Chapter 4
Dean was tapping the counter nervously as he talked on the phone,but that was still an improvement from the restless pacing.
‘And what do you propose we do,Sam?We get him into a rehab program?We lock him away?’
‘I don’t know ,Dean,but allowing him to get drunk every night and stay out and come home in the morning hungover…That’s not of much help either.’came his younger brother’s voice from the other end of the line.Even with the mess that they were in ,talking to Sam made him feel better,like there was hope.
‘I know.’
‘Look,I’m not saying to force him into joining rehab but we have to start somewhere.Maybe just pitch him the idea for now?’
‘Yeah,pitch him something when he’s sober and those times are very rare nowadays.’he sighted,pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘But I’ll see what I can do.’
‘Great.It’ll all work out.You’ll see.’
‘Yeah,I mean,what’s the worst thing the man can do?Flee to a bar in New Mexico?’He huffed a laugh.Not the best way lighten the mood.
‘Dean?How can you joke about this?’Sam’s voice whispered,broken. ‘We can’t know what he’s going to do,but we have to try,right?’Cause then when he dies you can say you did something.’
‘Sam,what’s wrong?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You’re scaring the hell out of me,man.Please tell me what’s happening.’
‘I can’t,Dean.I can’t.’voice shaking with fear.Dean could feel his brother on the verge of crying and it was like a stab to the heart.
‘Hey,calm down,talk to me,Sam.’after a long pause he called again ‘Sammy?!’
‘Dean,please,you have to let me go,you have to.’
‘Wait,what are you talking about?’ Confusion and terror were swaying through Dean.
‘I can’t,I can’t hold on for much longer.’
‘Sam,wha-‘
‘No,Dean,you need to.You have to.I’m so sorry.I can’t hold on, Dean,I can’t.I’ve tried.There’s no hope.I’m so sorry.’
‘What do you mean you can’t ‘hold on’?!Sam?Sammy?!’
‘I’m sorry,Dean’ he whispered before the line went dead.But Dean was still cluching his phone to his ear like that will bring his brother back.He knew it didn’t,but he just couldn’t let go.
He opened his eyes to the streaks of sun stroking his face.It felt so comfortable to just lay there.He didn’t get to feel like that a lot since the accident so he was enjoying this,which was kind of weird because the motel’s bed was never this pleasuring.Except,this wasn’t his bed.He sat up quickly.He didn’t recognize his surroundings so he followed his instincts to get out of there and stay alarmed in case someone was planning to jump him.
He made his way down the stairs where he assumed there was a kitchen if this was a ‘normal’ house.He could hear footsteps so there was definitely someone with him.He entered the kitchen ready to fight whoever that was,but he froze in place when a pair of blue eyes greeted him accompanied by a big gummy smile.
That’s when it hit him.The cold and shivers and graves,his parent’s grave and tears and Jessica’s call and Sam and Castiel.And now this could not be more awkward.For him.Idiot.
‘Dean,you’re up!’ Castiel’s cheerful attitude was a subtle signal to relax but Dean wasn’t going to play the little boy.What happened was a slip and he would never allow that again.
‘Yeah.’they gazed at each other for a couple more seconds before they both opened their mouth to talk but Castiel gave Dean a sigh as to let him know he could go first so he did.
‘Why did you bring me here?’he looked around. ‘This must be your home.Nice.But you didn’t have to do this.’again it came out more heartless that he intended when the truth was that he was grateful for not letting him freeze in the frost-bite wind.
‘I didn’t have to,you’re right.I wanted to.’Castiel held the stare for a couple more seconds before he cleared his voice and turned around to care for the almost-burning eggs in his pan. ‘Besides you were really cold and on the verge of a serious sickness.That is no time for someone to be wearing only a t-shirt.’
‘Thanks.For that.’he spotted his boots near the entrance.Now he needed to find a way to leave without being too rude ,after all the guy helped him.
‘It was my pleasure.’
‘Great.So see you on Monday.’Dean tentatively said as he started to walk to the door.
‘Wait.Why are you leaving?’
Why am I leaving?Why am I leaving?!Because it already is awkward enogh!Maybe he was the only one that felt tensed , ‘cause Castiel didn’t seem to have a problem.Hell,he downright asked him why he was going.
