Across The Hall

Christen breathes in contently as she feels body heat radiating against her skin. She snuggles in closer to the source as a soft sensation grazes her forehead. She doesn’t remember when she fell asleep last night, maybe sometime after laughing her way through the movie Sisters with Tobin, but now she recognizes that similar comatose feeling that’s usually associated with a good night’s rest. She lets her sleep-heavy body soak up every ounce of warmth as the figure next to her continues to comfort her. She feels another gentle sensation run across her face as a few stray hairs are brushed aside. She hums at the touch and smiles to herself. What a lovely dream she’s having, it almost feels real.

Then again, the supple and warm sensation lands on her forehead. It lasts longer this time and seems to be a growing source of Christen’s contentment. The budding and fading tickling feeling reminds her of what it would be like to have someone breathing against her skin. And that warmth at the top of her face, just below her hairline reminds her of what could only feel like lips pressed tenderly to her skin. The more she indulges in the sensation, the more she’s sure that lips could be the only known culprit behind this mystery. The only cause of this kind of comfort. She’s had dreams like this before, but never have they felt this realistic.

Then she hears the chime of her phone and she’s brought back to reality. Christen squirms slightly in her bed, but stops when she discovers that something doesn’t quite add up here.

She’s awake.

But she still feels the sensation of the lips on her forehead.

Lips?!

The lips slowly pull away and Christen frantically crakes her eyes open. The first thing she sees is Tobin’s bewildered and slightly guilty eyes. She looks as though she’s been caught red-handed. And in a way, she has.

“What are you doing?” Christen rapidly whispers as Tobin’s face is a mere few inches from her own. Tobin registers their now uncomfortable proximity and sits up, leaving space between her and Christen. She averts her gaze, unable to look Christen in the eye at the moment.

“I… I, uh” Tobin starts, uncharacteristically shy. It’s not like Tobin to be unable to form a sentence, that’s usually Christen’s forte, but in the current circumstances, Tobin is seriously struggling.

“Did you just kiss me?” Christen questions, her voice brazen and bold, though her inner-being starts an overwhelming panic. Tobin stiffens, unsure of how to explain herself.

“Um” she sheepishly begins, looking in Christen’s general direction again while still avoiding her eyes, “Yeah, I did.” Christen’s eyes go wild, she wasn’t expecting Tobin’s honesty, and a small part of her had wished she’d only just imagined it. She did? She really did?

Tobin turns, now fully taking in Christen’s panicked state.

“It was only on the forehead though” Tobin explains further, hoping that Christen won’t freak out over it. But her own blushing face gives her away, and only seems to amp up Christen’s barrage of emotions. So she meant to do it?

“Why?” Christen barks out, her breathing rapidly increasing and her heart pounding. Tobin flinches at Christen’s outburst but maintains her collected demeanor.

“I don’t know, I just – ” Tobin begins, though her tone lacks its usual sincerity.

“What do you mean you don’t know? You just kissed me, Tobin!” Christen cries. She can feel herself losing some control, and she can’t figure out what to make of the situation. She’s never woken up like that before. Should she be upset, or ecstatic? Should she feel violated or relieved? No matter how many times Christen goes back and forth in her mind, she can’t figure out how she really feels about it. So in the meantime, all she can do is be on the defensive. Protect herself and get some answers.

“Yes, I did, but – ” Tobin attempts the deescalate the situation, only to be interrupted again.

“But what?” Christen bursts, unable to listen to Tobin beat around the bush. “Why would you kiss me and tell me that you don’t know why? Obviously you do or you wouldn’t have done it!” Tobin’s gaze now becomes a bit more intense as Christen tests her patience. She clenches her jaw before calmly continuing.

“I couldn’t control myself” Tobin admits firmly, looking Christen square in the eye. However, this is not the answer Christen is prepared to accept.

“Couldn’t control yourself?!” Christen explodes, probably for the first time ever in front of Tobin. “What? Do you normally go around kissing your friends while they sleep?” A look of hurt quickly flashes across Tobin face before it’s replaced with an expression of frustration.

“There’s that damn word again…” Tobin utters through clenched teeth. What?

“What word? Friends? Well that’s exactly what we are, Tobin. We’re friends. That’s what we agreed to.” Christen points out, at the peak of her hysteria. Why the fuck can’t I calm down? However, this is the tipping point for Tobin. Her eyes flare almost to the point of unrecognition.

“No” Tobin raises her voice, “That’s what you agreed to, Christen. That’s what you decided for yourself without even so much as consulting me. Not even bothering to ask what I thought about all of this.” Christen is taken aback, she’s never seen Tobin this upset before. This angrily passionate, if you will. Christen is just about to rattle off another set of passive aggressive questions when her phone chimes again. The same noise that induced this whole mess. She snatches it from her bedside table and finds two texts from Kelley.

Maureen:  Hey Pressy, I left my keycard in the room last night. Can you come down to the Main Lobby to let me in?

Maureen:  Hellooo? Pressy? Are you still mad at me for last night? Listen, I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you. Now can you let me in? It’s really cold out here :(

Christen huffs as she grabs her keys and heads to the door. She’s only reminded now of the events from the previous night and her anger refuels. How the hell could Tobin do this? Was she fucking planning this the whole time? What if I hadn’t woken up? What would she have done? Or kept doing? I can’t believe I fucking trusted her.

“Fine” Christen angrily breathes, “If you don’t want to be my friend, then by all means, don’t. At least now I know that all you ever really wanted from me was my body. Feel free to see yourself out.” Christen turns on her heel and fumingly makes her way into the hallway.

“God dammit, Christen” Tobin replies, taking to her feet and following her neighbor out the door. “Christen, wait!” Tobin calls after her. Christen continues walking, trying her hardest to ignore Tobin’s voice. “Is that really what you think?”

Even though she wills her feet to continue forward, Christen stops in her tracks. Before she knows it, she whirls around, only to be met standing face-to-face with Tobin. Is that what I think? Is that what I fucking think?! You fucking kissed me!

“What the hell else am I supposed to think?!” Christen yells, loud enough for anyone is the surrounding area to hear.

“Christen” Tobin starts, reaching forward to take Christen’s hand. Christen immediately pulls it away.

“Don’t you fucking touch me!” Christen cries, her eyes watering. Her internal conflict is just about killing her at this point. Part of her still despises Tobin for trying to take advantage of their relationship. The other part, though, hates every second she can’t throw her arms around to girl’s neck and just pull her close. Christen back peddles, wanting desperately to be somewhere, anywhere, but here, in this moment.

“Christen, listen!” Tobin shouts as she lunges forward and grabs a hold of both of Christen’s shoulders, effectively keeping the girl in place. Christen begins to fight herself away, but when she looks into Tobin’s equally watery eyes, she feels frozen to the spot.

A few doors open throughout the hallway, Christen and Tobin’s commotion drawing an audience.

“What the hell is going on out here? I’m trying to sleep!” Sarah whines as she trudges through her doorway.

“Goddamn, Tobs, was that you yelling just now?” Ali comments as she rubs the sleep from her eyes.

“Oooh, lovers quarrel!” Kling announces from down the hallway, making her way over to Alex’s door to get a better vantage point of the unfolding scene.

“Whoa, Tobs, are you crying?” Alex hesitantly asks from the doorframe of room 313.

Christen and Tobin ignore it all though. They remain with their eyes locked on each other, stuck in their impossible chess match of moves and counter moves. The sight of Tobin so upset is shocking to Christen. And the sight of betrayal in Christen’s eyes pains Tobin’s heart.

“Christen” Tobin repeats gently, “Is that really what you think of me? Is that really what you think I’ve been doing this whole time?” Christen looks deeper into Tobin’s regretful eyes. She doesn’t say it, but Christen can tell that Tobin would do almost anything in her power to take back what happened this morning and go back to how things were the night before. And Christen feels that way too, she wants that more than anything at this point.

“No” Christen finally croaks out. Tobin’s eyes momentarily fill with relief and her shoulders visibly relax, but Christen continues. “But then why did you kiss me?”

“Did she just say ‘kiss’?” Kling mutters in disbelief. Alex swiftly elbows her in the ribs. Kling sputters. “Christ, Morgan, it was just a question!”

“Because” Tobin states like it’s the clearest thing in the world, ignoring all the side comments around her and focusing solely on Christen. “You looked so cute all snuggled up next to me.” She shrugs, “How could I not?”

“But – ”

“What’s all the commotion about out here? You guys know it’s still quiet hours, right?” Becky asks as she emerges from her room on high alert, just as the ever responsible RA that she is.

“Becky!” Sarah whisper-reprimands, “I respect you, I honor you, but kindly shut the hell up.”

“And because” Tobin starts again, regaining Christen’s attention. She looks her straight in the eye, trying to muster every ounce of conviction into these next words. “Because I have feelings for you. More than just friends, feelings.”

