Chapter 1
“I remember that it hurt. Looking at her hurt.”
The sandy haired blonde boy timidly stares at the gorgeous platinum blonde fast asleep on her history textbook. Minutes passing by, teachers droning on, but none of that matters. In this everlasting stretch of 45 minutes while his teacher rambles incessantly on about the Cold War to students whose minds are elsewhere, the blonde blue eyed boy’s eyes so alike his mother’s remain glued on the celestial being beside him. With her skin pale like paper, her world is now tainted with the tiny droplets of blood dripping from her nose and onto the history cluttered textbook page written by academia whose names hold no glory or fame in recognition of their brilliance.
The girl, Elle, wakes up to the sight of the quiet English whiz and track star, Aden Woods, staring at her with his heart beating on his sleeve. Aden Woods is different. He’s open. His mind is unfazed by the trivialities of adolescence. His soul matured beyond his years. He is misunderstood in these halls, but Elle sees him. She sees him because he might perhaps be the only one who actually sees her as well.
Aden’s blue eyes shift from yearning to worry as quick as it takes for the first drop of blood to escape Elle’s nose. He wordlessly signals to her nose, hoping she gets the message and wipes away the crimson red liquid trickling down her philtrum to her upper lip. Elle tastes the familiar bitter flavor of metallic when she licks her lips. Blood. A nosebleed to be more specific. It’s not an unusual occurrence for someone like her. Oh who is someone like her you may ask? Well someone who snorts cocaine on the regular, of course.
Elle is adamant to avoid the word ‘addict’ because she’s not one of those. She’s not an addict and she doesn’t have any problems that a quick fix can’t help her run from. The world doesn’t see her but when she looks into Aden Woods sweet innocent eyes, she thinks that maybe, just maybe she’s wrong. Maybe she was too quick to say the whole world doesn’t see her because Aden Woods most certainly does.
The third period bell rings and the students flurry out of the room, their minds in a variety of places...the clouds...the gutter..so on so forth. However, Aden lags behind and shyly hands a tissue to Elle in the now empty classroom.
“Thanks Aden.” Elle smiles sweetly at him and accepts the tissue. Aden grins in return but doesn't dare to speak. Well actually, he really can’t speak. At least not around Elle. No, around Elle, his normal functionality and motor skills are severely lacking. So Aden just smiles back at her. The silence isn’t awkward, if anything it is comforting. But it’s over much too soon when Elle apologetically says she has to get to her fourth period physics class. The 15 year old blonde boy nods in recognition and mumbles a hushed “Goodbye Elle” before the blonde beauty disappears from his eyesight. Nevertheless, Aden counts this interaction as a success in his book.
The youngest Woods walks to his locker in a daze, ignoring the second warning bell. He needs to step up his game though and he knows it. Who can he go for advice though? Definitely not his best friends Jasper and Monty. They’re just as clueless on decoding fine specimens known as females. No, he needs to go to an expert on the subject. Someone who knows how to write out a good speech for him to say that’ll make Elle swoon. And that someone is his mother, Lexa Woods.
///
Lexa Woods swears she’s not some crazy stalker. Really she isn’t. But as of late, Lexa Woods has been in the habit of spying on her ex wife. Her ex wife who has just moved in with her new younger girlfriend and yoga instructor Niylah Murphy. And judging by what she can see from secretly peering through her ex’s double pane windows in her oh so spacious new living room, her and that namaste bitch are currently fighting.
Ok so maybe in this particular moment, Lexa is a bit of a stalker. But she has a good reason. She still loves her wife... I mean ex wife. Her and Clarke’s relationship is a long one filled with ups and downs and twists and turns...hell their relationship wasn’t just a rollercoaster ride, it was one of those upside down coasters that have way too much turbulence and stomach dropping pitfalls. But their love made it through..until Clarke served Lexa with divorce papers a year ago. Lexa isn’t giving up hope though. Lexa Woods is going to wait for the love of her life to come back into her waiting arms. So by that logic, it doesn’t hurt to check up every now and then on her still ever so gorgeous ex to see just how long Lexa has to way for this reunion.
