Lightning
Day 60 //
“And that’s the last box!” Hope exclaims, tossing pieces of cardboard to the pile in the middle of the living room. Hands on her hips, she looks down to Atticus beside her. “We’re officially unpacked!”
“Woohoo!” Atticus jumps playfully. He suggests, “We should celebrate.”
“Great minds think alike, buddy.” Hope smiles, running her hands through his hair. She looks towards Kelley, who’s seated on the couch. “What do you think, Kell?”
Kelley looks around for a moment before her expression brightens, matching those of her family. “I think that’s a great idea.”
Hope watches as Atticus runs over, tackling Kelley with a hug. It almost brings Hope to tears. They’re all she has now, and it had been breaking her to watch their relationship falter over the past few weeks. She never talked about it with Kelley, but it had been obvious that Kelley was distancing herself from their child. Hope can’t tell if it’s because he reminds her too much of Kaden or if she genuinely doesn’t have the energy to focus on anyone but herself, but she does know that she misses feeling like a family. Atticus is a good kid, never requiring much attention. He is smart though, and even if he doesn’t fully understand, he knows his mom is different. She’s hurting and he wants to help more than anything, but he doesn’t know how- so he too stays away. But no matter how hard he tries to be a “big kid,” he misses Kelley. He misses his mom.
But now, without the distraction of constantly being triggered by something that reminded them of Kaden, they could concentrate on each other. They could adjust to their new life in Seattle. They walk through downtown, pick up a bag up artisan chocolate chips exclusive to Seattle, and settle back into their kitchen to make everyone’s favorite chocolate chip cookies. Atticus stands on a stool in the middle of his two parents. He watches Hope pour flour into the mixing bowl and reaches over to snag a couple chocolate chips from the bag in Kelley’s hand.
Hope snickers, “I see you, Atty.”
Atticus’ eyes widen, “But Mommy’s eating them too!”
Hope eyes the both of them, playfully reprimanding, “Save some for the actual cookies.”
“But…but…” Atticus pauses to think. “But I’m a growing boy!”
“And I’m literally growing.” Kelley adds her own logic, resting one hand on her midsection and using the other to pop another handful in her mouth.
Hope shakes her head, turning to grab the sugar. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Kelley pour almost half the bag of chips into Atticus’ hands. “Hey! You guys, seriously! We won’t have enough!”
Kelley grins mischievously, high fiving her son beside her. Their laughter becomes contagious and Hope forgets why she’s scolding them in the first place. The cookies finally make it in and out of the oven, mostly thanks to Hope, and the family of three end up on the floor munching away on their mid afternoon snack and playing a game of chutes and ladders.
Atticus wins the game. He laughs when Hope pleads for a rematch and watches as she wraps her arms lovingly around Kelley who’s settled in front of her, in between her legs. For the first time in awhile, he feels truly at home. But his five year old mind can’t help but ask a question that’s been bothering him the whole day.
His tone softens, “Mama? Mommy?”
“Yeah?” Hope and Kelley reply in unison.
“Do you think he’s mad that we’re having fun without him?” Atticus asks timidly.
Hope feels Kelley tense in her arms. She answers, “Of course not, buddy. Kaden wants us to have fun because that’s what makes us happy.”
“Oh, okay.” Atticus looks down, playing with the dice in his hands. He murmurs, “I miss him a lot.”
“We do too.” Hope echoes. “Remember what we talked about, Atty?” Her son’s eyes look up to meet her own as she points to her chest, “He’s always having fun with us…in here.”
“I know.” Atticus shrugs sadly.
Kelley speaks up for the first time, gently removing herself from Hope’s lap. “I’m going to start cleaning up the kitchen.” She walks out.
“But Mommy, I thought we were going to play another game!” Atticus calls after her before shrinking back into his position. He sighs dejectedly, knowing that he shouldn’t have brought up his brother since every time he did, Kelley would shut down and turn cold.
Hope sighs, preparing herself to do damage control as usual. She looks at her son sympathetically and reassures him, “I’m going to help your mom. It’ll make clean up go faster. Why don’t you set up the game for us again? We’ll be right back.”
