We Are All Broken
Song : Riptide Cover by Mark Wilkinson
“Hi” the brunette said, stabilizing the tree she was holding.
Anya’s eyes widened. Lexa was back, and with... a tree? Clarke on the other hand, was in complete shock. Lexa was back, and she didn’t seemed angry or upset or anything. In the contrary, she was wearing a shy smile on her lips, her cheeks a little red from the cold. Lexa was back. Clarke didn’t say anything and went back into the bedroom, shutting the door with a big bang. Lexa’s smile disappeared immediately at the thought of the blonde being mad at her.
Anya and Raven had recovered from their initial surprise, and Anya approached her cousin, an eyebrow raised.
“You’re here” Anya stated.
“Yes” Lexa said with a nodded.
“With a tree” the older cousin stated again.
“A Christmas tree” Lexa nodded with a smile on her face.
“You bought a Christmas tree. On your own” Anya said, still not believing it.
And Lexa nodded again as Raven didn’t understand the secret language those two were apparently speaking. Then, Lexa noticed Ayden in Raven’s arms. The boy was slowly awakening from all the noise Lexa had made in coming into the house and was rubbing his eyes.
At the sight of the boy hugging Raven’s neck, Lexa felt jealousy spreading all over her body. She should be the one reassuring him. Carrying him in her arms.
She tried to make a step towards him, because she knew he would be thrilled to see her, but suddenly Anya took a step in front of her, blocking the way, as Ayden was turning his head to deny the fact Lexa was here.
Lexa’s heart hurt as if something had strike it, and she threw a “give me an explanation” look at her cousin. “Anya?” Lexa asked to know why her cousin was blocking the way.
“Listen,” Anya whispered while Raven was taking Ayden into the living room, “you left them without saying anything Lexa. They are both upset”
“But....” Lexa tried to protest, because Anya knew well why she had run away.
“There’s no but for them Lex” Anya explained, “you promised Ayden you wouldn’t leave him....”
“But I did leave him” Lexa realised, her eyes widened.
“But you did” Anya nodded, “they didn’t know about Costia, and....”
“Did?” Lexa asked, not sure to have heard well.
“Yeah hum, I may have told Ayden...” Anya confessed.
Lexa shot her a death glare, because it was absolutely not Anya’s story to tell.
“You did not see him Lexa” Anya protested, “He was heartbroken! Because he thought you had left him! Lex listen” Anya sighed, “You’re not the only one to have been through hell, OK? And you were adult when Costia died. This kid,” Anya pointed towards the living room, “this kid is five and in those only five years, he had seen his father beat his mother up, he had lived in the streets in the middle of the damn winter, he has a funding scar on his back because of his father!”
“But you don’t understand,” Lexa said, tears willing up in her eyes, “I loved her!” Lexa almost shouted.
“But he loved YOU! He trusted YOU! You’re his fuckin’ superhero Lexa!” Anya shouted back.
Both women stopped taking, completely out of breath. Anya sighed.
“Look, Lexa. I know you’re still hurt. You lost someone you cared so much about, again. And I’m very, very sorry for that. You have the right to be upset about it and to mourn her death and everything, but if you want to do this, you can’t have the two of them at your place. If they are staying here, you need to be here with them. Otherwise, they’ll go back to live with their friends instead of here”.
Understanding ran all over Lexa when she noticed the bags next to the entrance door. “They were leaving” she said with a shaky voice she didn’t know she could have.
“Yes” Anya nodded, “because I didn’t know if you would still like to have them at your place when you’d be back”.
Lexa nodded; she could understand it. But she didn’t want Clarke and Ayden to go away; she wasn’t ready to see them leave. It was too soon, Clarke was still fragile, and she still needed Lexa, didn’t she? Or did Lexa need Clarke?
“What do I do now, Anya?” Lexa sighed, saddened by the fact the two people she had grown attached to were mad at her.
“You’re asking me about relationship?” Anya chuckled, and Lexa laughed, raising her brow at her cousin.
“I don’t know” Lexa shrugged with a smirk on her face, “you seem pretty close with Raven”.
Anya chocked on air, her eyes going wide, “I, no, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I mean, no, Raven and me, no way, I just...” Anya rambled, making Lexa smirk even more.
Anya lowered her head, because there was nothing she could do now to change her cousin’s mind; she was so screwed.
