Confessions
"Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord what fools these mortals be"
-A Midsummer Night's Dream
Thursday, January 13th 2011
5:44pm
Dr. Hannigan’s Office
“The church was white, and brown, and looked very old.” Dr. Hannigan spoke slowly and with clarity in a tone clearly meant to put James at ease. However it only aided to his anxiety, the boy already all too aware that he could never convince his mouth to obey him with such deftness.
“The ch-ch-ch-church was wa-white and b-b-brown and looked vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh-” James couldn't force the word out, feeling his face growing red, vision blurring, the air around him suddenly hard to breathe. Very. It's very, just say it. “Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh-” He glared at his speech therapist, the man only watching his humiliation with calm patience when he could end it at any moment. Just let me stop. It's no fucking use, just let me stop and give me some fucking pills. James had never heard of any medication for stuttering, but Hannigan was a doctor, there had to be some kind of easy fix. “vuh-vuh-vuh- very. ” He gasped for breath after what felt like years, gripping the arms of the leather chair he was seated in. “Very old. It l-looked very old.”
“Very good.” Hannigan nodded, the V rolling off his tongue and making James hate him just a little. “When we last met, you gave up on almost all of our more difficult exercises. I'm proud of you for persevering.”
James nodded, guilt suddenly washing over him for harboring ill will towards Hannigan for even a second. When they had first begun his speech therapy, almost a full year earlier, James had hardly spoke at all for fear of ridicule from classmates. Even in his group of friends, he couldn't bear to make himself contribute much to conversation. Alex talked enough for three people, part of why he loved the boy so much. There was never that deafening silence like at home, his parents cutting their chicken into tiny precise pieces and never exchanging a word. James’s fear weighed heavily on his shoulders in his icey household, never around Alex and Laf and Mulligan and the girls.
“Now, I want to discuss the contents of your journal entries from last week.” James went tense once more at Hannigan’s words.
It was his homework, per say, to document his feelings at the end of each day in his journal, so Hannigan could observe his mental state and perhaps examine how much of his stutter was socially enforced. His parents had once suggested to the man that James’s stutter was purely psychosomatic, something the boy could never quite forgive them for. Yeah, like I would choose to be a pariah. Good thing I never plan on coming out to them. Luckily, Hannigan knew better. He's a doctor after all, not parents with a perfect little mold they need their son to fill.
“-and the deep level with which you feel emotions leads me to conclude that you're hyper empathetic.”
“Wait, wh-what?” James snapped back into focus, forehead crinkling.
“Hyper empathy,” Hannigan went on with confidence. “Is simply when you feel things so strongly, particularly for other people, that it can be overwhelming.” Shit. James hadn't realized there was a term for that. His parents would call it soft. Maybe childlike. “Your entry about the kidnappings report on the news that left you sobbing for hours is very prominent to me.”
James bit his lip. The news report had been heart wrenching, some poor missing little girl’s mother who waited outside for her every single night, all night, just in case she was finding her way home and got lost. The thought of it made him almost start crying again.
“And again,” Hannigan was flipping through one of James’ journals now, eyebrows pressed together pensively. “When you talk about your friend Alexander’s story about the hurricane.” James squeezed his eyes shut tight, heart thumping in his chest. It was just the thought of his friend suffering , someone so strong being so afraid. He wished he could take all the pain any of his friends had ever felt and put in on him.
“An individual with strong empathetic tendencies not only sympathizes with someone, but feels their pain. In hyper empathy, the person feel this magnified to the point where there may even be a physical response.” When Lafayette had once casually mentioned being harmed by an older man in a previous foster care home, James had thrown up. “Is this sounding right to you James?” Hannigan asked softly, and James could only nod. Yes, it felt much too close to home. Yet having a name to this powerful way he felt things, knowing he wasn't alone, let him relieve the tension he hadn't been aware he was holding.
“It's not a bad thing James.” Hannigan touched his arm. “You love a lot, you care a lot. It could be perceived as a gift, if managed correctly.”
“A g-g-g-gift?” James swallowed, feeling vulnerable but hopeful. Maybe it was his parents who were wrong, not Hannigan. Maybe it wasn't wrong to care.
“If managed.” Hannigan smiled warmly, glancing at the clock. “I want you to pay close attention this week to how you react emotionally to the world around you. Document how you feel, no matter how small you think it is. And we can go over this more next week. Here's some exercises to work on at home for the stutter.” He handed James a printed out list of phrases, each full of daunting syllables and sounds, but James took it with resolution.
I have a gift. And when I best this stutter, that gift will be all that's left.
Like a superpower.
Thursday, October 12th, 2016
1:32am
Angelica Schuyler’s Bedroom
“Look, we’ve already established that Peggy is fine.” Thomas, for once, didn't have a rude or smarmy edge to his voice. He only sounded tired, sitting on the floor with his boyfriend between his legs laying into his chest, Thomas hugging the boy so tightly it couldn't possibly feel good. “I think we need to deal with what she actually said. ”
Angelica was the only one still standing, the bandages on her hand from where Peggy had dug her nails a sharp reminder that everything was real . That this was happening. Alex wanted to close his eyes, shut it out, but he knew he might fall asleep if he did. He was tired.
Three things had happened all in complete unison in the terrible moment when Peggy’s heart stopped.
James had fainted, sending Thomas into a bird- like state of panic, the teen flapping around helplessly holding his boyfriend up, looking around for a solution while everyone's eyes were on Peggy.
The second was that Mr and Mrs Schuyler had burst into the room, followed by a nurse, and had reasonably freaked out. They started yelling at Angelica, maybe because she was the oldest, maybe because she was seated the closest to Peggy, and maybe because Eliza was sobbing. Whatever their panicked logic, the fact that their instinct had been, in that instant, to blame Angelica would haunt and scar the girl in an indescribable way. But Alex only caught this partially, as the third thing that happened pulled his focus.
Lafayette, frozen for several seconds, suddenly had turned on his heels and ran out of the room. He bolted through the doors so quickly that Mulligan and Alex, having been holding his hands, were jerked backwards. And the two only had to exchange a glance before following him.
They chased the sound of his footsteps down the vacant linoleum hall ( god why does Laf have to be so fast ) until they found him right outside a back entrance to the parking lot, hunched over a trash can and gripping the sides as he retched.
Mulligan, breathing hard from the chase, walked over and pulled the stray strands of hair from the boys face tenderly. He rubbed Laf’s back until the boy was finished, Alex just watching with his hands on his knees as he willed his heart to get out of his throat and back into his chest.
“What is it?” Mulligan asked as Laf stood up, eyes flickering to Alex and someone behind him.
Alex turned to see that John had followed them, also breathing hard, and felt a tendril of warmth break through the lump of ice in his lungs and allow him a moment of comfort.
“Just….Peggy.” Laf sighed, looking much older than a seventeen year old had any business looking, and leaned into Mulligan.
Mulligan was frowning.
Alex knew Laf like the back of his hand, and it was obvious he was lying. It had been her words, her words about Laf and his strange prophetic vision that had him shaken. Even without the prior knowledge Alex possessed, Mulligan seemed to know this. Alex sighed.
“Tell him Laf.” He said and Laf flashed him the briefest look of betrayal before it was replaced by resolution. You know I'm right. You can't hide this. Not now.
He felt John step close to him and, acting on instinct over his usual tendency to overthink, he leaned into him. He felt John slide an arm around him, rubbing small circles into his shoulder gently, and that tendril of warmth spread through his entire body.
“I've just...been seeing things.” Laf said guiltily, pulling back to look up at Mulligan. “And I didn't want to say anything yet because I was hoping it would go away?” He ended the sentence with a lilt, like it was a question, and Mulligan remained frowning.
“But you told...Alex.” There was something unreadable in his voice but the helpless look in Laf’s face was enough for Alex to clear his throat.
“I pushed him to tell me, but that's not the point.” Alex said, a little sharply, as if to remind the boy that Laf needed comfort right now, not interrogation.
“I know it's not the point.” Mulligan never raised his voice, not ever, but his words did take on a slightly sterner tone. He looked back at Laf, shaking away whatever transparent jealousy he had and took a breath. “What..what have you been seeing Laf?”
Laf opened his mouth to speak and only a sob came out. This seemed enough to break Mulligan out of his trance completely, rushing forward to reclaim Laf into his embrace, hugging the boy tightly to his chest and murmuring indecipherable words of comfort into his ear. He was rubbing Lafs back and kissing his head and it felt so intimate Alex turned away, instead looking up at John. He noticed the boy was still holding him and almost jumped backwards, like a snake was in front of him, but decided he had been through enough to just enjoy the sensation.
