Chapter 15
The next few days were uneventful, both keeping their distance from the each other. And now it was Saturday night, and Clarke didn’t feel like going out. Andes hadn’t been around all day. She was amazed at the change between them. A change precipitated by Clarke. Now they barely spoke, where before they never stopped talking, sharing what happened during their respective days. The laughing, the flirting, it was all gone now, replaced by coolness. Clarke felt the stirrings of regret, so she decided she should go out and be with her friends.
When she got to the mess hall, things were in full swing. She spotted Raven and Bellamy and headed over to their table. “Hey guys, “
“Hey Clarkie, what’s happening? “ Raven said. Clarke had been a little cool towards her since the incident last week, so it was nice to see her.
“Not much, just thought I would come out and hang with everyone.” She scanned the room and didn’t see Andes at first. Then her eyes went to the dance floor and there she was, dancing with Gomez. A sharp stab of jealousy shot through her heart, and she was totally caught off guard by it. Her pulse started to quicken. She quickly looked away because she didn’t want to catch Andes eye. So much for locked away demons. She took a couple of deep breaths and brought her pounding heart back under control. Echo came over and pulled Bellamy up for a slow dance, leaving Raven and Clarke alone at the table. Clarke couldn’t help but remember her last slow dance. And now she watched Andes holding someone else on the dance floor.
“You ok, Clarke?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You just look a little pale.”
“No, I’m fine,” She said, forcing a smile.
“Yeah, ok. Andes and Gomez look comfy out there.” Raven was baiting her, she was annoyed with the way Clarke was treating Andes, and even though she was Clarke’s best friend, she wasn’t going to give her a free pass on this.
Clarke shrugged her shoulders, “It’s none of my business.”
Raven rolled her eyes, “Ok then.”
When the dance was over, Andes headed over to say hi to Raven, not seeing Clarke next to her until too late. “Hey, you. Two.” She felt trapped, it would look odd if she turned away after coming over, so she just sat down next to them both.
“Hey goddess, looking good as usual.”
“Thank you, I might say the same.” She turned to Clarke then, “Clarke, how are you?”
“Good thanks.” Clarke was in a mood now. There was too much going on in her head and it was making her angry.
Raven was appalled at how things had deteriorated between the two of them. She thought maybe she could shock them out of it, make then realize how stupid they were being. “So,” Raven raised her eyebrows at Andes, “how’s Gomez? You two looked tight out there.”
“Oh, well she asked me to dance. I felt bad because I always turn her down. “ And now she looked at Clarke, who kept her mouth shut, because she didn’t trust what would come out of it.
“Yeah, she’s got the hots for you, has for a while. She’s been waiting to get you in bed since you got here.” Raven said.
Andes looked at Clarke again, “Ah, no, I wouldn’t do that.” Because no matter what, she didn’t want to be with anyone else right now, even with Clarke acting like an ass.
Clarke felt something snap in her brain. The smart play was keeping her mouth shut, she knew this, and she had been exercising so much self control recently, but the words came out before she could stop them, “Go, go sleep with her, I don’t care.”
Andes and Raven stared at Clarke now. Raven instantly regretting the role she played in this escalation of tensions.
Andes voice almost shook now, “Why would I do that?”
Clarke was like a runaway train now, no stopping her. “Why not? She’s attractive, she wants you bad, go ahead, go for it. Enjoy yourself, I don’t care.” She was looking into Andes eyes now, challenging her, and she saw pain, and then she saw anger. And she didn’t like either color. Andes got up from the table and left. They saw her approach Gomez at the bar, whisper into her ear and walk out of the room with her.
“What are you doing?” Raven asked incredulously.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what the hell are you doing? Why did you just send Andes into Gomez’s arms?” Clarke didn’t respond to her question. “Clarke, in case you haven’t noticed, this world that we live in, sucks. It’s hard, it’s dangerous, it’s cruel, and people die, a lot of people die. If there is a sliver of happiness out there, you should grab it and run with it. That girl there, that girl cares about you, and she makes you happy, even though you refuse to admit it. You’ve built your walls and you’re hiding behind them. We’ve all lost people Clarke, all of us. But let me tell you something, if someone is gonna offer me love, I’m taking it. I took it. You have to let yourself feel again Clarke. We don’t have much time down here. It’s time to put Lexa behind you and move forward. She’s not here, she won’t keep you warm at night, she won’t make you laugh, she won’t hold you when you cry, she‘s gone, and I know that stinks, and maybe you think I’m being harsh, but it’s the reality of the situation. There,” pointing in the direction Andes went, “there’s someone who’s alive and well, ready to be everything to you. And you’re gonna let her get away? You’re nuts if you do.” Raven folded her arms across her chest after she finished her tirade.
