Regret
Clarke runs into the bathroom and starts crying hysterically. She can’t keep it in. She hates her emotions. Why do you think she drowns her sorrow in alcohol? Clarke can’t believe she just saw Lexa. Why is she here? All these feelings are flooding back. But the love she may still feel is tainted by fury and bitterness.
Clarke picks herself up off the dirty floor and pushes past the crowd straight to the bar.
“Give me the strongest thing you got. Don’t be afraid to have a heavy hand. And make it a double.” Clarke calls out to the bartender and he nods. She grabs the tall drink and chugs it. She’s going to need more but she’ll wait until this hits her first.
Clarke stumbles over to the table and Nate looks at her worriedly. Lexa texted him a minute ago that she ran into Clarke and she was going home. Nate knows Clarke. They used to spend a lot of time together. But Nate was Lexa’s close friend so when Lexa and Clarke broke up, he didn’t see much of Clarke anymore. It’s not like anyone told him to choose a side, it’s just what happened. Looking at Clarke now though, he regrets not reaching out.
“Hey Clarke. How have you been?” Nate asks with a worried smile on his face.
“Just great.” She slurs out sarcastically. Clarke directs her attention to Bellamy and smiles at him. “Bell, where issss Tavi?” Her eyes are lidded and she’s definitely drunk. She was drunk at the other club so just imagine how intoxicated she is now.
“She went out for a smoke.” Bell said and Clarke fake pouted.
“Can I bum a cig?” She asks Bell and he chuckles.
“Of course princess. I’ll come out with you.” Bell wraps his arms around Clarke to steady her and they make their way outside. Nate shakes his head. Clarke didn’t smoke cigarettes when she was with Lexa. He knows Clarke has problems with alcohol and drugs. He just hopes she isn’t relapsing with drugs.
///
“Hey if it isn’t fucking Lexa Woods! Running away like a little bitch so soon?” Octavia slurs and she lights her cigarette. Lexa has tears streaming down her face and she’s trying to get out of there as quick as possible. Of course she has to run into her ex’s new girlfriend.
“Excuse me?” Lexa wipes away her tears and her face turns stoic. She’s dealt with bullies all her life and Octavia Blake is definitely one.
“You know you let the best thing of your life slip through your grubby little fingersss. And now s-she isssss mine. And I treat her better than you ever...you ever did.” Octavia is drunk, Lexa can deduce that much. She knows fighting with a drunk woman isn’t going to help anyone, but she just can’t help it. How is she helping Clarke?
“You’re treating her better.” Lexa sarcastically says and bitterly chuckles. “I made a horrible fucking mistake. I broke Clarke’s trust and our love. I will never stop paying for it. But you Mrs. Blake,” Lexa steps closer and Octavia steps away, showing that she is really just all talk. “You are aiding her alcohol and drug problems. Clarke is an addict. Don’t you know that? You’re going to get her killed with your bullshit.” Lexa harshly spats. “And I’m not going to let that happen.”
Octavia chuckles. “Give me a break with that shit. Clarke is a grown ass woman. Nobody is shoving drinks in her mouth. But let me tell you, what a great mouth she has.” Octavia laughs and Lexa is this close to smacking her straight across the face when Clarke and Bellamy Blake walk outside. Clarke’s smile immediately falls when she sees Lexa.
“What the fuck..” Clarke mumbles under her breath. She tries to run back inside but Bellamy keeps his hold on her.
“Don’t worry princess. I got you.” He says with a smug grin on his face.
“Clarke, baby, are you okay?” Octavia’s tone automatically changes and Lexa gets whiplash from the difference. Octavia goes up to Clarke and takes her from Bellamy’s arms. “Thanks Bell. I got her.” Clarke holds onto Octavia but her eyes don’t leave Lexa’s.
“Clarke..” Lexa quietly says. “Please just let me take you home or to Raven’s.” Lexa pleads and Clarke’s eyes look away from her.
“Lex, I think it’s best if you leave.” Clarke says shakily.
“Clarke, I’m worried.” Lexa looks between Octavia and Bellamy. Clarke doesn’t even realize how deep she is barrelling into her addiction. “Please..I am begging you to talk to me. Just for one minute, me and you. I’ll leave after I promise.”
Clarke looks hesitant. Octavia cuts in for her though. “Absolutely not. You broke her heart. You’ve got some nerve showing up here.”
“Please.” Lexa ignores her and looks at Clarke. Clarke bites her lip and frowns.
“One minute.” Clarke shakily says. Octavia and Bellamy look like they are going to protest but Clarke starts talking before they can get a word in. “Guys, I got this. Please go inside. I’ll be there in a minute. Please just go in. I promise I’m not leaving with her.” Octavia scowls and Bellamy shakes his head but they both reluctantly go inside.
Clarke stumbles over to where Lexa is and Lexa catches her before she falls. Clarke quickly moves out of her embrace and leans against the wall. Everything is spinning and she’s been trying really hard to act sober since coming outside and seeing Lexa. She doesn’t want her to see her drunk like this. It just brings up bad memories.
