Facing the truth
It was another time when Lexa was with their friends and Clarke stayed with Aden at home. Lexa told her she should come but Clarke excused herself by saying that she had a headache and she wouldn’t be a good company. So here she was sitting in a booth at the club drinking another whisky.
“Clarke bailed on us again?” Raven asked seeing that the blonde was missing. She was the last one to come because as always she was late.
“She has a headache.” Lexa murmured and took the last sip of her third whisky glass.
“How typical.” Raven just huffed and ordered some drink for herself.
“Shut up Raven!” Octavia couldn’t hear it anymore. Every time Raven was accusing Clarke of bailing them all when there was a reason the blonde did that. If she was in Clarke’s place she didn’t want to see them either. They were shitty friends and Octavia started to see that.
“Excuse me? I’m not the one who is bailing on my friends over and over again.”
“If you didn’t ignore her maybe she would be here. We bailed on her when we took Lexa’s side.”
“I didn’t ignore her.”
“Really? How many times have you said that you have something to do when I told you we should go to her huh? How many times did you declined her calls when she wanted to ask you to watch Aden because she had an emergency in the hospital? If that isn’t ignoring someone then I don’t know how to call it.”
“She was the one who told me that she didn’t need me.”
“No Raven.” This time it was Lexa who spoke. “She told you that if you were still treating her like she was made of glass then she didn’t need that kind of friend. Also you were always crossing a line and reminding her that she is a lair. But you know what? She didn’t lie to you. So it is none of your business and you don’t have right to do that.”
“Oh my God Raven is that true?” Octavia was really mad at her. She didn’t know about it.
“I always said sorry.” Raven looked guilty but she tried to defend herself.
“So what? It means nothing when you do that over and over again. Raven that was a low blow even for you. You can’t blame her for something she didn’t do to you.” The younger brunette said.
“I’m sorry but I just don’t know how to act around her! I don’t know how to deal with someone who had a miscarriage!” Raven said it louder than she expect it. Lexa’s eyes shut when she heard that word. She tried so hard not to think about it today. Octavia’s eyes widened because it was the first time when she heard that information.
“What are you talking about?” the younger girl was confused and then it all clicked. She looked at Lexa. “Is it true?” Lexa nodded. “Did she know she was pregnant back then?” Lexa shook her head and remained silent. “Oh my God we are bunch of assholes. Raven you are a dick and you Lexa… I’m sorry but you’re not fair.” At that Lexa clenched her jaw.
“I’m not fair? Really? She didn’t told me about it. She hid it from me.” Lexa’s look was cold.
“Yes, she kept it to herself and you are hurt because she didn’t tell you. But look around. You have your sister, Raven, Lincoln and you had me. What about her? She has no one. She’s sitting there all alone. And she was the one who lived it, who experienced it. I know Clarke my whole life and I know that she thinks you blame her for this just as much as she blames herself. Even though she couldn’t predict it. And maybe you say you don’t but I’m sure that deep down you are blaming her because she lost a child she didn’t know she was carrying. So I’m not gonna sit here watching you moping around because she lied. But you know what? She didn’t do it. She just wanted to protect you form suffering. Yes you had the right to know but even if you did, there was nothing you could do to change what happened. So she did what she thought was right. She saved you from unnecessary pain.” Octavia grab her jacked and purse and left the club leaving Lexa deep in thoughts.
Was Octavia right? Did she really blamed her for losing a child? Maybe she was and maybe that was the problem. Maybe unintentionally she blamed her for not taking care of herself and at the end losing their child. Maybe she really wasn’t fair to Clarke because she didn’t know the base of her anger.
Clarke put Aden to bed when she heard the doorbell. She was confused because Lexa was out and she couldn’t think of anyone who could come at this hour. When she opened the door she saw Octavia with a bottle of wine in her hand. That confused her even more.
“Hey O. Lexa left two hours ago.” She told the brunette. She couldn’t think of any reason why Octavia was here.
“I’m not here for Lexa. My best friend is hurting and I was acting like a total bitch to her. So here I am with a bottle of wine I know she loves and to show her my support.” Octavia shoot her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry Clarke. I have no excuse for how I acted.”
