Chapter 7
“Anya!” Lexa yelled as she stormed through the front door, slamming it behind her.
“Well, hello to you too, squirt,” Anya replied as she looked up from her computer.
“What the hell was that?” Lexa snapped, dropping her gym bag next to the fridge.
“I thought you had a client?” Anya sidestepped.
“My client was Octavia,” Lexa glared at her. “Needless to say, she canceled.”
”Let me guess," Anya shook her head knowingly. "To go check on Clarke?”
Lexa took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Duh?
“She had it coming.” Anya shrugged simply.
Lexa's eyes opened. So not the point. “I told you to stop,” she said as she sat down and untied her sneakers.
“I’m the boss of you, not the other way around.” Anya replied as she closed her computer.
“Pfft.” Lexa shook her head quickly. So not true.
Anya laughed and rolled her eyes slightly. “So tell me, how are you doing?”
“I'm fine.” Lexa answer quickly.
“Lex, the walls are thin.” Anya’s brow furrowed. “I can hear you.”
Lexa sighed. She knew all too well how thin the walls were. The sounds of a long ago night, shared between Anya and Raven still burned bright in her memory. She shuddered.
“You miss her.” Anya stated simply.
“Of course I do,” Lexa shrugged lightly. “We were the one constant in each other's lives for so long, it's hard not to miss her.”
Anya got up and went to the fridge. “Are you even angry?”
“Of course I'm angry.” Lexa answered without hesitation.
Anya pulled some food from the fridge and placed it on the table. “You need to eat,” she told her.
“Now hungry,” Lexa shook her head, “that, I am not.”
Anya pushed the fruit bowl toward her, knowing that if she would eat anything, it would be that. “Eat something or so help me, I’ll shove it down your throat myself," she told her as she leaned back against the counter.
Lexa stood up and grabbed an apple. Fine.
“I still just can't believe that she'd let Finn convince her to do this.” Anya said quietly.
Lexa’s mouth twitched as she shook her head slightly. “Finn didn't do this.”
“You can't know that.” Anya said with a definite tone.
“Clarke makes her own decisions,” Lexa nodded. Absolutely true.
“I've seen you answer questions for her.” Anya laughed quickly.
“Never without already knowing the answer.” Lexa said sternly.
“Telepathy?" Anya suggested wth a playful smirk.
“Shut up,” Lexa nudged her. “I don’t know how to explain it," she shrugged. "I just know Clarke.”
Anya shook her head and released a small sigh. These two dummies.
There had always been something between these two, for as long as anyone could really remember they just - clicked. They had connected in a way that few people seem to do and while the highs for them were really high, the lows were simply unbearable and everyone could tell. Just as Anya had pointed out that Clarke needed Lexa, Lexa also needed Clarke. The affect these two had on each other was irrefutable. It had only been a month and Anya could already see it. Lexa moved through her day taking care of whatever she needed to, nothing along those lines suffered, but Anya could tell by looking at her that she wasn't sleeping, the bags and redness around her eyes spoke volumes. Not that they needed to, Anya could also hear her up all hours of the night and her weight was another thing. Apples had become Lexa’s go-to food, Anya couldn’t even remember the last time she'd seen her eat a decent meal.
“Do you actually have plans next weekend or did you just not want to go without me?” Anya questioned curiously.
“I have a date," Lexa assured her. “Why aren't you going?”
Anya shrugged and a silence suddenly fell between them.
“You hit her.” Lexa said, her tone now harder.
Anya redirected her eyes to meet sister's and nodded lightly. “It was the day after. It wasn't what I meant to do. I was angry and when I saw her...” she tried to explain, but didn't really understand it herself. The moment she'd hit Clarke she wanted to take it back, but she was just so infuriated that all she could do was scream at her.
Lexa took a deep breath. “You owe her an apology.”
Anya nodded again and looked at the floor.
“Anya?”
Slowly Anya looked back up at her.
CRACK!
Anya's head snapped back as Lexa's fist ironically caught in the same place that she had hit Clarke. She didn't swing back. She knew that this would come eventually. The two stared at each other for a moment, Lexa's eyes were burning. There was no need for words.
Finally, Lexa swallowed her anger and turned to walk away.
“I know that you’re not as fine as you’re claiming, alright?” Anya said harshly. “Do you really think that I can’t see it just by looking at you? You need to stop.”
Lexa’s eyes fluttered slightly as her face expressed a mere flash of pain. “I can’t,” she barely a whispered.
“What you can’t do is get lost inside your head.” Anya told her firmly. “You’re going to drive yourself mad.”
