SEVEN
A couple of days after being released from the hospital I was getting ready for Sarah’s birthday party. I’d bought her a gift online, some sort of bag she had been whining about for months and it sat all wrapped waiting for me on the dinner table while I was carefully considering what to wear. I ended up wearing some black jeans and two sweaters because it made me look a little fuller than I actually was. It was a tactic I’d used before and it worked, a little anyway.
Delphine and I hadn’t spoken much during the past week. She also hadn’t come over, which officially had made this weak a bad one in my book. Obviously I hadn’t seen her when at the hospital, but after that, and I had explicitly told her I was home again, she hadn’t showed up at my doorstep uninvited with dinner in one hand and a series or movie in the other once. I figured that perhaps she was still unhappy about our last conversation, the one we had before I had to go to the hospital. Thinking back to that talk still gave me a bad feeling. Especially considering the fact that I would be seeing her tonight. I wondered whether she would be angry with me, because that would most likely ruin my entire evening. Then, what was ruining one evening compared to ruining her entire life with my cancer.
I’d been having guilt trips ever since going into the hospital, going back and forth from needing Delphine in my life to shutting her out because it was best for her. Coming Sunday, the day before I had to report back for chemo duty, we’d be going to another film festival, after that I probably had to tell her that we couldn’t be friends. It would be easy enough for me since I’d be spending the next month in the hospital again so I couldn’t be confronted with her for at least four weeks, I wouldn’t be exposed to her pain and tears. I could just walk away (to the hospital and lie in bed all four weeks and cry). It would be the best possible thing to do, for her. Obviously I would be doing it for her, not for myself. I began to feel sick of myself and focused on applying some make-up to look at least a little less pale.
I arrived at the party around nine and it was more crowded at Sarah’s apartment than ever. Her parties were always quite extravagant but this party was even more so. The music was blaring loudly, drowning out the sound of pleasant conversation and laughter. Everywhere I looked people stood closely huddled together, people made googly eyes at each other and flirted their asses off. This was not my world anymore, their worlds existed of flirting with boys or girls, or both, they spent their money on shopping and clubbing.
For the first time in months or even years, I actually felt alone. Half an hour after arriving, I found myself sitting my best friend’s birthday, realizing my life was filled with cancer and chemo treatments and people who didn’t even realize that there was a great chance I might not be around anymore next year. It gave me a strange feeling. After having been practically alone my entire life, I had never felt lonely before. Until now. I felt like a complete stranger among a group of people I recognized, but realized I had nothing in common with. The only people I felt a real connection to were Sarah, who was entertaining her guests and Delphine, who wasn’t here yet.
Sarah stood in the kitchen, pouring wine into red Dixie cups, a group of eager boys surrounding her, trying to get her attention. Sarah had always been a boy magnet, and a chick magnet whenever she felt like it. Somehow, people were always drawn to her in a way they weren’t drawn to me, people rarely came up to me, hence the fact that I was sitting here on the couch in the pleasant company of yours truly. It wasn’t exactly that Sarah was better-looking than me, because we actually really looked alike each other a lot, but my best friend had a charisma that attracted people to her like bees to honey. Sarah knew this and used this, often to her own advantage, which was something I didn’t particularly always like about her. Still, we’d known each other our entire lives and she was and always would be my best friend. No matter what kind of trouble she got herself in or what kind of stunt she pulled.
Ever since I was young I’d had this group of friends, it wasn’t a big group, but we’d been together forever, we knew each other through and through. Over the years we’d been seeing a lot less of each other, because well, life had gotten in the way. There were jobs to think of, papers to write, relationships with possessive boyfriends and girlfriends. I had always been kind of the loner of the group, not entirely fitting into the group with my inspiration-spurts that could last weeks. During those periods of time, whether I was script-writing or painting, I was practically unreachable. My phone would die after a day and a half or so and I wouldn’t even notice until someone knocked on my door or until my inspiration ran out or more important, until my project was finished.
During the past months I hadn’t had any inspiration, until I had met Delphine that is. Upon meeting her everything had changed. Having her in my life had changed many things, naturally there were the nice things we did together. That in combination with her presence gave me these amazing spurts of energy, but that wasn’t all. Her entire being was something special, something I had never seen before in my life and I had met my fair share of people. Delphine was a woman who could lift your heart by just smiling at you. Whenever she complimented you she actually meant it. She didn’t say it because she had alternative motives.
