Chapter 38
In the days that had passed since finally getting Lexa to see that she needed to stop, Clarke hadn’t seen her much. Though according to Anya she was indeed taking a step back, the two were still fairly annoyed with each other and they just needed some space. They still texted, but only lightly, so Clarke was sitting on her bed, guitar in her lap just working on her music.
Valentine's Day was quickly approaching, and as per her contract, she would be spending it performing at Polis. It was, after all, one of their busiest nights of the year, so it made absolute sense for her to give up any possible plans to perform. Who knew who might see her? Silently though, she hoped that Lexa would be there, as aggravated as she still felt, she couldn't deny that she missed her being around.
Pushing the guitar aside, Clarke sighed and leaned back against the headboard. She had indirectly heard some of the things that had been said between Lexa and her mother and her mind was still fighting to understand. How was it possible that Lexa could think she wasn't good enough? Was it because of Costia?
Before Costia, Lexa had found what seemed to be the perfect balance for her work, but after, that was when she started to spiral. Clarke remembered worrying about what Costia's cheating would do to Lexa in the long run. Was it possible that it had made Lexa doubt her worth, the same way that Costia's words had made her doubt her own body?
Shaking her head, Clarke grabbed hair tie off of he nightstand and pulled her hair into a sloppy bun, just wondering what. What wasn't Lexa good enough for?
It didn't make any sense. Lexa was great, everyone thought so. How could she possibly think that she was anything less?
“You okay?” Octavia asked from the doorway.
“What’s up, O?” Clarke glanced up at her.
“Well, I was on my way to the kitchen,” Octavia said as she stepped into the room, “when suddenly, I could hear you thinking.”
“I just don't understand.” Clarke sighed and shook her head.
“Understand what?” Octavia asked curiously as she sat on the foot of the bed.
“How Lexa could think she's not good enough.” Clarke shrugged. “I mean, she's pretty amazing.”
“She is,” Octavia agreed with a nod, “but, not good enough for what?”
“I don't know,” Clarke answered. “In general? Maybe? I only overheard part of it, but she wasn't really specific.”
Octavia thought for a moment. “Did you ever think that it's you?”
“That what's me?” Clarke asked utterly confused and slightly offended. “I’d never do anything to make her feel like that. She's my best friend.”
“No,” Octavia shook her head. “That it’s you that she's not good enough for,” she explained.
“No.” Clarke instantly shook her head. “What the hell O? Stop it. You know it's not like that.”
“Maybe it is,” Octavia suggested firmly. “Maybe she wants it to be like that, but she thinks she's not good enough for you.”
Clarke thought for a moment. No. It couldn't be that. Just, no. It's not like that.
“No. I don't think so,” Clarke shook her head again. “She’d say something.”
Octavia released a small chuckled.
“What?” Clarke asked quickly, instantly beginning to feel annoyed.
“Why would she say something?” Octavia laughed this time and tucked her dark hair behind her ear. “You haven't,” she said smartly.
“Octavia!” Clarke shot off of the bed as though it had bit her. “”Knock it off,” she said as she walked over to her dresser and picked up her phone. Shit. No messages.
“Deny it all you want,” Octavia shook her head and raises her hands, “but, I know it and so does everyone else.”
Clarke only shook her head, suddenly it was oddly hard to breathe and she was hot, really hot.
“I've told you before,” Octavia continued, “you two should totally be together. I mean, it’s so disgustingly obvious that you’re in love with each other.”
Clarke's mind began to spin. In love? What? Shut the fuck up.
“Enough Octavia,” Clarke shot out quickly, feeling a bead of sweat slip down her temple. “Just stop. I’m not in love with Lexa.”
“No?” Octavia stood up and crossed her arms. “Are you sure?”
“I’m…” Clarke started, but lost her words as anger swiftly built up in her belly. Fuck this shit.
She wasn't in love with Lexa. She’s couldn't be. She'd know if she was. She loved her, of course. That went without saying. She was her best friend and had been forever, but in love with her, no. That was just, it was just – No.
“When are you just going to stop running away from it?” Octavia suddenly questioned her harshly. “You've been doing that since high school and look where you are now?”
“Shut up,” Clarke snapped back as she walked toward the door.
“Just think about how you feel when you're with her,” Octavia pushed as she followed her. “Just let yourself actually feel it.”
“I said, shut up!” Clarke yelled as she spun back around to face her.
“No,” Octavia fired back fiercely .”Damn it, just listen to me.”
“I don't want to listen to you!” Clarke shook her head and stormed out of the room. “It's bullshit.”
Grabbing her keys, Clarke quickly ran out into the snow and got in her car. She needed to get away, far away. This was too much. It was just too fucking much.
As she sped down the road her mind just reeled. This was wrong. Octavia was wrong. Just because she enjoyed being around Lexa and well, sleeping with her, that didn't automatically mean that she was in love with her.
“Fuck,” Clarke muttered as she turned the corner, feeling her back tires slide a little.
Everyone just needed to back the hell off and stay out of her relationship with Lexa. Fuck Christ. No, not relationship – her friendship. God!
Yes, Lexa was all sorts of amazing. She was every good trait that Clarke could possibly think of all rolled into one incredibly beautiful package, but…
But what?
Again, Clarke felt that odd pang of emotion go off in her chest and suddenly the air was stolen from her lungs as tears formed in her eyes. That's when it hit her. But, nothing.
“Oh god,” Clarke said aloud as she reached for her phone in a panic and quickly dialed Octavia's number. She switched it over to speakerphone and just listened to the ringing. “Pick up, damn it!”
“If you're calling to yell at me again, just save it.” Octavia said when she answered.
“O, please,” Clarke fired out immediately as her tears spilled onto her cheeks. “Please, you can't say anything to Lexa. You can't.”
“Clarke…” Octavia tried.
“Octavia, please!” Clarke desperately cut her off. “She can't know! She can’t!”
“What makes you think she doesn't already?” Octavia asked quickly.
“Please, just trust me,” Clarke practically begged. “You can't say anything like that around her. Please!”
“You should talk to her,” Octavia told her.
“I can't do that!” Clarke responded adamantly. “I can't lose h…” and that's when she felt it, the tires slipping again. She turned the wheel to try and correct it, but it was already too late.
Caught in the moment, Clarke forgot how to think and slammed on the brakes, instantly sending the car into a wild spin. “Oh fuck!” She yelled as she gripped the steering wheel hard, trying again to correct it and then she felt the impact. There was the sound of crunching metal mixed with that of shattering glass and the last thing that she heard before everything went black was Octavia screaming her name.