A cheeseburger. That's what they're fighting about. Lexa chuckles because although her and Clarke have had some petty fights in the past, they certainly never fought about cheeseburgers. Niylah seems to be going on a rant about her new vegan status and how Clarke promised she would try it out in solidarity with her. Lexa shakes her head. Clarke could never be a vegan let alone even a vegetarian. Lexa remembers Clarke’s intense pregnancy cravings with Aden and Adria. They had cheeseburgers many nights a week. The brunette sadly smiles at the memory of her family at a happier time. A time when she didn’t have to gaze at her wife...uhm scratch that ex wife through a looking glass with another woman.
Lexa looks back up at Clarke and Niylah and finds that they are no longer fighting but instead fervently kissing. Clarke’s arms are wrapped around the yoga teacher as Niylah grabs her face to deepen the kiss. Lexa winces as if she’s in pain and is about to walk away (she’s not a glutton for punishment after all) when Niylah’s pesky little chihuahua starts barking up a storm, angling to bite her ankle.
“Shit go away you gremlin! Shoo shoo” Lexa ducks her head just in time for Clarke and Niylah’s curious eyes to miss her and shoos the dog away. The writer fastly tiptoes out of the garden and runs to her car in a quick getaway.
She really needs to find a better past time.
///
Adria collapses on the bed breathless. This isn’t the first time she’s slept with her best friend Lincoln. No, they’ve done this tango many many times before. Adria has a strict rule. Love is weakness. No feelings, just sex. Lincoln readily agrees to be her friend with benefits but he wants more. He wants so much more. He wants her soft lips to only touch his. He wants her deep blue eyes to only look at him. He wants all of her but only has a part of her.
Once she catches her breath, the college student climbs over Lincoln and off the bed. She has a routine. Fuck and then get dressed. Plain, simple, crude, and oh so efficient to satiate her urges. It works for her. Love is messy. Her parents were head over heels in love and look what happened. They destroyed each other...well more like Clarke destroyed Lexa but that’s beside the point. While we’re on the topic though, Adria hasn’t talked to Clarke for over 6 months. She took Lexa’s side in the divorce and even though Lexa begs her to talk to her mother as well, she refuses. Adria knows it pains her artist mother but she doesn’t care. She sees the pain Lexa is in and she knows Clarke caused it. Clarke broke up the family. It’s not Adria’s job to try and hold the makeshift pieces of what once was one unit together.
“You know Adria, you could always stay. You don’t have to leave right after we finish every time.” Lincoln tries to sound casual in his suggestion. He doesn’t want to scare Adria away. The drummer knows Adria fears commitment. He doesn’t want to spook her but at the same time he wants more out of this.
“That’s sweet Linc, but you know my rules.” Adria smiles and bends down, pecking him on the lips. The 5’7’’ toned writer with brown curls and blue mesmerizing eyes checks herself in the mirror before leaving her best friend’s dorm room.
“I’ll see you at your gig tonight! She calls out before shutting the door to Lincoln’s and making her way to her floor for a quick shower in those disgusting communal bathrooms.
///
Aden comes home and takes his shoes off at the front door. Niylah has passive aggressively reminded him a variety of times to take his shoes off at the door so he doesn’t track dirt through the house. It’s not that the blonde boy hates Niylah, but he really doesn’t like her. And Aden usually likes everybody. It might have something to do with her being the reason his moms broke up but one could argue that they were broken long before that. No, what Aden really doesn’t like about Niylah is how sickly sweet she pretends to be. She acts like she’s the epitome of calm, but Aden thinks she’s one sour kale smoothie away from a breakdown. So he placates her for the sake of her sanity and his mother’s happiness.
“Hey Mom, I’m home!” Aden cheerily calls out as he makes his way to the kitchen to make himself a sandwhich.
“Hey sweetheart.” Clarke walks in wearing her messy paint smock with strides of green lazily tattering her skin. So mom’s painting again, that’s an improvement.
The blonde kisses her son on the forehead before ruffling his hair and sitting on the counter, biting into a crisp apple.
“Doesn’t Niylah hate when you sit on the counter?” Aden teasingly smirks. He knows his mom hates Niylah’s long list of pet peeves as well.
Clarke heartily laughs, a laugh he hasn’t heard since her and Lexa were still together. Aden smiles at his feat. “She’ll just have to deal with it” Clarke shrugs and looks over at Aden’s large sandwich curiously.
