fifty shades of autumn
Clarke gets woken up by Octavia playing loud music, or talking on the phone or she’s watching something on her laptop. Clarke doesn’t really know. Her eyes are closed and she’s facing the wall of their bedroom. She can feel the cold air streaming through the open window, why does Octavia have a thing about opening the window every morning? It’s really fucking cold.
“’Morning good-looking. “ Octavia smiles as she gets dressed. She’s never been scared to change in front of people, she doesn’t really care. Clarke thinks it’s cool that she’s so secure in herself, sometimes she wishes she could be the same.
“Can’t I just keep sleeping? Please, “ Clarke mumbles, she’s facing her pillow now.
“No. Get dressed. Breakfast is already served downstairs. They’re waiting, “ Octavia says. “I’ll meet you there. “ She grabs her purse and walks out the door humming along with the music that’s playing from her phone.
Clarke’s kind of glad to be alone right now. After last night with Lexa she can’t really focus on talking to Octavia about it. Clarke doesn’t know why she’s thinking so much about it, nothing happened. Lexa was upset, crying, she had gone off in the forest and Clarke was just there to comfort her.
The usual.
But she can’t seem to let it go. All the way down to the dining hall she thinks about what she’d wanted to say to Lexa, you know, before she realized she was crying, and what had happened if she’d said it. Maybe it’s a good thing she never told her how she really feels.
At least that’s what Clarke tells herself over and over again until she sits down at the table with the rest of the group.
“Good morning, “ Jasper says and gives Clarke the milk and cereal, by now everyone knows it’s her usual breakfast routine.
“Hey, “ She says and smiles. Her hands are shaking, she’s starving. She skipped dinner last night to be with Lexa and hasn’t eaten anything since.
“Are you ready for the game later, Lincoln? “ Monty says to start the conversation. Everyone’s tired and no one really has the energy to talk, except for Monty, of course.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun. The kids aren’t really ready yet but it will be great anyway, “ He says. Octavia is eyeing him from across the table. They can’t go five minutes without looking at each other like they’ve just fallen in love.
It’s amazing.
Breakfast ends faster than usual, everybody’s stoked for the match so when they’re done eating they all get out to the football field. Hundreds of people are all around it, some have used their magic to make themselves taller or made them fly to make sure they can see everything that’s going on on the field.
The game ends with a tie, Lincoln was the judge but from time to time he’d join the loosing team and help them score a few goals. Octavia was up front calling Lincolns name over and over again, she is his own personal cheerleader.
“You were amazing! “ Jasper says as soon as they all meet outside the school entrance.
“I’m twice their size, it’s not a tough job to play against them. “ Lincoln laughs.
They all walk to each their room to relax. Clarke can feel the fresh air turn from cold to warm as she walks through the girls’ hallway to get to Lexa’s room.
“Hey, “ She says when she meets Raven on the way. “Did you see Lexa on your way up here? “
“No, she’s in our room- “ They open the door and walk inside the room. “Or not. I thought she was here. “ Raven looks in the bathroom. “Maybe she’s downstairs? She was doing some school stuff in the dining hall yesterday, “ Raven says.
“Let’s look, “ Clarke says and she can’t help to worry. When she thinks back about the football game she doesn’t remember seeing Lexa there after it started. They were all so caught up in the moment that she didn’t realize she left.
“She’s not here, Raven. “ Clarke looks at Raven.
“Shit, “ Raven says. “Let’s ask the others, okay? She’s here somewhere. “
But as the whole day goes by with looking for Lexa, they don’t come any closer. When the clock strikes midnight they all go to bed. None of them sleep that night.
“We’ll ask The Mage, “ Clarke says, pulling Raven and Octavia with her to the tower. All of the classrooms are stacked on top of each other in the main tower. And on the top floor, that’s where The Mage’s office is.
They walk up the many steps to get to the top. The air almost feels thinner up here, or they’re just all out of breath. Watford doesn’t make you do a lot of physical work.
Clarke knocks on the door a few times and calls for The Mage.
“Clarke, fuck! Be a little more respectful, God! “ Raven says. She doesn’t like to admit it, but she’s scared of The Mage. Living with Lexa for almost eight years and her being friends, or whatever they are, with The Mage makes you hear things.
