Sprinkles
In true Pacific Northwest fashion, small water droplets drizzle down upon the crowds of college students as they commute to class and bustle around the campus. This is no strange occurrence to the campus community as it has been stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of precipitation for a little over a week now. Whether it be a light shower or a vicious storm, everyday has been overcast and dreary. However, among the crowd of soggy and miserable students, two young rays of sunshine don’t seem to be bothered by the weather at all.
Christen and Tobin exit through the large doors of Hingst Hall and descend the concrete steps outside of the commanding academic building. Christen’s red rain boots squeak down the steps as Tobin’s orange Nike flip flops slosh along beside them. Within the sea of black, gray, and darker hues, Christen and Tobin stand out from the rest, exuberating a certain brightness lacking from their environment. It’s as if they’re in their own separate world from everyone else. A world where rain isn’t a nuisance and gray clouds are just a part of the sky. A world the two of them have visited quite frequently as of late.
“So yours or mine today?” Christen asks once she and Tobin are finally free of the streams of students walking to and from Hingst Hall.
“Yours” Tobin answers as she adjusts the strap of her backpack hanging from her right shoulder. “I forgot mine.”
“Of course you did” Christen sighs while she reaches to the side of her bag and unhooks the red umbrella dangling from it. “It’s only been raining nonstop for the past week, how could you have ever predicted that it would rain today?”
“Well maybe I just like yours better, ever think of that?” Tobin smirks as Christen pushes open the umbrella and settles it above both of their heads. Tobin moves closer to Christen so more of her body is sheltered from the rain. Christen and Tobin continue to walk forward, shoulder-to-shoulder and through the intersection of two converging walking paths. “Plus it matches your boots, doesn’t that make you feel more stylish or something?”
“Ah yes” Christen airily agrees, “Rain boots and an umbrella. I couldn’t possibly be any more stylish with accessories like these. I hear clunky and squeaky are all the rage in Milan right now.”
“See? Tyra Banks would be so proud of you” Tobin plays along with Christen’s now regular streak of sarcasm. “I can see it now. Christen Press: spokesperson and official face of clunky and squeaky rain boots. You’ll be famous in no time.”
“I’m sure my mom would be thrilled about that” Christen deadpans, though a subtle smirk gradually appears at her lips.
“I’ll convince her, she’ll listen to me” Tobin confidently proclaims.
“Oh yeah, how can you be so sure?” Christen asks, intrigued, but not surprised in the slightest by Tobin’s inherent cockiness.
“Well for one” Tobin begins with an exhale, “Your mom loves me. And for two – ”
“For two? Is that even an expression?” Christen interrupts, earning a side eye glare from Tobin.
“It is now” Tobin declares, “Can I finish making my point, or would you like to criticize me some more?”
“Well it is tempting, but you can finish” Christen nods, amused by Tobin’s minor frustration but still wanting to hear the rest of her neighbor’s point. “For two…”
“For two” Tobin begins again, playfully narrowing her eyes at Christen, “You look really cute in those boots, it would be impossible for your mom to disagree with that.”
Christen’s smile widens a little and she directs her gaze to the ground to make her blushing cheeks marginally less obvious. Sure Tobin’s complemented her before, which has been continuing to happen a lot lately, but she still can’t help the way she reacts every time it happens. It’s like her mind knows that it’s just something that Tobin does, but her body is never on the same page. The butterflies in her stomach and the fire in her cheeks never seem to cease, no matter how hard Christen tries to contain them. In fact, it always seem like the more she tries, the worse it gets. By now, Christen figured she’d be used to these sensations, but they remain to feel foreign and exhilarating. And in this moment, no matter how hard she wills it to go away, Tobin’s voice muttering the word “cute” echoes in her brain. You’re just friends, Christen. You’re just –
As the two walk beneath a large, leafy tree, the drops of water falling from the branches land heavier on the umbrella. Tobin’s left hand slips from the pocket of her sweatpants and reaches to clasp Christen’s right hand. It’s nothing unfamiliar, something the two have been doing on days where the rain is particularly heavy and the threat of a storm looms, but today isn’t one of those days, so Christen is slightly confused.
“Tobin, I’m ok, it isn’t raining very hard” Christen points out, reassuring Tobin that her storm anxiety isn’t getting the best of her today.