I knew she had feelings for me, yet I knew she would never make a pass at me, because she wanted me to be the one to make the decision to kiss her. It was something I had never encountered in my life, usually people had just kissed me, for they had expected me to want it, when in fact I didn’t. How many people would just give you the opportunity to make up your mind on your own, on your own pace, without pushing you. In the end, people often just did something because it was something they wanted to do, without even considering whether the opposite party was ready for that same thing as well. It was something that had astonished me over the years, since that was not how my mind functioned. I always wanted to take things slow, consider my options, my wants and needs, before I actually got up to someone and kissed them. Perhaps that wasn’t exactly the way to go either, especially when I had to believe Sarah who kissed and fucked whoever showed the least bit of interest in her. I just wasn’t wired like that, nor did I want to be.
Delphine somehow knew this and though she complimented me often and showed how much she liked me in little ways, like coming over with a movie in her hand that we had talked about watching only the day before, cooking meals that she thought I’d like. She was thoughtful and pleasant company. She gave me energy where I should have none. She made me feel warm on the inside. I knew she was in love with me and perhaps, in some way, I was a little bit in love with her as well. The thought made me smile inwardly. It also made me shake my head, for as I was sitting there at that lame-ass party, all I wanted was for her to be there.
As if on cue, the front door opened and she walked in, immediately looking around. I knew, because I’d been staring at the front door the entire time. Half wishing that it would open only to show Delphine, the other half of me wishing it were time to go home already. Apparently the first half won. Delphine’s eyes found mine and she stopped, smiled and made her way over immediately. Once again, I realized my heart was beating faster than usual at the sight of her. It was something I still hadn’t become used to. In a way, this was also one of the things on which I based my conclusion that I was at least a little bit in love with Delphine.
She came to a halt in front of me and offered me her hands to pull me up. I took her hands, they were warm as usual, and let myself be enfolded in her arms without a word. For a long moment we hugged. I inhaled her scent, shampoo mixed with expensive perfume and detergent. She smelled freshly showered and perfect. When someone tried to pass us, and ended up nudging Delphine in the back, we both took a step back, separating entirely too soon for my taste. My head moved automatically upward to look into her eyes. The mere sight of them made my heart lift a couple of inches inside my chest.
“Ça va?” she murmured. I couldn’t actually hear her words but had become used to the way her lips formed when she spoke the two words that to me, contained so very much. It wasn’t a simple ‘what’s up,’ it was a meaningful ‘how are you? But really?’
“Good, now you’re here anyway. You?”
Lips curled into a smile she only gave me and the expression in her eyes turned soft and kind.
“Ça va bien, merci,” she said as she gently squeezed my upper arm. “So, why are you sitting here by yourself, aren’t you having fun?”
A frown replaced her gentle expression from before and I knew she was concerned rather than judging. She gestured for me to sit down and I plopped down on the couch. Delphine sat down next to me, a little more gracious. She sat close, our legs touching lightly. She turned a little more toward me and put her arm behind me on the couch, her arm bent so she could cupped her cheek with her head as she spoke to me.
“Well, it just occurred to me that I don’t have much in common with these people.”
“Why is that?”
I thought about that for a moment and many unkind reasons came to mind. Their shallowness, their selfishness, their lack of integrity. Was that really it though, wasn’t it the fact that these people actually had something to live for. Maybe I was jealous because they actually had all of their lives in front of them and they didn’t even fully realize it while I sat here on the couch, thinking about cancer and chemo treatments and Delphine and the fact that I might not ever get to live the way they do and have been. Had I actually been living up until I met Delphine? Did I waste all those years before, thinking I’d been living when in fact I hadn’t, not really anyway. Would I die without having lived?
I shrugged and looked away, knowing my eyes would have filled with pain and regret. Delphine lifted her hand and used it to pull my face back into her direction by putting it under my chin. “Talk to me,” she said in such a gentle tone it made my stomach roil.
“I am wondering whether I have been really living.”
“Pourquoi?”
I wasn’t sure how to put the incoherent strain of thought into correct English sentences, so much was going on inside of me that my head was practically spinning in confusion and emotion. “These people, they’re all living and all I’ve been doing up until now is work and now I’m about to …,” I almost said ‘die’ but swallowed it before the word had passed my lips.
“You’re about to what?”
