Stuck in Love

“You made a mistake. It was just one stupid moment. My mistakes were drawn out. I got lost and somewhere along the way, I lost you too.” Lexa mumbles the last part insecurely, tucking a strand of her own hair subconsciously behind her ear.

Clarke face grows solemn and sad. There’s so much regret in her eyes.

“Lexa...this isn’t all your fault. I don’t want you living in the past like this, it’s no way to live. You deserve better and I want you..” Clarke speaks softly and it’s heartbreaking when her voice cracks for the sheer emotion of it all. “I want you to move on.”

Lexa shuts her eyes and a few tears escape her eyes. “I can’t do that Clarke.” She whispers so quiet and vulnerable that it breaks both women’s hearts.

“I’ve been in love with the same woman since I was 19 years old when she hit me in the head with a volleyball on the very beach outside of the house we’ve shared our life together in. She’s the mother of my children, my muse, the only person who makes me feel safe. I can never duplicate this..what we had.” Lexa’s eyes are glassy and staring straight into Clarke’s soul. Clarke tries to swallow down her emotions but it’s not working. For a whole year, she hasn’t let Lexa see the tears she cried for her ex wife. Today may very well be the day that her efforts fail, however. Lexa steps closer and closer to the blonde until Clarke is pressed up against the sink.

Clarke stares into Lexa’s eyes and the brunette cups her ex’s cheeks. She has no idea where this courage is stemming from but Clarke isn’t pushing her away yet. Lexa gently rubs her fingers and caresses her ex’s face, awaiting Clarke’s response. She knows she will probably be rejected but there is fear in Clarke’s face. Fear to go over the edge with Lexa once more. Lexa wants to show Clarke that this time, if there is a this time at all, that she will never leave her side. She will always be there for her.

Clarke looks like she has a millions thoughts swimming in her head. She’s overwhelmed by the intensity of Lexa’s gaze and words. She doesn’t know what to say. Lexa was never around but she put the final nail in the coffin that was their marriage. Everything just starts thrashing around her heart and Clarke can’t take it. She can breathe in Lexa’s earthy scent and she can feel her rough hands grasping her face with soft touches and unspoken love. It’s all too much and all too little at the same time. Clarke just wants to drown in Lexa..so she does.

“Lexa...I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry.” Clarke’s first tear falls and it’s like a dam breaking.

The blonde tightly grips her ex by the waist, sobbing into her neck. Lexa wraps her arms around the crying blonde and it feels like coming home. Clarke cries in her ex lover’s arms until she has no tears left, her body is limp and exhausted. Her makeup probably looks like a racoon.

Lexa can hear Clarke sniffling a little, her tears finally letting up. This is it. This is her moment. If she lets Clarke slip by again, she will never forgive herself. She can feel Clarke slowly loosening her grip on her waist, like she’s about to pull away.

Even though she’s finished crying, it’s nice to be in Lexa’s embrace again so she just stays there for a little while longer. But then a switch goes off in Clarke’s head and she remembers that Lexa isn’t hers anymore and she isn’t Lexa’s. Clarke removes herself from her ex wife’s embrace hurriedly and moves to find her purse.

“Shit. Lexa..I-I don’t know where that came from. I have to go. I’m sorry.” Clarke frantically searches for her purse, leaving a frozen Lexa in her wake.

“Clarke..wait please.” Lexa’s voice isn’t loud nor demanding but it is desperate. It’s so soft that Clarke isn’t even sure if Lexa has said anything at all. But then the blonde can hear the hesitant footsteps approaching her and she knows it’s Lexa.

“Don’t run away from this, from me...f-from us.” Lexa quietly says, oh so close to Clarke but far enough that they still aren’t touching. Clarke shuts her eyes and shakes her head, she can’t go through this again. Lexa shut her out. She abandoned her for a year. And now she wants her back? But everything is so different now. She’s different. Lexa’s different. What if they don’t fit anymore? Clarke doesn’t think she can survive another break up with Lexa.

“Lexa..everything has changed.” Clarke whispers. She shudders when she feels Lexa’s hands touch her arms. Lexa takes a risk and presses a soft kiss to Clarke’s temple.

“Who says the change can’t be for the better?” Lexa whispers into Clarke’s hair, surprisingly Clarke doesn’t move. “Clarke, we were broken before. Why can’t we build something new? Me and you.”

Clarke doesn’t know what to say, what to do. She doesn’t want to screw up anymore, but Lexa’s fingers on her feels so good. Even though it was only for a split second, Lexa’s lips on her skin jolted her alive. She’s never felt that way with Niylah. Oh shit Niylah. Clarke hasn’t even spared a thought about the other blonde since this whole altercation. I suppose that should say enough about their relationship alone.