“It doesn’t hurt to be safe, right?” Tobin smiles tenderly as her fingers curl tighter around Christen’s hand. Her heart flutters as she looks into Tobin’s sincere brown eyes. Even on a cold and rainy day, they look warm and inviting. Safe.
“There doesn’t have to be thunder for this thunder shirt to work” Tobin adds, keeping her eyes connected with Christen’s, “I can be multipurpose.” Shivers run up Christen’s spine for a moment before she’s forced to tear her eyes away from Tobin. However, even though she averts her gaze from one Tobin, her eyes immediately land on another.
“Hey!” Christen chimes, shedding her moment of shyness, “Look, it’s you!” Christen eagerly points to a poster of Tobin in her soccer uniform featured prominently on one of the display boards of the main mall. Christen excitedly turns to Tobin, only to find that she seems less excited about the poster than Christen thought she would be. “What? Why are you all shy all of a sudden? Are you embarrassed or something?” Christen teases as she bumps Tobin’s shoulder in an attempt to lift her spirits.
“Well, a little” Tobin sheepishly admits. Christen’s enthusiasm turns to concern. Why would she be embarrassed about this? Did something happen?
“Why? What’s up?” Christen asks, her tone more serious than moments before.
“Well…” Tobin exhales slowly and uses her free hand to rub the back of her neck. “Well…It’s, It’s just…”
“Tobin” Christen encourages solemnly as she squeezes Tobin’s hand in hers, “What’s wrong?” Tobin stops abruptly and pouts at the poster.
“They used my bad side.”
Christen’s eyebrows raise and she wears a less-than-impressed expression. Without saying a word, she promptly drops Tobin’s hand and continues walking forward, leaving the midfielder out in the rain. Please, like she even has a bad side. Chuckling, Tobin jogs up from behind and takes her place walking at Christen’s side once more.
“Hey” Tobin reprimands as she reaches for Christen’s hand again, “Who said you could let go?” Christen tries to pull her hand away, but Tobin’s reflexes are too fast and she’s adamant not to let Christen escape her grasp again.
“Who said you could come back under the umbrella?” Christen quips, struggling to maintain her stern demeanor. “As far as I’m concerned, only people to who don’t try to manipulate their friends for the sake of their own twisted entertainment deserve to be sheltered from the rain.”
“Well in that case, you shouldn’t be under here either” Tobin declares matter-of-factly. Christen quirks an eyebrow and shoots Tobin a confused expression. What could she possibly mean by that?
“Oh don’t try and act all innocent Miss ‘pretend to be my girlfriend to scare Cassie away’” Tobin demands, giving Christen a challenging look.
“What?” Christen exclaims, “You cannot seriously compare this with that. I did that to save you, you did this just to mess with me.”
“Oh really?” Tobin laughs, “You’re telling me that you didn’t enjoy the sight of me not knowing what the hell was going on as you were draping yourself all over me?” Christen remains silent for a moment as she contemplates how to respond.
“I’m not saying that” is all she can manage. Tobin gives Christen a knowing look.
“Mmm hmm, sure, these two things are totally different. My mistake” Tobin exaggerates.
“I’m glad you see it my way” Christen lightly shrugs as Tobin shakes her head in disbelief.
“You really are something else, you know that?” Tobin comments as Christen leads the two of them past the Jefferson building. Tobin looks between Christen and the passing academic hall. “Hey, don’t you have Freshman Seminar next?” Tobin questions, taking notice of Christen’s usual next destination.
“Actually, no” Christen replies, contently passing the building, “My professor canceled class. Something about her basement flooding or some other thing like that. It’s a bummer for her, but a good thing for you because now you get the privilege of walking me back to the dorm.”
“And I’m the arrogant one?” Tobin teases as Christen chuckles from her side. “Actually I hate to break it to you, but I have to head off to practice in a few minutes.”
“Really? In this weather?” Christen asks, more than a hint of disappointment laced in her voice. Tobin shrugs.
“The fields are the best they’ve been all week, so coach wants to take advantage of that” Tobin explains almost remorsefully. “Rain or shine, soccer waits for no one.” Christen nods. She isn’t happy about it, but she understands.
“So how soon do you have to leave?” Christen questions, seeming a bit smaller than she was earlier when she and Tobin were just joking around.