Lexa closed her eyes. “It hurts,” she said softly, then turned and made her way off to her room.
She sat on her bed, leaning back against the headboard as she closed her eyes again. It was so hard. Everything inside her was tight and tense. Her mind was pleading for a release that just wasn’t coming. She could physically feel the bundle of emotions she was carrying as though she were wearing a necklace that was far too heavy. How long would it be before she'd break beneath the weight of it?
Unlocking her phone, she clicked open her photo album and stared. Dozens of pictures filled the screen. Not just pictures of Clarke, but pictures of all of them. The pictures both warmed and broke her heart, but she couldn’t stop looking at them. Her eyes filled with tears. She did miss Clarke. Yes, it was true, she was angry and hurt, but all of that melted away when she thought of her or looked at her picture. In those moments, all she wanted to do was be around her and talk to her, to see her smiling face and hear her laugh. Today was Saturday and the only thing that she wanted was to be spending a lazy day with Clarke, lounging around in comfortable clothes as they shared some take out and binged on their favorite television shows. It was the stupidest thing to wish for, but God, what she wouldn’t give for it. Instead, here she was, sitting in her room, unable to stop her mind from analyzing just about everything.
Her mind went to Finn and the way that he’d said it was her fault. What had she done? Granted, she might have had her doubts about Finn and Clarke's relationship, but she had always been outwardly supportive of them. Why was he so angry with her? What the hell did he know that she didn't? Had she crossed some line without even realizing it? Had she done something that made Clarke uncomfortable? She tried to think back to any moment where things might have been taken the wrong way, but no matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t find anything that stuck out.
With Clarke, everything had always been comfortable and easy. They had always had that with each other. Comfort and ease, with absolute acceptance. But now, she was just caught up in a world of self-doubt.
Even her thoughts of Costia didn’t go unaffected. Though relationships had never really been her thing, she really did like her and wanted to see where things might go, but at the same time - with everything she was feeling right now, was it really right to be even attempt the lightest of relationships with someone? Should she back off? Cancel the date? Costia was definitely the one being more aggressive, but maybe now wasn't the right time.
Costia: I'm really looking forward to next Saturday.
Lexa stared at her phone, feeling the slightest hint of relief - she couldn't even lie.
Lexa: Me too.
The next morning Lexa woke up to a series of messages. She knew instantly that she was in double trouble hell.
Raven: Morning!
Raven: Have breakfast with me and O?
O: Lunch??
Raven: Dinner???
Raven: LEXA!
Raven: I thought she was an early riser??
O: She is.
O: Maybe she's ignoring you.
O: You can be annoying sometimes.
Raven: That, is an excellent point.
Raven: C
Raven: O
Raven: M
Raven: M
Raven: A
Raven: N
Lexa: SHUT UP, RAVEN!
O: That worked.
Raven: Of course it did.
Raven: Come to breakfast!
Lexa: No.
Raven: Why not???
Lexa: Because, I'm sleeping.
Raven: Uh, not anymore.
Lexa: Because, you suck!
O: Come on, Lexa!
Raven: I'll buy?
Lexa: I want coffee.
Raven: You really make it too easy sometimes…
O: Yes!
Octavia was the first to reach the restaurant so she sat alone in a booth and stared out the window. Though she and Raven had both seen and talked to Lexa since all of this started, neither of them had really pushed her much about what happened with Clarke. However, between Lexa’s comments during the video chat about how Clarke stopped speaking to her and the comments made by Anya during the chat session, something was definitely off. it didn't add up. They didn't seem like two friends who were just spending less time together. Hell, they barely seemed like friends at all.
“Morning,” Lexa yawned as she slid into the booth.
“Good morning,” Octavia replied brightly as she tucked a strand of her long dark hair behind her ear.
“Where's Raven?” Lexa questioned with a stretch.
“Not a clue.” Octavia shrugged.
Lexa shifted in her seat. “So, you want to tell me what this is about?”
Octavia smiled. "Food," she answered simply.?”
Lexa rolled her eyes and shook her head. Bullshit.
Suddenly Raven came through the door sporting her usual red leather jacket, with her dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail and a pair of aviator sunglasses resting on the tip of her nose. “Good morning, my minions,” she said with a grin as she opened her arms.
“Morning!” Octavia chirped.
“You are far too awake.” Lexa told her grumpily. “What time did you get up?”
“Never went to sleep.” Raven answered as she slipped into the booth, next to Octavia and gave her a playful nudge.
