Rose and Jade
It’s been about a month since Dave first invited over to his place, and the two of you are bigger best bros than ever. He’s really begun to open up to you, much to your happiness.
Ever since then, you’ve been going around to Dave’s apartment every day. You’ve been taking care of him, because he is your main source of information about this planet and its inhabitants. You’ve helped him find a job and you cook for him every night.
At first, he was hesitant to let you cook for him, but then he tasted your food. Needless to say, you pretty much cook for him full-time now.
That’s what you’re doing right now actually. Not cooking for Dave, but buying groceries for him.
Karkat says it’s demeaning for one of your class to act in such servitude to one like Dave. For some reason, Karkat is incredibly untrusting of Dave, and whenever you bring up your ‘cool boyfriend/best friend’, Dave gets really quiet.
You’ve learnt that humans are monogamous, unlike trolls. Humans just have the red quadrant, so you said Karkat was your boyfriend to avoid confusion.
“Hmmm, baking supplies! Maybe I could make a cake for Dave to thank him for everything?” You murmur to yourself, staring down the baking aisle. You move forward, running a hand along the items as you walk past, looking over the different human brands and foods.
Your fingers brush against a familiar red packaging ad you pause, wrenching the box from its confines in the shelf.
What’s this doing here? This is bad, bad, bad! She was banished when…never mind. That’s not important right now. You need to do something about this.
Hurriedly, you grab the box from the shelf and shove it in your bag. This needs to be analysed, immediately.
* * *
You wrench Dave’s apartment door open, brandishing a packet of Betty Crocker’s Deluxe Chocolate Whirl Cake. You ran straight here from the shops, so you’re a little out of breath.
“What the fuck is this?” You screech, staring at the…two…women sitting and staring at you from Dave’s couch.
The first is a tall, thin, tanned woman who is casually braiding her partners thick black tresses. The taller womans hair is short and bobbed, kept back with a black plastic headband. Her lips have been painted a dark plum colour and her lavender coloured eyes are high-lighted with dark human eye paint.
The second is shorter and very-well muscled, with dark skin and a thick mass of black hair. Green rimmed glasses are perched on her button nose. Like you, rather large front teeth jut out from plump lips.
“It is a box of Betty Crocker’s Deluxe Chocolate Whirl Cake, isn’t that obvious?” The blonde woman says, eyes brimming with amusement.
“Exactly! And the fact that you know about her tyrannical highness makes it even worse!”
“Her…tyrannical highness?” The black-haired woman raises an eyebrow at you.
“Yes! Although, she’s not much of a majesty or a highness anymore, because Feferi banished her but—“
“Wait what? Who exactly are you?”
“I could say the same to you.”
“Oh uh, I see the three of you have met.” Dave stands at the kitchen door, one hand on his hip and the other holding a cup of coffee.
He’s met with three blank stares. He shrugs and points the coffee-mug-holding-hand towards each of you in turn.
“Rose, Jade, this is my best friend, John. John, this is my cousin Rose, and her girlfriend Jade.”
“Nice to meet you…” You mumble, slightly embarrassed about earlier events. It is now quite obvious that these poor humans have no idea about the shitstorm coming.
“Likewise.” The blonde woman-Rose-nods, her blonde hair bobbing along with her head.
“So John, what brings you to Dave’s house, apart from yelling about cake mixes?” Jade grins up at you, smile full of teeth. (You struggle not to take this as a threat. You assume this is a friendly smile, and not one that challenges a troll to a fight.)
“Oh, I have groceries for Dave.” You say nonchalantly, all the while staring at Jade’s teeth.
“Wow David, moving this fast already? When were you planning to introduce us?” Rose muses, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s not like that! He just buys me stuff and cooks and cleans for me!” Dave protests.
“Oh! A sugar daddy then.” Rose turns back to Jade’s hair, smirking as Dave blushes and splutters.
“N-No! What the fuck Rose?” He manages to stutter out, which is really quiet funny and adorable now that you think about it.
