Her Warm Eyes
Lexa goes home and throws all her clothes off and hops into the shower. The steam and hot water soothes the aches and kinks of her body after a long day at work. All those stunts are really kicking her ass (especially since she’s too stubborn to have a stunt double).
Lexa gets out of the shower and looks at the time. Shit. She’s going to be late to meet Miller and his new boyfriend. She throws on a pair of black slacks and her favorite classic black blouse. She applies some makeup in the back of her bumpy uber ride, some eyeliner and a smokey eye. Lexa has never been one for makeup and fancy clothes. She’s very simple in her tastes. Clarke was always the showy one in their relationship. Thoughts of blue eyes and blonde hair invade her mind and she tries desperately ignore the pull of them.
She enters the bar that Miller sent her the address to. It’s one of those speakeasy bars where you need a password to get in. Apparently the password is based on celebrity gossip and changes everyday. Miller texts her and says the password for tonight is “clexa.” He apologizes and offers for them to move to a different bar but she says it’s okay.
“Of fucking course.” She mumbles under her breath and says her and her ex’s ship name before entering into the bar. The mistakes of her past will never leave her heart but it seems to never leave the public eye either. She supposes this will be her punishment. She will always be stared in the face with the one precious thing in her life and how she lost her the second she lost herself.
For a place that’s supposed to be a secret, the bar is pretty big and packed. Lexa walks into the bar to see a Miller with a large group laughing and drinking. She tries to shake Clarke from her mind despite the fact that no matter where she goes she’s haunted by the biggest mistake of her life.
“Hey Lexa! Over here.” Miller screams out and she approaches with a timid smile on her face.
"Hey Lex. This is Bryan.” Lexa smiles at the dark haired man with a boyish smile. He seems sweet and maybe a little shy, a stark contrast from the type of guys Miller usually dates.
“It’s nice to meet to you.” He politely says, obviously nervous to meet one of Nate's close friends.
“You too. Miller won’t shut up about how amazing you are.” Lexa shakes his hand and he smiles wide. Lexa smiles and looks around the table at the faces. One in particular looks awfully familiar.
“Oh I’m sorry, how rude of me. Lexa these are my friends Kyle Farber, Jasper Jordan, Trevor Stewarts, And Bellamy Blake.”
Fuck. Of course. Bellamy Blake as in Octavia Blake’s older brother. As in the brother of her ex girlfriend’s new girlfriend. I guess it’s true when they say everyone in Hollywood is connected. Rumour has it the Blake siblings are wild. She hopes Clarke is ok being around them and maintaining her sobriety. She heard rumors Clarke has fallen off the wagon but she just doesn't want to believe them. She shudders when she thinks of that horrible night where Clarke was sprawled on their old apartment's bathroom floor, barely breathing. She needs Clarke to be safe or else she won't survive. She needs her to be okay.
“Yeah I know you. You’re Lexa Woods. My little sister has mentioned you before.” Lexa is broken out of her worrisome thoughts when she hears the ever so cocky older Blake speak. Bellamy sneers and shoots her a knowing smirk. So he really is an asshole.
Lexa politely smiles and goes to the bar for a drink. This is going to be a long night.
///
Octavia and Clarke make their way to the club and meet up with the rest of their bandmates Ontari Snow, John Murphy, and Roan Winters minus Octavia’s brother Bellamy.
“Where’s Bell?” Clarke asks as they make way to the VIP section.
“We are going to meet up with him later. He’s at some speakeasy bar with some people he knows from college. I figure we will stay here until we get bored and go there.” Octavia says casually. The conversation is long forgotten as they get to their reserved table and start downing alcohol like nobody’s business.
A few hours later, Clarke and Octavia are on the dance floor grinding and swaying their hips. Ontari and Roan are on the prowl for someone to bring home for the night and Murphy is in the corner making out with his on again off again girlfriend Emori. They were taking a break, but then she winded up also being at this club and one thing led to another.
