Chapter 2
“All I’m saying is that if they don’t know how to pronounce quinoa, they shouldn’t be ordering it.” Niylah continues on her rant and Clarke nods along, peeking her tongue out of her mouth to taste her famous marinara sauce she’s got brewing.
“Ny, can we talk about something else other than superfoods and yoga for once?” Clarke pleads. The blonde likes Niylah. She’s assertive and determined. She is always encouraging Clarke to be better and do better. And her body is amazing...at least all that yoga pays off for something. But deep down in her core, Clarke knows that this is a little something called complacency. She’s already had that burning undying love. She’ll never get another Lexa.
“Sure thing honey. I saw that you finally started painting again.” Niylah wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist from behind and rests her chin on Clarke’s shoulder.
Clarke clears her throat and quietly mumbles. “Yeah I felt inspired. I don’t know what hit me.”
“I know what inspired you Clarke.” Niylah says bluntly and monotonly. Clarke believes her too. Shit. She knows that her ex wife has inspired her, has yet again lit her artistic flame.
“You do?” Clarke quietly says as her eyes widen, awaiting Niylah’s anger. But no anger ever comes.
“Yes. You were inspired by this move. The zen of the new house must have aligned your life and brought some much needed calmness and serenity. I knew that meditation and breathing techniques we started doing before bed are helping you. You look years lighter and the bags under your eyes are almost completely gone.”
“I don’t know if that’s it Ny...wait I have bags under my eyes?!”
Niylah is about to respond when they hear the door shut loudly and the heavy thunk of feet. It’s Monday night around 7 p.m. Aden texted Clarke before and told her that he was going out with Monty and Jasper and would be home for dinner.
“Aden is wearing his boots in the house again Clarke.” Niylah disapprovingly says as she removes her body from behind Clarke’s.
“Niylah..” Clarke says in a warning tone. Clarke will compromise on many things with Niylah. Hell, she even gave being a vegan a try. But she won’t compromise on her kids. Not by any means. If Niylah doesn’t get along with her kids or if they (well only Aden..since Adria isn’t talking to her) tells her that they don’t like Niylah, she will end things. Her kids come first and they always will.
“I’m sorry honey. You know how I feel about dirt though. Maybe remind him to leave his shoes at the door? Aden’s a good kid, you know I love him. I just would appreciate if he left his shoes at the door..that’s all.” Niylah sweetly says before running off the wine cellar in the basement to get some wine for dinner.
Clarke rolls her eyes and she stirs the pot. Niylah makes her feel young. She makes her feel wanted. She’s attentive and sweet and energized. There’s a spark in her eyes for her passion for yoga that reminds her of a similar enthusiasm that was once housed in the eyes of her former green eyed love.
“Aden sweetie! Dinner’s almost ready. Can you please come set the table?” Clarke calls out.
Aden comes stumbling in a moment later, his hoodie covering his face. The aroma of the room quickly shifts from the sweet and spicy smells of Clarke’s pasta dish to skunk. Skunk, that’s an odd smell. Then it dawns on Clarke. Aden doesn’t smell like skunk, he smells like weed. Her sweet innocent fresh faced Aden was smoking.
“Aden Woods..turn and look at me right now.” Clarke sternly says and she approaches him with the sauce spoon still in her hand.
Aden’s eyes widen and he knows he should be scared of getting in trouble. He knows that this isn’t a good situation and yet he can’t find it in the life of him to stop smiling. Aden reluctantly turns to his mom and takes off his hoodie, a lazy shit eating grin painted across his face.
Clarke huffs and shakes her head. She’s not an idiot. She very well knows that kids Aden’s age smoke and drink and have sex. She remembers when Adria was Aden’s age, which might not have seemed like long ago but it was basically a different generation for this family. Back then, Adria trusted Clarke. The blue eyed daughter talked to Clarke about everything and anything. Clarke even picked Adria up after she ate a much too potent pot brownie. So yeah she knows about all this high school jazz. She has gone through this shitshow called parenting a teenager once before and made it out alive. Clarke just assumed (she now supposes it was stupid to assume such a thing) that Aden would be the easy one. No drugs. No drinking. No sneaking out to see a girl or sneaking in one.