“Well if you had a tacos from the Nyko’s then maybe I could forgive you.” Clarke tried to joke.
“In that moment I’m glad I know you so well.” Octavia chuckled and revealed a white paper bag with tacos in it. The blonde was touched that at least one of her friend was making the effort. Maybe she was worth something. Clarke tried to smiled but her watery eyes betrayed her. “Oh Clarke…” Octavia put her arms around her and hugged her. After a moment she let Octavia in.
She went to the kitchen for two wine glasses and plates for a food. They sat on the couch. Octavia opened the wine and poured into the glasses. They were talking about everything except Clarke’s relationship with Lexa. And she was grateful for it. She needed some kind of normal night. Just to focus about something else. Clarke looked at the clock. It was almost midnight.
“I think we should go to my room. Lexa will be back soon.” Clarke said. She was drunk and she didn’t need to have another fight with also drunk Lexa.
“She won’t come back. I told Lincoln to bring her to our place for tonight.” Octavia smiled a little. She knew the blonde needed a quiet and free night. “Do you want to talk about it?” Octavia asked.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Clarke sighed and took another large sip of her wine.
“Okay. If you’re sure.” Octavia didn’t pushed her. She knew Clarke would talk about it when she was ready. “I think we’re out of wine. But we are far from over so what you got?”
“I think Lexa have some whisky in the cabinet. Wait here.” Clarke stood up a bit too quickly almost falling down again. She gathered balance and went towards a cabinet with alcohols. She took whisky bottle and two small glasses. She returned on the couch and poured brown alcohol. “Cheers.” She smiled and clicked her glass with Octavia’s.
They were half way through the bottle of whisky when Clarke looked at Octavia with tears in her eyes and sighed.
“What am I going to do if she leave’s me?”
“You’re going to survive this. Because you are strong. But I don’t think she’s going to leave you.” Octavia said. She moved closer to her and put an arm around her.
“How can you think that? Octavia she is blaming me for this. It’s something we can’t ignore.”
“Clarke she loves you. Even if she blames you she knows it wasn’t your fault. When she’ll understands it she’ll come around.”
“I killed our child O! She won’t just come around!” Clarke raised her voice a little and then started crying. The truth was that the blonde needed to cry to someone. She was glad that the brunette was with her tonight.
“Clarke it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know about your pregnancy. You can’t blame yourself because you didn’t do it on purpose.” Octavia was rubbing small circles on her back.
“I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t recognized the symptoms.”
“Hey, look at me.” When the blonde did that’s when Octavia continued. “You didn’t do that on purpose. You were driven to help those people and you gave them everything you could. It wasn’t your fault.” Octavia shot her a genuine and small smile. She wiped tears from her cheeks.
“But I should have known.” Clarke still trying to argue with that. In her own head it was her fault. She could prevent it.
“No Clarke. You could have known but you didn’t and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You are human and sometimes these things happened. It could have happened even though you would have taken care of yourself.”
“I killed my baby.”
“No. You had miscarriage. Something terrible happen to you but it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for that.”
“But she blames me for it.”
“Clarke tell me something… Would it be possible for this to happen, even if you knew you were pregnant back then? Even if you did take care of yourself?” Clarke just looked at Octavia and nodded. “Then it’s not your fault and Lexa will see it too.” She hugged the blonde and let her cry on her shoulder.
“What if she’s not?” Clarke looked at Octavia with panic in her eyes.
“We will think about it when it’ll happen okay?” The blonde nodded at those words. “Maybe you should stay with your mom for a while? However ironic that sound maybe you should spend some alone time.”
“Maybe” Clarke whispered. Around 2 a.m. they both went to sleep.
In the meantime Lincoln took Lexa to the house. She was really, really drunk. Octavia’s words got to her and the only thing she did in the club was thinking about what she heard and drinking. But now… she was sitting on the couch in Lincoln’s livingroom. The tall guy was standing in front of her and looked at her with disappointment in his eyes.
“Say what you need to say.” Lexa slurred. She just wanted to get this over with.
“Why do you do this to yourself? Drinking this much? And for what? You have a son for a fuck’s sake!” Lincoln yelled at her. He knew she could forget about it in the morning but he needed to say it. He didn’t recognize his sister anymore.
