Chapter 44
The day had been strange. Anya had dropped Clarke off in the early afternoon and Raven decided to hang out at her place, which in itself, wasn’t odd, except for the fact that Raven had been acting funny ever since Clarke had come out of Lexa’s bedroom and Clarke couldn't quite understand why.
When they first got there, Clarke had immediately showered and when she came out, she found Raven just sitting on the couch, texting on her phone and not saying a whole lot. It seemed, odd, but Clarke just grabbed her sketchbook and plopped herself down into the chair, figuring that if Raven had something to say, she would. As the hours had ticked by though, Raven barely said anything and Clarke couldn't help but become more and more curious about what was bothering her. Finally, she caved.
“So, you want to tell me what your problem is?” She asked, but didn't look up.
“I'm just a little surprised that you would spend the night with Lexa,” Raven sighed as she tossed her phone to the side and crossed her arms.
“No more surprised than I am that you'd spend the night with Anya,” Clarke responded as she looked up. Shit. She knew that look. That was Raven's tough love look. “Besides, me spending the night with Lexa isn't anything new,” she added and closed her sketchbook.
“It is now,” Raven told her with a nod. “And at least Anya and I acknowledge that there's something between us.”
“You do not!” Clarke laughed. They never specifically acknowledged anything.
“To each other, we do,” Raven defended firmly. “But you and Lexa, fuck, it's like you intentionally avoid it.”
“I already told you, I can't tell her,” Clarke shook her head and tossed her sketchbook on to the table.
“But, you can sleep with her?” Raven scoffed and readjusted her position. “You don't think that it’s a little bit, wrong?”
“Wrong?” Clarke’s eyes widened. What the hell? She hadn't done anything wrong.
“Clarke, you’re in love with her. You've acknowledged that much,” Raven explained.
“So?” Clarke crossed her arms.
“So, it's not just sex for you, Clarke,” Raven answered rather loudly. “It’s more than that now.”
Clarke swallowed hard. Okay, well shit. She hadn't really thought about it like that and she couldn't deny that her emotions were definitely in the drivers seat.
“Look, I didn’t plan on sleeping with Lexa last night,” she tried. “One thing led to another and I just, ugh, God, I can't even pretend that I didn't want it.”
“Clarke, that is a shit response.” Raven responded shaking her head disapprovingly, "and you know it."
“What is your problem, Rae?” Clarke felt herself getting angry.
“It just seems wrong to me,” Raven continued to shake her head.
“That I slept with Lexa?” Clarke was totally confused.
“That you slept with her without telling her the truth,” Raven fired at her. “It's different for you now, Clarke. I just feel like you’re on a collision course now and you're taking her with you. It's not going to end well if you don't deal with what's obviously right in front of you.”
“I'm not doing this with you, Rae,” Clarke shook her head feeling extremely defensive. “I told you, I can’t.”
“No, of course not,” Raven said sarcastically as she shook her head. “Fuck her brains out all night, sure. But tell her how you really feel – God forbid.”
“For fuck’s sake, Raven,” Clarke rolled her eyes. “You make it sound like I used her.”
“You two have been using each other for years,” Raven responded matter of-factly, “but, you had an understanding and that understanding became void the second you realized that you were in love with her.”
Clarke shook her head and looked at the floor. Fuck. Okay. Maybe, Raven had a point. She hadn’t even considered that fact. Okay, that did make it seem kind of shitty.
“Stop being so damn scared,” Raven told her after a moment. “She is so obviously in love with you too.”
“Did she tell you that?” Clarke looked up at her, feeling almost hopeful.
“She doesn't have to tell me,” Raven answered as she rolled her eyes. “I see it. I see it in every interaction that the two of you have. I see it in the way that she looks at you and in the way she talks about you.”
Clarke felt her heart sink slightly as she shook her head. “I can't risk everything that I have with Lexa based off what you think that you see,” she told her.
“How do you not see it?” Raven asked loudly, clearly becoming annoyed. “Everyone sees it. Everyone!”
Clarke got to her feet and walked into the kitchen. If Raven was right, if – then why wouldn't Lexa just say something? In all the years that they had been friends, shit – in all of the years that they had been sleeping together, never once, had Lexa ever hinted that she might want anything else. Everything was always just normal between them. Even after sleeping together, they’d always just revert back to their normal behavior. Always.
Suddenly her conversation with Octavia flooding back to her mind… Why would she say something? You haven't.
This was followed quickly by flashes of the night before. The tenderness in Lexa’s touch, the passion in her kiss and the look in her eyes. Oh God, that look. “Fuck,” she said as she leaned back against the counter. Holy shit, maybe Lexa was in love too?
Was it possible that they both shared the same thoughts? The same fears? The same, feelings?
A quick rush of emotion swept through her body as tears flooded her eyes. “Rae?” She called as she turned and walked back toward the living room.
Raven stood up and looked at her curiously. ”What?”
Clarke grabbed onto her shoulder. “Are you sure that…” she barely breathed. “Do you really think that she..?”
Raven's brow furrowed as a sympathetic look crossed her face, but she smiled. “No,” she said softly. “I know it. I’ve been watching you two for years.”
A breath escaped Clarke that was something between a laugh and a sob. “I really don't want to lose her. I don’t know what I'd do, but God, I…”
“Love her,” Raven finished her sentence for her.
“So much,” Clarke nodded as her eyes welled up. “O was right. I never let myself feel it, but once I did, it just….I just…”
“What?” Raven asked curiously as she sat down, pulling Clarke with her.
Clarke closed her eyes and let her thoughts go to Lexa. That familiar warmth spread through her body as her heart fluttered and something began to pull in her chest. It was such a powerful feeling and it brought more tears to her eyes.
“It's just so strong,” Clarke shook her head, but couldn't not smile. “It’s an overwhelming feeling. I’ve never felt anything like it. It's just so, it's so real. I close my eyes, and I can feel it everywhere. In my heart, in my skin," she paused, suddenly overcome by a shiver. "I can feel it, right down into my bones. Like, it's as deep as it can possibly go. It’s just everywhere.”
“Tell her,” Raven said firmly.
“What if it’s not the same for her?” Clarke asked as a tear suddenly rolled down her cheek.
“What if it is?” Raven countered with a grin.
Clarke’s mind began to flood with the endless possibilities of what life could be like if Lexa actually did feel the same. She smiled, feeling a sudden unexpected burst of courage explode with in her. She took a deep breath. “I’m going to tell her.”