“I know, Tobin, but we’ve – ”

“I want to date you, Christen.”

Christen goes completely still and the others around her momentarily silence. Momentarily being the key word.

“Did she just say that?” Ali whispers as she deals with her own, second-hand shell shock. Christen can’t help but think the exact same thing. Did she?

“Oh my damn, she did” Alex replies, equally as stunned. Tobin squeezes Christen’s shoulders, desperate to convey her intentions.

“Chris, I want to date you. Not just hang out as friends, but actually date you. For real” Tobin openly expresses. She looks as though exposing her truth has set her free, but the reality of the situation is that she’s as vulnerable as she’s ever been.

A chorus of ‘Awww’s ring out around them and Christen’s head is suddenly on a swivel as she finally registers just how many people are now involved with her moment with Tobin. A moment that ideally should be private, where Christen shouldn’t have to feel swayed to respond one way or the other. In truth, Christen’s sudden exposure is a lot for her to take in all at once, and she finds herself feeling not only embarrassed, but slightly ashamed. Now everyone knows about this. EVERYONE. And there’s no more hiding it, no more privacy. I’m about to be the talk of the floor, the villain. Dammit, why did everyone have to hear this? Why couldn’t they just mind their own damn business? This is exactly what I wanted to avoid in the first place!

“Who wants to date who now?” Kelley tiredly questions as she shuffles away from the elevator that nobody even noticed arrive. She takes a moment to survey the hallway before her eyes land on Christen. “Oh, and thanks for letting me in, roomie. I really enjoyed catching a ride up here with that creep from seventh floor.”

Christen squeezes her eyes shut. She can’t handle the stares anymore. And even though she can no longer see them, she can feel the prying eyes on her. The eyes that eagerly await her next move as if she’s the subject of the latest reality TV show. The eyes that feel like they’re burning holes through her body. She slowly opens her eyes again, only to be met with a pair that seem to beg her for words. Any words. However, all Christen can get herself to do is to turn and briskly make her way to the stairwell, without any words at all. She brushes past Kelley as she exits from the door to the third floor. Tobin instinctively takes off after her.

“Was it something that I said?” Kelley asks obliviously after a few moments of stunned silence pass.

“O’Hara!” Ali scolds while disapprovingly shaking her head, “You scared them away, they were having a moment!”

“A moment?” Kelley queries, still as confused as ever.

“Yeah, Tobin just admitted that she had feelings for Christen. It was crazy!” Sarah informs, recollecting the prior dramatic and climactic series of events.

“But she already knew” Kelley mindlessly mutters, her eyebrows furrowing together.

“She already knew?!” the remaining soccer players exclaim in unison. They quickly flock around Kelley, like ducks in a pond to a piece of bread. However in this circumstance, instead of bread, it’s more intimate details about Christen and Tobin’s relationship that they seek.

“Yeah, she did. I mean, shit, I shouldn’t be talking about this” Kelley continues, but then cuts herself off, wanting to respect what Christen told her in confidence.

“Come on, O’Hara, we all witnessed what happened in the hall just now. I think we’re past the point of secrecy” Sarah encourages, quite persuasively on her part. Kelley chews her bottom lip in contemplation, Sarah does have a point.

“Alright, well” Kelley exhales, still a bit weary of disclosing the information. “A while back, Christen and Tobin admitted their feelings for each other, but then decided to just stay friends. That’s all I know, Christen didn’t tell me anymore than that.”

“No way! How long ago did it happen?” Ali chimes, surprised but intrigued by Kelley’s new information.

“Hey Kling, you remember that night when I broke your window fan?” Kelley asks, averting her attention to her fellow smallish defender.

“How could I forget? I’ve been living in the fucking Sahara ever since.” Kling replies with a touch of resentment in her voice.

“That’s when” Kelley confirms. All the eyebrows in the group of women shoot up in one fail swoop.

“So they’ve been having a fling this whole time?” Ali asks, now thoroughly taken aback.

“Oh my god, Tobin didn’t come back to the room last night. Like, at all. Last I saw her, she was just about to head over to see Christen.” Kling reports as her eyes suddenly widen. “And O’Hara, you weren’t in the room last night, obviously, since your still wearing yesterday’s clothes…”

“Walk of shame” Sarah interjects between a few forced coughs. Kelley shoots her a menacing glare. If looks could kill, there would be one dead apple.

“…So that means…Oh GOD, what if they – ” Kling continues with what she believes to be the revelation of the century.

“No, stop. It’s not like that with them” Kelley interrupts, wanting to quickly extinguish the potential gossip and internally kicking herself for possibly betraying Christen’s trust.

“How do you know? They have been awful close lately” Kling reminds.

“Yeah, and aren’t you the one that’s always telling them that they should just ‘get married and move to the suburbs already’?” Sarah points out.

“That’s different” Kelley quickly dismisses with the wave of her hand. “I give them shit because it’s funny, not because it’s true. But I do know one thing though. Up until this point, things have just been friendly between them. Strictly friendly. Nothing else.”

“I just hope they’re both alright” Alex, who’s been uncharacteristically quiet for the duration of this conversation, admits as she glances to the third floor door with a look of concern.

“Christen!” Tobin’s voice sounds from above, bouncing off of the walls of the small confines of the stairwell. The only other sound present are the rapid scuffs of Christen’s shoes as she frantically makes her way down the stairs, flight after flight. Her mind is reeling after what’s just happened in the hallway, and her one and only desire at this point in time is to just escape it all. Put distance between herself and her dilemma. The only issue with this plan is that part of her problem is continuing to follow her. Or rather, pursuing her fervently as Tobin bounds down the steps, quickly gaining on her neighbor.

Just before reaching the platform for the first floor, Tobin catches her.

“Hey, stop!” Tobin demands as she grabs Christen’s shoulder and abruptly spins her around. Tobin takes the opportunity to jump in front of Christen so that they are both now level and that the elusive Cali girl has nowhere left to run. “Can you please stop running away from me for just a few seconds?”

Upon close inspection, Tobin notices that Christen’s eyes are wild and that her facial muscles are contorted in an extremely morose expression. She is the epitome of distraught and overwhelmed.

“Let me pass, please” Christen’s lowly voice waivers. She doesn’t even attempt to look up before she begins to step to Tobin’s side and try to maneuver herself around the girl. Tobin quickly steps to her side, effectively blocking Christen’s path once more.

“No” Tobin firmly declines, staring determinedly at Christen, “Not until you tell me why you refuse to even consider the idea of you and I together.”

“Tobin, move aside…” Christen tries to go around the other side of Tobin, but Tobin squares herself directly in front of Christen again.

“Is it that I’m not good enough for you?” Tobin questions, an annoyed bite to her tone. Christen fidgets while still trying to find a way around Tobin.

“No, of course not” Christen answers with reasonable conviction, though her eyes still avoid those in front of her. Just get out of my way.Please.

“Is there someone else?” Tobin immediately launches into the next question. Christen continues doing her little tango as Tobin matches her every advance and change of direction.

“No, Tobin, there isn’t” Christen honestly replies, growing increasingly more agitated by the second. Why won’t she just let me fucking go?

“Then what is it? Why are you being like this?” Tobin frustratedly demands. She reaches forward on grabs both of Christen’s arms to keep her from trying to escape anymore. Her patience running extremely thin and making itself known. Just like Tobin, Christen has finally had enough of the other’s charades. She can feel anger bubbling up from the pit of her stomach and rising throughout her body.

“What do you want from me?!” Christen bursts, finally directing her gaze upward to make eye contact with Tobin. Her voice is whiney and strained, and her hands shake with unceasing frustration, but she makes no attempt to mask either one of them. She just doesn’t have the energy to.

“The truth!” Tobin barks, her own amount of dissatisfaction on full display. “I want to know why you always run away, why you won’t tell me what’s truly on your mind. Ever since I met you, you always seem to guard a part of yourself, like you’re afraid that something bad is gonna happen if you let someone see it.” Christen breaks eye contact and directs her gaze to the floor. A vein twitches in her forehead and a lump grows in her throat. Tobin takes a step forward, shortening the amount of space between her and Christen. “Well it’s not, okay? If you share that side of you with me, I’ll make sure nothing bad happens. I’ll be careful, I promise.” How can she say something like that? How can she be so sure? How can she make that promise?

Christen’s mind enters further free-fall as a mixed array of emotions hit her from every angle. Self-doubt, self-resentment, fear, anger, insecurity, vulnerability, weakness, pain. There are far too many for her to pinpoint, so her head continues to swim in a pool paralyzing disarray.

“Chris” Tobin continues, “I know you have feelings for me, so why don’t – ” And as small as it is, this is the tipping point. The instance that causes Christen to crack, setting free every pent-up emotion that has been slowly consuming her from the inside.

“No, you can’t do that!” Christen explodes, tears already beginning to form in her eyes, “You don’t get to tell me how I feel about you!”

