Alien Endeavours
Your name is Johnen Egbert and you and your moirail, Karkat Vantas, are on the adventure of a lifetime.
Well, Karkat says it’s not an adventure, but you say he’s a stupid buttface. He complained about how immature you are being for one of your blood for ages, until you shut him up with a shoosh-pap.
The two of you are going to investigate Earth, a planet your Empress is planning to form an alliance with. You don’t know much about the dominant species on this planet—except they’re covered in soft flesh.
…You do not know much about these humans.
But, in case there are any cultural misunderstandings, she has sent her most trusted scientist (and his moirail) off to investigate and learn about this planet.
That’s you by the way.
You’re to disguise yourself as a human and live amongst them for a few sweeps. It’s going to be long, and hard. Luckily, Great Empress Feferi insisted that your moirail go along for the ride. (Not that she, her highblood court and all her drones could stop him going with you).
“Ugh, listen to me you intolerable piece of shit.” Karkat grumbles at you, annoyance shining in his yellow eyes.
“Sorry Karkat! I’m just so excited.”
“Of course you are you over-excitable fuck.”
“Hee hee you’re so pale for me.”
“I am and I hate it.” He glares at you, red-rimmed pupils blazing with the fiery fury of a thousand suns.
“I like you too bro.”
He groans loudly, but the small smile he gives betrays his happiness. “You know what to do right? This thing-“ He holds up the small amulet you’re supposed to wear. “-goes around your neck, so you look like a fleshy asshole. Then, you go and stick your nose into other people’s business and tell our Great Empress their private business.”
“I’m not doing that! I’m learning more about their culture so that our Empress can establish trade routes and form an alliance without any cultural misunderstandings! I guess it’s kind of dumb seeing as they don’t actually learn about troll culture…but interplanetary negotiations are hard.”
“How would you know?”
“I am going on an interplanetary scientific journey of discovery.”
“Your first one. And Feferi only sent you because you’re the only scientist in her court. And she only sent me because I’m your fucking moirail and the only one who can calm you down when you get all high-blood ragey.”
“And because you’re her best threshecutioner.” You look down at the blue veins ghosting underneath your hard grey skin. You wonder what you’d look like as a human.
You don’t have to wonder for long, because Karkat is shoving the amulet in your hands.
“Remember that I’ll be watching over your sorry ass, so don’t be your dumb self and reveal that you’re really an alien.”
You chuckle and slip the amulet on. You only feel a slight tingle, but Karkat rears back from you, a look of disgust on his face.
“Ugh you look terrible.”
“Thanks Karkat.” You reply, taking the mirror he hands you.
The first thing you notice is your horns. Or…lack of horns. You reach up a trembling tanned hand to where to your curly, orange horns should be. But your hands brush against their rough texture and you sigh in relief. They’re there, but just invisible.
The next thing is your eyes—instead of being their familiar orange and grey, they’re a white and bright-blue, like the colour of your blood.
Your skin is a dark tan, and you are well muscled (as well as slightly pudgy. You are a highblood, and a well-fed one at that). A light scattering of freckles cover your cheeks and ears and nose—much like the blue ones that scatter your cheeks in your real form.
Instead of the wonky mess of fangs protruding from between dark lips, rather large front teeth shoot out from rather plump pink lips.
The most similar feature of both forms is your extremely messy, thick black hair, as well as the gathering of pudge around your stomach, arms and legs.
“Man. This is weird.” You say, staring down at your hand in awe.
“Yes. It is. And you’re going to be like this for several sweeps. God fucking damn it.”
“Well, at least you get to sleep in the spaceship some nights.” Karkat mutters, and you cast your gaze around the spaceship for what feels like the last time.
The spaceship is small and cramped, but in a homely and calming manner. Both you and Karkat have decorated it how you’ve seen fit—movie posters plastered on the walls, beginners coding gear haphazardly on the floor, miscellaneous pile of science stuff and various books of both the romantic and comedic kind.
It’s one of the new models that the new Empress put out—much better than the ‘Condesces’ old war fleet. This one is a small, peaceful science vessel, with no weapons. It is sleek and brand new, and all yours and Karkats.
“Well um…I’d better get going.” You mumble, not really wanting to leave your moirails side.