“So...what do you think of all this?’ He whispered, Laf explaining his floating words to Mulligan in the background. John turned to face Alex, not releasing him but instead shifting his arm to his lower back, absently rubbing circles again and Alex felt his face heating up.
“I feel terrible.” John said hoarsely. “Lafayette looks terrified. James Madison fainted. And Peggy and her sisters…” He trailed off and Alex felt guilty that he had only just now remembered Peggy. Peggy, who could be dead. He shuddered, nausea washing over him, but John’s words brought him back. “And I'm worried about you.” He said softly and Alex crinkled his forehead.
“Me?” He said it almost without meaning to. “Why?” Alex wasn't the one in the hospital bed, nor the one crying.
“You look like you just want to fix everything.” John said softly, studying his face. “I know how you're always doing shit all the time, so you must feel kinda helpless. And I hate that.” He shrugged. “Plus, this shit is really terrifying.”
Alex, for the life of him, couldn't figure John Laurens out. When did he suddenly start knowing so much about Alex, start caring about Alex? He swallowed, aware of their close proximity, and meant to step away but instead stepped closer. His arms moved of their own accord, wrapping around John’s neck, and he pulled the boy in for a tight hug, his head rested on the boy’s shoulder. John had hugged him back immediately, rocking him gently and resting his face in Alex’s hair. It was so comforting, so warm and (he would analyze this feeling for several sleepless hours to come) so safe , that Alex couldn't fight it. He started to cry, only allowing himself one little sob, before attempting to hastily wipe his eyes. John had only held him tighter.
“What she said?” Eliza parroted Thomas’ words, face etched with exhaustion. “She said we needed to go back into the woods. I don't think that requires any analysis.”
“I don't want to go back.” Laf whispered, gaze distant, and Angelica’s head snapped towards him.
“Tough shit. Peggy was clear.” Laf flinched at her words, his uncharacteristic vulnerability making Alex just want to hold the poor boy, and Mulligan clenched a fist.
“Don't you think,” He said slowly, talking through his teeth. “We need to at least talk about it?”
“I didn't sign up for this alien shit.” Thomas grumbled, the angry look he was attempting somewhat diluted by his chin resting on James’ shoulder. “But I still want to know what's going on.”
“And Peggy said the answers are in the woods.” Angelica said with finality. This would be where Lafayette sets her straight. But his friend only stared at the floor, so Alex spoke for him.
“Yeah and look what happened to Peggy.” Despite the arguing, none of them save Angelica carried any real animosity in their tone. They all just sounded like they needed a very deep night of sleep.
Once Alex and the others had composed themselves and reentered the hospital, they found the others outside in various forms of distress. Eliza blank faced, Angelica pacing, and Thomas whispering to a just awakening James.
“How is she?” Alex had asked, believing the absolute worst. Believing Peggy was dead.
“She relapsed into her coma.” Eliza had answered him, eyes unmoving and tone devoid of all feeling. “The doctors are checking for brain damage. My mom and dad are staying here all night. I think they blame us.” Angelica had stopped pacing.
“Not us.” Her voice had been cold. “They blame me.”
They had carpooled back to the Schuyler’s in silence, the two sisters texting their parents furiously for updates. Only Eliza received responses.
“Peggy said ‘He will give you answers’, or something like that.” Eliza was clutching the fabric of her skirt in her hands, rubbing it between her fingers like some sort of lucky talisman. “Who is the ‘he’?” Angelica looked at Alex.
“Well, she was looking at Alex. Wasn't she?” He squirmed uncomfortably as all eyes turned to him, John included.
“Let's just decide if we want to go back or not.” John said, touching Alex’s arm comfortingly, and Angelica frowned.
“Since when are you a part of this?” John blinked in surprise.
“I saw the same shit as you guys. Silver orb. I watched that stuff go down with Peggy.”
“He's part of it now.” Lafayette mumbled and Angelica rolled her eyes.
“If we do go back into the woods, he shouldn't come.” Alex opened his mouth to argue but she went on. “And we are going back.”
“When?” Eliza asked and Angelica looked to Mulligan, who looked to Laf.
“I...I'm okay.” Laf smiled weakly. “I would just rather not. But I think everyone here would rather not. Tomorrow?”
“James can't tomorrow.” Thomas said, eyes narrowing as if they should all already know this. “Thursdays after school he has speech therapy.” Angelica made a sound of frustration, sinking into the bed beside Eliza.
“And he can't miss it this once?”
“No,” Thomas growled, voice dry. “It's not fucking algebra class. He can't just skip it.”
“S’okay.” James mumbled and Thomas shook his head.
“No. Friday.”
“Friday is the game.” Laf and Mulligan said in unison, and Angelica looked ready to tear her hair out.
“Then after the game. We can go Friday.”
“I'll be there.” John said, rising to his feet, and Angelica’s eyes narrowed.
“I said no.”
“And who made you captain?” He challenged, crossing his arms. Her expression softened slightly.
“Look, the bottom line John is that you weren't there the first time.” Angelica looked apologetic but her gaze remained stern. “We don't know that we can trust you because you aren't one of us. And I'm not saying that to be mean. But none of us really know you.”
“I know him.” Alex ventured and jesus, when did he start standing to Angelica up for boys he had known less than a week? When you cry on them in hospital parking lots, that's when.
“That may be Alex,” She said with a frown. “But you shouldn't have brought him to our clearing in the first place.”
“That's not fair.” Mulligan spoke before Alex had the chance, response far more calm than the short boy’s would have been. “James brought Thomas and we all haven't known him for very long.”
“Because I'm his boyfriend.” Thomas snarled defensively. “Just because Alex wants to suck John’s dick doesn't make him a part of the group.”
Alex felt his face flush with white hot anger, unable to even look up at John or any of them for the undiluted fury that was making his heart pound. In that moment, he hated Thomas Jefferson. And for the duration of that moment, for that instant of heated humiliation, he wished Thomas was dead.
James looked up at him sharply the second the thought crossed his mind and guilt washed over Alex, which he shook away. There's no way he knew what you were thinking Alex, relax.
“Thomas!” Angelica hissed and the boy only shrugged, looking more annoyed than remorseful.
“I could earn your trust.” John ignored them both, tone confident but eyes betraying his unease. “Like, maybe I could tell you guys a secret? For insurance? And you'd know I wouldn't say anything to anyone about you guys, because you could just tell the secret and ruin my life.” He smiled nervously, raising his hands in a gesture of oh what the hell .
“John.” Mulligan said warily. “You don't have to do this.”
“No, I like that idea.” Angelica nodded with finality and Alex just watched John, searching his face without really knowing what he was looking for. “Tell us John.”
“Well,” John scratched the back of his head, looking around the room at their faces, pausing only briefly when his eyes met Alex’s, before releasing a pained sigh. “I'm gay? So uh, we’re all in the same boat here.”
He's lying. Alex thought, watching the others around the room gape at John, Laf’s gaze flickering to Alex. It's a good lie, to get us all to trust him. He knows his audience.
But John went on, interrupting the nervous ramble of Alex’s psyche.
“Uh in middle school my dad caught me kissing a boy.” His face was red and he was now facing his shoes. “So we moved. From South Carolina. To here. Ohio. Um.” He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath and Alex felt like he was being held underwater, no air or gravity or sound. He wanted to touch John’s arm and tell him it was okay, he didn't have to say any more. They all believed him. But the room was silent and John just continued, voice shaking only slightly. “He told me that uh, I had to join a sport. That it didn't matter which one, but I had to be in it. Or he would tell my mom and she….she would be worse.” He swallowed. “So football. I like it. And my dad's happy. I guess it doesn't matter to him if I bring home a girlfriend as long as I can play straight.”
Everyone was just staring at him, the only one standing, the one in the center of the room, and he offered them all a weak smile, meeting everyone's gaze except for Alex’s.
“So I won't tell. You can trust me.” He nodded and there was another bout of silence, broken only by James’ coughing, and Angelica finally stood up.
“Okay. We can trust him.” Her voice was kind and Alex let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.
“So Friday, after the game?” Eliza asked and they all nodded in agreement.