They bantered and chatted over the next hour, with Octavia and Raven not necessarily touching on the topic of Clarke, but throwing very subtle and precise comments into the mix as they tried to figure out if they could put this little puzzle together.
“Can I see your phone?” Raven finally asked as she leaned against the table and held out her hand.
Lexa’s brow furrowed. Um. “No,” she answered simply.
“Why not?” Raven questioned.
“Because, you’re a demon,” Lexa answered with the slightest of smirks as she tipped her mug toward Raven, “and I don’t trust you.”
“I’m not going to do anything, I promise.” Raven insisted. “I just want to see something.”
“You are a bit of a demon,” Octavia concurred with a nod.
“And you are just as bad.” Lexa pointed out as she motioned toward Octavia.
Octavia gasped, “I am not,” she said, placing her hand on her chest as Raven broke out in laughter.
Finally though, Lexa relented and handed her phone over to Raven who instantly opened up her recent calls. “Lex, you know you have like forty missed calls from Clarke?”
Lexa nodded. “I know. They’re from the first couple of days after we stopped speaking,” she explained. "She sent a few texts too, asking me to pick up or to call her back.”
“And did you?” Octavia questioned curiously.
Lexa shook head. Nope. “My phone was off for a few days,” she shrugged. “It seemed pretty pointless after the fact.”
“Was it also pointless to listen to the voicemails?” Raven pointed to the screen.
Lexa swallowed. Oops? “Look, I knew if it was something real serious, someone would have gotten ahold of Anya and I.”
Raven and Octavia exchanged a look.
“Maybe you should listen to them?” Octavia offered.
Lexa shook her head. Not interested.
“Why not?” Raven asked as she tilted her head. “Are you afraid?”
Lexa looked up, her eyes showing something between annoyance and sadness. “Of course not,” she responded quietly.
“Then do it.” Raven challenged, raising her eyebrow with a smirk.
Lexa clenched her jaw and swallowed hard. Seriously? Fine! Her eyes narrowed as she reached forward and retrieved her phone from Raven.
It wasn’t that she was afraid of what the messages said - that wasn't it. The problem was, she was afraid of what hearing Clarke’s voice would do to her. Clicking on the first message, she took a deep breath and held the phone up to her ear.
– Hey Lex. I need to talk to you. Call me back?
Lexa clicked the next message.
– Please call me. I think things got fucked up. I need to explain.
Explain what? Lexa shook her head and clicked the next message.
– Please Lex. Please, answer the phone. Or call me back? Text me – anything.
Next.
– I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Or maybe I said It wrong? I know I say stupid things when I’m flustered. Please call me. Please?
It was true. Clarke could easily become shit with words when she was nervous.
– Anya said that I cast you aside for Finn. Is that what you really think? Call me, okay?
What the hell was she supposed to think?
– Jasper said that I intentionally hurt you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I’d never want to hurt you. Please, just let me try to explain. This isn’t how I thought it was going to be. I just thought that us not hanging out quite as much would ease some of the tension between me and Finn. I didn’t think we’d end up not speaking at all. That’s not what I want. I’d never want that.
Lexa pouted lightly. Clarke was crying, she sounded heartbroken.
– Damn it Lexa, answer the phone!” It’s been days. Stop being stubborn and talk to me! You know I’d never choose anyone over you. That wasn’t what I meant!
Oh. Angry Clarke.
Raven and Octavia just watched as Lexa clicked from one message to the next and her face transformed through a series of emotions. They couldn’t hear what the messages said, but they could tell that whatever was being said, was not what Lexa had expected.
Lexa set the phone down.
Was it possible that she had misunderstood what Clarke was actually saying? From the day they had met, there was only one thing that they were both instantly convinced of, neither of them ever wanted to not know that other again. Could the need she’d always felt to have Clarke in her life have caused her to just jump to the worst possible conclusion?
“Not what you were expecting?” Raven’s voice cut into her thoughts.
Lexa looked up at her friends. All she could do was shake her head.
The next week passed quickly and when Saturday came Lexa decided to convert her dinner with Costia into drinks and really, everything went great. By the time she returned home she somehow even felt lighter. It was already late, but she decided to dig in and work on an article that was due on Monday, but hours later she woke up with her head on the desk and oddly enough, she felt good - really good. In fact, it had been the best sleep that she had gotten in weeks. She looked at the clock, it was just after nine in the morning.
Glancing at her phone, a sudden thought went through her head and she simply picked it up and dialed Clarke's number. Unfortunately though, it went to straight to voicemail.
– Hey. We should talk. Give me a call. I’ll be waiting.