‘I thought maybe you wanted to eat something.’he turned around with the frying pan in his hand ,and now the eggs had bacon on the side and the smell was starting to spread and Dean…needed to leave.Now.
‘I’m fine.I’ll just...’
‘Liar,liar,pants on fire.’ Castiel chuckled.Was he making fun of Dean ?If he was,the visit wasn’t bound to end on a good note.
‘Excuse me?’Dean was walking towards the counter where Castiel was standing,still smiling.
‘I get you may be feeling a little…out of place, here.You don’t have to leave so fast,you know.’Now they were getting even closer,closer than they were ever before…when both of them were fully conscious. ‘You are obviously not fine and I can see it because that is my job, so let’s not waste time.Let’s eat.’he turned playfully to the counter ,put the pan on the stove and grabbed two plates from one of his drawers.’We both could use it.’
‘Ok,what is that supposed to mean?’Dean said,irritation covering every inch of his face.
‘Well,I’m just hungry and you look like you haven’t eaten a good meal in weeks.’ He went to the tables and set the plates down before going back to take the forks and knives fromth edge of the sink.
’Maybe it’s because of the early stage of depression or maybe you want to see how long you can live on whiskey or maybe you just don’t care.I don’t really know,but I would like to have breakfast with you.Of course you’re free to go if that’s truly what you want, but I think the temptation to find out about the kind of ‘nutjob’ I am is a little bit stronger.’
And there goes all of Dean’s fight,all thought drained out of him by a therapist.A therapist.And the guy is actually crazy.
Dean sat down at the table without any further questioning.They ate in silence and after about 20 minutes,Castiel got up ,picked Dean’s plate too and threw them into the sink.
That was a close call.He knew that was a big risk,talking to Dean like that and he imagined the possible outcomes of his douchy speech and most of them ended up with Dean punching him in the face.But contrary to his expectation he took the words,no comment ,just slight irritation and joined Castiel and they ate breakfast.Together.It felt..nice.He could see Dean fidgething in his chair.So Castiel sat back down ,a little amusement on his face and went into his ‘cool mode’ again.
‘Any plans for today?’
Dean raised his head annoyed and after a few more quiet seconds, he spoke.
‘Look,just don’t.Don’t get me wrong.I’m grateful for your help and…breakfast…I-I need to go.’He sat up and ran to the door where he quickly laced his boots.
‘Dean!’now Castiel was down right confused.Everything was fine two minutes ago or maybe it was just him wishing to foe Dean to be alright ‘What are you-?’
‘No,Cas!It’d be better if I just leave!’he went out the door before Castiel could protest.
Even with all the negativity floating around in his apartment,Castiel still had a warm feeling inside his chest.Whatever Dean was running from and whatever pain he was caring,he now saw hope.He could make Dean see it too,could make him believe.Believe in himself.Dean called him 'Cas'.A babystep closer to realization and that’s what kept the therapist in place.He could do it.He could bring back the old Dean.
What.The.Hell?Was he hallucinating?Was that guy for real?Did he just have breakfast with his shrink?Sure the man seemed cooler than ever about it but still.I mean,he invited Dean.Yeah,after he gave him a shit talk.Great way to make friends.
It’s still cold outside and Dean is still wearing his t-shirt and sweats but the hardcore thinking that he’s involuntary doing is actually keeping him warm.And they said I didn’t have brain muscle.Jokes on them.So many ideas so many questions about Castiel that he couldn’t answear.Who is Castiel Novak?Dean doesn’t know.He’d been seeing this guy for 2 months and he can’t remember anything about him,other than his name,of course and that he’s a therapist,the best therapist of 2015, may he add.And now this whole ‘I helped ,but you’re so full of shit that it hurts,.He could see where he was coming from ,he knew Cas had good intentions.Yeah,another thing:Cas?!But he won’t risk it.The guy just wants to help.Sam wated to help too and look where that’s gotten him.No way.He wasn’t gonna drag the man with him.It wasn’t right.He won’t end up like his brother.Dean won’t take away his family and friends and life.No way.
Actually,does he have a family?A wife?Kids?It’s not likely for someone like Castiel.Now he wants to know stuff about him.Shit.He’s gotten under Dean’s skin.He’ll just have to get him out of there ,before he gets too deep.He’s not gonna have Castiel on his conscious.He’s not gonna ruin him too.He’s not.