Clarke just stared at the space behind her head. “Raven, I love you, and you’re my best friend, but don’t tell me how to feel, don’t tell me to put things behind me. I don’t want to, or maybe I’m just not ready to. “ With that she stood up and left the room, leaving Raven just staring after her, shaking her head.
Clarke stomped back to her room, and slammed the door. She paced around the room wildly. She couldn’t sort out her emotions. Raven’s words struck a nerve, and now she felt a crack in that wall, and knew she had to seal it back up. Falling in love with Andes was off the table. She was not going to let that happen, she could not let it happen. It would betray everything she had felt for Lexa. Who cares if she sleeps with someone else? But Clarke knew deep down that she did care.
Andes came into the room a couple hours later. Clarke was sitting in bed drawing in her book, and she didn’t look up when she entered. Andes sat on her bed and stared at Clarke. She was angry still, angry at herself for feeling anything, but mostly angry at Clarke for not feeling. Clarke felt the negative energy from across the room. Without looking up she asked, “Where’ve you been?”
“Where’ve I been?” Andes was dumbfounded that Clarke even had to ask. “I’ve been where you wanted me to be.” Clarke flinched at the anger in her voice, this new voice that she hadn’t heard before. She got up and went to her bookshelf, looking through some books.
“And where’s that?”
Andes huffed, “With Gomez.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“Yes,” Andes main goal right now was to inflict as much pain on Clarke as she had been inflicting on her. She knew she should stop acting like this, but was powerless to stop.
Clarke slowly turned around, “You slept with her?” her face showing disgust.
“Yes, I slept with her. It’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? Isn’t that what you wanted, you practically begged me to sleep with her. Let’s see, what was it you said, oh, yeah, ‘go, go sleep with her, I don’t care.’” Andes knew Clarke felt that one, this time the flinch was visible. Score one for her, how nice, hurting the person you loved.
“I can’t believe you slept with her.” Clarke’s anger was showing now, she wasn’t keeping it inside. “But that’s what you do, isn’t it? Satisfy your needs?”
“Yeah, that’s what I do. You know me so well. So tell me, if you know that’s what I do, why the hell are you so mad?“ She came across the room now, stalking Clarke, driving her back towards the wall, almost touching her now, their faces inches apart. “Is it because you wanted me back here, so I could fuck you. Satisfy your needs? Don’t like to share your fuck buddy? Is that it? That has to be it, doesn’t it? Because if that’s not it, that means you’re jealous, and if you’re jealous, that means you care. But we all know you don’t care, you don’t want to care. You only care about Lexa. Lexa, the ghost, who’s not around anymore, she’s dead Clarke, and she’s… ” Clarke snapped at the mention of Lexa’s name for the second time tonight, and her hand snaked out and slapped Andes across the face. Andes was still for half a second, her head turned, feeling the sting, physically and mentally. She slowly looked at Clarke, and she could see the fury in her eyes, and maybe hate. They stared at each other for a bit, Clarke realizing the enormity of what she just did, seeing the look in Andes eyes. She knew she was shattered, Clarke had destroyed her.
She reached out to her, “Andes, “
“No, “ Andes said as she headed for the door. She had her hand on the door knob, and turned back towards Clarke, not looking at her though, feeling the shame of what she did, all anger gone, knowing how she just hurt Clarke, hurt her enough that Clarke hit her. “I’m leaving tomorrow, “ and with that she opened the door and left. Clarke sat back down on the bed, put her head in her hands. What have they become? How did this happen? How did they get here?
Andes went to the computer room, and sat in the corner, waiting for Raven, wanting to say goodbye. It would be hours, but she didn’t care. She sat with her back against the wall, on the floor, her knees pulled up and held tight against her chest. She didn’t seek out a chair for comfort, she wanted to punish herself for what she did, what she said to Clarke. She would leave tomorrow, and put all of this behind her. Go back to being on her own, her books for company and her dogs for company. This love stuff was awful, but she was strong, she’d survived a lot worse, right? She put her head back and finally fell asleep.