“Soon” Tobin mutters distractedly as her eyes focus on something in the road ahead. “There’s Kling’s car right now.” Christen follows Tobin’s gaze and sure enough, there’s Kling’s Kia Soul with its subwoofers blasting on high. Kling rolls down her window and gestures for Tobin to hurry up and get to the car. Tobin turns back to Christen.
“That’s my ride. I’ll catch you later?” Tobin tentatively asks. Christen looks up to the clouds above and notices that they seem to have darkened since she left Hingst Hall.
“Yeah” Christen agrees, “Later.” Tobin nods and pulls her hood over her head to prepare to enter the rain. However, just before she steps a foot out from under the umbrella, Christen pulls her back. As soon as Tobin is facing her direction again, Christen leans forward and places a kiss on the midfielder’s cheek.
“Don’t twist an ankle out on that soggy pitch” Christen informs with a smile. Tobin returns an even brighter smile of her own before she leans over and kisses Christen’s cheek as well.
“Don’t drown in a puddle on your way back to the dorm” Tobin returns. They smile at each other before the abrasive sound of Kling’s horn shatters the moment. “I should go. Bye, Chris”
“Bye, Tobs.”
Tobin turns back to Kling and splashes through various puddles as she darts to the car. Some of which she probably could have avoided, but as with everything with Tobin, she makes a show out of it. Once she’s in the passenger seat, Tobin waves to Christen, and Christen twirls her umbrella in return.
When the car disappears further down the street and the thumping base of Kling’s speakers grow distant, Christen resumes her venture back to the dorm, all the while thinking of her and Tobin’s exchange of good luck kisses over the past week. They started doing it at the game versus Lyon Tech, and they haven’t stopped since. The first few times, Tobin had to ask. Now, the two find themselves doing it more and more, almost instinctively. Whether it be before a game, a big test, or an errand run with Kelley, they give each other a good luck kiss. It’s all friendly Christen tells herself, It’s just because we’re close friends. But despite her constant self-reassurance of the nature of her and Tobin’s relationship, Christen doesn’t let herself think any further as to what an alternative to all of this could be.
She doesn’t trust herself to.
Christen sits alone on her bed as she clutches her phone and intensely focuses on the images flashing across the screen of the small television in her room. She reaches for the remote and turns up the TV volume a few clicks more in an attempt to further drown the sound of approaching thunder in the distant sky. It’s been four hours since she got done with class for the day, and in the absence of all of her friends, she’s spent the majority of it in her room, trying to distract herself from the worsening weather conditions. It’s one thing that she has to be alone as the clouds outside grow more and more menacing by the second, and another to think that her friends are somewhere out in the middle of it all, vulnerable to the extremely powerful forces of nature. Between compelling herself to focus on the ground-breaking absorptive capabilities of the ShamWow™ and checking her phone every 2.7 seconds, Christen desperately tries to take her mind of off the storm. However, with every second that passes without a text or some sort of confirmation from her friends that they are alright and safe from the storm, Christen’s anxiety grows. What if something happened at practice? What if they all got caught up in the weather? That wind is pretty strong, it could really do some damage if it can pick up debris. Are they all in shelter somewhere? Why hasn’t anyone texted me back? Wait, Kling drove with Tobin. The roads can’t be that great right now. Christen winces. What if they…
Christen’s eyes start to water and she quickly shakes her head. Snap out of it, Christen. Don’t go to that place. They’re probably fine, they’re all probably safe and you’re just over –
An unexpected bolt of lightning illuminates room 318, a gargantuan crack of thunder follows. Christen jolts and quickly covers her face with her hands, shielding herself as best as she can from the threat. She breathes heavily and attempts to calm herself. Just steady your breathing, Christen. Calm down and think good thoughts.
Without any conscious control, Christen’s mind goes to that night when Tobin first came over to help Christen get through a storm. She remembers how terrified and embarrassed she was, but also how Tobin seemed to easily take her out of that. How Tobin offered her what seemed like impossible salvation, without asking for anything in return. How soothing Tobin’s touch was, and how at ease she felt cuddled up to Tobin’s side. Although that stormy night caused Christen much distress and emotional strain, in truth it is one of Christen’s favorite memories with Tobin. Possibly one of her favorite memories ever. And now, even in her neighbor’s absence, she feels the memory calming her yet again.
Christen’s breaths steady out as she slowly brings her hands away from her face. Not a moment later, there’s a knock on the doorframe. Christen looks up, relieved to no longer be alone, though slightly disappointed that it isn’t the person she was expecting.
