Chapter 3
For about three weeks,life was going much slower for Dean,if you even call it that.The two-hour sessions with Castiel felt like two days,the walk home felt like a year and everything was moving so gradual, so heavy.Nights were the worst really.That’s when time stopped and allowed Dean to think about the worst decissiones of his life, all the people he let down and how it always ended in tragedy for the few that dared to love him.With this kind of thoughts playing in Dean’s mind like a raphsody on a daily basis , he truly started to feel cursed.
Apparently, therapy isn’t doing any good.What a shocker!And frankly Catiel doesn’t even seem to try to get Dean to talk anymore and he is nothing but grateful for the change.He goes to his office from 9 to 11AM every Monday ,Wednesday and Friday.He actually knocks sometimes before entering his office and says ‘Hey’ and Castiel always greets him back before gesturing for Dean to take a seat.After he is seated Castiel asks him how he is doing or if there’s anything he would like to talk about and Dean always says he is fine or that nothing special happened so there’s not a single thing he wishes to talk about clearly telling Castiel through his looks that he doesn’t want to go on with the questions so with a heavy sight ,Castiel nods and goes back to whatever he was doing before Dean showed up, which is mostly reviewing other patience’s files or making notes for upcoming events or coming up with new ways to work with other people,the ones that actually want to be helped.At the end of the two hours Castiel tells Dean that he’s free to go so he stands up and walks out the room quietly without other formalities being exchanged.
At first,Castiel is not really bothered by Dean’s silence.He’s been warned of Dean’s stubbornness and trust issues and he totally understood.He knew it was going to be harder to get through to him but he had any intention to try and help,but he never imagined approaching two months of almost daily therapy sessions without Dean saying a word about himself or his family or anything for that matter.Castiel thought about giving the hell up ,telling Ellen that he doesn’t see the point in her spending her money on someone who doesn’t even want help.It all felt unnatural and forced on Dean and probably that’s why he wouldn’t talk.But weeks passed and he started seeing tiny bits of Dean that made him realize how truly broken this man was and how he thought he deserved it all.It broke his heart to see such a beautiful man like Dean keep his head down and hide his pain even if the soulution was right in front of him.Even if he finally decided to try harder to help Dean in every way he could ,he was still frustrated with his behavior and he knew that chances for an open discussion with Dean where he told him how he actually saw things with Dean and it actually making a positive change in his attitude are microscopic.
‘I have no idea what to do.’ He stated one night while he was driving home after picking Charlie up to have a ‘girls’ night together, as she liked to call it.He didn’t usually discuss his patience’s problems but the frustration was too much to hold it in himself any longer.
‘We talking about that hot dude,Dean or whatever?’she asked playfully.She seemed to be in a good mood and that relaxed Castiel a little bit.
‘Yes.’he sighted ‘Dean.It’s been six weeks and still nothing.No words outside casualities.’
‘Maybe he doesn’t want help.’
‘I know he doesn’t but I have to try.I, I have to help him.’he said staring straight ahead watching the road and the other cars fading behind them as he started to speed up.It was pretty late and so the road wasn’t that full.
‘Why?’ she chuckled ‘It’s not like you own it to him or something.’
‘No.I don’t.’
‘Then…what is it about,Castiel?’
‘Nothing.’ He huffed but he knew Charlie picked on on it and he prepared himself for the questions that followed, making a mental plan how to escape this conversation without sutting everything down completely.
‘It’s not nothing.You can’t just say that you have to help him and then tell me nothing.S’not fair,dude.’
‘He lost his parents,his mother when he was four years old and his father in a car crash about half a year ago. The same accident put his brother in a coma.’ He felt like a total jackass telling Charlie about Dean’s life like it was nothing, but she was his best friend and he knew he could trust her more than anyone so he let that thought slide.
‘Ouch.’she replied brushing a flock of red hair out.’That’s harsh, but it still doesn’t explain your sudden need to help the guy.Even more if he doesn’t want it.’
Castiel glanced at her but immediately turned his eyes to the road.Silence settled between them and he was starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable, but then Charlie started talking again.
‘Why are you really doing this?’
‘Because.’ He started but fell silent again when he found himself at a loss for words.
