I'm sorry
Clarke sat in the car outside the house. She knew that today her relationship would either be stronger or fall apart. There was no easy way to do it. Even if today they would break up Clarke was ready to fight for this family. From this day she would put her family first. Nothing would be more important. She looked at her hand where was the ring. She smiled slightly when the memories flooded her mind.
2 years earlier.
It was a perfect day for a barbecue. Lexa had been planning this for three weeks now. This was the day when she would do it. Everybody started to gather. The had invited Abby, Raven, Anya, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy and his wife Gina. They always brought their son Tucker with them so Aden had someone to play with. Lexa was sitting in the kitchen. Clarke was talking with Bellamy and Lincoln outside. Octavia came over to Lexa and poked her in the side.
“When are you planning to do this?” Lexa turned her head in O's direction.
“After we eat.” She smiled a little. “Why am I so nervous? I'm never nervous.”
“You are going to ask Clarke to marry you. I think everyone would be nervous if they were you.” The shorter brunette chuckled. “Show me the ring.”
Lexa took the little box out from her pocket and opened it to show to Octavia the ring. In this moment Raven came into the room. She stood behind Octavia and smiled widely.
"It's beautiful."
“Is it time Woods?” Lexa shook her head. “Come on. What are you waiting for? You have your perfect woman right there. Go there and kneel in front of her and ask her this damn question.”
“I agree… Don't wait. This is your perfect moment.”
“Okay. I'm doing it.” Lexa closed the box and with O and Raven went to the garden.
“Good luck Woods.”
When she was in the garden again she hid the box behind her back. She was relieved that Clarke stood with her back to Lexa. Everyone could see how nervous Lexa was. Abby asked Raven if that was it and she nodded her head. Everyone knew what Lexa was about to do. Everyone but Clarke. When Lexa stood beside Clarke she took a deep breath which caused the blonde to turn around.
“What's going on?” Clarke asked confused. Everyone was silent and watched the two of them. Even Aden and Tuck stopped playing and stood beside Abby and Raven.
“Clarke I met you on a parking lot in front of a supermarket. You were so pissed at me for taking your parking spot. I know I was pissed too but you made a big impression. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met. You are kind, caring, funny and very stubborn. You always put other people before you. I was so lost for all of these years and when I met you I finally found myself. It was like I was whole again. You made me whole again. You gave me joy, happiness, love, safety. You gave me our beautiful son. And for that I am grateful. You are love of my life, my soulmate, my air. I can't imagine my life without you.” In that moment Lexa knelt before Clarke and opened the little box. Clarke was crying at this point. “Clarke Abigail Griffin would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Every pair of eyes was directed to Clarke.
“Yes!” But that wasn't Clarke's voice. Aden yelled the answer instead his mother. But he didn't know what Lexa really was asking Clarke. The brunette started chuckling and everybody started laughing. Clarke also knelt and looked in those green eyes. She smiled widely.
“I think he gave you the best answer.” The blonde kissed Lexa and everybody started cheering. Lexa put the ring on Clarke's finger. Soon the blonde became her wife. And she couldn't be happier about it.
That was it. That was this moment. There was no turning back. Clarke get out of the car and walked to the door. She had a key but she didn't want to come inside without them knowing that she was home. So she knocked. She waited for a couple of minutes hearing some noise inside the house. When the door opened it revealed those green eyes she had been dreaming about for the entire year. Those green eyes she was craving for. But they were different. There was no love and joy with those eyes. Instead there was shock, fear and disbelief.
“Hey.” Clarke tried to break this silence. It wasn't a comfortable silence but rather an uneasy one. She didn't know what to expect. She was slightly terrified.
“Clarke...” Lexa's voice was so quiet. The brunette couldn't believe what she was seeing. Was Clarke really here? Was it a dream? Was it real? She was so shocked. She heard footsteps behind her.
“Mommy!” Aden screamed and he threw himself into Clarke's arms. She hugged him tight. Clarke was so happy to see her son. She wanted nothing more than to be with her family. She smiled when she felt tiny hands around her neck. The little boy hid his head in crook of Clarke's neck. He had been waiting for his mother come back for so long. He had missed her so much.
“Hi baby. I missed you so so much.” Clarke didn't want to let her son go out of her arms. She breathed his scent to know that this wasn't another dream. That this was real. “I love you Aden.” She whispered into his ear.
“I love you too mommy.” Aden kissed her mothers cheek and looked at Lexa who was standing behind them and didn't know what to think. “Look mom. Mommy came back” He smiled and nestled in to his mom again. Clarke picked him up.
“I can see that. Come in. It's cold outside. I don't want Aden to get sick.” The brunette stepped aside so Clarke could come inside. She was so confused. Clarke came back. She was home. But what did it mean? Was she coming back for good? Did she come to tell her it's over? Why did she lie? Clarke sat on the couch with Aden on her lap. They hugged each other for a couple more minutes.