“Wait, Christen, that’s not what I – ” Tobin quickly tries to smooth over Christen’s sudden outburst. However, it’s too late. Christen’s episode has progressed too much to be solved by Tobin’s off-the-cuff attempt at calming her down.

“You can’t understand, alright? You can’t possibly understand how I feel!” Christen proclaims in a gritty voice, the remnants of a pain from the depths of her being ever present.

“Then tell me. I’ll listen. I’ll – ” Tobin fumbles, desperately trying to regain Christen’s attention. But it’s no use, she’s already too far lost in her own head.

“Just let me go” Christen mutters as she lunges forward and brushes by Tobin. Tobin’s shock slows her reaction, so Christen nearly makes a clean get away before Tobin can do anything to stop her.

“Chris…” Tobin reaches out and just barely has enough time to snatch Christen’s wrist. The freshman girl’s firey eyes catch her neighbor’s one last time before she aggressively yanks herself free.

“Fucking let me be!” she erupts. A split-second silence falls over the two as they stare each other down with such intensity that the walls could crumble around them and neither would budge. They pant harsh breaths, exasperated for different reasons, and all too soon, their slit-second is up. Christen swiftly turns back around and exits the door at the base of the stairwell. Tobin breathlessly leans back against the cold stone wall as she tries to manage her state of disbelief and shock. Along with the echoing of Christen’s disappearing footsteps, the only other noise Tobin can hear is the sound of her own heart pounding in her ears, louder than it ever has before.

“They’ve been gone a while, should we go after them?” Alex worriedly suggests as she anxiously ties and unties the strings of her hoodie, just as she’s been doing a hundred times over since the whole debacle with Christen and Tobin went down earlier.

“Nah, we should probably just give them their privacy” Ali points out, shuffling her foot against the carpet as she leans against the hallway wall. “Christen kind of looked like a deer in the head lights with all of us around her, I feel bad about that.”

“Besides” Sarah adds from her seat on the floor, “Tobin’s about as smooth as they come when she isn’t purposely being a devious little punk. I’m sure she’s down stairs sweet talking Christen as we speak. If we were to go down and check on them, we might witness something that none of us ever want the honor of interrupting, if you catch my drift.”

“Yeah, we don’t want a repeat of the time we caught Ali and Ash sucking face in the equipment room” Kling teases as she makes kissy faces at Ali.

“Hey! I thought we agreed never to speak of that again” Ali protests as her cheeks grow redder and voice less chipper.

“Well I’m sorry, sweetheart” Kling sasses with a devilish smirk, “But if you don’t want to be heckled for your little PDA sessions with Goalie Locks, maybe next time the two of you should satisfy your ‘urges’ under the bleachers like the rest of the band geeks.” Ali glares at Kling something fierce while the other girls roar in laughter.

“Damn Kriegs, you need some ice for that burn?” Sarah smiles smugly.

“No” Ali quips, her eyes narrowed, “But you guys will if I tell Ash about this. Good luck scrimmaging while your keeper’s shooting balls at your head.”

“You know Kriegs, revenge isn’t a good look on you” Alex points out, now twirling her hoodie strings around her index finger.

“Neither is submission” Ali returns without a moment’s hesitation.

Becky walks back over to the group after the last open door in the hallway closes. She looks frazzled and tired, but slightly relieved as she smooths her hair away from her face and takes a deep breath, her damage control finally at its end.

“Alright ladies, finish up your chatting and head back to your rooms. As I said before, it’s still quiet hours and we’ve had enough ruckus for one morning” Becky states with an exhausted exhale as she arrives in front of the soccer players.

“Well, you heard her, girls” Sarah agrees as she makes her way off of the ground and back up to her feet, “We don’t want to cause Becky any more ‘ruckus’.” A few of the girls chuckle as Becky shakes her head.

“And this is why Krieger is my favorite” she simply replies as she helps Kelley up off the floor from her spot leaned against Alex’s doorframe.

“Ha! I told you I’m her favorite” Ali gloats as bright smile takes proud residence on her face.

“Don’t grow complacent” Becky warns, looking sternly into Ali’s eyes, “If you bunch don’t start vacating the hallway, I’m going to have to start knocking some heads together.” Despite her intimidating façade, Becky lets the corners of her mouth curl up into a small grin.

“Damn Becky, since when are you a badass?” Kelley questions, amused and slightly surprised by Becky’s left-field comment. Becky simply shrugs.

“How do you think I became an RA?” she slyly returns.

“Well I’ll be damned” Sarah chuckles, “Who knew the ‘Brunn’ had bite?”

“Make me lose even more sleep and see what happens” Becky retorts, sending the group a playful wink.

Amidst yet another round of laughter from the small party of women, the floor door at the end of the hall crashes open, causing the group to startle.

“Is that Tobin?” Ali asks as she studies the figure rapidly approaching.

Sure enough, Tobin determinedly strides forward down the hallway. Her eyes are red and puffy and she wears a grimace completely foreign to her face. Each step she takes encompasses its own burning fury. The ground beneath her feet is practically set ablaze.

“Where’s Christen?” both Kelley and Alex mutter in concerned unison. As Tobin nears, Kling decides to speak up.

“There you are, Tobs! Where’s your girl? Did she float away from of all of your romantic wooing?” Kling asks, oblivious to Tobin’s demeanor, much to her own detriment.

“Fuck off, Kling” Tobin spits as she passes. Each girl makes sure to stay generously clear of her path. When Tobin finally reaches the door to room 317, she wastes no time turning the knob and violently slamming the door behind her. Moments later, several doors in the hall open to investigate the cause of the disturbance. Becky’s head slumps.

“Fuck” she dejectedly sighs.

Christen pokes at the dark circles under her eyes as she inspects them in the bathroom mirror. She exhales in defeat as she realizes that no amount of concealer will hide them. The only known cure for such a cosmetic aliment is a good night’s rest. Which unfortunately for her, is something she’s been deprived of for the past several days since…well, since the past several days. Beyond the cinder block partition dividing the women’s bathroom, the sounds of running water cease and voices waft over from the shower stalls.

“…But do you really think coach is going to bench her next game? Yeah, she hasn’t been her best lately, but she’s still one of our best players.” One voice says.

“We’ve lost three straight games. It’s isn’t fair to put all the blame on her, but let’s face it, her heart hasn’t been in it lately.” Another voice replies.

“Still, this is Tobin we’re talking about, the soccer wizard herself. Can the team even afford to not have her on the pitch?” Christen flinches at the mention of her name. Her name.

“Can we afford to keep her on the pitch? Listen, I love her as much as anyone else, but it seems like the wizard’s lost her magic, and now the team is suffering because of it.”

“Aren’t you being a bit harsh?”

“How so?”

“Come on, with everything that’s happened between her and Christen, doesn’t she deserve some slack? The poor girl’s been to hell and back.” A pang of guilt flashes through Christen’s body. Her heart sinks.

“I mean, yeah, that whole situation sucks and my heart goes out to her, and Christen, but she can’t let it affect her soccer like this. Or affect the team like this. Honestly, at this point, she either has to step up, or step aside.”

Christen hears the voices grow closer. She frantically begins to pack up her toiletries before they arrive and discover her presence in the area. Shit, I can’t let them catch me here or they’ll know I overheard everything that they’ve said.

“I get where you’re coming from but I think we should give her another chance. At least let her redeem herself for last game.”

Christen now fumbles with her things as she hastily packs them into her bathroom caddy. It’s no surprise when her trembling hands drop her tube of toothpaste to the floor. Dammit!

“Look, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, but I just think – Oh. Hey, Christen” Sarah haphazardly greets as she and Ali stop in their tracks on the other side of the room. They silently exchange a look, it becoming apparent to Christen that neither one of them was aware that anyone else was in the bathroom. Christen scoops up her toothpaste from the ground before replying.

“Hey, Sarah” Christen responds, feigning enthusiasm and plastering a far from genuine perky smile on her face, “Hey, Ali.”

“How are you?” Ali asks with a warm smile but a gentle tone. Christen takes a small breath.

“I’m good” she lies, “I just got back from class so I’m pretty wiped. How are you?”

“About the same” Ali answers with a shrug, “We just got back from practice so next on the agenda is a good, old fashioned nap.” Christen nods, relating easily to Ali’s comment.

“Are the practice fields any good?” Christen asks, having a harder time than usual making small talk. Though given the current mindset that she’s been stuck in for days now, she’s just relieved that she can speak at all.

“They’re sloppy and muddy, but they’re about as good as they can get with all this rain we’ve been having lately” Sarah replies, her initial shock of discovering Christen fading away.

“Right, that makes sense” Christen curtly agrees as she glances down to her fully packed bathroom caddy. “Well, a nap actually sounds pretty good right about now, I might have to go take one myself.”