‘Because what?’Charlie pressed still wearing that bright smile of hers that never failed to cheer him up, but given the situation it felt really out of place.
‘I don’t know.’ He snapped but quickly changed the subject, as to pass the moment when things started to get awkward for the both of them. ‘Anyway, what are so smiley about?Making progress with…Meg.I believe that was her name.’
‘Yeah,Meg.No,no progress.I tried talking to her,tried to explain how she doesn’t have to be afraid to be angry sometimes as long as that anger can be used for some, you know, positive stuff,but she just freaked out and stormed out of my office.Again.I swear I’m thinking about tying her to that chair until she hears all I have to say.But that wouldn’t be very professional,would it?’
‘It certainly wouldn’t, but you know I respect your inconventional therapy methods.’
‘Yeah,I know.’she said still smiling goofly
‘But you still haven’t told me the reason of your happiness?’
‘Gee,Castiel, loosen up a little,would ya’?’ when Castiel only gave her a suspicious look she started laughing ‘Ok so,you know Dorothy ,right?’Castiel nodded ‘Well,she asked me out!Finally!’
‘She did?That’s great,Charlie.I mean she’s been giving you mixed signals for what ,3 months now?I’m really happy for you.I hope it works out.’Castiel congratulated her with a shy smile on his face.
‘Thanks.But I hope you get laid.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Dude, seriously,you are a stuck up little bitch with fancy vocabulary.Like I said you need to loosen up a bit.I mean you haven’t have sex in like… a year or so and I think-‘
‘Thank you,Charlie for your immense concern regarding my sexual activities but right now I’m not that interested in that matter.’He said trying to sound completely unmoved by Charlie’s statements
‘Yeah, right.’ She mocked him.Castiel glanced at her, frowning just to make his point clear.She stuck out her tongue in response and that made of them laugh.Then it all went quiet and they drove to Catiel’s house in a relaxing silence.But that didn’t mean Castiel didn’t think about Dean the whole ride.
---------------------------------------
Back in Dean’s hotel room ,things were silent too.Dean slept all day until his neck and left arm became sore.That second bottle of whisky was a bad choice,but at least he forget about the world for about three hours and now he was back and hangover and it sucked.
Everyday becomes somehow harder than the previous one and it’s killing him from the inside out.He can’t stop the nightmares,he can’t bring his parents back,his brother back,he can’t comfort the people left that give a damn,he can’t be there for anyone,so what’s the point in his existence.None.He can’t help people,not anymore.He’s useless and he knows it.He feels like he continues to live on borrowed time and it’s bugging the hell out of him but he won’t do anything.He’s not that gone.But there’s this inevitable question that just won’t leave him alone:Why Sam? From all the people on this planet what did this happen to him.If he could Dean with swap places with him in a second.Without blinking.But it’s too late.It’s too god damn late…
He checks his phone : 7:40AM , no new calls or messages.He puts his phone away and makes his way to the bathroom.He didn’t mean to stay that long in there but as they say water really helps you think but as soon as Dean’s thoughts make a bad turn he dryes himself quickly and goes back to the small bed tucked in the right corner of the room opposed to the door.It creaks when he sits down and Dean couldn’t hate it more even if he tried but it’s still better than going to his old house.
Even with the creaking bed and the throbbing pain in his skull he still gets to nap for about two hours until he got startled by something buzzing.It took him a couple of seconds to realize where he was and what was going on.Then he proceded to find out where that sound was coming from.It hadn’t ringed in so long Dean even forgot his ringtone.He thought it might be Ellen asking about how he’s doing or Jo or Bobby but the caller’s ID drained all the color of his face. ‘Jessica’ ,the screen read.He hadn’t talked to her since the funeral,his dad’s funeral.She asked Dean how he was doing and he just said ‘Fine.’ And Jess smiled and continued to explain to him how she came to the funeral because that’s what Sam would want her to do even if he couldn’t exactly come and that she was sure that Sam’ll wake up because he’s a strong guy and he’ll bounce right back and all Dean did was twitch up a corner of his mouth in an attempt to smile,but the truth was that it pained him.At first,even with his dad’s death he remained optimist for Sammy ,hoping his brother would come back to him but in two weeks he knew he was doomed to be alone.Always.And Sam’s fiancé , once one of Dean’s friends became just a flesh and blood prof of how much of a fuck up he was ,another person that Dean had caused unnecessary pain to.He didn’t want to talk to her, he really didn’t ,but he reasoned with himself.What’s the worst thing that could happen?I took the love of her life away.I own her at least a phone call.
