Chapter 4
Lexa is soundly sleeping when she gets a phone call at 7 am. Now Lexa has never been an early riser, that was always Clarke. But nevertheless after the second phone call, she begrudgingly stomps over to her phone across the room and groggily picks up without bothering to look at caller ID.
“Hello??” Lexa annoyingly asks and hears some muffled yelling on the other line. She checks her caller ID and sees that it’s Clarke.
Why is Clarke calling me at this hour?
“Um Clarke?” Lexa tries again and it seems to grab Clarke’s attention from whoever she’s reprimanding.
“Oh hi Lexa I didn’t realize you picked up already.” Clarke’s tone shifts from the angry yelling she just heard.
“Yeah so what’s up? Is everything alright?”
“I’m sorry to wake you, I know you’re not a morning person. But our son decided to not only sneak out while grounded but go to a party all night and get into a fight. His whole left eye is a swollen mess.”
Lexa wakes up completely as soon as she hears that Aden is hurt. She’s frustrated that Aden has taken her advice in the completely wrong direction and seems to be action out but that’s a concern for a different time.
“How bad is he hurt?” Lexa worriedly asks as she starts to swiftly change into clothes.
“Well his face is pretty bruised but his eye is what concerns me is his eye. It’s swollen and red and he says his vision is blurry in that eye. I just figured I’d let you know I’m taking him to the emergency room just to be safe.” Clarke says as she gently holds Aden’s jaw at angle so she can get a better look at his eye.
“I’ll meet you there.” Lexa says as she grabs her keys.
“Oh uh you don’t have to. I’m sure he’s fine. I’m just taking him as a precaution.”
“I’m coming. He’s my son too Clarke.” Lexa snaps.
“I never said he wasn’t Lexa.” Clarke retorts. “Look just meet us at Grace Hospital. We’re leaving in 5.” Clarke curtly says and hangs up.
“Shit.” Lexa mumbles under her breath and sighs before hopping in her car. She gets to the hospital just as Clarke and Aden pull in the parking lot as well. Lexa rushes over to Aden and softly grabs his face.
“Kiddo I told you to go out and act your age for once. I didn’t tell you to smoke pot, get grounded, sneak out while grounded, go to a party and get into a fight all in the same week.”
“I’m sorry Ma.”
“Yeah yeah. Did you forget those fighting techniques I taught you? Look at your face.”
Lexa closely examines her son’s swollen eye. It doesn’t look too good.
“I just didn’t want to fight him.” Aden mumbles.
“Well what started the fight in the first place?” Clarke asks from behind them and Lexa notices the embarrassed red painting his cheeks.
“Um well there was this girl. And they used to date and he didn’t like that I was talking to her.”
“Is this the same girl you mentioned last week?” Lexa lightly asks and Aden nods a ‘yes.’
Clarke’s face scrunches up. Aden likes a girl and told Lexa but not her? I mean when they were married, Lexa was always Aden’s go to parent for advice and Adria always went to Clarke. But now, nobody goes to Clarke. The blonde can’t help but feel a little sorry for herself and more so, sorry that she ruined her family.
“Alright we can figure out the details later. First let’s bring him inside to get him checked out.” Clarke briskly says and Lexa looks over at her with narrow eyes but nevertheless nods.
Once they get him all checked in, the doctors whisk examine Aden and give him some pain pills. Aden asks if he can sleep at Lexa’s tonight and Clarke hides her hurt but nevertheless nods. Lexa can see the pain in Clarke’s eyes. The two mothers give Aden his pills and make him lunch. There is an awkward tension in the air. Lexa knows she snapped at Clarke earlier but she was just worried about Aden. She wonders what is upsetting Clarke so. Aden is fine. Aden eases the tension and once lunch is over, Aden goes off for a nap. Lexa and Clarke are staring at eachother until Clarke clears her throat.
“I can clean these dishes for you.” Clarke says with a polite smile.
“It’s okay C. You don’t have to do that.” Lexa tries to take the dishes from Clarke but the blonde ignores her attempts and starts cleaning them. Lexa smiles a little and begins to clear the table. Clarke seems off still so Lexa decides it’s finally time to address whatever’s bothering the blonde.
“Look Clarke, I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. I was just worried.” Lexa apologetically murmurs to a distracted Clarke, who barely picks up what her ex is saying to her.
