Shiny Things

Red vs. Blue
F/F
F/M
M/M
G
Shiny Things
Summary
They never asked to be heroes, but they've been chosen to keep the galaxy safe anyways. With middle fingers raised, they'll take on the universe's sick sense of humor.Find out what happens when a group of idiots become mech pilots in an intergalactic battle....We're (maybe?) (probably?) most definitely screwed.{An AU inspired by Voltron: Legendary Defender and Mass Effect.}
Note
Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Red vs. Blue or any of the show’s characters. They are the rightful properties of Rooster Teeth.
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The Real Question (Part Four)

Richard “Dick” Simmons’ eyes opened, signaling his return to consciousness as the systems on Maroon sparked back to life. His eyes widened at the sight. Sparking in a mech? That’s not a good sign! Even with a cursory glance, the Strassian could tell that Maroon’s cockpit was seriously damaged.

“Oh good, you’re awake!” Another voice sounded nearby, and Simmons started in surprise at Doc’s presence, “I was starting to worry about you, Simmons.” The brown-haired Elvari stated, clearly relieved.

Simmons tried to wrack his brain around why Doc was there, suddenly remembering that Doc had wanted to talk to him about doing something nice for Donut right before they had started this mission. Why Doc had asked him about that was anyone’s guess, but that was how the purple wearing man had finagled his way onto Maroon. Despite their continued awkwardness when interacting, Grif muttered “Sucks to be you.” under his breath at Simmons as the redhead and Doc readied to depart and Simmons had nearly kicked the orange-armored asshole.

Doc was still explaining why he wanted to do something for Donut as they’d approached Iris, right around the time that an unidentified something suddenly activated from the planet’s surface and all of the equipment on Maroon had gone dark. Then they’d been falling, and he crashed into the nearest mech which happened to be...

“Grif!” Simmons exclaimed in panic as he saw Orange looking even worse for wear through Maroon’s dimmed view screen. The Strassian moved past Doc to exit his mech, vaguely aware that they had landed in what appeared to be a small clearing in a lush forest before finding that Orange’s cockpit was only partially closed due to the impact of the crash. He pried the cockpit’s entrance all the way open with Doc’s help, Grif pretty much landing right on top of him. Damn it! This is why I always said these damn mechs should come with seatbelts!

Doc’s intake of breath as Simmons tried to figure out how badly injured the unconscious Grif was only intensified his panic, and then suddenly a young voice said, “He really isn’t in good shape, is he?” Both Doc and Simmons looked over at a little dark-haired Elvari girl staring up at them, tilting her head before noting, “You guys nearly landed on my house.”

Simmons’ mind was a blank as Grif groaned, and then he turned his attention back to the chubby human, hearing Doc say a polite “Hello.” to the girl in the background.

“You can treat him at my place, but we’ve gotta hurry!” The mysterious girl told them before introducing herself, “My name’s Huggins, by the way.”

Simmons nodded his head in thanks at her as he and Doc moved Grif away from the damaged mechs and towards the small house close by, his body seemingly on autopilot.

*****

Carolina grit her teeth as the smaller transport she’d been flying was now pretty much upside down. She asked, “Is everyone all right?” with an assertiveness she didn’t really feel, fearing that the answers she received wouldn’t be positive.

“I’m never going to complain about Niner’s piloting again.” was all Church said as he let out a small groan.

Carolina rolled her eyes and said, “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Remind me, is it normal for me to not feel my legs?” Jax asked to no one in particular, and Carolina fought the urge to smack both men.

“That’s just because all the blood rushed to the top of your head,” Church explained as he unbelted himself and fell down, cursing as he did so, “Though it seems like a missed opportunity for someone like you.”

Jax did the same, albeit simply bemoaning, “Oh, I hope my camera is all right!” Carolina had no trouble landing on her feet, and Church rolled his eyes at her athletic display, “Show off.” He muttered not exactly under his breath.

She merely shrugged in response, clearly amused before trying to go back to their more serious situation, “What exactly hit us?” Her eyes scanned what she could see of Iris, but she couldn’t discern any immediate threats in the grassy plain they’d landed in. That alone put her on edge. She didn’t like having an enemy she couldn’t see.

“It was clearly an EMP of some kind,” Church informed her, “Though I’ve never heard of one capable of affecting an entire planet before.” Carolina frowned in thought as Church continued, “Maybe Kimball should really rethink her policy about attempting to help everyone.”