“You think I don’t know that? What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem? I don’t know… maybe that you never drink that much in such a short time. You never bailed on your family before. You’re acting just like…” Lincoln stopped before could regret his words. Lexa however picked up on that.
“Like who? Huh?” She was angry. She was really angry and angry and drunk Lexa was a very bad combination. “Like our father? That’s what you’re going to say?” She raised from the couch and took a step toward her brother.
“Lexa what’s going on with you? You’re never acted like that before. Tell me what happened?” He just wanted to help his sister.
“She suppose to know this. She’s a fucking doctor! It wasn’t suppose to happen.” Lexa snapped. Lincoln just grabbed her and hugged her tight.
“Shhh.. it’s okay. Lexa calm down…” He talked to her softly. Just like they were kids and Lexa was scared or freaked out. After a couple of minutes Lexa was silent and still in his arms. He hesitantly put his arms down. “Lex we both know you’re not mad at her about it. We both know you’re not blaming her for loosing your child. It could have happened even if she knew she was pregnant.”
“Then why I’m so mad all the time? It must be it. She lied to me Lincoln. She should have known.”
“Okay, good. You feel anger. What else do you feel?” Lincoln asked looking at his sister. She started naming her feelings and it was a really big step.
“Are you pulling ‘how that made you feel’ shit on me? I know you’re a psychologist but I don’t need one.” Lexa looked at her brother disapprovingly.
“I’m just trying to help. Come on Lex. Tell me what else do you feel when you’re thinking about it.” He knew that if Lexa was sober he couldn’t have talked to her about it so he was taking advantage of the moment when he could get some answers from his stubborn sister. She looked at him and then caved.
“I’m just so angry. I want to break something. I cry every night wondering how it would be if it doesn’t happened. I’m just sad.” Lexa started crying. Lincoln put his arms around her again and smiled. Lexa needed to talk about it. Even if she was drunk. “I’m just confused.”
“Confused?” Lincoln furrowed her brow and looked at her. “Why?”
“I just don’t get it. I don’t get how I just feel so strong about loosing something that I’ve never really had.” Lexa broke in that moment. Lincoln sat with her for the whole time till she calmed down.
“So you’re not angry at Clarke. You also not blaming her. You blame the world that it took something from both of you. And if you feel like that imagine how Clarke must feel.”
Lexa didn’t think about it like that. Truth be told she never blamed Clarke for what happened even though it could seem like that. In that moment Lexa sobered momently. In her head appeared fight from yesterday.
One day earlier
Clarke had day-off. She was sitting on a couch and watching some show on Netflix while Aden was playing on the floor. Lexa was late as always. Since they decided to have a little break, coming from work took Lexa more time that it used to. Even though Clarke wasn’t surprised, it still hurt. She knew that it might take them some time until they came to sort of confirmation where they wanted to take their relationship but she had a hope that Lexa wouldn’t have ignored her that much.
Few minutes passed until Clarke could hear the ringing of the phone. She picked up the phone confused because she didn’t expect a phone call this day.
“Hello?”
“Hi. My name is Finn Collins. I’m calling because I wanted to inform you that the first practice will be next weekend instead of this weekend.” Clarke didn’t know what was going on.
“I’m sorry but what practice? What are you talking about? Are you sure you called the right number?”
“Are you Lexa Woods?”
“No. She’s my girlfriend.”
“Well Ms. Lexa Woods sign her son to the team two days ago. The first practice supposed to be this weekend but unfortunately we need to postponed it.” Clarke hearing that started to wondering why Lexa didn’t told her about it. She signed him two days ago so it’s a lot of time to pass the information.
“Oh yeah. I remember now. Well thank you for information.” She didn’t want to sound uninformed so she went with it. After quick goodbye she put the phone down and get back to the couch. She looked at her son. “Aden, baby. Do you want to play soccer?” Aden’s face lit up instantly.
“Yes!!! Mom and me played soccer and she told me that if I want to be in a team she talk with this man… I don’t remember the word…” Aden pouted but Clarke was quick to help him.
“You mean the coach?”
“Yeah. So mom talked to the coach and I’m on the team. I have a pra… pr… What is the word mommy?”