“Hey Christen, fourth day in a row that your door is open. Nice job, you and Kelley are gaining on the leaders” Becky informs as she pulls the cap from her pen and signs the ‘open door chart’ on the front of Christen’s door. The floor recently decided to start an open door competition and bragging rights have been on the line. At random times during the day, Becky walks through the hall and signs off on any doors that may be open. Even in her current anxiety ridden state, Christen will be damned if she lets the reigning champs, Tobin and Kling, walk away with victory again. It’s the principle of the matter.
“Yeah, looks like it” Christen croaks out, unaware of the rasp in her voice until after she’s spoken. Becky inspects Christen a little closer now from her position in the doorway, glancing from Christen’s puffy eyes to her sniffling nose.
“Are you alright?” Becky asks softly, obviously concerned but trying not to be invasive. Christen clears her throat.
“Yeah, I’m fine” she clarifies, “Just a little…” Christen glances from Becky to the window. “Under the weather.”
“You sure? I can make some calls to the health center if you want” Becky offers, still in-tune to Christen’s seemingly fragile state. Just then, a rabble of voices appears at the end of the corridor. Even though Christen can’t make out any words, she knows exactly who those voices belong to. Without fully registering it, Christen’s demeanor shifts from sullen to anticipative.
“I’m sure” Christen nods, spirits lifting as she hears the voices grow nearer, “I’ll get through it.”
“Alright, well, I’m just a few doors down if you need me” Becky reminds, though seemingly more comfortable leaving Christen be now than she was moments before. “Have a good night, Christen.”
“Thanks, Becky, you too” Christen returns as Becky smiles conclusively and disappears back into the hallway. As expected whenever a floor competition is underway, many voices meet her as she emerges from room 318.
“Is that Becky?”
“No wait, Becky come back!”
“Becky, Becky look! My door’s open now! Becky LOOK!”
“Sorry, it’s too late.”
“Come on, Becky, why you gotta be like that?”
“Becky, over here, my door is open. I’m your favorite, that has to count for something!”
“I’ll give you five dollars right now to sign this chart.”
“What? You can’t bribe Becky, she can’t be bought!”
“Um, Becky can speak for herself. I’ll raise my offer to ten dollars.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Sorry guys, I don’t make the rules.”
“Aw come on, we had practice, that’s not fair!”
“Wait, what do you mean you don’t make the rules? You’re the RA!”
“Well I think it’s fair.”
“Of course YOU do, O’Hara. You’re roommate is in your room!”
“You’re just jealous that my roommate is better than yours.”
“Have a good night, ladies.”
“Becky noooo! Come baaaack!”
Christen hears a door click shut and the sound of heavy feet resume trudging down the hallway. Christen chuckles to herself as she hears the grumbling grow nearer.
“I can’t believe you tried to bribe her, Sarah.”
“I can’t believe you thought you’re her favorite, Ali.”
“I can’t believe either of you.”
“Look at me, I’m Alex, I’m all high and mighty because I got new pre-wrap today”
“Watch it there, Apple”
“Whatever you say, baby horse.”
A very damp version of Kling shows up in front of her door and pulls her keys from her duffle bag. Would you look at that, they actually locked their door this time. Before opening her door, Kling turns toward Christen’s direction.
“Don’t think that just because you were able to cheat and get that extra signature from Becky means that you and O’Hara are gonna win this thing. There’s still plenty of time. I’ve got my eyes on you, Press.” Kling teasingly warns as she playfully narrows her eyes at Christen.
“Hey, be nice Kling! She earned that signature fair and square!” Alex calls from down the hallway.
“Thanks, Alex!” Christen laughs back as Kling shakes her head.
“You’re welcome, boo!” Alex’s voice sings in return. Kling mouths one last ‘eyes on you’ before turning the doorknob and entering her room. Christen cranes her neck to see if a certain someone might be close behind Kling, but the only person who appears is Kelley. Christen didn’t realize it as it was happening, but over the past few moments she’s gradually leaned over her bed to the point that one small slip could send her over the edge. Kelley shoots her an amused look.
“What? Expecting someone?” she prods humoredly as Christen shyly settles in her bed once again.