“Oh…yeah. I’ll ready the teleporter.” He mutters and turn to go, but you hold him back. He doesn’t protest as you pull him into a bone-crushing hug.
“I’ll miss you, for the brief time that you’re gone.” He grumbles back, clinging to you tightly.
You have to be beamed down to Earth, but neither of you want to break the hug you’re currently in.
Eventually however, you let go, kissing him on his forehead as you do.
He slinks off to the ships control panel, giving you nervous glances as you do. You give him one last smile before he pulls a lever, teleporting you away, off to earth.
* * *
The first thing you notice about earth is how damned bright everything is.
Trolls are nocturnal, but humans are not.
It must be something to do with how earth’s sun isn’t at the stage of the red giant yet, like the Alternian sun is.
How fascinating! You’re learning stuff about this planet already.
Once you get used to the blaring sun (which is actually somewhat tolerable compare to the Alternian sun), you decide to investigate closer. You make your way past the planets natives and strange wheeled metal contraptions.
You really should write about those, but the sun is so fascinating…
You don’t notice people staring at you, wide-eyed, screams on their lips. You don’t notice the strange wheeled metal contraption hurtling towards you. You don’t notice the blonde man jump towards you—until his body hits yours and the both of you go crashing into the tarmac.
“Get off the road you fucking maniac!” The wheeled metal box screams as it roars past.
“What the fuck were you thinking you fucking idiot? You could’ve been killed! Squashed like a bug under a fucking tyre. Dead. And that is not a good way to go. Trust me. Not that I’ve died or anything, but you know. You nearly died because you decided to stare up at the sun and stand in front of a fucking car! Nearly gave me a heart-attack, of course, nearly is the key word here. Striders don’t have heart-attacks.” The voice of the blonde man on top of you brings you back to the present.
“What? Why’d they try to kill me?” You ask looking around after the ‘car’.
“They didn’t try to kill you. You walked in front of them. What did you expect? Sunshine and rainbows?”
The man on top of you is rather handsome…for a human.
Floppy looking white-blonde hair, near white skin and dark, ovaloid shades over his eyes. Red-sleeved shirt and dark pants covered his body, the same material as the human clothes you’re wearing.
“Hey! Are you even listening to me? Wait a minute…are you high?” Hot-blonde guy is talking to you.
“No, I’m quite low down actually. You’re squashing me.”
“Oh…sorry.” Hot blonde guy gets off you, but crouches beside you. “Seriously though. Are you alright?” He asks you.
“Yeah! I was probably going to be flattened, but you saved my life! I owe you a debt.”
“Oh no…” The guy says, getting up. “No thanks.”
You spring up after him, following him as he backs away. “But that’s how things work here, right? You saved my life, now I have to save yours.”
“No. This isn’t happening. Please tell me you’re just fucking with me.” He groans in exasperation.
“Nope! This isn’t a joke! My names Johnen Egbert—what’s yours?” You trot beside his quickly retreating figure, barely keeping up.
“Dave Strider. And please stop following me.”
“Nope! Not until I’ve paid you back.”
“Oh great. Just what I need right now.”
“Hee hee yep!”
“Uggh, that was sarcasm.”
“What’s sarcasm?”
Dave sighs loudly in annoyance.
Today is going to be a great and educational day.
* * *
“Hey Dave, what have you got there?” You plonk next to Dave, staring excitedly at the various papers scattered around him.
Over the past week or so, you’ve been following Dave around. Joining him for his morning café breakfast is just the start of your daily routine. Of course you’ve learnt lots of stuff about human culture as well, just by following Dave around.
Even though Dave complains a lot, you can tell he’s starting to enjoy your company. And you’re starting to enjoy his company…a little too much for someone on scientific mission with no attachments.
You think…you’ve developed a flush-crush on him.
He’s all stoic and cold towards outsiders, but warm and loyal towards those he deems friends. It didn’t take long for you to break down the walls he surrounds himself with.
You’ve become part of his very small group of friends (none of whom you have met yet), much to Karkat’s angry jealousy.
Dave shoves the papers away, but not before you see large red letters saying ‘rent overdue’ and ‘eviction notice’.
“Nothing.” He says, a little too quickly.
“Really? Because that looks like a bad thing.”