“If The Mage knows where she is I’m not wasting any time being fucking respectful, Raven. “ Clarke has crazy written all over her. She’s been like this before. Whenever Lexa’s about to do something stupid or something worse than stupid, Clarke goes mad.
“She’s not here, “ Octavia says after they’ve waited for a good while.
“I’ll knock again- “
“No, Clarke. Just… We’ll go down to the fields again and look, okay? Don’t piss off The Mage, please. “ Octavia tries.
A week goes by, Lexa’s still gone, Clarke is going crazy, the rest of the group are starting to fear the worst.
Clarke’s not eating or sleeping, she’s never in her room. She’s always shaking, she’s getting ill.
“You’ve got to eat, Clarke. “ Octavia lifts a bowl of cereal to Clarke’s face. They’re all downstairs. People have left the hall a long time ago, when they finished eating breakfast.
“I’m not hungry, okay? I just… I just need to find her, “ Clarke says. That’s pretty much the only thing she’s been saying for the past week.
“You won’t find her if you starve yourself! “ Raven says. Murphy takes her hand and tries to make her calm down but she’s too upset. “You’re killing yourself, Clarke. This is not helping! “
“What if The Mage took her? Or the Humdrum? What if she’s out there, calling for help, waiting for me to get to her? “ Clarke says, raising her voice. “If she’s dying I can’t just sit here and eat fucking cereal. “
“Do you want something else, then? “ Jasper asks, but the looks the rest of the group send him tell him he should just have stayed quiet. “She’s here somewhere, though, “ He says. They all look at him again, confused.
“Well, I talked to some of the new kids here and they say they can still feel her magic. Like, she’s still affecting them in some way. So she has to be at the school somewhere, “ Jasper says.
Another week flies by, two weeks with Lexa being somewhere and they can’t find her. School has started, but Clarke can’t focus on her homework. The teachers don’t call Lexa’s name anymore and whenever they stop, just about to say it and then just move on, Clarke can’t help but to sink a little deeper in her chair.
Three weeks and Raven’s outside her room. She’s been staying with Clarke and Octavia for the past week, it got too hard to sleep alone. But she needs one of her books and it’s in her and Lexa’s room. The door seems so big and heavy when she pushes it open.
“I’m so sor- “ Lexa doesn’t even get to finish her sentence before Raven runs to her and hugs her.
“Are you okay? “ Raven asks, pulling herself away from Lexa.
“Yeah, just tired. “ Lexa smiles. But she stops smiling the second Raven’s hand hits her face and a burning heat goes through her cheek. “What the- “
“Don’t you ever fucking run away again you stupid piece of shit! “ Raven screams, she’s not really crying but she also kind of is. Her face is red and her throat hurts.
“I didn’t have a choice, Raven! I would never just leave you guys, “ Lexa says. She’s standing straight with her arms by her side. She tries to ignore the pain in her cheek.
“But you did, Lexa. Unless something else happened in which you better fucking tell me right now! “ Raven doesn’t remember ever being this angry.
“I… I can’t, okay? But I promise you it’ll be okay and that I’m okay and we’ll all be okay. Just… Trust me on this one, please. “ Lexa’s words are like a plead but her voice is calm and collected. She’s not talking like herself, she’s talking like The Mage, that’s all Raven can think about.
“You stink, Lexa. Take a shower. “ Raven grabs a towel from the basket by the bathroom door and throws it at Lexa.
“Thank you, “ Lexa says and walks out to the bathroom with the towel and some clean clothes. It’s nice getting a shower. Lexa’s been living off cleaning spells for the past month – they work fine, but it’s the feeling of the warm water hitting her skin she’s missed. Her body’s sore and painted with blue and green marks all over it. She has cuts on her knuckles, knees and a few open wounds on her upper arms. She starts bleeding as the water soaks the wounds and opens them again.
But she doesn’t feel the pain, it’s like she’s gotten used to it. Her head is spinning so she steps out of the shower. She doesn’t even know how long she’s been in there, but she can hear voices on the other side of the bathroom door so she changes into her clean clothes, wraps her hair in the towel and opens the door.
She’d expected to see Raven, not Murphy. And she did not expect to see them making out – full on open mouth and tongue.
