Chapter 46
This kiss was unlike anything that Clarke has ever felt and she poured every emotion that she had into it, wanting Lexa to feel everything that she was feeling, everything that she had been holding inside, until suddenly...
Lexa jerked back. “Stop,” she said, taking a deep breath and stepping backwards.
Clarke blinked. “I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I thought…”
“I know.” Lexa cut her off, her chest was heaving. “I’m sorry. I just…I…”
Clarke watched her, feeling her eyebrows knit together in confusion. Something was off, wrong even. Lexa was tense, tense like she was in pain and shaking her head. “What is it?” She asked stepping forward and reaching out.
Lexa however, took another step back. “I just...I need to think,” she replied before turning toward the door.
“Lexa?” Clarke called after her, but Lexa was already out the door and making her way down the hall.
“Not now,” Lexa responded without stopping. “Please. I just need to think.”
At that, Clarke froze in her tracks. Okay. Well, that was generally Lexa’s way when she felt overwhelmed or like she’d done something wrong. She’d take some time and space to sort out her thoughts and then reappear and they’d talk. But this time, Clarke didn’t wanted to wait. Lexa hadn’t done anything wrong. Just as Clarke began to move again though, she heard the sound of an engine start and picked up her pace. No sooner did she open the front door and Lexa’s car pulled away from the curb. Well, fuck. What the hell?
“What’s going on?” Raven asked as she stepped forward.
“Lexa left,” Clarke replied, feeling her heart sink a little.
“Did you tell her?” Raven asked curiously.
Clarke nodded and shut the door.
“And she left?” Raven was shocked. “Seriously?”
“Tell her what?” Anya inquired as she appeared at their side.
Clarke looked at her. Well, now that Lexa knew, there really wasn’t any reason to hide it anymore. “That I’m in love with her,” she answered.
“What?” Anya’s eyes went wide with shock. “What did she say?”
“She said that she loved me too,” Clarke shrugged, “and we kissed, but then she ran out.”
“She didn’t say anything else?” Anya asked, rather forcefully.
Clarke shook her head, but taking in the look on Anya’s face, it was clear that Anya knew something that she didn’t. “What?” She asked her quickly.
Anya shook her head, mentally cursing her sister’s stupidity. “She’s so stupid,” Anya replied as she rubbed her eyes. “Give her some space. She’ll be back.”
Clarke didn’t care for this response, but she knew that Anya was right. Lexa would come back and then they’d talk. They’d figure it out and decide what they were going to do about this new development in their relationship. Relationship? Friendship? Relationship. Definitely relationship. While they both had clearly never wanted to admit it, they had been more than friends for a long time now.
The night wore on, but Lexa didn’t return, which only caused Clarke to become more and more concerned. Sometime after midnight, she fired off a text to her, but was disappointed when Lexa’s phone went off inside her bag, which was still sitting next to the front door. Fuck. Maybe this was a mistake? No. It couldn’t be. Lexa said that she loved her too. How could it be a mistake if they both felt the same?
However, then one night turned into two and then two into four and before Clarke knew it, a week had passed with nothing but radio silence between them and now, she was way passed worried and into plainly pissed off. What the hell was going on? Why had Lexa run off and where they hell had she been? Clarke had gone to her place, but was only met with Anya who gave her an apologetic look and claimed to have not seen her. This was bullshit. Such bullshit.
A knock at the door pulled Clarke out of her thoughts and she was off of the couch in record time, storming forward. She ripped the door open to find Lexa standing there, stone-faced and staring.
“What the hell, Lex?” She asked quickly. “Where have you been?”
“I’m sorry,” Lexa replied firmly.
Clarke stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. She couldn’t help but notice how stiff her body was and that she only halfheartedly returned the hug. “What’s going on?” She questioned, her heart flooding with concern.
“Can we talk?” Lexa asked.
Clarke nodded and stepped aside.
Lexa moved inside, but didn’t go too far. Quickly turned to face her as she cupped her hands behind her back and squared her shoulders. Something was wrong. The look in her eyes instantly sent a shiver down Clarke’s spine and caused her to flinch slightly, but Lexa didn’t speak.
“What’s going on?” Clarke finally questioned, unable to wait any longer. “I tell you that I’m in love with you and you just disappear on me.”
“Don’t be a hypocrite,” Lexa scolded her lightly. “You ran out on Octavia,” she reminded her.
Okay. That was rude, even though it was true. “That was different,” Clarke snapped back. Shit. This was already not going well.
“It’s not,” Lexa replied calmly. “You were overwhelmed. So was I.”
Clarke felt herself soften at this. Remembering how she’d panicked at the realization of being in love, she could relate to Lexa feeling overwhelmed.
Lexa swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I was offered a job,” she finally said.
“You were?” Clarke grinned lightly. “What’s the job?”
“Assistant Editor,” Lexa answered quickly.
“Lexa, that’s great,” Clarke’s grin stretched into a smile as she stepped forward.
Lexa put her hand up. “The job is in San Francisco,” she said plainly.
