I'd be waiting
There’s still a month or so until the school really starts, but with Lexa’s “disability” – basically the fact that has no idea how to do magic – she always begins preparing weeks before she really has to. She reads a couple of chapters in her schoolbooks, just the important ones that teach you the laws of magic, how to control it and other things she’s never been able to do.
She’s upset, for some reason. She can feel it in the pit of her stomach, something just hurts. She can also tell by the amount of kids, the new ones, which have gathered at the tables around the one she’s sitting at in the dining hall. They’re all whispering stuff, blurry words about how they’re so glad to be there and how Lexa’s sitting right over there and other things like that.
She doesn’t really mind, though. It’s not bad things they’re saying, plus, they’re so young. If they call her a few words all she has to do is turn to look at them. That’ll freak them out, easy.
“You’ve started early this year, “ Lincoln says as he sits down next to her.
“I always start early, “ She says and closes her notebook.
“Yeah, well. Earlier, then. “ He corrects himself. He clears his throat a little before leaning back against the back of the chair and lifts his feet up on the table.
“People eat here, “ Lexa says and cleans the table with the sleeve of her shirt as he drops his feet to the ground again.
“Jeez, I didn’t know you were such a clean freak. “ He laughs.
“I’m not. I just don’t want people to get sick because you stepped in some poisonous plant out on the football field, “ She says. She’s right, though. The football field is pretty much filled with deadly plants. The goats don’t go there very much. They’re the only reason Lexa can sit on the fields around the school, they eat all the magical plants that grow around the school.
“You’re being very… Distant, Lexa. “ He puffs.
“Sorry? “ She says. She doesn’t really know what to say. She’s just had this weird feeling lately, like no matter where she is, she’s not alone. That someone, something, is always starring at her. It’s probably just the constant fear of the Humdrum showing up and kicking her butt.
“Don’t be. You have a lot to deal with this year. You know, with the Humdrum and all of that. “
“All of that. “ She repeats as she closes the rest of her books and puts them in her backpack again.
“He, it, could come any second. That must be terrifying in some way, “ He says.
“He might just not come, you know. It’s just old prophecies and stuff. People a hundred years ago saying some kid will show up because some thing will come and kill everything and everyone. It’s not even sure it’s true, “ She says. But they both know that’s complete bullshit.
“He’s tried every year to kill you, Lexa. This is his last chance. And you know, if you want to get something done you’ll have to do it by yourself. “
They sit quiet for a moment before hundreds of other children come to the dining hall and eat dinner. They’re serving mini burgers, one of Lexa’s favorites. But she’s not hungry, not at all.
“What do you need to get done? “ Jasper asks as he starts piling up food on his plate.
“The Humdrum, actually. “ Lincoln corrects.
“Ew, dude. You want to do the Humdrum? “ Jasper laughs and Lincoln pushes him so he almost falls off his chair.
“Shut it, Jasper, “ Lincoln says with a smile. Plates are flying – literally flying - all around the table as everyone gets a piece of everything.
“We’re going to fucking destroy it whenever it shows up, “ Octavia says and takes a small bite of her burger.
“It’ll regret every showing its face a Watford. “ Raven laughs. She goes to take some of the fries and her hand touches Murphy’s and they both go slightly pink, everyone sees it, everyone ignores it.
“I can’t wait to hurt it, “ Jasper says, a little more serious now than before. Everyone knows he’s had something personal against the Humdrum ever since it killed Maya.
It’s something no one ever talks about, because they know what Jasper went through when it happened and they don’t want him to fall back again and for him to have to live through all that again.
It happened at their fifth year. They were only fifteen, so young and stupid. Jasper was madly in love with Maya and Maya loved him. It was crazy how much they cared for each other at such a young age, it made no sense to anyone else but them.
But the Humdrum didn’t give a shit about that. He sent shape shifters to the school and they kidnapped Jasper, he was the first one to see them and they just chose him.
One of the shape shifters turned itself into Jasper and went on for three days before anyone noticed him acting weird. See, the thing with shape shifters is that when they turn into someone, they don’t just get their looks. They get every memory and every thought the person’s ever had.
That way they seem more convincing. But Maya had been talking about Jasper acting weird right from the beginning and suddenly, well. She decided to confront him.
She walked up to “him” and he turned back to a shape shifter – no one actually knows what a shape shifter looks like, Jasper doesn’t remember anything from when they took him. It killed her instantly, right there, in Jasper’s bedroom.
