This last time.
2 hours had passed since Octavia had brought Aden to her apartment. 2 hours of deafening silence. The only sound in the whole house was the burning wood in the fireplace. Blue was meeting green every ten seconds. No one dared to speak. The fear of breaking the silence was too much. Or maybe it was the fear of a possible end. Neither of them knew which one it was. Clarke started to play with her ring on her finger. Green eyes were staring at every movement. The only thoughts in Lexa's mind were: How did we end up here? Is that how the end looks like? Do I want it to be the end? And just like that the hands Lexa precisely watched were no longer there. The weight on the other side of the couch disappeared. The echo of the steps getting further and further became unbearable. Just like that her life was slowly slipping away. The life she had been trying so hard to build. In moments like this her mind was occupied with only one question. Is it my fault? After 5 long minutes Clarke came back with an envelope in her hand. Without any unnecessary words she gave it to Lexa. The brunette looked at Clarke confused. She looked for an explanation in her eyes but the only thing she found was a pleading look. Green eyes fell on the envelope.
19.07.2016
To Lexa Woods
This date… It was almost a year ago. Lexa looked again at Clarke and she was about to say something when the blonde just shook her head. Her eyes were saying: Just read. With shaking hands Lexa carefully opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper. She unfolded it and started reading.
Dear Lexa,
I'm sitting here in this empty room and crying. I'm writing this letter for the 10th time I think. I lost counting after 8th. Something happened and I don't know how to tell you.
But here I am… trying to… Yeah, trying to what? Give you the worst news in the world in a nice way? Tell you something that will destroy you in a heartbeat and being on the other side of the globe? I can't do that to you. I can't ruin you like that. You deserve so much more than this.
I remember when I told you that I was pregnant with Aden. You were scared like hell when you heard that. You never showed that or said anything but I knew. I could see it in your eyes. You were scared of what the future could bring us when the baby would be born. You were scared that you not gonna be a good parent. You were scared of having family. But it only took you ten minutes to snap out of the shock and the smile you had on your face…. God that smile… It was everything. I've never seen you so happy in your entire life.
Now I can't tell you I AM pregnant. I can't tell you WE ARE GONNA HAVE a baby. I can't tell you THANK YOU for making me happy again or THANK YOU for giving me the chance to have bigger family. I can't tell you any of these things.
I can't tell you any of these things because…
I WAS pregnant. We HAD a baby. And I'm SORRY I can't make you happy again and I'm SORRY for taking the chance to have bigger family away.
I know you're not gonna hate me for losing our child. I know you're not gonna stop loving me when you find out. I know you're not gonna think that this is my fault. And I know that when you're gonna find out about it you would want to come here and you're not gonna be able to. You would want to help me and you're not gonna be able to do that either. And I know you're gonna hate yourself for that. You're gonna hate yourself for not being with me and support me. You're gonna hate yourself for not being able to help me go to through that. You're gonna hate yourself because you're going to think that you are failing me in some kind of way. Because you're going to think that you're not good enough as a partner. And I can't let that happen. I can't let you to hate yourself. You are this selfless, caring, understanding, beautiful and incredible person. You are such an amazing mother. You deserve so much more than this.
So I'm not going to send you that letter. I'm choosing not to tell you this. I'd rather you hating me for not telling you than you hating yourself for doing something what is out of your control. I'm choosing my pain if it can protect you from yours. I'm choosing your happiness over my own.
I know that this is secret that I should not have kept. I can only hope that you'll forgive me one day. You can't imagine how sorry I am. And even though it doesn't seems like that I love you. And no matter what happens between us in the future I will love you forever.
Yours,
Clarke.
Lexa read this twice and now she was just looking at the paper in her hand. She was quiet. The silence between them was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Clarke didn’t know what to think. Now she didn’t know if showing Lexa the letter was a good idea. Maybe she shouldn’t have done it. When Lexa finally directed her gaze at Clarke the blonde froze. In Lexa’s eyes she could see hurt, regret and anger.
“You think that if you give me that letter and I read it we are going to be okay? That I’ll forget about everything?” Lexa’s voice was quiet, cold.
“What? No… Of course not. Lexa I know I fucked up. But I want you to understand me too.” Clarke was looking pleadingly in those green eyes.
“Three months… We were supposed to get married in three months.” Lexa said and Clarke noticed the past tense Lexa had used in that sentence. When she heard it her heart broke inside of her chest. In that moment she knew everything she needed to know.
“Just say it Lex. I won’t be mad. Just… Just say it.” The blonde didn’t want to argue with Lexa. Yes, they had agreed to talk and make some kind of decision. Together. But she didn’t want to force anything on Lexa. If she had doubts or she wasn’t sure anymore then Clarke didn’t want for Lexa to stay with her out of obligation. She loved her enough to know when to let go. After all she was the one to blame when the worst would come.