“Only my roommate” Christen lies as Kelley sets down her duffle bag and closes the door, much too early for Christen’s liking. Christen checks her phone screen again just to find that she has no new messages. A feeling a disappointment washes over her. When Christen looks up again, she finds Kelley carefully watching her.
“Missed you too, roomie” Kelley comments as her eyes harbor a knowing glint.
“Ok, yeah, that’s the last time I ever ask you anything.” Christen grimaces as she squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head in disgust.
“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to know how I got mud in my – ”
“Nope! For the love of god don’t say it again.” Christen abruptly dismisses as she covers her ears with a new sense of precaution.
“If you weren’t prepared for the answer, then you shouldn’t have asked the question” Kelley shrugs as she sprays some perfume onto her now mud-free body.
“I’ll make a mental note” Christen declares as she draws her hands from her ears. She checks her phone again. Still nothing. Where is –
For what feels like the hundredth time tonight, the outside sky explodes in all of its static electrical glory. Kelley hurries to the window, wide-eyed and in awe.
“Isn’t that just amazing?” She gushes, “Storms are so fucking cool!” Christen squirms in her spot as she wills her racing heart to settle down once again.
“They’re definitely…something” She utters in a miniscule voice.
“So fucking cool…” Kelley echoes again as more lightning radiates in the far off clouds. She remains in her own state of amusement until a knock sounds at the door. “Come in!” Kelley yells, not wanting to bother walking all the way across the smallish dorm room to open the door. The doorknob twists and soon Tobin is standing in the doorway.
“Hey, Kelley” Tobin greets, then her eyes trail over to the opposite side of the room, “Christen.”
“And now our third roommate is here” Kelley teases as she finally breaks her gaze from the thrilling storm outside, “I knew it was only a matter of time before you showed up. Seriously, you’re over here so much that I’m just waiting for the day that drag your mattress across the hall.”
“Nah, I think I’d just share with Christen” Tobin boldly states, not letting Kelley’s comment affect her in the slightest. Christen, on the other hand, looks like she’s just eaten a ghost pepper.
“Honestly, don’t you ever have anywhere better to be?” Kelley continues, accepting the challenge, “Doesn’t Kling miss you?”
“Fine” Tobin shrugs, taking a step back, “I’ll just take my cupcakes and go somewhere I’m appreciated.” As Tobin turns around, she reveals the pink cupcake box she’s been hiding behind her back. She takes one step into the hallway before Kelley stops her.
“Wait, wait, wait” Kelley rushes as Tobin turns around, a mischievous smirk on her face. “Tobin! Of course I’m happy to see you! You’re welcome any time! Come in, come in!”
“Are you sure?” Tobin questions as Kelley attempts to guide Tobin back into the room, while simultaneously trying to reach for the box in Tobin’s hand. “I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“What? No, you could never!” Kelley exclaims as she, at this point, is eagerly tugging Tobin forward by the arm. Tobin has her feet planted as Kelley struggles to pull her in. In desperation, Kelley looks back and forth between Tobin and Christen before an imaginary lightbulb turns on above her head. “I’ll let you sit by Christen if you come in” Kelley offers through gritted teeth as she again tries to force Tobin into the room.
“Ok, I’ll come in, but only if Christen says it’s ok for me to sit next to her” Tobin confesses, still wielding that wild smirk.
“I don’t know guys” Christen faux-contemplates, “That would mean that I would have to move over, and I’m like super comfortable right now…”
“Well if Christen doesn’t want to move then I guess I’ll be on my way” Tobin nonchalantly jokes, causing Kelley to whip around furiously in Christen’s direction.
“Pressy” she whisper-yells, “If you don’t move that pretty little ass of yours right now, I’m going to have to kick it later.”
“Alright, Maureen” Christen exhales as she slides over on her bed, “Tobin can stay, I guess.” Kelley smiles wide as Tobin finally lets Kelley pull her into the room. Kelley confiscates the cupcake box as Tobin settles next to Christen.
“Sorry I’m late” she whispers, “I had to make a stop first.”
“It’s ok, you’re here now, that’s all that matters” Christen smiles, though the part of her that felt Tobin’s absence is a little more reluctant to forget the past few hours she’s spent on her own. Tobin reciprocates a smile and grabs Christen’s hand in her own. She gives it a squeeze and suddenly the time before Tobin arrived is lost from memory. All that exists is here and now.
