I'm trying.
When Lexa woke up she saw a glass of water and some Advil waiting for her. She was thankful for this because her head was pounding. She quickly took the pill and drank the whole glass. The brunette turned around only to see empty and cold sheets. She started to wonder if Clarke had left after she fell asleep or if she had stayed with her. She hoped it was the second option. She was about to bury her face into the pillow again when she heard loud child's laughter downstairs. She looked at the clock and saw it was past 9 a.m. She got up and left the room.
Aden was standing on the chair next to Clarke and had a cute apron on. Clarke was adding something to a bowl and Aden was mixing the ingredients.
“Mommy look. It's ready.” Aden showed Clarke his bowl with the mixed ingredients. He was proud of himself.
“No baby. We need to add a little bit of flour.”
“Can I?” The little boy asked.
“But carefully.” Clarke passed him the flour and tried to help him.
“No mommy. I can do it.” He pushed her hands away and picked the flour. When he tried to add it to the bowl it slipped from his hands and landed absolutely everywhere. He looked at Clarke and his chin started to tremble slightly.
“Oh baby don't cry. It's okay. We can clean this up.” She smiled kindly at him. But Aden wasn't convinced though. “Hey buddy. Cheer up.” She threw some flour at him and Aden smiled a little. So she threw some more. Aden laughed and took some flour in his small hand and threw it at his mommy. Clarke chuckled a bit. And thus the flour war began.
The sound of laughter was coming from the kitchen. Lexa stood in the doorway and leaned against the wall. The scene in font of her melted her heart. It was something she hadn't see in a long time. Clarke was laughing. Like truly laughing. God I missed her laugh. She didn't realise she had said it aloud until Clarke turned in the direction of the new voice. Their eyes met and it was like they found each other again. They exchanged a shy smile. They both knew that there had a long way ahead of them. They knew there would be some rough moments. They knew that they needed to talk about it more. You couldn't gain someone's trust back just like that. It took time. They both knew that. But time wasn't the problem. Clarke was here, she was going to stay. They had a lot of time. One look in each others' eyes is all it took for them to know that the fight for this relationship, for this family, for this love was worth it. It had always been and would always be. Clarke was about to say something when Aden came closer to his mother.
“Mom we are making breakfast for you.” He smiled adorably. Lexa smiled and picked him up. She kissed his flour-covered cheek.
“Thank you baby. Maybe I can help?” She looked at Clarke who just shook her head.
“No need. Just sit down and relax. How are you feeling?” The blonde asked and placed a cup of coffee in front of Lexa. She knew that the brunette might be hangover.
“My head hurt a little but I took the pill you left me. Thank you for that.” Clarke just nodded and finished mixing the ingredients before cooking the pancakes.
“Aden please wash your hands.” Clarke told him as she set a plate with pancakes in front of Lexa and one plate in front of Aden. She had only made coffee for herself.
“You're not eating with us?” Lexa asked confused.
“I'm not hungry.” The answer came very quickly from the blonde's mouth. Clarke started to clean up all the flour from the floor and counter.
“Mom when we can go to the playground?” Aden asked through a mouthful.
“Playground?” Lexa looked at her son and then at Clarke. Had she forgotten something?
“Um… Yeah. He asked yesterday if we could go to the playground today, and since it's your day off so I thought we could go together, but I didn't know if you wanted to so I told him that if the weather was fair we could go, and it's sunny so he wanted to go now, then I told him it was too early and that you were tired today, so he wanted to wait until you ate breakfast and that's why we made it for you - Not that I assume you'll go with us, but it would be nice if you went with us. But I totally understand if you don't want to go.” Lexa's only response at seeing Clarke ramble nervously was to smirk.
“Of course I'll go with you two. It could be a family day.” To be honest they needed a family day. To spent time with each other, just the three of them. Aden needed to be with both of his mothers. He needed attention from the both of them, at the same time. He was only four years old after all, he couldn't understand too much from what was happening between his mothers, so Lexa wanted to give that to him so and so did Clarke.