As soon as he answered he was greeted by a sweet feminine voice.Dean remembered how full of life she was and probably still is ,how happy she and Sam were together and how optimistic she was about Sam’s recovery and how Dean took that away from her.
‘Hey,Dean.It’s Jess.’ She sounded so calm while Dean wanted to just end the call and crawl back in the bed or maybe under it would be a better fit for him.
‘Hi,Jess.’he nearly whispered
‘Look, I know this call may be a little’he heard her drew in a long breth ‘unexpected, but I just wanted to see how you holding up.’he misses her.Her and Sam.Sam and Jess together and it’s eating him up and he wants to stop feeling so powerless all the time.He wasn’t powerless.He was the one in control.He always had control.
‘I’m fine.’he cursed himself for sounding so wreck,but then cleared his voice ‘I’m okay.How-how are you?’
‘Still good.’
‘Still?’ he asked with a shaky breath.
‘I miss him, Dean.I miss Sam.’He knew this was coming.He was counting down the seconds till this happened and he tried to embrace himself,hold himself up,stay strong,if not for his honour of big brother ,then for Jessica.But then the words had a more powerful impact on him than he could’ve imagined.He wanted to crawl into hell hole he came from,wanted to stop,wanted to disappear.But he was still talking to Jess, who was most probably waiting for an answear.
‘Me too.’
‘But he’ll come back.I know it.He’s strong.He won’t leave us.I know it.’
As much as he wanted to believe in her words he didn’t and now he thought maube she didn’t either,Maybe she needed ensurance and positivity,but Dean was so far up negativity’s ass that he couldn’t see anything besides the image of his brother on a hospital bed,uncounscious,fighting every single minute for his life.Sam.Sammy.It should’ve been me.Why him?Why Sam?Why Sammy?It should’ve been me.Not him.Please not him.All these voices in his head and only two really stood out.His own, chanting like a choir in the back: You killed him.You.It’s your fault.Look what you did to him.Your own blood.You shoud’ve been dead by now.The other one was his dad’s: Protect him.it saidBut now it’s too late.You were supposed to protect and you were the one to doom him.Pathetic,worthless son of a bitch.You deserve your pathetic life.You deserve it all.
‘Dean!’Jessica’s panicked voice came from the other end. ‘Dean, are you still there?Are you ok?’
He let his head drop back as he was fighting the tears that threatened to spill out. ‘I can’t.I’m so sorry,Jess.I’m sorry.’he whispered then he ended the call quickly as he dropped his phone and made his way out of the room,slamming the door behind him.
He got out of the motel in a rush,ignoring all the stares he was getting for wearing only a t-shirt and his sweatpants in late-autumn weather.He didn’t feel anything.He felt so numb,so disconnected with his sentiments,only a dull pain in his chest assuring him that he was still alive.All the thoughts,the pain,the tears,the memories were just to much for him.He was truly overwhelmed and shocked and panicked.It all hit him like a wave of regrets and poor choices.He was running down the street before he was fully aware of what the hell he was doing.
After a fifteen-minute run and ten-minute walk he found himself entering the city’s most popular graveyard.Apparently, his subbcounscious wanted to pay mommy and daddy a visit.He wasn’t even aware of himself at that point,he just let his mind take over his body .It was like Dean was watching all of his actions in a movie.He stumbled on the path between the graves and slowly approached their parents’graves.When he got there the numb feeling started to fade away leaving only pain,physical and mental.He was so cold and he was so sorry.He regreted everything.Everything he did during his useless life,he regreted.He touched her mother’s grave with the tip of his finger before falling on to his knees in front of it.He lost the fight with his tears ,letting them spill on his cheecks,but the wind dryed them off by now.
‘I miss him, Dean.I miss Sam.’
