Thunder
Day 31 //
It’s been one whole month since the accident.
They navigate their new life as best as they can. With the service behind them and their family and friends giving them space, they finally have time to focus on themselves. Just the three of them. They feel lost more than ever, but Hope is optimistic. Perhaps it’s premature to label her feelings in such a positive light, but she likes to think that she has the most experience with these sort of situations. She had come face to face with adversity many times before, so she’s not surprised when life seems to test her again. She has faith that she can make it out of this, alone. She’s done it before. What keeps her up at night though is worrying about those around her. She doesn’t know how Kelley, and even Atticus, will endure this- and without them, she’s not so sure she can move on. Because this time, she doesn’t want to face adversity alone.
It’s easier with Atticus. He falls into his usual routine, school serving as a major distraction. Hope does her best to create an atmosphere that feels like old times, but at the same time tries to reach an understanding that their life is different now, and it’s okay to talk about it. Some days, he’s like any other five year old. He drinks chocolate milk after school, works on his puzzle, and asks Hope to read him a story before bed. But some days, he can’t fall asleep. He asks questions that no five year old should ever think of and cries because at the end of each day, the one thing he wishes for the most is to be able to play with his brother again. There are both good and bad days.
With Kelley though, there seems to be more bad days than good ones. She gets up each day, but doesn’t make the effort to be present. She occupies herself with small tasks around the house, never leaving unless she really needs to, and barely makes conversation with Atticus. It leaves Hope in a difficult position, having to parent the young boy alone, but she knows that maybe this is all that Kelley has to offer at the moment. They do talk about the baby on the way, but only because it’s the one conversation that doesn’t make them feel like they’re walking on eggshells, breaking underneath.
Hope yearns to be a family of four again, hoping that the newest member of the family could mend their broken hearts. She knows it’s been especially rough on Kelley, with the morning sickness finally striking at the late end of the first semester, but she remains hopeful that a new beginning isn’t necessarily a terrible thing.
Hope closes the picture book in her hand and plants a kiss on the forehead of her little boy, who’s fallen asleep. She tucks his blankets around him as carefully as possible, trying not to let the disheveled sheets on the upper bunk both her. They are untouched, and remain a task far too difficult to deal with. Hope closes the door behind her quietly, walking back into her room at the same time Kelley walks out of their adjacent bathroom. Her face is pale and she trembles with weakness as she buries herself back in bed. Hope sighs, feeling guilty that she can’t do more than place a couple saltine crackers and a glass of ginger ale by their bedside.
“Kel, I know nothing sounds appetizing to you right now, but please try to keep these down.” Hope calmly advises, sitting down next to her.
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do?” Kelley snaps back.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Hope replies, gently placing her hand on Kelley’s shoulder. “I just hate seeing you like this. I feel so helpless.”
Kelley groans softly into her pillow and rolls over, a softer expression on her face. She apologizes, “I know, and I’m sorry.” Her voice fills with annoyance, “Why is this called morning sickness when it lasts all freaking day long?”
Hope smiles sympathetically. “It’ll be worth it, I promise.”
“Hard to believe.” Kelley scoffs, further muttering, “Everything’s hard to believe.”
Hope knows this is the closest they’d get to a difficult conversation, so she jumps at the opportunity. Rather direct, she asks, “Do you want to talk about it? I’m here…I just want to make sure you’re ready.”
Kelley props herself and shrugs, removing eye contact with Hope. “I won’t ever be ready, but I need to be.”
Hope takes that as a yes. She doesn’t know where to begin, but she starts with the one thing she thinks about almost every minute of the day. “I miss him so much.” She can’t even bare to say his name.
Kelley finally looks up, her eyes equally full of distraught. “Me too.” She shakes her head, telling Hope honestly, “I can’t do this anymore.”
“We’re going to get through this, Kelley, I promise you. If there’s one thing I’m certain about, it’s that we can’t go through this alone. We need each other, and I’m going to do everything I can to-”
“No, no...I can’t do this.” Kelley abruptly interrupts her, catching Hope off guard. She gestures at the space around them. “I can’t be here.”
“Here?”
“Everything reminds me of him. I’m walking down the stairs, and I hear his laugh in the hallways. I see him playing with his food at the dining table. When I look out the window, I see him juggling a ball around. I can’t do this. I can’t move on…not here.” Kelley does her best to explain.
“Okay…” Hope understands and offers, “I can start looking at house listings and-”
“Not around here.” Kelley interrupts for a second time.
“Where do you suggest then?” Hope cautiously asks.
“I don’t know…Seattle?”
“Seattle?!” Hope’s mouth gapes open. “Kel, this is where we started our life together. We can’t leave…what about our friends? I just don’t know if moving so far away is going to help.”
“Why not? You love Seattle.” Kelley argues, slightly confused as to Hope’s opposition towards her childhood home.
“I do.” Hope sighs. She truly loves the area, but had gotten so accustomed to their life in Jersey. She couldn’t see themselves anywhere else. She proposes, “Why not closer to family? Like in Georgia, near your parents?”
“No.” Kelley immediately replies. “I can’t be near them.”
Hope frowns, not quite understanding. “Kelley, you have to let others in. We need help.”
“Well, we would have your Mom.” Kelley points out.
“She lives hours outside the city…”
“I just can’t be near my family, okay?” Kelley’s decision is clear. She tries to make things as simple as possible. “Right now, I need you and Atticus. That’s all. You are my family. You understand, don’t you? Please, Hope. I need this.”
“I do, but I just think…” Hope’s voice trails at the touch of Kelley’s hand on her own, grasping at strength. She’s still reluctant, but she remembers that she can’t do this alone. She puts Kelley first. “Okay, okay…we’ll do what we need to do.” She wraps Kelley in her arms, pulling her close.
Kelley buries herself against the older woman’s chest, relieved to reach an agreement. She whispers her gratitude quietly. “Thank you.”
-
Day 45 //
They wait until Atticus finishes up the school year. The move shocks everyone, but they understand. They support the grieving family in any way that they can.
Hope does some research, finding a small home in a suburb just outside the city. As the days go by and all their belongings become packed away into boxes, Hope finds herself mildly excited to return to the Pacific Northwest. She convinces herself that it’ll be good for Kelley, it’ll be good for all of them.
They land in Seattle, and as soon as they step off the plane, they’re greeted by the clean, crisp air. They take a breath of fresh air, ready for a fresh start.