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Raven glanced between Clarke and Lexa. Clarke looked weaker than Raven had ever seen her, even when she'd had that damn virus. Lexa's hand was gripping Clarke's and the Commander looked down upon Skaikru's true leader, or at least heir to it.
'Commander,' Raven started and Lexa shot her a glance of surprise; Raven knew they were entirely lost to each other even while Abbey prepared for the surgery, 'I need to speak with you outside.'
Raven heard Clarke murmur that it was okay. Raven turned and stepped out of medical, Lexa followed behind her and when she turned to Lexa she saw that her face was as impassive as ever. It was not encouraging.
'You should let me stay with her.' Raven started and Lexa's eyebrows quicker as though issuing a sort of challenge.
'I've been through this.' Raven explained. 'I needed surgery and I asked Finn to stay...and it broke him.'
'You think I'll commit a massacre?' Lexa challenge quietly.
'I don't know.' Raven snapped. 'You did tie me to a tree and torture me for nothing.'
Lexa's eyes turned to ice. Raven sighed, exasperated.
'I know you're special to Clarke.'
Raven was surprised to find herself fighting a smile when Lexa's head titled for the briefest of seconds but the questioning look had instantly given away to the default mode of the Commander.
'No one knows more than I do that Clarke likes to think she hides her feelings- but she can't.' Raven said, fighting a hundred memories of discovering Clarke and Finn's relationship or the grief and guilt that surrounded Clarke after his death. 'She won't want to put you through it. Trust me, she won't want to see what it does to you. If you stay, she'll regret it forever.'
'She will be unconscious.' Lexa pointed out.
'Abbey doesn't know if it'll be for the whole time or whether the pain will wake her up.' Raven said. 'Clarke could die in surgery, do you really want to watch that?'
'I want to be there for her.'
Lexa showed no wavering but Raven had to make her understand. She owed it to Clarke. How many times had Clarke saved them? She had to at least save Lexa for her.
'That isn't what she needs.'
Lexa blinked slowly and looked back at the doors to medical. Raven was sure she was going to go back inside to see Clarke but Lexa looked back at her and gave a slight nod.
'So this is how I'm there for her?' Lexa asked. 'By letting her do it alone?'
'It wouldn't be the first time.' Raven whispered, but not entirely unkind.
They stared at each other for a long moment. Raven didn't know why she felt sorry for Lexa. It was hard not to resent her; she had finally begun to accept that Finn's death was neither Clarke nor Lexa's fault and then Lexa had abandoned them all at Mount Weather. Raven could still feel the pain of the drill in her hip from when they had stolen her marrow. It haunted her again now that ALIE had lost her control and presence within Raven's mind. Lexa had left them all to die, and Clarke had ended up so broken from the events she had ran away from her people. They would never have stopped searching for her or hoping that she could be found. Raven had watched Abbey fall apart a little more day by day as there was no word of Clarke. Instead, any ideas of talking Clarke round and convincing her she could have a life with her people had been completely shattered. Clarke had returned twice and both times to be arrested and this time she'd been left half dead.
Lexa finally stepped back away from the door, making her decision and Raven gave her a small smile and pushed the door open to medical. She grabbed a stool and pulled it around to the side of Clarke's bed. Abbey was still getting all of the equipment together but Raven knew she would delay starting for as long as she could. They didn't know what came next. It would be a cruel moment when Abbey would finally have to give Clarke the reaper stick.
'Thank you.' Clarke said quietly.
Raven nodded.
'One of these days you'll have to explain how you two happened.' Raven said, perplexed.
'If I ever figure it out...'
Raven watched Clarke breathing heavily. She looked as though she was fishing tears and she was staring up at the ceiling. Raven knew she would be terrified and she was grateful that at least now they have the reaper sticks and Clarke would not have to experience the full pain of surgery.
'Do you love her?' Raven asked quietly and Clarke looked at her in alarm, guilt etched upon her face.
'Raven-'
'It's okay.' Raven said.' 'He'd want you to.'
'I never planned for any of it.' Clarke replied, in a small voice and Raven gave a short laugh.
'Clarke, we fell from space. No one could have planned for any of this.'
'Fair point.' Clarke said, giving her a small smile but she soon turned thoughtful. 'Are you going to tell me where you were?'
Raven furrowed her brow as she looked at Clarke.
'When I came here to see Bellamy...Octavia helped us, Miller and Harper were helping her for a while, Kane and my mother were on our side, Monty was with Bellamy, Jasper was too lost to pay attention to it...but you never came up.'
Raven glanced away from Clarke, knowing what was coming. This was the worst time.
'You always help us but you just vanished.'
Raven looked back to Clarke with a grim expression.
'It won't make much sense.' Raven warned.
'It's not over yet, is it?' Clarke asked grimly.
Raven shook her head slowly.
'Is this why Jackson is missing?' Clarke asked and Raven knew the look she was giving her was enough of a confirmation when Clarke's eyes began to burn with curiosity.
'Clarke,' Raven started warily.
'What?' Clarke asked, with dread.
'How many Nightbloods did Lexa bring with her?'