‘I’m sorry,mom.I’m so sorry.’he whispered to one of the graves.Then he looked at both of them and continued. ‘I know I screwed up and I’m sorry.I’m sorry.I’m sorry.Please.’His voice was trembling.It was so cold outside.He probably should’ve taken his jacket before he left.Well,the panicky state he was in didn’t let him think properly.Like he could think.
‘But he’ll come back.’
Maybe he should leave.But it was starting to feel comfortable.Maybe he could close his eyes a little bit.He did.He was rocking back and forth as he kept apologizing for being borned to his dead parents.He is totally balanced.
As he was whispering ‘I’m sorry’like a prayer he felt a cold hand reach his shoulder.With the shy touch came a gruff voice.
‘He won’t leave us.’
‘Dean?’
Wait a minue.He knew that voice.He hears it so often he thinks it might be stuck to his brain.He turned quicly to see Castiel standing with a look of horror on his face.Oh,come on!He can’t even visit his dead parents without Mr.stick-up-the-ass showing up out of nowhere.
‘Are you ok?What are you doing?’Castiel asked,while the horror was placed by concern.
What am i doing?!Well,let’s see.I am trying to find the end of the rainbow to get a pot of gold and his leprechaun and ask for my long lost unicorn back.Duh.I thought it was obvious.
‘Are you following me around or something?Why the hell are you here,man?’He knew he was being rude but this wasn’t his therapist he was talking to.This was Castiel Novak , all time awkward being and a complete stranger.Who knows?Maybe the guy is serial killer.
‘I am not following you,that’s for sure.’Dean gave him a look as to say “Then what?’ ,so Castiel resumed his explanation.He pointed to a couple of graves two rows down Dean’s parents’ tombs and smiled sheepishly. ‘That’s my mom and right next to her is Ana.’ He paused glancing at them ‘My sister.’
Dean stood up quickly mumbling something under his breath but Castiel couldn’t make it out for the life of him.Finally Dean straightened up a bit and draw his shoulders back as he stared into Castiel’s ocean blue eyes and whispered ‘I’m sorry.I didn’t know.’ It came out way weaker than he intended but the cold was getting to his bones and the tiring walk and his restless mind were really cathching up with him.If it weren’t for this guy standing right in front of him he would’ve been asleep already…in a graveyard.He needed to leave and never get out of that motel room ever again.
He tried to take a step forward but feel on his knees right in front of Castiel who right beside him in a heartbeat holding him.Great!Now Dean can’t even take care of himself.What a pathetic human he is.
‘No,no’ he was whispering and Castiel was actually starting to worry that Dean would’ve done something stupid if he hadn’t showed up,thought he didn’t begged him for that kind of damaged.The truth is whatever Castiel could imagine ,he would never know the truth.’No!No!Leave me alone!’ Dean was nearly shouting but In that rhythm he would be rendered silent by the cold in about a minute or so and no matter how much Castiel wanted to just hold Dean and comfort him,he started to trash in his embrace so he let Dean go.As espected he didn’t have that much power so he scooted two steps away.
‘Dean,let me help you.Please.’He tried to rationalize with Dean but by this point he was pretty sure he wasn’t listening.That’s when a shivering Dean responded with hushed words ‘I don’t need help.I don’t need your help.I’m fine.Just go.Just go.’
Castiel narrowed his eyes at him.He was truly impressed how this man had the power to deny help,even on the verge of unconsciousness ,even bowed down to the unfairness of life he stood tall,he stood alone.And it was heartbreaking,but Castiel knew that Dean’s stubbornness didn’t have anything to do with him in particular it was just who he was,his principles that made him turn down help even in the obvious moments of need.But he wasn’t gonna back down that easy,he was going to support him,save him and show him that he was worth saving.
‘In your current condition I’d say otherwise,Dean.’ Castiel responded with a plain smile on his face.
‘What do you know?’Dean asked gritting his teeth.If it wasn’t for his excruciating pain that during this conversation spreaded throught all his body,he would’ve left minutes ago.
‘More than you give me credit for.’Castiel came a little closer he was closing the space between them one inch at a time until he was griping Dean’s arms and hauling him up.With shaky legs and raged breaths,Dean protested but gave into Castiel’s touch as he let himself be swallowed by the shallow darkness of dreams once again.