“You can all sleep here if you want.” Angelica finally started to sound as tired as the rest of them, laying back on the bed. “There's guest rooms. Go wherever you want.” Laf immediately reached for a pillow and curled up where he was, facing the wall.
“I have to be home.” John's tone was apologetic. “So uh, if anyone needs a ride I can take you.” He seemed to be asking Alex specifically, eyes imploring. But Alex couldn't look away from Laf, who he knew needed him now more than ever. Plus, I don't know if I can handle being alone with John right now. Little bit of an information overload.
“I should stay.” He whispered. “With Laf.”
“I'll take that ride.” Mulligan stood up reluctantly. “My parents are already mad as hell that i'm not home yet.” John nodded and Mulligan faced Alex, lowering his voice.
“Take care of him, yeah?” Alex would’ve resented being told to take care of his best friend if it had been anyone else. They're so in love and they don't even know it.
“Yeah.” Alex whispered and turned to John, who flashed him a quick smile before the duo left.
“C'mon.” Alex watched Thomas and James leave in search of a guest bedroom before crouching down next to Lafayette.
“Hey.” He shook his friend. “Why don't you stop pouting and we go find a bed?” The corners of Laf’s mouth slipped into a smile.
“You insensitive prick.” Laf mumbled with a laugh, smacking Alex with the pillow, and the two grinned at one another. It was somewhat forced laughter, but very needed. “Alright, let's go.”
Eliza remained in Angelica's bedroom with her sister, and Alex stumbled into what he assumed was her bedroom. It was neat and inviting, the bed sheets eggshell white and the walls a muted yellow.
“She won't mind.” He shrugged and collapsed into the bed, feeling the mattress sink as Laf laid down beside him, immediately claiming the majority of the blankets.
“Alex,” Laf whispered after a moment where the only sounds had been their breathing. “Am I going to watch you all die?”
I don't know. It was the honest answer, and one that scared Alex. But instead of saying that he touched Laf’s arm, the boy’s back to him.
“No.” He whispered with false confidence. “If what Peggy said is true, then the words you see above people's heads are their last words to you .” He nudged him playfully. “So maybe we all watch you die instead.” Laf snorted.
“God I hate you.” He said and paused before adding: “Thank you Alex.” Alex gave his arm a squeeze before pulling his hand away.
“Goodnight Laf.”
And when Alex was almost drifting off completely he thought he heard Lafayette speak again. But he was so near sleep that he was certain he had imagined it. And what he thought he heard was his friend whisper, in the softest of voices:
“I don't see any words above Mulligan’s head.”
Saturday, May 9th, 2015
7:20pm
Yorktown High Gymnasium
Prom.
It was the most anticipated night of the year, at least for Alex and Lafayette. A night to dress up, cast cares aside, and dance under cheap streamers drinking cheap punch.
Lafayette had wanted to ask Mulligan, Alex knew. But it was too much of a risk. Even if they went as friends, the whole school would cast a critical eye on the quarterback, still very much in the closet.
“I mean, Mulligan is big and he can handle himself.” Laf had explained, out tuxedo shopping with Alex and James. “But I don't want them to make his life hell. We hear the whispers in the hallways everyday, and I don't want that for him.”
It was a sweet sentiment, but only partially true. Lafayette was the bravest person Alexander knew, strutting through the halls with his chin up and a devil may care attitude, but not in regards to how he felt. Asking Mulligan to prom would have certain implications, certain romantic implications, that Laf wasn't ready to face. He'll never tell Mulligan how he feels. He would never take that risk.
So the two of them were dates, James pairing up with Eliza and Mulligan with Angelica, and Alexander was happy as a clam. He had barely been able to afford the dance, thinking it too extravagant to waste money on, but Laf had convinced him it would be worth it.
“Think Alexander,” the wistfulness in his voice already having Alex half convinced. “A night where nobody cares that we’re pariahs. Well, that you're a pariah. I'm a cheerleader.” He joked, nudging Alex, before once again turning serious. “We’ll only be in high school once and then our life of success and New York awaits us. Let's make at least some memories of this place that aren't terrible, non ?”
So they had gotten seasonal jobs at a cell phone kiosk in the only mall within a thirty mile radius of their town. The uniforms were tacky and it meant standing all day, but in only a month both had saved enough money for tuxes and prom tickets, discounted if you went as a couple.
It was a night they intended to remember forever. Eating at the Cheesecake Factory beforehand and splurging on some key lime. Laf drove them from there to the school, where they were only twenty minutes late, all their friends waiting under the disco ball, dancing their hearts out.
They would never make it inside.
Alex had thought that they were subtle enough to slip under the radar that was the student body’s system of social discipline. But apparently Alex’s swirly earlier that week hadn't been punishment enough for reminding the school that gays existed.
“Well, well, well.” Lee and Eacker were waiting for them just past the parking lot, with a couple of their football friends. “The fags showed up despite our very clear warnings.”
The jocks were idiots, usually cause for more annoyance and discomfort than true fear. But it was dark out, with nobody around and the pounding music of the gym masking any sound, and Laf and Alex were simply outnumbered.
“Bite me Lee.” Alex had snarled, venom in his eyes but stepping backwards nonetheless. Nowhere to run. Alex had simply reached for Laf’s hand and managed a quick squeeze before the boy’s rushed then.
Lafayette received the worst of the pummeling. Alex was just as out as his best friend but Laf was a male cheerleader, and he was wearing a blazer completely covered in blue sequins. An homage to Bowie , Alex remembered his friend explaining.
“This will be a night we never forget!” Lafayette had squealed at dinner, somehow convincing the waitress to give them an appetizer for free. “I know it.”
Alex, nobley, didn't go down until Lee’s third punch landed, and it was one square in the jaw that ended with his face on the pavement. When he slammed into the rough gravel, woozy and in pain, he barely registered Lee’s kicks into his side, knocking the wind out of him and darkening his vision. All he could see, a few feet away, was his friend, who had fallen much, much sooner. Distantly, he registered that only Lee was beating the shit out of him. That meant the other three were on Laf. Three.
His friend, when the jocks grabbed them, had immediately been clawing and kicking and shouting obscenities in french and english alike. But now he was quiet, a hand holding his face into the gravel, shouting words Alex couldn't hear but did not have to. The song of hate was always the same. He watched, in slow motion, the two pairs of feet reeling back and driving themselves into his friend’s stomach and legs, over and over and over and over whilst feeling the pain blossoming in his own torso. He watched his friend’s eyes meet his, so unfeeling and resigned that for a horrible moment Alex really believed Laf was dead. That this was it, they were really going to die tonight. Just some names on a list that would be spread around in a pamphlet on bullying or in a psychiatrist's office somewhere.
But then, across the three feet yet endless stretch of pavement between them, their eyes locked. And Lafayette winked at him.
And Alex almost imagined that the corners of Laf’s lips, squished roughly by the hand on his face pinning him in place, turned upwards into a slight smirk. Alex had never been in more pain in his life, and it was the second most afraid he had ever felt. Yet that wink renewed his hope, his survival. We’re gonna be okay. We’ll always be okay.
It would be three minutes before a teacher, chaperoning the prom, would happen to take a smoke break in the parking lot. She would find Laf and Alex on the ground abandoned, one having fainted completely and the other with a broken nose and a broken wrist that stopped him from participating in the more dangerous cheerleading stunts. But there were two more minutes between then and now of pure bashing, every kick fueled by hate.
And Alex started to see odd shapes and colors, his vision blurring, completely numb to all sound and feeling. But the last thing he was aware of before passing out was Laf’s wink.
That meant that Lafayette was okay. They hadn't killed him and, better yet, they hadn't killed his spirit.
And then everything went black.
Thursday, October 12th 2016
10:20am
Yorktown High
A hand on Alex’s arm stopped him on his way out of chemistry class, and it was not Lafayette, who had decided to ditch school today. Not that Alex could really blame him. Not only had they barely slept last night, but it was just hitting him how these events had only just started Sunday. Barely three days ago. It was a lot to process.
“Hey.” His eyes followed the hand up to Maria Reynolds, looking pretty and perfect as ever and even more so up close, rather than in her Instagram photos, which he stalked religiously. John Laurens wasn't the only one he had a crush on.
John. John who is gay. John who came out.
“Hey.” He responded, losing his train of thought at the way her eyes were fixed on him and him alone.
“You didn't text me back last night.” She tilted her head and he scrambled to check his phone. Sure enough, an unsaved number had text him in the midst of visiting Peggy, the emoji with two pink hearts included in the message. Two pink hearts? Whoa.
