Costia The Young Lover
Chapter 47 : Costia The Young Lover
Song : Bad Blood by Sleeping At Last
It was going to be a good day, Lexa could feel it. She was already awake, and was watching Clarke sleep. She carefully put a strand of hair back behind the Blonde’s ear so she could see her beautiful face better. Because really, Clarke was beautiful. Lexa had to admit; she had not seen a lot of prettier women than Clarke. Costia had been pretty; that was true, with sparkling brown eyes and auburn wide curls and her childish smile.
But Clarke, Clarke... Clarke was beautiful. Mesmerizing. Her eyes, as blue as the sea, were captivating; so full of life, and Lexa wanted to drown in it. Clarke’s mysterious and cocky smile was the thing Lexa loved the most. Everything in Clarke, really. She had loved Costia, of course she had, with all her soul; but with Clarke, it was different. Even stronger. Like they were meant to be.
Clarke had awoken a few seconds earlier, and was watching Lexa lost in her thoughts. It was funny; and Lexa was so far gone she hadn’t noticed Clarke’s blue eyes focused on her.
Clarke ran a hand along the Brunette’s jaw, finally snapping her back in reality. Lexa shyly hid her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck when she noticed Clarke fixing her.
Clarke laughed as Lexa was putting light kisses on her neck. “Where are you going, silly?”
Lexa looked up, a sincere smile on her face. Then, she remembered she had told Clarke about wanting to talk about Costia with her. She frowned, and Clarke noticed.
“Hey, Lexa” Clarke gently said, running a hand on Lexa’s face, “What is it?”
“I want to explain everything to you” Lexa confessed, “About her. I want you to know everything I know, I do, but...” Lexa trailed off. The truth was that Lexa was afraid of Clarke going away once Lexa would start talking about Costia. After all, it was her fault Costia had died; because Lexa hadn’t kept her safe. And what would Clarke think when Lexa would explain how much she cared for her dead lover? And right now, the one thing Lexa feared the most was Clarke leaving.
“Lexa” Clarke said, adjusting herself on her elbow, guessing what was upsetting Lexa, “I am ready to hear everything you want to tell me, anything, really” she smiled, “I won’t judge you, I promise” Clarke added, “I want to know about your past so we can think of our future” She explained with a kiss on Lexa’s cheek, “I love you, and I’ll still be there when you’ll be done talking”.
Lexa weakly nodded, tears gathering in her eyes. “Okay” She said, trying to steady her voice. “So, where to start?” She half-laughed, making Clarke smile.
“I met Costia in first year of College. She was in my math class, and she had trouble with it. As I was the best in class, the teacher asked me to help her” Lexa explained.
“Of course you were the best in math, nerd” Clarke joked, making Lexa smile and stuck her tongue out to the Blonde.
“Lexa, maybe you could help Costia with the exercises?” The teacher suggests at their third lesson.
Lexa nods; she is after all the best in this class so far and she will gladly help anyone with difficulties. Useless to add that she finds Costia very pretty, though.
Costia gets up from her chair to sit in the one next to Lexa’s, dropping her books on the table with a big bang, startling Lexa a little. Of course, Lexa will not admit she is amused by Costia’s behaviour.
“Hi, I’m Costia Leaf” Costia says with a charming smile, holding her hand for Lexa to shake.
“Lexa Woods” Lexa answers back, shaking briefly the hand.
“Woods? Do you have an older sister? My brother is friend with a Woods” Costia asks, interest clearly written in her eyes.
Lexa is a bit surprised, but answers nonetheless. “No sister, but my cousin, yes. Anya Woods”.
Costia hums and opens her book without asking any other questions. The teacher starts to explain an exercise, and Lexa is surprised when Costia writes down everything the teacher says without making any mistakes. Even Lexa can’t do it so correctly.
Lexa finds it weird, so she pretends she has not seen a thing and focuses on the lesson the teacher is giving.
A bit later, the teacher gives them another exercise to do on their own. Lexa quickly does it, of course, but is surprised that Costia has finished it as well. It was a tough exercise, this one.
“You finished it?” Lexa asks, surprised.
“Yeah” Costia says, as if it was a normal thing. But it is not, because she is supposed to have trouble with math. Right?
“Did you not need my help?” Lexa asks again, surprised even more.