“Wow, “ Lexa says, a little louder than anticipated. Raven and Murphy pull away from each other and they both go pink – Raven a little more than Murphy. But it’s probably just the chock of seeing Lexa that takes away most of his attention.
“So… You’re back? “ Murphy says. There’s a tone in his voice Lexa hasn’t missed. It’s the kind of tone that makes you feel like you’re the dumbest person alive and he’s the king of the world.
“I am. “ Lexa snaps. “You’re dating? “
“Kind of, “ Raven says and her hand, intertwined with Murphy’s, shoots behind his back.
“Cool, good for you. I’m going to bed, “ Lexa says, but Raven gets a firm grip around Lexa’s arm when she tries to walk past her.
“No, you are not. You’re waiting until Clarke gets here and then you explain everything. “ Raven lets go of Murphy.
“I’ll talk to her, to everyone, tomorrow. Now… I’m tired, okay? “ Lexa jerks her arm away from Raven but before she even gets to look at her bed, their bedroom door smacks open and Clarke falls into the room.
“Lexa, “ She says, out of breath and with a shaky voice. She stops dead in the door, as if she’s afraid to scare Lexa away and loose her again.
“I’m sorry, “ Lexa says, her voice equally shaky.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt? “ Clarke’s eyes shoot towards the cut on Lexa’s forehead and cheek and the blue marks on the thighs. Her loose shorts aren’t long enough to cover them.
“I’m fine, really. “
“Great. Raven, Murphy. Do you mind leaving us here for a few minutes? I’d like to talk some sense into Lexa, please. “ Clarke’s fists are clenched and her face is turning red. Her knuckles are getting more and more white.
“Jeez, sure. “ Raven laughs a little as she leads Murphy out the room. He tries to stop her, obviously interested in seeing what Clarke wants do to Lexa, but Raven is probably stronger than he is so she gets him out and closes the door behind them.
“What happened to you? “ Clarke asks and takes a step forward, still a few feet away from Lexa.
“I can’t tell you. “ Lexa looks away from Clarke. She tugs at the bottom of her shorts, feeling uncomfortable in them. She never wears the shorts anyway, it’s only because she didn’t really have anything else.
“Are you kidding me? “ Clarke says. “I’ve been dead worried for the past three weeks, Lexa. And now you’re just back and you won’t even tell me what the hell happened to you! I thought you were dead! I thought the Humdrum had found you and kidnapped you or something, I don’t fucking know. I spend the past three weeks preparing for The Mage to come back and tell us you were gone, “ She says. Her hands are shivering, her whole body shaking with every word.
“I thought maybe I had done something wrong- “
“Never! “ Lexa interrupts her.
“I thought I had said something wrong or that you were upset about the forest or- “
“Everything’s fine, Clarke. “ Lexa takes a few steps forward, to Clarke, and places her hand on her hand. “It’s going to be okay, really. “ She tries to smile, but her face is stuck in a grimace of pain and worry.
“I care about you, Lexa. These past three weeks have made me realize I can’t do anything without you and- “
“Clarke… “ Lexa whispers. It’s killing her to stop Clarke from saying the things Lexa’s thinking about her all the time. But she has to, if she wants to keep Clarke safe and spare her pain if Lexa doesn’t make it in the end.
“I… “ Clarke bites her bottom lip, looking away. Tears start to form in her eyes, she’s full of so much love and she can’t do anything about it. Lexa won’t let her. Maybe this is what Lexa feels like every day, just with her power instead of love. “I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight, “ Clarke says. She takes one more look at Lexa, scared she might disappear overnight, and leaves the room.
“Goodnight, Clarke. “
The next week goes by slowly. School is tough on Lexa, but Clarke is with her at every class, even the ones she doesn’t take. She feels this need to be with Lexa whenever she can. She can’t quite tell if it’s because she’s missed her or if it’s because she wants to make sure Lexa doesn’t just disappear again.
Clarke likes the way Lexa sometimes sets things on fire, by accident of course. Even if they’re doing spells about opening books or writing with a pencil without touching the pencil or paper. Somehow Lexa can make things go up in flames just by laughing a bit too much – Clarke has, of course, noticed that those things only happen when Clarke sits a little too close to Lexa. She likes that as well.