“You’re high.” Clarke states in the matter of fact tone that she unintentionally adopted from Lexa’s mannerisms over the years. After spending most of your life with another person, you’re bound to pick up a habit from them here or there.
“I’m high.” Aden saws in a tone laced with awe as if he’s just discovering this very fact right now. Aden starts hysterically laughing and I mean blowout full on laughing fit. A laughing fit so hard that Niylah curiously peaks out from the wine cellar before she’s picked the perfect wine.
“Is everything okay up there?” Niylah calls out.
Clarke sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, another habit she picked up from Lexa.
“Yeah we’re okay.” Clarke sits Aden down and cups his face so she can get a closer look at his eyes. Aden physically can’t stop laughing and it’s actually scaring him a bit. Clarke recognizes that look of fear in his eyes and decides that right now isn’t the time to scold him or interrogate him.
“I’m assuming this was your first timing smoking.” Clarke mumbles as she gets up to grab him some water to quench his cotton mouth.
“Y-yeah.” Laughing. “Mom,” A laugh. “can you please” Some more laughing. “get me to stop laughing?”
“Oh sweetie, you’re not having a fun high right now are you?” Clarke pulls Aden in for a hug and strokes his hair as his laughter subsides. Aden closes his eyes and burrows deeper in his mom’s embrace. If he wasn’t so thirsty and hungry, he could fall asleep right now.
As if she read his mind, Clarke gets up and prepares him a plate of food. She sets the plate down in front of him and picks up his now empty glass of water and refills it.
Niylah finally emerges from the basement with some fancy bottle of wine that her senator father sent over as a ‘congratulations on the new house’ gift. Niylah’s nose scrunches up at the smell and looks over at Aden who is mindlessly shoving his face with pasta.
Niylah looks over at Clarke who's preparing a plate for her and herself. Clarke just shrugs.
“Is he..?” Niylah tapers off, assuming Clarke will get what she’s saying.
“Yes and he was freaking out a minute ago so let’s just ignore it for now okay?” Clarke whispers in her ear. Niylah nods and sits across from Aden.
Aden looks up from his food about 10 minutes later and realizes that Niylah and Clarke are now sitting at the table eating too. He flinches when he notices them and then starts laughing. He never realized how funny Niylah looks when she’s confused or angry or anything really.
“I’m sorry guys I didn’t realize that-” Aden pauses and stares off at the clock on the wall, intently watching the little hands slowly progressing alongside Father Time.
“You didn’t realize what?” Niylah asks.
“What?”
“You just stopped mid sentence. You were going to tell us about something you didn’t realize.”
“I said that?”
“Yes.”
“What was I going to say?” Aden questions himself aloud as he tries to concentrate hard to remember but everything around him is so interesting.
“Oh right! Yeah I was just saying that I didn’t realize that you guys sat down at the table.”
Clarke and Niylah looks at each other and try not to laugh. Aden goes back to eating his food without much thought elsewhere, exploring the deep thoughts rattling his mind.
Clarke knows that she’ll have to punish Aden but she’s glad the boy is experimenting a little. Given, she wishes it wasn’t drugs but he’s doing something for himself and nobody else. She feels bad because she knows Aden thinks he has to take care of everyone but that’s not his job. Her and Lexa are the parents not him. He doesn’t need to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders, even if he thinks he has to.
Once Aden finishes his food, Clarke tells him to go upstairs and change. She comes up 20 minutes later after she cleans up the plates and wraps up the leftovers. Niylah is in the shower and both Aden and Clarke are already in their pjs.
“Hey buddy. Can I come in?” Clarke knocks lightly on the door when Aden calls out a prolonged “yeeeesssss you may come innnnnn.”
Clarke sits at the edge of his bed as Aden lays his head on his pillow, looking up and over at his mother. Man, Aden’s eyes are beet red. Whatever he smoked was certainly strong.
“You must have smoked some crazy weed Aden. You’re really high.” Clarke lightly laughs when Aden responds with a flat out ‘yeeeeaaaah.’