“Alright” Ali nods, “We’ll see you later, Christen.”

“Yeah, later, Christen” Sarah adds, trying to sound more encouraging at this point. Christen waves.

“See ya” Christen bids as she grabs her caddy’s handle and heads for the door. Ali and Sarah make their way in front of the mirrors. Once Christen is out in the hallway, she squeezes her eyes shut as she walks. Even though her previous interaction was nice enough, it still has her feeling like a social pariah – the very thing she’d always feared she’d be.

Christen sits pretzel legged on her bed as she taps her pencil against her notebook and leafs through her Chem textbook. She has a test coming up that she hasn’t even studied for yet, and if the quiz she took last Friday is any indicator, it’s going to be a rough one. To her credit, she hadn’t studied much for that either given that certain events had taken place within those past 48 hours. However, this time she’s determined not to let that get to her, no matter how often those thoughts penetrate her mind. So as she copies down key lines from her textbook in neat calligraphy along the blue lines of her notebook, she makes sure to pay attention to each and every word. Although, the task becomes much more difficult as her roommate starts talking to her every few minutes.

“Hey Christen, have you seen my compression pants anywhere? I need them for training but I can’t find them” Kelley asks as she digs through the contents of her hamper. Christen looks up from her notes yet again. Despite wearing headphones which are universally known as the sign for ‘Don’t talk to me right now’, Christen is as vulnerable as ever to Kelley’s usual barrage of chit-chat.

“No, haven’t seen them” Christen casually replies. Kelley stands and puts one hand on her hip while the other scratches her head, confounded by this mystery.

“That’s strange” she observes, having just searched the small room from top to bottom. “Maybe I left them in the locker room or something. One of the gals could’ve picked them up for me. I’ll just ask Kling or Tob – ” Kelley immediately cuts herself off. “I mean, I’ll just ask around later.” Christen’s pencil stops tapping and she takes a deep breath to try and relieve some of the tension in her body. It’s just a name, that’s all it is. But every time she hears it, it’s like a blow to the jugular.

Kelley takes Christen’s moment of distraction from her studies as an opportunity to sit down next to her roommate and have the conversation she’s been wanting to have all week.

“Christen” she starts gently, folding her hands in her lap and proceeding with caution, “Have you talked to her since…”

“No” Christen answers, her tone heavy but far from stable. She glances up to the doorway and peers across the hall to the door to room 317. It’s been closed since the altercation, and the usual amount of laughter and antics that normally seeps through the walls has been nonexistent. The door doesn’t feel so much like a door, but rather a barrier, with the implication that something off limits awaits beyond it. “I haven’t even seen her.”

“Oh” Kelley simply remarks, trying to figure the right thing to say to her fragile friend, “Do you think that maybe it’s time that you give her a vis – ”

“I need to study” Christen interrupts, tightly clutching the corner of her hard cover textbook. “I have a really big test coming up so I need to be prepared.” Kelley nods, getting the message loud and clear. She raises from the bed and makes her way back over to her side of the room.

“Ok, but I can I just say one thing, Pressy?” Kelley timidly asks as she turns around and faces Christen’s direction again. Christen looks Kelley skeptically up and down, but nods for her to proceed. “You can’t let things go on like this forever. If you ever want things to start to feel normal around here again, you two are going to have to talk at some point, and someone has to make the first move.” Christen opens her mouth to speak, what she was going to say, she isn’t really sure, but the ringing of her phones stops her before she even has a chance. She looks down at the phone’s screen to identify the caller.

“It’s my mom” Christen explains, looking back up to Kelley again.

“Should I?” Kelley points her thumb to the door, asking if Christen wants her to give her some privacy.

“If you don’t mind” Christen responds feeling bad for having to put Kelley out, but also wanting a moment alone to talk with her mom.

“Yeah, no problem” Kelley confirms, “I’ll just go bother Alex for a while.” Christen smiles, thankful for Kelley’s understanding. Overall it’s been a rough week, but Kelley’s done nothing less than her absolute best to make things easier for Christen. She’s such a good roommate. A good friend.

“Thanks” Christen appreciatively returns. Kelley nods warmly before disappearing out into the hallway and carefully closing the door behind her. Once Christen hears the final click of the mechanisms of the doorknob, she takes a deep breath and answers her mother’s call.

“Hey mom” she breathes, fiddling with the wiry spirals binding the pages of her notebook together, “What’s up?”

“Just checking in on my lovely daughter” Stacy endearingly replies, “I haven’t heard from you in a while so I thought I’d see how things are going with you.” Christen takes a moment to contemplate her answer. She doesn’t want to lie to her mom, but she doesn’t want to tell her the truth either.

“I’m still alive” she finally responds, dodging the question but at peace for not pretending like everything is just swell either. Because it’s not.

“Well I’m glad to hear that!” Stacy chuckles through the phone, “I gather that Tobin’s taking good care of you, then?” Christen winces. Her mom never fails to hit her with the questions she’s never ready for. Usually the ones that put her in a position of substantial discomfort.

“I can take care of myself” Christen nearly snaps, immediately hoping that the edge to her voice didn’t properly translate over the phone.

“I know that, dear” Stacy acknowledges, putting on her all-knowing mom voice, “I just wanted to hear about how things are going between the two of you, that’s all. So how is she taking the loss from last night’s match? Your father and I watched the live stream through the school’s website and she looked a little off her game. Did she say anything to you after it was over? I’ll admit I was worried about her.” Christen rubs her hand across her face, not really wanting to talk about her at this moment.

“I don’t know, I didn’t go” Christen sighs, knowing full well that this will only launch her mother into another set of questions. And it does.

“You didn’t go?” Stacy repeats, confounded by her daughter’s action, “Why not? You always go.”

“I don’t know, mom. I just didn’t feel up to it.” Christen mumbles, growing tired from the conversation.

“Well are you going to go to the next one? I’m sure Tobin needs someone to cheer her on” Stacy replies, apparently unfazed by her daughter’s lackluster effort in continuing the chat.

“Mom” Christen huffs, finally having enough of this never-ending guilt trap, “Why don’t you ever ask about my academics?”

“What do you mean, sweetie?” Stacy asks, caught slightly off guard by Christen’s random question.

“I mean” Christen pauses, taking a moment to collect her thoughts, “Why don’t you ever ask about what I’m doing?” Christen feels her lip quiver as she experiences an unexpected tinge of sadness.

“I do, dear, that’s what I’m doing right now” Stacy explains, not quite understanding what her daughter is implying.

“No” Christen dismisses, her breath a little shaky, “Not romantically. Why don’t you ever ask about what I do on my own? What I achieve on my own. My dreams, my aspirations. It seems like all you ever ask about is the people I meet and my relationships with them. Like all you want to know is who I am when I’m with someone else. I feel like you don’t even want me to have a career of my own someday, a life of my own someday. I just feel like you don’t care what I do here unless it involves me falling for someone so that I can settle down and start a family.” Christen surprises herself by her own admission. She hadn’t expected all of that to come flowing out, but once she got started, she couldn’t stop. Does my mom even care about me, or just what last name I’ll have after I walk down the aisle?

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Christen, dear, settle down. Of course I care about you and of course I want you be successful with your career someday. What kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t?” Stacy assures in a tone that only reminds Christen of when she would cry in her mother’s arms when she was little.

“Then why don’t you ever ask about that?” Christen asks in a small voice, wiping the moisture away at the corner of her eyes, “Why is it always about what Tobin and I do together?”

“Because I don’t worry about your academics. You’ve always been such a hard worker and I know, without a doubt, that you’ll be successful in whatever you choose to do” Stacy elaborates, “But I still worry about your happiness, sweetheart, I know how you can be.” That last part has Christen confused.

“What do you mean?” Christen questions, not picking up on what her mother is alluding to.

“I mean” Stacy sighs, trying not to sound too harsh, “You’re no Tyler, dear. Or Channing either for that matter, she actually had a date to prom.”

“Mom!” Christen bursts, not being able to believe that she heard her mother’s words correctly, “I had to study for the SAT, remember?”

“What about senior prom?” Stacy adds knowingly, exploiting Christen’s argument. Unbelieveable!

“I seriously cannot believe you’re saying this to me right now” Christen pouts. What the hell kind of mom drags her child like that?

“Oh, relax!” Stacy laughs into Christen’s ear, “I give Tyler the school spiel every time we talk. You have your weaknesses, and she has hers.”

“And what about Channing?” Christen asks, not seeing it fair to let her little sister off the hook.

“What about Channing?” Stacy replies, “Channing’s doing just fine, she doesn’t need my help.” This woman! Unreal.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that, right?” Christen responds, though admittedly her spirits have lifted slightly since she started talking to her mom. Stacy laughs again.

