Touch the Sky

// Day 13

The night before the funeral, everyone is gathered at their home. They sip coffee and quietly mingle with each other, the best they know how under such circumstances. Though the room is somber and a heaviness stills over them, Hope is thankful to have warm, familiar faces surrounding her. Along with their individual families, all their friends living in New Jersey had been of great help to them over the past few weeks. Some travelled cross country to be with them, namely Pinoe and Hope’s former Reign coach, Laura Harvey. They had also received numerous calls from friends overseas who couldn’t make it simply due to distance. Hope is so, so grateful.

From her spot on the couch, Hope watches as Atticus plays with Ashlyn and Ali’s son, his best friend since birth. They were just months apart and grew up to be best buddies, despite living in different states. Hope is especially thankful that Ashlyn and Ali were able to spend a whole week with them; it’s a good distraction for Atticus. She’s done her best to talk with everyone, but for now, she’s content in her own presence. That is, until Carli finds a place beside her.

Hope knows Carli’s been watching her like a hawk all night, as if she were made of glass, so fragile and ready to crack given the chance. She turns to her best friend and reassures her, “Carli, I’m fine.”

Carli crosses her arms, slightly offended, “What if I just wanted…to you know, help with planning-”

“Then you’d be over there with Christie.” Hope motions towards the kitchen where a few members of their team sat, talking and organizing all at once.

Carli follows her line of sight before frowning, “What about Kelley?”

Before Hope can have any reaction at all, Atticus perks up from his corner of the room and drops the car in his hands so he can wander over to his mother. He looks around the room and then looks expectantly up at Hope, leaning against her knees, “Where’s Mommy?”

Hope gently removes a stray hair out of her son’s face and replies calmly, “She’s resting.”

“But she’s been resting all day!” Atticus whines.

Hope knows he’s not one to complain often, but everything that’s happened lately has been exhausting and it’s really just all too much for a five year old. She sighs, leaning forward to kiss his forehead, “Don’t worry about it, buddy. It’s alright…why don’t you play for another half hour before it’s time to get ready for bed? I know you’re tired.” Atticus’ shoulders slump as he reluctantly returns to his friend on the opposite end of the room. Thankfully, he resumes playing without another word. Feeling Carli’s stare burn through her, Hope retorts, “Seriously, Carli. I’m fine! Really, I am.”

“I know you are…” Carli replies gently, her voice softening, “But Kelley…”

“Like I said, she’s resting.” Annoyance fills Hope’s voice. Kelley had gradually shut down as more and more people arrived. Hope had expected it, with the funeral nearing, but she also wishes that Kelley would do more than sulk around the house. Out of everyone, Hope understands, but she also knows that the least they could do is show their family and friends some appreciation by just being there.

Noticing Hope’s change in demeanor, Kelley’s mother gets her daughter in law’s attention, “Hope, honey, Dan and I can go check on her, if that’ll help.”

Hope shrugs, sending them half a smile, “You can try.”

Her in-laws nod, and head upstairs to their bedroom. Everyone carries on and Hope does her rounds again, making sure everyone is content with their coffee and tea. She’s making her way back towards the kitchen when muffled voices resound from upstairs, and she stops in her place. She immediately has a bad feeling within her and she feels herself fall into a state of panic. Her eyes shoot up, and luckily they’re greeted by Erin, who also looks like she’s swallowing back something. Hope knows they’re close as sisters, and if anyone could coax Kelley into joining them, she’d be able to. Erin understands, and without one word spoken between them, she’s headed upstairs as well. Hope resumes placing empty mugs into the kitchen sink. She begins to head back to her spot on the couch, but when she realizes that one other person’s been missing all night, she heads out the back door onto their patio looking over the backyard.

Tobin’s curled up on their swing, her eyes staring intently into the night. Hope sits beside her teammate and gently nudges her in greeting, “Hey you.” Tobin doesn’t say anything return, not even turning her head to face Hope. She’s thinking, long and hard. Hope places a hand on her shoulder, softly reprimanding, “Please stop blaming yourself, Tobin.”