“I think we should postpone the wedding.” Lexa said quietly. The brunette was avoiding Clarke’s eyes. She was looking at everything but Clarke. She couldn’t bear to see that look of hurt in Clarke’s eyes. She knew she had probably hurt Clarke right now. But she wasn’t sure about anything. She loved her as much as she could but sometimes feelings weren’t enough. Lexa still refused to look at Clarke in the eyes. She was scared of what she might see in them.
Clarke felt the tears gathering in her eyes. But she needed to be strong. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of Lexa. She refused to do it. She had worked so much to get to this point. To know how to deal with her emotions. Not to shut herself out again. Clarke only nodded at Lexa’s words. This wasn’t what she wanted. But she couldn’t do anything right now.
She looked at the ring that was on her finger. She kept staring at it for what felt like forever. And while staring at that ring she made a decision. It was the moment when Lexa finally looked at her. And the action in front of her was one of the most painful things she had ever seen. Clarke took off the ring from her finger and put it on the table.
“What are you doing?” Lexa watched with horror in her eyes. She didn’t know what was happening. She hadn’t canceled their engagement. So why did it feel like it was over? Why did it feet like the end of their relationship?
“This is me giving you the time you clearly need.” Clarke looked at Lexa. She looked right into her eyes and smiled slightly. But that smile wasn’t surprising for Lexa. What was surprising for her was what she saw in Clarke’s blue eyes. It wasn’t hurt, sadness or anger as she had previously assumed. What she saw in those eyes was love and understanding. She was about to say something when Clarke spoke again.
“ I know that you feel betrayed and disappointed. Because I hurt you in the worst way possible. Eleven months ago something horrible happened and I made a decision. I lied to you and I know you don’t trust me now. And I don’t blame you. I didn’t give you that letter to justify myself. Because there is no justification for my action. I made a decision and I know it was the worst decision I could have ever made. And for that I am deeply sorry. I should have told you right away. I should have let you help me. Like you are always trying to do. After my dad died you tried to protect me from self-destruction and from all the bad feelings I had back then. I was so wrapped in myself, in my own grief that I forgot that he was like a father to you as well. I forgot that his death hurt you too. I forgot that he was also your family. I was so mean to you. I was taking everything out on you. It wasn’t fair. And I know that now. But you didn’t care about it. You didn’t care about it at all because you wanted to help me and because you wanted me to be happy again. You were so good to me. You still are. You’ve always put everyone before yourself. It is the best and the worst thing about you. And Lexa I love you for that. My love for you is strong enough not to let you destroy yourself because of my mistakes. This is the time when you need to be selfish baby. This is the time when you need to deal with everything and figure everything out on your own. It was your child too. This is the time when you can grief because I was the one who took you that right before. So this is for you.” Clarke pointed at the ring. “ You’ll give me that ring when you’re be ready. You’ll give me that ring when you trust me again. You’ll give me that ring when you are sure. Also you need to know that I won’t be angry nor mad if those things don’t happen. I’ll be here whatever you decide. I love you baby.”
Tears were falling down Lexa’s cheeks. Clarke smiled genuinely and took Lexa’s face in her hands. She wiped her tears with her thumbs. She didn’t want Lexa to cry. But at the same time she wanted her to let go of everything, to throw all of those emotions away. Clarke knew that bottling everything inside wasn’t good. She didn’t want that for Lexa.
Lexa was looking into these ocean blue eyes. What she felt right now was mostly pain. She didn’t want this relationship to come to an end. She loved Clarke so much but at the same time she had so many thoughts, doubts. So many questions about what she was truly feeling. She couldn’t understand how this loss could hurt that much. How just the knowledge of something she hadn’t even had could hurt like that. But also she was grateful to Clarke for giving her time to figure everything out.
They were looking into each others’ eyes for quite some time. Lexa didn’t have any more tears to cry. Clarke didn’t have anything more to say. It was silent again. But this time it wasn’t uncomfortable. This time their silence was saying more than they could have ever said. Lexa didn’t know why she was doing what she was doing but she leaned and connected their lips together. The kiss was surprising for both of them. But not unwelcome. Clarke hooked her hands behind Lexa’s neck and pulled her closer. The kiss contained everything they tried to say to each other. It contained love, hurt, sadness, grief, anger, understanding, regret. All of it was there. But there was more. The way Lexa touched Clarke’s cheeks, the shaking of her hands when she cupped her face. The touch was gentle. Like she was afraid the blonde would disappear any minute. Like she was afraid that Clarke was not real. On the other hand there was Clarke. Clarke, who was pulling Lexa as close as she could. Her other arm was around the brunette’s waist. Every touch represented just how much they were missing each other.
Lexa pushed Clarke a bit so she was laying on the couch. Lexa was above her. One hand still attached to her cheek and she was caressing the delicate skin with her thumb. The other hand was sliding on her side. The brunette started to kiss Clarke’s neck. Every kiss was delicate, tender and loving. When she got to her pulse point she bit her and soothed it with her tongue.