Lexa sighed again, and Anya knew the “funny” moment was gone.
“Just go and talk to them. Fix this” Anya gently suggested.
“But how, Anya?” Lexa whined. She had no idea how to do this.
“Listen to me” Anya said while putting a hand on Lexa’s shoulder, “you want Clarke to open herself to you, right?”
Lexa nodded.
“But you need to open yourself back to her, too” Anya said, “Clarke doesn’t know anything about you, like you don’t know anything about her. The thing is,” Anya continued, “you already know some things she had gone through. She doesn’t know your past; she can’t understand why you ran off.”
Lexa nodded again, because she knew her cousin was right. Anya smiled at her, and gently pushed her to her own bedroom so she would talk to Clarke, before disappearing into the living-room to join Raven and Ayden watching TV.
In front of her bedroom’s door, Lexa heavily breathe in, and out, to give herself courage. “Ok Lexa, you can do this” she murmured to herself.
She slowly knocked on the door, and as no one answered, she carefully pushed the door open. She was kind of relieve Clarke wasn’t crying all her body tears, but the emotionless face the blonde had wasn’t making Lexa feel better though. Lexa gulped when angry blue eyes locked into hers, and Lexa’s heart compressed itself in her chest.
“Clarke” Lexa was just able to say. It was more like she had whispered the word really, and she wasn’t sure Clarke had even heard it.
“If you just wanted us to leave, you could just have said it” Clarke said, snapping at Lexa with anger clearly wrapped all over her voice.
Lexa’s eyes widened, surprised by Clarke’s tone. “No Clarke, that’s not...” She tried to say.
“What is it, then?” Clarke snapped again at the brunette.
Lexa sighed and sat on the bed near Clarke. She didn’t miss the way she girl flinched when sat down.
“I lost someone, a few years ago” Lexa started with a tiny voice. She wasn’t ready to tell the story, in fact she wasn’t sure she would ever be, but she really wanted Clarke to know why she had acted this way. “She... She was very important to me, and I loved her like hum... I loved her” Lexa chuckled at her own lack of proper words. “And then, she suddenly died” Lexa murmured.
Clarke tried to keep her surprise down, silently thanking for the shutters still almost shut. “We had a fight, and she died the same night, after she had ran away from our house” Lexa continued, her voice shaking, “and I’m sorry because some things still remember me of her, like this stupid Christmas tree, did you know I couldn’t go fetch one before because it reminded me too much she wasn’t here to pick it with me because she loved picking the tree?, and then I sat on that special bench of us and I remembered you were there at my place waiting for me and then I went to pick a tree because I thought Ayden would like it but he didn’t even wanted to look at me and then I saw you two were going to leave because of what I did” Lexa was rambling, her voice threatening to broke at any moment.
All that Clarke could do was listen the brunette girl she had grown attached to; she was so amazed about seeing Lexa this vulnerable she almost instantly forgot to breathe.
“And I would understand if you wanted to leave and go back with your friends, so I have to go apologise for Ayden but you are free to leave whenever you want” Lexa added and practically ran off out of the bedroom, not leaving any place for Clarke to talk, leaving the blonde alone and confused about everything Lexa just had said.
But if Clarke could have seen Lexa’s face, she would have understood the girl had ran away that quick not to hear Clarke say she was going to leave.
In the living-room, Ayden was cuddled between Raven and Anya, watching cartoons. Lexa smiled, because despite what Anya had told her, there really was something going on between her and Raven. Lexa could say that just by the way Anya was looking at the other brunette, or the careful look she shot Raven every time she had to stand –probably to be sure Raven wouldn’t fall with her brace-. In the contrary, Lexa could see the awe look on Raven’s face written every time Anya would just look at her. It was kind of sweet to see. Maybe a little gross too, actually.
Lexa heard her cousin cough to bring her attention back from her thoughts. Ayden was looking at her suspiciously, not making any move to come see her or anything. Lexa took a careful step forwards, but when she leaned to took the boy’s hand in hers, Ayden got up and ran off to the spare bedroom where he had been sleeping sometimes.
Raven silently granted her permission to Lexa so she could go after him, and Lexa didn’t wait a minute to go into the other bedroom.
Ayden was lying on his back, arms crossed on his chest, pouting. If Lexa wasn’t that afraid to lose him, she would have certainly laughed at the boy’s behaviour.