Andes, where are you? Andes, show yourself little one. I’m up here, she called, looking down at Lexa below her. What are you doing up there? I don’t want to go today. Why not? I hate it. Everybody hates me there, I’m no good at anything. Come down here and we’ll talk about it, ok? Andes made her way down and stood in front of Lexa. Lexa got down on her knees so she could be at eye level, her hands on Andes shoulders. Now, what’s all this talk about people hating you. They make fun of me. The call me little freak. They call you that because they’re jealous. They know you’re special. I know you’re special. I see greatness in you, little one. One day, you will shine the brightest of all of us. How can you say that, you’re the best, you’ll be the brightest. That’s not my fate. How do you know that? I feel it in my bones. Well, I don’t know how I can be great, I don’t want to kill anyone, and you can’t be great if you don’t kill people. Lexa affectionately cupped Andes face in her hands, smiling at her. Sometimes, I think you were not meant for this time, you were meant to be born in another. Now, come on, she stood up and took Andes hand in hers. Let’s go.
Andes woke with a start, the dream still vivid in her mind. She hadn’t thought of that moment in years. It had been forgotten, buried with the other memories of happier times. Lexa thought she was special. What would she think of her now, hurting Clarke the way she did. Andes touched her cheek, the sensation still there, from Clarke’s hand. She heard Raven come in, and she stood up.
“Andes, you’re early, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“I want to run that program today, see if you can figure out what’s going wrong, cause I know you’re not just another pretty face!” She looked at Andes with a wide grin, then noticed that Andes was not smiling back. “Dude, what’s up, you look like someone stole your cookie.”
“I’m leaving today, now actually. And I wanted to say goodbye.”
“What? Leaving? Why, wait, what? Does this have to do with that little tiff with Clarke last night? Cause she’ll get over it, like she always does, and things will be back to normal.”
“Yeah, I don’t think things will be going back to normal any time soon. We kinda had a fight last night back in the room, things were bad, things were said, not very nice things. Things you can’t take back with an apology. And, I told her I slept with Gomez.”
“Did you?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then why did you say it?”
“Just to make her mad. Just to hurt her. I said some other stuff too. “
“You can apologize for anything Andes, at least that’s what I’ve always found.” Raven was starting to get upset, Andes could tell. “You can’t leave, girl, you’re one of my besties. We have a blast together, who is gonna laugh at my stupid jokes?”
“I’m sorry Raven. I love you, not like that, “ pointing at Raven, like they always do when they said they loved each other. Andes closed her eyes, “I have to go, my head is not right. I have to get my head right.”
“Clarke really fucked you up, didn’t she?” Andes just nodded. Raven felt so bad for her friend. She knew she wasn’t used to this stuff, feelings, love. “I get it, I do. I’m gonna miss you like a mother fucker.” She wrapped her arms around Andes and squeezed her hard, holding back tears. “You’ll come visit me though, right? You’ll come hang out. Please say you’ll come back and hang out with me.”
Andes smiled a sad smile, “I will. After my head is clear, I’ll come back, and we’ll rule the world. Two fucking brainiacs, writing code and shit.” Raven smiled at that. “Tell everyone I said goodbye, ok? I don’t think I can handle the questions. I’ll just go see Abby and be on my way.”
Raven nodded and stuck out her arm, “May we meet again, friend of mine.”
“We will meet again, friend.” Andes said as she grasped Raven’s forearm. With that Andes turned and walked out, heading back to her room, wondering if Clarke was there, and if she was, how that was going to go. She opened the door and the room was empty. The bed didn’t even look slept in. Andes quickly gathered her things, put back on the clothes that she came in, put on her swords, her bow, her daggers. They felt like old friends. She wanted to be on her way before everyone was up and about. She knew Abby was an early riser. Clarke too, so she looked for both of them, she had to face Clarke, she owed her a goodbye. She looked all around and couldn’t find her, so she made her way to the med bay and saw Abby at her desk. “Hey.”
Abby looked up, saw what Andes was wearing and knew what was happening. “You’re leaving?” Andes nodded. “What happened?”
Andes took a deep breath, “Clarke and I had big fight last night. But I had already decided I needed to leave before that.”
“Andes, fighting is part of a relationship. You fight, you make up, it’s all part of it.”
“Agreed. If one was in a relationship. Don’t forget Abby, we’re not, as Clarke is always quick to point out.” She rubbed at her forehead. “ We said some nasty things last night. Well, really I did.”