“So you do realize that I have to ground you kid.”
“Yeah I know. For how long?”
“I’m feeling generous and since you never do this kind of stuff. One week.”
“One week?! Wow you are going soft. When you caught Adria with that weed brownie, she was grounded for two.”
“Yeah well that wasn’t the first time Adria was caught doing something like that. So if I catch you again, it’ll be way more. Listen Aden, you’re experimenting and that’s what kids do at your age. But no other drug, do you hear me? Seriously Aden, you and Adria are me and your mother’s lives. Don’t do anything stupid, you hear me?”
“I always hear you mom.” Aden softly mumbles, her eyes fluttering shut. They sit in silence for a bit before Clarke can tell Aden in dozing off.
“One more question buddy, how did you get the weed? It’s dangerous if you and your buddies went on a street corner or something. You could get in a lot of trouble.”
“Don’t worry mom, I didn’t get it from a street corner or anything like that. I got it from Mom.” Aden sleepily mumbles.
“You what?!” Clarke loudly whispers.
“M-o-m. She had some in a drawer at her house, so I just took it. Besides, she’s the one who told me to be wild for a change.” Aden mumbles almost incoherently by the end, successfully drifting off into a deep slumber that will leave him both groggy and well rested at the same time.
Clarke gently covers him with his blanket and kisses his forehead, whispering ‘goodnights’ and ‘I love yous’ to her son before she ducks out of his bedroom. Clarke slides down the wall, her eyes shut as she lays her head against the hallway. She’ll have to go talk to Lexa tomorrow during the day about this.
///
Lexa is sitting in a beach chair, enjoying the nice afternoon breeze with her eyes shut. She loves the the sound of the ocean crashing around her. It calms her. Just as Lexa is starting to fall asleep she hears a familiar jogging approaching her and she knows exactly who it is.
“Taking a little nap? Don’t tell me you’re getting old on me Woods.”
“Not everyone can be 30 and in the fittest shape of their lives Costia.”
Lexa opens her eyes and sees a smirking black haired beauty standing before her. Costia Fox. Costia Fox lives a few houses down with her husband and three kids. Yeah you heard right. Lexa is sleeping with a married woman. She would feel bad about it but Costia has an open relationship with her husband. They both sleep around and neither minds as long as they’re emotionally faithful to each other.
“Come on I only have an hour before I have to pick up the kids.” Costia smirks and jogs towards her house. Lexa rolls her eyes and gets up, walking at a leisurely pace behind her. Her and Costia have had this little arrangement for about three months. It’s simple and to the point and there are absolutely zero feelings involved on either side.
Lexa and Costia use each other for release and that’s it. But Lexa never invites Costia to her home. That’s her and Clarke’s home. It’s where they brought home baby Adria and Aden when each were born. It’s where their kids took their first steps. It’s where her and Clarke cultivated a life and family together. She just can’t fathom the idea of bringing home another woman there. Not yet and maybe not ever.
Lexa and Costia get right to it once they reach the younger soccer mom’s bedroom. It’s a short and simple affair but it gets the job done. Once they get dressed, Lexa shoves her hand in her pocket and slips her wedding ring back on when Costia speaks up peeking her head from the bathroom.
“I see you still wear your wedding ring.”
“Yeah. I do.” Lexa says as she buttons up the rest of her shirt.
“You know you really should move on. I saw that yoga teacher out ring shopping the other day.” Costia casually says as she throws her hair up in a bun in the mirror. Lexa twists her neck in the direction faster than lighting.
“What?” Lexa weakly asks, afraid of further clarification.
“Yeah I was buying Andrew a watch for our fifth anniversary when she walked in. She asked the jeweler if she could see their selection of engagement rings.”
Lexa feels her heart caving in on her chest. She might have to wait a little longer for Clarke to come back to her than she expected.
Costia turns around and throws Lexa a sympathetic look.
“Look I’m not saying this to hurt you. You just need to move on. I’ll even help you create one of those dating profiles. Oh yes! That’ll be so much fun.” Costia excitedly claps her hands.