“Oh god this is good!” Kelley gushes as she inhales a chocolate cupcake, leaving half of it on her face. “Tobin, have I ever told you that I love you?”
“No, I don’t think so” Tobin chuckles, “Has anyone ever told you that you have a cupcake problem?” Kelley stops mid-chew and glares point blank at the midfielder.
“I have a sugar addiction” Kelley admits through a mouthful of chocolatey baked good, “Sue me.” Christen laughs and Kelley’s phone rumbles from her desk. She picks it up and reads a text. “Oh shit.” Kelley quickly consumes the remainder of the cupcake and vigorously wipes at her face.
“What’s up? You have plans or something?” Christen asks as Kelley rushes around the room, gathering her things.
“Yeah, I’m heading over to Emily’s to watch Glee tonight. She’s in the Main Lobby right now” Kelley explains as she checks her reflection in the mirror one last time.
“Glee, huh?” Christen wiggles her eyebrows up and down, “Is that what the kids call it these days?” Tobin chuckles at her side. Kelley whirls around and throws her hand on her hips.
“Yes, Glee, completely PG rated activity” Kelley states, deflecting Christen’s innuendo.
“I don’t know” Tobin argues, “I’d say that Glee is at least rated 14 and up.” This time Christen snickers. What a smartass. I love it.
Kelley huffs but her eyes drift down to Christen and Tobin’s joined hands.
“Either way” Kelley starts, her eyes twinkling, “I’m sure whatever Emily and I do will be much tamer than whatever activity the two of you will partake in tonight.” Christen’s eyes go wide and she immediately releases Tobin’s hand. Shit, I didn’t even realize we were still holding hands. Kelley smirks victoriously as she grabs her jacket and bag and heads to the door. “Alright, I’m off.” Christen snaps out her state of shock just enough to bid her roommate farewell.
“Bye! Be safe out there!” Christen calls as Kelley exits the room.
“Be safe in here” Kelley leaves one final jab just before the door closes behind her. Christen blushes a shade of tomato red and Tobin just laughs it off. How can she be laughing? This is so embarrassing!
“So” Tobin turns to Christen after she’s calmed down a bit, “How have you been tonight?” Her question is light on the surface, but Christen knows what Tobin is really asking. And even though she’s insecure about it, she’s happy to have someone like Tobin to share her phobia with. Actually, she’s just happy to have someone like Tobin, period.
“I’ve been better” Christen sheepishly admits, “But things got better once your teammates showed up.”
“I’ll bet” Tobin smiles, “They’re an interesting bunch, always good for a lift of spirits.”
“You must be really happy to have them, there’s nothing quite like having teammates to always be there for you” Christen points out, feeling both nostalgic and remorseful about her own past.
“I am” Tobin firmly agrees, “I thank God every day for them, they’re like family.” Christen nods solemnly in agreeance. Tobin takes Christen’s pause to add more to her comment. “Why are you talking like an outsider? They’re your team, too, remember?” Christen’s expression falls as she looks into Tobin’s eyes.
“Tobin” Christen flatly states, “We’ve been over this. It’s not the same.” Instead of arguing with her, Tobin takes a moment to observe Christen. She lets the both of them sit in silence as she carefully thinks about what she’s going to say next. Finally, she speaks.
“Hey Christen?” Tobin starts, patiently waiting for Christen’s permission to continue.
“Yeah?” Christen answers, though unable to shake her sudden lowly feeling. Tobin takes Christen’s hand again to get her attention. Christen looks into Tobin’s sincere eyes once more.
“Why do you keep saying that?” Tobin gently asks, carefully awaiting Christen’s response.
“Saying what?” Christen asks for clarification, confused as to what Tobin is getting at.
“Why do you keep saying that it isn’t the same? Why don’t you think that you’re part of the team?” Christen exhales and idly turns Tobin’s hand over in hers. She’s worked hard the past few years not to dwell on this. Not to open Pandora’s Box of her own emotions that she’s never brought herself to properly deal with. Maybe it’s because if she does, then it will truly be over. The time of her life that once brought her so much happiness will actually be gone. It’s a thought that scares Christen. Really scares her.
“Because” Christen starts, already exhausted even before getting into it, “I know what it’s like to be on a team, to share that kind of bond. To be a part of that kind of a family. And…And I don’t feel that now.”
“How do you feel?” Tobin questions, not aggressively, but assertive enough to coax an answer out of Christen.
