Chapter 2
The lock to Jane’s apartment clicked open and Jane quickly came through the door. Shit. How the hell did that happen she asked herself. She glanced over at the clock. 10:43pm. What the hell Jane. You have class tomorrow.
‘Oh my god. Shit! I’m such an idiot!’ Jane angrily said to herself as she kicked off her shoes. One of them flew off and hit the wall with a rather heavy thud. Ah shit. Well congrats Jane. Continuously damaging property. As she huffed over to pick up the shoe, her eyes flickered over to the desk where her writing stuff from last night was still out. No Jane she told herself. That was a one off. Why do you feel the need to continue to write letters to Maura? Because she’s a lot damn easier to talk to than having this god awful conversation in my head right now. But do you really want to do this? After tonight? You just don’t know what you might end up writing. And as Jane came to the decision that writing another letter to Maura might actually not be a great idea – because who actually writes letters to their best friend and never sends them anyway, Jane found herself sitting at the desk, reaching for her pen. Well then. Apparently my subconscious had a slightly different plan. The past 24 hours, since the last time Jane had written to Maura had probably been the most eventful in the time that she had been there – what a sad life. Where even to start?
Hey Maura! It’s me again. Well obviously you know it’s me. I’m not really sure why I’m writing to you again. Well, I know why I’m writing to you again but I don’t know why. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. I don’t even know.
Today I went out with Agent Davis. I didn’t really want to see anybody today, but I felt like you would’ve encouraged me to get out there and have some fun because maybe it would lighten my spirits and make my time here a bit easier. Besides you always told me that Agent Davis was kind of good looking? So I thought that there was going to be a group of us there, but when I got to the bar it was just him. Apparently his friends has ditched him. I’m sure they did. The little shit was cunning – I’ll give him that.
And we were just sitting there talking and it was all good and I was truly having a good time but I just… I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know a lot of things these days. The thing is, Agent Davis is a really great guy. He’s funny and he’s smart and he is so kind and he can take care you himself, and I feel like there should be something more there but there isn’t. I don’t feel anything in that sense. And I feel like I should feel something. The thing that really gets me is that when we were sitting there, chatting and I looked at him, I couldn’t help but think what would it be like if you were sitting there instead. And I thought back to all those times at the Dirty Robber when we went and got drinks and how natural and good that felt, and sitting there, chatting with Agent Davis, gave me the feeling like I was a fish out of water. And he kept telling me all this stuff and, don’t get me wrong, we were having amazing conversations, but I kept thinking about you. I guess I just must be feeling really homesick right now.
Last night I had a little break down. Ok, it wasn’t so little. It’s so weird that I’m telling you this, because even thinking about mentioning to someone that I feel just a little bit lonely makes me feel ashamed but it is just so damn easy to tell you about all this crap. I guess because you have seen me at my worst – you’ve been with me through Hoyt, helped me get through Frost’s death, Alice Sands, and I’m not that afraid for you to see me so broken anymore. I cried Maura. I genuinely cried. And it felt so awful but so good at the same time - to finally let everything out. When I woke up this morning, my eyes were so red and puffy and I hardly recognised myself. Some days, I stand in front of the mirror and try to find the old Rizzoli, hoping that she is in there somewhere. Being here feels like a part of me is missing , and the whole time I’ve been trying to work out why I feel like that when last night it suddenly hit me. It’s you. I guess I can admit that some days, when life really sucked, knowing that I would have your shoulder to lean on made getting through those days just that little bit easier. You and I, we were always a team, you know? Dr Isles and Detective Rizzoli. Rizzoli and Isles. Shit, this is hard to say, but I really do miss our dynamic, what we had. That kind of friendship is irreplaceable and I’m worried that I’m going to lose what we have.
Jane.
Jane read over what she just wrote. Wow. Where did that even come from? Is that actually how I feel. What do I even feel? What even… No, Jane. Just seal the damn letter and forget about it. Tomorrow things will go back to normal. The reassurance that Jane was offering herself was not reassuring. Something was niggling away at her and she couldn’t pinpoint what it was. It was damn frustrating. Shower. A shower will clear your head. Jane hopped up and headed towards the bathroom, the cold tiles sending shivers through her feet. Jane flicked the shower nob on to hot and waited until steam started to fill the shower before hopping in. As the warm water cascaded down her back, drenching her thick black hair, Jane couldn’t help but wonder, why am I so confused right now? I don’t understand why everything is like this. All Jane wanted to do was scream. Scream until everything went away, until all her thoughts made sense. Maybe I should just call her. That’s probably the problem. I just haven’t called Maura in a while.
Jane turned the shower off. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will call Maura.