Forgotten Things
Song : Blue Christmas by The Lumineers
A week had passed by in a blur since the first time Clarke had seen her friends back, and this week had been a hard one for the blonde; Lexa had been at work every day –because she had a lot of work to do as the past weeks hadn’t been very productive for her- and Clarke had had to deal with the police about Finn without Lexa being there with her. Thankfully, Raven and Octavia had come by almost every day to be with Clarke while Lexa was away, and Raven even went to the police station with Monty and Clarke to give them the pictures of Clarke’s body Lexa had taken.
Octavia had seen Clarke two days after Raven and Lincoln, and the black-haired girl had cried her eyes off when she had seen Clarke’s scars running all over her body. She had begged Clarke to forgive her for being so angry with her in the past, and Clarke had hugged her hard, telling her there was nothing to forgive.
The only ones Clarke hadn’t seen yet were Maya and Jasper (because of their work), Murphy and Emori (because they weren’t that close to the blonde and they didn’t want to suffocate her. She hadn’t see Bellamy, either. He had been very busy all week with the police; at least it was what Raven and Octavia had said, and Clarke was pretty sure they had kept him from coming to Lexa’s to see her. Clarke wasn’t mad at them about that; in fact, she was relieved she hadn’t seen him yet. Not because they disliked each other, because it was the contrary; Bellamy was Clarke’s best friend, and they had worked so well together in the past... But seeing him so soon? She wasn’t ready, not yet. She couldn’t handle the look he would have on his face, she couldn’t deal with the fact that he would get angry at the second he would lay his eyes on her and she didn’t need him to be angry. She wanted him just to tell her that everything would be alright, she wanted him to take her in his arms and tell her he would protect them for now. But she was guessing the Bellamy she wanted was only living in her head. The Bellamy she knew would get angry and yell at Finn and look for revenge/justice and she was tired, so tired of all the fight....
The nightmares hadn’t stopped. Clarke would wake up almost every night screaming or panting or chocking with her own saliva. Lexa had slept on the couch the first nights, getting into bed with Clarke every time the girl would wake up.
Lexa had done this the first two nights. And then, Lexa, Clarke and Ayden had spent every night together in Lexa’s bed, snuggled in each other, safe under the blankets. Clarke and Ayden had always been there impatiently waiting for Lexa when she would come home from work; and Lexa had always worn a beamed smile when she would hear laughers in her loft before entering it; the sign they were still here.
Today was different though. It was Saturday afternoon, and it was the 24th of December. Ayden had been excited about it all week, thinking about Santa and Christmas tree and decorations all over Polis City. Clarke had even suggested for her friends to come eat at Lexa’s tonight, and Lexa had been happy Clarke had been the one to suggest it. If Clarke was opening herself more, there was some progress and Lexa was thrilled about it. It meant that Clarke would be soon herself again. Smiling and laughing and joking around and lightening the room, and maybe, maybe the three of them would get somewhere, when everything would be better.
Today, the three of them had overslept and had had breakfast for lunch; Ayden had been super happy to do this, and had begged Lexa to do that every Saturday, jumping all around the brunette. Of course Lexa had laughed, and when Clarke had laughed too, Lexa had just wanted to kiss her so hard she was having a really hard time holding herself back.
“Yexa, look! Mommy has nutella all over her face!” Ayden giggled, showing Clarke’s face with his fingers.
Clarke blushed, and Lexa found it adorable.
“Stop laughing or the tickle monster will come” Clarke threatened her son, whose eyes immediately widened in semi-fear.
“No Mommy please, not the tickling monster!” Ayden tried to hide behind Lexa, but the brunette put herself aside, leaving room for Clarke to reach her son.
The trio soon found itself lying on the floor, totally laughing their asses off.
“Mommy!” Ayden shouted suddenly getting up on his feet, “we don’t have a Christmas tree!” he then jumped around Lexa still shouting, “Yexa please can we go get a Christmas tree? Yexaaa!”
And Lexa froze on spot. The Christmas tree. It was Christmas tonight. She hadn’t seen that day coming. How could she had forgotten about this? And in a single second, thousands of memories were rushing to her mind; Costia playing in the snow, laughing at Lexa who had fell on ice, Costia almost dropping the plastic star to put on the top of the tree, Costia giving her a fuming cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. How could she had forgotten about this for the last weeks? HOW?
“Lexa...?” Clarke cautiously asked, noticing Lexa’s rigidness.
But Lexa didn’t say a word, eyes wild open. Costia. Costia’s favourite moment of the year was going out to pick the best Christmas tree possible. Lexa was seeing her running between the trees laughing because Lexa would always complain about how ridiculous looking for a tree for hours was. Lexa had forgotten about this. She had never forgotten about anything. For years.
“Yexa?” Ayden asked too, gently tugging at the brunette’s sleeve.