“Where do you think you get it from, your father?” Stacy pauses to recollect herself after her bout of laughter and Christen smiles slightly. “What I’m trying to tell you is, you’re right, grades are important. But Christen, honey, grades can’t keep you warm at night or tell you that you look beautiful even when you don’t. It just doesn’t work like that.” Christen lets out a small laugh before Stacy continues. “I just want you to be more open to the idea of sharing yourself with someone, because you’re worth sharing. And it doesn’t have to be right now, or even ten years from now, but I just don’t want to see you ignore any feelings you might have for someone just because you’re afraid to take the plunge. But if I find out that you do and don’t do anything about it, I might just be forced to push into the plunge myself. I will not stand for my baby being unhappy, I just won’t.” Christen smiles into her phone.

“Thanks, mom” is all she mutters as she feels her eyes start to well up again.

A few hours into studying, Christen finds herself at her wit’s end. The boys down the hall insist on playing their ‘music’ as loud as possible, and with every beat, Christen can feel the dorm room shake. Fed up, she slams her textbook shut at glances at the clock. 5:47pm.

She stands from her bed and begins gathering her things into her backpack. Once everything is secured inside, she slings the pack over her shoulder and ventures over to Kelley’s desk to leave a note.

Went to the library to study. Those idiots at the end of the hall deserve a special place in hell.

~ Christen

Once she straightens up again, she slips her shoes on her feet and grabs her keys from her desk. Switching off the lights and locking the door as she pulls it shut behind her, Christen finally arrives out in the hallway. The first thing she sees when she glances up is the door to room 317. Still closed. Still foreboding. As she reads the name cards on the door, her heart beat increases – especially after reading one in particular.

A moment later, the ridiculously loud base from the subwoofers of the room down the hall snaps her back to reality. Christen shakes off her daze and heads for the stairs.

Kling, Sarah, and Tobin exit the dining hall just after six-o-clock. With full bellies and satisfied hunger, the three tread down the stairs outside of the building. Two out of the three look as content as ever. The other…not so much.

“Tobs, cheer up. You just had some of the world’s best strawberry cheesecake, shouldn’t you be smiling right now?” Sarah playfully asks as she slings an arm over Tobin’s shoulders. Tobin shrugs, but tries to appear to be in a better mood than she is.

“Probably” she sighs, “I don’t know, it just didn’t taste as good to me today.”

“Maybe you had a dud” Kling supplies as she walks on the other side of Sarah.

“Yeah” Tobin breathes, “Maybe.”

“Well it’s highly plausible” Kling acknowledges, “Not every piece of something can be perfect. Just take Sarah for example.” Sarah’s mouth drops open. Soon enough, she’s pulling her arm away from Tobin’s shoulders and snatching Kling in a headlock.

“Wanna say that again, short stack?” Sarah asks through gritted teeth as she ruffles Kling’s hair.

“Alright, alright!” Kling declares, trying to free herself from Sarah’s grip, “Uncle, uncle.” Sarah mercifully lets her go while she laughs. Once free, Kling attempts to fix her hair.

“Rule number one; never go for the hair” Kling informs sternly, still playing with the wisps around her face. “You should respect that… Sasquatch.” Sarah turns threateningly to face Kling, but the small defender has already bolted ahead.

“Get back here, pipsqueak!” Sarah yells as she takes off after her. Tobin shakes her head in disbelief when suddenly she feels a drop of water land on her face.

She stops abruptly and looks up to the sky. The clouds are dark and only seem to be growing darker. It’s only a matter of time before the storm comes. And by the looks of it, the clouds are brewing another bad one tonight. A conflicted expression grows on Tobin’s face, but before she has a moment to think about it, she’s being beckoned.

“Yo, Tobs!” Sarah yells from in front of the doors of the residence hall, apparently having captured Kling in a headlock again, “You coming?”

“Yeah!” Tobin yells back after taking one last look at the sky, “I’m coming!”

Christen settles into a creaky wooden seat in front of an equally creaky wooden table. While she prefers to study in her room just for the sake of convenience, she’s recently discovered a secluded study spot in the library that is ideal for getting work done. It’s tucked cozily behind of row of bookshelves in the archived newspaper section, so the likelihood of someone bothering her here is slim.

She reaches into her backpack and pulls out all of her studying materials. Her laptop, notebooks, folders, textbooks, and hell, even a protractor. Not that she needs one exactly, but should the situation ever present itself, you can bet you ass that she’ll be prepared. Finally, she reaches for her phone and silences it, determined to have no distractions. She checks the time one last time before diving into her studies. 6:19pm. If I stay focused, I can probably get out of here in a couple of hours.

Christen takes one determined breath before cracking open her textbook yet again. Her eyes easily scan the page, though her eyelids grow heavier with every passing word.

“Hey Tobs, you wanna pass the chips?” Kling asks from her position on one of the beanbag chairs. Tobin mindlessly reaches to the desk across from her and tosses the bag to her roommate. “Thanks bud, you’re a lifesaver.”

“I can’t believe you’re hungry again, we just ate less than an hour ago” Tobin comments as her eyes remain on the television screen. Kling has some ridiculous reality TV show on right now, but Tobin would much rather distract herself with that than think about what’s actually on her mind.

“I’m always hungry, it’s called an ‘athlete’s metabolism’” Kling states as she crunches a crisp potato chip in her mouth.

“It’s a fast track to heart disease is what it is” Tobin corrects, tossing her mini soccer ball back and forth between her hands as she lounges on the futon.

“Well I’m sorry mom” Kling sassily retorts, “The store was fresh out of kale chips.”

“Do you ever eat anything that isn’t a chip?” Tobin asks, genuinely perplexed by her roommate’s eating habits.

“Not until I’m old and gray and all my teeth are gone” Kling declares as she shovels another handful of potato product into her face.

“Well that shouldn’t be too far off considering all the sugar you consume” Tobin states as Kling throws a chip at her. It goes far right and lands over by the window. “You better clean that up because I’m sure as hell not going to.”

“Whoops, it must have somehow slipped my mind that you’re a dietetics major, my bad. Oh wait, that’s right you’re not, you’re a communications major. Stick to what you know, Heath” Kling advises, tossing another chip at Tobin. This time she hits her right between the eyes.

“Hey! Stop being a pest!” Tobin warns, raising her soccer ball above her head, ready to chuck it at Kling. Kling raises another potato chip, accepting the challenge.

“Stop judging me for what I eat” Kling counters, raising an eyebrow. The two girls engage in a brief stare down before they each lower their weapons.

“Fine” Tobin eventually agrees, “Let’s just go back to watching this lame show now.”

“If you don’t like it, we can watch something else” Kling offers, picking up the remote and beginning to flip through channels, “Do you have any preferences?”

“Nah, whatever you want to watch is fine” Tobin airily replies, not really caring one way or the other. Kling shrugs and devotes the remainder of her attention to the TV.

“Oh!” Kling exclaims once she comes across something she likes, “She’s the Man is on! Fuck yeah.”

Tobin’s heart races as she’s suddenly transported back to that one movie night earlier on in the semester. The night that Christen first came over. The night that the two of them sat together on the very futon that she’s sitting on right now. The night that she walked Christen back to her room and nearly kissed her, just like she had been unable to keep herself from thinking about all along. Tobin closes her eyes and remembers the courage she had in that moment, the certainty that Christen felt the same way. But then she remembers how Christen pulled away and prevented it from happening. And only now a thought dawns on her that maybe that was never what Christen wanted at all. Maybe Tobin had just fabricated the whole thing in her mind because she was so infatuated with the girl across the hall. And maybe Tobin screwed everything up because she let her own desire control her, and she put Christen in an impossible position.

“Not this” Tobin mutters remorsefully as she watches Amanda Bynes’ character, Viola, watch helplessly as her crush, Duke, stares longingly at another girl, completely oblivious to Viola’s existence. “Anything but this.”

“But you love this movie!” Kling excitedly points out. She turns her head over her shoulder to sneak a peek at her roommate, only to find Tobin staring sadly through the door and in the direction of room 318. “You should talk to her” Kling advises after a moment. Tobin snaps her gaze from out the door to her friend on the beanbag chair.

“Who?” she asks, jolted out of her trance.

“You know who” Kling declares as she gives Tobin a knowingly look. Tobin sighs.

“I can’t, I think it might be too late for that” Tobin admits, and her eyes show that she whole-heartedly believes that.

“Tobin” Kling states firmly, “You’ve got nothing to lose if you try, and everything to lose if you don’t.” Tobin lets Kling’s advice soak in, though she doesn’t respond. Instead, a breaking news weather alert interrupts the movie. A red and white ‘News Team 7’ graphic appears on the TV as a male meteorologist begins to speak.

“Our radar shows that there’s a potential severe storm moving in from the northwest. We can expect high winds and heavy rains, so we ask all viewers to seek shelter and stay inside for the remainder of the evening. As of this moment, the entire viewing area is under a Severe Storm Warning.”