“I'm so sorry.” He bit his lip, aware of her hand still on his arm and a little embarrassed that she was taller than him. “I was...really out of it last night.”
“It made me think you weren't interested.” She said softly, a shimmer in her eyes. “Are you interested, Alex?” He gaped at her.
“I-in what?” He stammered as the hallways started to clear as kids rushed to class. She only smirked.
“Are you free after school Alex?” God, she had to stop casually using his name like that unless she wanted Alex to die of a heart attack right here outside of Chem.
“Isn't there practice after school?”
“For the football players. Coach cancelled cheer practice because we pretty much need the Marquis for all our stunts.” She shrugged and frowned slightly. “Why, do you have other plans?”
“No!” He replied much too quickly and her grin returned. “I mean I just…” He took a breath and leaned one arm against the wall, attempting to look relaxed and suave. “I can check my schedule.”
“Let me know.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek, his attempt at a cool demeanour evaporating instantly and he watched the sway of her skirt as she walked away for a long enough time that he was late to his next class.
He spent essentially the entire day at school mulling over what had happened last night. Peggy and Laf and John. He refused to let himself dwell on that. It was too confusing of information to process. Alexander was certain he hadn't absorbed a single thing from his teachers by the time the end of sixth period rolled around, and he was only succeeding in making himself feel sick with worry rather than thinking of any helpful solution.
And so when he found himself sitting across from the most beautiful girl in school in Burgertown, every student in the building throwing them envious glares, he could barely enjoy her company or the plate of nachos between them.
“Are you okay?” She asked, and the question was so genuine that it startled him. Maria had a reputation, and sincerity was not a part of it. He sighed and shook his head both in response and to clear it.
“I'm sorry. My mind's just been elsewhere all day.” She seemed to interpret his words differently, a smile stretching across her face.
“Mine too.” She reached for his hand and placed hers over it, warm and soft. He absently wondered if all girls were so soft. He didn't have much experience to compare. “It's been on you all day.”
He gulped at her directness and looked up at her, tearing his gaze from the fingernails tapping against his palm. He would’ve expected her nails to be red for some reason but they were a pale blue.
What saw in her eyes surprised him once again. Gone was the temptress he envisioned her as, all sultry looks and sinful smiles, and was replaced by the same shyness Eliza had around him, sweet and hopeful and looking like they believed you could hold the moon in your hand. It was terrifying.
“I really like you.” She said in the softest of voices. “You aren't really my….my type. But something about you.” Her hand tightened around his and her gaze grew piercing. “I've never felt like this about anyone. I feel like we were meant to be together.” Alex was faintly aware that his jaw was hanging open.
“Not to be rude,” He raised his eyebrows. “But this is like, the first time you've ever really even spoken to me. You don't even know me.”
Why are you trying to scare off a hot girl?! His brain yelled at him, but his teenage boy hormones were thrown off by how unnerved he felt by her intensity. He had never seen Maria with a boyfriend, and while many boys claimed they'd slept with her (in far cruder terminology) it was widely speculated that they had made it up. Why would a girl impossible to tie down, wanted by almost the whole school, want him? It wasn't that he lacked confidence, he just wasn't delusional. He was a loser, and she was the queen bee.
“I don't have to know you.” She frowned. “I can just sense it about you. When I heard you singing in the gym it just….it changed me.” She nodded with absolution. “I had to have you.”
Alex wanted to be flattered. He wanted to blush and duck his head and carry on with the conversation, maybe get to kiss his first girl (aside from the Schuyler sisters, which didn't count). But with everything that had been happening lately, he was on edge. Everything was suspect. And when it came down to it, when the opportunity was presented to him, did he really want her? No. She was gorgeous, but Alex wanted someone else, didn't he? Someone that you maybe have a chance with now.
“Maria,” He pulled his hand back slowly, feeling like a grade A douchebag at how quickly her face fell. “You're gorgeous. Like, literally you're stunning. But I just…” He stared down at the table. “I like someone else.”
“Is it the Marquis?” Her response was sharp and immediate. “Because everybody knows he's in love with the quarterback.”
“Shhh!” Alex looked around nervously despite knowing the whole school was well aware of Laf’s sexuality. Doesn't mean they have to know he likes Mulligan. Maria laughed.
“Don't be paranoid. Nobody's listening.” But Alex wasn't certain that was true. Almost everyone who attended the high school was watching them out of the corner of their eyes, making his heart pound.
“Can we just be friends?” He asked softly, turning back to her, and she sighed.
“I'll be your friend Hamilton, but I’m not about to give up on you.” She smirked, that seductive look that he was now convinced was a facade back in full swing, and took a nacho. “No one says no to Maria.” He laughed nervously and his phone buzzed just as the door to the restaurant slammed open aggressively. Eacker and Lee sauntered in, mean smiles on their faces as if itching for a fight. Almost everyone, Alex included, attempted to shrink into their seats as the boys ordered their food. He looked down at his phone.
From: John Laurens
-hey are you doing anything rn? Practice got out early?
Alex gnawed on his lip, glancing between Maria, munching on the nachos absently, and his phone.
To: John Laurens
- I'm at burgertown, why what's up?
From: John Laurens
- I was thinking that we could continue our alien research ? Maybe talk to Mr Washington
“Wow.” Alex was quick enough to lock his phone as Charles Lee slid into the booth beside him, smelling like sweat and axe body spray, and Alex suppressed the urge to cringe. “What's a pretty girl like you doing with a queer like this?”
“Yeah Maria. Doing charity?” Eacker said with a loud laugh at his own joke. Clever.
Eacker stood at the head of their booth, knowing better than to squeeze in next to Maria. The other students would turn a blind eye to the abuse of kids like Alex or Laf, but it was a dangerous step on the social ladder to get on the bad side of the future prom queen.
“Fuck off.” She said with an ice in her gaze that surprised Alex, not bothering with false politeness. “Don't you jackasses have a cow that needs tipping somewhere?” Alex couldn't resist the breathy laugh that escaped him, a beginner's mistake, and Eacker looked at him murderously before swinging an arm around his neck, Alex’s throat tightening.
“Something funny, lover boy?”
“I said fuck off.” Maria stood up and spoke louder, other students now beginning to openly stare, and Eacker and Lee exchanged uncomfortable glances.
“I'll see you later Hamilton.” Lee whispered to him, a promise, before standing up and loudly announcing: “Yeah this booth is too gay for me anyway.”
He punctuated his sentence with a look at Maria, rather than Alex for some reason, who cringed. Alex watched in mild confusion as the boys grabbed their bags of fries and left, stupefied that the duo had let him off that easily.
“Thanks.” He said, staring at her with newfound respect. She shrugged but her gaze was distant.
“Those assholes are the fucking worst. Ignore them.” He smiled at her, a genuine smile that made her blush, and returned shakily to his phone.
To: John Laurens
- That's a great idea. Should we grab the others?
And John responded with two words that made Alex’s heart flutter so violently he thought it would tear through his chest.
From: John Laurens
-just us
Thursday, October 12th, 2016
2:10am
John Lauren’s Truck
“You didn't have to tell them you know.” Mulligan had been silent for the first few minutes of John driving him home, his face towards the window. John arched an eyebrow, waiting for his friend to continue, but the boy remained silent. John sighed.
“I wanted them to know Mulligan. It's okay.”
He and Mulligan were a vague sort of friends. They were teammates, and he was one of the few boys on the team that John didn't either despise or find incredibly obnoxious. Mulligan was usually silent but he was decent company, and John always stayed near him during practice.
“How did you know?” John asked softly after another couple of minutes. “I mean, how did you know I was gay?” Mulligan finally turned to face him.
“How did you know about me?” He repeated back, tone free of any challenge. I didn't, John wanted to respond. Not until now. But that wasn't quite true.
He had never witnessed Mulligan doing or saying anything that hinted he liked boys, but he had still known, hadn't he? In this world, you have to be able to identify your friends from your enemies on sight. To others, Mulligan passed easily as heterosexual. But the first time John had laid eyes on him, he had known Mulligan was just like him. Is he hiding in football too? He had wondered. Or does he even know himself? Of course, watching the boy interact with the male cheerleader had quickly answered that question.
“I just knew.” John said simply and Mulligan gave him a knowing look.
“Me too.” He shrugged. “I just...never thought you would come out.” John wanted to be insulted but found he was only curious. He looked at Mulligan with a frown.