“Empty.” Christen simply states. Tears start to form in Christen’s eyes, despite her efforts to fight them off. She didn’t want to get in to this today. She didn’t want to get into it ever, but now here she is, suddenly unable to think about anything else. Tobin runs a soothing hand up and down Christen’s arm.
“Hey, it’s alright” Tobin softly encourages, “You can let it out.” Tobin continues to comfort Christen as she takes a few more moments to collect herself. “Why do you feel empty?” Christen thinks it over, recollects every painful moment, every lonely thought, and finally comes to a conclusion.
“Because I left them.” I left them.
“You left them? Who’s ‘them’?” Tobin asks, her eyebrows knitting together.
“My team” Christen utters, just above a whisper. Her voice cracks as she feels her heart shatter for the millionth time in the past few years. The pain feels as fresh as it did the first day her team took the pitch without her. Just like the time she saw someone else wearing her jersey number. Like all the times she would run into an old teammate and visibly see the lost fondness with every consecutive interaction. And, most heart-breakingly of all, like the time that she realized that she no longer belonged in the place that had been her home for most of her existence on this planet. It hurts like hell.
“Why did…” Tobin begins, prudently toeing the line as to not upset Christen any further, “Why did you leave them?”
“I had to” Christen sniffles, “My parents told me that I should focus on my academics before college. They said that was the only way that I could get a decent scholarship and be able to afford to go to a school like this.”
“So that’s why you stopped playing soccer?” Tobin queries, taken aback by something that seems inconceivable to her own mind. Christen nods slowly.
“All my life, I’ve dreamed of attending a school like this. I always wanted to be able to make something of myself, to do something respectable, to prove myself. So when the time came, I chose to walk away from the team. I knew I’d never be able to make soccer a profession, it was never realistic for me, but I didn’t know that it would hurt so damn much. That it would haunt me every day since.” Christen’s head slumps forward as her breathing increases. “I was raised on the pitch as a soccer player. I didn’t know it as the time, but that was my identity. I was soccer. And I gave it up, for a chance to come here, and I’ve lost my team. My family. And I’ll never get that back.”
Christen looks up only to find tears in Tobin’s eyes as well. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to. Christen can tell just by looking at her that Tobin understands, wholeheartedly, and sympathizes with her pain. It hurts her to see Tobin like that, but it’s also refreshing. Christen’s never been able to admit that to someone and have them so easily understand. They just couldn’t because they never knew what soccer meant to Christen, they were never in her position. But Tobin was. Tobin’s seen and experienced everything that Christen has described. Everything that Christen has lost. And even though Tobin still has her team, she mourns for Christen’s as well.
“I’ll never get that back” Christen breathlessly repeats. Not a second later, Tobin pulls Christen close. She wraps her in her arms and engulfs her in nothing but warmth and support. Christen is surprised at first, but she wastes no time melting into Tobin’s intimate embrace. She remains still as Tobin runs one hand up and down her back and cradles her head in the other. They hold each other in silence for a while before Tobin speaks up.
“You’re right” she murmurs. Christen lifts her head from Tobin’s shoulder and looks at her expectantly.
“What?” Christen asks, unsure of what she’s apparently right about.
“You won’t ever get that back. It won’t ever be the same.” Tobin proclaims as Christen adjusts herself in her neighbor’s arms. She’s slightly confused by Tobin’s words, expecting some type of series of comforting condolences instead. Tobin seems to pick up on Christen’s misunderstanding because she quickly continues. “But just because you won’t get your old team back doesn’t mean that you can’t find a new one. I’m not saying that it will happen right away, and I’m not saying that it will be easy, but just because one team ends doesn’t mean that there aren’t more out there. It won’t ever feel the same for you, you’re right about that, but just because something is different doesn’t make it any better or any worse, it just makes it different. All I’m saying is, you shouldn’t give up on a team before you even give it a chance. You’ll never be happy if you compare things now with how they were in the past. Change happens, it’s a part of life, but if you allow yourself to be open to it, you’ll find things that you could have never imagined – things that could bring you joy and happiness and all that other fluffy stuff. Okay?”