I wasn’t sure how to continue my sentence without spilling my deepest and darkest of secrets so I stayed quiet for a moment and looked at the people in front of me. There was much to look at and it was so very obvious that these people knew how to enjoy themselves. Had my existence been nothing other than surviving? Perhaps having leukaemia was a test, a test for me to see just how meaningless my entire life up until now had been. What a cruel test it was to give me, not even because it was cancer. Let’s face the fact that cancer nowadays is curable and therefore survivable, but my kind of cancer, my fifteen percent chance of being alive after five years, that was no good way to test someone. It was a way to show someone they hadn’t really been living but it was difficult to fight when the future was so bleak. It was easier to give up everything and just accept the fact that life was not for you.
“Nothing, I’m just a little down.”
Delphine stared at me and it was obvious she didn’t believe a word I’d just said. She didn’t push though and nodded. Movement to my left made me look away from Delphine’s intense stare and I watched Sarah and Felix sit down on the couch next to Delphine.
“Hello ladies, enjoying the party?” Sarah asked, kissing Delphine on the cheek. I watched how Felix leaned over Sarah to do the same.
“I only just arrived but it looks like everyone is having fun.”
I nodded but didn’t respond.
“Yesterday was so much fun, Cosima, it’s too bad you weren’t there” Felix said, the look on his face a little too innocent.
“Is that right, good for you, glad you had fun.” I had no idea that they’d even gone somewhere. I hadn’t been invited. Probably on probation still for bad behaviour.
“Yeah, did Delphine tell you? She met someone.”
That sparked my attention and I looked aside at Delphine whose face had just flushed as red as a strawberry, she shot Felix a look and even Sarah frowned at her brother.
So that was why I hadn’t been able to get a hold of her today, had she been with someone today? “No, she didn’t tell me.”
“Oh, all right, well, her name is Haley, she was gorgeous, she’s coming tonight too so I’m sure you’ll meet her later, in fact, I had expected her to be here already,” Felix said, making a show out of looking around her to see if Delphine’s new love interest had already showed her face.
Delphine looked at me with panic in her eyes but said nothing.
She shot a look at Felix. “Why did you invite her?”
“Well, because you seemed to hit it off yesterday. The two of you kissed right?”
My heart had already started racing when the name Haley had been mentioned but at hearing they had kissed my mouth went dry and my head started spinning. She’d kissed someone else, she was obviously not as into me as I had thought or she could have gone an evening without kissing someone else.
My entire being was suddenly in an internal struggle. On the one side, my realistic side said to me 'wasn't this what I had wanted, for her to not have feelings for me because it wouldn't hurt her so much in the end'. Yet at the same time, my more dominant, unrealistic side yelled loudly 'she's fucking mine god damnit, I might not be kissing her, but obviously I have some sort of feelings for you, do you really have to kiss someone else while I'm trying to figure it all out'. The thoughts made me laugh inwardly, no matter how you look at it, I was being unfair, even if my emotional attachment to Delphine meant I actually had feelings for her. We would have no future, I had nothing to offer her but hurt and a funeral.
I smiled at Delphine and tried my best to keep the same amount of smile on my face. “Good for you, I'm looking forward to meeting her, I'm curious to know what kind of person qualifies as your type of woman, especially since you’re not into women, or so you claim.”
Delphine stared at me, looking hurt, Sarah looked truly puzzled and a bit angry. Felix just gloated. It made me feel so uncomfortable I got up. "Well I'm up for another drink.”
About ten minutes later I had found myself a quiet spot to sit and think without being interrupted by anyone, I'd gotten myself a bottle of scotch, stolen myself a joint, along with a lighter and I had climbed out of the window, onto the fire-escape, where I'd climbed up, all the way to the roof. One summer, a couple of years back when I was looking for a new apartment, having been kicked out of my old one. Sarah had offered for me to stay at her place. Since I hadn't wanted to go and live with my parents for the summer I'd accepted, not realizing just how many boys and girls Sarah took home with her. Especially that month, after having her heart broken by Cal, she'd slept with someone different almost every night.
During those nights there had been a lot of noise, apparently two women together feel the need to scream and shout louder than the other, which kind of makes for awkward breakfast situations the next day. A boy and a girl together made the bed hit the wall every other second, which was to be heard through the entire house. So, after over a week, I'd found myself a spot on the roof where I'd spent most of my time, where I'd even slept a couple of times because hearing my friend fuck someone had been just too freaking much for me to handle for ten nights straight. Who in the world had the energy to fuck a different person each night for such a long period of time. I couldn't even imagine having sex with someone for two nights in a row but then again, I had never really been a sexual person.