“I cheated on you.” Clarke turns around and looks at Lexa who winces at the words. All of Lexa’s courage goes down the drain in four word. The brunette looks defeated.

“You didn’t though, not really.” Lexa tries.

“No, don’t you do that. Don’t let me off the hook so easy.” Clarke speaks softly. “Lexa, I ended things and the same night I went out and-”

“Stop! I know what you did!” Lexa shouts, startling both her and Clarke. “I don’t want to hear the details.” Her voice is much softer now, broken even. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because we can’t ignore the past Lexa. That would be our first mistake. You haven’t forgiven me. We can’t start a relationship when there’s resentment and a lack of trust. It’ll fall apart...and this time, I won’t survive it.”

Lexa can’t say the words ‘I forgive you.’ She can’t say them and she knows that without saying them, Clarke will never be hers again. Lexa refused to listen to Clarke that night she came back from Becca’s and she’s refusing to listen to her now.

///

One Year Ago

“Lex..” Clarke breathes out with deep remorse pitted in her stomach.

“Clarke…” Lexa tries out her favorite word but it feels bitter now.

“I made a big mistake last night.” Clarke shakily says.

Lexa stares at her wife blankly, trying her best not to jump to conclusions. Her mascara is smeared and her eyes are red. She looks like she cried the whole car ride home. Her blouse is wrinkled and the very last button is unbuttoned. She has her shoes in her hand. Her blonde hair that Lexa used to love to stick her hands in during lovemaking is messy like she just woke up.

“No..” Lexa shakes her head and gets up off the couch, clutching at her head.

“I was so drunk and I-I was so mad at you for not coming after me, w-which is stupid because I was the one who ended it. And Becca-” Clarke tries to hurry to explain herself.

“I DID TRY TO COME AFTER YOU! I TRIED!” Lexa screams. Lexa never screams, never raises her voice. But something in her is broken now. She’s pretty sure her wife just had sex with someone else and it’s killing her. And suddenly it all made sense. Clarke is always with Becca. Becca, her first, her best friend. You never forget your first. And now she’s back. She is giving Clarke all the attention that Lexa hasn’t been. This might not be the first time, but even if it is, it probably isn’t the last. Lexa has lost her. She can actually feel her heart breaking. “You know what, I don’t care.”

“Lexa.” Clarke cries out. “Please, listen to me.” Clarke cries, trying to reach out for her but Lexa just shakes her off.

“You want your divorce, you can have it. Now leave me the fuck alone. I don’t care what you do or who, for that matter. We aren’t together. We’re done, you made sure of that.” Lexa pushes the words out like they’re venom. The brunette shuts down, just like how she used to before she met Clarke. No emotions, no pain. Clarke doesn’t want her anymore. Fucking someone else is just icing on the cake.

“Give me some time to collect my things. Then I’ll go.” Lexa monotonically says.

“No..this is your house too. I want the divorce. I should be the one to leave.” Clarke states, shocked at how cold Lexa is being. She didn’t want to believe it, but she was right. Lexa truly doesn’t care anymore.

Lexa nods and goes off into the kitchen. When Clarke has lost sight of her, she walks up the stairs, frozen and numb. Once Lexa hears her front door shut, signaling Clarke’s departure from the home they’ve built together, she breaks down. She throws the mug Clarke made her in her sculpting days against the wall and bursts into tears. She smashes a plate and falls to the floor, mourning the loss of her marriage.

“Mama, shh. Shh, it’s gonna be okay.” Adria runs in, hugging her mother.

“Adria? Baby, when did you get home?” Lexa gently questions, her voice cracking at the end of the sentence.

“I snuck past you on the couch last night when you were asleep. Me and Kristen had a fight so I came home early.” Adria says guiltily.

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry you heard that.” Lexa quietly says, holding tightly onto her daughter and kissing her forehead.

“I can’t believe she cheated on you. I can’t believe she asked you for a divorce. I feel like I don’t even know my own mother anymore.” Adria heartbreakingly says.

“No Adria. Your mother is still your mom. Whatever happens between me and her, shouldn’t affect how you look at her.” Lexa might be furious at Clarke, but she refuses to drag her kids into this.

“But it does.”

And that was the end of their perfect family.

///

“I can’t talk about it Clarke!” Lexa raises her voice again.

“This was a mistake. I should go.” Clarke calmly states, wiping her tears away. The blonde grabs her purse and walks out the door. And Lexa lets her go.

