EIGHT
The rain had been pouring from the sky ever since the moment I had woken up and for a long time I just lay on my couch, staring out of the window, watching the enormous amounts of water stream down and pool in the alley next to my house. It had been raining all night and day since getting home from the party and it kind of complemented my poor mood. A day, it had been only been a day but it felt like it had been a week since that party.
Delphine had called me over a dozen times already, she’d stood at my door at least three times, I’d deleted over ten long and painful messages, five equally hurtful voicemails that had made me cry for hours. At a certain point it had become so painful that I had asked my mother to come pick me up, so I could stay at my their place for the night. It had been a relief, to be picked up by my mother, to leave my phone behind so the battery would die and no one would know where I was.
I had been on edge the entire weekend. My mother had regularly asked me what was going on and I had repeatedly answered ‘nothing’. My father thought it was the start of my second round of chemo and gently asked my mother to back off. At a certain point they just stopped asking and let me be. My mother had picked me up somewhere after noon and I’d spent the day in bed until the next day. Sunday I asked to be taken back home, which obviously wasn’t practical because my mom would have to come into town to pick me up the next morning, but I told my mother I wanted to spend at least one day at home before I had to remain in the hospital for another four long weeks.
I was not looking forward to it for obvious reasons. The thought of puking my guts out again and again during the two week during and after chemo was not to be enjoyed. After the puking came the emotional outbursts, during which I cried most of the day until the outburst ended and I just felt empty and hollow, not even the least bit like myself. My thoughts then became blurred and made no longer made sense anymore. When I looked in the hospital mirror (with terrible lighting) I saw someone who vaguely resembled me but wasn’t me, it was unsettling and exhausting. I often tried to avoid looking in the mirror, especially on those days, because the sight of myself only made me want to die, on the spot preferable. Unfortunately I still didn’t have the power to stop my own heart.
When my doctor had one day mentioned relapsing and starting another course of treatment in case the first one wouldn’t take, my mother had immediately hit the table with her fist and exclaimed I would do whatever it took to get better. Over the past weeks I had come to the realization that I would do anything it took not to start another round of chemo, even if that meant dying. Obviously I hadn’t told my mother because she would personally stick the needle in my body if she needed to but the thought had come to mind more and more often of late.
I would only voice those thoughts once my doctors concluded my second round of chemo hadn’t worked and that was still a good ways off, four weeks. Chemo during round two would again exist of ten days of chemo, during which the same unpronounceable poison would flow abundantly through my weakened veins. During those lovely days I would be in bed all day long, which was good, because I’d gone over to the oncology-chemo-therapy-floor and had seen the people there. I wasn’t allowed to have chemo there because the possibility for me to get infections became infinitely worse if around other people. So I was practically quarantined for about a month.
So anyway, when I had visited the oncology department everywhere I had looked (okay, that is not true) people would sit in comfortable recliners, blankets wrapped around their emaciated bodies, young and old, black and white, men and women. Cancer didn’t discriminate, cancer didn’t care whether your life was amazing or worth shit, whether you had health care or not. It was a demon that taunted you until you fought hard enough to live or just gave up because you could no longer hold on to the beautiful things in life or simply because you just didn’t care enough to hold on. In the end cancer was a master that decided over your fate, whether you wanted it or not.
With Delphine out of my life, the little resolve to live I’d mustered since meeting her, had dissipated abruptly the moment I had decided to let her go. Life without her just somehow didn’t really make any sense so what was the point in staying alive. My doctor would probably kill me would I ever dare to say such a thing out loud, my mom would probably beat doctor B. to it though.
My phone ringing brought me out of my train of thoughts and into reality. When I looked at the screen I saw my best friend's smiling face popping up. Why would Sarah be calling me?
"Hello," I picked up.
"Cosima, don't hang up but I've got to talk to you about Delphine.”
I shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "About what?”
"Well, your crappy behaviour for starters.”
"What do you want me to say?”
"Why in the world you'd push her away like you did, she's been a wreck all weekend.”
A pang of guilt worked its way through my stomach. "Has she been with you?”
"Yes, she's been staying with me most of the time, except when she tried to get you to open your fucking door, what's wrong with you.”
"I wasn't home.”
Sarah laughed scornfully. She knew very well that I didn’t have a lot of places to go. So her next question was expected. "Where the hell did you go?”
"My parents' place.”