“Oh? Why not?” He asked, slightly defensive, and Mulligan looked forward to the road.
“You seemed like you were hiding.” Mulligan said, and his words knocked the wind out of John.
Hiding. Mulligan was not wrong. John had never intended to come out, but not because of shame. He had always known who he was and what he wanted, despite his opinionated mother and very Republican father. He wasn't afraid. Well, not of them.
“I am.” John whispered. “I see how everyone acts around Alex and Lafayette and hell, even Jefferson is treated like a pariah and his dad has the school in his pocket.” Mulligan nodded and John looked at him, really trying to observe him deeply. “What about you, why haven't you come out?”
He hadn’t questioned it before, even though he had always known about the boy. But now his curiosity was piqued. Essentially that entire group of friends was very gay and very open. John envied and resented them for this on a very primal level, a part of him deep inside even hating them for it a little. But mostly, he wished he was as brave.
Still, if Mulligan wasn't shy about being their friend, why not just come out? He had the social status, as quarterback, to be left alone. He was a big guy, nobody would attempt to shove him into a locker or beat him up in a parking lot.
Mulligan looked at John and something flashed in his eyes that was terribly, terribly sad. But it was replaced immediately by an equally powerful resolve.
“Lafayette.” Mulligan said simply, with a shrug. “He gets a lot of shit, being a boy and a cheerleader and being so...flamboyant.” He was grinning fondly as he said it and John felt endeared to his teammate and his obvious admiration for Lafayette. “We spend a lot of time together. If I came out, I know nobody would fuck with me. But they might take it out on him, twice as bad. Especially if they thought we were dating. I'm sure you know what happened at prom last year.” John shuddered.
Yes, everybody and their mother in the shitty little town knew about the prom incident. It was easy for most people to dissociate themselves from the details, and considered poor etiquette to talk about, despite everyone’s sick hunger for the gruesome details. Did you hear the cheerleader boy’s wrist bone broke skin? Did you hear how the little guy had a panic attack and punched a doctor?
Just as everyone knew about the vicious violence, everybody knew who was responsible. Eacker and Lee wore the act like a badge of pride, as well as the couple other of John’s teammates who had participated in the hate crime. Hate crime. It was such a terrifying phrase but that was exactly what it had been, and the thought made John shrink back further into the metaphorical closet.
The boys had been only suspended, not expelled, as, on some weird technicality, Laf and Alex couldn't prove that they had done it. They asked a kids with a broken bones and black eyes for proof. Huh.
Hearing about what had happened had shaken John deeply, especially when he found out who it was that had been hurt. The thought of someone knocking Alexander Hamilton to the ground, trying to beat the light out of his eyes, made John’s stomach drop. It had made him sick then, before he even knew the boy beyond reading his writings in the school paper. But now that Alex was his friend, the thought made him furious. Nobody who was such an unstoppable force, such a wildfire of a human being, deserved to be left on the gravel in a parking lot, like a discarded piece of trash you can't even be bothered to toss into a bin.
“You care about him a lot.” It wasn't a question, and Mulligan just nodded.
“Yes.” He said softly. “I love him.”
It was such an honest and pure confession that, for some reason, John felt tears sting his eyes.
“I understand.” He lied, as if he had any idea of what being in love felt like. ( admiration? you think about them day and night? you just want to hold their hand and protect them and make their friends like you? you want their friends to like you so bad, that you reveal your deepest and darkest secret?)
It was a weird and sudden thought a thought that, strangely, felt like it had not come from within him but from outside him. Like the thought had been placed in his mind.
“I know you understand.” Mulligan was looking out the window again. “I knew about you, like I'm pretty sure you always knew about me.”
John turned down Mulligan’s block. He knew the way, as he had given the boy rides home from practice before. The realization that they had been sortof friends for a while made him frown, something else dawning on him.
“If you always knew about me,” He asked as he pulled the car over, unable to look at his teammate. “Why didn't you ever invite me to hang out with you guys?” Why did you let me be alone all this time?
“I didn't think you'd be interested.” Mulligan looked genuinely surprised. “I always see you with Greene and Knox. Pretty popular dudes. I figured….” He trailed off but John understood. Why hang out with the losers and out yourself when you could be cool?
“Then what about you?” John asked. “You're pretty cool too. Hell, last year you were Junior Prom King.” The crowning had occurred as Lafayette’s arm was being fitted for a cast eleven miles away, in the same hospital Peggy now laid unconscious.
“Alex and Laf and James and the girls, we’ve all known each other since we were kids.” Mulligan looked distant and it occurred to John that he had never heard the boy speak this many words in one sitting. “High school is just four years. Four shitty years, and I want to know them all the rest of my life. I won't trade that. Hell, if I wasn't so worried about Laf, I’d be just as out as the rest.”
“I wish I had friends like that.” John felt heavy and resentful. If Mulligan hadn't just said that to him, he wouldn't have been aware of how lonely he was. You can't know the absence of something that has never been there to begin with. But now that John had realized this ocean of acceptance and friendship existed, he was acutely aware of his own measly puddle. “I wish I had friends. ” He added, softer, and Mulligan looked at him again.
“You got some now my man.” Mulligan laughter humorlessly. “For better or for worse, you got some now.”
And, thinking of the way Mulligan would clap his shoulder and of Alex's smile, John found he did not at all mind the circumstances.
Thursday, October 12th 2016
5:49pm
Yorktown High
“Mr. Washington!” They caught him locking the door to his classroom in the history wing, a stack of thick books under his arm.
“Alexander. Mr. Laurens.” The teacher raised his eyebrows in surprise.
Washington taught at the high school as well as partially at the local community college. Since Alex had fallen in love with his teaching methods freshman year, it was not uncommon for the gang to eat lunch in his classroom on days he didn't leave for Yorktown CC. They were safe from ridicule and, on many occasions, Alex had caught Washington smiling to himself at their various discussions, silently grading papers at his desk.
“We uh,” Alex was panting. The history department was up two flights of stairs and, unlike the boy with him, he certainly did not regularly exercise. “We wanted to ask you some...some questions.” John was staring down at him in amusement.
“Breaking a sweat there son?” Washington was smirking slightly and Alex turned red.
“The stairs are literally taller than I am.” He huffed indignantly and John looked up at the teacher.
“Mr. Washington. We uh, wanted to ask you questions about your father. August Washington?” The man’s amused smile shifted into almost a grimace and Alex stood up straight.
“It's for a school project sir.”
“What project?” His tone was not unkind, but there was something in the way he had slightly stiffened that made Alexander feel like a child in trouble.
“On urban legends sir.” John said smoothly, and Alex wanted to kick him. It was too close to giving them away, to outright just saying hey, we think your dad saw aliens. Ever say anything to you about it? Or is he like, still alive by any chance?
Washington nodded and glanced down at his watch. He shook his head, seeming to have decided something, and unlocked the door.
“Alright, come on in boys. Let's just keep this quick. I'm meeting my wife for lunch in an hour.”
Alex slid into a desk adjacent to Washington’s, the man remaining standing, leaning backwards on the desk and facing them, gaze distant.
“Did your father, August, ever mention anything to you about uh...anything weird?” Alex said vaguely and Washington looked between them.
“Aren't you two going to write any of this down?” They blinked at him blankly. “For your project ?”
“Oh!”
Alex scrambled to grab his notebook from his backpack, accidentally tipping it upside down in the process and dumping it's contents all over the floor. John gave him a look, nudging an empty ramen noodle cup that had tumbled out with his foot, as Alex struggled to shove all his trash and assignments back inside.
“Okay, ready!” Alex clicked his lead pencil and John snorted, Washington simply smiling patiently.
“Well, one thing you kids have to know right away, for the credibility of whatever this project is, is that my father…” He frowned, gnawing on the inside of his cheek intently. “He was not right in the head.”
It was the last thing Alexander had been hoping to hear. It meant that their own hope of answers, his only hope of answers, rested with some loon.
“Not after the war, anyway.” Washington leaned back on his palms. “When Pa was eighteen, back in 1944 son write that down, he joined the army. Just a scrappy little kid from Texas.” Washington smiled distantly, Alex writing in quickly scrawled shorthand to keep up with him. He could tell the teacher was on a roll now, lost in stories he must have heard as a boy. “He was part of the 36th Infantry Division in World War Two.”
“Wait,” John looked up, eyebrows furrowed together. “The 36th...wasn't that the Missing Battalion?”