“Okay kiddo. It's getting pretty late and you need to go to sleep.” Clarke said and stroked his head. She smiled at him.
“I don't want to go to sleep. I want to stay with you.” The little boy yawned and rubbed his eyes with his tiny hands.
“You are sleepy and I promise you that tomorrow we get to spend the whole day together.” She kissed him and looked at Lexa. She knew that her coming back was sudden but she wanted to be here. With him. With them.
“Can you read me a story? Please mommy.” He looked at her with this pleading eyes. Clarke nodded and went with him to his bedroom. While Clarke put Aden to bed Lexa sat in the living room dumbfounded. It was not the reunion she was expecting. The anger started to built in Lexa. Was the blonde serious? When Clarke returned to the living room Lexa clenched and unclenched her fists. Clarke knew the brunette was furious and honestly? She didn't blame her. She had every right to be mad at her. Clarke stood and waited for Lexa's rage.
“What the fuck is this Clarke? Are you serious? You came here like nothing happened?” Lexa tried not to yelled. She didn't want to wake Aden up. She knew she had to be quiet. In those green eyes Clarke could only see anger and hurt.
“I know that you're mad...”
“Mad? No… I'm not mad. I'm furious right now.” Lexa was looking directly in her blue eyes. Blue eyes she loved a few weeks ago. But now… the only thing she felt was hurt and pain. “You said you had to stay there for another six months. And then I heard that you were in the country. And not from you. You were lying to me for almost a month! And you think I'm only mad at you?”
“Lexa I'm sorry.” Clarke had never seen the brunette like this. She would have never thought that Lexa could be that upset. She knew she deserved it.
“You're sorry?” Lexa laughed. She didn't know why it was so funny for her. But she laughed. When she had gathered her composure she looked again at Clarke. “I don't even know why are you sorry? You're sorry for leaving us? Hmmm? Or maybe for lying to me? Or maybe for breaking promises to Aden? Or maybe for making choices by yourself? Or maybe for throwing our live away?”
“For all of it. I've never meant to hurt you like that.” Clarke voice was quiet. It betrayed tears which were behind her eyes threatening to fall.
“Save it Clarke. Your apology means nothing to me.” Clarke saw how Lexa's knuckles became white. Her fists were clenched so strong. She watched as Lexa's eyes closed. She watched how deeply she breathed. She knew that Lexa was on edge. “Why?” Lexa's voice was somewhat calmer. She still had her eyes closed.
“I've never even wanted to go on that tour.” Tears fell freely down on her cheeks. Her voice was shaky. “I've never wanted to leave you. I wanted to stay.”
“Then why you didn't? Why did you go?” Lexa couldn't look at Clarke right now. She knew that if she opened her eyes she would be on the edge again. And she couldn't loose her composure.
“Because you've talked about it for weeks. You said that it would help. That I could heal there. I knew you were unhappy. I saw how you looked at me. With pity in your eyes. I was so done watching how miserable I made you feel. You've tried to help me. But I didn't let you. I shut you down. So I decided to go.” The blonde wiped her tears and sat on the couch.
“So it is my fault? That's what you're trying to say?” The brunette could feel how anger built within her again.
“No. It wasn't your fault. It was mine. I take full responsibility for what happened. I'm the one to blame.” She didn't blame Lexa for making her go. It was eventually her choice and not the brunette's.
“So if you felt bad there. If it didn't help you then why didn't you come back? Why did you tell me that you had to stay there? Why did you make me believe that we're not enough for you? Why did you make me believe that you don't love us anymore?” Lexa slowly opened her eyes. She looked at Clarke but the blonde wasn't looking at her. Clarke avoided looking into Lexa's eyes because she was ashamed.
“I thought about coming home earlier more times that I can count. But I couldn't go home because I had signed the contract. You know I couldn't break it.” Her voice was weak. She couldn't bear to look at Lexa. She was afraid of what she would find in those eyes she loved.
“You could have come back when your tour ended. But you didn't. You chose not to come home.”
“I was afraid you'd hate me. That you wouldn't forgive me. I still am.”
“Forgive you for what?” Lexa looked at her in disbelief. Did she…? No.. Clarke would never. “Did you cheat on me? That's why you're so afraid?”
“God no… Lexa no. I could never cheat on you. No, it's not that.”
“Then what did you do Clarke? What could possibly be worse than this?”
“When we arrived there everything was good. I helped a lot of people. It made me feel good, useful. You were right. I started to get better. I wanted to take care of a lot of people, I wanted to help almost everyone. And like always I started to eat less. I slept one hour a day if I was lucky. I was so caught up in work that I didn't pay attention to my own health. Remember when you told me to slow down a bit? To get checked?” She looked at Lexa who nodded. The brunette was quietly waiting.