"Why? You hate it there.”
I might have hated staying there in the past, but obviously things had changed. Not that I would tell that to Sarah. "Because she stood at my doorstep all weekend.”
"You could have just talked to her.”
I shrugged to myself and laid back down on the couch, looking outside, seeing the rain still hadn't let up one bit. It was raining cats and dogs, exactly the way I liked it.
"You have to talk to her.”
"Is she there with you, is that why you're calling, so we can talk?" I said, my voice dripping with accusation.
"No, she left about an hour ago, to go on a date you made her go on.”
She still went on that date with Haley, I suddenly felt like crying, but fought back the tears desperately, this had been my plan, I had wanted her to go. 'Suck it up'. I looked at the clock and saw it was almost four, that meant the first movie of the festival was about to start. La vie d'Adele, a movie I'd desperately wanted to see because I'd heard crazy good stories about it. A shame that I wouldn't be able to see it on the big screen.
Someone knocked on my front door, making me sit back up again. "Is that you Sarah, seriously, I'm not in the mood for company.”
"Just open the fucking door," she said and hung up the phone.
A low growl escaped my throat as I got off the couch and headed over to the front door, opening it with the words. "You're a bitch.”
"Well, so are you?" someone with a French accent replied.
"Delphine, sorry, I thought you'd be Sarah.”
The realization suddenly hit me, they'd obviously had thought of this plan together, for Sarah to call me so she could pretend to be standing on my doorstep, so I'd actually open my door. Devious people these days.
I looked at Delphine, who, for the first time in her life, looked like shit. Dark circles had formed around her eyes, she was dripping-wet with the rain, her usually, springy hair now stuck to her face in thick strands. The little make-up she usually wore was running a little. Her jeans were soaked through all the way and her jacket didn't look exactly waterproof. The look on her face was sad all the way, which made me feel guilty as hell. I didn't want to see her hurt in any way.
While pulling the door a little more open, I took a step back, inviting her in. "Let me get you a towel and a dry set of clothes.”
I spun on my heels and headed over to my bedroom where I got a towel, a pair of sweatpants, a sweater, some socks and a pair of boxer shorts. When I returned Delphine had kicked off her shoes and shrugged off her jacket. I took it from her and handed her the pile I'd been holding.
"Go to the bathroom, you can hang the rest of your clothes there to dry.”
Delphine nodded and I watched her walk awkwardly toward my bedroom, through which she'd have to go in order to reach my bathroom. I hung her wet jacket over a chair in my work area and went about the task of making tea.
When Delphine finally emerged from my bedroom again, she looked better and at least a little dryer, except for her hair which did look springy again but it was still wet. I'd gone back to sit on the couch with two mugs of streaming-hot tea and waited for her to sit down next to me.
"You're supposed to be watching La Vie d'Adele.”
"Have you seen the weather? Besides, I'm not letting you pimp me out on some date I don't want to go on," Delphine said, frowning a little at me while she picked her usual flavour of tea, vanilla.
I bit my lip and looked away from the scrutinizing look she gave me, focussing on my tea, letting the bag bounce up and down to give off more flavour.
"You really are a bitch, you know that right?”
"Yes," I said admittedly.
"Why would you do that to me?”
"Felix said...”
"Fuck what Felix said, he just tried to get a raise out of you and it worked.”
I looked up from my tea and pulled a face. "What are you talking about?”
"Wow, you really are clueless sometimes.”
That seemed to be the best way to describe me, for my friends at least, clueless. It was starting to become a theme. "Why?”
"All right, so you know Shay, right? Your friend, his best friend?”
“Yes,” I replied cautiously, unsure where this was going.
“Shay is in love with you, she's even told me, she's in love with you, has been for years. Felix knows this and has been trying to push you two together.”
"But she's never said anything.”
"Would it have changed anything?”
"No.”
"Exactly, she knows that. But anyway, Felix noticed how we were getting close and thought this was the perfect move to push us further apart so there’d be room for the two of you.”
Suddenly I started laughing, Shay being in love with me was probably the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. I believed Dephine's words, but I'd never even flirted with Shay, I wasn't even sure whether I actually liked her as a person. Delphine looked up at me in surprise.
"Why are you laughing?”
"Because her being in love with me is ridiculous, we've seriously never even really talked or anything, she doesn't know me at all. She’s not my friend, she’s more of an acquaintance.”