“Lexa…” Clarke whispered and bit her bottom lip trying to suppress a moan. It had almost been a year since she had last felt those lips on her skin. But should they be doing it? Probably not.
“Clarke please… this last time.” Lexa looked at the blonde with a silent plea in her eyes. “I’ve missed you.” Clarke was long lost the minute she looked at those now dark green eyes filled with adoration.
“Take me to our bedroom.” She claimed Lexa’s lips again and kissed her with passion. Clarke licked Lexa’s bottom lip and the brunette immediately granted her access. The kiss became more and more hungry, needy.
Lexa put her hands under Clarke’s thighs and lifted her off of the couch. Without breaking the kiss she took her to their bedroom. Just like Clarke wanted, but was it still was their bedroom? For this night it was. The brunette laid her on the bed and climbed on top of the blonde. She was resting on her elbows and forearms. Lexa kissed her again and again and again. Her other hand slipped under Clarke’s shirt. Her fingertips lightly grazing the soft skin on her stomach and ribcage. Those fingertips were sliding higher and higher. With one smooth movement she rid Clarke of her shirt and tossed it somewhere on the floor. Lexa started kissing Clarke’s neck again but this time harsher. She was biting, grazing with her teeth, sucking. Her hand traveled back down to her breast. She unclasped her bra and threw it next to the shirt. Lexa rolled her hips against Clarke’s. And Clarke didn’t stop the sounds that were coming out of her mouth. With every thrust Clarke became more and more wet. As if it was possible to get this wet. On the other hand it had been a while. And Clarke wanted this to happen. Needed that to happen. Even if it was supposed to be their last time. Lexa shifted her kisses onto Clarke’s breast. She took one nipple in her mouth and started to lick and bite and suck. Her free hand was massaging her other breast.
“Oh God… Lex…” Clarke’s breathing sped up. She put her hand in Lexa’s hair and pulled her closer. The movement Lexa was doing with her tongue and her mouth increased Clarke’s need to feel skin-to-skin contact. So the blonde lifted Lexa’s shirt and discarded it to the floor. Lexa’s bra joined the shirt not so long after. The same happened with the rest of Lexa’s clothes. After their clothes were laying somewhere other than theirs bodies Lexa started to trail a path with her fingers along Clarke’s smooth skin. Starting from her cheek down her neck, breasts, stomach, her inner thighs and center. At the same time Lexa was kissing her neck, biting it in some places, sucking on her pulse point. Lexa knew exactly what her girlfriend’s weak spots were. And she planned on using that knowledge to her advantage.
Every touch, every flick of Lexa’s tongue on her neck, every movement Lexa made threw Clarke on the edge of pleasure. Clarke was shivering under Lexa’s body. It had been so long since they were together, body pressed against the other’s body and she knew that if Lexa’s fingers reached their destination it would be game over for her. Clarke had her hands on Lexa’s back. Nails lightly scratching her tanned skin. She could feel Lexa grinding into her. Her hips moved forward to meet Lexa’s. She couldn’t believe how wet she was. Was it even possible to be that wet? Apparently it was.
Clarke felt Lexa’s hips backing away. She was about to protest when Lexa’s fingers ran through her folds. Lexa could hear the loud moan that came out of Clarke’s throat. Lexa could have kept on hearing that sound over and over again. At this point Lexa was so hard. But she wanted to focus on Clarke. They had all night. They had time. She didn’t need to rush anything. Lexa dipped her finger into Clarke’s wetness and went up to her clit. She started to rub slow circles. But with Clarke’s every moan her pace sped up.
“Fuck…. Lex, oh God….” Lexa loved when Clarke was being vocal. She loved to hear how good she made Clarke feel.
Lexa kissed down her body. She moved her fingers and smirked when she felt Clarke’s hips chasing her to feel more friction. But very quickly her tongue replaced her fingers. At first her tongue was slow, very sensual. She traced her fingers through Clarke’s folds again but this time she slid one of them into Clarke and pushed another one a few seconds later. She went easy at first, steady rhythm. Not too slow and not too fast. Clarke’s hand was gone in that brown hair getting Lexa closer to her.
“Jesus…. Lexa ple-please…. Don’t you fu-fucking stop….” Clarke’s moans were getting louder and louder.
Lexa started gently sucking that sensitive bud. Her tongue licked, swirled over her clit. Her fingers curled inside of her and she increased her speed. She added a third finger and it was the moment when Clarke couldn’t hold back much longer.
“Fuuuuck! Lexa I’m gonna…. Oh my God….” Her thighs started to shake, muscles tightening, her walls were clenching around Lexa’s fingers as an orgasm washed over her body. She came hard. Screaming Lexa’s name over and over again. Lexa helped her ride down her orgasm and return with her kisses to the blonde’s mouth. After a couple of minutes Clarke looked into those green eyes trying to catch her breath. “Lex… Just give me a sec.” She whispered and stared at Lexa’s beautiful face.
“Shhhh…. I’m not done with you yet.”