“Aren’t you eating dinner at Le-..at your mom’s tonight?” Clarke asks. Her son has a bigger appetite than her, and that’s saying something.
“Yep.” Aden answerings with a popping ‘p’ sound at the end before taking a large bite of his sandwich. “Doesn’t mean I can’t have a little snack.” The blonde boy mumbles with his mouth full.
Clarke makes a disgusted face and laughs. “Whatever you say kid. After you finishing eating, come get me from my studio and I’ll drive you to your mom’s.”
“You got it mom. Love you.” Aden calls out, still with food in his mouth.
“Love you more!” Clarke smiles and runs upstairs. She hesitates at the door of her studio. The blonde artist hasn’t been able to paint or sketch a single piece of artwork since her divorce with Lexa. She reasoned that perhaps Lexa was her muse and now that they were over, so was her art career. But then today, she suddenly felt her left twitching to paint. She ran up to the studio and let her heart pour into the canvas. Of course her heart decided to paint Lexa. Lexa, with her vibrant green eyes and pink plump lips. Her killer jawline and timid smile. Her tan unblemished supple skin and wild frenzied loose curls. She painted her lover, her everything, the rightful owner of her heart. Wait scratch that..she painted Lexa Woods. Her ex lover, her exeverything, the ex rightful owner of her heart.
Clarke shakes her head and tries to drill into both her mind and heart that very fact. Lexa is no longer hers and she’s no longer Lexa’s. But god, that painting was stunning. It made her feel like how she used to feel when a younger, happier Lexa would look her way. Back when Lexa actually used to really look at her anyways.
“Mom, I’m ready!” Her thoughts of Lexa Woods drown out when Clarke hears Aden’s faint callings from downstairs.
“I’m coming. Just one sec sweetie.” Clarke runs into her room and flings her messy smock off. She straightens out her clothes and takes one look in the mirror. She looks a wreck.
“Lexa always loved how I look on my lazy days anyways.” Clarke reassuringly mumbles to herself before grabbing her keys and running out the door with her teen son in tow.
///
Lexa is sitting on her front porch scribbling in her journal while waiting for Clarke to drop off Aden. The brunette waits all week for the moments when she can see Clarke (and not just through the blonde’s windows). The writer craves the blonde’s soft touch and raspy voice whispering in her ear yet again. She’ll wait for Clarke to come back. She has to.
A familiar revving of a truck engine roars on the beginning of Lexa’s rocky pebble pathway leading to her beachhouse. Lexa looks up and sees Clarke driving her signature busted up truck. Lexa smiles wide and her eyes beam with excitement. Clarke’s car screeches to a halt as it always does and both Clarke and Aden get out of the car. Clarke kisses Aden on the top the head and hugs him goodbye.
“Hey you two.” Lexa calls out, closing her journal and walking over to meet them.
“Hey Lex..a” Clarke adds the ‘a’ at the end. Calling her ex ‘Lex’ just seems to intimate now. This whole being divorced thing seems to be a difficult process for both of them. After all, they were together since they were 19 years old.
“Hey mom.” Aden smiles and warmly hugs Lexa. Lexa smiles back and hugs him hello.
“I’m going to go inside and have a snack. Love you mom. See you Monday!” Aden mumbles the first part, hoping Clarke doesn’t hear him but of course she does. She’s his mother, she hears everything he says.
Clarke giggles and Lexa swoons. Clarke’s childlike laugh is a sound she can never get used to; it’ll always cause the most pleasant of butterflies to assault her stomach.
“That boy is a food machine I swear.” Clarke remarks and Lexa laughs. Clarke swears it’s the most melodic of harmonies to ever grace her ears.
“Yeah he must get that from his mom.” Lexa teases and Clarke bites her lip, trying not to smile. The former couple stares into eachother’s eyes and the moment quickly shifts from light to heavy. Clarke shies away and averts her gaze to the rocks on the pathway.
“So I’ll pick him up for school around 7am on Monday. It was good to see you Lex..a” Clarke sadly smiles and gets back into her truck. Lexa can’t help but be disappointed but nevertheless nods.
“It was really really good to see you too Klark.” The brunette turns away and walks back into the house. If she looked back though, she would have seen the single tear that escaped her ex’s eye before the blonde inwardly cursed herself and wiped the salty water droplet away.