One day about three years ago I'd voiced those thoughts out loud when at a dinner party and in the company of a group existing of seven other women, most of whom had been at Sarah's dinner party a few weeks back and they had all stared at me with big eyes, several commenting that I probably had never had good sex or that I just hadn't met the right person. The conclusion of that conversation had been clear 'Cosima is weird for not liking sex'. Later on Sarah told me it wasn't strange, confessing that it had taken her several years before she truly enjoyed having sex. She'd asked me whether I had given up on love and relationships at a certain point, because I hadn’t been with anyone intimately in years. It had taken me a while to answer that questions. First of all, I wasn’t sure whether I actually believed in love. Also, I wasn’t convinced I was relationship material. I wasn’t into the kissing, into sleeping with other people, being naked around them.
When confessing all of these thoughts with Sarah she had told me about a friend of hers who had the same issue, she just didn't like having sex, until she had met this one guy, a guy she'd married a year after they'd met and who she'd had amazing sex with. That had made me smile a little and it had made me wonder whether that was the way it would go with me as well. Sarah had kindly called it special-person-sexual, which meant you would only get turned on by the one person that belonged with you. During the first year it had given me a little burst of hope, perhaps someday I would be like the rest of the world, enjoying sexy times with someone who was my special-someone. The more months passed though, the more hope I'd lost, until about a year ago, when I had actually given up on ever meeting someone.
And then Delphine had come into my life, like the whirlwind she was and she was the first person ever to make me feel anything other than the numbness that had taken root in my body ever since I had been young. I wasn't sure whether Delphine was my special person, in the way Sarah's friend had found hers, but she made me want to live which was more than I could say about any other person in my life. Besides, I had no idea what being in love was supposed to feel like, because I'd never felt it before in my life.
Friends had told about being in love but it had been different for each and every one of them, some had felt this need to constantly be with the person they were in love with, while yet others had been comfortable enough with the other to not need to spend every second of the day together, still others had known straight away they were going to marry their boy or girlfriend and others had needed to grow into love. All in all, falling in love was something that didn't have rules or guidelines so I just couldn't figure out whether what I was feeling, was love or just an intense friendship.
When I reached my spot I sat down on the ground in the back of the building, it was a little secure place where people usually didn't think to go, but it was easily one of the best places in the city. It had an amazing view of the city's skyline and the sundown, which was one of my favourite moments of the day. Luckily for me, the sun was on its way to move behind the horizon, leaving the sky a beautiful palette of colours, purple met pink met orange and finally blue in the far background. These were the moments I had always lived for. Perhaps I hadn't known love, but I'd seen immensely beautiful things in the world. While I watched the sun move slowly behind the horizon I poured the stolen scotch into the red Dixie cup, popped a cigarette in my mouth without lighting it and waited for the sky to turn blue and finally black.
Before that happened I heard someone call out my name. I immediately recognized the voice as Sarah's. It made me smile because I knew that she was aware of where I was but always was kind enough to announce her arrival.
"I'm here" I replied.
Sarah came to me and sat down next to me, folding her long legs so she sat comfortably without showing her undies. She was wearing a short dress. "Well hello.”
"Hi.”
"Long time no see.”
"Indeed, about twenty minutes now I'm guessing.”
"Too freaking long to go without my best friend at my own birthday party.”
I smiled and squeezed her leg. "Care for some scotch?”
Sarah nodded and held out her cup. "So, what are you doing up here?”
"Sitting, watching the sundown.”
"All right, so, want to tell me about what's going on between you and Delphine?”
I shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about.”
Sarah cocked an eyebrow at me and pulled a face. "How about you cut the crap, something is going on with you and you're suddenly spending all of your time with Delphine.”
"So what?" I barked, using my defensive tone.
"Cosima, what the fuck, why are you being defensive? Why don't you just fucking tell me what's going on instead of shutting me out all the time, it's getting kind of old you know, I'm your best friend, we've known each other our entire lives and now you're acting like this person I don't even recognize.”
Guilt bubbled up inside my stomach and flowed all the way through my body, giving me an immediate headache. I couldn't tell her about my cancer, not tonight anyway and neither could I hint at something being the matter because she would literally push me until I'd tell her the truth and then I would still ruin her evening. No one ruins someone else's birthday, not even to tell that they're dying. Probably best to stay focused on Delphine, at least that was a safer topic than cancer.
"Are you in love with Delphine?”
I shrugged again and leaned my head back against the wall behind me. "I don't know.”
"She's in love with you, you know.”
"Yeah, I figured.”
"So what are you going to do about it?”
I shrugged. "Nothing I guess.”
"What? Why? She's like the most amazing person I've ever met.”
"Then why aren't you with her?”