Raven keeps telling Clarke to keep her distance from Lexa, that there’s no need to be her shadow all the time. But Clarke knows that she has to be Lexa’s shadow when Lexa’s the sun.
Even though Clarke’s helping Lexa with pretty much all of her classes, Lexa still misses a lot of them. Sometimes Lexa’s gone for a whole day, except for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She never misses the food breaks. She’s eating more than Clarke’s ever seen her eat before and she takes naps in the breaks between classes. She’s mumbling spells in her sleep which has had Raven put out three fires and woken up from her legs freezing to ice twice.
At least that gave her an excuse to limp for a few weeks. She does that all the time anyways, mostly on the bad days.
But Clarke hasn’t stopped asking Lexa what’s been up with her. She’s even been leaving in the middle of the night or early mornings, that’s what Raven has told her. But Lexa always skips the question or answers with a slight tug on Clarke’s sleeve and ends it with a soft, worried smile. Clarke doesn’t know if Lexa knows what that does to her. How that makes her knees weak and her palms sweaty. How it makes her heart hurt and her lungs fight to get an extra breath.
Lexa does all of those things to her and she doesn’t even know. Clarke doesn’t even get to tell her, and just because of some stupid shit Lexa has made up to make herself feel better if she doesn’t make it when it all comes down to it.
It’s stupid.
But at least it’s now October and it’s the perfect weather. Lexa has always known Clarke was a summer-girl, but Lexa’s autumn through and through. She finds nothing more calming than the fresh air, even though it’s freezing cold, and watching the leaves gather at the edge of the forest, turning fifty shades of autumn as she looks at them.
“Do you think they’ll notice we’re gone? “ Clarke asks, she used to skip a lot of classes and she didn’t mind it back then. But then The Mage talked to her parents about it and they got really upset with her.
“It’s a football match. I honestly don’t think they care, “ Lexa says as they sit down on a small blanket on the ground of the fields. They’re on the other side of the school, as far away from the students – and the game – as possible.
“It’s fucking cold. “ Clarke laughs as she rubs her hands together to heat them up. “It’s getting hot in here, “ She says. It’s a spell, actually. She almost sings it and it makes Lexa laugh. Clarke doesn’t seem to be cold anymore, even Lexa can feel the heat rising from her. She, Lexa, has never done a spell like that. Anything that has the slightest to do with fire, she tries to avoid.
Even though Clarke doesn’t seem to be cold anymore, she’s still shaking slightly.
“You’re okay? “ Lexa asks and smiles, laying her hand on Clarke’s knee gently.
“Yeah, “ She says. “Well, no. Not really. “ She’s looking everywhere but at Lexa. “I need to tell you something, I think. And I know that you’re going to stop me but I’m asking you not to. Actually, if you could just not say anything until I’m done talking, that’d be great. “ Her voice is shivering.
“Clarke… “ Lexa whispers in that way she always does. But Clarke doesn’t budge.
“I care about you very much, Lexa. “ She turns to look at her, Lexa’s hand still on her knee. “I’ve been crushing on you for seven year, you know. And it’s not an easy thing to like the girl who’s meant to save the world on day, because she makes up all of these rules about why she can’t be true to what she’s feeling and what’s happening. “
“I, honestly Lexa. Fuck, you’re my best friend and the most important person in my life. And I know you won’t let that change anything, even though I don’t agree with you. But I won’t force you in to something you don’t want and maybe you don’t even have those feelings for me and I guess that’s fine. I just can’t go another day without telling you how I feel, because every time I lay my eyes on you my heart stops and my chest hurts and I just want to scream that I love you, because I do… Love you. “
Clarke thought she felt pain the few times she’d broken a bone or when she’d lost someone close to her, but the pain of waiting for Lexa to do or say something is one of the worst things she’s ever felt. Say something, she thinks to herself. At this stage she doesn’t really care what Lexa says, she just can’t take the killing silence any longer.
“I… I’m sorry, Clarke. “
Maybe she did care what Lexa would say, because out of all the options that had gone through her head, she did not expect for that to happen. Three words. Three words is everything she could say.