But Lexa couldn’t think. Her mind was paralyzed. It was all too much. “I have to go”, Lexa whispered, suddenly taking her coat and running out of the flat, leaving Clarke and Ayden standing in the middle of the living-room, as a familiar song was going on her mind.
I'll have a Blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't mean a thing dear, if you're not here with me...
Anya was in her flat, looking at some stuff for work when her phone buzzed. She frowned, because Raven was calling; Raven had never called her, and Anya wasn’t ready to reach that step yet. Or was she already ready to marry the girl? Anya quickly shook her head to get rid of those stupid thoughts and picked up the call. She didn’t want to miss it, okay?
“Raven?”
“Yeah Anya it’s me, I’m sorry for disturbing you but this is an emergency...” Raven trailed off, and suddenly Anya was worried.
“What? What’s going on? Are you ok?”
“I’m fine but it’s Clarke. Well, it’s Lexa actually”
“What? What about Lexa?” Anya was starting to worry a lot now.
“I don’t know, Clarke called a minute ago crying because Lexa had suddenly left the loft without saying anything, she doesn’t understand” Raven tried to explain, but it was hard doing so because she herself hadn’t figured out everything Clarke had said.
“Lexa would never do that, I don’t get it!” Anya raised a brow, completely taken aback by what Raven was telling her.
“Listen An I’m on my way to Lexa’s place, can you come too?” Raven asked, and Anya was quick to say she would be there soon.
While driving to Lexa’s, Anya had a thousand thoughts running through her mind; Lexa was in complete adoration with Clarke and Ayden, why had she left like this? It wasn’t making any sense... Anya absently looked at the streets; Christmas decorations were glowing, and trees were.... Christmas fucking tree, Anya thought, something striking her. They were supposed to do Christmas at Lexa’s place tonight; Clarke or Ayden should have asked Lexa for a tree, triggering her. Stupid fucking Christmas tree, Anya thought again. It was not Anya’s place to explain why Lexa had problems with Christmas trees –maybe even with Christmas in general- but she knew. She knew why Lexa had left. Costia.
Lexa was walking through the streets, barely looking at where she was going. Everything was blank in her mind. Actually, no it was not. Millions of thoughts were passing through her, memories, pictures of old good times, sounds she used to love and cherish. The smile Costia had always worn. Her eyes, glowing when she had been happy. Her voice, so soft, and delicate, and exquisite and... Costia was everything. Had been, everything. And now... Now Lexa had nothing, because Costia was gone. And she was alone, so all alone... Suddenly, Lexa threw up, missing her own shoes for a few centimetres.
Lexa wiped her mouth, a weird taste on her lips, and continued walking without destination. Although she did have a destination; her safe place, where she was going when she just wanted to die and be with her again. A few minutes later, Lexa was sitting on an old green bench.
It was not any bench, nah; it was their bench. The bench behind Coalition Corp’s bigger building, the bench where she had seen Costia for the very first time. The bench where she had kissed her for the first time. The bench where Costia and her and first said “I love you” to each other. The bench where Costia had left her crying, because Lexa was negligent with her because of her work. The bench Lexa had waited for Costia for three hours, after their big fight. The bench when she had received a call. THE call. The bench Lexa had slept on for hours before Anya had found her and had brought her home. The bench Lexa had never come back to, after that day.
Two years. She hadn’t come here for two years, and nothing had changed, except that maybe the green painting was clearer, perhaps because of the weather and time.
Lexa sat down on the bench, looking around. It was all the same. Except she was alone, this time.
I'll have a blue heartache for certain
And when those blue memories starts hurtin'
You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas....
Anya had arrived a few minutes earlier in the loft, and was trying to calm everyone down. Clarke had stopped crying -in fact she hadn’t been crying when Anya had arrived- but was rather quite, and Raven was afraid she was shutting herself down while she was locking herself up into Lexa’s room.
“Hey Raven, take this” Anya said, giving the girl a fuming cup of coffee.
“Black?”
“As black as possible” Anya answered, smiling.
It made Raven smile too, and if Anya wasn’t looking at her, she would have face-palmed herself. What was that? That was surely the worst flirt in the whole human history. And what game were they playing anyways?! Raven was supposed to take care of Ayden and Clarke, not badly flirt with Lexa’s older cousin. And Anya was supposed to make sure Lexa was ok, not stupidly smile at Clarke’s friend like this.
The both of them shook her head so they could focus on something really important. Anya got out of the living-room to try to call Lexa –again- even if she knew she wouldn’t probably answer, while Raven was taking Ayden in her arms to try to calm him down.
“Shhhh, Ayden, it’s okay” Raven was whispering, “don’t cry buddy”.
