The Things She Left Behind
Audrey turned the lid of the pink porcelain container over in her hands, letting the rough parts on the bottom of it scratch lightly against her skin, and tracing the glossy rose design with the pad of her thumb. She sighed, reaching out towards her bedside table, where the bottom half of the container sat, and placing the lid beside the bottom. This small, pink, porcelain bowl was all she had left of Rachel, it was all she could take without Rachel’s parents noticing, they didn’t want Audrey to have anything, they really never wanted to see her ever again. To put it bluntly, they hated her, they thought that their poor, precious Rachel had been condemned by Audrey, and that Audrey simply used Rachel as toy to occupy her time. Which was never true, she had loved Rachel, hell, she still loved Rachel, even when she was sitting six feet under ground, rotting.
Audrey shook her head, trying to clear it, she hated thinking about Rachel like that, she preferred to remember her smiling, or giggling at some stupid joke that Audrey had made. She missed Rachel more than she missed anyone else in her life, more than she missed her mom, who was going through chemo in another state, more than Emma, who was off at therapy, and almost never picked up the phone when anyone other than Kieran called. Rachel was above everyone, even other people that had passed, Her late grandma, uncle, and Piper. Yes, she missed Piper, well, she missed the Piper she thought she knew, the one that had told her that she wasn’t a monster, not the Piper that had turned out to be the person she was afraid of becoming.
“I'm so sorry Rachel.” She said, voice wavering and breaking, “I-I got you killed, and I don’t even have the guts to confess it to anyone.” She buried her head in her hands, biting back at tears as they pricked at the corners of her eyes. Her gaze shifted back to the container, thinking about what it held, the main reason she had stolen it. Even in life, Rachel hadn’t wanted her parents to know that she cut herself, and even though they had found out via the autopsy, she doubted that Rachel's would’ve wanted her parents to see the blades she had dug into her forearm with. So, Audrey took them, she knew that she probably didn’t have to take the entire container, but she really wanted something of Rachel’s, even if her parents almost found out that she was the one who took them.
She took a deep breath, lifting her head up slowly, and moving her now red eyes in the general direction of the fancy porcelain, she stretched her hand towards the container, hesitating when she reached it. Any sense of self worth that she still had was killed when she shot Piper, when she found out that she was reason that all these people had died, and that she had ruined the lives of everyone she cared about. With that thought in mind, she carefully pulled one of the two razors out from the jar, holding it between her pointer finger and her thumb, letting the end puncture the skin on her thumb slightly, something she could easily pass off as a simple paper cut. She turned in over in her fingers a few times, letting the dim lighting in her bedroom glint off the sides and reflect on the wall to her right.
Slowly, she slipped her hand under the elastic wrist of her leather jacket, and pushed it up to a point just above her elbow, letting the fabric rub against her soft skin. She twirled between her fingers a couple times, before lining up the sharp end of the blade to the same place that she’d seen Rachel’s scars, a place she constantly checked to make sure that she was alright. A short, bitter laugh escaped her throat at that, she practically checked Rachel’s wrists everyday she saw her, and if she ever found a new scar, she would hold and comfort her until she told her why she had hurt herself. Only, she was the person that needed to be checked on now, and she had no one to do it, and she didn’t deserve it.
Audrey pushed razor into her skin before she could think anything else, trying to push the self loathing thoughts from her mind, and cutting herself seemed to do that perfectly. She glided it slowly side to side across her skin, letting her mind go blank, and focus on the blood creeping down her bare arm. She winced slightly when she pressed down farther, and pulled the bloody blade out of her, only to position it a few centimeters below the last cut, and press it back in. She closed her eyes, moving the blade blindly to new place, and driving it through her skin, finally letting the tears that she had been biting back spill, and not bothering to wipe the tear track from her face.
She was just about to move the razor again, when her phone chirped, signaling that she had gotten a new text message. Her hands slipped in surprise, pushing the blade halfway into her arm, which caused her to cry out in unexpected pain, and peel her wet eyes open, blinking the tears out of her eyes so that she could see. Shaky hands pulled the razor out of her arm, and wiping it on her gray shirt to get the blood off, trying to get rid of any evidence that she had done this. She threw the razor back into the porcelain container, letting it clank against the side, as she rushed to pick the top up and place it gently on the top. She breathed out, pulling her sleeve down to back where it was supposed to rest on her wrist, running a slightly bloody hand through her hair as she looked around to locate her phone. She found it wrapped in blankets beside her, the screen was shining, and a new notification flashed onscreen, it was just her dad, telling her that he wasn’t going to be able to make it home tonight. Typical. He had scared the shit out of her though, because if she got caught doing this, she would be able to explain it, especially since her dad would definitely go ask Noah what was upsetting her, and that would just worry Noah as well.