Dean finally gets to his motel room and changes quickly into something that will keep him from freezing to death,hopefully.Then he goes straight to bed despite the fact that it’s 1PM.He dreams of his mom.
As far as Dean’s thoughts go ,he didn’t plan what to do when he sees Castiel on Monday.Never thought about the awkwardness or the lack of words he’ll have when he’s greeted by a smiling Castiel that tells him to go take a seat,not just gesture.It all seems like the grave-incident never happened, and he is grateful for that too.After all,maybe Castiel is a good shrink or maybe he is a good person.Maybe both.
‘So,Dean,how are you doing?’
‘M’fine’ he responded in the most cold way he could possibly pull off.He had to hide himself and starting a real conversation with Castiel won’t help him do that.Castiel frowned and tilted his head ,but instead of getting back to reading or whatever he was doing he kept asking ,even if Dean silently pleaded to be left ‘alone’ like a thousand times before.Castiel kept asking and pushing.Did he do something new?Did he visit Ellen lately?Did he plan to?Does he want a cracker because he seems pale?Is he usually pale?Did he catch a cold?Did he have any ideas for upcoming therapy session?Is there anything he wants to talk about in particular?
At first,he just nodded or shook his head,he wasn’t that kind of a jerk,but Castiel wouldn’t shut up and now Dean is getting angry and the fantasies where he kicked his shrink or at least stood up to him were starting to come back.Why wouldn’t he just shut up?What does he want?What?
'What are your thoughts on monkeys as domestic pets?'
‘What do you want from me?’ Dean asked without actually wanting to but these days his brain wasn’t in contact with his conscience anymore.Castiel stared at Dean dumb struck.
‘To help you..Dean.I want to help.’
Help.He wants to help me.I don’t need help.Why does everyone want to help.I don’t need any goddamn help.I don’t.But it was a little to late to rationalize with himself.Anger was on pilot and he was seeing red..He didn’t realize it until he stood up but he was gripping the arm rests so hard he left nail marks.Castiel stood up with him,which was surely not helping his condition at all.
Get out!!a voice inside his head screamed.I can deal with this elsewhere.At the same time another voice was equally making its presence known.Punch something!He thinks I need help.Imma prove him right.Imma prove him that he can’t help me,nobody can…Because I don’t need it .I can’t be fixed…because there’s nothing to be fixed.
As much as would like the second voice speak for a while he decided to just leave and decide what he’ll do when he leaves the building and Castiel behind.
‘Dean!’
He froze in place two steps away from the door.
‘Why are you leaving?’
‘None of your business.’he spoke trying to sound kinda scary but managing to be just like a rained puppy.
‘Is it because I kept asking you things,instead of just spending our time in silence?’
‘I…’
‘You don’t know.It’s ok.’ Cas was starting to get closer.Of course Dean was standing with his back at him but he could just imagine that annoying warm smile creeping into Dean’s personal space.Those blue eyes boring holes into Dean’s back but not in a bad way ,in a relaxing sort of way.No.No way.I won’t do this to him.He took another step towards the door.All he had to do was open it and walk out.That’s all.S’not that hard.But,as expected,Castiel’s plans were others and he seemed hellbent on getting Dean to talk,on helping him.He put his hand on his shoulder ,but it wasn’t trying to get Dean to come back in a powerful sort of way,he was coaxing him into taking a step back and he could just lean into that touch,but he stood stoic.
‘I don’t know why you don’t want help.’Castiel whispered. ‘Or maybe you want it and you wouldn’t allow yourself to have it.But I’m asking to stay a little bit more ,to stop fighting the people that only want what’s good for you.Ellen didn’t tell me what happened,what made you close in so bad and I admit that I can’t read you as good as I can others.But I want to.I want to talk to you and you to talk to me and not bolt when things get a little complicated.’
‘I-I can’t.’
‘Of course you can,Dean.You can do whatever you wish,you just have to want it bad enough.And I want to be there when you take down those walls that you’ve built around yourself and you finlly see that you are indeed worthy of a little happiness.’
Dean couldn’t take it anymore.All these words Cas was saying to him,so calm and so confident like he truly believed he was worth something .He turned around to face his shrink and Cas let his hand fall off of Dean’s shoulder but after he adjusted himself he put his hand back and Dean was so grateful for the little meaningful touch.