4.5 Years Ago
Lexa is at home asleep when she hears the phone ring. She looks at Clarke’s side of the bed and realizes it’s empty. Lexa feels her body overcome with worry. This is the third night Clarke hasn’t come home before 4am. Lexa grabs her phone and answers it.
“Hello? Clarke?” Lexa worriedly says.
“H-hi baby.” Clarke hiccups and slurs. She doesn’t even know how she got to this last bar. She was with some singers from her record label. But now she’s so drunk and she’s with a group of girls she met when her friends left to go home. She just wants her Lexa. “I misssss you.” Lexa can hear the pout in Clarke’s voice over the loud thumping of the music in whatever bar she’s at. “I don’t feel good baby.”
“Where are you? I’ll come get you.” Lexa anxiously says. Clarke sounds worse off than she has been lately.
“A-azgeda. Dinah, stop.” Clarke chuckles and Lexa raises her eyebrows.
“Baby, who’s Dinah?” Lexa asks cautiously.
“‘inahs my friend.” Clarke slurs and Lexa is starting to get really nervous.
“Okay honey, I’m on my way. Please don’t drink anymore. Get some water. I’ll be there soon.” Lexa hurriedly says as she throws on jeans and a sweatshirt and searches for her keys.
“Love you.” Clarke mumbles.
“I love you too.” Lexa says before hanging up the phone and speeding to the club.
Lexa gets to the club at 3am and it's still so crowded. How are these people out so late? Lexa swears she sounds so old. She searches through the crowd and asks the bartender if he saw the girl in her phone wallpaper. The guy nods and says remembers cause she has a nice rack. Lexa bites her lip to the point where she’s almost drawing blood. The bartender points her to a VIP table and Lexa hurries off without saying thank you to the rude man.
Clarke is hanging like a monkey on this Dinah person. She looks pale and Lexa wants to punch whoever kept serving her when she was obviously way too intoxicated.
“Clarke.” Lexa says and Clarke barely moves. Lexa starts to get really nervous. This isn’t like usual nights when Clarke walks in plastered. Clarke is in and out of consciousness now.
“Hey, it’s hot shot actress Lexa Woods! Why don’t you go find your own girl for the night? Clarke won’t mind if you do. She’s happy just where she is.” Dinah snaps and Lexa clenches her jaw.
“Get your fucking hands off my girlfriend.” Lexa growls and Dinah’s eyes widen. Clarke mumbles Lexa’s name and the brunette immediately goes to gently pick her up. Clarke sighs and nuzzles into her neck. “Don’t ever contact her, do you hear me?!” Lexa storms off through the back door to her car. She puts Clarke down in the front passenger seat and buckles her in. She tenderly pushes her hair behind her ears and drives home as quickly and safely as she can. Lexa carries her up the stairs and puts her on the couch.
“Clarke, can you hear me?” Lexa softly says. “Klark.” Lexa shakes her slightly. Clarke’s eyes flutter open but they’re unfocused.
“Mm Lex. I’m gonna throw up.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa runs to get a bucket. She pulls back Clarke’s hair as the girl vomits up all the vodka and gin in her system.
“I’m sorry.” Clarke mumbles in between throwing up.
“Shh. Baby, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Lexa holds her close once she’s all finished, not caring if the throw up on Clarke’s clothes gets on her own.
“I’m sorry.” Clarke slurs again, retreating into Lexa’s warm loving embrace.
“Let’s clean you up okay? Then you can sleep.” Lexa gently says. “Can you walk?”
Clarke nods and Lexa wraps her arms around her waist. They get to the bathroom and Lexa peels off Clarke’s clothes. She leaves on her own sports bra and boxers on but takes off her sweatshirt and pants. Clarke heavily leans on her as Lexa’s gently washes Clarke’s body with soap. Once Clarke has the stench of alcohol and vomit off of her, Lexa grabs a towel and dries Clarke’s body. She gives Clarke a glass of water to drink. Then she helps her girlfriend into some underwear and a baggy shirt and rolls Clarke onto her side. Lexa stays up the rest of the night watching Clarke, worried and desperately thinking of ways to help her girlfriend battle her addiction.
What Lexa didn’t know was that this was the first night Clarke tried drugs too. She snorted two lines of coke in the club bathroom. It was the start of a very slippery slope for Clarke and it wouldn’t be the first or last time that Lexa stayed up all night worried sick about her girlfriend.
///
“Clarke, listen to me. Alcohol and drugs are only a temporary fix. I know you’re trying to drown your pain and I know I’m mostly to blame for this relapse but please please I beg you not to do this to yourself. Clarke, these people you’re with are addicts too. They don’t know what’s good for themselves and they certainly don’t know what’s good for you. Please, let me take you home. I can call Dr. Kane and Dr. Indra at the rehab center you liked. They took good care of you remember? Clarke, you’re life is so much more than this.” Lexa shakily says. It’s hurting her heart to see Clarke like this yet again.