“Let’s get another shot.” Octavia says and Clarke stumbles a bit but follows her lead. When they get to the bar, Octavia finally looks at her phone for the first time tonight.
“Holy shit.” Octavia mumbles low enough that Clarke can’t hear her over the loud music blasting in their ears. Bellamy texted his little sister that he’s out drinking with the one and only Lexa Woods. Octavia’s drunken mind thinks it’s a good idea to pay the girl who broke her girlfriend’s heart a visit. She texts Bellamy to stay put and that The Arkers are coming to them.
“Baby, I’m bored of this club. Let’s go to that other bar.” Octavia presses up close to Clarke and the blonde’s brain turns to much.
“Whatever you want.” Clarke mumbles before Octavia takes her bottom lip in between her own lips. They kiss heatedly for a few minutes before the bartender brings them their shots and they down them like pros.
It’s a bit of a struggle, but Octavia is able to get all the people of her band together so they can go to the other bar. They go outside and of course, there is paparrazi. Clarke looks drunk and so does the rest of them. It wouldn't be the first time The Arkers are front cover news because of their drunken escapades. But it would be a first time for Clarke. Lexa always used to protect her whenever she got out of hand. The cameras flash in their face as they hop into a limo and make their way to the bar.
///
Lexa is not having a fun night. Nate’s new boyfriend is lovely and so are his friends, except Bellamy Blake. Bellamy just keeps smirking at her like he knows something she doesn’t know. She wants to punch that smug look right off his pretty boy face.
“Blake, how’s your sister? She was always so hot.” Jasper asks and it’s the first mention of Octavia all night. She’s sure by the way Bryan and Miller’s eyes widen then meet hers in sheer panic that they didn’t realize the connection either until this very moment. Bellamy just smirks and looks at Lexa.
“She’s great. She’s dating this sweet girl. I actually think Lexa knows her.” Bellamy says and Bryan shoots him a death glare.
“Really? How do you know her Lexa?” Jasper asks goofily and unknowingly.
“Octavia is dating my ex girlfriend. She’s dating Clarke.” Lexa calmly supplies. She hates to reducing Clarke to her 'ex girlfriend' when she's still so much more to her even to this day. She's not going to reveal that to a table of strangers though. The whole table goes silent. Nate looks over to her worriedly.
“Lexa, I had no idea.” Nate starts apologizing but Lexa smiles lightly at him and waves him off.
“It’s okay. Clarke is allowed to do as she pleases.” Lexa looks back at the smirking douche that is Bellamy Blake. It’s an intense staredown until his phone rings a second later.
“Hey. Oh yeah the password is ‘clexa.’ Ha, I know right. Old news.” Bellamy laughs into the phone and suddenly Lexa is worried. Who is coming into the bar right now?
“Bell, come on man. Give it a rest.” Bryan says and Bellamy just scoffs.
“I’m not doing anything. Oh but by the way, I invited some friends. They should be here in any second.”
Lexa’s calm exterior falters and her heart stops for a second. Is...is Clarke coming? Does Clarke know she’s here? Of course not, Clarke would never come if she knew. They must not have told her. What manipulating assholes.
“I..e-excuse me for a minute.” Lexa stutters out, grabbing her purse and attempting to flee to cry in the shitty small bar bathroom.
She’s almost at the bathroom when someone stumbles into her and pours their drink all over her white shirt. She looks up annoyingly and that’s when she makes eye contact with the love of her life once more. That’s when she makes eye contact with Clarke Griffin.
“Lexa?” Clarke’s eyes widen like saucers. Lexa takes in her appearance. She’s in a tight dress, ample cleavage showing. Her makeup is done nicely, if anything it’s darker than Lexa’s used to, and it’s a little smudged from a night of partying. Clarke goes from surprise to angry to emotionally drained in thirty seconds flat.
