Motherly Love
Clarke stared up at the buzzing fluorescent lights in medical with a distinct feeling of déjà vu. The greatest difference on this occasion however, was the overwhelming pain she was experiencing.
Her back was throbbing. Her face was laced with sweat. She wasn't sure she had ever felt this drained before. She'd tried to climb out of the bed but she hadn't even been able to sit up an inch. She despised being stuck inside when a war was actually raging just outside the doors. Lexa, her friends...they were all risking their lives while she was lying on her back.
The horns had blared the sound of peace now a while later, but she was sure at first it had been a trick of the mind. Her mother was still bent over her and whispering something to a concerned looking Jasper. Clarke could have smiled at how grim he looked- it was better than hate at any rate- but she found that task demanded more energy than she could spare.
'Where's she gone?' Clarke croaked when the doors of medical banged close.
Jasper stepped forward and looked down at her. Clarke suddenly regretted ever wishing to banish hatred from his eyes when it had been replaced by pity.
'She'll be back in a minute.' Jasper answered.
Clarke looked away from him and returned to staring at the light, despite how it made her eyes ache. If her mother needed a moment then it was bad. She'd worked in medical enough times with her. Her mother would always disappear to her office for several moments and return out fresh faced ready to deliver the bad news.
'Is everyone - is anyone-'
'We're all fine.' Jasper replied. 'Jaha's dead and some of the others are missing but we can talk about that later.'
Clarke swallowed the words. She didn't want to think how anyone could be missing after such a contained battle. Her mind couldn't care for that now, there was just one question. Jasper had said they were all okay, their people...
'Le-the Commander...'
Clarke's words were lost as there was a dull creak and the doors opened again. Clarke swung her head around and finally managed a smile at the sight of Lexa. She looked as regal as ever, but under the war paint Clark could see the concern that was burrowed into her features. It was hard to imagine that Lexa had just fought in a war. She was so self contained. Clarke felt like a mess half of the time but whatever this life gave Lexa, it never seemed to weaken her. Yet, Clarke had never felt so weak in her life.
Clarke tried in vain to sit up again but she gave a weak gasp and had to admit defeat when her body refused to comply. Lexa instantly drew up alongside the bed, with Jasper stepping back to give them space. Clarke's hand reached for Lexa's and she laced their fingers together. Lexa looked down at her and offered a reassuring smile: she was here, alive and whole. She had survived the war and the threat of Skaikru was finished. They finally had their peace.
'I'll leave you guys to it.' Jasper said, breaking the moment slightly and Abby nodded her head solemnly as he stepped outside.
Her mother's eyes lingered upon their intertwined fingers before her eyes flicked to Clarke's, her expression bitter.
'What is it?'
Her voice was tight as she tried to hold onto her composure. If this was going to be bad news then she wanted it over with. She was used to rushing into battle. If she knew the problem then she could begin to fix it. Her mother though, would be likely to stall and Clarke did not have time for that.
'Clarke-' Her mother's voice faltered and Clarke took a sharp intake of breath as she saw her mother look around hopelessly.
She felt Lexa's fingers twitch in hers impatiently and she gripped Lexa's hand more tightly.
'Well, I can feel my legs.' Clarke started, working through the problems just like she would if this was on the Ark, 'the damage was at my lower back so...kidneys?'
A single tear rolled down her mother's face and she nodded.
'I'm already drenched in sweat...which could be due to pain or a sign of infection.' Clarke deduced but her mother finally found her voice.
'It's not-it's...' Abbey stepped forward and gripped Clarke's left arm.
At the movement, Clarke's other hand held tighter to Lexa. There was little good that her mother ever brought with her.
'The repeated shocks to your lower back has damaged one of your kidneys.' Abbey said finally.
Clarke nodded slightly, letting the words sink in. She had been tortured repeatedly in the same place. The longest anyone had survived on the Ark had been with fifty eight shock lashes. Clarke had withstood forty. She avoided Lexa's gaze, knowing she had been forced to listen to every second of that encounter.
'That's why we have a spare.' Clarke joked but she felt Lexa's eyes bearing into her and she struggled to hold back tears.
'We could leave it. It's not ruined. There's medication to slow any bleeding and we can hope that may be enough to stop the damage.' Abbey said.
'Or?' Lexa prompted and Clarke did not miss the strained look Abbey gave Lexa.
'Or we could take it out.' Abbey responded, looking to Clarke. 'But there are no antibiotics. Clarke, you'd be exposed to overwhelming risk of infection and with one kidney and no medical support, even if it was successful you might only live another ten or twenty years...if you're lucky.'
Clarke blinked rapidly, until the tears were merciful enough to leave her. She looked to the light again, not wanting to see the worry on her mother's face or the fear on Lexa's.
'So let's get started then.' Clarke said and she was surprised to find her voice was quite steady.
'What?' Her mother said sharply.
Clarke inhaled deeply, stealing herself for a fight and when she turned to her mother it was with a blazing determination in her eyes.
'The surgery to remove my damaged kidney.' Clarke said clearly.
'Clarke, the risks-'
'-are nothing compared to leaving it in.' Clarke spat. 'If the bleeding doesn't stop my blood pressure will continue to drop and I will die. If it does stop, my kidney is still damaged and I already have a fever.'
'Which can be managed!' Abbey argued.
'I will die-not in hours but in days- in agony of an infection.' Clarke replied angrily. 'My body will shut down. Taking out the kidney is the only way.'
'We have medications to manage any infection!' Her mother shouted. 'If your kidney comes out you will be greatly weakened. Your life will be shortened-'
Clarke gave a loud humorless laugh, cutting off her mother until the pain in her back became so great she gave a sharp gasp and violent wince. Lexa stooped over her and stroked her hair as Clarke grimaced in pain. Clarke gave a shuddering breath as the pain slowly began to settle. Clarke met Lexa's green eyes and recognised the grim determination there. It had been the same look she had worn at Mount Weather; but this was in unity. She had accepted Clarke's decision.
Clarke's eyes turned back to her mother.
'How many days have we been on the ground? And how many of us have survived?' Clarke challenged. 'I don't even know if I want to live another twenty years of this life but I do know that any of us will be lucky to make it through the week.'
'Clarke-'
'RAVEN!' Clarke screamed at the top of her lungs and Lexa recoiled in shock.
There was a crash through the door as Raven pushed her way in, with Jasper trailing behind her.
'Get Nyko.' Clarke demanded.
'What are you doing?' Lexa asked, bewildered.
Raven was staring at her completely baffled and Jasper wore a look of a man who knew war was awaiting him.
'Get Nyko and I will give him instructions. He can do it.'
'Clarke,' Abbey sighed, exasperated, 'Nyko isn't qualified.'
'Then you do it!' Clarke shouted stubbornly.
Raven and Jasper traded looks of complete torment, not knowing what to do while Abbey stared at Clarke incredulously.
'It's not the right choice-'
'It's my body! It's my decision!' Clarke shouted fiercely. 'I'm getting this kidney out of me whatever you say, so for once in your life will you be a mother and suck it up!'