“We don’t know what happened yet,” Carolina reminded him, “Right now, it’s important that we find the others.”

“Hello!” A cheerful voice in pink armor called out, a blue-visor bobbing in the sun as teal and maroon-armored figures followed after the stranger, “You folks look like you could use a bit of a push from behind.”

Church and Carolina exchanged a look while Jax let out an ecstatic “Sweet, my camera is fine!” in the background.

Sheila ran over before the others, asking, “Are you three all right?” as she surveyed the crash.

“As much as can be expected, though our ride will need repairs.” Carolina explained, “What about you?”

“Pretty much the same, though Tank only sustained minimal damage.” Sheila turned to the approaching men who had yet to introduce themselves, “These are some of the Arenians who were supposed to meet us.”

“It’s a pleasure.” The pink-armored one said, “Temple is really looking forward to meeting you all. We can’t wait to figure out what just happened here.”

******

Tucker, Caboose, David Washington, and the lieutenants were all recovering from their near brush with death, so a typical mission for their group. It was so routine it almost felt scripted when the former Freelancer asked “Is everyone all right?” to no one in particular.

“How could we be after having been crammed into a small space like sardines and then being jostled around without even getting anything out of it?” Kai asked, huffing in exaggerated annoyance.

“Yeah!” Palomo agreed before going, “Um, what?”

Caboose looked worried as he said, “Freckles still hasn’t come back online.”

Tucker sighed, “Maybe whatever hit us did some damage to him?” He asked, surveying Iris as if what little they could see of the planet might hold some answers. They’d landed by a large body of water, but beyond that there weren’t a lot of discernible features.

“Perhaps,” Washington stated doubtfully, though he frowned and said, “Maybe this wasn’t the best time to have tested out Steel again.”

“I don’t know, dude, seems like a pretty standard thing for us, all things considered.” Tucker informed him.

“Maybe he needs batteries!” Caboose suddenly spoke up while glancing over at Freckles thoughtfully, the lieutenants all glancing at one another.

“I don’t know if that is the issue, sir.” Jensen tried to say delicately, “Besides, I don’t even think the mechs run on batteries.”

“Did someone say batteries?” A new, immature voice exclaimed. Everyone turned around to see two men, one in red armor and one in blue armor and both with blue visors, standing there. “I always keep batteries at our headquarters.” The younger-sounding man in blue assured Caboose.

“That’s right,” the one in red stated, “We can get your friend up and running again in no time!”

“Sweet!” Tucker exclaimed, punching the air with his fist as he did so.

Caboose and the lieutenants seemed thoroughly relieved at this bit of news, though Washington couldn’t help but frown. He didn’t like the idea of trusting total strangers. This whole situation seemed like it was way too contrived. …Which, again, was a pretty typical mission for their group.

*****

“Careful now.” Sarge stated as he helped Grey down from the Warthog, eyes scanning the area for any potential threats from the nearby village they’d crashed by.

“Honestly,” the dark-skinned doctor smiled as she addressed the older Arenian, “You’re acting as if I’ve never walked away from a crash before.”

“I should know by now to never doubt you.” Sarge stated, shooting her an appraising look as she made her descent to Iris’ surface.

Grey’s smile only grew, “Quite right.”

Lopez sighed, “Hay un pueblo cerca si quieres intentar descubrir qué pasó.” {“There's a village nearby if you want to try and figure out what happened.”}

“I agree, Lopez,” Sarge nodded his head, “That we all need to take it easy after that nasty crash landing, but shouldn’t we get help from that village first?”

Lopez muttered something unintelligible under his breath as a figure started approaching them.

“Hello, there!” A man in sage armor with gold and teal trim spoke up, “Do you require assistance?” there was a smirk to his voice as he added, “I do legally own Iris, after all.”

Sarge said, “You’re the owner?!?”

The man tilted his head to the side, “That’s right, and I’m just so torn up over having accidentally trapped all of you in the planet’s EMP defense shielding.” He shrugged his shoulders as if the whole incident was no big deal, “I must have totally forgotten the date that Temple said you’d be arriving.”

The three glanced at one another then, not sure of what to make of the overly polite stranger’s words.

“My name is Genkins, and I certainly hope that even this chaotic start to the day won’t sour your later talks any.”

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