“What?” Clarke responds, her head clearly somewhere else.
“I said I’m sorry for snapping at you. I -”
“It’s fine Lexa.” Clarke waves her off, politely dismissing her apology but Lexa can tell in Clarke’s eyes that she’s sad and confused.
“What’s wrong C? I can tell something’s bugging you.” Lexa gently probes, moving closer to Clarke.
Clarke deeply sighs and locks gazes with her ex. God those eyes of hers will always be Clarke’s greatest weakness. “Aden didn’t tell me he liked a girl. He didn’t mention the girl to me at all, but he told you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy you two have a strong relationship. I just wished he felt comfortable with me too.” Clarke softly says, her voice tinged with sadness.
“Oh Clarke..you have to know he loves you all the same.” Lexa tries, but she knows this is an extremely sore spot for Clarke. She was never close with her mother so she’s always tried her hardest to be a great mother to their kids and she has been. But now Adria refuses to talk to her and now she thinks Aden is pulling away too.
“I know he loves me. I just..” Clarke shakes her head and looks down at the ground, focused on playing with the hem of her shirt.
“You just what?” Lexa asks.
“I ruined everything Lex. Our family is broken because of me. And nothing will ever be the same.” Clarke hoarsely says, her voice thick with regret and emotion. Lexa didn’t miss how Clarke said ‘Lex’ not Lexa. It felt good. It felt right.
Lexa’s heart stops beating. Does Clarke really think that? Their marriage ending wasn’t all Clarke’s fault. She shouldn’t bear all the blame. Lexa desperately wishes she could hold Clarke in her arms once more and comfort her. She wishes she could kiss her soundly and tell her that they still can be a family again, that she’s still waiting for her to find her way back to her.
“No..absolutely not Clarke. You didn’t ruin this marriage. I did. I was never home. I gave up on us.” Lexa moves closer and closer until she can touch Clarke’s hand.
“You were distant Lex but you didn’t…” Clarke swallows deeply. “You didn’t do what I did.”
Lexa looks like a kicked puppy at the mention of it. She feels the tears welling in her eyes as she remembers the day her marriage really ended.
One Year Ago
Lexa came home around 12am. She was out with her editors all night at a local tavern, discussing her upcoming book’s launch. The brunette is a little shy of tipsy. Aden is away at a weekend karate tournament and Adria is sleeping at her friend’s house. It’s a Saturday night and she has the house to herself. Well besides, her wife. Clarke texted her this morning that they needed to talk and Lexa has been all nerves since. That’s one of the reasons why she drank all night with her editors, she was avoiding whatever Clarke wanted to talk about. The only time her and Clarke talk nowadays is when they’re arguing or talking about the kids. Clarke and her have not been getting along well lately and it’s entirely her fault. She’s been pulling away from the blonde and despite her wife’s continued persistent efforts, Lexa just isn’t budging. The brunette is busy and she feels like her marriage is in a slump. If she’s being honest, she just doesn’t have the time to spare to make an effort with Clarke right now. She loves her wife though. She will never stop loving Clarke.
Lexa unlocks the front door and hears music playing upstairs. Lexa walks up the stairs and hears Clarke humming to a familiar tune. Their wedding song, Lexa thinks and smiles to herself. Clarke is in her paint room so Lexa decides to make her way to the renovated basement to maybe try and talk to her wife for once. Clarke has her hair down and flowing. She’s wearing Lexa’s old baggy Polis U sweatshirt and black workout shorts. Lexa gulps at the sight. How could she have been ignoring this beauty in front of her for so long?
Clarke hears the footsteps and is startled at the sound. She turns around and curses. It’s just her wife though. Clarke finds herself sighing at the sight of Lexa when she used to smile and get butterflies. Lexa is awkwardly standing in the doorway. They haven’t had a real conversation in over 8 months. Lexa usually just goes to her study and reads and writes all night. Clarke barely wakes up to Lexa in bed with her as the brunette usually sleeps on the sofa in her study by choice. Lexa hasn’t touched her in a year. She hasn’t looked at her like a woman in all that time either. They don’t even feel like wife and wife anymore. They’re more like co parents who co habitate at this point. A cold shiver goes down Clarke’s spine when she hears her wife speak.
“Hi.” Lexa says as she scratches the back of her head.
“Hi.” Clarke says calmly, even though she’s far from it.