Atticus nods while Hope walks down the hall to their kitchen. She stands in the doorway, watching Kelley maneuver around the kitchen and occupy herself with anything that needed to be washed. Hope asks her, “You alright?”
“Yeah.” Kelley responds, turning the kitchen faucet on. “I just want to make sure the kitchen is clean for dinner.”
“Dinner is hours away.”
“I know.” Kelley shrugs, continuing to wash everything in her sight.
Hope finally walks over, turning the faucet off. She grabs Kelley’s arms, “Put those down.” Kelley reluctantly listens, leaving a sponge and bowl in the sink. Hope gives her time.
Kelley’s eyes finally meet Hope’s, and her expression isn’t far from her son’s just moments ago. She speaks loud enough for only Hope to hear. “What if he does hate us for moving on?”
“He doesn’t.” Hope simply replies.
“How do you know that?” Kelley stresses, panic starting to settle in. Her breathing gets heavier, “I just…I’m trying, Hope. I want to have these conversations with Atticus, but I just don’t know how. I know you think I’ve been a terrible mom lately, but I-”
“I don’t think that, Kelley.” Hope’s voice is stern. “I know you’re trying.”
“I’m not like you, Hope.” Kelley admits, “I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you can talk to him about these things, how you can move on. I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t do it…” Her voice shakes, “I’m so selfish, I know. I’m not…oh god, Hope, I’m selfish. Hope, I’m not there.”
“Kelley…” Hope grips the shorter woman’s shoulders, attempting to talk her down.
“Oh my god.” Kelley repeats, realization dawning over her. “I’m not there anymore. We moved here because I’m so selfish. Damn it, Hope, I left him!”
“Shhh…” Hope tries to comfort her, “It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay for us to be happy…he wants us to be happy.”
“No,” Kelley shakes her head vigorously, “He’d want us to be with him. I left him, Hope!” She exclaims before gently saying, “I need to see him.”
Kelley quickly exits the kitchen. Hope follows her to their bedroom and watches as she pulls out a carry on from their closet and throws it on the bed. “What are you doing?”
“I need to see him.” Kelley repeats, throwing in clothes as quickly as she can. “I have to go back to Jersey.”
Hope takes a few steps towards her. She stops Kelley from lifting the luggage off their bed, “Hey, stop before you hurt yourself. Kelley, you need to breathe.” She’s gripping both of Kelley’s hands now. She takes a deep breath herself.
“No! I have to see him!” Kelley struggles against Hope, her breathing labored.
“Deep breath, please!” Hope instructs her urgently. She stares long and hard at Kelley until she feels the younger woman succumb to her. “There you go, shhh…”
“I need to see him.” Kelley pleads.
“I know…so do I.” Hope admits in a whisper.
Kelley’s eyes grow larger. “You do?”
“I think about him all the time.” Hope tells her, “I might act like everything’s okay, but deep down, I know it’s not. I don’t know what moving on looks like, but I do know that we have to. I feel the same way, Kelley- and I think Atticus does too.”
“I thought it was just me.”
“You aren’t alone.” Hope holds Kelley’s hands, intertwining their fingers. “We’ll all leave on the first available flight tomorrow morning, okay?”
Kelley’s breathing slowly returns to normal. She nods, “You promise?”
“I promise. I’ll go look at tickets right now.” Hope bends down to kiss Kelley’s forehead. She murmurs, “Whatever it takes.”
Kelley sighs, leaning in to Hope’s affection. “Thank you.”
-
Later that night, Hope wakes up in a daze. She lifts her head to the empty space beside her and tries to make sense of her dark surroundings, “Kell?”
There’s no response, but she sees the bathroom light on and hears the toilet flushing not just once, but twice. Hope waits a few minutes, but worry settles in, and she makes her way towards the dim light shining from underneath the locked door. Putting her head against the door, she asks, “Kelley, are you alright?” Again, no response. But just moments later, she hears a groan followed by sounds indicative of retching. Hope jostles the doorknob, “Open the door, Kelley.”
“Leave me alone.” A tired voice finally answers from inside.