“Okay. Good.” Clarke smiled a little, she was relieved. Deep down she was scared that Lexa didn't want to spent time with her, even if it there was their son with them.
“Also I thought that Aden could sleep over at Abby's or Octavia's place tonight and we could talk. Without interruption.” Clarke only nodded and looked at her son.
“Baby what do you say about sleeping over at grandma's or aunt O's?” Aden's face lit up immediately. Clarke only smiled. She knew that they need to talk but at the same time she didn't want to talk.
“Yes! I want to go to aunty O's! Uncle Lincoln promised me that we could play this super racing game.” He was super happy. Lexa and Clarke loved to see their son that happy. It was all they wanted for him.
“I'll call Octavia and ask her.” Clarke grabbed her phone and went into the living room. Lexa and Aden stayed in the kitchen where Lexa was finishing her coffee and Aden was finishing his pancakes. Aden looked at his mother and put down the fork.
“Is mommy going to leave again?” Lexa was taken aback by the question.
“I don't think so buddy. Why are you asking?” She looked at her son curiously.
“Because mommy was sad yesterday. She thought I didn't hear her but she was crying when she went to the bathroom. The last time she cried she left us. She promised me she wouldn't leave again.”
“No baby. Mommy is not leaving us. Don't worry.” She told him and kissed his head. She didn't know what to think about all of this. Well… she knew, but still. She knew that Clarke still had problems and that she was suffering from depression. She knew that the blonde blamed herself for loosing their child. She also knew that it wasn't Clarke's fault. But she was so angry with all of this lying and secrets Clarke had kept away from her.
“Then why was she crying?” He jumped off his chair and climbed on his mother's lap. Lexa embraced him with her arms.
“When mommy was away she experienced something that made her very sad. And it is something hard for her to forget. So sometimes she thinks about it and she is sad. That's why she is crying.” She was hoping that Aden wouldn't ask any more questions. She couldn't be prepared for that conversation with Aden when she hadn't had it with Clarke yet.
“I don't like when she is sad.”
”I know baby. Me neither. So maybe we can do everything in our power today so she won't be sad today?” Lexa brushed his hair off his face and smiled at him.
“Yes. She can go and swing before me. She likes swinging.” He smiled at his mom, proud that he could do something he knew his mommy would like.
“Okay. Now go and get changed. We are going to the playground in a while.”
“Yaay!” Aden yelled and quickly pecked Lexa's cheek before running off to his bedroom so he could change into the clothes that Clarke had prepared for him. The brunette washed the dishes after finishing her breakfast and went into the living room to find Clarke still on the phone. She looked at the blonde and smiled a little. Clarke was drawing something on a white paper while she was talking to Octavia. She always did that. Lexa studied her face. She noticed the wrinkle between her eyebrows whenever Octavia said something confusing or the way her tongue would stick out when she wanted to focus on a detail of her drawing. Then her eyes locked with Clarke's. She watched as the blonde's cheeks became a little pink. Lexa smirked at her and mouthed that she was going to get changed and check up on Aden. Clarke only nodded.
“Are you ready buddy?” Lexa asked when she came into Aden's room. He was sitting on his bed with a t-shirt in his hands.
“I don't want this t-shirt,” He looked at Lexa and threw the t-shirt on the floor.
“First of all don't throw your clothes. Secondly… Why?” She picked up the piece of clothing off the floor and put it in the drawer.
“Ontari doesn't like dinosaurs.” So that was what it was all about. He wanted to impress a girl. Lexa just chuckled and knelt in front of her son.
“Okay… then what is it that she likes?” It was his first crush. She wanted to help him.
“I don't know.” He said and lowered his head. That's when Clarke entered the room.
“What's happening here? Why aren't you dressed?” She looked at Aden and then at Lexa.