She typed ‘rachelsgirl’ into the phone as it demanded a passcode, clicking the ‘messages’ icon on-screen, her eyes searched the short list of names, ‘Noah’, ‘Emma’, ‘Jake’, ‘Brooke’, ‘Kieran’, ‘Dad’ ... and, ‘Rachel’. Her breath hitched as she read her name, she hadn;t been able to delete it, actually, she would text it constantly, using it as a way to talk to Rachel, even though in heart, she knew that Rachel was gone. Audrey pulled her lip between her teeth, letting her hand hover over ‘Dad’, before sighing and clicking on ‘Rachel’ instead. The whole screen was full of texts from her, she scrolled back up, reaching the point that they last spoke via text, with a simple, yet heartbreaking, ‘I love you, Audrey.” sent by , three hours before she died. Everything after that was just Audrey in a one sided conversation.
Audrey shook her head, switching to the chat with her father, and skimming over what was apparently supposed to be an apology, but it seemed more like an excuse. She didn't bother reading it fully, she just replied ‘It's all fine Dad, see you in the morning.’ this reply had become incredibly uniform, since her dad barely ever came home anymore, spending practically every second of his life with his “friend”, Wendy. Audrey wasn't stupid, not that her father believed that, but she was actually incredibly smart, maybe it was Noah rubbing off on her. Although, even an idiot could see what was going in between the two of them, but Audrey didn't want to tell her mom, she was dealing with enough already. She figured that distressing her mother was probably the last thing she needed at this point.
Audrey hopped off of her bed, moving swiftly towards her bathroom door, which was sitting slightly agar across the room, with the light on, letting a sliver of bright light in the otherwise dim room. She pushed the door open when she reached it, letting it swing, which caused a great amount of squeaking from the hinges. Cringing slightly at the sound, she made a mental note to tell Noah about that later, maybe the two of them could go out and buy some oil to fix it with.
She peeled her jacket off slowly , which was now warm, wet, and sticky with blood on her left forearm, luckily, the jacket was black, and it was only on the fabric on the inside, so you wouldn’t be able to see it unless it was inside out, and you were really looking for it. Honestly, she could probably get most of it out if she tried hard enough, so she just set it on the bathroom counter, careful to not let the bloody sleeve touch the counter. She turned on the sink, letting the water run for few seconds, before sticking her forearm under it, trying to get most of the blood off of her arm, she angled her arm so that she could wash off the now watery blood that had pooled past where the water originally reached. Sighing, the pulled her arm out from underneath the water, but letting the water continue to run, so that she could wash the blood down the drain. She crossed the room, which was basically just a single step, to grab some toilet paper, she scrunched it up in her hand and placed it over the cuts. The paper slowly became dotted with blood, it was mesmerizing watching the deep red seep into the pure white.
A loud slam from somewhere below her knocked her out of her trance, the slam was accompanied by quick footsteps. The quick patter of feet grew louder against the wooden stairs as someone made their way upstairs. Audrey panicked, she was currently the only one home, so she had no idea who could be barreling upstairs. She grabbed the edge of the doorframe with her free hand, and shut the door quickly but quietly, not wanting who ever had intruded her house to know she was there. Her bathroom door didn't have a lock on it, so she braced the door with her elbow, and placed her ear against the cold wood so that she could hear who it was if they happened to come in her room. She sat there for a few seconds, getting increasingly worried at how loud her breathing was. The door to her bedroom flung open, and from what she could hear, slammed roughly into the wall, causing her to flinch and pull her ear away from the wall. Luckily, the intruder spoke his next words loud and clear.
“Audrey?” The voice was raspy, and muffled by the door between them, but it was very clearly Noah's voice. She slumped against the door, letting out a mixture of a sigh and a groan, of course it was Noah, he knew where they hid their spare key, she had showed him when her parents finally deemed it safe to have a spare key again. It was pretty well hidden, anyone who didn’t know how to get it would set off an alarm, courtesy of Noah. She pushed herself upright, sighing and running a hand through her short, dark hair.