“Clarke.” Lexa breathes out. She has to restrain herself from hugging the girl she loves so much. The Clarke in front of her looks so different than the Clarke she knew. Her hair is shorter and the edges are pink. She has a few more cartilage piercings now too. Clarke’s eyes look so cold. They’re so icy, it makes Lexa shiver. Lexa thinks about how warm Clarke’s eyes used to be, so full of love. She can’t help but wish for those times back.
///
About 6 Years Ago
“Lex, stop! Lex, you’re tickling me. I’m gonna pee if you d-don’t stop.” Clarke giggles hard as Lexa tackles on the small bed of her dingy apartment. They’ve been dating for four months now and Lexa couldn’t be happier. A few minutes ago, Clarke started arguing that pancakes are better than waffles. Lexa was baffled and playfully outraged, so outraged she just had to lesson excessively tickle the giggling blonde.
Lexa eventually stops tickling Clarke. The blonde girl underneath her is smiling, her cheeks flush red while she tries to catch her breath. She looks ethereal, like a goddess. Clarke is her goddess. Lexa just wants to worship her. It’s in this moment that Lexa finally has the courage to say the three words that have been on her mind since the first moment she saw the blonde singing in that choir room.
“I love you.” Lexa says brightly. Clarke stops laughing at looks at her with such awe in her eyes. Clarke and Lexa have hard lives. And in difficult lives, you live your life with everything heightened. Your pain is heightened. Your walls around your heart are heightened. And it anyone is to break down those walls, your love is heightened. Lexa and Clarke love each other like they are one another’s life rafts in a storm. And that’s exactly what they are. They need each other. They survive off the other’s love. They don’t know how they lived a day without.
“I love you too.” Clarke’s voice is soft and it makes Lexa melt. Lexa cradles Clarke’s face in her hands and tenderly kisses her. Clarke’s kisses always fill Lexa up with love. Lexa just can’t get enough of Clarke’s lips. They taste like the blonde’s cotton candy chapstick. Lexa gently probes her tongue in Clarke’s mouth and Clarke reciprocates the motion. Clarke sighs in pleasure and runs her hands through Lexa’s curly tresses.
The lovers kiss like that for a while, delicate and vulnerable. They hold one another's hearts in their hands. They are baring their souls. Clarke breaks the kiss when the need for oxygen finally wins out. While they are catching their breath, Clarke sweetly removes Lexa’s large dorky glasses from her face and leans over to put them on the nightstand. Lexa bites her lip and smiles, happy to know that they will still be kissing for quite some time. Kissing Clarke is like an addiction for Lexa. Lexa loves spending time with Clarke but kissing her has to be one of her favorite pastimes. She can’t help but try to elicit sinful sounds from Clarke. Like when she kisses Clarke on the collarbone, the blonde shivers. And when she sucks on just that right spot on her neck, Clarke moans out in surprise. Lexa loves kissing Clarke.
Clarke’s hands roam Lexa’s backside, settling on her butt. Lexa smiles into the kiss and pushes her body closer to Clarke’s. Lexa presses into Clarke and the blonde massages her ass. Lexa sighs into the kiss and starting moving on top of the singer. The makeout session becomes heated quickly after that. Lexa’s bulge grows with her grinding movements and Clarke loves it. They haven’t fully seen each other naked yet. They have only gotten down to Lexa in her bra and jeans and Clarke in her bra and panties. Lexa wanted to wait and Clarke wholeheartedly respected her choice.
They’re both virgins. Lexa was Clarke's first kiss. Lexa has kissed girls in the past, but not makeout sessions like she has with Clarke. They are both inexperienced and young and in the passionate throes of their first love. Lexa feels self conscious about her body after all the years all bullying she endured in the foster system. Lexa’s heart was too kind for such a harsh world. Clarke has been helping Lexa gain confidence in herself again, emotionally and physically. Lexa finally feels ready to take the next step with Clarke.
Slowly and nervously, Lexa peels off her cardigan. She’s in just her tank top and Clarke smiles up at her. Clarke lifts off Lexa’s tank top before taking off her own sweater. This is usual for them. Lexa’s hands are brave and they twitch to undo Clarke’s bra. Lexa has a lustful yet loving gaze directed at Clarke. The blonde blushes and Lexa kisses her newly reddening cheeks.