“I know. “ Clarke’s voice is too light and shaky, Lexa knows she’s about to cry.
“I really am, though. But I can’t see you get- “
“Get hurt, yeah, forgot about that part. I, uhm, let’s get back to the match. It’s a long walk, “ Clarke says and gets up from the blanket. She almost feels dizzy, like she’s in a state of dreaming, as they walk back to the others.
Lexa’s disappearing a lot more now. She’s gone all night, every night. She spends the first classes sleeping, the teachers aren’t saying a thing. Raven thinks it’s because they know why Lexa’s sleeping and why she’s disappearing all the time. She’s tried to get it out of the teachers, but they always end up giving Raven an essay to do or another book to read as a punishment.
It’s the fourteenth of October, midnight. It’s pitch-black outside, except for the few fluorescent plants, lighting up the ground outside, on the fields.
Clarke’s been staying up all night, waiting to hear Lexa leave her room and walk down the stairs. Her and Octavia’s room is down the hall, right in front of the stairwell. She can’t miss it when Lexa leaves her room.
She can feel her eyes slowly falling shut, but when a high-pitched creek outside of her door comes, she flies up from her bed, grabs her phone and wand and follows the sounds of steps down the hall. For a moment she thinks Lexa walked into the dining hall, which didn’t make much sense. Then she couldn’t see her anymore and after an hour of looking for her, she gives up.
With long, drowsy steps she walks back to her bedroom, disappointed not to have seen what Lexa’s up to but also exited to go to sleep. She looks out through the window, it’s Lexa. She’s out on the fields, alone. Doing… Magic.
Clarke can recognize a few of the spells, hungry eyes (that one puts out a plate of poisoned food, good if you’re fighting trolls), woman in chains (that one puts the nearest girl or woman in chains. Of course men made it back in the days). But what Clarke notices most of all is that Lexa’s doing the spells almost perfectly.
There’s no fire, no mix-up with the words – as far as she can see. Lexa’s doing magic.
The next morning Clarke doesn’t even remember falling asleep. She watched Lexa practice different spells until suddenly she woke up in her bed, fully clothed.
“You’re up early, “ Octavia says as she sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes.
“What? “ Clarke asks, confused. She gets up and looks out the window. A few black marks of burnt grass around the area Lexa stood have appeared.
“You’re already dressed, Clarke. You do know that, right? “ Octavia laughs as she walks across the room, wearing a loose t-shirt (probably Lincoln’s) and a pair of red panties.
“Oh, yeah. I guess I just fell asleep last night like this. I… I need to tell you something, “ Clarke says.
“Okay? What’s up? “ Octavia says from the bathroom, she’s leaning in over the sink to put in her contacts. She could just fix her vision if she wanted to, but she says she likes this part about her. Plus, she doesn’t want to risk it. A blind wizard isn’t really the smartest thing.
“I saw Lexa… Last night- “
“No way! Did you guys- “
“No! For the love of all things well, Octavia, not everything is about sex! “ Clarke walks out to the bathroom and sits down on the edge of the bathtub.
“You’re just saying that because you’ve never- “
“Can we just drop it? Please, “ Clarke says, she takes three deep breaths and puts her hair up in a loose bun, letting a few locks of hair drop down.
“Fine, you started it. What’s up? Really. “
“I saw Lexa out on the fields last night… She was doing magic and she was pretty good at it. She was practicing, Octavia. That’s what she’s been doing all this time! “
“Shut. Up. Are you shitting me? What did Raven say about it? “ Octavia asks. She brushes her teeth and starts doing little braids in her hair and puts it up in a high ponytail.
“I haven’t told her yet, “ Clarke says, confused.
“Oh, you always tell her everything first so, you know, I just thought- “
“No, I don’t. I tell you stuff first too. What are you on about? “ Clarke gets up from the tub and forces Octavia to look at her.
“Yeah? Like what? You guys are always talking about everything together and then you come to me later. “
“Where is all of this coming from? “ Clarke grabs her hand but she pulls it to herself and continues to fix her hair, even though there’s nothing to fix. “Well… I’m sorry, okay? We’ll talk about this later. I promise! We just need to find out why Lexa was out there. I need to find out, “ Clarke says. She kisses Octavia on the cheek like they always do and then grabs her phone from the floor, it always ends on the floor somehow.
