Chapter 4
Jane groaned as her alarm clock beeped loudly, drawing her away from her much needed sleep. Having gotten back into her apartment rather late last night, soaking wet and cold, Jane wanted nothing more than to stay wrapped up in the warm covers; to crawl under them and forget about life. But no, she had a class of recruits to teach. Yay. Recruits. The fun ones. Not. Cheerful, naïve, recruits who don’t know how mean life can be. I like my job, sure, but now that I’ve settled in and the glossiness has worn off, well, sometimes it can be a bit of a drag. You know what would make this day better? Phoning Maura. Jane groaned and rolled over in bed. Yes, she wanted to phone Maura, but could she? Well not now, considering she had slept through three alarms and was pushing her punctuality right this moment. Later, she told herself. Today.
Hopping up, she chucked on her ‘Rizzoli’ uniform; a dull colored t-shirt and a pantsuit. Jane liked to be adventurous. Looking up at the clock beside her bed, the bright numbers flashed at her 06:57.
Shit.
‘Agent Rizzoli. Glad to see you could make it today, considering you are the teacher of our class.’
Kyle. What a dumbass dickhead. What I would give to get some tape and shut him the hell up.
‘Thank you Kyle. Just knowing that I get to see your smug baby face in the morning gives me the strength to get here,’ Jane shot back at him, earning a few snickers from the other recruits. Jane had a moderately good class. Of course there were the arrogant know-it-alls – Jane hated them. Damn, they really piss me off. If Maura were here, she would know what to do to get them in line. Maura. Jane swallowed. As soon as I’m finished teaching this lot, I am going to phone her.
The hours passed by slowly, each time the minute hand ticked over, a new wave of nausea flooded through Rizzoli. Damn right I’m nervous. There’s no knowing how Maura is going to react.
As the class drew to a close, and the recruits filed out, Jane knew that she had two options. Well I could go and get some food, because I hate these 2.5 hour classes. Then there was the slightly scarier option. I could phone Maura. All I need to do is step outside, find a spot, and phone. Jane took a deep breath in. Can I do this?
Jane stepped outside, breathing in the crisp morning air, and walked to a private area in the courtyard. She looked down at her phone.
9:43am.
That should give me enough time to say what I want to say before my next class starts at 10am. Well, what do I want to say? Jane knew damn well what she wanted to say, but she knew that required a very long conversation. You’ve been over his a million times, Jane. Pull yourself together. Just breathe. She hit dial and held the phone up to her ear.
The phone rang. And rang. And rang, before finally going to voicemail.
Jane tried again. The same thing happened. This time, Jane decided to leave a voicemail.
‘Hey Maura, it’s me, Jane. I was really hoping to get to speak to you but I guess you’re busy. Um, I’m really not sure where to start. I guess the main thing is, I’m really sorry I haven’t called or texted. I really hope you can forgive me. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking over the past few weeks, actually I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about you, and I haven’t been able to find the courage to pick up the phone and call you. There’s something I need to tell you Maura. And I know you’re probably pissed at me, and you have every damn right to be, but if you’re willing to hear me out, well, just please give me a shot to explain.”
A lump started forming in her throat. Shit, shit. There are too many people around Rizzoli, don’t start crying for god sake. At least get to a damn bathroom.
Rushing through the bustling corridors, Jane managed to make her way into a relatively private bathroom. Having gone exploring – as you do – in her early days at the academy, Jane had labelled this reasonably concealed bathroom as her ‘In case of Emotions’ bathroom. Leaning heavily against the cubicle walls, Jane knew that this was it. I screwed up. I missed my chance. I had so many damn chances and I screwed up. Maura was the one good thing in my life and I screwed her around until she was gone. Shit, I’m such an idiot. Nope, no crying. I’ve got class in 10 minutes. Pull yourself together Jane. Work now, emotions later. Unlocking the cubicle, Jane walked out, and practically straight into a young recruit.
‘Oh shit, sorry, um, didn’t see you there sorry’ the girl squeaked. ‘Sorry, sorry. Really sorry Agent Rizzoli!’
Jane looked at the girl. Although she was trying to avoid eye contact, Jane assumed she was here for the same reason Jane was. The girls eyes were tinged red and still slightly misty. Jane figured this was probably what she looked like too. Crap. What was her name? First year recruit. Young, excited, cheeky, but definitely willing to put in the effort. Jane like this girl.
‘Maggie!’
‘Um, yes?’ Maggie looked at Jane fearfully, with Jane realising that her vocalised excitement of remembering the girl’s name was probably quite terrifying.
‘Oh shit, sorry Maggie. Are you ok?’
“Are you?” Maggie shot back, challenging the former detective’s question.
Damn this girl is smart. She’s going to make a great Agent one day. Jane smiled at her as she moved towards the exit, but just as she opened the door, a series of screams echoed along the walls, sending chills up Jane’s spine. Seconds later, a series of gunshots sounded, from where, Jane had no idea. Slowly shutting the bathroom door, Jane knew exactly what was happening.
Jane remembered back to the hostage situation at the precinct, her hand instinctively moving towards the scar from the gunshot. Danny, Frankie, Maura. The young witness. Jane glanced over at Maggie who was looking at Jane, completely terrified. This time, Jane thought. This time I’ll protect her. I couldn’t save the witness but I’ll damn well make sure I save her.
More gunshots. The lights overhead flickered, before switching off. Don’t panic Jane. The emergency lights will activate any second now. Any second… The dark is a scary place. Jane felt lost. Disorientated. No, you have to stay strong. Keep it together. She felt as if an invisible hand was reaching towards her neck, slowly tightening its grip. Just breathe Jane, breathe. But Jane couldn’t breathe. She remembered the panic from the hostage standoff at the precinct. Seeing Frankie on the table. Maura trying to save him. Almost being shot in the stairwell. Leaving the witness. Being dragged away from Maura. The barrel of the gun pressed up against her, and the feeling that she might die. Back then, Jane never appreciated what she had to loose. But now, she didn’t want to die. She couldn’t die. She couldn’t die without talking to Maura. Telling her the truth. The grip got tighter. Jane felt tears streaming down her cheeks. I can’t fight this. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I don’t think I have enough fight left in me.
The emergency lights blinked on, lighting up the bathroom dimly. The grip loosened and Jane gasped for breath, making eye contact with Maggie as she did. Shit Jane, you’re doing a damn great job of inspiring confidence right now.
Although she could now breathe, Jane felt paralyzed from fear. How the hell am I supposed to protect Maggie if I can’t even get up?