Sarah fumbled with the hem of her dress, her cheeks turning red, and pulled at a loose thread. "She rejected me the first night we met.”
That made me laugh. "No way, you never told me.”
"I know, I was embarrassed.”
"Serves you right to be rejected for once, you got too cocky," I grinned.
Sarah bumped her knee against mine but laughed along with me. "You officially suck as a best friend.”
"I know, I'm sorry I've been so distant.”
"Are you going to tell me why the hell you look like shit all the time.”
There was no way I was going to tell her, not tonight. A million thoughts came to mind and only one strain of thought seemed reasonable at the time. "I have Pfeiffer.”
Sarah's face turned mock-suspicious. "Who have you been kissing without telling me?”
Now it was my turn to bump my knee against my best friend's. "No one.”
"Dude, seriously, why didn't you tell? We all thought you were dying or something.”
If only she knew. "I don't know, I guess I thought it wouldn't get so bad.”
"So how bad is it?”
"Pretty bad, I sleep like sixteen to eighteen hours a day.”
"Fuck, that's insane, I take it Delphine knows.”
"Yeah, I kept falling asleep in her presence.”
Sarah grinned. "You sure you don't just find her boring?”
That made me laugh. "Delphine is definitely not boring, she's the most interesting person I've ever met in my life. She gives me so much energy.”
My best friend smiled at me. "That's good, that's the way it's supposed to be.”
"The way what is supposed to be?”
Sarah rolled her eyes at me but smiled her small-loving-smile at me. "God you're clueless sometimes, figure it out.”
For a long moment we sat in silence. “Sarah?”
"Yeah?”
"Did they really kiss?”
She shrugged. "I really don't know.”
About twenty minutes later we went back to the party where music was still playing loudly and where people were getting drunker by the minute. The moment I had climbed through the window I looked around to find Delphine, I immediately found her, standing stiffly against the wall while a woman stood leaning toward her. She was a pretty woman, tall, dark-brown hair, big eyes, full-red lips, a body to die for, dressed very femininely. This woman, who obviously had to be Haley, was basically everything I was not. My stomach again started to object and my insides twisted and turned themselves into a tight knot.
"You going over there?”
"Yes.”
"Why?”
"Got to be the bigger person and besides, what do I have to offer Delphine other than a person who is completely obsessed with work and herself. I have no experience when it comes to relationships, I don't even know what day it is most of the time, how in the world can I be with someone when my entire world has always resolved around myself. I better go over there and give them my blessing or something.”
"You will never know until you try and you know, if it's right, it's right.”
I shrugged.
"It's your life but Cosima, Delphine won't wait forever. I think you’re being a stubborn ass and a foolish one at that.”
For a long moment we stood glancing over to the corner where Delphine and Haley stood talking. "How do you even know if someone's the one? I don't even know what it's supposed to feel like to be in love.”
"What do you think being in love is supposed to feel like?”
I shrugged "don't really know, everyone says something else.”
"That's because it feels different for everyone. If it's really love you'll know.”
We watched as Haley leaned toward Delphine, leaning all over her with her tall and super-slim body, she was obviously trying to seduce her. Yet Delphine didn't lean in to kiss her, she just looked away, still standing straight and stiff, her arms behind her back, her legs folded, she appeared to be so uncomfortable it made me feel uncomfortable. Her eyes travelled through the room and met mine and her facial expression changed immensely. It transformed from icy and distant to warm and lovingly. The look on her face made the knot in my stomach disappear like it hadn’t been there in the first place. Delphine pushed herself off the wall a little, making Haley take a step back and look in my direction as well.
“Good luck,” Sarah murmured into my ear before I made my way over.
You know that situation when you walk up to someone and when you first see them they are very attractive but the closer you get the less attractive they become. This was not it. If anything, the closer I walked up to the pair, the more beautiful Haley became. It was unfair to say the least. Especially when I thought of myself looking like a cancer patient. Why in the world would Delphine want to be with me? Not that she was the kind of girl that was superficial like that, but surely I wasn’t the biggest catch in town. She could do better than my lying ass. Right there and then I made the decision to not act upon my feelings for Delphine, no matter how good it felt to be with her, she deserved more than me and my impending death.
When I approached the couple I immediately extended my hand in greeting. “Hi, you must be Haley, I am Cosima, a friend of Delphine.”
Delphine literally shuddered when I spoke the word friend.
Haley turned a pair of big, brown eyes toward me and took my hand. “Hi, yes, I’m Haley, nice to meet you.”
A British accent. Of course. Could she be any more perfect? “So, are you having fun?”