“A bad thing! Of course it’s a bad thing!” He cries out, slamming his fists on the table, causing other café patrons to look up in alarm.
Your troll instincts take this as a sign of aggression, but you stuff them down. You don’t really want to judo flip Dave across the café.
“Is it like money troubles? Is it that bad thing?”
Dave just glares at you, sinking his head down into his arms. A waitress comes and takes your order, which you insist on paying for, as always.
“Dave, are you alright?”
“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not. I think there is water leaking from your eyes.”
He shoots up, scowling and wiping his eyes underneath his shades. “I’m not crying.”
“Is that what the water leakage is?”
“Heh…” He mutters, cracking a small smile. “Yeah. Not that I was crying.”
“Oh no! Of course not.” You smile back at him, happy to learn more about this strange planet and its inhabitants.
Dave broods about for a bit until the waitress arrives with your food and drink.
You don’t really like the sludge they serve you here, but it is human food, and you are being courteous and polite to their culture. You normally get a ‘black coffee’ with no sugar (after an outburst of ‘this is a stoner restaurant!?’ you realised that humans are not affected by sugary confections like trolls are). Dave normally gets the sweetest, milkiest thing they have on the menu alongside a thick wedge of chocolate cake. You always treat him—despite his insistence you shouldn’t.
You take a sip of the bitter liquid, eyes never leaving Dave’s slumped form.
“It’ll be alright Dave. I’m sure eviction isn’t that bad.” You nod to reassure yourself that it will be fine.
His head pops up, and you can feel his heated glare even through his shades.
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Ummm….yes? Although, eviction is not exactly a ‘thing’ where I come from.”
“Well you’re pretty damned lucky. Eviction is bullshit.”
“So it’s bullshit. Thanks for that helpful information.” You say, employing some of that human sarcasm.
“And it’s also nothing you need to worry about.” He mutters, taking a remorseful bite of the chocolate cake in front of him.
“But I will worry about it.”
“Don’t.”
“David, please.”
“Ok fine. I’m broke. I can’t pay my rent, or buy any food. If I’m honest, this is the only food I’m eating all day. I’m unemployed, and I can’t afford to live in my shitty ass flat and they’ll kick me out if I can’t pay up. All my shit will go out on the street and I’ll be homeless.”
“What...? But that’s not right.” You feel your eyes scrunch up in pity.
“Tell me about it.”
“Where I come from, neighbours help each other out all the time. Food, money, pailing, disposing of bodies—you name it.”
“Must be nice.” Dave chuckles, smiling a bit at your last comment—about the disposing of bodies.
Actually, in the Alternian Empire, unemployed people are seen as lazy slobs and are put to death in a public execution. The idea of ‘help thy neighbour’ is a purely human thing—trolls are generally hate-filled and violent creature. But Dave doesn’t need to know that.
Dave doesn’t exactly know you’re what he would call an ‘illegal ass hoe alien with fucking horns and shit. Invading our country. Stealing our jobs. Taking our women.’ Dave doesn’t know you’re not a human, and if you have it your way, he never will.
He thinks you’re foreign, even demonising your name to ‘John’ instead of ‘Johnen’. Something Middle Eastern you think? You’ve gone along with it.
Whatever makes him happy.
“Anyway, I should go.” Dave gets up, pushing the wooden chair back with a loud protesting shriek.
“What? But you’ve hardly touched your drink or cake! If they’re the only thing you’re going to eat today, you’d better eat it.”
With a big sigh and show, he flops back down on his seat and begins to pick at his cake and coffee. He smears the chocolate icing on the plate with his fork before licking it off with his pink, fleshy tongue.
(That’s another thing you’ve learnt about humans, they’ve all got impossibly mutant red blood, which covers their insides with in a strange pinkish colour. It is much different from the pitch black insides of trolls.
You’ve also found out that while you look human, your blood is still troll. The dark blue hue that runs through your veins has not changed to red. You’ll have to be very careful.)
“Hee hee you’re so childish.” You giggle, taking another sip of your coffee.
He responds by shoving the entire cake wedge in his mouth.
“Real mature.”
“Nuuu ‘m nmut! I haffffe coffffeemph.”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
He finishes chewing and swallows it all in one gulp. “No I’m not! I have coffee.”