“Practice baby.” She smiled genuinely at him.
“I have practice Saturday.” Aden was very happy.
“Coach Collins just called. He needed to postponed the practice to another weekend.” Aden’s chin started to tremble a bit when he heard those words but Clarke quickly add. “But don’t worry. I’m sure your mom take you to the field and play with you.”
Later that day Clarke took Aden to his friend’s house Ontari for a sleepover they had scheduled with her parents. When she came home Lexa was on the couch with a beer in her hand. The blonde couldn’t help but feel angry when she saw the brunette. It was the third time when Lexa hid some information. She sighed and went to the kitchen. Clarke waited a bit to see if Lexa was going to tell her that she sign Aden to the soccer team but after an hour Lexa still stayed silent. Clarke stood in front of the brunette successfully covered the screen of the TV. Lexa looked annoyed at Clarke.
“Can you move? I don’t see anything.” Green eyes watched carefully the blue one’s. Clarke ignored her words.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?”
“Not that I know of.”
“So you just thought that I shouldn’t know that you sign up Aden to the soccer team?” Lexa’s eyes widened at that. She totally forgot about that.
“Clarke I-“ Lexa started but Clarke stopped her by rising her hand.
“No Lexa! This is the third time when you’re not telling me things. I’m not saying you should start and talk to me because I can see clearly that you don’t want to do that and I’m not expecting you too but Aden is my son too. He is my kid too. I have a right to know this kind of things.” The brunette got angry at those words. Did Clarke really tell her that? What about her? She had right to know some stuff too.
“Now you know how I feel.” Lexa murmured under her nose.
“What did you say?” Clarke asked.
“Now you know how I feel.” Lexa said louder. “It was my child too. I had a right to know that too. You supposed to know that you were pregnant. You supposed to tell me that.” Lexa snapped, but it took only one look in Clarke’s eyes and she regretted it immediately. “Clarke… I’m sorry” The blonde only shook her head.
“I’m going to stay with my mom for the night.”
“Clarke… Please… ” Lexa looked at Clarke’s back as she was walking to her room. Moment later the blonde was walking towards the front door with a small bag. “Clarke wait.” Lexa stood up from the couch but the blonde was out the door and got in to the car. Lexa watched Clarke drove out of the driveway. She went back home and slammed the door with full force. “FUCK!!!
Lexa remembered that looked Clarke had. There was hurt, sadness, shame, disgust for herself in those eyes. Now she understand how much she hurt the one person she loved the most.
“Oh my god! What did I do…” Lexa stood up abruptly. “I need to go. I need to talk to her. Apologize to her.” Lexa was ready to leave when she felt Lincoln’s hand on her wrist.
“You can’t. You’re drunk, she is drunk. Get some sleep. You can talk to her tomorrow.” Lexa just looked at him confused but a few seconds later she nodded. Lincoln had right. She should sleep and get sober.
When Lexa came back home the next day there was really quiet there.
“Clarke? Aden?” Nothing. Just silence. She checked Aden’s room but there was no one there.
“Maybe she took him for a walk?” She wondered out loud but she couldn’t get rid of a feeling that something it’s not right.
She went to Clarke’s room. It was clean. Bed was made, not a single cloth on the chair which was odd. Clarke had a habit to leave her clothes on the chair. A really scary thought ran through her mind. Lexa went towards the closet and opened it with shaking hands. There was nothing in there. She checked the rest of the drawers. Nothing.
“No, no, no…” She run to the bathroom. There wasn’t any of Clarke’s cosmetics either. Lexa was devastated. Did Clarke just left her?
She went to the kitchen and saw a piece of paper on the friedge.
My dear Lexa.
I know it isn’t easy for you. I know because it isn’t for me either but I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that I can live with you under one roof and not feeling like I’m the big failure. I know I hurt you deeply. I see that disappointment in your eyes every time you looked at me and I just can’t take it anymore. I love you and I’ll always will but I can’t live with you anymore. Not when we’re like this.
I will stay with my mom for some time. I took Aden with me because I couldn’t leave him there all by him self. I know that he suppose to live with our house so you can take him back when you’re sober enough to drive. We can work out how to take care of our son leaving separately.
Love,
Clarke.