“Honey, whatever you said, I’m sure that Clarke will forgive you. “
“She may forgive me, but I won’t forgive me.” Abby stood up and pulled Andes into a hug.
“Andes, please, talk to her, try and work it out. I think we’ve all gotten used to you around here. I know I have. You always brighten my day, and no matter what Clarke says, I’m telling you, you brighten hers too. I should know, I’m her mother. And I know she can be stubborn, she gets that from me. But keep after her, don’t give up on her.”
Andes felt the tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t, I just can’t right now. I’m so sorry. ”
Abby held her tight, not wanting to let her go. “You are always welcome here.”
Andes pulled back, “Goodbye Abby, thank you for everything.”
“Don’t say goodbye, aren’t we supposed to say ‘may we meet again’, because that’s sounds a lot less final, ok?”
“Ok, may we meet again.” Andes turned and slowly walked away. But before she went through the door, she turned back to Abby, who was still watching her, “I looked for Clarke, I couldn’t find her, please tell her I’m sorry, and tell her I said goodbye.” Abby nodded and Andes opened the door and left.
Andes made it through the gate with no more contact. She waved to the guards, who opened it for her. When she was outside the gate, the dogs were there, wagging their tails, looking happy. Andes was jealous. She walked up the hill away from Arkadia. When she was about to enter the forest, she saw Clarke standing there.
“Were you just going to leave and not say goodbye?”
“I looked for you, I couldn’t find you.” Jaks rushed up to Clarke, and sat down next to her, looking up with devoted eyes. Clarke reached down and patted his head.
“So, you really are leaving?”
“Yeah. I think it’s for the best.”
Clarke nodded. She agreed, but it still hurt so damn much. She knew that it just wasn’t their time, and didn’t know if it ever would be. Clarke had too many demons. “Andes, I’m sorry I hit you, I can’t believe I did that.”
“It’s ok, I deserved it. I’m so sorry for the things I said. I was so angry.”
“I know, but I made you angry.” They both just stood there for a moment. “Andes, please don’t love me.”
Andes hesitated a few seconds, looking down at the dirt. “Too late,” she whispered.
“I made a promise to myself, “ Clarke said.
“We already broke one of your promises, why not another?” One last shot.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I’m hurting you now. I just don’t feel like I have a lot to give to someone. I’ve lost too many people that I love, and I don’t want to go through that again. I guess it’s easier to not feel anything too deep right now.”
“It’s ok Clarke, I’ve survived worst, I’ll survive this.”
Clarke was just staring at her now, getting a last look, not knowing if she would ever see her again, ignoring the pain that that thought caused. “Here, this is for you.” She handed Andes a envelope. “Don’t open it til you get home, ok?”
Andes looked at the paper and nodded. Looking down at Jaks, “You should keep Jaks.”
“What? Oh my god, no. He’s your favorite Andes, I could never take him away from you.”
“Please, I insist. Look at him, he adores you. Promise me that whenever you leave Arkadia, you’ll have him with you. He’ll protect you, and you’ll protect him.”
“Andes, I can’t.”
“Please Clarke, it’s just one request, my last one, please, keep him and take care of him for me.”
“Ok, I’ll keep him.” She reached down to hug him close. She couldn’t refuse Andes request, she’d done enough to her as it was.
“Thank you.” Neither one knew what to say next.
They were standing close to each other, close enough to touch. Andes leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips and Clarke whimpered on the inside, “See you round beautiful.”
“Leidon, Andes.” Goodbye.
Clarke watched her walk away, wondered if she would turn around. She didn’t. She wanted to call her back, tell her that maybe she just needed more time. But she thought better of it. Andes would be better off without her and her baggage, and Clarke’s heart could stay intact.
Andes walked away, she didn’t look back, she didn’t want to, afraid she would lose it. After a few hours, she opened Clarke’s envelope, and pulled out a drawing that she had done. Andes slid down to the ground as she looked at it, tears slipping from her eyes. Clarke had drawn the both of them, the likeness incredible. Andes had her arms around Clarke, facing her, her forehead touching the side of Clarke’s head, her eyes closed, her mouth slightly open. Clarke looking straight ahead, her hand over Andes heart, a serious look on her face. It was beautiful. Andes just stared at it. Now she had something to remember her by. She rolled it up and placed it inside her bindings, over her heart, because that’s where Clarke belonged.