“What’s a sugar daddy?” You ask.
“So innocent! So pure!” Jade gasps, green eyes wide. “Dave! He’s so sweet! How did you meet?”
“I saved him from getting hit by a car. He decided to follow me around and repay the debt.”
“Aww how adorable!” Jade coos, which you find quite insulting. You are a fully grown eleven sweep old high-blood goddamnit! You are not adorable.
“Anyway Jade, you guys asked me why I was here, what about you? Why are you here?” You ask, attempting to change the topic.
“Jade wants to go to a Robotics Convention and dragged me along. We’re staying the night at Dave’s house.” Rose replies.
“Oh! Well that’s fine! I think I have enough groceries to make enough dinner.” You smile at everyone, hoisting the bag up in the air. “I’d um…better go do that…” You mutter, walking past them into the kitchen.
Cursing at how awkward that was, you set the grocery bags down and get to work.
You are a highblood, and this is quite demeaning, but it’s all worth it to learn more about human culture.
* * *
“SUCK MY FUCKING DICK YOU USELESS PIECE OF TRASH!”
“Fuck no Harley, you’re going down.”
Jade dragged you into the lounge room to play video games with everyone. You’ve played quite a few video games with Karkat and Sollux, so you know what to do. You have to admit, it’s not quite what you expected, but it’s still really fun!
You mean, Rose is quietly winning the game, Jade is yelling in levels that rival Karkat and Dave is not-quite-yelling-but-swearing-a-lot.
They’re playing the human game of ‘Mario Kart’. You’re really good at the troll version, but not so much the human version. There never was a course called ‘Rainbow Road’ in troll Mario Kart—rainbows are considered to be rebel propaganda to unite the hemospectrum.
As you fall off the rippling rainbow for the fifth time, you give up.
There is no way you’re going to beat them—you haven’t even finished your first lap whilst Jade and Dave are in the second lap and Rose is nearing the finish line.
You watch in amusement as your friends battle it out for victory. Rose has already come first place, and Jade and Dave are battling it out for the grand title of tenth place. There is a lot of swearing, yelling and elbows involved. Rose leans around the two of them to stare at you curiously, which is quite creepy actually.
Embarrassed by Rose’s stare, you turn back to the game. Looking at the ‘Finished’ line of the text makes you realise even the game gave up on you.
“Suck it Strider, I kicked your butt!” Jade yells, throwing her controller down triumphantly.
“In your dreams Harley!”
“Well looks like they’ve bled into reality, because I won!”
“Tenth place dear. I 360 no-scoped your noob asses.” Rose finally speaks up about her victory, smug grin on black lips.
You blink in surprise, those words unexpected coming from that mouth. She winks at you, which you find very confusing.
“Oh! I’ll go get some popcorn for us all!” You have found out that humans like popcorn with their entertainment. Dave particularly enjoys his with a huge amount of butter, and cheese melted on top as well as some shittily ironic movie he got on Netflix.
You don’t hear any protests, so you wiggle your way out from between Dave and the couch. Placing your controller down on the coffee table, you head into the kitchen.
It’s rather small, with limited cupboard and furniture space. A flower pot filled with wilted flowers rests next to the sink. You squeeze your way towards the cupboard you know holds the microwave popcorn.
Digging through the various packages of instant noodles and fresh produce you forced in there, you attempt to feel your way around the cupboard. Chicken instant noodles, apple juice poppers, choc-chip cookies and jars of spaghetti sauce…finally you hear the crinkly noise of the microwave popcorn package.
You grab it out of the cupboard, heading over to the microwave.
Human technology wasn’t that hard to get your head around—it wasn’t that different from troll technology. Sure it was less advanced, but they had invented so much cool stuff!
Different types of food, electricity, animation, beds, fridges, gardens, fashion and all kinds of curious oddities!
You love learning about human things! Even though you often make a fool of yourself in front of Dave whilst doing so.
Like…the toilet incident.