"Sometimes you don't have to know someone through and through before you know you're in love with them," she said meaningfully. She looked at me cautiously, as if waiting for my reaction.
"I know what you mean.”
For a long moment we looked at each other. I didn't know Delphine that well, yet I was in love with her and I knew she was in love with me. We'd been in each other's lives for only a short few weeks but that didn't mean I didn't know how amazing she was. That didn't change the fact that my heart started racing the moment I saw her, that my heart skipped a beat and longed for her to put her lips on mine whenever she bit her lip sensually.
"Anyway, maybe she's in love with the idea of you.”
"And what does that mean.”
"Well, you're attractive, you're strong and proud yet mysterious, you never seem to give all of yourself, some people are into that.”
I gave another shrug. "It's still retarded.”
Delphine smiled and sipped from her tea, then her smile faded.
"What is it?” I asked gently.
"You hurt me Cosima, you hurt me badly and I don't understand why. Well, that's not true, I think I understand but I'd like you to explain it to me. Know that I am here for you, I will not leave, not ever, I am here and I am yours.”
A big part of me wanted to tell her, to have an ally in my battle, someone to tell me everything would be all right, someone to love me through it all, someone to hold me at night when otherwise I would cry myself to sleep. I wanted more than anything for that person to be Delphine, she was everything I wanted. The entire world could end for that matter, as long as I could spend my last time with her. It was a strange realization but not one that hadn't been on its way.
Looking back, which is easy to say I know, it was obvious to me that I'd fallen for Delphine the moment she bumped into me at the Starbucks, still, everything had been falling apart around me and I had not wanted to pull her into my destructive existence. In the end though, was it really my choice? She'd said she'd never leave. That had to mean something right? Perhaps telling her would be the biggest mistake I ever made, perhaps she would break her promise and leave but at least I would have been honest with her and she would have made her own decision, not me. Her leaving out of her own accord, because she couldn't handle my situation, was better than me forcing her to stay away, never knowing what might have happened. It was the not knowing that made me feel so afraid of losing her. There was still, after all, the possibility that she might stay.
Right then I made another silent promise to Delphine. My second promise in what, two days? Three? I wanted to shake my head at myself. I’d stick to this one. I would tell her, she deserved that. Still, the selfish side of me just needed her at least another day around. I didn't know how to tell her or even what to tell her but I would. Tomorrow, before the chemo started once more, I would tell her, she had the right to know.
It felt like a heavy burden had just fallen off my shoulders. It was the right thing to do. Being selfish hadn't made anything better, it had led to us both having a horrible and lonely weekend. If she would leave, I'd probably have a lot of horrible months while she would probably had a couple of shitty weeks. Still, it would have been her decision, not mine and in the end, that was all that mattered. Somehow. For some reason.
"Would it be all right if I promise to explain everything tonight or even tomorrow?”
Delphine bit her lip in thought. "I guess that would be all right, but why not just tell me now?”
Because I’d like to pretend everything is all right, if only for a day. "Because I’d like to enjoy the rest of the weekend.”
"It’s that bad oui?”
"Nah, it’s all right," I lied.
Delphine looked at me skeptically, but apparently decided to let it go for she said nothing. "So, is there anything in particular you would like to do on this beautiful and sunny day?" she asked in a fake cheerful voice.
I turned my head toward the window, it was still raining. “Let me think about that.”
After a while I decided to lie down, my head in Delphine’s lap. She automatically started stroking my upper arm.
"Too bad you don’t have a garden, I love sitting outside, under a .. what do you call it, a shelter of some sort.”
"You mean like a roof or an overhang of some sort.”
"Oui, I guess. I just love sitting outside and watch it rain.”
I grinned, then suddenly sat up. I had the perfect plan. "Grab your tea," I said and pushed myself off the couch, picking up my couch blanket as I went.
Delphine looked up at me with sparkling eyes. "Where are we going?”
"Wait and find out, put your hood over your head, we’re going out, and maybe you should put on a jacket as well.”
We both put on our jackets and Delphine followed me to the front door, we went outside and walked to the back of the building, trying to stick to the shelter of the walls to remain dry. Once at the back I told Delphine to close her eyes and not peek. I wrapped the blanket around me and took her hand in mine after unlocking the iron-clad door in front of us, the mug of tea in my other hand.