“Does coffee make one intelligent? I had no idea!” You take a sip to emphasize this point.
“Ha ha, very funny John.” Dave says, taking a gulp of his coffee.
“I am very funny, just a regular old human comedian telling funny jokes. Yep, totally joking.” You stuttered, shooting glances around the café.
He shakes his head, coffee cup and cake plate empty in front of him. “You’re weird.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He smirks, getting up from the table. As if trying to be cool or aloof, he smacks a napkin down on the table. “It’s what makes you so interesting.” With that, he walks off, strutting away.
You blush blue, struggling to hide the tint in your hands. Picking up the napkin, you realise it has several crude drawings on it. Little human genitalia and human faces with weird mouths. You giggle to yourself and stuff the napkin into your pocket.
To analyse its properties of course.
Not because you like his drawings and think he’s cute or anything.
You sigh dreamily and stare after him, leaning your elbow on the table. Unfortunately, you miss the table by a long shot and nearly go crashing to the floor.
An old couple stare at you accusingly, but you just smile at them.
You’re totally fucked.
* * *
“What the fuck are you doing?” Karkats voice penetrates through your earlobes.
“Nothing.”
“Right. ‘Nothing’” He narrows his eyes at you. “You’re milling about your hoard of gold with a stupid look on your dumb grey face, a handful in your pockets while the Strider human is in debt.”
“No I’m not.”
“Johnen, I’m not Terezi. I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU WITH IT GLINTING IN YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE CLAWS.”
Karkat is right, you are taking some of your precious gold hoard to buy Dave’s apartment block so he doesn’t get evicted. But it’s because you’re repaying Dave back for saving your life.
You avoid Karkats annoyed glare and attempt to shuffle around him. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work.
He grabs your wrist, forcing you to look him in the eyes.
“Johnen, I know what you’re trying to do.”
“Then let me do it.”
“No! He’s a fucking free-loader! You can’t just pay for his troubles to go away, he’ll just expect more money from you. Besides, where did you get all this money from? You’re supposed to be a virtually broke human right? How the fuck did you come across a hoard of gold? It’s come apparent that it human culture you don’t just murder people for their money.”
You flinch back. “That was when I was younger! I was full of teen angst and blue-blood entitlement. I’m different now.”
“John, you murdered like, twenty people.”
“Mmmmmmmm we’re getting off topic here.” You want to get off this topic as soon as possible. You hate to be reminded of your bloody past, and Karkat knows it.
He winches a little at the low blow he knows he’s committed, but you wave off the apologies before he even opens his mouth. You know he doesn’t mean it.
“The point is, I’ll do it anonymously so you don’t have to worry. Dave will never expect a thing!”
“Hmmmm. That still sounds risky and stupid. Someone could still look into it—and find out you don’t exist! Because to them—you don’t. You just appeared out of nowhere! People will look into it and then we’ll be found out a lot earlier than intended. We’ll be going into an alliance blind!”
“Just trust me Karkat! When have I ever let you down?”
“Oh I don’t know, how about the time you—mpfh!” You cover his mouth with your hand.
“Sssshhhhhhh. I’ll just find the greediest fat cat and then bribe him with all this gold. I know that’s how human society works, the richest want to be richer and so do the poorest. Everything in their society revolves around money, it’s a proven fact.”
Karkat just glares at you—but you hold just as firm. Blue ringed eyes meet red ringed ones. You pull your cutest puppy-dog eyes that you know Karkat can’t resist.
You were right, Karkat can’t resist them.
“Ugh fine! Just do it! Like I care if everything fucks up!” Karkat shouts, throwing his hands up in the air.
“It won’t fuck everything up Karkat! Please, just trust me.”
He rolls his eyes. “Of course I trust you, you dumbass. But I don’t trust him.”
He walks off, leaving you to ponder on what he meant.
* * *
Everything Karkat said would go wrong didn’t go wrong.
No one suspected a thing, and you were right about the whole ‘humans only care about money’ thing. As soon as Dave’s landlord saw the small handful of gold in your hands, he sold you the apartment block right away.
You guess you’re Dave’s landlord now.
You chuckle to yourself and absent-mindedly kick an empty soda can across the street. It clatters against the hard pavement, causing you to pause and watch it go by.