But Ayden was inconsolable; Lexa had left. She said she would never. She had lied, and she had broken a promise to him. For Ayden and Clarke, promises were sacred, because if they were not, what was the point of making them if you could break them this easily? Adults were mean. They were complicated, and they were false. They were lying about everything, and it wasn’t fair, because he was told to never lie. Why give children rules if it was to break them right after?
“Leave me!” Ayden suddenly shouted, getting rid of Raven’s arms, and ran towards the spare room, leaving Raven shocked and frozen on spot. Ayden had never said no to a hug or anything. He had never acted like this. What Lexa had done on him?
Anya was coming back into the living-room, and frowned when she noticed the look on Raven’s face. Sad. Disappointed.
“Raven? What’s wrong?” Anya asked, a bit worried.
“It’s Ayden. I think his trust in us is broken” Raven whispered, tears forming in her eyes.
Anya gave Raven a sympathetic smile. She had seen, more than Raven, how Lexa and Ayden had been together. Lexa was Ayden’s hero. And now, she had left him in a single move, breaking every piece of trust he had put in her. Anya could understand the boy, in some way. Trust was sacred.
“What do we do?” Raven then asked, and Anya shrugged, because she had no idea.
Of course she was guessing where Lexa was, but she didn’t know if she would come back on her own or if Anya was supposed to go look for her. And now, what were Clarke and Ayden going to do? They were living here for almost a month now, could they stay while Lexa was gone? Would Lexa even want them here when she would come back?
“Raven, where do you live?” Anya asked.
“Arcadia building. Why?”
“Do Octavia and Lincoln live there too?” Anya asked then.
“Yeah, every one of us has a flat there. Why?” Raven raised a brow, because those were weird questions to ask now.
“Does Clarke has a flat too?” Anya insisted.
“Yeah, but why...” Raven trailed as she found the answer to her own question. “You’re asking me if Clarke could come to live with us again.”
“Yes”. Anya nodded.
Raven clenched her teeth, because yes, they would still have a place to live within Arcadia with the rest of the group, but she knew it was the last thing Clarke wanted. “In theory, yes”, Raven answered.
“In theory?” It was Anya’s turn to raise a brow.
“Clarke doesn’t want Ayden to be near the violence surrounding Arcadia. That’s the reason she didn’t come to us when she was in trouble in the first place” Raven sighed, sitting on the couch because her leg was starting to hurt.
And Anya raised her brow again, because why was there violence around their building? Polis was a quite city, was it not?
“Violence?”
“Drug dealers. Maybe some Mafia hideout too. Guns and fights every week” Raven shrugged.
Anya’s eyes widened, because she had never heard those things. “Where the fuck do you live?”
“Skaikru territory” Raven answered, and Anya understood. No one knew what was going on over there. People were saying it was quite and nothing ever happened. Apparently, it wasn’t the case.
“Why don’t you tell the police, so they could do something?” Anya asked.
“Octavia’s –you know, Lincoln’s girlfriend- brother is a cop, and at the police station no one want to move against the mafia nor Skaikru gangs” Raven sighed, because she and the whole group were trying to make things change for quite some years now.
“It’s unacceptable, if Lexa was here...” Anya stated only to be interrupted by Raven.
“But Lexa isn’t here, is she?” Raven glared at Anya with a clear tone of reproach in her voice.
Anya didn’t say anything, just nodded, because Raven was right at some point. “So, what do we do?” Anya asked.
Raven sighed, and got her phone out of her pocket. “I’ll ask the group to make sure Clarke’s flat is ok for them to live in”. Anya nodded again, and went to check on Ayden. Clarke was still locked up in the other bedroom, but it was more Raven’s job than Anya’s. Anya could deal with Ayden.
Anya approached the room and lightly knocked on the door. “Ayden? You’re here?”
“I don’t want to talk” said a tiny shaky voice.
Anya entered the bedroom and closed the door behind her. “Ayden, I know you’re hurt. But you’re not alone” Anya whispered to the boy, cautionary passing her hand through his hair.
“Lexa left”, the boy whined, sniffing into his sleeve, “she said she wouldn’t”.
And Anya’s heart broke, because she had seen them just “be” together. Those two were meant to spend their lives together, they were perfect and Anya had no doubts Lexa could be a great mother with him (of course she knew they were not there yet with Clarke, but she had hints it would one day be).
“You know Ayden, Lexa is no god”, Anya gently said, “Sometimes she can be hurt too”.
Ayden raised his head with curiosity. “Why is she hurt?”
Anya didn’t respond right away, because she didn’t really know if she could explain it to a kid, or if she even had the right to do so. It was Lexa’s story, after all. But Ayden seemed so sad she decided Lexa would forgive her for telling him.
“Lexa had someone she really cared about”, Anya started while Ayden was looking at her, listening very carefully, “she was very close with that person. But one day, that person died”.
