dorito motherfucker part 1
You have entered the chat: buckyyy what the f uck
You have changed the chat name to: Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza
patrioticsass: ...
patrioticsass: i need some help
richbich: wait isn't this the chat u made when buck broke up with you and you invited everyone but him and u basically cried and ranted to us in incoherent sentences for almost 10 hours
patioticsass: um no wtf haha
richbich: bitch i have receipts you cant fucking hide
patrioticsass: ANY DAMN WAY
patioticass: it is almost bucky's birthday and i have no idea what to do,,,,,
russianhoe: but i thought u had a whole planner dedicated to birthday ideas???
watchlikeahawk: he does wtf
russianhoe: yeah he does it's actually very sweet if not kinda fucking creepy
patrioticsass: BUT NATASHA I USED EVERY IDEA FROM THE PLANNER ON HIS 27TH!!!! THAT MEANS I HAVE. NO. FUCKING. IDEAS. LEFT.
russianhoe: STEVEN GRANT YOU DID NOT USE EVERY IDEA THAT BOOK HAS TO BE 5 FUCKING POUNDS EASY
patrioticsass: ... wait what planner r we talking about now
watchlikeahawk: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
richbich: that's nasty as shit leave me the fuck outta ur damn sex life i have been violated
russianhoe: ,,,, no steve we did not need to know about the Violent Birthday Sex u and ur husband had
patrioticsass: no that wasn't what that planner was about haha u guys are so funny LOL
watchlikeahawk: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
russianhoe: anyway
russianhoe: what exactly do u propose we do to help you with ur,,,, dilema
watchlikeahawk: wait im actually genuinely confused r we going to be looking for gift n party ideas or the,,,,, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ideas,,,,,,
patrioticsass: PLEASE SHUT TF THE FUCK UP I MADE A SIMPLE MISTAKE
watchlikeahawk: damn,,, rude bitch,,,, i was just asking a question
richbich: steve where do u want us to look?
patrioticsass: ummm just look at pinterest for gift ideas for a spouse or significant other
russianhoe: noah fence steve but i have looked @ ur pinterest acct and u have more pins and boards than a divorced white mother named sharon trying to be the "cool" and "hip" mom at the PDA meeting but when the group doesn't like her ideas she goes home to bake recipes that she insists her great-great grandmother made but they are really just more recipes she found on pinterest like how to we suppose we find ideas that you have already found
richbich: damn natasha that was oddly specific u okay??
russianhoe: um yeah haha
patrioticsass: YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK Y'ALL I COME HERE TO ASK FOR HELP AND I GET ROASTED INSTEAD LET ME JUST DEAL WITH THIS ON MY OWN AND GET GREY HAIRS AT THE TENDER AGE OF 25 OKAY FUCK YOU
russianhoe: steve you already have grey hairs....
patrioticsass: please,,,, i just wanna make my husband feel less insecure abt his aging through a grand romantic gesture,,,, help,,, me
richbich: okay damn brb i think i have someone who can help
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You have recieved a message from: richbich
richbich: hey babe sorry if im interrupting something but i need your help like desperately
mspotts: Do you have another oddly shaped rash on your right butt cheek again?
richbich: um,,, i don't think so
mspotts: Than I hardly see the issue.
richbich: god damn i didn't even tell u what the issue was !!
mspotts: ...
mspotts: What do you need, Tony?
richbich: ok so its bucky's 28th bday and steve is panicking because he doesn't have any ideas left in his organizer thing
mspotts: WHAT THE FUCK I HELPED HIM ORGANIZE THAT PLANNER. THEY WERE AMAZING, INTRICATE IDEAS THAT ENSURED SUCCESS. IT WEIGHTED EXACTLY 4.11 POUNDS. HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN.
richbich: what the fuck
mspotts: I mean... how unfortunate.
mspotts: Proceed.
richbich: he wants like,,, a grand romantic gesture,,,, ur a grand romantic person so i just thought u could help him out :)
richbich: and by the way he ran out of ideas in his Violent Birthday Sex Organizer not the heavy one
mspotts: OH MY GOD. DOES THAT BOI HAVE ANY REGARD FOR MY FUCKING IDEAS. I TOLD HIM TO USE IT SPARINGLY. I JUST GAVE IT TO HIM LAST YEAR.
richbich: WHAT THE FUCK
mspotts: Oh
mspotts has left the chat.