Fascinating! Once again, gravity shows you how different it is on this planet.
You pull out your notebook, ready to record already there information.
“Dude, are you taking notes on the road? Man, I thought I was a careful driver, but you’re willing to go that much further. I admire you wholly for that. Truly Egbert, you are my hero.” Dave’s voice stands out from behind you.
Smiling, you put away your notepad before he can see any of the writing and turn to look at him.
“Oh hi Dave! What are you doing here?”
“Oh um…you’ll never believe what happened!”
You grin devilishly. “I don’t know if I will believe it—what happened?”
“Some asshole came in and bought my whole apartment block! We don’t even know who they are—some foreign dude with the biggest wallet in the universe bought the whole thing! And they’re not even charging rent!” Dave waves his arms in the air and spins on his foot as he begins to walk down the street. You hurry after him.
“Should they be charging rent?”
“Yes! Kind of? Not that I’m complaining. Maybe now I can finally buy some food?”
“Oh! Will you still be alright? I mean, food is pretty important here.” You shoot him a concerned glance as you continue to walk down the street.
“I’ll be fine. I seem to have some kind of guardian angel looking out for me.”
“Hee hee hee” You giggle stupidly, fixing your gaze onto your feet.
“John, stop playing dumb, I know you did it.”
“What? No I didn’t.”
“John I read the fucking deed. It’s under your name.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not even going to ask how you got that much money.”
“It’s a long story anyway. Boring too. Lots of taxes and accounting and stuff.”
Actually it involved pirate ships, an ex-matesprit, an immense amount of stolen treasure, making out on piles of said stolen treasure, murder and cold feet about said murder. A truly epic tale, but one that would give you away.
You don’t think humans actively go on treasure hunts across the globe, robbing and pillaging when they’re only 5 sweeps old (which is 10 years in human).
“Sounds fun.”
“It was.”
The two of you continue to walk down the street in a comfortable silence, only sound the occasional passing car and your feet against the pavement. At sunset, there are hardly any people about, making the scenery around you absolutely gorgeous. Trolls are never ones to admit they find something beautiful—but you would proudly say that this sunset (and Dave) is truly beautiful.
Loud shouts and yells break you from the trance you’ve entered staring at the sinking sun.
A human, all dressed in black, has taken it upon themselves to attack Dave. The person has grabbed Dave’s bag and is refusing to let go. Dave is struggling, but you can tell the other human has the other hand.
You don’t know what this guy’s problem is, or where he came from. But you do know this guy is gonna get what’s coming to him.
You draw your fist back and punch the guy in the face as hard as you can. Considering the fact that you’re a highblood, this is pretty hard. You’re surprised at the fact you heard no ‘snap’ of bones breaking.
The guy yells in surprise and staggers backwards, obviously taken aback by the sheer force you punched him with. You step forward a little, shielding Dave with your body. If only you had your War Hammer here…but this is a peaceful mission, so no weapons allowed.
The guy runs forward to attack, but a swift kick to the knees knocks him down to the ground. This time, Dave walks up to the guy and stomps down on his crotch area. The guy howls in pain and grabs his crotch, struggling up to retreat to safety.
“Yeah that’s right. You better run you sleazebag!” Dave shouts after the retreating figure.
“What was that about? Does this happen often here?” You say, adrenaline still running through your veins.
“Um yeah. Sometimes. I don’t live in the best neighbourhood dude.” Dave looks a little ashamed to admit this fact.
“Perhaps our two civilisations aren’t so different after all…” You muse, taking a better look at the street you’ve only now realised houses Dave’s apartment.
You have no idea what a ‘bad human neighbourhood’ looks like, but it looks somewhat like the neighbourhood Karkat lived in back on Alternia.
You wonder why Dave lives here?
“So um…I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come back to my place?” Dave asks, shuffling his feet awkwardly and scratching the back of his neck.
He’s…inviting you back to his place? This is a golden opportunity! You can learn so much about him, and human culture, and Dave himself.
“Yes! That sounds great!” You grin at him, trying (and failing) to notice how his whole face lights up.
You both continue to hide beaming smiles and blushing cheeks behind hands and banter as Dave leads you into his apartment.