‘I know that behind that constant frown you have on your faces hides a beautiful person.You just have to fight a little to let him out.I’m not saying this as your therapist or as Ellen’s friend.I mean every single word I said.I want to know you Dean.The real you.I want to be your friend, Dean.And pardon my boldness,but under all that careless façade, I think you want the old Dean back too.’
He does.He wants the other Dean to make an appearance,the one that knew how to have fun,the one that would react to Cas ,saying those things to him.Tha therapist,Cas,read him like an open book.And now again,he was trapped inside his own mind were everything was crashing.So many questions that Dean wanted to ask,so many things that he could say,but he chose to shut up.It was safer that way.
He was wondering if Castiel’s words were true ,if it went beyond his job as a shrink,but that was a stupid thing to think.What does Dean expect from the guy?They didn’t have like a serious discoussion ,like…ever,and he just wants him to care.That’s not how it works and he is a retard for thinking like that.
He shrugs Castiel’s hand of his shoulder,turns on heels and leaves without saying another word.
He gets to the motel at 3PM after a long walk in the city.He still didn’t have his car,so he was walking.He didn’t plan to actually repair his car soon and Bobby would never take up a job that Dean used to enjoy so much hoping that one day,Dean Winchester,all time fun and careless mechanic and entertainer would swing by and become Bob,the builder.Nope.
‘I think you want the old Dean back too.’
At the motel he opens up yet another bottle of alcohol,that by 7PM is empty and goes to sleep.That’s what Dean calls a restless night.
He failed,He was so sure for a second there that he got through to him,but then Dean walked out the door,leaving Cas to ask himself what was still making Dean close in on himself.That was a stupid question.His brother’s in a coma,his parents were dead and Castiel fails at helping him.Today was such a backstep that it shook Castiel a little.He was aware of the fact Dean probably wouldn’t have started to talk as soon Cas opened up to him about his thoughts and hopes ,but he was praying for a little step forward.Babysteps,anything that would indicate some process,but there was nothing.
After Dean left,Castiel found himself having a really hard day at work.He didn’t do anything.He was staring at pages rereading the same line for hours ,only to realize his thoughts were drifting to pained grass-green eyes and broken smile.It was so frustrating for him and he wasn’t able to reamin calm or contain himself any longer.He took off early ,heading straight to his house.
He was going insane,that was the only explanation.After three years of being a successful therapist,he was going mad.He tossed his keys on the counter and went upstairs to take a shower,in an attempt to distangle himself from memories of Dean.It ddin’t do any good ,as expected.It was so unprofesional for him.He felt this need to help Dean,to make him happy,to see his smile,to take care of him,but it felt like more than that.If Castiel had the courage and assurance that he wouldn’t have a concussion he would slam his head against every flat surface in that house.He was boiling.For a second there,he thought about looking up the motel Dean was staying at and paying him a visit and not leave until he could see a change.A babystep.Anything.He saw the pain pretty well in Dean and himself and it reached a concerning lever for Dean because of his family and for Cas because of Dean.
He wasn’t scheduled to see Dean for two more days.Wait.Since when was Castiel the one scheduled.Dean was scheduled to see Cas.
On one hand he wanted to see Dean ,but on the other hand he felt kind of scared to see his reaction but at the same time thrilled.He didn’t know what was worse or how could this happen or how Dean got so close to his heart without saying a word really.
Days passed for Cas slower than ever.It was like the clock was screwing with him and actually going backwords,but no.The only one Castiel gladly blaimed was Castiel.No concentration,no excitement,no ambition.Nothing.Just bad news.
He was having a kinda,sorta crush on his client.His freaking client with anger and trust issues and fear of abandonment and talking problems and low self-esteem and slight alcoholism and depression and green eyes and tanned freckled skin and….he was an idiot.Awesome.
So after a day and a half of complete restlessness and no acomplishments what so ever,it was Wednesday morning ,8:56AM to be very precise and Castiel was sitting at his desk in his very comfortable leather chair that suddenly wasn’t so comfortable anymore,waiting for Dean to show up.There was no real explanation for his sudden idiotic behavior.He wanted to see if Dean was better but he knew deep down that was unlikely so all this false hope was the reason that Castiel was a light headed retard.If he expected Dean to show with a smile on his face and every wrinkle on his forehead and bag under his eyes gone then he wasn’t as good of a shrink as he thought.Probably Dean didn’t have any reaction and he probably didn’t care and was probably-
The door opened slowly with a barely audible creak and a shy Dean was entering the room.
