Chapter 3
Jane pulled her long hair back into a messy bun as she sat down at the desk. As she reached over to grab a pen and paper, her eyes flickered towards the half empty packet of envelopes sitting on the corner of her desk. Holy Shit she thought as she mentally counted them up. I can’t believe I’ve actually been doing this. Writing letters to Maura. It had been two weeks since her mini breakdown after she wrote the first letter and she had written a letter every day since. Jane had almost started to look forward to being able to end the day, come back and write to Maura about all the things she could never say. 14 letters. Holy shit Jane. That’s a shit ton of envelopes. Maybe if you just called…. Jane sighed. She still hadn’t called Maura. Still hadn’t found the courage to. And she hated herself for it. It weighed on her every day. I want to, she told herself over and over. Well why don’t you? It’s not that straight forward! Yes it is; just pick up the phone and dial her number. You don’t even need to dial her number – she’s on speed dial anyway. Yes, but… It’s really not that complicated Jane. You don’t understand. Of course I understand you idiot – you’re having a conversation with yourself inside your head so yes, I think I do understand.
‘Ugh, why does it have to be this complicated,’ Jane shouted at the desk. Jane twirled the pen around in her fingers. Why am I struggling so much about this? Jane put the pen to the piece of paper she had out, pushing down hard.
Hey Maura.
It’s been really nice writing to you these past couple of weeks, not that I was actually writing you ‘you’ but you know. And I am glad that you won’t get to read some of these letters because I feel like it would change the way you see me. Honestly, it’s changed the way that I see myself. Which is why this will be my last letter for a while. I know that I’m a coward for not phoning you, yet. I tried, I really did, but every time that I picked up the phone and dialed your number I just couldn’t go through with it. After so long, so much waiting, I couldn’t bring myself to hear the disappointment in your voice. Knowing that I’ve let you down haunts me every day. I am so sorry.
Jane swallowed down a lump in her throat.
I’m sorry Maura. I’m sorry I let you down, that I never called or visited. I’m sorry I was such a coward. You know that I would die protecting you from anything bad, but right now the only thing I can think of is that it’s me that’s hurting you. I’m sorry I’m a crappy friend, if I even deserve that title right now.
I’m so lucky to have you as a friend, you mean the world to me.
I’m sorry.
Jane.
Jane looked over what she had just written. The realization of what was on that page hit her like a truck. Holy crap.I need to get some air. Jane flung open the door to her apartment and ran outside. It was pouring with rain and Jane was hardly dressed for the occasion but she couldn’t care less. Isn’t this what you always do anyway? Run away from all your problems? Jane kept running. Running, as far away as she could go.
The cold rain seeped through her clothes; her hair drenched and hanging in long black curls down her back. She slowed down. Where the shit am I? Oh crap. A burning sensation started in her stomach and rose up through her throat. Jane managed to make it to the nearest bush before the turmoil of what had been the past couple of weeks came up. How the hell did I end up here. Jane pondered over that though; did she mean here as in the middle of the bush at night or here as in the disastrous moment in her life. Well, I really fucked up this time didn’t I? Jane moved over to the nearest tree and slid down till she was sitting on the wet ground. Jane looked up into the dark night sky, lighting up every so often with a flash of lightning. Jane remembered all of her runs with Maura. That one time she rolled her ankle and had to play it cool with Martinez. The time she was actually dragging Maura along after she donated her kidney. Maura, who had donated a kidney to a half-sister she hardly knew. Maura, who was so selfless and kind and compassionate. Maura deserved the world and instead got me as a crappy friend who couldn’t even see what was in front of her. Jane thought back to the last time she saw Maura, and what she said.
‘Jane. Promise me one thing’, Maura had called out as Jane started making her way to board the plan.
‘Sure, anything.’ Jane replied, wondering what on earth could be so important that the usually composed Maura would feel the need to blurt out.
‘Please, don’t forget about me’, said Maura.
‘Of course I won’t! I’ll phone you and I’ll be visiting so don’t you worry’. Jane looked back at Maura who had a puzzled look in her eyes, like she was waiting for Jane to do something of say something. Maura opened her mouth to speak just as the final boarding call came over the loud speaker. Taking one last look at Maura, she headed off.
Jane let out a sob. Back then, Maura’s words had made no sense, but now the feeling that she was losing Maura was all too real. Of course, most of her memories were still clear in her mind, but some of the smaller things, little details as such, were becoming distant; cloudy. I don’t want to forget.
I promise I won’t forget.