1 year ago
It was the first moment when Clarke could take a breath, get some rest. She had been on her feet for 3 whole days. She hadn't slept, she had eaten irregularly. She now sat in front of her laptop waiting for Lexa to pick up. She smiled when the brunette appeared on the screen.
“Hi babe.” She waved to the camera. She missed her so much. It had only been 3 weeks and she already wanted to go back.
“Hey Clarke. Why can't I see you?”
“Wait a minute.” The blonde checked if she had turned her camera on. She sighed when she found out that she had clicked the wrong button. She turned the video on. “Do you see me now?” She saw Lexa frowning her eyebrows. “Babe? What's wrong?”
“Clarke you look terrible.”
“Geez, thanks Lexa. You know how make the girl special.”
“No, I mean… You look so exhausted. When was the last time you slept?” Lexa could see bags under Clarke's eyes.
“Lexa I'm perfectly taking care of myself.” She knew that Lexa didn't approve how much she neglected herself when she was on tour.
“Clarke answer me. When?” Lexa's voice was demanding.
“Sunday. I think.”
“You think? That was three days ago.” Lexa sighed. “And when was the last time you ate?”
“Now? Look baby I'm eating.” Clarke took a granola bar and started eating.
“This is not food. You need to eat a healthy meal.”
“I know, I know.”
“Do you have some time off now?”
“Yeah. That's why I can talk to you. I missed your pretty face.” Clarke smiled widely and looked into her girlfriend's eyes.
“So if you have time go to sleep. We can talk another time.” Clarke was about to say something when Lexa spoke again. “Don't argue with me. You didn't sleep in three days. Go to sleep.”
The next time they talked to each other again was two days later. But this time Clarke looked worse. After the last time the blonde slept for four hours and that was it for the next two days. She was watching Aden picking up his drawing and showing it to the camera. That was the moment when she thought about breaking her contract and coming back to them. She missed her family. She missed her son. They were everything to her.
“It's amazing Aden. I love this drawing.” She smiled at her son and looked at Lexa. Her smile was everything she needed to keep herself together. She hadn't seen that smile in a long time. She heard Raven in the back ground and Aden was off when he saw the ice cream that Raven held in her hand. Clarke laughed. “Did he really leave me for ice cream? Thanks Aden. I love you too!” She shook her head and laughed again.
“Everything disappears when he sees ice cream.” Lexa also laughed. She frowned her eyebrows when she saw Clarke's face and after that the blonde threw up into the trash can. “Clarke everything okay?”
“Yeah. I ate something earlier and I think that it wasn't as fresh as it seemed. I'll be okay.”
“You sure? You have a lot of doctors there. Please for my sake go and get a check up.”
“Okay. But later. I want to talk to you first. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
The truth is… Clarke never got a check up. The nausea was gone after two days. She took some pills for food poisoning. She neglected the whole problem. Until… Clarke was operating on one of the kids whom she treated. She was half way through it. When she was about to make that final cut she bent in half. She felt a piercing pain in her stomach. The scalpel fell out of her hand. She didn't know what was going on. Another wave of pain and Clarke couldn't handle it. She let out a scream. She needed to hold onto something so she wouldn't fall. And then she felt warm liquid flowing down her legs. She looked down and saw… blood. There was blood flowing down her legs and her surgery pants was covered in it. There was so much blood. Few second later Clarke was laying on the floor unconscious.
“I didn't know Lexa. I am a doctor and I didn't see it earlier. If I had listened to you none of this was have happened. I lost it and it's all my fault.” At this point Clarke broke. She was crying and couldn't catch her breath. She hid her face in her hands. She couldn't look at Lexa.
“What did you loose Clarke?” Lexa's voice was quiet but still firm.
“I'm sorry Lexa. He died because I didn't pay attention. I was supposed to see those signals earlier.”
“Tell me you're not talking about what I think you're talking about?” Lexa sat there and looked at the broken blonde. She hoped that what she had in mind was untrue. She didn't want to hear the answer.
“I killed our baby.”
This sentence caused Lexa's whole world to crash down. Clarke's voice repeating “I'm sorry” over and over again began to fade. She could only hear her own heart beating. Clarke had been pregnant. She had a baby and she lost it. Because she didn't want do some stupid tests? She lost their baby. Lexa shut her eyes. She wanted to break something. She had never been so angry before. How many times had she asked her to check everything out? She couldn't look at Clarke because all she saw was disgust and fault and hurt. It was almost 11 months ago and she hadn't told her. Clarke took this piece of information from her. It was her child too. She didn't get to mourn her unborn child. Warm hands on her own brought her back to reality.
“Lexa please say something.” Clarke flinched when Lexa pulled away from her. When Lexa opened her eyes again there was nothing in them. She couldn't see anything. Her stare was so cold.
“Get out.”