It’s not your fault! You didn’t know it was used for that. You thought it was some kind of wash basin! Luckily, Dave caught you before you put in the soap and hand-towels. It was…embarrassing to say the least.
Out of all the human inventions, radio would probably be your favourite! The idea of transmitting songs and sounds through special waves and little boxes would have never even been considered on Alternia. Songs and music are forbidden on Alternia.
Only the highest of the highbloods can even gaze upon and play instruments—but the sea-dwellers can’t even play anything underwater. However, you have heard rumours that Empress Feferi has a whole room dedicated to them in her underwater palace.
You may be a high-blood—second highest in the land-dwellers—but even you can’t touch or look at an instrument. You’ve only seen an instrument once before—when you and Vriska were out pillaging some high-bloods villa. It was a small, chair-like object inlaid with ivory. White and black planks ran along the side with a dip in it. You dared to lean forward to touch one of the white planks—and a haunting note hung in the air. You were transfixed by that note until Vriska called you to ‘come see’. You reluctantly followed her, wishing all the while you could have taken that instrument.
Humans however, seem to love music. It’s in their movies, plays, video games, advertisements, phones and many other forms of media. You often hear it coming from Dave’s room—loud and pumping, often on repeat. You think it’s coming from a large rectangle he calls his ‘turntables’. You’re trying to get him to play for you, but to no avail.
While the microwave popcorn heats up in the microwave, you begin to cut cheese to melt in a separate bowl for Dave.
“Hello John.” A calm, somewhat melodic voice startles you. You jump in surprise, accidently dropping the knife in the process. It lands on your hand, before falling to the floor with a loud clatter.
A thin, blue line wells up where the knife struck you. Although your human flesh is quiet soft, your troll flesh must have protected your fingers from being chopped off.
Well shit.
“Oh um…hi Rose!” You turn around to greet her, hiding your bleeding hand behind your back.
“John, are you alright?” She frowns, eyes narrowed at the knife now lying on the floor.
Shit, the knife! It’s probably covered in your blood!
“Yep, yep, I’m fine.” You manage, awkwardly shuffling to hide the knife. You kick it under the gap between the drawers and the floor, wincing as it skitters loudly.
“You sure about that?” Rose raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow.
“Uh….yep! I sure am!” You wince at how awkward you’re being. And the fact that you accidently stabbed yourself with a knife.
“I’m pretty sure you’re not. Are you hurt?” Rose takes a step forward, and you back away as far as you can go. Which isn’t far, because you back right into the edge of the kitchen bench.
“Nope!” You say cheerfully, just as you bump your bleeding hand into the bench. You try to keep your face level, but it’s kind of hard when your hand is throbbing out of control. You need to keep your blood away from Rose, or else everything will be ruined! Plus, all those alien movies Dave has that you watched always show scientific experiments. You know what scientists do to their patients—there is no way you want that to happen.
It must show in your face, because suddenly Rose is frowning, stepping closer to you. With nowhere else to go, you decide to distract her with small talk.
“So um…how have you been Rose?” You ask, hoping that she’ll buy it.
“Pretty good. This Robotics Convention Jade’s going to is apparently where all the top scientists and mechanics and technicians all over the world go to, to get inspiration and funding for their work. Quite exclusive actually. I’m glad that I’m going with her.” She answers, but you don’t think she buys it.
“I didn’t know humans could make robots yet.” Slips out. Dammit Johnen. Way to make her more suspicious.
“You’re talking like you aren’t human.” She narrows her eyes at you.
“Well, I am. Totally human. Flesh, bones, blood and all.”
“Then why is your blood bright blue?”
“Well you must be hallucinating.” Just as you say that (in the most squeaky, pathetic, uncool voice known to the universe) the microwave dings. You shriek in surprise, throwing your hands up to defend yourself from the sudden noise. Then you stop, because your bleeding hand is clearly in Rose’s vision.
“I can assure you, I’m not.” She says smugly (everything she does is smug).