As soon as Hope’s words get out, Tobin leans her chin on her curled up knees, doing her best to keep her composure. Her vibe almost always matched Kelley’s, but she and Hope, well they had history together. They had been teammates for much longer and Tobin had always been level headed, understanding, when it came to Hope and all her so called transgressions. It’s a friendship that Hope will forever be thankful for. But even far beyond that, Tobin’s seen it all- she may not say as much as Carli does, but she’s watched Hope and Kelley this whole time. Deep down, she’d always known there was something special between them. So when she and Christen finally ended up together, and they decided to settle down in Jersey, Tobin knew she wanted her two former teammates to be a big part of their lives. Hope and Kelley, the same.

Hope watches as her younger friend soothes her mind and also tries to comfort her, “It’s not your fault…” Hope thinks back to that fateful day, her voice shaking, “In fact, you saved her. I could’ve lost the both of them, but I didn’t. You saved her, Tobin.” She repeats, but the younger woman remains silent. Hope sighs, looking around before quietly revealing, “Kelley is pregnant.”

Tobin’s head almost immediately snaps in her direction. Her eyes widening and locking in Hope’s stare. The keeper nods and further explains, “We had only found out about a week before…everything happened. You’re the first to know. We haven’t told anyone, not even our families…Kelley wants to keep it quiet.” Hope says, still doubtful about Kelley’s decision.

Knowing that Tobin is still searching for her words, Hope continues, “The baby is okay, Tobin. And that’s because of you…so thank you. Thank you for keeping them safe when I wasn’t there.” She gulps, a tone of guilt arising in her voice.

Tobin nods, letting out a heavy sigh. Hope finds herself at ease as a glimmer of light returns to Tobin’s eyes. The younger woman, her voice strained but full of Hope, whispers in reply, “You’re welcome.”

-

Moments later, Hope pulls up a chair at the planning table alongside Christie, Lauren, Christen, and Alex. The four of them have been God sent, taking full reign of the weekend’s schedule. Hope had tried to help out, but with Atticus and Kelley, and their families coming in, she hadn’t had the time to fully sit down with them. They never did mind though; all of them had reassured her that everything would be taken care of. They’re explaining catering details to Hope when a mix of loud voices echo down the stairs and into the living room.

“I…I didn’t mean to! It just happened, I swear, I didn’t mean to!”

“Oh Kelley, of course you didn’t.”

“I did nothing wrong, and he’s still gone. He’s gone!”

“Oh, sweetheart…”

The living room gets quieter by the second as everyone’s eyes drift towards the stairs leading upstairs. Everyone’s hearts go out to their suffering friend, never imagining that she- or her loved ones- would ever be in this state. Some feel themselves reduce to tears and some turn to Hope, offering support. Hope feels her chest tighten and blocks everyone around her, only hearing Kelley’s strained cries and pleas for comfort and peace.

“It’s not my fault! Please…” Her cries only get louder. “It’s not my fault!!!”

Hope flinches, and when her own mother tries to touch her shoulder, she stands up and briskly walks away. When she reaches the top of the stairs, she faces Dan, Karen, and Erin, looking so out of place, so helpless. Dan’s hand is on the doorknob, and he jostles it for good measure before turning to Hope. A tear escapes from his eyes, for his little girl and her family, and his voice cracks, “She locked us out.”

Hope understands; it’s something that Kelley’s been good at recently- quite literally shutting people out of her life. She lets Hope in, but occasionally, there are times when she needs to be alone and with one swift maneuver, Hope’s locked out. The keeper quickly mouths to her loved ones that she’ll handle it, and sends them away. They’re Kelley’s family, but they don’t deserve to see her like this, not when she won’t even let them in.

Hope now stands alone beside the door, just like she’s done on previous occasions throughout the week. “Babe? Kell? It’s me.” All she hears in return is muffled crying and Hope’s heart breaks as she pictures Kelley curled up on their bed, letting her tears soak into their pillows. “Can I come in?”

Though she expects no response, Hope feels a pit grow in her stomach. She almost feels nauseous just thinking about their life; they’re a mess. She begins to lose faith, not even beginning to fathom how they’re going to pull through this together. Her jaw clenches at the thought of their future, if they even have one anymore, and she angrily pleads.