“I uh..got your text this morning saying we needed to talk?” Lexa says, her nerves slightly showing.
Clarke sighs and wordlessly nods. She looks up to Lexa and she can tell the brunette is on edge, maybe even a little annoyed. They need to talk though. This might be their last chance to make things right. “I’ll meet you upstairs in the living room.” Clarke says as she busies herself with putting away her paints and brushes. Lexa swallows and nods before making her way to the living room to sit anxiously on the couch. Are the kids okay? Is Clarke going to bitch at her some more? Is something wrong with her wife’s health? Oh god, is Adria pregnant? All these questions zoom in her mind as she hears Clarke’s footsteps closer and closer to her. What could Clarke possibly want to talk about?
“Okay...so you wanted to talk?” Lexa tries again, looking at the blonde sitting next to her unsurely. It’s ridiculous how awkward this feels. Clarke is her wife! They shouldn’t feel like this right now. They used to tell eachother everything. ‘Used to’ being the operative words.
“Yes. I think.. God why is this so hard to say?” Clarke bitterly chuckles to herself and Lexa’s hand itches to take Clarke’s in her own and calm her. But she doesn’t. It feels like she would be crossing a line. But when did that line get there? They are wife and wife and Lexa feels like she’s overstepping a boundary if she holds her own wife’s hand. Did she put this boundary there without even realizing it?
“I think we need to go see a marriage counselor.” Clarke says confidently, her eyes catching the surprise and shock in Lexa’s widened green orbs.
“What?” Lexa whispers loudly. “Absolutely not.” Lexa shakes her head vigorously. “I don’t need some stranger to heard the intimate details of our life. No thank you.”
“What ‘intimate details’ Lexa?! We haven’t had sex in a year! I can’t even remember the last time you kissed me.” Clarke snaps and Lexa’s eyebrows furrow as she tries to do the math. Has it really been that long?
“No. I kissed you yesterday.” Lexa says with confusion written on her face.
Clarke’s face mirrors great disappointment. “You kissed my cheek like a robot and only because it’s a part of your daily routine. It’s like muscle memory to you and that doesn’t count. When was the last time we kissed on the lips? A real kiss Lex.”
“I..I don’t remember. But a marriage is more than sex Clarke. We are just going through a slump. It’s fine.” Lexa half heartedly assures Clarke. She’s a little drunk right now and very tired.
“Are you kidding me?! I know what marriage is Lexa. I try to be the best wife I can to you. It’s never good enough! And you’re never here.” Clarke starts to feel her heart crack. She realizes this marriage isn’t working. There really is nothing left to salvage, is there?
“I’m always here Clarke.” Lexa says, still not getting it. She’s drunk and oblivious to just how serious this problem is. “I’m always here for everyday soccer game, dance recital, and holiday. How could you say I’m not?”
“You’re there for the kids! You’re never here for me. You are like a robot with me Lexa. How can you not see the change in our marriage?! I mean what is it? Is there another woman? You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?!” Clarke is starting to get emotional. This is the last ditch effort she has left in her.
“Really Clarke?!” Lexa asks incredulously. “How could you even ask me such a fucked up question!? You know I would never cheat on you. I fucking love you. Maybe things have been different, sure! But I’m busy! I can’t cater to your every whim. You can’t expect me to sit around doing everything you want ! So excuse me if I’m not as whipped as Finn is with Raven, but I have a life too. I’m here every goddamn day. Don’t you try and say I’m not.” Lexa slurs her words. She hates when people call her a ‘robot’ and Clarke knows it. Clarke knows about her childhood when the kids would make fun of her for her stoic face. They would call her a robot everyday and Lexa would go home to cry for hours. She had no friends and her parents were addicts who ignored her for the most part. She had no one and she started to believe that she had no feelings...that is until Clarke. Sometimes it’s easy for Lexa to slip back into her old ways when she’s stressed. She’s been stressed for quite some time now and she is taking it out on Clarke, but she’s too proud to say that.
Clarke looks at her wife and she sees a completely different person. This isn’t her Lexa. This is a stranger wearing her wife’s face. The blonde doesn’t know how to fix this. Is there even anything left to fix? Lexa has shut down on her and there’s no way to open her back up.
“I can’t do this anymore.” Clarke says softly almost like a whisper and it completely sobers Lexa up.