Christen sits up straighter and peers into Tobin’s eyes. She didn’t know how badly she needed to hear those words until she heard them spoken from Tobin’s lips. Christen has looked into Tobin’s eyes before, but it isn’t until now that she sees something there that she’s never noticed before. It’s not just warmth, it’s not just sincerity. It’s something much stronger, something much more powerful. More potent. It’s lo–
Christen’s phone starts blaring an unfamiliar Mike Posner song from some unknown location in her room. Tobin jolts and averts her gaze as the loud music startles the both of them. Is that my phone? Where the fuck is it? Did Kelley hide it again?
Christen gets up from the bed to investigate, all the while the song plays on. As she gets closer to Kelley’s bed, she’s able to distinguish some lyrics.
“Are you trying to make me wait, wait, wait, ‘til the second date? When I can’t, can’t, can’t even contemplate waiting one more minute. Let me jump in it. I brought you flowers and a teddayyy!”
Christen tries to lift the mattress, but one corner gets stuck on the bed post at the foot of the bed so the song continues to play. What the hell are these lyrics?
“You’ve been playing hard to get with me all night. We both know exactly what you want, right? Tell me what you though. Tell me what you gon’ do, what you gon’ do – ”
“Do you need some help?” Tobin asks from over Christen’s shoulder. Christen tugs harder at the mattress.
“No, that’s ok, I think I got it” Christen returns, still trying to maneuver the mattress on her own. Despite Christen’s rejection for help, Tobin walks over to her struggling friend and grabs the corner of the mattress closest to the bed post. With one collective exertion of energy, Christen and Tobin lift the mattress, allowing Christen’s phone to more clearly project the song.
“Once I throw on this bowchickawowwow what you gonna say? Act like you gon’ leave, but I know that you gon’ stay. Break it down, dicky down down, girl don’t even play. Once I set the mood right, Imma make you sound like –” (Sensual guitar music follows).
Christen quickly snatches her phone from the bed frame and silences the music while Tobin snickers at her side. The cause of it all was a text from Kelley.
Maureen: Make sure you two keep things on your side of the room ;)
Christen fumingly pockets her phone and turns back to Tobin. Fucking Kelley O’Hara. She must have stole my phone when I was in the bathroom earlier. I swear, I need to start taking that thing with me. How the hell did she even set a song as a text alert? How much effort did she fucking put into this?!
“Kelley, I’m guessing?” Tobin asks, still chuckling to herself at the situation.
“What other pain in the ass would it be?” Christen answers, probably a little more frustratedly than she intended it to sound. Tobin just lets it slide though.
“What did she say?” Tobin asks, curiosity peaked at this point. Christen blushes slightly. No way in hell I’m telling you what she said.
“Nothing important” Christen shortly replies, “So are there still cupcakes left, or did Kelley eat them all?” Tobin peers into the pink box and smirks.
“Looks like you’re in luck” she answers reaching in for a sugar delicacy.
“Do they have sprinkles?” Christen asks hopefully, standing on her tip toes to try and get a better view.
“Christen, I’m a college sophomore and a very practical adult” Tobin states in a proper tone, pausing her hand just before it reveals the cupcakes she’s selected. “Of course I got a batch with sprinkles.” Christen giggles and joins Tobin’s side in front of the cupcake box. Christen reaches for a cupcake but immediately Tobin protests. “No, not that one! That’s the one I wanted!” And just like that, she’s a child again. Tobin even begins to pout. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.
“Splitsies?” Christen offers, trying to be diplomatic.
“Really? You can’t just pick another one?” Tobin whines.
“If you don’t want to go splitsies, then I’ll just eat this one by myself” Christen shrugs. Tobin looks between Christen and the cupcake until finally she’s made a decision.
“Fine” she dramatically exhales, “Splitsies.”
The two split the cupcake exactly down the middle and immediately dig in. Christen takes small strategic bites at a time while Tobin pops her entire half into her mouth in one go. Christen watches the sight of Tobin with great amusement until a thought enters her mind.
“Hey Tobin?” she asks gently.
“Hm?” Tobin grunts as she works on chewing the chunk of cupcake in her mouth, a few sprinkles occasionally falling from her lips.
“These cupcake are great and all” Christen shyly starts, “But how about from now on we forget them? That way you don’t have to go out of your way to get them after practice. You can just come straight back to the dorm.”
Tobin knows that what Christen’s asking isn’t about cupcakes at all, so she just gives her an understanding nod in return. Christen smiles as Tobin takes her hand again. The thunder outside doesn’t seem as loud anymore.