“I..fuck..” The brunette shakes her head and runs after her, catching Clarke right before she enters her car.

“I hate thinking about it.” Lexa says breathlessly and Clarke turns around, tears freely streaming down her face.

“I hate thinking about her kissing you, her putting her hands on you. It makes my blood fucking boil. My body is actually shaking right now just thinking about it.” Lexa says, her voice slightly louder than usual.

“Lex-”

“No! You let me finish. You wanted to talk about it, so let me talk.” Lexa says, holding her ground. Clarke nods dumbly.

“But it was a mistake. You made a mistake. A big fucking mistake, but I love you Clarke. I can accept your mistakes, just like you’ve accepted mine. This isn’t the first time we’ve been at a crossroad like this. You took me back after I fucked up all those years ago. I can forgive you for sleeping with Becca.” Lexa notices the way Clarke’s face scrunches up at her last sentence. “What?”

“I didn’t realize that you thought me and Becca..” Clarke gently says, her eyes sad. “You never let me tell you the story. Can I please tell you what happened that night?”

Lexa is confused but she nods. She doesn’t want to her all the details of her wife..well ex wife... having sex with someone else. But it looks like Clarke needs to get this off her chest, so for Clarke’s sake, she’ll suffer through the details. Clarke sucks in a shaky breath and begins.

“I went over to Becca’s and we drank some wine and cried...well I cried and she listened. A couple bottles in, we were both drunk. I’m not sure how it happened but she kissed me. And I let her. Next thing I know, she’s on top of me and we are on the bed. Both of our tops were off and she started to unbuckle my belt.” Clarke carefully says, watching the sadness that envelops Lexa as she tells the story.

“I don’t want to hear this Clarke.” Lexa croaks out, her voice cracking.

“Just let me finish please. I’m almost done, I promise” It’s such a vulnerable plea from the blonde. Lexa nods, her eyes never leaving the pebbles of her walkway.

“I realized what I was doing and I stopped it.” Clarke says and Lexa’s head shoots up.

“But I thought...you said..” Lexa’s head is a whirlwind. Clarke didn’t sleep with her?.. But that’s the reason Lexa gave Clarke the divorce. She realized that Clarke was truly done with her and there was nothing left to fight for. If she only knew that Clarke didn’t sleep with Becca, she would have fought the divorce. She would have fought for her love.

“I didn’t sleep with Becca. I grabbed my shirt and called Raven. She came and picked me up. I passed out on her couch and the next morning I went and picked up my car from Becca’s. I told her it was a mistake and she understood. I haven’t spoken to her since.” Clarke finishes her story and looks up at Lexa seems pissed. Clarke is confused.

“You..never slept with her?” Lexa carefully asks.

“Not since I was a teenager.” Clarke replies truthfully, still confused at Lexa’s anger.

“You said you cheated on me! Why did you have to say that, Clarke?!” Lexa snaps.

“Because..I did cheat on you? I may not have slept with Becca, but I still-”

“I would have fought for you! I wanted to fight for you, but I thought you wanted Becca! I thought you were having an affair!!” Lexa yells out.

“God, no. Lexa, our divorce wasn’t about another woman. Our divorce was because we were broken. I don’t know why you thought otherwise. I’m so sorry.” Clarke softly says, still a little confused.

“I thought I already lost you...to Becca. She listened to you. She treated you the way I should have. A-and then after the divorce, you never brought Becca around. I thought you were trying to be discreet for my sake. I just wanted you to be happy so I left you alone. Then a few months ago, Aden mentioned your new girlfriend Niylah. I was so confused. I figured you and Becca were over and I realized that maybe I still had a chance. That’s when I realized that I had to fight for you. I couldn’t let you go...I-I can’t let you go.”

Lexa has been getting closer and closer to Clarke this whole time. Both have tears in their eyes.

“I love you. I’m never going to stop. I’m stuck in love.” Lexa pulls Clarke in close and wipes away her tears with the pad of her thumb. Clarke moves her face close to Lexa’s and the brunette holds her breath, waiting for Clarke’s move. The blonde leans up and presses her lips, wet with her own tears, to Lexa’s quivering lips. The kiss is gentle and cautious. Tears prick at both of their eyes as the kiss begins to get more heated. Lexa deepens the kiss and Clarke sighs out in pleasure. Both women know there is still so much to talk about. Right now though, they are finally kissing their true love’s lips once more. They break apart briefly, breathing heavy, and Clarke whispers against Lexa’s lips.

“I’m stuck in love with you too.”