Shit.
“I-I-I…please don’t tell Dave…” You draw your injured hand closer to yourself, watching as the blue blood trickles down your dark hands.
“As long as you explain everything to me.”
“I can’t explain everything—most things are classified.” You shift awkwardly, under her scrutinizing gaze.
“I can understand that.” She stares at your blood, seemingly transfixed. This weirds you out to no end. But you take a deep breath and put on our scientist persona—you need to think rationally now that you’ve been cornered. If you don’t conduct this rationally, then everything will be jeopardised. Perhaps Rose would sell you out to some obscure government agency, where they’ll perform horrible experiments on you for the rest of your days.
“I’m what you’d call an alien. A troll to be more specific.”
“So you’re an ugly, idiotic creature that lives under a bridge?” Rose’s eyebrows were raised, and you could see slight amusement in her gaze.
“That’s what they think of us?” You can’t help it, you take out your notepad and start writing. Then you pause, realising you have company. "Oh sorry. That was just some…um…research…” You shove the notebook away, back to its pocket.
“Then I assume this is a research mission of some kind?” Rose asks, tilting her head to the side ever so slightly.
Were you really that transparent? Your hands make their way to the pendant around your neck, feeling the rough stone and swirls that adorn it. Is this thing really hiding you from the humans, or is it the thing that makes you obvious to them?
“Yes. My moirail and I are on an interplanetary peace mission, to learn more about this planets culture to form an alliance. Our Empress wishes to expand the empire…on friendly terms this time.” Great. Now you've mentioned Karkat. If you ever get caught, then that means the Sinister Government Agency will go looking for him too.
“I’m assuming you don’t actually look human.”
“That would be true.”
“Blue blood is one thing, but what are the others?”
“Well for one, I have horns, orange skin and I used to be a grub when I was a baby!”
Rose wrinkles up her nose a little at this, but that is all. She isn’t making moves to call the police or the military. She hasn’t fainted, nor is she fainted on the floor spasming and frothing at the mouth. She seems to have legitimate questions, so you might as well answer them.
“Haha yeah, it’s pretty gross by your standards, but pretty normal by ours.”
“So everyone on your planet has horns, grey skin, blue blood and used to be an insect at birth?”
“Actually, no. Not the blood thing I mean. Trolls have different blood colours than humans and even each other. There’s a thing called the Hemospectrum, that dictates all blood colour. It goes; burgundy, bronze, gold, lime, jade, teal, cobalt, indigo, purple, violet and fuchsia!”
“I’m assuming you’re cobalt?” Rose asks, but the look on your face quickly makes her change her mind. “…Or not?”
“Indigo.” You nod. “Sorry, just some bad experiences with a Cobalt Blood when I was younger.” You wave off any questions about Vriska she might have with your injured hand.
“So…how are you finding Earth?”
You pause a little at that. How are you finding Earth? You’ve hardly seen anything outside of Dave’s shitty apartment. You can’t really have an opinion on Earth things quite yet.
“Well, the people here seem pretty nice! I mean, I’ve only met both you and Jade today, but you both seem to be pretty cool! I’ve known Dave the longest I guess, and he’s really nice. He may seem like a total asshole, but he’s really cool and funny and sweet! He rambles a lot—whenever angry, or sad, or happy, or confused—but I’ve learnt how to tell the difference. They’re quite charming and adorable once you get used to them!”
“Dave huh?” Rose interrupts, wiggling her eyebrows at you.
“What?”
“Never before have I heard my cousins rambles described as ‘charming’ and ‘adorable’
“I—that doesn’t mean anything!” You splutter, more concerned with this then the fact Rose knows you’re an alien. “A bro can appreciate the way his best bro rambles…talks…exists…” You mumble off.
“Riiight. So you have a crush on a human. Don’t you already have a moirail or something? Did I hear that correctly?”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“Well for one, human romance isn’t like troll romance. It has quadrants and it’s messy and complicated. Plus the hemospectrum complicates thing on a whole other level.”