“I’ve already told you Cos, I’m not ready for that.” Lexa firmly says and Costia huffs.
“Well fine. But one of these days you’re going to let me dress you up and get your fine ass on one of those dating sites. All the women you could want will be at your feet.”
“I don’t want a million woman at my feet. I only want her.” Lexa mumbles as she stares at her wedding ring, the ring that symbolizes her promise to love Clarke in this life and through the next.
Costia shakes her head. “Well then fight for her Lexa. Don’t just spy in her window. Make a move before she’s wearing a ring just like that again..” Costia points to Lexa’s wedding band “Only this time she won’t be promising to spend her life with you, it’ll be someone else.”
///
Lexa walks home and sees her favorite beaten up ol truck in the driveway. Clarke is here. Why is she here? Is she telling Lexa about her engagement in person? Has she finally come back home? Are the kids okay? Lexa’s minds are running through a million possibilities when she starts speed walking to the front porch where Clarke is sitting with her eyes closed. The brunette quickly scans her left hand and sees it is still bare, no new ring. Lexa sighs out in relief and smiles down at the love of her life sleeping so soundly. Lexa almost doesn’t want to disturb her she looks so peaceful, so at ease. In this moment, she can pretend that they’re still together and Lexa has just found Clarke napping on the porch enjoying the view like old times. God, the nostalgia is hitting her at full force.
“Clarke?” Lexa finally croaks out, unable to cope with the fact that her life with Clarke at this beach house is no longer a reality but not a ghost of her past and a fantasy of the future.
Clarke murmers incoherently and shifts a little on the comfortable cushioned porch swing. Lexa smiles at how adorable Clarke is. The blonde’s eyebrows are all scrunched up as she slowly wakes up from her light nap. Lexa kneels beside the swing and gently pushes aside the few stray blonde hairs in Clarke’s face.
“Clarke wake up.” Lexa softly says as she lightly shakes the blonde’s shoulder. Clarke’s eyes flutter open and immediately lock her gaze. Their faces are so close, Lexa just has to lean in and she would be done for. But she won’t. She won’t and that’s real tragedy of it all.
“Lex?” Clarke sleepily mumbles as she yawns and stretches her arms. Lexa’s heart beats fast when she hears the old nickname slip from a half asleep Clarke. The blonde’s cheeks heat up in embarrassment once she realizes she fell asleep on her ex’s porch swing. God Lexa must assume she’s some sort of stalker.
“Sorry I uh must have fallen asleep.” Clarke quietly says as she scans Lexa’s face which is still oh so close to hers.
“It’s okay.” Lexa says simply and she means it. “I really don’t mind.” Neither moves in closer or further and for a stretch of time they just are. They just sit there and drink each other in. Clarke refuses to glance and Lexa’s lips and Lexa forces her eyes to remain rooted on every portion of her love’s face except her lips. Clarke finally clears her throat after what feels like hours but really was only about a minute.
“So uh you must be wondering why I’m here.” Clarke nervously smiles and sits up, breaking the hypnotic trance of the moment.
“A little.” Lexa smiles and gets up to sit across from her.
Clarke nods and starts ruffling through her purse, pulling out a bag of weed and placing it on the outdoor coffee table. Lexa looks at her with that adorable confused look she rarely wears but dons only when she has no clue what is going on (which is an unusual occurrence).
“Aden stole this from you. I figured you’d want it back.” Clarke says in her ‘this means business’ tone.
“Aden? Why would Aden steal my pot?” Lexa thinks out loud, still considerably confused. She knows she told Aden to go out and live but she thought he would start light, like asking that Elle girl out.
“Well you see Lexa, now I’m not sure if you know this, but there’s this new thing where people smoke weed.”
Lexa rolls her eyes at Clarke’s obvious playful sarcasm.
“I’m well aware Clarke. And if I remember correctly, you are too.” Lexa teases and Clarke huffs out in annoyance and bites her lip to avoid smiling.
“Lex..a, this is serious. You told Aden to go out and be ‘wild’ and he comes home stoned from your weed. Which by the way, why do you even have that?”