“Shit, I am so happy I don’t have to go out in that tonight.” Kling comments as she grabs her bag of chips from the floor and settles back to face the screen.

Tobin glances out the window with a look of concern. The storm clouds float ominously overhead.

“Attention: The library will be closing in a few minutes due to severe weather conditions. We ask that all occupants evacuate the library at this time.”

Christen snaps her head up from its position on top of her textbook as the voice of the intercom blares throughout the library. She glances around notices that the only other people in her area have already left. She wipes at the corner of her mouth and finds a hint of drool. Shit, did I fall asleep?

She looks down to the page number in her textbook and finds it on a page only 12 pages from where she started when she initially sat down. She reaches for her phone and notices the time. 9:32pm. Dammit, I did fall asleep! And I hardly got any studying done. Come on, Christen, it’s like you’re trying to fail.

“I repeat, the library will be closing in a few minutes due to severe weather conditions. We ask that all occupants of the library evacuate at this time. Thank you and travel safe. That is all.”

Christen somberly rises from her seat and collects her study materials into her backpack. She pushes in her chair and slides her backpack over her shoulders before walking to the stairs.

Once she makes it to the main floor, she notices the torrential down pour falling in sheets outside. She curses herself for not bothering to check the weather before she left, before pulling her phone from her jacket pocket and dialing Kelley’s number. Her phone rings for a few seconds. Come on, Kelley, pick up. It continues ringing for a few more seconds. Kelley, please. I need a ride. The phone rings one last time before going to voice mail. Dammit.

The lights of the main floor begin to shut off, starting from the back and working their way to the front. Christen knows that staying at the library any longer is no longer an option, so she grabs her umbrella makes her way to the door. I’m just gonna have to tough it out on my own.

Tobin glances over to Kling as a loud boom of thunder sounds from the violent sky. Despite the sheer force of the storm, Kling sleeps soundly on the beanbag chair, not stirring one bit. A flash of lightning appears in the sky, and what would normally cause Tobin unceasing amusement now causes her concern. After debating it for hours, Tobin stands and makes her way over to the door. This whole situation has been a complete and utter mess, but she’s prepared to swallow her pride if the girl that she has feelings for needs her. And even if it turns out that Christen doesn’t want to see her at all, at least she can rest easy knowing that she tried, and that she can protect her should Christen ever need her to.

So Tobin exits her room and arrives in front of room 318. Normally she isn’t this nervous to knock on the door, in fact she’s usually quite excited, but tonight, under the current circumstances, she almost loses her nerve. Finally, she takes one long breath before mustering up the strength to knock on the door. She waits a few moments, but no one answers. She knocks again, and more of the same. Tobin sighs, knowing very well that Christen could be inside, purposely avoiding her, but she can’t walk away without Christen knowing that she’s there if she needs her, so Tobin decides to speak.

“Hello? Christen?” She begins. She waits a beat or two to see if this alone will solicit a reply, but she soon finds that it doesn’t. Tobin sighs before continuing. “Christen, look, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but I just want you to know that I’m here if you need me tonight. I know what I did was stupid and impulsive, and trust me, I would take it back if I could, but I don’t want that to stop us from being friends. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, hell, I don’t know if I would either if I were in your shoes, but I hope that you can at least try. Because I’m willing to try if you’ll let me. If you don’t want any kind of romantic future with me, I’ll completely respect that. I won’t let my feelings get in the way of my good judgement again. I won’t let my feelings hurt you again. Because I swear to God, that’s the last thing I ever want to do. So if you let me in right now, we don’t have to talk or look at each other or do anything, I just want to be here for you if I can.” Tobin finishes almost breathlessly, impatiently awaiting a reply. When she doesn’t get one, she can feel herself getting worked up. “Can you at least let me know if you’re alright? I can leave if you want, I just need to know – ”

“Tobin?” a voice calls from down the hallway, “What are you talking to my door?” Tobin quickly turns her head and notices Kelley walking her way wrapped in a towel and carrying her shower supplies.

“I was, I was just uh…” Tobin begins, suddenly anxious to be caught in a slightly vulnerable state. “I was just looking for Christen. If she’s in there, can you please let her know that I want to speak to her?”

“Christen’s not here” Kelley simply replies as she brushes her dripping hair over one shoulder and unlocks her door. When it’s open, Tobin peers over her shoulder and notices that the room is indeed empty.

“Where is she?” Tobin quickly asks, not even giving Kelley a chance to step into her room.

“She went to the library, but that was a few hours ago.” Kelley shrugs, walking into her room and flipping on the light. “She could be anywhere right now.”

“Anywhere? Are you sure she didn’t mention where else she might be?” Tobin questions with a renewed intensity.

“All she mentioned was the library, other than that I have about as good of a guess as you” Kelley explains. She eyes Tobin curiously before giving her a quizzical look. “Why do you look like you’re about to be sick?” Tobin snaps her gaze from the ground back to Kelley.

“I just need to find her, to make sure she’s alright” Tobin replies earnestly. Kelley’s eyebrows furrow.

“Why wouldn’t she be alright?” Kelley asks, confused as to what Tobin could possibly mean by that.

“Never mind” Tobin shakes her head dismissively, “I’ll just try calling her. But if she comes back here, could you please have her get a hold of me?”

“Sure, Tobs, I can do that” Kelley nods, though she inspects Tobin carefully as she still tries to figure her out.

“Thanks, Kelley” Tobin replies, “I’ll see you later.”

And with that, Tobin walks further down the hall and pulls out her phone, immediately calling Christen. It rings a total of four times before Tobin is greeted with a familiar voice.

“Hey, this is Christen.”

Tobin feels a rush a relief flow throughout her body.

“Hey Christen, it’s Tobin. Where are you right now? I’m not trying to bother you, I just want to make sure that you’re – ”

“…Unfortunately I’m unable to take your call right now. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

Tobin’s heart sinks.

Christen battles not only the elements, but also her own fear and repressed memories as she battles through the rain and wind along a campus sidewalk. Drops of water pelt her skin and the wind is so strong that it already blew her umbrella away a few blocks back. But the forces of nature are not the true cause of her pain. What’s really hurting her is the storm raging on in her mind.

Don’t go back to that night. You can get through this, you can make it… No you can’t, this is JUST like that night. When everything happened so fast… NO, stop! Don’t think about it, don’t go back there… But it’s so similar… Fight it… the conditions are exactly the same… I’m not that far away from safety, if I keep pushing, I can make it… But I might not… I won’t.

Tears fill Christen’s eyes as memories that she’s tried so hard to get past, fight to the surface. They’re too strong for her to repress anymore. The rampaging weather helps to overpower any strength that she has left. Before she knows it, she collapses under a small tree, her backpack falling beside her and her drenched clothes weighing her down. Right before she succumbs to the dominant force of her haunted memory she has one thought.

I don’t want to be alone.

Tobin strides down the hall and peers into any open doorway that she can find. Eventually she finds herself in front of room 311. As she peers in, she spots Ali and Ashlyn, but no Christen. Ali looks up from her spot on her loveseat and notices Tobin standing in the doorway.

“Hey Tobin, what’s up?” Ali cheerily greets, happy to see and familiar face.

“Yeah hey, Tobs, long time no see!” Ashlyn adds, waving to her friend, “You should come in! When was the last time the three of us hung out?”

“Have you seen Christen?” Tobin frantically blurts out, not even bothering to waste time with a simple ‘Hello.’ Ashlyn frowns.

“No, I can’t say that I have” she informs as she turns to Ali. “What about you, babe? Have you seen Christen anywhere?” Ali slowly shakes her head.

“No, not since we ran into each other in the bathroom after practice” Ali admits apologetically. Tobin visibly deflates as her grip on the doorframe momentarily grows tighter. “It’s getting kind of late so I’m sure she’ll show up soon” Ali reassures, “You can hang out here with us while you wait if you want.”

“There’s still a few places that I haven’t checked yet” Tobin graciously declines, “But thanks anyway for the offer.” Tobin turns to leave, but Ashlyn pipes up again before she’s out of sight.

“Wait!” Ashlyn exclaims, causing Tobin to quickly return to the room. “I heard Alex say that she and some people are planning on hanging out in the basement lounge tonight, maybe she’s with them.” Tobin nods, grateful for this new information, and hastily departs.

Christen shudders as she curls up on the soggy grass beside the sidewalk as water pools around her. The sky explodes over her as she continues to be soaked with unrelenting rain. She trembles as she works to pull herself beneath a small tree, seeking the only available shelter that she can get to in her current state. She shivers as her body begins to lose heat, and all too soon, she’s brought back to the night that she’s been desperately trying to erase from memory.

Lightning flashes over head as Christen drives the family Mazda down a stretch of empty road. The only other vehicle present is the car in front of her. And although the driver is moving as slow as a turtle in quicksand, she’s grateful to not be the only other car out on the road.