He didn’t leave school, he doesn’t really have anywhere else. He used to stay at Maya’s parent’s place during the summers. He doesn’t anymore. They bought him a small apartment a little outside of London.
But he was just in there, in his bedroom, for the rest of the year. He didn’t even leave it once. It took Monty days to convince him to take a shower. He shaved his head and cut himself several times, Monty found him in a small pool of blood one night.
No one was the same after that. Everyone thought it was over for Jasper. They thought that when he’d eventually had to leave Watford for the summer, that he wouldn’t come back.
But he did. After six months he started talking and showing up at his classes on time. When the year ended he even went to pick up some of Maya’s stuff from the office building. He’s still not okay, but he’s better. And sometimes he even forgets to be sad and he makes jokes and he laughs. They all like it a lot more when he laughs.
“We can do it, “ Octavia says with a smile. They all cheer a little and keep talking about different spells to use on the Humdrum.
Clarke turns to look at Lexa; she’s sitting right next to her. She grabs her hand under the table and Lexa realizes she’s oozing over again. The others haven’t noticed, they’re too busy talking about everything else.
“Breathe, “ Clarke whispers as she holds Lexa’s hand tight, giving it a squeeze.
After dinner Clarke and Lexa excuses themselves and walk out on the fields. The sun is setting over the trees, the goats are starting to go back to their little houses.
“What was that at dinner? “ Clarke asks when they sits down on the moist grass.
“I don’t want them to fight when the Humdrum gets here. I want, need to do it alone. “ Lexa looks at Clarke. God, she’s missed those bright, blue eyes. They’re practically glowing. When Clarke was younger she did use a spell to make her eyes glow, it was great.
“That’s dumb, “ Clarke says, confused.
“No, it really isn’t. I don’t want you to die- “
“I won’t, “ Clarke says with a firm voice. Her soft features on her face have hardened. Something Lexa only sees when Clarke’s about to give everything she can to be right about something.
“You will, Clarke. You almost died our first year because of me! “ Lexa calls.
“I am not going to let you die just because you’re being an idiot! “ Clarke says.
“Well, I am not going to let you die just because you’re being an idiot! “ Lexa says, louder. She can feel her fists clench and she knows her magic is going crazy but Clarke’s eyes get blurry and she blinks a few too many times.
“We’ll fight together, Lexa. Like we always have, “ Clarke says, her voice a lot calmer now. It seems to work on Lexa, she relaxes a lot more now.
“But- “
“No buts, “ Clarke says. Suddenly they both realize how close they are to each other. Suddenly Lexa realizes how Clarke’s familiar, sweet smell is leaving her palms sweaty from nervousness. She thinks about that kiss, it feels like it happened a million years ago. Not just a few months.
“Lexa? “ Clarke whispers, getting a firm grip on Lexa’s upper arm. Lexa knows what Clarke’s about to ask, she’s thinking about the same thing. But she knows that if she lets her feelings take over, she’ll end up getting Clarke killed.
If Lexa’s learned anything from Raven’s many comic books it’s that the “hero” always gets its lover in deep, deep trouble.
And Lexa can’t risk that. So she pulls away, every muscle she uses hurts, but her heart hurts even more when she sees the embarrassed, hurt look on Clarke’s face.
“I’m sorry, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers, but it doesn’t really come out the way she wanted it, it never does.
“I… I need to get back to my room. I, uhm, goodnight. Lexa. “ Clarke stutters and makes her way back to the building. Lexa takes the long way around, just to try and clear her head.
It worked for a little while, but the second her head hits her pillow it’s going crazy with thoughts and fears.
She pretends to sleep until she actually does.
Two months go by even faster now that Lexa’s doing everything she can to either be in her room or out on the fields around the school. She always occupies herself with things to do, like hurdling the goats away from the football field, making sure her room is tidy. She practices a few spells, just simple ones the first years are trying to learn on their own.
She uses a spell to fold all of her clothes but she ended up not being able to stop the spell and now all of her clothes are folded to tiny little drops of fabric. She’s been borrowing Raven’s until she gets to talk to The Mage about getting some new ones.
It’s lunchtime, but Lexa has already gotten a plate of food and she’s alone in her room eating it. Raven’s been too busy with Murphy, saying they’re doing a project together on something. She’s not even trying to sound convincing. School hasn’t even started yet, there is no project to work on.
But Lexa just plays along. As long as Raven’s with Murphy, then Lexa’s alone. She finishes her sandwich and puts her plate away. Normally you’d just spell it clean, but Lexa won’t even try to do that. She leans back in her bed, when a sudden, big wind blows the papers from her desk all around the room. Posters and notes and pictures from the walls are flying all around the room.