“Wait, so trolls are polyamorous?”
“I believe that’s the human term yes.” You nod, trying to look thoughtful and wise.
“I’m guessing quadrants are a set of four kinds of romance?”
“Yes! First you have matesprits. It’s kind of like human relationships I guess? But I can’t really compare it. Not enough evidence.”
You hear her mutter ‘bet you want Dave to give you evidence’ under her breath but you decide to ignore her.
“Next, you have moirallegiance. Now this is one is formed out of mutual need and respect. Two trolls, or palemate, are soulmates in a more-platonic sort of sense. Moirails guard each others hearts and sooth each others rage. Then you have Kismesis—two trolls with a deep, deep hatred for each other. Usually involves violent acts of passion and the like. Finally, you have Auspistice—the mediator between two kismesises. They basically stop the kismesis from killing each other. I’m not doing a very good job at explaining this…Karkat would do a better job. He lives and breathes quadrants.” You trail off.
“Is Karkat your moirail?” Rose asks.
“Yes! He’s pretty cool! He likes to pretend he’s angry and tough and a hardened threshecutioner, but he’s really a big softie! He likes to practise with his sickles every night before bed—and it’s adorable! He’s a lot better now, but when he was younger he used to—“ You cut off, realising you’re rambling about someone she’s never met.
“Sorry! I was rambling. Um…I’m going to have to ask you not to tell anyone about this.”
“Understandable. Not a soul will be told. My lips are sealed tighter than the stubbornest of pickle jars.”
Just as she says that, none other than Dave walks in. You quickly hide your injured hand behind your back, but you needn’t have worried. Dave is way too preoccupied with sulking and getting himself a apple juice popper.
“Your girlfriend is a right bitch, you know Lalonde?”
“Did she threaten your already fragile masculinity by beating you in Mario Kart again?” Rose says nonchalantly, a smug smirk on her lips.
“Not just once, I owned his ass three times and counting!” Jade appears in the doorway. You hide your injured hand even deeper between the cupboard and your back.
“Oh shut up Harley.” Dave rolls his eyes, but he looks visibly shaken by her victory.
You almost feel sorry for him.
Almost.
“Wow Dave, you truly are the superior gamer among us all.” (This is an inside joke between the two of you. Because you aren’t very good at human video games, Dave likes to joke he’s the best video gamer ever ((he’s not)) ).
“Shut it Egbutt.” He turns his attention to you.
“Make me Stridouche.” You poke your tongue out at him, which causes him to scoff in disgust.
“Disgusting. And in my own home too. How dare you poke your tongue out at me mister.”
“I do what I want.” You poke your tongue out at him again. He gasps in outrage.
“I am truly blasphemised. Just like a whore in church, you continue to disrespect the goddamn law. And that law is tongue-poking-out. Not hoeing about. I mean, you can hoe about all you want. Like you do have a boyfriend, so you can hoe around with him if you are totally into that. Or other people as well if you’re both cool with that. Like me. Shit I mean Lalonde—Lalonde is totally into that. Probably. She’s freaky like that.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Neither do I.”
“When do you?”
“When I’m talking about you bro.”
“Bro.”
“Boys, can you stop flirting for one minute? It’s very awkward for us lesbians.” Jade interrupts, hand on hips.
“What Harley, you jealous?” Dave says, thrusting his hips in her direction. She wrinkles up her nose in disgust.
You chuckle to yourself, eyes drawing away from the conversation at hand. They fall upon the packet of Betty Crocker Deluxe Chocolate Whirl Cake in the cupboard, a subtle warning of what’s to come. Because if She has her grip this far on Earth, then the humans are not safe. Karkat and yourself aren’t safe, because you’re in orbit of Earth. Rose, Jade and Dave aren’t safe, because they freaking live here!
She will come for them, and kill them all. The Alternian Empire will expand—but it will not be under Empress Feferi.
The best you can do is warn her of the inevitable.