“I need you.”

Hope feels anger arise inside her. She’s mad at the situation they’re in. She’s mad at herself for not being able to fix her family. She’s mad at Kelley making her go through this alone, for not understanding that this something they have to do together if they want to make it out alive. She’s mad because she’s in desperate need.

Her knees begin to tremble, so she paces up and down the hallway to keep herself from falling. When she feels herself under a familiar stare, she immediately stops with her hands on her hips, “For God’s sake, will you just stop watching me?!”

Carli is standing at the end of the hallway, adamant in staying, “Jesus Hope, I don’t care! You need me, so I’m going to be here…I’ll always be here.”

“Just leave me alone, okay?” Hope feels bad for being so harsh, but she can’t even wrap her mind around her own thoughts yet alone deal with someone else’s feelings. “What I need, Carli, is to be alone. Please.”

Fortunately, there’s an honestly in Hope’s voice that forces Carli to give her some space. She continues to walk down the hall before her body can’t hold itself together anymore, and she’s leaning against the wall, slumping down it in defeat. Hope sits on the floor, crying into her hands for a decent amount of time before she physically feels another body slide down beside her. It’s not Carli, she knows. She can feel the sadness and depression radiating off the other person; she had felt it all night.

It’s Jerry, Kelley’s brother. He, the most like Kelley, hasn’t said more than a greeting since his arrival with the rest of the family. He had always been the most easygoing, most carefree, but he and Hope never quite got along. Hope had figured that he just never quite reached the level of forgiveness for Hope that everyone else had reached. He adored his older sister, so when her heart had been broken by Hope in the past, he had taken it almost just as hard. Hope hadn’t expected him to be close to her; she’s already more than grateful that Dan, Karen, and Erin had been so gracious to her. So if Jerry wasn’t quite there with the rest of them, Hope didn’t mind. They had a mutual respect for each other as human beings, and they left it at that. No extra effort, no special treatment.

But this time, Hope treats him differently than she would with anyone else in the household right now. She lets him stay. It’s right there and then that the two push their hard feelings aside, into the past. What’s done is done; they’re family now, more than ever. Hope lets him stay because despite their differences, she knows that he understands her the best- just like Kelley. Jerry isn’t there to comfort her; he’s there to be just as sad as she is. He’s not going to sugarcoat anything and tell her “Don’t worry, this is just another obstacle in life.” Because in reality, this isn’t. Hope’s not sure what this is, but it feels like the world’s testing her in some sick way.

So Hope lets Jerry stay, leaning her head on his shoulder as both their bodies tremble with tears. This is all that Hope needs; for people to be sad and helpless with her, for them not to tell her that everything’s going to be alright and that she needs to stay strong. This time, she’s not going to be strong.

She just can’t be, at least not in this very moment.

// Day 14

It’s a celebration of life.

They remember, together. They surround each other with smiles and hold on extra tight to memories- to him- until pure love fills the empty void of each of their hearts. It’s a surprisingly uplifting experience, and everyone smiles that much more because it’s what he would have wanted.

But when they finally lay him to rest, there’s a chill in the air, a reminder of their new reality settling in. Everyone’s completely silent, hoping and praying for each other- for this heartbroken family. Once the final words are spoken, people begin to disperse. Hope is the one to thank people and invite them back to their home for a small reception. When she shakes hands with the last person, she looks over her shoulder and at Kelley’s small figure kneeling graveside. She swallows, and she thinks about wandering over and placing two hands on the younger woman’s shoulders, helping her up. But Hope assumes the worse and realizes that because she really doesn’t know what to do nor how to communicate anymore, she should walk away.

“Wait.”

Hope stops, her heart, mind, and feet all in conflict. She turns around and is met with a helpless and confused pair of hazel eyes. The sight itself almost reduces Hope to tears.

“I need you too.”

Hope doesn’t waste another moment and Kelley is soon in her arms, and they both shut their eyes, hold on to each other and the memories they have left, and allow the healing to begin.