Lexa doesn’t even remember opening the window. She looks towards it and feels her hands go cold and her heart almost stopping.
“Finn? “ She shivers as she says his name. He’s walking out from behind the curtain. He looks so young, in some strange way. But his skin is pale and he has black spots of something gooey all over his hands, face and chest.
“You killed me, Lexa. “ His voice is cold. Lexa thinks about how a couple of years ago the veil had lifted and a girl’s grandmother had come to see her. Octavia had explained to Lexa that every hundred years the veil lifts and the dead can come back and tell you something, like a big family secret or who their killer was. It’s something Lexa never thought would happen to her.
But the veil shouldn’t even be lifted right now, nothing about this is normal.
“You’re the reason I’m dead and you know it! All I wanted to do was to protect Clarke and I died! “ He yells. “It should have been you! “ He’s screaming, but his body is stiff and barely moving.
Lexa can’t look away, but when another person appears from out of nowhere she can’t keep her eyes off her.
“Maya, “ She whispers.
“I loved him, Lexa. “ Her voice is so tiny, Lexa misses her. She’s never really thought about how much she misses Maya, they weren’t really that good friends. But she misses her so much at this moment.
“I wanted to help him! Because you didn’t do anything. You didn’t even realize he was gone! “ She’s creaming, the same way as Finn. Her lips are blue and her skin is pale. Her eyes don’t match the way she’s screaming, they’re cold and lifeless.
When Bellamy steps out from the corner of Lexa’s eyes, she instantly notices the bloody patch on his stomach. His face is twisted in pain.
“I was training Clarke, Lexa. “ He begins. “I was training her for a war you started! You’re the reason all of us are dead! And you’ll be the reason more will end up like us! “ They’re all saying it over and over and they’re coming closer to the bed. But their bodies aren’t moving. They’re floating over the hard, wooden floor with frightened looks on their faces.
Lexa’s terrified. She’s never been this scared before. She looks down in her bed and she can feel it getting warmer and warmer, she’s going to explode.
She runs past them, through them, somehow, and down the hall. She’s screaming as loud as she can but she can’t hear it herself. She almost jumps down the steps to get outside, ignoring the many people stepping out of their rooms to see what’s happening.
Lexa keeps running until she’s down to the forest. When she gets to the first row of trees she continues. She runs and runs and runs, ignoring the pain in her legs and chest. She keeps running until she falls to the ground, hard. She hits her shoulder on a rock or a large stick or something.
But as the pain goes through her body she can’t fight it anymore. She lets go. As the magic pours out of her, she can feel the relief going through her. It’s been so long since she’s felt the weight being lifted off her shoulders and out of her hands and chest.
She opens her eyes and sees that only a few dozens of trees have been burnt. But the fire stopped the second she opened her eyes and everything’s fine now.
At least she hopes so.
She walks back to the fields and sits down. One of the goats sits down in her lap, enjoying the leftover heat rising from Lexa’s skin.
And without even thinking about it, she starts crying.
She only stops when Clarke comes and sits down next to her.
“We need to talk, okay? And I won’t let you leave this time or say something or anything, Lexa. I’ve been thinking about the kiss and about everything, and yes. I know that you feel like you’re putting me in some sort of danger but you have to unders- “ She looks at Lexa for the first time since sitting down.
“Are you crying? “ She asks, even though Lexa’s eyes are red and puffy and her nose is running.
“Holy fuck, you’re crying! “ Clarke repeats, this time even louder. She scoots over to Lexa, making the goat run away, and hugs her. She ignores the feeling of her skin burning as she touches Lexa.
“What happened? “ Clarke asks and Lexa just points to the forest. They’re sitting a little higher up than the forest, so they can look down at it. Clarke notices the big patch of black in the middle of all the green.
“Shit, “ She whispers. “It’ll grow back soon, Lexa. It’s fine. Why… “ She begins but stops herself. If Lexa’s not telling her why she’s upset right away, then she won’t tell her at all. And even though Clarke hates that, she has to respect it.
So they sit there, on the field with the burnt grass in the spots that Lexa’s touched, and looks out over the fields and the forest. They don’t say anything, they don’t do anything. Clarke keeps at least one arm around Lexa, she’s not too happy about her shirt anyway, it’s okay if it traps the smell of smoke or gets a little burnt mark.
As long as she’s sitting next to Lexa, she doesn’t care. She’s missed this so much.