“What?” Costia says, as if she has no idea about what Lexa is talking about, and then widens her eyes, finally understanding, “Oh! No, I don’t need help in math, I’m the best at it” She shrugs her shoulders with a smirk, “I just wanted to talk to you” she winks at Lexa who almost blushes. Almost.
“She knew how to charm a lady, your Costia” Clarke said, a smirk on her face after Lexa told her how they met.
“Yes, she did” Lexa confirmed, smiling. “We grew close really quickly” Lexa started to explain again, “First loves, you know?”
It’s been half a year since Costia and Lexa met. Lexa loves to spend time with Costia. She doesn’t really understand why, but it’s ok because Costia is really cool and kind and pretty. Sometimes, she dreams she’s kissing Costia on the lips, or hugging her at night. She did not say that to Costia, though.
Their favourite place is under the bleachers, when the football players and cheerleaders are training. Costia always says it’s because she likes watching the cheerleaders train; she wants to become one, next year. Lexa thinks it’s cool, because she agrees with almost everything Costia does or says, but Lexa knows she’d rather play football than being a cheerleader. Costia says it’s ok, but it’s sad because there’s no football feminine team in their college.
Today is no different. They are under the bleachers, eating their lunches, talking lightly and watching the athletes train. But then, Lexa feels like she is under someone’s stare; Costia is watching her with a weird expression, maybe like she is trying to read her mind.
“What?” Lexa timidly asks.
“Lexa, you know I am gay right?” Costia says.
“Yes?” Lexa nods, but she doesn’t understand what Costia is talking about.
“Do you know what that means?” Costia asks again.
“Yes Costia” Lexa rolls her eyes playfully, “I’m not seven”.
“So you know I like pretty girls like you...” Costia trails off.
Lexa’s heart jumps suddenly in her chest, but she’s not sure why and she tries to hide it. Does this mean Costia finds her pretty? Does this mean Costia likes her, likes her? So she simply nods, waiting for Costia’s next move.
“What about you?” Costia asks as Lexa says nothing.
“About me...?” Lexa is beginning to freak out a bit. She doesn’t know where it’s going, and she is afraid of misunderstandings.
“Yes. What do you like?” Costia says, watching Lexa with the same weird expression.
Lexa knows what she likes. Who she likes. But she’s afraid to say it out loud. But then, she sees something in Costia’s eyes. Love, maybe. Expectations, for sure. Hope. So she opens her mouth.
“I like you” Lexa blurts out, out of nowhere. By reflex, she almost covers her mouth but keeps herself from doing so at the last second. She doesn’t want Costia to think she didn’t mean the words.
Lexa watches as Costia’s face discreetly lights up. After all, maybe it was the answer Costia wanted to hear.
“So, what are you waiting for?” Costia asks with a half-smile, cocking her head to the side.
Lexa doesn’t think; she puts both her hands on Costia’s face, and kisses her on the lips. It turned out to them dating all through college.
“You were a baby gay!” Clarke explained, laughing at Lexa.
“Was not!” Lexa protested, nudging Clarke in the shoulder.
“Come on, you totally were” Clarke smirked.
Lexa huffed, admitting she kind of was. “Yeah, well, maybe.”
Clarke smiled at Lexa’s behaviour, and adjusts herself. “So, what happened next?”
“Well” Lexa said, putting herself on her back, “We dated all through college. A few fights – like that time she thought I’d rather date a guy –“ Lexa chuckled, “But otherwise, everything went smoothly. I never met her family, though” Lexa said. “Her mother was unknown, her father had died before we met, and her stepmother sounded like a terrible woman, whom Costia hated. Her brother, who she was close to in first year of college, moved away from his own mother and never came back”.
“Did they not had the same mother?” Clarke asked, not sure to understand.
“No. He was her stepbrother. Same father, different mothers” Lexa said, telling Clarke what she knew.
“We graduated college together” Lexa continued, “And moved in together, in Polis”.
“Were you already CEO then?” Clarke asked.
“Yeah” Lexa nodded, “I became CEO at eighteen, but I was only doing a part-time thing with it, as I was in college” Lexa explained. “I fully became CEO after graduating. It caused a few troubles of course, especially with Nia who wanted my place, but Costia and I were able to dodge every attack she would throw at us, and Costia was supportive of me, so it was ok”.
Clarke hummed, showing Lexa she had understood.