“In here!” She called, trying to calm her heavy breathing, “Foster, you scared the crap out of me.” she added, not quite sure if it was loud enough for him to hear, but apparently it was, as he breathed out an apology. She reached her hand towards the doorknob, planning to give Noah the best bitchface that she could, when she spotted the bunched up toilet paper that was now sticking to her arm from the blood that was still seeping steadily out of her arm. So, instead of turning the bronze doorknob, she turned the lock that sat directly in the middle with a satisfying ‘click’. She peeled the toilet paper off her arm, dumping it into the toilet and pulling the roll of its mount on the wall, and tearing a piece off to clean some of the blood that didn’t get absorbed by the paper. Her movements were delicate, but quick as she wiped off the rest of the blood, dumped it in the toilet with the original toilet paper, and flushed it down. She the paced the roll on her arm, and began to twirl it around her forearm like a bandage, once, twice, three times, enough to cover her cuts a few times. She ripped the toilet paper off when she was sure that it was well covered.
The doorknob jiggled slightly as Noah evidently tried to open it from the other side of the door, causing him to ask “Audrey, why is the door locked?” which was quite a stupid question, in her opinion. She rolled her eyes dramatically, setting the toilet paper roll on the bathroom counter, next to the toilet, so it seemed like she was just too lazy to put it on the mount. She looked down at her hamper, with sat against the wall, roughly a quarter full of random pieces of clothing she hadn’t brought to the laundry room yet. She reached down and grabbed a dark red shirt with long sleeves, that way, if she did bleed through, it would be all that noticeable.
“I think you should definitely catch your breath dude, I’m using the bathroom, why wouldn’t I lock the door?” she asked incredulously, pulling on the red shirt quickly, but easing it on to her cut forearm, be careful to not disturb the toilet paper. Once she had made sure that the bandages didn’t get moved off when she pulled on the shirt, she turned on the sink letting it run for a while, to make it seem like she was washing her hands. She shut it off when she thought that it was long enough to be believable, and unlocked her bathroom door with another ‘click’, and pulled the door open, coming face-to-face with a very clearly elated Noah. He was practically jumping with joy, causing Audrey to lift an eyebrow at him, with only caused Noah to give her a tiny smile.
“So you haven’t heard then?” His smile grew into a toothy grin, Audrey just stared up at him, confusion written all over her face. She found her hand subconsciously crawling towards where she had cut herself before, and she forced it back by her side, not wanting to give NOah any clues as to what she had done. But, obviously hadn’t worked, as the next words out of his mouth were “You alright? You seem a bit... I dunno, pale I guess.” Her eyes immediately widened, as she felt panic coursing through her veins again.
“Dude, you just invaded my house, without telling me you were coming, only a few months after all of our friends were being murdered, you scared the shit out of me.” She wasn’t lying, but she wasn’t telling the whole truth either, Noah seemed convinced though, as a very guilty looked crossed his face. “Anyways, what are you so happy about? What happened, your podcast reach a new milestone in viewers or something?” she said, changing the subject as casually as she could, and as soon as she did, his face lit up.
“Very funny, but it’s actually something you’ll care about, Emma’s coming back! She has deemed herself stable enough to rejoin our little jamboree.” Audrey’s eyes widened again, this time with surprise, not panic. She felt a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, Emma and her had barely spoken since she went to therapy, she was finally going to see Emma again, and maybe, just maybe, she would be able to get over the overwhelming guilt that was constantly with her. Around everyone, Kieran, who lost his dad, Noah, who lost Riley, Brooke, who lost Nina, Will, and Riley, she watched the sad looks on their faces when people talked about someone who died, or when they saw something that reminded them of someone. The guilt was overwhelming, but It was always the worse when she thought about Emma, who now suffered from PTSD because of her, and that wasn’t going away, ever, Emma had lost the most during the attacks and should would never be able to go back to the way she lived. Maybe now, seeing Emma better, not healed, but better, would her overcome the feelings haunted her, the feeling that had her wondering if she deserved to die.
“That’s awesome Noah, but why do I have a feeling that you are more excited for a different reason.” She said, clearly referencing his podcast and the fact that he had been dying for an interview with Emma ever since he took over the podcast, as she crossed her arms in front her, a goofy smirk on her face. Noah chuckled, bringing up his hands in defense, and stepping on step back, with a goofy smile of his own. After a few seconds, he let his hands drop down by his sides, as she cocked her head to the side, waiting for an answer.