“Okay well first of all, I did tell Aden to live a little more and be wild. I told him to take more risks and not always play it safe. The kid tries to fix everyone’s problems and never leaves space for himself to just be a kid. I know you agree with me about that too. And then he asked me for some girl advice so I just assumed him taking a risk would be talking to a pretty girl, not smoking! And as for the weed, we confiscated that from Adria a few years ago remember? I guess I just threw it in a drawer and forgot about it.”
Clarke stares at Lexa for a minute and then starts laughing.
“I’m sorry Lex..a. I assumed the worst. I just was so shocked that Aden smoked. He never seemed like the type.”
“No it’s okay. But hey weed isn’t the end of the world right?.” Lexa jokes.
“I guess you’re right. I did ground him though and I suggest you do so as well.” Clarke lightly says and Lexa nods in agreement. A tidal way of heavy silence washes between them again.
“So um do you wanna come in?” Lexa nervously blurts out. “For a cup of coffee or something?”
“Oh I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” Clarke pauses and closes her eyes. “You know what, yeah..I can stay for a little while. Just one cup.”
Lexa smiles and tries to mask her excitement. Her and Clarke haven’t been alone like this since early on after the divorce when they were discussing custody. The writer puts on a pot of coffee and then sits down at the table across from Clarke.
“So how are you?” Clarke asks.
“Me? I’m good.” Lexa nods. There isn’t much to say because she’s not good. That was an outright lie. She misses Clarke like she misses air. She barely can write. Everything she once cherished so dear is falling from her grasp and for the life of her, she can’t understand how to get it all back.
Clarke looks at her unsurely but nevertheless nods. “How’s your writing?”
“Really good. It’s going good.”
“Liar.” Clarke says just as Lexa thinks she’s fooling Clarke into believe her little white lies.
“What? No Clarke, I’m good.”
“You know you have a tell, right?” Clarke calmly states.
“No I don’t.” Lexa laughs and shakes her head.
“Oh you absolutely do! I figured it out on our six month anniversary. You said you remembered but I knew you forgot. It was funny to watch you sweat though.” Clarke laughs at the memory.
“You knew?” Lexa asks in surprise.
“Oh yeah. You were freaking out, hiding out in the bathroom of my apartment, trying to call every restaurant in L.A. for a late dinner reservation. It’s cute when you get all flustered.”
Lexa’s eyes widen and Clarke’s cheeks showcase a pink tint once she realizes what she’s said.
“Uh anyways, you’re tell is that you bite your lip.”
“Huh?” Lexa is still in a daze that Clarke just called her cute.
“You bite your lip right before you’re about to lie.” Clarke signals to her own lips as an example and Lexa can’t help but stare at her ex’s enthralling lips.
“Lexa?”
“Hmm?”
“The coffee’s ready.” Clarke points at the coffee pot and now it’s Lexa’s turn to be embarrassed. She was totally just gawking at Clarke’s perfect lips and Clarke noticed.
“Oh right uh yeah. Two coffees coming up.”
Lexa places them on the table and Clarke greedily starts drinking it. Lexa raises her eyebrow and smiles.
“Tired?”
“Exhausted.” Clarke moans at the first taste of Lexa’s coffee. “You always made the best coffee.”
“Late night?” Lexa says and immediately hates herself for the double meaning behind the words. And even if Clarke did have a late night with Niylah, she doesn’t want to know about it.
“Yeah..” Clarke says and Lexa feels another piece of her heart shred away. “I was painting actually.” Lexa perks up at that.
“That’s great Clarke! Indra mentioned that you haven’t given her any new paintings for the gallery in a while.”
“Checking up on me there?” Clarke teases but also is desperate to know the answer.
“Yes. I have to make sure my girl is okay.” Lexa insecurely says avoiding Clarke’s eyes, fearful of the rejection she might find lying in her cerulean pools. If Lexa looked though, all she would find is surprise and affection and most importantly love.
“Lexa..” Clarke sadly says and Lexa knows she’s stepped over a line.
“I know.” Lexa sadly says and the silence surrounding them begins to suffocate the former pair.
“You still wear your wedding ring.” Clarke bravely says. It’s a subject she has always wanted to bring up to Lexa but is too afraid.