“That’s not going to happen! I don’t understand how you think that being alone will-” Hope is interrupted by Kelley’s movements. She grimaces at the sound. She knows it won’t help to pick a fight, so she offers, “Can I bring you anything?” Hope is greeted with silence, so she just waits. The morning sickness doesn’t lighten up for the next hour and by then, Hope is pacing back and forth outside the door. She hates being shut out. Her voice fills with urgency, “Kelley, please, you don’t have to do this alone!”
The toilet flushes once again and Hope hears Kelley walk towards the door. But instead of opening it, she sees Kelley’s shadow as she takes a seat on the floor, her back slumped against the door.
Hope tries again, “Please let me in. Let me help you.”
“You can’t.” Kelley weakly responds from the other side.
Hope, too, slides down against the door, the barrier between them. She knows there’s nothing else she can do, so she just sits. She tells Kelley as lovingly as possible, “I’ll be here.” Hope sits in silence, but it isn’t long before she hears Kelley’s uneven breathing and the sound of her emotional release. Reality dawns on Hope that there’s always going to be bad nights, bad days. It breaks her.
Hope doesn’t know how to cope without Kelley, so she waits. She waits up with Kelley until exhaustion takes over and they’re both sound asleep. It’s not until early the next morning that the door flies open, rudely awakening Hope.
Kelley rushes out, bags under her eyes and hair disheveled. She urgently informs, “We’re going to be late.”
“Late?” Hope yawns, her eyes adjusting to the lights.
“Come on, Hope, wake up.” Kelley quickly changes, “We have to be at the airport in an hour.”
Hope remembers the day before and slowly gets up. Still worried about Kelley’s rough night, she cautiously asks, “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m fine.” Kelley’s a whirlwind now and there’s no stopping her. She demands, “I’ll get our stuff together. You just get Atticus. Let’s go. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
Hope sighs. Everything is all but fine.
-
At the airport, they make it through security rather quickly. Hope finds them a row of seats in the waiting area. She nervously keeps her eye on Kelley, who’s already paid the restrooms more than one visit. She hears the boarding call for their flight and just as they begin to gather their belongings, she notices Kelley pale quickly and curse under her breath. Hope anxiously stands up, but she’s too late as Kelley’s already bolted towards the bathroom once again. She balls her hands into a fist. She’s never felt so hopeless in her life.
“Mommy?” Atticus looks up from his book, seeing Kelley fade behind the bathroom doors.
Hope pushes her worries aside, continuing to gather their things. “Come on, buddy, we’re going to get on the airplane soon.”
Atticus can’t stop staring, his expression filling with worry. He puts his backpack on and leans into Hope. “Is Mommy going to be okay?”
“Yeah, yeah…she’s fine.” Hope tries to reassure him, knowing he’s a sensitive kid.
“Is she sick?”
Hope opens her mouth, but quickly closes it. They haven’t told him about the baby, yet another conversation they need to have. While the baby would be a good distraction, they didn’t want Atticus to think they were replacing his brother. Hope sighs, “Don’t worry, Atty. Mommy will feel better soon enough.”
He nods his understanding while Hope looks down at her watch. Their flight couldn’t wait forever. She begins to walk towards the restrooms, but stops as Kelley walks out. Their eyes meet and before Hope can realize what’s happening, Kelley’s in her arms. The younger woman buries herself into her chest, not able to contain her tears. Hope holds her close, kissing her head softly and soothing her as best as she could. “I’m sorry, babe.”
“I feel awful.” Kelley groans, wiping her tears away.
“I know…” Hope looks at her sympathetically. “I wish I could take your pain away…all of it.”
They hear the final boarding call and Kelley ushers them, “We have to go.”
“Kelley, wait.” Hope stops her, “Look, you aren’t well. We don’t need to do this now.”
“No, no…” Kelley’s face lights up, stubborn as ever. “I have to do this.”
“I don’t want you hurting-”
“Well I am, okay? And there’s nothing you can do about it.” Kelley says truthfully. “I already told you. This isn’t just something that I want. It’s something that I have to do. I need to see him.”
Kelley doesn’t give Hope another chance to respond. She walks ahead of them, hands her ticket in, and boards the flight. There’s nothing Hope can do other than to hold Atticus’ hand and follow in suit.