“Yes, Delphine here is good company.”
“She sure it, isn’t she?”
“Cosima,” Delphine started saying softly.
I looked at her and frowned, interrupting her before she could continue her sentence. “What?”
She shook her head slightly.
“So, I was thinking Delphine, I know we were supposed to go to that movie festival Sunday but I can’t make it, I have plans, so perhaps you can take Haley?”
Haley’s eyes brightened. “Oh, that would be amazing, I’ve been wanting to go for years, but never actually made it. Thanks,” Haley said in obvious delight. It made me want to puke. Preferably over her crazy-expensive looking dress. There was no puking during chemo-break though.
“No problem,” I almost barked.
Delphine looked at me with puppy eyes and took my hand. “Excuse us for a moment,” she said and guided me away from Haley. She looked at me with a pained expression on her face.
“I don’t want to go with her, I want to go with you.”
“Well, I can’t.”
“That’s bullshit, you’ve been looking forward to this movie festival forever. So why don’t you tell me what this is really about?”
“What do you want from me Delphine?”
“I want you to tell me what’s going on with you.”
I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant, Delphine, what do you want from me, as a person.”
She thought about that for a moment and during those few seconds her expression softened. “I want to be your friend.”
“Do you just want to be my friend or do you want more?”
“Honestly?”
“Yes.”
“I want to be with you, like really, really be with you.”
I nodded and ignored the sharp stabs of pain in my heart that felt like daggers were being twisted round and round in my chest. “I can’t give you that.”
“Why not?”
Because my second round of chemo starts on Monday and if that isn’t successful, which is very likely, my future will look even bleaker than is does right now. You should just stay away while you can, this has been going on for too long anyway. I should have let you go the moment I realized you were in love with me.
“Because I’m not that kind of person, I don’t want to date a woman or anyone for that matter, you should take Haley, get to know her, she seems like a nice person but get the idea of you and me out of your head. I don’t think we should be spending so much time together anymore so I’ll see you around.”
While I had been speaking, tears had welled up in Delphine’s eyes. She was holding on to my wrists painfully hard, it would definitely leave bruises. “You can’t do this to me, you’re in love with me too, I know you are, you’re not making any sense. Please Cosima, don’t do this to me. I don’t want Haley, I want you. Don’t do this.”
Frustration and anger welled up deep inside me, not because of what she said but because I knew I was hurting her and thought it was the last thing I wanted to do on this entire planet. Still, it was better than the prospect of her losing me because of the cancer thing. If we would actually get together, we would grow ever so much closer, she’d have to go through the difficult process of me being treated for leukaemia with chemo, then through the process of me dying and finally, I would die. If I really died, which was the most likely prospect at the moment, she would have to live with that for the rest of her life, but even if I didn’t die, the chance of me relapsing was so immense, the fear we’d constantly live in and for what. For her to be hurt even more in a couple of years because eventually I’d still die.
It kind of felt like a situation from the movies, when someone breaks up with their boyfriend but more often girlfriend, because the heartbreaker feels like he is not good enough for his girlfriend or because he feels like she deserves more. Or even because, and in this case it’s often the girl breaking up with the boy, because her parents feel like the boyfriend isn’t good enough for their daughter and for her to end the relationship or summer romance. Am I still making sense? In the ‘A walk to remember’ sense, which is more applicable to my current situation, the girl tells the boy beforehand not to fall in love with her, she doesn’t give a reason, but obviously he falls for her and in the end she dies.
Sorry total spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the movie, but you know, at least the boy in the movie, there’s also a book and obviously it’s better than the movie, but the boy becomes a better person in the end. Now that doesn’t apply to my situation, Delphine is already a well-rounded individual, she’s a good person that has so much to offer, she doesn’t need me to show her life is beautiful after all, she already knows that. There’s just nothing I can offer her but pain and grief and I like her too much to give that to her, I’d rather live in pain for another couple of months or years without her, which means sparing her pain, than pull her into my mess of a life and be the cause of her hurting for the rest of her life.
I pulled away my fists and shook my head. “I’m not in love with you Delphine, I don’t want to end up with you, go on your date Sunday and forget about me, that would make me very happy.”
“And what about my happiness?” Delphine practically yelled, people were starting to pay attention to us, especially Sarah, Felix and Haley. They stood staring at us with their mouth agape, confused looks in their eyes for various reasons probably.
I took a step toward Delphine, kissed her on the cheek, inhaled her scent for the last time, closed my eyes and sighed deeply. “I don’t care about your happiness.”