“Raven! “ Clarke knocks on the door multiple times before it opens. “Lexa, “ Clarke says. She hasn’t really talked to her very much lately. “Did I wake you up? “
“No, I’ve been up for an hour. “ She sounds confused. “What’s up? “ She straightens her back and folds her hands behind it.
“I, uhm, is Raven here? I really need to talk to her, “ Clarke says. She can see Lexa’s hurt by the fact that Clarke doesn’t want to speak to her. Lexa takes a few steps back to let Clarke inside.
“She’ll be back in a few minutes. She’s out with Murphy. “ Lexa leaves the doorway and goes to sit down at her desk. Papers and books are piled onto it, you can easily see that it’s never used for anything other than a place to keep her shit.
Clarke wants to say something. She does. She wants to tell Lexa that everything will be okay and that whatever’s going on they’ll fix it. But she knows what’s going on – sort of, anyway – and it’s not something she can fix.
She opens her mouth but before she lets out a single word, Raven comes in the room, smiling like an idiot.
“Oh, hey. “ She grins as she throws her bag at the end of her bed.
“Can we talk? “ Clarke says and gets up from Ravens bed. Lexa’s still sat at her desk, looking for something amongst the mess, with her headphones in. She doesn’t seem to hear them.
“Sure, everything okay? “ Raven asks and looks over at Lexa with a confused look.
“I’ll explain in my room, please. “ Clarke nods towards Lexa.
“Oh, sure. “ Raven grabs her phone from her bag and says goodbye to Lexa after poking her on the shoulder a few times.
“The fuck! “ Raven yells after Clarke tells her what she saw.
“I know! “ Octavia says. They’re sitting on the floor, on pillows, the beds aren’t really big enough for them to sit so that they can face each other.
“We have to talk to about it, “ Clarke says.
“She doesn’t want to talk about it, otherwise she would’ve told us. “ Raven shoots Clarke a look.
“We’ll force her. She’s learning how to do spells and I’m sure it has something to do with the Humdrum. “
“And The Mage, “ Raven mutters. “What? “ She asks when they all look at her. “If Lexa is doing magic, for the first time ever, The Mage has to have something to do with it. She’s probably training her or something, making sure that when all of this is over she still has something to rule. “
“Raven, “ Octavia says. “The Mage is not the bad guy here. You know that. “ Octavia picks at the carpet on the floor.
“We’ll talk to Lexa about it whether or not she wants to. “ Clarke gets up from the floor.
“Now? “ Raven asks, clearly surprised.
“Well, she’s in your room now so why not? No reason to waste time, “ Clarke says and they leave, closing and locking the door behind them.
“You were spying on me? “ Lexa says, her voice is stern and unfamiliar. She’s standing in the middle of the room, the girls sitting around her on the beds.
“I needed to know what the hell you were doing, “ Clarke says, defending herself.
“That’s spying, Clarke! “ Lexa swings her arms around as she turns, wanting to leave. But Raven gets up, grabs Lexa’s arm and hits her – sort of gently – on the side of her face. Her cheek turns red.
“What the- “
“Shut up. Shut up! “ Raven yells. “We are your friends and we’re really fucking worried about what the fuck you’re doing! You’re leaving in the middle of the night, making me wake up, knowing you’ve been out there all night. You’re not sleeping or eating or going to your classes. You don’t give a shit about us or what we’re doing. “
“You get mad when we care about you, “ Raven says. She’s choking up, you can easily hear it in her voice. She’s struggling with her words now. “You’re ruining yourself, Lexa. “
“I’m doing this because I don’t want to die fighting the Insidious Humdrum, okay? I know I can win, but I don’t know if I can survive. And that scares me. Because ever since I was a little girl I’ve been struggling just staying alive. I’ve been dreaming about getting that happy ending I’ve heard so much about and- “
She stops talking when Raven wraps her arms around her and they stay like that for a while.
When everyone has hugged everyone they tell everything to the boys. Lexa also explains that the reason she didn’t tell was that she didn’t want them to get their hopes up, she wanted them to be expecting the worst.
“That’s fucking stupid, “ Jasper says and laughs.