“Can I see more of you? Lexa whispers, looking down at Clarke nervously. Clarke chews on her lip for a second before nodding. She wants to be close to Lexa but it’s also very scary being exposed fully for the first time. It’s nerve wracking even if you do want to have sex...and believe me, Clarke really wants to have sex. She really wants her first time to be with Lexa. She wants Lexa to be her one and only and vice versa.
Lexa’s eyes widen at the sight of Clarke’s breasts. Clarke takes a deep breath as she watches Lexa admire her figure. Lexa can tell Clarke is nervous. She smiles at her and brings her lips to the singer’s palm.
“You’re beautiful.” Lexa murmurs onto the skin of Clarke’s palm. Clarke blushes and Lexa pushes the blonde’s messy hair out of her face. She kisses Clarke’s forehead, then her cheeks, then the corner of her mouth, then her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, the top of her breasts, her nipples. Clarke shudders as soon as Lexa’s tongue makes gentle exploratory strides against one of her hardening nipples. Lexa’s other hand massages her other breast and Clarke feels an ache in her lower core that she never has experienced before.
Clarke gasps and Lexa releases her breast and looks at her with a curious smile. “I never thought it would feel that good.” Lexa blushes and lightly laughs. She looks into Clarke’s eyes and they convey so much love, so much hope. All Lexa could ask for in this lifetime is to drown in those big beautiful eyes for the rest of her life.
“I want to make love to you.” Lexa hoarsely yet oh so tenderly says, her voice so thick with want and need. Clarke looks shocked and first but soon enough her expression shows only love and affection.
“You’re sure you’re ready love?” Clarke says just above a whisper. She knows how self conscious Lexa is. She knows how unfair her life has been. And she knows how many ignorant assholes she has had to deal with in her life. Clarke would never rush her. She wants to nurture their love and let it soar to infinite heights. Clarke wants to take this insanely intimate step with Lexa but only when Lexa is fully ready.
“You make me feel so loved.” Lexa gently says as she traces Clarke’s jaw. “I never thought I’d get that. You’ve changed my life, Clarke Eliza Griffin. You’ve given me hope. You’ve given me comfort. You’ve given me a home.” A few tears falls from Lexa’s eyes but she shakes them away. “These are happy tears I swear.” Lexa laughs a little and Clarke feels her eyes watering as well. “You’re crying.” Lexa states the obvious before leaning down to kiss Clarke’s few stray tears away.
“Well shit, I guess mine are happy tears too.” Clarke releases a watery chuckle and Lexa smiles. It’s in this moment that Clarke realizes Lexa is ready for this next step too.
“You are my heart, Lexa Woods. You make me feel safe in a world that has never speared me any kindness. I see you’ve been through similar struggles. I saw that pain in your eyes the first second I met you. I’ve been trying to rid your eyes of that pain since then and I will continue to do so as long as you’ll have me.” Clarke’s voice is velvety smooth and Lexa feels the walls around her heart softening more and more.
“I love you.” Lexa says with such conviction behind it. She takes off her own bra. “I love you.” Clarke kisses down her chest and Lexa whimpers at the sensation. “I love you.” Both of their jeans and underwear are shed. “I love you.” After more kisses and intimate touches, Lexa pushes her length into Clarke. Both of their virginities are taken in that moment, but not their innocence.
No, their innocence was taken away when Clarke’s walked into her house to find her father stone cold on the floor and her mother shooting up on the couch, when her foster brothers would slap her because she didn’t want to touch them. Their innocence was taken away when Lexa was five and her mother beat her until she could barely cry out for the neighbor in the apartment next door, when Lexa was put into a foster care home where nobody said any kind words to her. Their innocence may be gone, but their love for each other pushes them forward. And that’s why Clarke’s eyes are still so bright and full of love and life. That’s why Lexa still smiles. Because despite all the shit they have been through, the shit that nobody should have to go through, they have each other. They are one another’s anchors. They have shown each other the beauty in humanity, the beauty in loving someone, the beauty in giving yourself over to another. Faith in the little joys of life have been restored.