Yeah this divorce..it’s killing both of them.
///
Lexa hums to the beat of the radio as she chops the carrots and celery for Aden’s favorite pot roast dish. Aden is sitting at the kitchen table, huffing and puffing as he writes in his journal. Lexa glances over at him so often and can tell that her son is struggling with something. She throws the sloppily chopped veggies in the stew and moves to sit across from Aden while she lets the food simmer.
“Trouble writing huh?” Lexa casually states more so as a statement rather than a question while she sips her hot tea.
“Yeah..” Aden defeatedly mumbles “I just..I don’t know what to write about. I haven’t experienced a lot in my life. I’m still so young.”
Lexa is a published author. Writing has been her passion since she learned to write. She published her first book when she was 20, a year after she met Clarke. Clarke inspired to be better and do better. The written word though, it courses in her veins just as it does in her kids. Adria is an English major at UCLA and Aden is in all advanced writing courses at his high school. Once Lexa realized her kids loved to write as well, she made a deal with them. No chores in the house and weekly allowances under the exception that they write a few pages a day. She checks their journal weekly to make sure they’re writing, but never reads what they say. She respects their privacy.
Lexa narrows her eyes, staring at her son for a minute as if she was analyzing him before she sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.
“You know Flannery O’Conner once said that nothing needs to happen in a writer’s life after they’re 20. By then, they’ve experienced enough to last their creative lifetime.”
“Yeah but in case you forgot I’m not 20 yet mom.” Aden states in a matter of fact tone but Lexa can tell he’s teasing.
“I know that Aden Woods. In case you forgot something too, you are my son. I may or may not have been there when you were born.” Lexa smiles a tad and sips her tea. “Isn’t there anything crazy and without logic that you want to do during your high school years?”
“Well uh actually..there is this girl..” Aden mumbles.
Lexa’s eyes light up with surprise and intrigue. “Are you two dating?”
“No nothing like that. She’s just different. I find myself struggling to breathe and form coherent sentences around her. I’m not really sure what to do.” Aden embarrassingly groans as he tells his mom about his complete lack of skill when it comes to dating.
“Oh you’re in really deep kid. That feeling has only ever happened to me once.” Lexa gulps down her tea, soothing her dry throat.
“With mom?” Aden hesitantly asks.
“Yeah..” Lexa smiles, clearly thinking back on the past. “I was sitting on the beach..actually the very beach outside of this house. It’s the reason we bought this property; it’s where we first met. Anyways, I was in my own world, writing up a storm when a volleyball hits me smack in the face.” Lexa chuckles as she recalls when she gave over her heart and never asked for it back. “I was reasonably pissed and ready to curse out whoever just hit me in the head and interrupted my writing process when I looked up and saw the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. To this day, your mother is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”
“Gosh mom, that’s really cheesy.” Aden interrupts.
“Hey it’s not cheesy if it’s true! But anyways, so she runs up to me and profusely apologizes. I just sit there dumbstruck and unmoving.” Lexa laughs. “I’m a goddamn writer and all the words in the English dictionary seemed to be elusive to me in that transcendent moment. Your mom even though she gave me a concussion because I was just staring up at her like an idiot.”
“So what did you do?”
“Hmm?” Lexa asks as she sips some more tea.
“I mean, what did you do to get over the butterflies in your stomach?”
“They never went away buddy. To this day, your mom still makes me heart beat faster. I don’t know how I lost sight of that for so long.” Lexa mumbles and shakes her head. She shouldn’t be talking about this with their son. Lexa clears her throat. “I can tell you this though. You're 15, not 40. As much as your old soul and well versed vocabulary might say otherwise, you are young. Use that to your advantage. Talk to the girl, even if at first you're a bumbling idiot...talk to her. I know I sure was when I first talked to your mom. String a few sentences together and take it a step at a time. You have to put yourself out there kid. Do something crazy. You’re so soft spoken and careful and that’s a wonderful thing but try being wild for a change. Go out and live like Adria does.”
Aden laughs. “So basically you’re saying I should go sleep with a bunch of people?”
Lexa spits up her tea and starts coughing. “I - I definitely did not say that!”
Aden puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey hey you did just say I should go out and live like Adria.”