She’s on her way home from a friend’s house where she and her friend Julie spent the night having one of their notorious ‘girls night in’s. Christen smiles as she thinks about the evening’s events. They made cookies, watched a handful of the cheesiest movies that they could find, and gossiped about the latest happenings in their love lives – predominantly about Julie’s huge crush on Zach, a star football player on the school’s team.

Christen’s windshield wipers pump vigorously across the windshield as the rain pours down. Christen isn’t fazed at all though, she’s a capable driver confident in her abilities come hell or high water. The car in front of her pumps the brakes every time the road has a curve. Christen figures it’s probably out of fear of hydroplaning. It doesn’t happen too often in this area, but the driver’s ed teachers at school make it sound like it’s a much more frequent issue than it actually is.

As a few booms of thunder ring out over the sky, Christen decides to take the time to turn on the radio. Might as well listen to some tunes if her trip home is taking a lot longer than she thought it would. Just as she’s looking down and fumbling with the knob for the radio, another vibrant flash of lighting illuminates the sky. However, the sound that follows is not even close to thunder, it’s the unmistakable sound of metal crumbling and glass shattering.

Christen instinctively looks up and to her horror, she sees a tree on top of the front end of the car in front of her. She slams on the brakes and brings the car to a halt. Without a second thought, Christen shifts into park, grabs her phone, and bounds out of the vehicle.

The rain slams against her body as she cautiously nears the car in front of her. And as she approaches the driver’s side of the car, she finds lots of shards of glass and blood pooling around her feet. She glances through the window and sees an unconscious man leaning limply against his deployed airbag. Christen takes in a sharp breath upon witnessing the sight. Her heart pounds so loud in her ears that she can barely hear her own thoughts.

“Sir? Sir?!” Christen yells to the man, but refrains from touching him for fear of hurting him even more. The man doesn’t move, so Christen does the only other thing she can think to do and dials 911. The emergency responder picks up and asks her a series of questions. Christen’s mind is all over the place the only response that she can give to any of them is that there’s been an accident and that the man is unresponsive. The operator assures her that responders will be there soon, as Christen just continues to look at the man. She can’t look away. He looks so fragile and helpless that it pains Christen that she can’t do anything else to help him. But as she thinks that, the man groans and weakly lifts his head. He makes eye contact with Christen and she can see that he’s in a lot of pain. Wordlessly, the man offers his trembling hand to Christen and she takes it without a moment’s hesitation. While he sits there in agony, and Christen observes in overwhelming trepidation, they hold each other’s hand.

Tobin hustles down the stairs and pushes through the doors to the basement lounge. She scans the room and finds that the area is more populated than usual. Some people are gathered around the pool tables, apparently caught up in a heated game. Others are situated at tables, drinking coffee and typing away on their laptops. And finally, a group of people surround the large television, watching some European soccer match. On a couch in that area of the room is where Tobin spots Alex and Sarah. Tobin weaves her way through various students before she arrives in front of the two.

“Sup, Tobs. You here to watch the game?” Sarah asks as her teammate stands above her.

“No, I’m looking for Christen” Tobin curtly replies, “Is she here?” Tobin looks around and scans the room some more. Her neck cranes every so often in an attempt peek around some of the taller students. Alex and Sarah exchange a worried look.

“No, Tobs, she’s not here” Alex remorsefully informs. She takes a moment to look Tobin up and down. What she sees in front of her isn’t the Tobin she’s used to. This Tobin looks frazzled and stressed and as though she’s battling to maintain her composure – a stark contrast to the happy-go-lucky Tobin that she’s used to hanging out with every day. “Hey, are you alright? Maybe you should sit down.” Tobin stops searching the room, fruitless in her efforts, and directs her gaze back to Alex.

“No” she shakes her head, “I can’t, there’s no time for that.”

“What do you mean ‘no time’?” Sarah asks, a look of befuddlement on her face. Another menacing roar of thunder sounds from outside and several college students around the room let out a wave of ‘ooohs.’ Tobin feels herself being coerced back into action.

“I have to go find Christen” Tobin starts as she can no longer handle being in a place where Christen isn’t. “If she comes back to the building, please let me know.” Tobin begins to walk away from her friends as she sets her eyes on the exit.

“‘Back to the building’? Tobin, you can’t go out in weather like this, it’s too – ” Alex warns. Tobin swiftly turns around to face her again.

“I have to” she declares with a certain amount of zeal in her voice that Alex is positive she’s never heard from Tobin before. Tobin stares into Alex’s eyes for a brief moment, only long enough to convey how important it is to find Christen. Alex nods and Tobin turns back towards the exits.

“Be careful!” Alex calls after her as Tobin disappears among the sea of students.

Lightning continues to rip through the sky with reckless abandon. Christen clenches her teeth every time, her heart continuing to race as she stands vulnerable to the storm. She still holds the man’s hand as he groans in the car beside her. Between Christen’s shear amount of fear and adrenaline pumping through her veins and the man’s excruciating pain, she can’t tell which of them is gripping the other’s hand tighter.

“It’s ok, help is coming, they’ll be here soon” Christen tries to reassure the man, though her voice waivers as she trembles, “You’ll be ok.”

Her eyes move to the front end of the vehicle. She inspects the crumbled heap of metal as what is either smoke or steam emits from it. Her gaze travels over to the tree situated on the car. It’s huge and thick and must weigh an absolute ton. She follows it down to its base and finds that the roots are exposed. The shear strength of the storm caused such a sturdy tree to fall over like a domino.

Christen’s wet hair whips against her face as the overpowering wind rushes past. Her cheeks sting and ache. She feels so helpless and alone, and like the only thing tethering here in place is the hand of the battered man beside her.

She squints over the horizon and soon notices the dull blue and red flashing lights of a police car approaching. As it grows nearer, the lights grow more blinding and the sound of sirens waft through the air. Hopeful, a stained smile reaches her face.

“They’re here” Christen urgently informs the man, “Help is here.”

The squad car rolls to a stop just in front of the weather-beaten vehicle and two officers emerge from the doors. They quickly trot over and Christen is talking to them before they’ve fully arrived.

“A tree blew over and landed on his car” Christen rapidly explains as the officers arrive at her side and peer into the vehicle to inspect the man. “He’s conscious now but in a great deal of pain. I don’t know how badly he’s injured.” The cops nod as they continue inspecting the car. One of them reports something in the radio on his shoulder and the other addresses the man.

“Sir? Can you hear me?” the officer asks as the man only groans in pain. He squeezes christen’s hand again and she nods to the cop. “We’re going to get you out of here, alright? Just hang tight a little while longer and we’ll get you help.”

A firetruck and an ambulance soon arrive to the scene. Several firefighters emerge from the truck. Some work to quickly unload supplies while others go to the car to inspect its state and to make sure that the smoke bellowing from the engine presents no immediate danger. Firefighters with large power tools, ones Christen’s never seen before, walk to the driver’s side of the car, beside Christen and the cop. The cop turns to Christen as the firefighters prepare to use the tools.

“Alright, miss” he calmly informs, “We’re going to need you to stand clear.” Christen nods as she slowly pulls her hand away from the man in the car. Her hand aches as she does and once contact is lost, the man groans even louder. The firefighters begin to work on the car’s frame as the cop with the radio leads her away.

As she stands on the side of the road, she can’t take her eyes off of the scene as the firefighters and recently arrived officers work to free the man from his metal cage. After the loud screeches of the power tools and several sparks flow through the air, the firefighters finally pull the door from the car. The paramedics waste no time wheeling a gurney over to the vehicle. Christen watches with bated breath as they carefully maneuver the man’s body from the vehicle. Once they have him all strapped into the gurney, they quickly wheel it back over to the ambulance and load the man inside. Several paramedics surround him barking out orders as the back doors finally close. The ambulance takes off blaring its siren, and within minutes, it’s completely out of sight.

“Miss, are you hurt?” one of the officers asks her now that she’s no longer distracted by the scene in front of her.

“No” Christen shakes her head, “I don’t think so.” The cop looks her up and down before pointing down to her feet.

“You’re leg is bleeding” he informs. Christen looks down only to find a small trail of blood oozing from her ankle. She must have grazed a shard of glass at some point, but only now does she feel the abrasion on her skin. “Come on” the cop gestures as he leads her over to the firetruck, “We’ll get that taken care of. In the meantime, do you think you can tell me what exactly happened here tonight?” Christen nods and takes a seat on the truck. A paramedic wraps a blanket over her shoulders and tends to her wound. The officer stands next to her with a small notepad at the ready. Christen glances back to the crumpled vehicle once more, and with a moment of realization, she grasps that it could have easily been her in the back of an ambulance tonight.

Tobin sprints down the sidewalk as her feet pound against the damp concrete. Her arms pump vigorously on her route to the library. It’s a rash decision to search here, but the library is her last lead so she powers forward at top speed. Her head is on a constant swivel as she cuts through the rain, making sure to inspect every area that she passes on the off chance that Christen is there.