‘Hello,Dean.’ Castiel greeted him with his usual smile and waited for Dean to take his seat. ‘How are you-?’
‘No.’Dean said,finally looking Castiel in the eyes. The shrink was stunned.From all the possibilities,this one never crossed his mind.Dean ddin’t want to talk at all.Maybe he would stop coming to session all together.Castiel’s heart shattered when he thought about it.
‘Dean…’
‘Stop.’
‘But…’
‘No,Cas…’he raised his hand ,as to emphasize the fact that Castiel needed to shut up.He took a deep breath and leaned back in his seat ,trying to seem unphazed.Whatever Dean was going to say,if he was actually going to say something,Cas won’t fight him,won’t convince him to stay,he just had to let him go.There was nothing he could do.
‘So’ Dean started looking at his hands in his lap ,nodding absently ‘I had this brother.His name was Sam.And i-I lost him.’he brought his hands to lay on the armrests. ‘We were in this car crash.I,um,I was the one driving and i…killed them.’his knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping the leather and Castiel was picking up on it all,how Dean was closing in on himself with every word he spoke and how he didn’t raise his head for a second since he started talking about his brother and it made him so sad but at the same time, happy and shocked because Dean was actually communicating ,he was telling Castiel what had happened to him.He wanted to stand up and come a little closer to Dean ,let him know that he was there and he was listening and he was appreciating the effort and that it was all ok,but he refrained.
‘I killed them,Cas.Sam and dad,i-I did.And they are dead…because of me and..i…’
This time there was no question,as Ellen told him ,Dean really believed he was responsible for his father’s death and his brother’s coma ,which Dean chose to refer to as death too.It was all overwhelming for Castiel and in this stage ,he didn’t even want to think about what Dean must be feeling.All these lies Dean was making to prove himself he was a horrible person.
Castiel stood up from his chair ,not thinking twice and went to stand on the edge of the desk right in front of Dean.He lowered his head to catch his gaze.As soon as he did,he spoke.
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Wha-?’
‘I don’t believe you,Dean.I don’t believe you killed them.’
‘But I did.’he nodded.
‘You didn’t.You want to believe that so you can have a reason to distance yourself from the real world.But if you actually did as you so strongly claim,you wouldn’t be here.’he talked to Dean with this compassion and he meant every word and he wanted Dean to understand and he wanted Dean to keep talking ,to keep telling him his story,even though he knew it already from Ellen,cover to cover,he wanted to find out Dean’s side of the story, even though he imagined it was full of self hatred and worthlessness.
‘How would you know?You have no idea who I am.’Dean gritted his teeth.
‘Not entirely true.I know you and your brother are Ellen’s boys and I know she cares for you two and I also know that if you really would’ve killed your family ,you would be in jail ,not in my office.I can tell that you want to paint me a portret of yourself as a villain,but I can very clearly see past it.’
Dean’s anger started to diminish,left only with the feeling that he was defeated and he hated it.
‘I can tell how much it hurts you,Dean.Thank you for making this effort.Thank you for opening up to me about your family.It means a lot to me.I know you probably don’t feel like talking anymore cause my rambling threw off the atmosphere ,but whenever you feel like it just please come here.It doesn’t matter if you’re scheduled or not,just know that you are always welcomed here.’
A flick of hope crossed Dean’s face before he put on his his emotionless face.But as short as the moment was Castiel was very much aware of Dean’s feelings in that moment,be it hope or hate or fear or numbness or everything combined.
‘You don’t have to do this alone,you know.Now you have me.’the lovey-dovey moment was gone when he realized what the hell he’d said and he rushed to add ‘As your therapist.’
When Dean looked kind of suspicious with Castiel’s words ,his breath caught in throath,but he let it slide and so did Castiel.
Things were finally starting to look up for Castiel and he wanted to enjoy every moment of it.He was aware that it will probably go rotten soon with Castiel’s luck but he realized he didn’t care at that moment.
When he returned home a wave of exhaustion hit him.Hours of work and sleepless nights had caught up to him.After getting ready for bed ,he crawled under his blankets and let sleep consume him.The smile never left his face.Even when dreaming,his thoughts were fully directed to green eyes and freckles and he wasn’t bothered at all.