“Ayden, I’m sorry for leaving like this earlier” Lexa started, not really knowing what she had to say.
“I’m sorry for Costia” he said, finally looking at the brunette. At his words, Lexa felt tears willing up in her eyes. She couldn’t cry. Not right now.
“I’m sorry for the friends you lost. But you promised me you would protect me” Ayden whimpered, suddenly wiping tears from his tiny cheeks with his sleeve.
Lexa’s heart broke again and she quickly got onto the bed, tugging him in her arms. “I’m so sorry Ayden, I really am” Lexa whispered in his ear, “but I would never leave you more than a few hours if I have a say in it. I’m sorry, I should have told you I was going to come back” Lexa murmured, but was surprised when the boy shrugged his shoulders.
“I knew you would come back. You live here.”
And it made Lexa chuckle, because it was one of the things she had told the boy.
“Beside, you love Mommy. I see it in your eyes. You would never leave her either” Ayden added, looking into shocked green eyes.
In Lexa’s mind, things were running fast. Too fast for her own brain to follow. Lexa never said she loved Clarke. She didn’t even know if she liked her in THAT way. (Of course the last phrase was a lie, because Lexa knew all too well what she was feeling for Clarke, duh).
“But you broke a promise, Yexa. You said you would never. Cwoix de bois cwoix de fer, you said.” Ayden whimpered again.
“I’m sorry, Ayden” Lexa said, because she didn’t know what else to say. Ayden hummed, and buried his face into the crock of Lexa’s neck. “I forgive you” he breathed, and Lexa brought him impossibly closer to her.
Suddenly, Lexa jolted awake; she didn’t even remember falling asleep. When had she fallen asleep? Ayden was still sleeping, and Lexa figured out they had both passed out by fatigue and emotions. Lexa then remembered she had told Clarke she could leave, but now, she wasn’t ready to know the answer. She got up and got out of the bedroom, to find an empty living-room but with a tree installed. It was not decorated yet, though; but someone had taken care of putting him here. She called her cousin a few times, only to discover five minutes later a note on the kitchen table:
Lex,
Since Blondie Ayden and you are all taking a nap, Raven and I are going downtown to find new Christmas decorations for the tree. Yours are old as Mammoth.
PS: Raven said you had to look for the mistletoe.
Lexa smiled at the note. Wait, what? Why had she to look for the mistletoe anyways?
Lexa didn’t heard Clarke coming towards her, and jumped a little when she felt Clarke’s breath on her back.
“I’m sorry” Clarke whispered when the brunette turned around to face her, and Lexa understood she meant the apology for Costia. Lexa smiled at her, because she knew she would have understood Lexa’s feelings. They both leaned on each other’s foreheads.
Clarke then murmured something, and it was so low Lexa missed it.
“What?” Lexa asked.
“What if I don’t ever want to leave?” Clarke said again, barely more audible, like she was afraid Lexa was going to kick her out of the building.
Lexa’s heart exploded with joy and pure happiness. “Then you can stay here forever” Lexa answered in a whisper.
Their noses touched, slowly turning around each other, like they were doing some choreography or something. Clarke’s upper lip brushed Lexa’s, still not putting their lips together. Then, they both leaned a little bit, and Clarke kissed Lexa, putting everything into that kiss. First, Lexa didn’t move, too afraid it would scare Clarke off, but when she realised the blonde hadn’t make a move to leave, she responded quickly, leaning into Clarke, stealing her pretty lips into hers. Lexa brought a hand to Clarke’s cheek while her chest was exploding. She was kissing Clarke. Finally. I love you, Lexa thought so hard she almost escaped the word. And that was too much for Lexa in one day, and the pieces of the wall she was still having crumbled down inside her.
A small tear then slowly rolled down Lexa’s cheeks, and Clarke felt it against her own skin. She gently stopped her kiss, planting one of Lexa’s forehead instead as she began to rock the now whimpering brunette against her. “Ssssh, it’s ok” Clarke murmured as Lexa was clinging hard to her, it’s all going to be ok. We are here”.
We are all broken, Clarke thought, but maybe we can hold on to each other. Clarke kissed the brunette a few more times on her forehead, cheeks and nose to calm Lexa down, without seeing the little boy watching them from afar, a content smile on his angelic face.