Chapter 45
A week and a half passed by in a blur and Lexa had been playing a very good game of avoiding everyone. She had been called out on an assignment, which had made things slightly easier, but only slightly. Tonight she was picking up Anya and heading over to Raven’s for one of their weekends, even though she would have much rather been crawling into her own bed instead. Her mind was full - too full and her chest felt extremely heavy. Anya had been on her case more than usual and it was almost becoming more than she could stand. Lexa knew that she was just concerned - she knew that, but still, it was a bit much. She needed to process and to think.
This was a huge - huge. Bigger than anything that she had expected when Nia started talking about sending some of her work off to her colleagues. In the blink of an eye she’d go from being a freelance journalist to the Assistant Editor of a wildly popular magazine, who wanted her so badly that they were actually willing to pay for her to relocate. It was just - it was insane. That's what it was.
“Okay squirt, listen, it’s a big deal, I get it and it’s pretty amazing,” Anya said as she slipped into the passenger seat, “but, San Francisco….”
“Is really far,” Lexa sighed and shook her head. She didn't want to talk about it. “I know.”
“Really far,” Anya echoed. “Like, almost three thousand miles far.”
“I know.” Lexa nodded as she glanced at her sister. “You okay?”
“Just thinking.” Anya shrugged.
“About?” Lexa inquired, but took in the look in Anya’s eyes. “Just spit it out.”
“What about Clarke?” She asked, her tone slightly scolding. “Have you even thought about what it will do to her?”
Of course she thought about it. How could she not think about it? “I know that she would miss me - I would miss her too, but she would understand,” Lexa replied firmly as she slipped the car into gear and pulled away from the curb. Clarke would understand.
“Miss you?” Anya’s eyebrows shot up. “Lex, she would be devastated.”
Lexa sighed as she leaned against the window and rubbed her temple.
Okay. So, yes. Anya was probably right. Clarke would most likely be a bit devastated, but it wasn’t like they hadn’t been apart before. Granted, this was a little different then before, but still. Clarke would understand. She would. They could still talk and text – video chat too. Clarke knew how hard she worked and how important it was to her. She would be excited for her, happy even. She would be okay. They’d, be okay.
Suddenly an ache went off in Lexa’s chest and she took a deep breath. “Ow,” she breathed lightly as she rubbed her chest.
“You aright?” Anya asked, turning slightly.
“I’m fine,” Lexa nodded, focusing on the road.
“You’re not,” Anya shook her head. “I can see how stressed out you are,” she added.
“Of course I’m stressed out,” Lexa shot back as she they turned a corner. “You’d be stressed out too.”
“Look, I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it,” Anya said, her tone hardening. “You need to accept the fact that you’re in love with Clarke. You need to deal with it.”
“Anya!” Lexa’s eyes went wide. “I never said that,” she added defensively.
“You don’t have to say it,” Anya fired back quickly. “It’s written all over you. Fuck, it’s written all over both of you.”
“Stop it,” Lexa responded firmly as she pulled the car over and turned to face her sister. “Clarke doesn’t want me, at least, not like that. Someday, maybe, but…”
“Enough," Anya cut her off as she folded her arms. “Jesus - she does want you and you want her too.”
Lexa’s mind was already painfully full, she couldn’t think about this. Not now. Another pang went off inside her chest, causing her to wince.
“I think that’s why your chest keeps hurting,” Anya said with a nod as she pointed at her. “It’s the thought of Clarke, or rather, of leaving her.”
“I’m doing this for Clarke!” Lexa snapped and then covered her mouth, her eyes suddenly widening with horror. Shit. Didn't mean to say that.
Anya stared at her for a moment, her eyes narrowing. “What does that even mean?”
Lexa shook her head, mentally scolding herself. Well, fuck. “Nothing,” she muttered.
“Lexa.” Anya’s voice came out harder. “Talk to me, damn it.”
Lexa continued to shake her head as she gripped the steering wheel. “I can’t do that,” she said quietly.
“You can,” Anya assured her.
“We’re just,” Lexa shook her head. “We’re just not there. We both still have so much we need to do for ourselves,” she deflected.
“Look, I will be the first to admit that there always seems to be something that keeps you two apart,” Anya pointed at her. “But more often than not, it’s the two of you doing it. It’s so frustrating and almost infuriating at times.”
“No,” Lexa sighed and shook her head again. Oh, to hell with it. “Look, maybe your right. Maybe Clarke would give me a chance, but how could I even ask her to, when I don’t have anything to offer her?”
“Wait,” Anya’s eyes widened slightly, showing a clear realization. “Are you telling me that you’ve already accepted that you're in love with her?”
