Turning point.
It’s been two weeks since Clarke and Lexa decided on separation. They still lived together but Clarke moved to the guest room. She took all of her clothes and stuff from their bedroom. Now it was Lexa’s room and the guest room was Clarke’s. They didn’t talk to each other unless they were spending time with Aden or when something concerned their son. Clarke went back to work.
There was one more thing Clarke needed to do and that was talking to her mom. She hasn’t talked to her since she came back, actually she was ignoring her. She was afraid that Abby still blamed her for her father’s death. So Clarke needed to do this sooner or later. And in this case sooner was a better option. So that’s why she was standing in front of her mother’s house.
“Clarke…” Abby said after she opened the door. She wasn’t expecting to see her daughter. “When did you came back?” Abby stepped forward and took Clarke in a tight hug.
“Hi mom.” She said and returned the hug. She wanted so badly to have that kind of greeting with Lexa and now she could lose her. She didn’t feel the tears that was streaming down her cheeks. When Abby pulled back she saw it.
“Oh Clarke… come one. Let’s get you inside.” They went inside the house and sat on the couch. “What’s going on?”
“She’s gonna leave me mom.” Clarke said very quietly. Abby wandered if she heard her correctly.
“What are you talking about Clarke? Lexa loves you.” The older woman was trying to understand what Clarke had meant. But it wasn’t an easy task if she didn’t know the whole story.
“She blames me for it. Just like you blame me for dad’s death.” At that Abby’s eyes widened.
“I didn’t blame you for it. Clarke it was an accident. You couldn’t have predicted it.”
“I tried to apologize to you that day, in the hospital. And you didn’t want to hear it. You just left.”
“Oh God Clarke no… It wasn’t like that. Oh my God baby no… I didn’t blame you. Honey it wasn’t like that.” Abby took her daughter in her arms again. Clarke was sobbing at this point. “Clarke listen to me very carefully. I didn’t blame you and I don’t blame you for what happened. In that moment it was just too much. I was hurt and I was trying to hold on for you. I knew you were a mess. I knew you felt guilty. I didn’t want to hear your apologies because you didn’t have any reason to apologize. Because it was an accident. It wasn’t your fault.” Abby rocked her back and forth like a small child.
“I’m sorry mom.” Clarke said between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know sweetheart. But it wasn’t your fault.” Abby kissed her daughter’s forehead and kept holding her. She wanted for Clarke to finally stopped blaming herself for that accident. “Now tell me what happen with Lexa?” So Clarke did. She told her everything form the start.
“I’m so afraid mom. I’m scared she’s gonna leave me. And when she will it’s going to be entirely my fault.” Clarke looked at her mother with red eyes. Abby wiped almost dry tears from her cheeks.
“She’s not going to leave you. Lexa loves you no matter what. She’s hurting right now. You kept something big from her. It takes time.” Clarke only nodded and sighed. “But don’t forget about Aden. Yes you two have a problems right now but Aden is the most important person in your relationship.”
“I know. I can’t imagine how hard it will be for him if we split.” Clarke didn’t want to imagine that he would be traveling between houses if they decided to break up.
“Stop thinking that. Focus on his happiness. Not what may or may not happen.” Clarke only nodded at those words. Her mother was right. She needed to focus on her son’s happiness. He was the most important. “Are you going to continue your therapy?” Abby asked after a moment of silent. Clarke looked at her mother.
“I don’t know. Do you think I should?” She respected her mother’s opinion. She was a far more better doctor than she was. Also Clarke wasn’t sure if she was healthy enough to stop the therapy.
“I can’t answer that question honey. It doesn’t matter what I think you should do. What matters is what you think. How do you feel after therapy? Any better?”