“It’s not your problem anymore Lex.” Clarke mumbles with her eyes closed, trying to keep it together. Luckily, there are no reporters out here because this would be a huge story. Clarke Griffin back to her partying ways having a heated conversation with her oh so famous ex Lexa Woods.
“I will always be here for you. I never stopped caring Clarke.” Lexa says softly.
“Could have fooled me when you slept with your costar for that shitty movie.” Clarke slurs and Lexa gets ready to catch her if she falls again. The words that leave Clarke’s mouth sting both of them.
“As much as I pray for it everyday, I can never undo that night. I know you’re tired of hearing my apologies, but I am so sorry. I broke your trust and your heart. But I’m not here to win you back.” Lexa says truthfully and Clarke’s eyes open. She was expecting Lexa to say she still wants her but to hear that she doesn’t breaks her even more.
“I know that’s not possible..at least not now. I don’t deserve you. I’m here right now because I refuse to let you self destruct like this. I need you to fight for yourself. I can’t do it alone. I need you to want this too.” Lexa says and Clarke’s bottom lip trembles. She’s scared of the person she’s turning into. But she doesn’t know how to stop. She doesn’t even know if she wants to.
“It’s not that easy Lex. You don’t understand.” Clarke sucks in a shaky breath. In the morning, she’ll hate herself for telling Lexa all these things. But right now she’s vulnerable and sad. She wants her old life back but it doesn’t exist anymore.
“Tell me. Tell me what you’re feeling and I’ll listen.” Lexa gently says, fighting the urge to cup Clarke’s cheeks.
“I miss you.” Clarke says it and a hundred pound weight is lifted off her shoulders. “I miss you but I fucking hate you.” Clarke shoves at Lexa’s shoulders and Lexa lets her. “You cheated on me. I know I did some fucked up shit when I was using but I never did that. You cheated. And I still don’t know why. I still don’t know what I did to make you believe I would ever cheat with Luna. I don’t know why I ever met you. I regret kissing you for the first time under the bleachers. I regret loving you.”
Lexa sucks in a shaky breath and releases a choked sob. Her hand flies to her mouth in an effort to stop her from hyperventilating. She can’t stop the tears. Clarke is drunk and she doesn’t know what she’s saying. But she just said she regrets loving her. Lexa can’t feel anything right now but searing pain.
“Clarke, you don’t mean that.” Lexa shakily says, her heart breaking. Clarke bites her lip and she deflates.
“I know.” Clarke defeatedly says. “I could never regret you, but I wish I could. It’d make this pain constantly in my chest easier if I didn’t love you.”
Lexa notices that Clarke says ‘love’ and not ‘loved.’ But she also knows that love isn’t enough sometimes. Clarke stumbles and Lexa catches her again, only this time Clarke’s sleeve pushes up a little and Lexa sees the fresh track marks.
“Clarke, no.” Lexa gasps out. Clarke looks down guiltily. Lexa couldn’t believe her eyes. Clarke didn’t shoot up. She’s just didn’t. Lexa can feel her heartbeat in her eyes and her palms are all sweaty. She might pass out just from learning this. She didn’t realize it had gotten this bad.
“When did this start?” Lexa quietly said, afraid that if she made her voice any louder Clarke would run away or yell at her.
“About two months ago.” Clarke mumbles and rolls her sleeve back down. “Look I appreciate the concern, I really do. But it’s none of your business what I do with my life. You made sure of that.” Clarke bites out. She hates that Lexa just saw that. It makes her feel ashamed for some reason. She just wants to scream on the top of her lungs right now but she’ll settle for a shot instead. She needs to get out of here. The emotions are too much. She can’t cope with them.
“Clarke..please. If you don’t want my help, that’s fine. But you do need help.” Lexa braces herself for the slap. She knows what she’s about to say will hurt Clarke but she’s hoping it will also give her a reality check. “Your father wouldn’t want to see you like this.” And instead a slap, Clarke shoves Lexa hard. If Lexa wasn’t so strong, she would have fallen on the floor from the sheer anger in it.
“How could you even say that..” Clarke shakes her head and starts to walk off.
“You know it’s true. He wanted so much more for you.”
“DON’T ACT LIKE YOU KNEW HIM!” Clarke screams in Lexa’s face. “You just knew the broken girl he left behind! Newsflash, I never got fixed. I’m still that broken girl. Only know I’ve learned that love is weakness.” Clarke spats out. She’s getting angrier by the second. She’s angry that Lexa saw those marks and she’s angry that Lexa mentioned her Dad. She knows her father must be so disappointed in her. She knows but she can’t stop. She stumbles off into the bar.
And Lexa doesn’t follow her. She’s stunned and physically shaking from the whole experience. Lexa knows that she can’t leave Clarke alone with those people. But she also knows that Clarke isn’t going to come with her. So she gets out her phone and dials.
“Lexa? It’s really late.”
“I know and I - I’m so sorry but I need your help. It’s Clarke. She won’t come with me and it’s..it’s not good Raven.” Lexa’s voice is broken and shaky and near tears. It’s so frantic that Raven instantly jumps out of her bed.
“Give me the address. I’m on my way.”