“The Lost Battalion.” Washington corrected, looking impressed. “Very nice Mr. Laurens.” Alex squirmed in his seat, annoyed that John had known something about history that he had not. History.
“What is that?” He asked reluctantly, a little put out, and Washington adopted his storyteller voice once more.
“During the war, a unit of the 36th division, the 2nd unit, was captured by Japanese soldiers and nobody really knew what happened to them until they were found. The unit had just…” He leaned in closer, the boys inadvertently doing the same. “Vanished.”
“Did they die?” Alex whispered, the air sacred around them, almost smelling of gunpowder and dirt, and Washington smiled knowingly.
“No, son. They were prisoners of war. Kept in slave camps. For forty two months” He shuddered and Alexander felt a chill creep down his spine. That's almost four years. “My Pa was one of the men they rescued from the Burma railway.” His frown deepened. “They forced them into intense physical labor almost the entire span of the time they were imprisoned. He said that when they brought him back to America…” Alex put his pencil down when he heard Washington choking up slightly, looking down respectfully. “That he had forgotten what it felt like not to have a shackle around his ankle. He had forgotten was fresh water tasted like. He had forgotten the sound of his mother's voice.” Washington paused for breath and Alex noticed John leaned all the way forward in his seat, hanging off the history teacher’s every word. Please tell me John doesn't dream of war and glory. Alexander knew being in the army was considered noble, but he privately thought most wars could be resolved without bloodshed. A pen and paper could unite nations without a shot being fired.
“It took him a long time to recover, to have the strength both mentally and physically to get out of bed. He met my mother was he was thirty nine and had me at forty.” He was smiling now, but it was sad. “By then, he could talk about it all without so much as a flinch. He told me about the railway, the sweat and the hot iron, like it was a bedtime story.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, time frozen in suspense, before he blinked them open and looked at Alexander, a mischievous light in them. “But he told me other stories too.”
Alex picked up the pencil once more.
“He moved here, to Yorktown, after I was about four months old. It was where he grew up, before Texas, and he wanted me to experience it.
“He talked about this little clearing in the woods he would visit. I doubt it's still there, Rowan Woods used to be massive back in the day.” John and Alex exchanged glances. “Anyway, he used to do a lot of birdwatching. He hated manual labor, had ever since the war, and it calmed him. It was his favorite hobby.” Washington seemed to remember they were in the room, the wistfulness in his tone dropping off, and he sighed. “My father was forty and had been through a lot….now I don't pretend to know how to explain what he claims he saw but….I do believe that he believed it.”
“He said,” Washington went on after a beat. “That he...he met and spoke to an alien out there.” He paused, as if waiting for them to laugh, but both boys were still. “Now, the trauma in Burma he could talk about as easily as he could talk about the day he met my mother. But the day he went missing in those woods...he wouldn't say anything about it. The first day he came back he was raving about aliens and silver lights, according to mom, but after they took him to the hospital...he clammed up. He wouldn't breathe a word about it. As a child, of course I believed in aliens. I wanted to hear the stories and if he saw a real spaceship. But if I even brought it up….he would leave the room. That's why I always believed him.” He said it defensively, daring them to defy him. “I don't know what he really saw...but I believe him.”
“We believe you sir.” John said softly after a long silence, and Washington seemed to shake out of his reverie, expression visibly hardening.
“Yes well, did you boys get everything you need?” Alex blinked before remembering the notebook before him, grabbing it and shoving it into his bag.
“Uh, yes. Thank you.”
“He didn't...he didn't mention anything else about the alien encounter, did he?” John asked and Alex threw him a hard look. Don't push this. “Any voices?” Washington flinched as if struck and stood up quickly.
“No. No he did not.” His time was curt and dismissive. Following his cue, Alex stood up and followed the man out the door.
“Whose class was this project for again?” He asked them as he turned to lock the door, an edge to his voice. John rocked back and forth on his heels beside Alex, as if eager to run away.
“Johnson’s.” Alex said in perfect unison with John responding:
“Peters’.”
Washington fixed them with a long stare and Alex grabbed John’s sleeve.
“Well uh, we gotta-”
“Go.” John finished and the boys fixed him with twin grins before scurrying away, Alex finding the stairs remarkably easier on the way down.
The history department was located away from the main campus building on the other side of a football field, which the two practically ran across.
“Holy shit.” Alex gasped at John when they were safely behind the gym, although the idea of Washington giving chase and demanding answers seemed pretty absurd. “It's happened before. It's totally happened before.”
“This is insane.” John said, laughing and running a hand through his hair, Alex’s eyes following the motion. “I mean, we’re actually getting somewhere with this.” Alex’s smile faded.
“I don't know. It feels like a dead end. Wash didn't know much and clearly he won't tell us what else he knows.” John shook his head, leaning against the wall.
“No, if August saw whatever we saw, then somebody else has to have. It mean that the aliens or whatever have been here before, and will come back.” The thought made Alex suddenly very, very afraid. He looked up at John with innocent eyes.
“John, I think we are in over our heads.” He whispered, a concept which did not often occur to him. John stared at him.
“We don't have to go back to the woods if you don't want.” He said suddenly, softly. Alex sighed.
“I'm scared but Angelica already made up her mind. And I may look like they listen to me, but whatever Angie says goes. I can't talk any of them out of it.”
“I didn't mean the group.” John moved so he was standing in front of Alex. “I meant us. We don't have to go back.” Alex smiled, it was a sweet thought, but unrealistic. John’s smile said he knew this as well, was partially joking, but another thought occurred to Alex and he frowned.
“Why didn't you tell me you were gay?” John looked startled.
“I did. I told everyone I-”
“No.” Alex said with frustration, frown deepening. “I mean at the library. When I came out to you. I was terrified you were just some straight jock and was risking getting the shit beat out of me. And you didn't tell me.”
“Oh.” John looked down and Alex thought he looked almost bashful. “Uh.” He rubbed the back of his neck, the toe of his shoe nudging a rock absently. “You had just came out so I didn't want it to seem like I was coming on to you or anything. I didn't want to make it weird.” Alex snorted, rolling his eyes, and his exasperation lifted.
“You're an idiot.” Alex laughed, John smiling once he saw Alex’s own grin. “I was thinking you didn't tell me because you didn't trust me or something. I know you wouldn't hit on me.” He said dismissively, starting to walk them towards John’s truck. John caught up with him, falling into step beside him.
They walked in comfortable silence, climbing into the truck as the sky began to shift from blue to golden. But instead of starting the car, John looked at him.
“Wait, why did you say that?”
“Say what?” Alex rubbed his arms to warm them, buckling his seatbelt.
“That I wouldn't hit on you?” Alex gave him a weird look.
“Uh, because you're-” He gestured to John. “And I'm-” He waved his hand in front of himself and John stared at him incredulously. Alex felt awkward under the heat of his stare, wondering when the fuck he was going to just start the car and change the subject. Don't make me spell it out man. You're out of my league.
“Alex,” John said. “I like you.”
“I like you too John and I think you're gonna fit right into the gang if that’s what you want and-”
“No, Alex.” John was staring down at the steering wheel, cheeks a remarkably bright shade of pink. “I likeyou like you.”
“Oh.” Alex felt his own face heat up, staring out the windshield and swallowing heavily.
The next thirty seconds of complete silence were the most awkward and wonderful Alex had ever experienced. He was blushing furiously but also fighting to contain a grin that might split his face in half. John Laurens likes me! Me. And not in a friend way. In a gay way!
He realized then that John was waiting for him to say something, and he cleared his throat, willing his voice to be steady.
“I like you too.” He said softly, glancing at John out of the corner of his eyes. “ Like you like you.”
“Well alright then.” John said softly, grinning down at his hands.
The boys snuck a glance at one another at the same time and looked away violently, both sporting matching blushes and grins. They smiled out their respective windows, each lost in an innocent and giddy fantasy, before John cleared his throat.
“Uh. Guess I'll drive you home now?”
“Yeah.” Alex looked at him and smiled warmly and John honest to god giggled . Alex thought he might have a heart attack from how good this moment was. That's it. I have so many ways to say so many words and nothing says it better than good. This is good.
They drove in comfortable silence, Alexander feeling warm from the crown of his head to the tips of his toes. He wasn't really thinking about where to go from here, of kissing John or dating John or the social repercussions both those actions might have. Alex was just thinking about how he liked John Laurens and John Laurens liked him. Wow.