Clarke felt her heart tighten as her stomach dropped. San Francisco? Whoa. What the fuck? The pieces of the puzzle were starting to slip together.
“That’s why you ran out on me?” Clarke questioned her, but she already knew the answer.
Lexa nodded, but remained silent.
Clarke swallowed hard. It seemed like her voice was refusing to ask her next question. She tried, but couldn’t get it out, so they just stood there in silence.
“Clarke…” Lexa began.
“What are you going to do?” Clarke’s voice reappeared and she held her breath.
“I took the job,” Lexa replied stiffly.
Clarke stood stunned. What? “Just like that?” She shook her head, feeling slightly confused.
“I can’t turn it down,” Lexa replied firmly. “It could be my shot. My only shot. I have to take it.”
“Fine. I’ll go with you,” Clarke told her, taking another step forward. She didn’t even have to think about it. She didn’t want to be anywhere that Lexa wasn’t. She’d just relocate with her. It was a no-brainer
“No,” Lexa responded and shook her head. “I’d never as you to do that.”
“You’re not asking me,” Clarke explained quickly. “I’m telling you…”
“Your life is here,” Lexa interjected and shook her head again.
“Lexa, I want to be with you,” Clarke told her firmly. Please.
Lexa took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to go, Clarke,” she finally said.
“Oh.” Clarke felt her shoulders drop. What? Shit.
Clarke started to pace, feeling a sudden anger spreading through her. How could Lexa tell her that she loves her, but then tell her that she’s leaving her? Had she done something wrong? Was she just not good enough? She glanced at Lexa, only to find her still standing rigid, her face lacking complete emotion. How the fuck can she be so calm about this? How the fuck was this even happening?
Clarke felt her heart clench in her chest. “You said that you loved me,” she stated, hating how pathetic it came out.
Something in Lexa’s eyes flickered. “I do,” she responded stiffly.
“But, you’re just going to leave?” Clarke shook her head, as something in her belly began to boil.
Lexa gave her a short nod. “You know, Anya said that there’s always been something keeping you and I apart, but that usually, it was just us.” She took a breath. “This time, it’s me.”
“Tell me why, Lex.” Clarke snapped, feeling suddenly out of control. “You say that you love me, and here I am, right in front of you, wanting you and willing to follow you. So, make me understand how you can just walk away.”
“This is an amazing opportunity for me,” Lexa explained sternly. “It’s important. I need to be able to put all of my focus, everything that I have into it and I can’t do that with you…”
“So, I’d be a distraction?” Clarke asked, feeling completely affronted. “That’s what you’re saying?”
“No,” Lexa shook her head and released a small, frustrated sigh. “I thought that you would understand.”
“What I understand is that you’re choosing a job, over us.” Clarke shook her head, as an ache spread through her chest.
“Clarke, please,” Lexa tried. “This position is very demanding and relationships are also demanding. I can’t do both.”
“I might be a hypocrite, Lexa,” Clarke scoffed, “but, you’re a liar.”
“I’m a liar?” Lexa’s eyes widened. “What did I lie about?”
“You’re lying to yourself,” Clarke said briskly as she shook her head. “It’s not that you can’t have both, it’s that you’re not even willing to try.”
Lexa shook her head and clenched her jaw.
Clarke could tell that she’d hit a nerve and she wanted to do it again. Just hit it, over and over until she finally got through to her, but she couldn’t. A sudden realization was washing over her, a sadness and she knew that she was about to drown in it. Lexa was leaving. Like, really leaving.
“Lexa,” Clarke said softly as tears began to fill her eyes. “You can’t just leave.”
“Yes, I can,” Lexa barely breathed. "I have to."
“We can figure this out,” Clarke tried to reason with her.
“There’s nothing to figure out,” Lexa replied in a slightly shaky voice. “I’ve already accepted the job. I’m leaving tomorrow.”
Tomorrow? What?! Clarke shook her head. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. “We can find a way to make this work, a way to make us work,” she told her quickly.
Lexa just stood there, appearing completely unfazed.
“How can you just stand there and act like you don’t care?” Clarke fired out at her in frustration.
“I do care, Clarke,” Lexa responded evenly, “but, I made this decision with my head, not my heart.”
Clarke didn’t know what to say or what to do – how to make her see. “Please, don’t do this,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa said, her stare unwavering.
All Clarke could do was stare back at her. She couldn’t think. There were no words. This couldn’t be happening - it couldn't, but it was.
Lexa stared at her. “May we meet again,” she finally said, with the slightest of nods.
At these words, Clarke felt something inside of her break. “Or not,” she responded as her eyes narrowed.
Lexa swallowed visibly hard and walked out.
Clarke stood still, just staring at the door and feeling her body tremble uncontrollably. She was in a haze - lost, completely unable to decipher the emotions that were burning through her as tears still brimmed in her eyes. This couldn't happen - it just couldn't, but it did and when the tears finally ran down her cheeks, she was hit with yet another realization. Even if she and Lexa were to meet again, nothing would ever be the same.