“Okay, okay, you got me, I really, really want an interview with her, I mean, she’s the person that Piper was obsessed with, It would be awesome to have her on it.” He replied defensively, only get an eye roll from an amused Audrey, who had actually helped him out quite a lot when it came to the podcast. She recorded things for the website, she helped him manage most of the website, helped keep the murderboard up-to-date, and was on the podcast many times, since she was always at his house anyway. She almost jumped out her skin when Noah gasped, bringing his hand up to his mouth, “You know what would be awesome?! A joint interview with you and Emma, the two survivor girls that ended Piper’s murder spree, once and for all., what do you say?”
Audrey stared up at him for a moment, leaving him hanging in silence for a moment, before caving and saying “Fine, I’m down.” which got a small ‘Yes!’ from Noah, along with him clapping his hands together. “But, you are aware that you have to get Emma to agree as well right?” she said, bringing Noah from his high temporarily, while he thought about the chances that Emma would say yes to his proposition. It didn’t take all that long for a smile to begin playing on his lips again, that highly surprised Audrey, since Noah had been a realistic person. “You really think she’ll, be okay with doing this?”
“I’m… cautiously optimistic, I will have to dance around the topic for a while, maybe get the idea in her head, make her think she thought it up. Hey, Kieran’s throwing a welcome home party for her, wanna come? It’ll only be the lakewood six.” He offered, knowing she didn’t really like parties, but he figured that she would probably want to see Emma when she got home. Besides, she was comfortable around the Lakewood six, even though, at the mention of party, her face contorted in disgust. Although, who could blame her, the few times she had been to parties ended with Noah getting almost drowned in a lake, and the other caused her to a deep slash across her arm and everyone at school looking at her like she was a murderer, since she shot Piper.
“Sure.” She said, not really opposed to spending time with her friends, especially Emma, since she hadn’t seen her in so long. Noah smiled at this, and Noah Foster had this kind of infectious smile that made you want to join him in his glee. She uncrossed her arms and returned his grin, shifting her gaze for a moment, and her face dropped, quite noticeably apparently, because Noah’s smile dropped as well, and his brows furrowed together. But, Audrey was too panicked to notice, sitting there, open, on her bedside table, was the porcelain container, holding the two small things that she did not want Noah to find. She gulped, and vaguely noticed that Noah was saying something, and waving a hand in front of her face, but if found that, she had no idea what he’d do. He might tell her Dad, and no doubt that her Dad would get her a therapist, He might get mad at her, and she really didn’t want to lose him, he might get sad, and seeing him cry would break her.
Noah clapped his hands on her shoulders knocking her roughly out of her thoughts, her eyes darted to his, which were staring directly at her, full of worry and confusion. He didn’t say anything, he just stared, searching her face for answer, so, she tried her best to keep herself as stoic as possible. “Something’s wrong.” He stated quietly, letting go of her shoulders and straightening her back. Audrey started to deny it, only to be cut off by a very annoyed and determined Noah, “Stop lying, Audrey, I know you, I can tell when something’s wrong with you.” His voice wasn’t loud, it was just filled with worry, and a tiny bit of annoyance.
“Look, I…” she wasn’t about to confess her sins, that just wasn’t going to happen, Noah didn’t need to know. “You just… you really freaked me out okay? My dad texted, like, a minute before you showed up, saying he wasn’t going to home tonight.” She sighed, avoiding eye contact with Noah, she really didn’t like lying to him, but suddenly she seemed to have to do it a lot, since Noah was digging into Piper’s accomplice. Noah bit his lip, it must’ve obvious to him that there was more to it, but he didn’t pry.
Noah stepped towards her, and wrapped his arms tightly around her protectively. “I’m sorry” he whispered in her ear, she slowly brought her arms up, she didn’t know why she was hesitating, maybe because she felt that she didn’t deserve this comfort. But eventually, she wrapped her arms around his skinny body and murmured “It’s okay” into his chest, just loud enough to hear. Even with the warm embrace, she couldn’t keep her mind off her forearm, and, as much as she wanted to see Emma, it would mean another person she had to hide it from.
Plus, with the way she was feeling, this wouldn’t be the last time she cut.