John pulled up his truck in front of Alex’s house, the boy intending to spend all night on the phone with Lafayette a) making sure his best friend’s mental state was okay and b) slyly letting Laf know that the world's hottest boy was into Alex. John didn't say anything when he stopped the car, staring at the wheel, and Alex felt hot again suddenly, unsure of himself. Do I say something? Should I just go?
He awkwardly reached for the door handle and John touched his arm.
“Wait.” John’s eyes flickered to Alex’s nervously before he leaned in and very quickly kissed Alex on the cheek, Alex very aware of how soft his lips felt and how heavy his hand was on Alex’s arm. “Call me.” John whispered shyly, the two sweetest words anybody had probably ever said to Alex.
“Okay.” Alex nodded numbly and gave John an idiotic grin, just dopey with happiness, and jumped out of the truck. John waited until he was on the porch to drive off, giving him a little wave, and Alex huffed with laughter as he watched the boy drive off. Is this real? Did this really happen?
Looking around to ensure no one was watching, he lifted his hand and pressed two fingers to his cheek where John had kissed him. Then Alex ran inside and into his room, Lafayette’s phone already ringing.
Thursday, October 12th, 2016
10:35am
Yorktown High
To: James Madison
-You doing okay?
To: Thomas Jefferson
- Just tired :/ and scared
To: James Madison
- scared of going back to the woods?
To: James Madison
- because I will not let ANYTHING happen to you babe
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I'm scared for you Thomas
To: James Madison
- oh?
To: Thomas Jefferson
- Something weird is going on with you and everyone ignored it
To: James Madison
- I was probably just tired and hallucinating
To: Thomas Jefferson
- you teleported
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I know you're scared of that word but that's what happened
To: James Madison
- We’ll get more answers when we go back into the woods
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I don't want anything to happen to you
To: James Madison
- dont worry about me babe. I'm a lot more worried about you. You fainted James. Are you sure you're fine?
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I've just been feeling like….weird
To: Thomas Jefferson
- But like you said, I'll get my answers in the woods
To: Thomas Jefferson
- And I'll be fine as long as you're with me
To: James Madison
- darth vader himself couldn't fucking tear me from your side
To: Thomas Jefferson
- you're such a loser <3
To: James Madison
- It was nice sleeping next to you last night
To: James Madison
- I mean, the circumstances were obviously not ideal. But I loved having you there
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I'll always be there for you too
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I know you think you have to be the brave one, but I'm here for you too. It's okay to be scared.
To: James Madison
- Hah. You always see right through me Jemmy
To: James Madison
- I am scared but it's not because of how weird things have been. It's the fear of the unknown. I don't like not having answers
To: James Madison
- what I'm most scared of is that we’ll go to the woods and there’ll be nothing and we’ll never get any answers
To: Thomas Jefferson
- we’ll find answers
To: James Madison
- how can you be sure?
To: Thomas Jefferson
- Alex is sure, and I trust alex
To: James Madison
- He doesn't like me
To: Thomas Jefferson
- He just doesn't know you
To: Thomas Jefferson
- do you trust me?
To: James Madison
- with my life
To: Thomas Jefferson
- then don't be afraid. We'll find answers in the woods
To: James Madison
- okay
To: James Madison
- I love you so much James. You know that, right?
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I know it, but feel free to frequently remind me :p
To: James Madison
- I love you I love you I love you
To: Thomas Jefferson
- Such a clown
To: Thomas Jefferson
- I love you too
To: James Madison
- Wanna ditch sixth period and let me buy you boba?
To: James Madison
- We can totally makeout in the parking lot
To: Thomas Jefferson
- Twist my arm why don’t you
Friday, October 14th, 2016
9:52pm
Yorktown High’s Football Stadium
“Could you explain the game to me Alexander? I still don't really know what's going on.” Eliza’s eyes were bright and he smiled warmly at her, admiring her outfit. She wore a gray jacket and a scarf the exact same shade of pink as her mittens and the knitted cap she wore. He loved how adorable and put together the girl always looked, despite the sadness lurking behind her smile.
“I'd love to if I had a goddamn clue how the game was played.” He smiled cheekily and heard Angelica huff from Eliza’s other side.
In contrast to her sister, the other Schuyler looked as though she hadn't slept in the past two days a single wink. Her eyes were red rimmed and her outfit consisted of jeans and a large gray sweater, the hood pulled over her head and shadowing her face. Alex knew she loved football, yet was hardly focused. She must be thinking about the woods after this.
They all attended the game with the intention of immediately grabbing the three of the group involved in the sport and making a dash for the woods. That way, they could all cite to their parents that the game had run late. Or, in the case of Mulligan and Laurens, that they had simply been lectured by the coach longer than usual. Assuming we return from the woods alive. He thought of Peggy, traumatized but still breathing, and tried to steady himself.
“Eliza it's literally the fourth quarter. Just cheer when everyone else cheers.”
As if on cue, Mulligan ran the ball across the yard line and the entire stadium jumped to their feet, Alex and his friends reluctantly following along with half hearted cheers.
Lafayette appeared to be more himself, yelling and cheering and shaking his ass with the other cheerleaders from where they stood just off the field, in the dirt track. Laf caught Alex watching and gave him a wave of his pom pom, Alex laughing and waving back as his friend did a high kick for him. Maria sauntered up to Laf, whispering something in his ear, and they both giggled. Alex went red as Maria blew him a kiss, Angelica and Eliza turning to stare at him curiously.
“Is it almost over yet?” Thomas was dressed just as fashionably as Eliza, yet on him it felt startlingly inappropriate for a football game. He looked more as though he were dressed for a day at the country club.
“How should I know?” Alex grumbled back, still not having forgiven him for his comment at Angelica’s. The girl sighed.
“You guys are such stereotypes, knowing fucking nothing about sports.”
“Then aren't you a stereotype too?” Thomas said cheekily. “For actually knowing everything about football?” She went silent and James elbowed Thomas, giving him a disapproving look.
Alex watched as someone in the colors of the other team passed the ball and John intercepted it with a lithe leap into the air. Unable to contain himself, he jumped to his feet and clapped.
“Whoo! Go John!” Many turned to look at him and he sank back down, face pink, and Thomas snickered.
“Guess you have a chance with him now huh?” Thomas leaned in to whisper, on Alex’s left, and Alex turned to glare at him before realizing the boy wasn't mocking him, his eyes were sincere. Huh.
Alex remembered the day that James had told him he was dating Thomas, Alex had tried to talk him out of it.
“He's a fucking douche James.” He had whined, oblivious to the smaller boy’s growing frustration. James had always looked up to Alex somewhat, despite them being the same age. So Alexander was used to James taking his advice without question. But the boy had clenched his fists.
“Y-y-you don't e-even knuh-ow him Alex.” He had growled, and hadn't spoken to Alex the rest of the day.
I guess I don't know him. Alex frowned but Eliza tugging his sleeve brought his focus back to the game.
“Look!” She pointed at the cheer squad, now forming some weird formation that featured Lafayette standing on the shoulders of two very tall girls. They all began chanting, waving their pompoms from left to right in hypnotic unison.
“Score score! We want more! We'll drive it to the finish and own that board!”
On board , Lafayette did a backflip off of the two girls, seeming to stay in the air for an unsafe amount of time before landing perfectly on his feet, hands up in the air triumphantly. This time when Alex jumped to his feet, the rest of his schoolmates followed suit. Alex always felt like a mama bear watching Lafayette do his stunts, excited but cringing in fear that he might land wrong and break an ankle. Or re-break his wrist. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that once you break a bone it's easy to break it again.
He remained on his feet when the man in white and black ( referee , he could imagine Mulligan correcting him) blew a whistle and suddenly the football was in the air. Mulligan caught it and began running, Lafayette down below stopping mid chant to scream his name. As a massive boy from the opposite team bore down on him, Mulligan passed the ball in a perfect spiral.
The entire crowd, visitors and home students alike, held their breath as the ball sailed through the air. So that it was perfectly quiet when John Laurens caught the ball, unaware of another large boy bearing down on him. And it was perfectly quiet when the boy slammed his body into John, the crack as John fell, arm bent the wrong way like a broken toy, echoing across the field and stands.