Ayden’s eyes widened. “The person died? Why?”
“We don’t really know, but Lexa was very sad because it was a really very important person to her” Anya continued, “and sometimes she is still sad about it, because things remember Lexa of her”.
“Lexa is sad because sometimes she thinks about that person?” Ayden asked.
“Yes, exactly”.
Ayden hummed, and it made Anya smile, because the kid seemed to understand everything Anya was saying.
“How was she called? The person?” Ayden asked.
“Her name was Costia” Anya answered, “and Costia loved Christmas, it was her favourite event in the year” Anya smiled and Ayden smiled too because it was his favourite feast too, “so when Lexa figured out it was Christmas tonight, she remembered Costia, and that made her very sad”.
“That’s why she left me?” Ayden said with a pout. Not because he was upset about it, but more because he was sad Lexa had been upset because of Christmas.
“Yes” Anya whispered, internally prying to be right about that.
“Okay” Ayden hummed, burying his head in Anya’s chest. If Anya was surprised as hell, she tried not to show it.
Raven on the contrary, who had been leaning on the frame door after talking with Clarke, had been watching the two of them for a few minutes now with some tears on her cheeks.
Anya noticed her, and frowned, silently mouthing “are you ok?”. Raven nodded, wiping her tears and pointing Ayden and Anya, showing her what had made her emotional. Anya then noticed Ayden had fallen asleep, so she removed him from her and went back into the living-room with Raven.
“I called the others. They say the flat is ready, they took care of everything and removed all of Finn’s stuff” Raven said with disgusted face. Anya nodded, agreeing with this; she didn’t know the entire story –she didn’t know anything about it actually beside the fact Finn had beat Clarke up- but she knew removing Finn’s things was a good idea.
“Ok then” Anya murmured. “What about security? You said...”
Don’t worry about it” Raven said, “Octavia is taking care of it”.
Anya nodded although she didn’t know what Octavia could do against dealer gangs and street violence.
“Clarke is ok to leave. Do you mind dropping us there?” Raven asked.
“No of course” Anya then said.
Raven went into the spare room to take the sleeping boy in her arms while Anya was putting Clarke’s bags into her car.
And when those blue heartaches start hurtin'
I'll have a blue memory for certain
And you'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas
You'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas....
(Lexa’s, Clarke’s and Ayden’s song: You Know It by Colony House)
An hour ago. Lexa was still sitting on the bench, completely lost in her thoughts, eyes closed and occasionally a tear was rolling down her cheek. She was missing Costia so damn much, she was craving her, she was craving her touch, her voice, and she was missing the light in those blue eyes. It was funny, because Costia’s eyes were a dark blue, like an ocean blue or a lightly night blue, or maybe even and it was funny because Clarke’s eyes were a lot clearer than Costia’s like a sky blue and...
Clarke. Clarke was back at her place. Lexa’s eyes shot open. She had run away from her loft, when she had left Clarke and Ayden alone, without explanations. Lexa quickly got her phone out of her pocket; she had seven missed calls from Anya. “Shit”, Lexa swore. What had she been thinking, running off like that? She couldn’t do that to them! They didn’t trust a lot of people, and Lexa couldn’t break their trust like this!
She tried to call Anya back, but fell on the voicemail. She sighed and looked through the app pages. Then, she smiled. Her wallpaper was a picture she had took after their dance party, the week before. The three of them were smiling. Lexa smiled even more, because they were probably still waiting for her at home.
Take that picture from that frame
I put it in my pocket so that every day you're with me
I keep you close to my heart
Give me one more kiss before the boys arrive
Nashville to San Francisco is a hell of a drive
But don't worry, the Lord is good when the road is wrong
She got up, determined to get home as soon as she could. But first, she needed to buy a Christmas tree. Ayden had been very excited about it, after all. Lexa laughed alone at the thought of seeing the boy’s face next to the Christmas tree, and as their song was playing in her mind, she began to run, a smile still written on her face.
And we'll be back before you know, you know it
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I said you know, you know it
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Woo
“Ok so the car’s ready!” Anya yelled to Raven. When she saw that Clarke, Raven and Ayden weren’t coming out of the apartment, she went inside herself to see Clarke struggling to leave the place. Raven was explaining to her that Arcadia was safe, that everything was ready for them, but Clarke seemed reluctant.
“Come on Clarke, Octavia and some guys of her team, will be there...!” Raven encouraged her, but the blonde was convinced at all.
Suddenly, a noise was heard, and the front door swung open.
Clarke’s, Anya’s and Raven’s eyes widened as someone entered the loft. Hm, something actually. It was green and bushy and... A tree? Was it a tree? Like a Christmas tree?
“Lexa” then said Anya, recognising her cousin.
“Hi” the brunette said back, carrying a very green Christmas tree.