“Girl crush problem.” When Clarke frowned Lexa went to elaborate. “Apparently Ontari doesn't like dinosaurs so he wants to change his shirt.”
“Oh I see… And what does Ontari like?” She went to one of the drawers and looked for a good t-shirt. “What about a superman shirt?” She looked at the little boy who just shook his head. “Okay… Maybe batman?” Aden once again shook his head.
“This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” Lexa laughed a little and picked up her son. She went to the drawer and stood next to Clarke. “What about this one?” Lexa pointed to a t-shirt with two swords on it and the word 'commander' under the swords.
“You said yesterday that she likes battles.” Clarke looked at Aden who just smiled and nodded. “Then we have a winner.” She put out the t-shirt and handed it over to Lexa. “I'll just go and fix my hair and then we can go.”
Half an hour later the three of them were on the playground. Aden spotted Ontari right away and Clarke started to wonder if her son wanted to come here just because he knew that the little girl would be there. Clarke and Lexa were sitting on one of the benches watching Aden. The little boy came closer to Ontari and they both started to play in the sandpit. They were laughing and having a really good time. At some point one of the kids threw some sand at Ontari. The little girl started crying but Aden told her it was okay and helped her to get the sand off her clothes. Ontari stopped crying and looked at Aden. It was clear that the little girl was thinking about something. A moment later the little girl leaned and pecked Aden's cheek. Both kids were blushing but Aden only smiled widely. When Lexa saw that she chuckled a bit and said to herself 'smooth Aden'. Clarke smiled when she heard that. They didn't talk. In fact Clarke still didn't know how to act around Lexa. She knew that the brunette was still mad. It couldn't go away over one night. Yes, they had a little moment yesterday but it didn't mean that everything was okay. She wanted to give Lexa some time. Some distance. Which was ironic because distance was the reason they were in this in the first place. She didn't know that Lexa wanted to be close to her. She didn't need time. She needed an honest conversation to fully understand all of it. She needed to tell Clarke how she had been feeling for the past three days. She needed to hold the blonde in her arms and tell her it was going to be okay. That they could get through this. Together. As a couple. As a family. After a couple of minutes Clarke felt a warm hand on her own. She instantly looked down only to see Lexa's hand on her own. She raised her head to look at Lexa in the eyes. Clarke raised her eyebrow in confusion but Lexa only smiled genuinely and intertwined their fingers together. She decided not to question the sudden display of affection and just enjoy the moment.
Lexa didn't know why she did what she did but she was happy the blonde hadn't rejected it. She knew that Clarke was trying not to cross any lines. She knew that Clarke was trying to respect her decision and give her time. But Clarke was distant. And Lexa didn't want that. If they wanted to fix their relationship they needed to act like it. They hadn't broken up for Christ sake. In this moment Lexa felt Clarke's thumb brush over her hand. She smiled and looked at Clarke. The blonde smiled as well and pointed towards the swings. Lexa just nodded. They stood up and went to the swings. Clarke liked talking while she was swinging. It calmed her down a little bit. They were watching over Aden again when Clarke spoke up.
“I've been going to therapy for the past six months. I had a therapist in Africa. For the last three weeks I've been going to therapy here too, in Polis Mental Facility. I wanted to get better before coming back. I wanted to deal with all the uncertainties, sadness, loss. I didn't want to be a burden for you. I didn't want to ruin everything we built during all these years. I wanted to be stronger for you, for him.” She looked at Aden and smiled lightly. “I didn't want you to feel miserable because of me. I couldn't bare seeing you unhappy. When my dad died I know I was the shadow of the person I used to be. You've always wanted to help me and I treated you like crap and for that I am deeply sorry. But Lex I'm trying. I'm really trying. I love you both so much.” The blonde looked at Lexa. She knew they were supposed to talk about it later but she wanted her to know that she wanted to fight for them. But before Lexa could answer Aden ran to them.