The referee blew a whistle that Alex vaguely knew meant foul or time out or something but his focus was on John, laying on the grass and crying out. Evidently he had made it past the yard line- the Rams won and the crowd was ecstatic-but Alex didn't care. He suddenly found himself racing down the bleachers and jumping over the small gate separating field from crowd, his friends not far behind.
“John.” He gasped, reaching the boy as he was being shifted onto some yellow stretcher, smiling weakly.
“Hey Alex.” His mouth was bleeding. “We won!”
“Is he okay?” Alex looked at the nurse, a man with silver hair, who gave him a sympathetic look.
“Dislocated shoulder. Your friend will be fine. It'll hurt like hell but that was a great catch kid.” Alex shifted his weight from foot to foot in frustration. Who gives a shit about the catch? But John was beaming.
“God, my first real sports injury.” He seemed oddly elated. “Did I look like a badass, babe?” Alex managed to ignore the ‘babe’ comment, knowing John was just high off the adrenaline of his win, and gave his good arm a squeeze.
“Sure John. You looked real cool.”
“So this is gonna take like what, twenty minutes? We have somewhere we really need to be.” Angelica, who had apparently been behind Alex all along, asked in a clipped tone. The nurse frowned.
“I'm sorry hon but your friend will be in the hospital for at least the night.”
“We can wait until Sunday then.” Alex whispered but Angelica crossed her arms.
“No. I'm sorry John, but I won't- can't-wait any longer. I don't know what's wrong with my sister but I need answers.” She sounded so desperate, so pleading , that Alex knew he had no fight left in him. John just nodded bravely.
“Hey, it's fine. Go without me.” He reached up and gave Alex’s hand a squeeze. “Text me after, yeah?” His face was now etched with agony, clearly the adrenaline wearing away, and Alex resisted the urge to hug him.
“Yeah.” He said and, nodding to the nurse, he watched John get lifted away into the back of the ambulance that had just arrived.
“Shit.” Lafayette was beside Alex after a moment, pompoms hanging dejectedly at his side. “That meatloaf almost took his arm off.” Alex snorted and looked at him.
“He's fine. Where’s Mulligan?” Laf rolled his eyes.
“With his fangirls.” He pointed towards the bleachers and sure enough, a line of girls- mostly freshman- were waiting to take pictures with the ever popular quarterback. “I swear, he stays single just to feed their fantasies.” Alex gave him a side glance.
Yeah Laf, that's why he's single.
“Great flips tonight Lafayette.” Eliza caught up with them, the tip of her nose cutely pink from the cold, and the cheerleader gave her the sweetest of smiles.
“With such beautiful girls watching, it was easy.”
“Hey so,” Angelica had her hands shoved in her jacket pockets, watching the crowds slip away gradually. “It's now or never.”
“How about never.” James mumbled, fingers intertwined with Thomas’, and Alex envied them deeply. The two seemed blissfully unafraid of all the students around them, blissfully free from the fear that someone might see and want to pummel them into the pavement. He glanced at Laf and saw the same envy in the boy’s eyes.
“Someone get Mulligan.” Thomas said, kissing the top of James’ head, and Laf smirked.
“I got it.” Laf lifted his hands and cupped them around his mouth. “MULLIGAN!” He shouted and the boy looked up instantly.
He said something apologetic in the ear of the tiny girl taking a selfie with him, shrugging charmingly at her disappointed frown, and broke out into a jog towards them, stopping right in front of Laf with a grin matched only by the other boy.
“Great cheering.”
“Great game.”
“Oh for the love of god.” Angelica rolled her eyes and started marching towards the back of the field, where Laf’s car was parked, and the others followed suit.
Alex fell into step beside Eliza, Angelica blazing ahead and the others arm in arm with the boy they were in love with. He pulled his jacket tighter around himself bitterly. If John were here I wouldn't feel so on the fringes. But the sweetness of John’s confession had faded and now only insecurity settled in. John, he reasoned, must like him because he didn't know him. If he got to know me he wouldn't be interested. He's a star football player whose daddy has money and that everybody loves. What the fuck could I offer him?
The parking lot was significantly less well lit than the stadium, the sudden darkness melting away any warm spirit and post game adrenaline surges the teens had possessed. They wordlessly climbed into the back of the van, Lafayette driving and Angelica in the passenger seat. There was a bag in the back with a change of clothes for Mulligan, him switching out shoulder pads and a sweaty uniform for a thin hoodie.
Alex reached into the bag himself, grabbing the miniature flashlights Laf had picked up at the dollar store and passing them around. The seriousness had sunk into his stomach with the weight of a rock pile. And from the shadowed looks on his friends faces, they were in similar states of anxiousness.
“I wish we weren't going in the night.” Eliza said softly. The streetlights occasionally filled the van with dull orange hues before abandoning them in darkness even blacker by contrast.
“I wish Peggy wasn't in the hospital.” Angelica mirrored her tone, voice barely carrying back to the others.
“I wish,” Lafayette said, louder. “that we hadn't seen that thing in the first place.”
“I wish we can find some answers.” Thomas reached forward to where James was seated across from him and squeezed his knee, the boy giving him a little smile.
“I wish John was here.” Alex looked down at the flashlight in his hands, the plastic surprisingly cold, as if it were metal instead. As if this wasn't a child's game, but a reality.
“I wish everything would be okay.” James said after a while, jumping as the car hit a pothole. There was no such turbulence on the main roads. They were now nearing the woods.
“I wish,” Mulligan stretched his arms and neck, joints cracking with a volume that seemed to expand in their silence, remind Alex of the sound John’s arm had made. “For the chance to clock whatever the fuck did this to us.”
The others let out breathy laughs, allowing themselves the entertaining notion of Mulligan punching a giant floating orb, before the van began slowing to a crawl and Laf killed the engine.
“We’re here.” Laf announced, what little light there was evaporating completely with the headlights.
Eliza tugged off her pink mittens with her teeth and Alex watched her grip her flashlight with slender fingers.
“Let's do this shit.” Alex couldn't resist a small smirk, as the sweet girl didn't curse often.
He clicked on his flashlight as they jumped out of the van, each device barely illuminating a small circle around it's holder’s feet. Alex looked up and blinked, the almost full moon half hidden behind a cloud. The stars are better light than these cheap shits.
A once hallowed path felt ominous, stolen, as the familiar leaves crunched under Alex’s feet. He was afraid but the fear suddenly made him angry. This was our place. This was our only place, and it has been violated.
“What exactly are we looking for?” He heard Thomas ask from behind him. It was so dark and the foliage so thick that they travelled single file. Alex, Angelica, Laf, Mulligan, Thomas, James, and Eliza. He wished Lafayette were beside him.
“We’ll know it when we see it.” Angelica suggested hollowly, giving none of them any comfort.
Alexander reached the edge of the trees and stopped instinctively, waiting until the others were clumped around him. It felt like a cruel parody of the night of their bonfire. Sunday. Much had changed since then that he didn't want to dwell on.
“Ready?” He asked, the cloud passing from the moon and momentarily they were all bathed in a silver glow. It should have been beautiful but felt eerie and chilling, all as pale as if they had already died.
“No.” Lafayette said with a half smile and the others laughed weakly. As if to prove something, Laf took a shuddering breath and was the first of them to shove through the tree branches and into the open, unprotected air.
The clearing was far brighter than the forest, the sky unobstructed by trees, and Alex had to blink several times to adjust. Once into the clearing, they had all stopped again, simultaneously realizing none of them had planned this far ahead. Now what? He might have felt embarrassed by their lack of foresight, standing like deer in the headlights just beyond the treeline, when he looked forward.
They were not alone.
A boy was sitting cross legged, dead center in the middle of the clearing, clearly in their age range although Alex did not recognize him. Alex felt annoyance surge through him. Of all the nights for some stranger, probably from the next town over, to stumble upon their clearing, it had to be tonight.
But it only took the boy looking up, making direct eye contact with Alex across the vast expanse for him to realize that the figure was not human. He felt his friends press in closer, shuddering around him, and knew he was not alone in this realization.
There was nothing visibly remarkable about the boy. But to look at him was to know. The very air around him felt wrong , like the earth and all its matter felt the being as a presence did not belong here. Alex felt with an absolute chilling certainty that his eyes were never meant to see this boy. Not boy, thing.
He was compelled to take a step closer and he did, the only one to break away from the little huddle they had formed. Underneath the pale moonlight, the boy tilted its head at Alex and rose to it's feet, brushing the grass off it's very human looking jeans.
“Hello, idiot.” It said, face stretching into a smile.