She’s only a mere few blocks from the dorm now and the rain seeps into her eyes, partially blurring her vision. She thanks her years of playing soccer in the rain for preparing her for this, no matter how foolish it may seem. For all Tobin knows, Christen could be seated comfortably in a different building, studying to heart’s content and purposely not heeding any of Tobin’s calls. Or she could be hanging out with another friend and be simply caught up in all the fun she’s having without her neighbor. Or she could be out here, trapped in the storm and on her own. Each of these scenarios seem equally as likely to Tobin, but for some reason, the last one is the one that she worries the most about. She has this nagging feeling that she should be out here, searching, that she can’t ignore.

There is a lot of debris scattered through the normally well-groomed landscape, victim to the storm’s harsh winds. However, as Tobin passes one tree in particular, a red object caught in its branches catches her eye. She approaches the tree and tries to get a better look. After only a few seconds, she recognizes that it’s an umbrella. An umbrella that looks awfully similar to Christen’s. Tobin’s pulse speeds up as she takes the clue as a confirmation of her fear.

Christen is out here.

Christen curls herself into a ball to try to maintain the heat that still remains in her body. Her clothes are saturated with water as the rain continues to fall. Her limbs feel heavy and weak, and the wind smothers any attempt of her trying to regain her strength and rise to her feet. The branches over her sway and creak, giving Christen the ominous sensation that it’s only a matter of time before one falls. She sloshes to her side, reaching for her backpack. It might not have a lot in it, but surely it can offer her some sort of protection. She pulls it around her back and positions it slightly above her head.

Lightning strikes and she’s paralyzing still. Thunder booms and her bones tremble. She bows her head, desperate for some sort of saving grace to rescue her from this miserable place. She begins to pray. Please God, let me get out of this. Just show me a way out, that’s all I need.

The wind gusts pick up in intensity and push and pull her every which way. Her backpack jostles in the air current and she assumes of firmer grip of the shoulder straps. Please.

Another flash of lightning illuminates the dark night, and the thunder that follows shakes her very core. Up above, Christen is sure that she hears a branch snap, so she lunges to her side and waits for it to fall. When she doesn’t feel it connect with the ground, she looks up and sees that it got caught among the other branches on its way down. She sighs a breath of relief as she looks back out over the street. But as she does, she spots something that wasn’t there before. It’s a moving figure, what appears to be another person running through the rain. Christen perks up, her adrenaline spiking. This could be my chance.

“Hey!” Christen yells, mustering all of her strength, “Hey! Over here!”

The figure keeps on going however, apparently unaware of Christen’s cries. So Christen tries again, more fervently this time.

“Over here! Please, I need your help!”

The figure still doesn’t notice and Christen feels her spirit starting to sink. Please notice me. Please help.

One giant bolt of lightning electrifies the sky, so much so that a million tiny bolts diverge from it. The boom that follows is nearly sonic and could probably blow an eardrum. The figure stops running to cover their ears, completely taken off-guard by the blast. As the large sound fades, they straighten up and take a moment to survey the area. Christen seizes the opportunity as another chance to be rescued.

“Hey!” Christen screams, waving her hands violently over her head, “Please help!”

The figure looks around, seemingly curious about something. They finally stop searching when they face Christen’s direction and see the frail girl waving. Without a moment of hesitation, the figure bounds over, rapidly making their way to Christen. Thank God, oh thank God.

As the figure is just a few feet away from her, Christen squints. If she didn’t know any better, she would think that she was dreaming. They look exactly like Tob–

“Christen?” the figure asks with a voice that Christen knows all too well. Oh my god. It really is her.

“Tobin?” Christen replies, equally bewildered. Tobin takes a moment to survey Christen’s body, her face laced with concern. The poor girl’s shaking like a leaf.

“Are you hurt? Did something happen?” Tobin frantically asks, immediately kneeling at Christen’s side.

“I just” Christen starts, a mixture of emotions bubbling up inside of her, “I just need to get away from here.” Tobin nods and rises to her feet again.

“Can you walk?” she asks, inspecting Christen once again. Christen looks into her eyes, eyes that are filled to the brim with such concern and compassion. They give her strength, they cause her blood to rush through veins. They finally make her feel safe again.

“Yeah” Christen responds with a renewed confidence in her voice, “With some help.” Tobin wastes no time pulling Christen to her feet and wrapping an arm around her waist. Christen throws an arm over Tobin’s shoulders and the two quickly navigate their way through the storm.

Christen and Tobin emerge through the doors and enter the darkened Main Lobby. It’s completely empty with only the emergency exit lights to illuminate the space. The storm must have blown the power out.

Tobin helps Christen to a nearby couch and sits beside her. Both are panting heavily and both shiver as stray water droplets trail over their bodies.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Tobin asks, putting a supportive hand on Christen’s shoulder. Christen’s body shakes under her touch, the girl’s skin feels like ice. “You’re freezing” Tobin points out as Christen just nods, “Here, come here.” Tobin pulls Christen close to her and lets the girl settle against her skin. Both of her arms wrap around Christen’s body and she begins to rub up and down Christen’s back.

They stay silent for a few moments as Christen absorbs some of Tobin’s body heat.

“Hey” Tobin finally breaks the silence, “Listen, I know this is kind of a weird time to say this, but I just want to tell you that I’m sorry.” Christen raises her eyebrows, confused as to what Tobin is talking about.

“What do you mean?” Christen asks, waiting for Tobin to continue. Tobin sighs but proceeds rubbing her hands over Christen’s back.

“I mean” Tobin starts again, “I’m sorry about everything that happened between us. I’m sorry that I messed everything up.” Tobin’s eyes look the most regretful than Christen’s ever seen them. They look pained and remorseful and all-around apologetic. And as always, something that Christen has admired about Tobin since the day she met her, they look sincere. It causes Christen’s heart to simultaneously break and flutter.

“No, Tobin, you don’t have to – ” Christen starts, but Tobin continues.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t respect you as a friend and that I tried to force you into something that you didn’t want.” Tobin’s eyes water, and so do Christen’s.

“Tobin, hey, it’s alrigh– ”

“And I’m sorry for betraying you.” Tobin squeaks as her voice cracks and her bottom lip trembles. “That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do to you, Christen, and I –”

Christen abruptly leans forward and connects Tobin’s lips with her own, effectively preventing her from saying another word. Tobin’s hands freeze on Christen’s back as their lips find each other for the first time. Christen can’t believe how good the sensation of Tobin’s lips on her own feel, but just as she begins to savor it, a bright flash of lightning lights up the room. Startled, Christen jumps back, ending their kiss. Tobin looks wide eyed and stunned, and only now does Christen realize that Tobin didn’t kiss her back. Oh shit, what have I done?!

Christen hops up from the couch, searching the room desperately for the exit.

“Tobin, I’m so sorry” she rambles out in a panic, “I shouldn’t have – ” Tobin jumps to her feet and grabs Christen by the wrist.

“Christen” Tobin mutters, trying to get her attention. It goes over Christen’s head though, she’s already spiraling down the rabbit hole.

“I shouldn’t have done that. After everything we’ve been through, I shouldn’t have done –”

“Bet” she declares, not loosening her grip on Christen’s wrist in the slightest. Christen whirls around, completely confused.

“What?” Christen asks in a small voice. Tobin locks eyes with her and stares at her with intense passion.

“I’m calling in our bet” Tobin informs as her chest heavily rises and falls with each breath. “From that night that we went to dinner with your family. I’m calling in the bet.” Christen studies her face but she still can’t decipher what Tobin means by all this.

“Tobin, I don’t understand. What do you want?” Christen asks, flabbergasted but drawn to Tobin’s words.

“I want you to kiss me how you really want to” Tobin explains, “No more holding back, no more second guesses. Just kiss me. Really kiss me.”

Christen takes a moment to consider Tobin’s words as she looks at the girl in front of her. The one that’s been there for her since day one. The one that thinks everything is a competition. The one that’s a total distraction in class. The one that whines when all the pizza is gone. The one that forgets her soccer boots in her room. The one that makes terrible jokes. The one that makes the best jokes. The one that needs a good luck kiss every now and again. The one that makes her laugh. The one that makes her cry. The one that makes her feel a certain way that no one else ever has before.

The one.

With teary eyes, Christen lunges forward and captures Tobin’s lips in her own once again. Even though she’s only done this with Tobin just one time before, it feels so familiar. And so, so right. Their lips move in tandem and as they kiss each other with such intensity and such passion. It’s like they’re trying to convey to the other what they’ve each been afraid to say this whole time. Tobin’s arms snake around Christen’s waist and pull her impossibly closer. Christen wraps her arms around Tobin’s neck holds her tight. And they really kiss each other.

Lightning strikes again, but they don’t dare separate.