Lexa stares into Clarke’s big blue eyes for as long as she can. She absorbs her love through them. Lexa goes slow. Her member pushes in and out of Clarke. The blonde has never felt so full and the brunette has never felt something so tight. The emotions of this moment are almost too much. Lexa looks at Clarke’s warm eyes and knows she’s home.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
///
But Clarke’s eyes are no longer warm. They no longer look at Lexa like she’s the world. Clarke looks tired and broken. Because she had that all consuming love that authors itch to transcribe stories about on paper. The love that filmmakers crave to capture to prove to the world that it does in fact exist. It’s a unicorn. To many, it’s a myth, a fantasy even. It’s as elusive as leprechauns or the monsters under a child’s bed. To the cynics, it doesn’t exist. To the hopeless romantics, it’s a lifelong goal.
But to Clarke, that kind of love is a stinging reminder of what she once possessed. Love has burned her. She saw how a wife’s love can be tainted by the dirty syringes of her dark addictions. She saw her mother choose drugs over her father time and time again. She saw her mother drag her Dad down with her. Clarke swore to never love after that. But on a warm fall day, her eyes fell on a girl who also roamed the streets lost. She fell for the soft hearted girl with a bleeding heart. She thought that she could give her heart over to her. Her heart ended up crushed, broken and bleeding too.
So her eyes are empty. Her eyes are ghosts, hollow and aching for a past that only hurts her more to think about. And now her eyes are fixed on the same girl. Clarke wants to fall into Lexa’s embrace. Her life has been so cold without her. Lexa was her only light and she was Lexa’s. She knows that times were hard but she still doesn’t understand how Lexa could cheat. Whenever she thinks about it, it makes her want to scream. Her Lexa. Her beautiful gorgeous Lexa.
Lexa was always the kind one. Lexa wanted to start fostering kids in a few years. She wanted to adopt. She wanted to take off once they got married and spend a year volunteering across the globe with Clarke by her side. Lexa made her want to be better. Without her, she no longer knows who she is. They had so many plans and now it's all gone. It hurts too much to see her. Because all she wants to do is drown in her love for her. She doesn’t know how to move past the betrayal. She doesn’t know how to look Lexa in the eyes anymore. It used to be their favorite thing to do too. They adored looking into one another’s eyes. Their love was so clear in the swirls of sapphire and emerald.
What Clarke has yet to realize though, is that that same love is still there. Only now, it is hidden under pain and regret. Maybe one day they can sift through the past and find footing for a future. But for right now, Clarke is still so angry. And she’s tired of being so angry. She wants to escape into a void and she can’t do so when Lexa is looking at her with those eyes. Clarke throws her drink in Lexa’s face and hurries off to the bathroom where nobody can see her tears. She doesn’t cry in front of anyone anymore. And her tears are no longer happy like they once were when Lexa and her made love for the first time.
Lexa splutters the drink out as most of it landed on her face and in her mouth. She can taste the strong presence of liquor and her stomach clenches. It’s one thing to know Clarke is drinking again, it’s another to taste it on your own lips. Lexa feels her heart shatter. She feels as if she drove Clarke here. She broke her. Clarke gave Lexa her mind, body, and soul. Lexa crushed her. There is no excuse. There is no going back. There is only time. There is only action. All there is left now are the shadows of her past mistakes and her never failing unconditional love for the blonde.
Clarke may never forgive her. She knows that. But she refuses to let Clarke forget the beauty in love. She refuses to let Clarke suffocate in a world of drugs and alcohol. She refuses to see the light in Clarke’s eyes snuffed out forever. Lexa will always be in Clarke's corner. She will always root for her. She won't let her down ever again.
And it may seem impossible now, but both of their eyes will one day have light again.