“Adria doesn’t sleep around!..wait does she?” Lexa questions her son as her eyes bulge out of her head at the knowledge. Adria is 19 years old. Obviously she’s probably done things. Things Lexa never wants to think about but Adria never talked to her about boys and all of that. Lexa was always the over protective mom when it came to Adria dating. Before Clarke and Lexa divorced, Adria would go to Clarke for advice and Aden would go to Lexa. Now though, Adria doesn’t really go to anyone she assumes.
Aden nods. “Yeah I mean it’s not anything new. She’s been on the pill since her junior year of high school when she was dating that senior guy Atom.”
“What?! Wait how did your mother and I not know this?”
“Uh..maybe I should stop talking.” Aden nervously laughs and rubs the back of his neck.
“No Aden it’s okay. Adria isn’t in trouble. She’s an adult and she can do as she pleases.”
“Okay well in that case, mom knew about the pill. Adria went to her and asked to go on it after her junior prom.” Aden casually states and starts sniffing. Her head perks up. “Oo I think the pot roast is ready!” Aden excitedly stands up and goes to check on the food.
Lexa sits in her chair dumbstruck. Did Clarke really not tell her about Adria going on the pill? I mean it’s not the end of the world but it’s certainly something she should have been filled in on. But maybe Clarke did tell her, maybe she wasn’t paying attention. The last few years of their marriage, their communication was severely lacking and it was mostly Lexa’s fault. Even when she was around, she wasn’t really there. She was a phantom in her own home. She was present with the kids so they didn’t notice anything was wrong. But for some unexplainable reason, her and Clarke’s relationship started to deteriorate. Lexa was always writing and Clarke was always painting. Their creative minds were high in the sky and Lexa was great at avoidance. Once they started fighting, Lexa just pulled away completely and she didn’t come back to Earth until it was too late. Her Clarke was gone.
“Is your sister coming for dinner tonight?” Lexa asks as she starts setting the table. Aden, who's already stuffing his face with bread as she fills the bread basket, thinks for a minute before answering.
“No. I think she’s going to Lincoln’s band night at Cruiser Hall on the boulevard.”
“Cruiser Hall? Wow that’s great! Good for Lincoln. He’s always been very talented. I’ll have to congratulate him next time Adria brings him over for dinner.” Lexa exclaims as she puts out three plates.
Lincoln has been Adria’s best friend since childhood. Lexa and Clarke always had a running bet wondering when they would finally get together. Clarke always said it would take Adria longer to realize what she had in front of her own eyes. Clarke always called Lincoln a “big ol fluffy teddy bear” even though his brute exterior suggested otherwise. They are even good friends with his parents Indra and Gustus. Now that Lexa thinks about it, Lincoln just might be the only guy Lexa actually approves of to date her daughter. She wonders briefly if Clarke still will hold her to their bet once their daughter and Lincoln finally do get together.
“Mooooom. Hello, anyone in there?” Aden waves his hand in the air, trying to get Lexa’s attention. Sometimes his mom does that. Spaces out as if she's replaying a happier time. Actually, both of his moms do that now that he thinks about it.
“Oh sorry champ. I zoned out for a second there.” Lexa mumbles and continues to put the cutlery out. “What were you saying?”
“I was saying that it’s only gonna be me and you tonight so there’s no need to set a place for Adria.”
“Oh uh..” Lexa bites her lip and looks up at Aden knowingly.
“Oh right I forgot you still do that..” Aden mumbles and sits down, ready to eat. His mom still sets up a plate for Clarke every night at dinner, waiting for her to come home to her. It’s really sad and it breaks his heart. Unlike Adria, he doesn’t hate his other mom. He still lives with Clarke so he knows firsthand how the divorce has affected her too. She might be living with Niylah but she’s broken too. Sometimes when Aden comes home, she hears his mom crying and sniffling in the living room. Not trying to embarrass his mother, he tiptoes and backtracks his steps until he’s outside of the house and loudly reenters to make his mother aware of his presence. So he knows both of his parents are hurting. Their marriage just wasn’t working anymore..even Adria knows that. So why is she so angry at Clarke? Aden won’t pretend to know the answer to that one.
“She’ll come back one day.” Lexa takes a deep breath. “She will..and until then, I’ll wait for her.” Aden sadly smiles at his mom, hoping for both his mom's sakes that she’s right.