“We started a life together” Lexa confessed with a small voice, nostalgia filling her voice, “and we quickly settled into our new life. Maybe too quickly”.
Clarke said nothing; she was waiting for Lexa to talk, whenever she would be ready too. She knew it was a difficult thing to talk about, and she didn’t want to rush Lexa into it.
“I was busy, so so busy” Lexa continued, “and she was too, with her new job and everything, but I was.. Not there, for her, for us” Lexa’s voice was almost a whisper now. “We didn’t see it coming, and soon, we were barely talking to each other, or even seeing each other. I didn’t notice” Lexa’s voice almost broke, “And I was so busy I didn’t think about it, but it was hurting Costia”.
Lexa took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She relaxed when she felt Clarke’s hand on her forearm. Clarke was here. She was not alone.
“I was always leaving very early, coming home super late. She was eating on her own, living on her own. And it was eating her alive” Lexa murmured. She still blamed herself for this; to not have seen it coming, to not having understood her lover’s pain, to be the one who made her college lover feel this way. For everything that went wrong after it.
“I was causing her so much pain, but because she loved me, she never said a thing” the Brunette whispered, “Until she couldn’t take it anymore”.
Lexa made a pause, and Clarke stopped breathing. This was it. Lexa was going to tell her how things ended.
“One night, I, hum, I came home super late even though I had promised her to come home early” Lexa started.
Lexa pushes the door open, sighing when she thinks about her day. She’s so tired she even considers going to bed without eating.
But as she puts her briefcase on the ground, she frowns. It smells like candles’ smoke, and she notices the little lights all over the place, the roses in a vase, the lonely plate on the table with food which looks cold. She takes her coat off, and walks into the apartment, looking for Costia.
“Costia?” Lexa calls, before stopping when she spots her lover on the couch, cheeks strained with tears and eyes so red Lexa wonders if Costia can see anything at all.
“Costia...?” Lexa asks again, very confused and her heart breaking at the sight of her girlfriend crying her eyes out.
But what scares Lexa the most is the determination in Costia’s eyes, the acceptance. “Costia, talk to me” Lexa whispers, sitting next to her on the couch.
But as she goes to take Costia’s hand in hers, Costia withdraws her hand, breaking Lexa’s heart a bit more.
“Now, you want to talk” Costia chuckles sadly.
“I don’t understand...” Lexa is lost; she had no idea why Costia is like this, and why she looks so sad.
“You don’t remember, do you?” Costia asks, a pained expression clearly written on her face. “You forgot.”
Lexa frowns, because she doesn’t see what she could have forgotten. Costia didn’t ask her to bring groceries supplies. It’s Thursday, so it’s not “ice-cream in the park sitting on their bench” day. It’s Thursday, the 22th of February so... And Lexa’s eyes widen. It’s their first kiss anniversary. The day they first dated. They celebrate it each year.
“Yeah, it’s our anniversary Lexa” Costia confirms, seeing that Lexa has understood. “You promised you would be home early. When you said yes to me this morning, I thought you knew why”.
Lexa doesn’t know what to say. She has no excuses. “Costia, I am so, so sorry...” She tries, but Costia stops her quickly.
“That’s the thing, Lexa” The brown-eyed woman says, “You’re always sorry. I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be there, with me. You realise we have not had a meal together for almost three weeks, right?”
Lexa opens her mouth to protest, but then she realises it’s true. The last time they ate together was when Anya was there. It was three weeks ago indeed, and it was not only the both of us. Once again, she’s sorry.
“Costia...”
“Lexa, are you not in love with me anymore?” Costia breaks into tears again, asking the question which consumes her mind for a couple of months.
“What? Of course I am in love with you!” Lexa jumps to catch Costia’s hands, “I love you, with all my heart, with all my soul, you know I do” She whispers.
Lexa is clueless. She has no idea what to say, what to do. She doesn’t know what Costia thinks, what she needs.
“So why are you never home with me?” Costia cries even more.
“Costia, I’m sorry, I’m very busy at work, I do not see time passing by and...” Lexa tries to justify herself, but she’s cut off.
“But you should! Lexa you should look up to the time to come home to me! You should find your day endless, You should only want one thing, to go home!” Costia raises her voice, getting very upset and frustrated. It’s not totally against Lexa because she knows her job asks a lot of her, but still, it hurts her so much that Lexa is this oblivious.
“But I...”
“It’s like your job is more important to you than me!” Costia says again.