As usual it was stuck so I had to pull hard, it also creaked loudly when it opened and once again I reminded myself ask Dizzy, the neighbor, to take a look at it. Perhaps it just needed to be greased.
I led Delphine to the stairway that lead up to the roof, pausing before the first step. "Watch your step here, we're going up the stairs.”
Delphine carefully stepped onto the stairs and started climbing after me, still holding my hand. When halfway up the stairs she asked me just how high the stairway was.
"It's forty-three steps, we're about halfway, I'll tell you when we're there.”
"This is scary, don't let me fall.”
"Never.”
Finally we arrived on the roof of the old fire station, I guided Delphine to the part of the roof that was covered by a large tarp, one that had been hung there last summer in case we wanted a little bit of shadow while sunbathing, not it would do as a roof, protecting us from the rain. "We're here, open your eyes.”
Delphine opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times, she looked about, excitement in her eyes that had grown big, like a child's on Christmas morning. She put her mug of tea down on the table and started walking around on the roof, my gaze followed her every move. With a smile on her face she pulled down the hood of her jacket, she leaned her head back to face the sky, her eyes were closed, she threw her hands up in the air.
"Join me," she said to me.
"No way, it's raining.”
"Join me," she said again, yelling now.
"No," I yelled back.
Delphine dropped her arms and threw a fake-angry look at me. "Do I need to come get you?”
"Try me," I winked.
She came running at me and there was no way I was fast enough to dodge her, she threw her arms around me and lifted me off the ground, carrying me into the rain where she put me down but continued to hold me tight into her arms. She looked into my eyes and smiled a smile so pure and beautiful it warmed my soul. There was no other way to describe the look on her face as perfectly happy and that in turn made me feel happy as well.
Then she threw her head back again and faced the rain, I watched the drops of water splash onto her flawless skin, thick drops of water clung to her hair, to her eyebrows and eyelashes. She had never looked more pure than in that exact moment, not wearing any make-up and with a boyish grin on her face that made her look years younger.
I wanted to kiss her, so badly it made every muscle in my body ache with longing. I didn’t act on the feeling, afraid to spoil the moment. So I just stood there and watched her enjoy the rain for several minutes, feeling the drops of rain soak through my jacket and sweatpants, even through my sneakers. Though I knew it wasn't very smart to be standing out here in the rain, getting more soaked by the minute, I found myself unable to move away. It felt like there was a spell spun around us and if I'd step away I would break it and the world would become a less beautiful place. Something inside me told me to close my eyes and to face the sky, just like Delphine, so I did.
Delphine's perfume filled my nose and my head started spinning, which made me glad she was still holding me tight. I felt every drop of rain fall on my face, I felt her body against mine, her contours, so feminine yet perfectly shaped. Her hands moved from my lower back all the way up to my face, she cupped my cheeks with both hands and pulled my head down. I opened my eyes and found Delphine's face only inches away from mine, her pupils were large and I could hear her breathing had quickened. She glanced at my lips and I knew she wanted to kiss me.
Hell, I wanted her to kiss me, but if we went there now, it wouldn't be fair. If finally she kissed me, she had to know what she was getting herself into, I had to tell her before I allowed her to put her lips on mine. The selfish side of me told me to just go for it, to just kiss her, because 'that is what you want anyway'. Yet the part of me that was in love with Delphine wanted her to wait until she knew and if then, she still wanted to kiss me, she could. Not when she was still in the unknown.
Even so, I found myself doing something I normally wouldn't have. I leaned in a little bit and kissed her soft lips once. It wasn't long enough to be considered a real kiss, it was just our lips gently brushing against each other, but it was enough to provoke a deep, burning sensation in my stomach. My head started swimming again, the good kind that made you feel just a little tipsy. If that was my reaction to just a tiny kiss, I wondered what a full-one-with-tongue-kiss would be like. Perhaps I'd faint. At least I could blame my cancer if that happened.
Delphine looked at me in wonder and there was so much love in her eyes that it scared me a little. How in the world could I hurt this woman so badly if I ever left this world. I'd say, how could I live with myself but I guess that wouldn't be the case, still, the thought of leaving her behind while I left my body for the sky, it literally made my skin crawl.
Her thumb brushed my lower lip, soft and light as a feather. "I’m in love with you Cosima Niehaus," she murmured.
I found myself murmuring back the words. "I’m in love with you too.”