“I want to go to the slide… Mom please?” He knew that he was not allowed to go to the slide alone because he was too little so he hoped that his mom would go with him.
"You're not playing with Ontari?" Lexa asked looking at her son.
"No. She went home already. So can we go to slide?" He pleaded again. Lexa looked at Clarke and mouthed a 'sorry' before taking Aden's hand and going with him to the slide. Clarke watching as they interacted with each other. She took a couple of photos. For example the moment when Lexa smiled happily at her son or the moment when Aden stretched out his hands toward her because he was a bit scared. Or the moment when Lexa sat on top of the slide with Aden on her lap and slid down. It was the kind of happy moments that they all needed. They spent a good two hours at the playground. And they didn't talk about it anymore. They decided to wait until they were alone.
They spent the afternoon on the couch. Aden was playing with his action figures on Clarke's lap. Lexa was sitting next to the blonde with a cup of hot coffee in her hands.The TV was on and some cartoons were on the screen. They regularly spent lazy afternoons before Clarke went away. They just enjoyed each other's company.
“Mommy when can I go to aunty O's?” He looked at Clarke and then at Lexa.
“Later baby. Aunty O is still at work. She'll pick you up on her way back.” Lexa answered and set down her coffee on the table.
“Play with me mom.” He jumped off Clarke's laps and ran off to get his truck and blocks. When he turned around to look at Lexa he pointed at the floor. “You need to sit on the floor. Mommy you too.”
“Me? Why?” She looked at Aden curiously.
“Because you will be building a castle with mom. And I will bring you blocks with my super truck. And then you mommy are the princess...”
“Will be.” Clarke corrected his son. “You should say 'you will be the princess'.” She smiled at him.
“You will be the princess and mom will be the knight and I will be the very scary dragon. She needs to rescue you. Okay?” He smiled adorably. Clarke laughed a bit and Lexa just nodded. Aden once again took off but this time to his room. He came back with a plastic sword and gave it to Lexa.
“Here. You can't be a knight without a sword.”
“Thank you kiddo.” Lexa kissed his head and that was how it started. Lexa and Clarke build the castle with the blocks that Aden had brought them. When the castle was ready Clarke kneeled behind it, pretending to be a princess in a castle. Lexa and Aden were fighting in the center of the living room.
“I am a dangerous dragon. Roar!!!” Aden was coming at Lexa with his hands in the air pretending to attack her. After a moment he turned to Clarke. “Mommy you need to call for help. This is what princesses do in stories.” Lexa only laughed and looked at Clarke.
“Yes Clarke. You need to call for help.” She looked at the blonde and smirked. Clarke only glared at her and rolled her eyes.
“Help, help. My knight please rescue me.” Clarke pretended and smiled when she saw Aden nodding in approval. Aden came closer to Lexa and took her sword.
“I burned your sword. Now you have to fight without it.” He said with a huge toothy grin on his face.
“In that case…” She smiled and brought him down to the ground before tickling him. Aden burst into laughter.
“Mom no… you can't… ple.. please” He laughed so hard and Clarke's heart only melted when she saw the scene in front of her. “Mommy… help.” He called.
“Mommy can't help you. You need to admit that the dragon is defeated.” Lexa told her son and continued to tickle him.
“Okay… okay… You win mom.” When she stopped tickling him Aden looked at Clarke and then at Lexa. “So now you need to kiss her.” Clarke's eyes went wide when she heard that. When she looked at Lexa the brunette looked just as surprised with his words.
“Buddy it's okay. Mom won and she doesn't need to do that.”
“She needs. When the knight saves the princess they always kiss at the end.” He insisted. Lexa just smiled. She hadn't felt those lips on hers in a very long time. She would be stupid if she said that she wasn't attracted to the blonde. Anyway what's a big deal. It was just a kiss.
Well… that what was what she thought. Nothing had prepared her for what the kiss would bring.