Lexa flinches. “It’s not fair, Costia, you know I didn’t want the job! Do you think I wanted to inherit of twelve companies? I never asked for it and you know that!” Lexa raises her voice too.
“So why did you accept it?” Costia answers back, putting distance between herself and Lexa, “Why did you?”
“I...” But Lexa stops, because she hasn’t a proper answer. She took the job because it was her responsibility.
“I could understand if you loved your job, Lexa, as I understand that you feel like you have to do it” Costia says, her voice way calmer, “But you should love me more. You should be focused on me, first”.
“Costia, don’t...” Lexa barely whispers, sensing what Costia is going to do. She has a bad feeling. And Lexa’s instinct never fails.
Costia gets up, wiping her face with her hands. “I think we need time apart, Lexa” her voice breaks, “To figure out what is more important for us”.
Costia grabs her coats and half-puts her shoes on, while Lexa cannot think about what to say, what to do.
“Costia, please...” Lexa gets up too, heading towards Costia to keep her from going.
“I know you love me” Costia says, barely getting the words out, “But loving someone isn’t enough. You have to actually show it to the other one, Lexa”.
Costia waits for an answer, who doesn’t come. So she opens the door, and goes out in the dark, rainy and cold night.
It takes Lexa only the bang of the closed door to understand that she made the biggest mistake ever.
“I love you!” Lexa shouts to no one, before falling to her knees, her body ravaged with sobs.
Lexa had buried her head into Clarke’s body, as if she was trying to shield herself.
“That’s the last words I said to her. And she didn’t even heard them” Clarke heard Lexa whisper against her skin.
“Costia saying you need to show the love instead of just “loving”. Is it why you were scared of not telling me you love me enough?” Clarke asked instead.
She felt Lexa nod in her neck, and began drawing circles on her back, as Lexa had done so many times for her.
“Costia ran away in the night. I had no idea where she was, but as she had a lot of friends in Polis, I figured she would go sleep at someone’s place” Lexa began talking again. “I didn’t worry when I heard nothing from her, the whole night. I didn’t even worry for her in the morning. Well” Lexa corrected, “I was worried about where she was, but I thought she just didn’t want to tell me, which I could understand”.
Lexa moved a bit so Clarke could hear her better.
“They called me later, the next day. The police. To tell me they had found her body. She had been kidnapped in the night, and probably tortured” Lexa dropped.
Clarke didn’t move, and watched Lexa very carefully.
“I didn’t want to believe them, but I knew. Deep down, I knew she was gone” Lexa murmurs, tears gathering in her eyes.
Clarke tightened her hold on her, no knowing what else she could do, because really, there was nothing to be done.
“Once I saw her body to identify her, her beautiful now bruised and torn body, I knew Nia was responsible. And I...” Lexa stopped, trying to steady her voice, “And I turned everything off. My emotions, my sensibility. I pushed everyone away. Even Anya, but well, she still stayed by my side” Lexa said.
“Nia did this?” Clarke asked.
“Yes. I couldn’t find any proof, though” Lexa explained, “But I know she did it. I know she ordered it. Love is weakness, and that she proved to me by using Costia to get to me”.
Clarke shifted in the bed so she could be face to face with Lexa. “Do you really believe love is weakness?”
“I did” Lexa confessed, getting the words out in a whisper, “But not anymore”.
Lexa focused on Clarke’s blue eyes as Clarke was analysing the green eyes. “Your love, Clarke, is strength. It could never be weakness”.
Clarke smiled, caressing Lexa’s cheek as gently as she could.
“And even if you die” Lexa whispers, “You wouldn’t be my weakness. You’d still be my strength”.
“I won’t die” Clarke said back, trying to reassure her.
“Good. Because you’re not allowed to” Lexa whispers, a tiny smile escaping her lips.
Clarke smiled back, and closed the gap between them to kiss her lover on the lips. That’s the time little Ayden chose to burst into the room and jump onto the girls, yelling his lungs out.
“WAKE UP MOMMIES! IT’S BREAKFAST TIME!”
They both laughed, hugging the little man. Lexa thought about everything she had told Clarke. She was glad she had opened up to her.
And now, she was ready to let Costia go. She would never forget her. The past was past, and the dead were physically gone, but Ayden and Clarke... Those two were fully alive.
And Lexa wanted to fully live with them.