“I’m not sure if it’s better or not. I mean now I know how to talk about what I feel. I try not to close myself from others when I’m feeling like shit or when I have a bad days. I’m trying to enjoy and be happy because of small things like yesterday, I was with Aden playing in our yard and he spotted a flower. He brought it to me and told me that I look pretty and pretty girls deserve a flower. I mean for him it was just bringing a flower to his mother but for me… I’ve never felt so happy in my life. Or when he finally tied his shoes correctly without anyone help for the first time. I was so proud of him.” Clarke’s whole face lit up. She loved her son so much. She was so happy to have him in her life. “But of course there are some bad days when I don’t want to leave bed or just when I want to break something or just cry all day. There are days when I’m so angry with no reason. There are days I want to scream at everything because I feel so powerless, so hurt, so weak. Some days are even worse because at those days I want to give up. End this and just set everyone free from me. When those days come I feel so worthless. Like I don’t deserve any of this and the people I love deserve better that me. I almost did that when I was on my tour.” Clarke whispered the last sentence. Abby didn’t judge her, she didn’t get mad. She just looked at her with understanding.
“So I guess you have your answer.” That was all Abby told her daughter. At that moment Clarke knew. She did a huge progress but there was waiting a long way till she reached her destination that was being mentally healthy.
After a visit at her mother house she went to a graveyard. She spent two hours there. After the talk with her mom she finally forgive herself. She finally accepted that this was only an accident. She could finally look in the mirror without seeing herself as a murderer. Today was hard for her but it was also one of the most important days in her life. The one thing she wanted right now was to hug her son and listen what kind of day he had with Octavia and Lincoln.
“Mommy!” She smiled when she heard her son’s voice. She smiled widely and kneeled so she could be face to face with him.
“Hey buddy. Did you have fun?” She kissed him on the cheek.
“Yes! Uncle Lincoln and I played soccer and we built a huge fort with blankets. Come on. You need to see this.” Aden was so excited he could show his mother a fort he built. He was waiting for it whole afternoon. He took her hand and started to drag her into the house. “Look. Can we make it at home?” Aden asked and pointed at the tons of blankets on the floor.
“Yes baby, we can. Now go and grab your toys I need to talk to your aunt for a moment.” Aden nodded and started to collecting his toys. Clarke looked at Octavia. “Thanks O for watching him. Did he behave?”
“No problem Clarke and yes. You know he is a good kid. Are you okay?” Of course Octavia knew about their separation. It was hard not to when only Lexa came to dinner Octavia and Lincoln hosting and then two days later on a fundraiser for the gym Lexa was organized.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Clarke answered quickly and she knew that the younger brunette didn’t believe her. She also knew that for the last two weeks all her friends took Lexa’s side or at least it was what it seemed.
“You know you can talk to me.” Octavia tried but Clarke just shook her head.
“I’m sure Lexa told you everything that had to be said.” Blonde looked at her son who was trying to put a backpack on his back but he couldn’t reach the other strap.
“Clarke please. You know we support you too.”
“Really O? Do I? Because for the last two weeks Raven treated me like I didn’t exist and you cancelled almost every meeting. So no Octavia. I can’t talk to you.” Clarke turned around and helped Aden to put his backpack on his shoulder and looked at Octavia one last time. “Thank you again for watching him. Take care.” And with that she left Octavia’s house and drove away.
When they reached the house Aden was a little bit sleepy. So Clarke heated lasagna from last night. She left a piece for Lexa when she came from work. After they ate Clarke helped Aden built a fort just like she promised. She washed him and in their pajamas they settled in a fort with a books and a flashlight.
“Okay Aden, which book you want me to read?” She showed him his three favorite books.
“This one!” He yelled excited and pointed to a book with a dinosaur on a cover. Of course it was this one. She could have predicted it.
“Okay. Jump under the blanket and we can start reading.” He snuggled more into his mother and with genuine interest listening what Clarke was reading. Even if he heard it a million times.
Halfway through Aden drifted away and so did Clarke. The blonde was laying on one of the pillows, her arm was around Aden who had his head on Clarkes chest. And that was the position Lexa found them when she came back from work.