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You have entered the chat: Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza
richbich: so,,,, i have nothing
patrioticsass: sigh
patrioticsass: i am the absolute worst husband ever. i want to give him everything in the world and i can't even think of single fucking birthday present.
russianhoe: everything in the world??? boi remember when u jokingly proposed to him with a tiny onion ring from burger king and he thought you were being serious and he put it on his ring finger and started crying
russianhoe: i don't think he'll mind of you give him something a little bit shitty
watchlikeahawk: yeah :) he loves you and a birthday present wont change that
richbich: ... i guess
patioticsass: aw u guys r so sweet
patrioticsass: ur right too
patrioticsass: i should just chill and let it come to me
russianhoe: yeah. it's not like you'll be able to live up to your past presents anyway. i mean,,, you fucking proposed to him on his 23rd !
patrioticsass: past...
patrioticsass: past
richbich: steve
patrioticsass: p a s t
patrioticsass: p a s t
watchlikeahawk: steve are u okay???!!!!
patrioticsass: i have an idea
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You have received a message from: patrioticsass
patriotsass: I NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY IMMEDIENTLY A S A P
agentcarter: what is it steve?
patrioticsass: YOU KNOW HOW UR GRANDFATHER FOUNDED SHIELD AND NOW U CAN ACCESS LIKE ANYTHING
agentcarter: yes steve i am aware
patrioticsass: OKAY WELL I NEED YOU TO GO INTO THE STORAGE ROOM AND BRING ME THE BULLET
agentcarter: steve, our artillery is immense. you are going to have to be a bit more specific
patrioticsass: no i mean,,, the bullet
agentcarter: oh
agentcarter: ... why
patrioticsass: because it represents how bucky and i will do anything and anything at all for each other ??
agentcarter: no i know that what specific purpose does it serve to you now??
patrioticsass: you'll see
agentcarter: um that was mysteriously vague what the fuck
patrioticsass: shhh my child. all we be resolved in the end.
agentcarter: no
patrioticsass: i'll make it worth ur while( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
agentcarter: fine ill fucking do it just don't don't do that ever again
patrioticsass: done
...
You have received a message from: patrioticsass
patrioticsass: hey baby
winteriscoming: hiiii
patrioticsass: can u please do something for me???
winteriscoming: um sure what do u need
patrioticsass: give me your wedding ring back
patrioticsass: bucky???
winteriscoming: i thought we worked past this.
patrioticsass: um what lol
winteriscoming: so this is a joke to you.
patrioticsass: i dont know what ur talking about just please give me ur wedding ring i need to give it to someone
patrioticsass: OH FUCK I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT
winteriscoming: you found someone else. is it peggy? tony?
winteriscoming: who the fuck is it steve i swear to fucking god
patrioticsass: wtf?????
winteriscoming: you know what, never fucking mind
winteriscoming: i'll leave the ring on the kitchen counter. i'll be gone before you get home.
patrioticsass: oh where r u going buck??
winteriscoming: natasha's probably
patrioticsass: oh okay i hope u have fun !!!
winteriscoming: ...fun?
winteriscoming: i never thought you could be such a heartless bastard
winteriscoming: i hope you're fucking pleased with yourself
patrioticsass: um what?? it's been a good day i guess lol
winteriscoming has left the chat.
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You have received a message from: patrioticsass
patrioticsass: well that was fucking weird...
scarletwitch: omg what
patrioticsass: oh nothing i guess
patrioticsass: do u mind if i drop by your place for a while?? i have a Secret Important Job for you,,,
scarletwitch: oh sounds fucking saucy
patrioticsass: oh no it's actually more of a romantic thing
scarletwitch: im not fucking romantic wtf
patrioticsass: im not asking you to give any romantic advice or anything,,
patrioticsass: ,,, i've heard you're pretty good with ur hands
scarletwitch: oh girl u have no idea
patrioticsass: great !! im coming by with a very special bullet that i need you to melt into a rings. im also bringing my husband's wedding band and i was wondering if you could merge or intertwine them???
scarletwitch: oh,,, i thought you were gonna ask something else
patrioticsass: oh what
scarletwitch: oh nothing lol u can come whenever u like haha
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Saturday, 2:34 AM
You have entered the chat: Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza
patrioticsass: u guys i finished bucky's present!!!
richbich: damn his birthday's today and you got it finished in time?? what is it
patrioticsass: okay so do u guys remember how in bucky and i's first mission together we were taking down the red skull and his gang
watchlikeahawk: yeah
richbich: kinda
russianhoe: ... yes
patrioticsass: well i pushed bucky out of a bullet's path and it was embedded in the wall and so shield gathered the bullet for evidence and i got it
richbich: you gave ur husband a used bullet for his birthday...
patrioticsass: sorta!!
patrioticsass: i asked wanda to melt the bullet and intertwine it with bucky's wedding band and she engraved "'til the end of the line" on the inside bc its our Thing and it looks beautiful im so happy with it
patrioticsass: i think he'll like it
richbich: ew im gonna throw the fuck up
watchlikahawk: that is so fucking cute i just
russianhoe: ... steve is that why you asked james for his wedding ring back
patrioticsass: yeah why?
russianhoe: ...
russianhoe: you stupid fucking dorito motherfucker
To Be Continued...™