“What do you mean ‘you can’t do this anymore, Clarke?” Lexa says while moving to cup Clarke’s cheeks. The way her wife just spoke sent shivers down her spine. She sounded like she was giving up on their marriage? But that’s not right. They’re just have a marital spat. They’ve fought before just like a married couples. This is just one of those times, isn’t it?
“I can’t be your wife anymore Lex. We’ve been over for a long time now. I can’t keep holding on for the both of us.” Clarke says as she wipes her tears away. Lexa just slowly removes her hand from Clarke’s thigh as she just stares at her wife as if Clarke had just committed the ultimate betrayal.
“Clarke..you’re not serious.” Lexa croaks out.
“I wish I wasn’t but I am Lex.” Clarke breathes out. “I’m so sorry. I have to go.” She gets up and runs upstairs. Lexa can hear movement in their bedroom and perhaps crying but she can’t move. Everything is in slow motions and muffled. She’s numb. It’s like she’s in a state of shock.
Clarke comes down the stairs with an overnight bag. “Thanks so much Becca. I’ll be there soon.” Lexa hears the end of Clarke’s conversation with her old high school friend. The brunette is numb. Clarke stands in front of Lexa, who has yet to move.
“I’m leaving for the night. I..I’ll be staying at Becca’s if you need to contact me about the kids.” Clarke says, trying to keep herself together until she gets into the car.
Lexa just looks up at her with tears in her eyes. “I don’t understand this Clarke.”
Clarke sadly smiles and looks at her wife. “I know you don’t.” The blonde wipes away the fear tears that have fallen. “And that’s why this isn’t working anymore...Goodbye Lex.”
Lexa hears the front door close and sobs wrack her body. Lexa’s air supply is forcibly removed from her body. Her Clarke. Her beautiful entrancing wife didn’t want to be hers anymore? No more sharing their lives together. No more Christmas mornings with hot cocoa in their hands all snuggled up watching their kids light up with excitement as they open their presents. No more gentle lovemaking in the dark. No more Clarke and Clarke. It’s like a switch goes off in Lexa. She can’t let this go.
Lexa gets up in a hurry and decides to drive after the blonde. But fuck, she can’t as she’s too drunk. The brunette curses herself for drinking so much. She’ll need to take a cab but she doesn’t even know where this Becca character lives.
Becca is one of Clarke’s close friends from high school. They were each other's firsts before Becca moved away. It was one drunken night when the girls were 16. Clarke had just broken up with her on again off again long term boyfriend Wells. She never loved Wells but Wells loved her. She realized they were better off as friends as she felt nothing romantic for him. He didn’t take it well though and called her a ‘good for nothing ditzy whore.’ Clarke went to Becca for comfort and they got drunk off Clarke’s parents wine and had sex. From what Clarke told Lexa, it was more about comfort than anything else. After that, they went back to being strictly friends and a month later, Becca moved away to Ireland for her father’s new job.
Clarke and Becca had on and off limited contact for years but just 6 months ago the woman moved back to the states. Lexa remembers Clarke was so excited. It made her so jealous. Clarke never got excited about her anymore, but then again she never made much effort anymore anyways. Clarke and Becca picked off right where they left off. Lunch every week and sometimes weekend outings. Clarke tried to get Lexa to come and meet the young woman but Lexa refused. She didn’t want to meet this woman who her wife was so close with. She didn’t want to meet her because she already didn’t like her. She always grew short with Clarke whenever she brought up Becca up until the point where Clarke just stopped mentioning her friend to Lexa. The already existent distance between her and Clarke grew tenfold.
Lexa dials Clarke’s phone but it’s off. She calls again. And again. Frustrated, she throws her phone hard against the wall and it shatters. The brunette lays down on the couch and cries herself to sleep. She can’t lose Clarke. She just cant. She’ll do whatever it takes to get her wife back.
///
The next morning she hears the door open and Lexa groggily sits up from the couch. It’s Clarke and her eyes and red and puffy. She looks like shit and smells like alcohol. There’s a sad defeated look in her eyes that are swimming with guilt. The hope that Lexa had when she saw Clarke walk back through those doors suddenly bottomed out.
“Lex..” Clarke breathes out with deep remorse pitted in her stomach.
“Clarke…” Lexa tries out her favorite word but it feels bitter now.
“I made a big mistake last night.” Clarke shakily says.
And a big mistake she made indeed.