Lexa’s brow furrowed as that ache shot off in her chest again. Fuck. She nodded slightly as she slipped the car back into gear and redirected her attention to the road.
She hadn’t accepted it, not at first. For the longest time, she simply refused to even consider the thought, but in the end, it was Clarke. Clarke, who could drive her crazy in all the best and worst ways. Clarke, who had a power over her like no other. Clarke, who somehow soothed her very soul. How could she not be in love with her? She was everything. It was always her, only her.
“You have more to offer her than you think,” Anya said after a stretch of silence.
Lexa sighed. She knew the conversation wasn’t over yet. “It’s not enough,” she responded through her slightly gritted teeth. “It’s never been enough.”
“Are you talking about money?” Anya asked curiously. “Because, you know Clarke doesn’t care about that.”
“It’s more than that,” Lexa shook her head as she parked the car.
“You need to talk to her.” Anya told her pointedly. "Like, now."
“I know,” Lexa responded, though she continued to shake her head as she stepped out of the car.
“Ready?” Anya asked as she walked around the car.
“Hell no,” Lexa shook her head. Not at all. “Let’s go.”
As soon as she walked through the door, Lexa picked up a small bottle and tipped the liquid into her mouth. Tequila. Great.
“Well damn, Commander,” Raven grinned at her. “It’s about time you finally showed up.”
Lexa felt her brow furrow slightly. “Sorry?”
“Someone’s been looking for you,” Raven explained with a nod toward the other room.
“Okay,” Lexa pushed her hair back off of her shoulder. “Let me grab a drink and I’ll go find her.”
Shit. Had Clarke found out somehow? She had a way of doing that. Fuck. This is bad. Really fucking bad.
Lexa walked into the kitchen and pulled a beer out of the fridge. Opening it she took a long sip and followed it with a very deep, steadying breath before she made her way back out to look for Clarke. She found her in a spare room at the end of the hall, just sitting on the edge of the bed, apparently lost in thought.
“Hey,” Lexa said as she stuck her head into the room.
Clarke looked up and her blue eyes flickered as a warm smile crossed her face. “Hey,” she replied quietly.
“Are you alright?” Lexa asked curiously.
“I was wondering if we could talk?” Clarke shrugged, but still held her small smile.
Lexa swallowed hard. “Sure,” she said as she stepped inside and closed the door.
They were silent for a few minutes, Clarke seemed to be trying to find the right words, while Lexa was pretty sure that she was about to swallow her own tongue.
“Do you remember that fight that I had with Octavia?” Clarke finally asked. “Just before the accident? The one that I ran away from?”
Okay. Not what she was expecting. Lexa nodded. “I remember you mentioning that there was a fight,” she answered.
Clarke took a deep breath. “Well, it was about you,” she told her.
Lexa felt her shoulders drop slightly. Shit. “What?”
“Octavia was accusing me of being in love with you,” Clarke explained as she got to her feet and began to pace, “and I got upset. Actually, I got angry and then I ran out.”
Lexa could feel her heart starting to pound harder in her chest. Fuck.
“I got in my car and I just took off,” Clarke continued. “I just needed to get away. Everyone always picks on us, but this was different.”
“Clarke, I’m sorry. She shouldn't have…” Lexa began, but lost her voice when Clarke turned and looked at her.
“That was when it happened.” Clarke said after a few seconds.
“The accident,” Lexa nodded knowingly.
“No,” Clarke shook her head and closed her eyes. “That was when I realized that she was right.”
Lexa felt her jaw slacken slightly. Wait, what? Did she just say..? Definitely not what she was expecting.
Clarke opened her eyes and looked at her, her eyebrows knitted together slightly as she swallowed hard. Lexa could feel her eyes piercing though her. It was amazing that a look could be that physically painful.
"Lexa," Clarke stepped in front of her and locked their eyes. “I am completely and desperately in love with you,” she finally told her.
Lexa stood there for a moment, having suddenly forgotten how to breathe, all that she could to was stare. As the meaning of Clarke’s words registered in her mind, she felt her body go weak. Without any concept of how long she’d been standing there, Lexa finally blinked, her mind catching up with what her eyes were seeing. Clarke was still there, still standing in front of her with a terrified, but slightly hopeful look in her eyes.
Fuck. Do something. Anything. Say something. Speak, stupid!
Lexa opened her mouth, “I love you too,” she heard herself say and the next thing she knew, Clarke surged forward, claiming her lips in a fiery kiss that burned though her entire body. The room around her seemed to spin as flashes fired off behind her closed eyelids and an intense surge of warmth and emotion burst in her chest. Again, she forgot how to breathe.