“Yes.” Lexa looks at the table while she responds, again afraid of what the truth behind Clarke’s eyes might hold.
“Why?” Clake quietly asks.
Lexa looks up with watery eyes and finally looks into Clarke’s eyes.
“You know why.”
“Lexa I..” Whatever Clarke is about to say is cut off by the front door slamming open.
“Hey Mom! I came by for a bit.” Adria calls out and Clarke immediately stiffens and her eyes change from the regretful former expression to unadulterated anxiety. Lexa bravely reaches out and touches Clarke’s hand to soothe her, but it only further agitates the blonde. Was she really going to just say that to Lexa? No. She can’t do that. She’s the one who divorced the brunette. It wasn’t working out. She will always love Lexa but love isn’t enough sometimes. It wasn’t enough for them and it’s not fair of her to give the writer hope for something that’ll never come.
Adria casually strides into the kitchen and abruptly stops in her place when she sees Clarke. What the fuck is she doing here and why is Lexa’s hand on top of hers? No this isn’t right. Clarke is the one that ruined everything. Clarke is the one who broke her mother and the rest of the family. She can’t just strut in here and give her mom false hope like this.
“Hi Adria.” Clarke nervously says and breathes in deep.
“What are you doing here?” Adria calmly but sharply interrogates her mother.
“I uh..we were just talking about Aden and catching up. I would really love to talk to you sweetie. I miss you so much and-”
“No.” Adria grits her teeth and waves her mother off.
“Adria, listen to your mother.” Lexa sternly says.
“Don’t defend her Mom. She broke us! She broke you! And now she’s moved in with some new woman? Get out.” Adria spats out.
“Adria! Do not talk to your mother like that.” Lexa raises her voice but Clarke cuts her off.
“It’s okay. I really should get going anyways.” Clarke holds in her tears and abruptly stands up, gathering her things. Lexa feels helpless in that moment, like any progress they may have made is slipping away.
“Thanks for the coffee.” Clarke sadly smiles and looks over to Adria.
“I know you hate me right now. And you’re right, I did break up this family. You can hate me for the rest of your life if you really want to. Just..” Clarke pauses and shuts her eyes, willing the tears away. “Just know that I love you. And that will never change no matter what you say or do. I’ll be here for you Adria, even though you don’t want me because that’s...that is what mothers do for their children. My love for you in unconditional. I may have failed you once but I’m still here. And I’ll wait my whole life for your forgiveness if I have to.” Clarke hesitantly approaches a stiff Adria and shakily kisses her cheek before walking away and out the door. Adria stands there frozen, face scrunched up and tears almost falling.
Lexa deeply exhales and hurries to catch Adria in an embrace once she hears the door click.
“Mom, you’re suffocating me.” Adria hoarsely says.
“Sorry, sorry.” Lexa knows the girl needs to act as if she’s not weak and for some reason, Adria thinks showing emotions are weak. Adria wipes away the few stray tears and shakes her head.
Lexa lets go of her a few seconds later and sits back down.
“You are hurting your mother, you do realize that right?” Lexa softly says as Adria sits down across from her, the chair still warm from when Clarke sat there just a few minutes ago.
“Yeah well she’s hurting you.”
“Adria, stop blaming the divorce on your mother.” Lexa sighs and sips her coffee. They’ve had this conversation many times before and it always goes in helpless circles.
“It is her fault. You didn’t want a divorce. You’re still pining after her! And she’s shacked up with some bimbo. You deserve better than her.”
“Nobody is better than your mother, not for me. And as far as the divorce goes, it was both of our faults. We both got lost. It’s just taking your mother longer to figure that out.” Lexa wisely says, her words transcribed with the utmost confidence.
“You always say that. How can you be so sure she’s coming back?”
“I’ll tell you someday.”
“You always say that too.” Adria mumbles.
“Yeah well I’m older and wiser. Some things you’ll just have to trust me on.”
Adria wants to trust her mother’s word on this, she really does. But the younger brunette doesn’t think she can. Not on this. I guess time will have to tell what’ll happen next.