Lost And Insecure!

Lost and Insecure Part ii

For normal people it was the time of year you would put your heating on while snuggling down beneath a blanket. It was the time of year you would heat milk on your stove, ready to drink a warm cup of cocoa or glass of milk. It was the time of year you would wake early in the morning but still feel like it was the middle of the night. It was the time of year people would never stop complaining about until summer rolled back around. All except Clarke.

"What are you doing?" Lexa whispered a smile already spreading across her lips as she wraps her arms protectively around the blonde as the storm outside slowly brewed. It was Clarke's favourite time of year which meant she would find her girlfriend sitting on the ledge of the window instead of comfortably on the couch on more than one occasion.

"It's so heavy today" Clarke beamed with a incredulous smile painting her lips. This was the time of year her girlfriend would smile the most with a bigger jump to every step while constantly wanting to go out instead of being stuck in doors, the exact opposite to summer. When the sun would be out Clarke couldn't be further away from the window, instead she would choose to take comfort on the couch while rolling around complaining that she was to hot and sticky while downing gallons of water. 

Just a few months ago Lexa had came home early to find Clarke splayed out on the couch half naked while her feet were buried in buckets of cold water on the floor. When Lexa had asked her what she was doing through a laugh Clarke had whined rather dramatically while throwing her head back against the couch saying she was far to hot and had a full on debate with herself if the reason was because Satan had risen and brought his shitty much to hot weather with him. Lexa could only roll her eyes while laughing occasionally as she made them lunch. Clarke could be quite the dramatic little bean when she wanted too.

"Its beautiful" Lexa admitted placing a kiss to her girlfriends neck before resting her chin on Clarkes shoulder. "I've missed living with you" Lexa confesses nuzzling closer to her lover. It wasn't exactly something she had just discovered but it was something Lexa hadn't said out loud yet, and she knew Clarke loved it when she confessed even the smallest of things, she thinks it was Clarke's way to encourage her to admit things instead of only sticking to writing her deepest feelings in a book. It's not like they never saw one another while they studied at different colleges, but only being able to see each other twice a week, made them miss even the smallest things, like the way Clarke would glow when the rain would fall. Yet everything now was exactly how it should be and somehow even waking up and falling asleep with Clarke seven days a week still felt like it was never enough.

"Me too" Clarke confesses turning in Lexa's arms to leave a lingering kiss on her girlfriends lips. As soon as Lexa graduated she suggested they moved in with one another immediately and wasted no time in beginning the search for a property to rent near Clarke's college, which in itself was one of the most fun things Lexa had ever done to this day. "Why have you missed it?" Clarke questioned through a cheeky grin wanting to know what made her say it in this very moment

"I just do" Lexa says holding back her explanation, no matter how much Clarke loved her confessions she sometimes still held back until she was completely ready to bare all vulnerability, and Clarke would never push, but instead allowed her to do it in her own time. "Come on" Lexa says after a moment looking in to blue eyes before pulling her towards the door.

"Where are we going?" Clarke frowned trying to pull Lexa to a holt "Its hammering it down" she says waving her hand at the window like Lexa was blind.

"Exactly!" Lexa smirks pulling her coat on while throwing Clarke's at her.

"You hate the rain!" Clarke mumbled shifting to put her coat on while being tugged out the door.

"are you trying to change my mind?" Lexa questioned stopping in her footsteps with a teasing tone "I mean we can go sit down and watc-" She explains beginning to take her coat of again before Clarke cuts her of pulling her out the door with a wider smile than she had seen all day.

"Don't you dare" Clarke orders pulling Lexa out the building and immediately enwinding their fingers together. "What if someone spots you?" Clarke questioned as Lexa pulls the hood of her coat safely over her head. Clarke doesn't even bother touching her hood in the slightest.

"It's raining" Lexa deadpans finding that explanation enough.

"We're out in the rain?" Clarke smiles looking up to the sky as they finally step of the porch to feel the heavy pour of rain attacking their bodies.

"Only because you love it" Lexa says lovingly pulling at Clarke's hand to plant a kiss which quickly becomes mixed with rain.

"You hate it" Clarke whispers.

"I love you" Lexa hums pecking Clarke's lips once more.

They strolled through the darkened streets watching people scatter out their vehicles clutching things over their heads while dashing for safety. Clarke took it all in, the beauty of people rushing around whining as their foul moods only seemed to grow. She watched as the howling wind blew leaves free from their branches as the torrential rain slammed against the pavement creating even bigger puddles than there already was. It was a beauty in itself by how chaotic everything could change within minutes. Clarke couldn't for the life of her take her eyes of the scenery around her, how people stood from their windows telling their loved ones 'it's dreadful out there' was beyond her, they couldn't be more wrong.

"Looks like those cats have found their shelter" Clarke says pointing to two black and white cats under a bus stop curled up comfortably on the seats while watching the rain pour around them. As Lexa lift her gaze to the direction of the animals she clutched to her hood fighting to keep it on her head as the wind was having none of it. Why she suggested this idea she had no clue.

"don't they have homes?" Lexa questioned with a frown which only deepened as a big rain drop splattered against her forehead. She really hated the rain.

"Think their waiting for Noah and his ark" Clarke laughed. Which only made Lexa focus more on the cats.

"Well they're wiser than us" Lexa finally says clutching Clarke's hand even tighter feeling the chill all through her body, at this point she gave up fighting against her hood and let it fall finding there was absolutely no point anyway as she was drenched right through, she could even feel her underwear weighing down.

"Grouchy when you're wet" Clarke teased pulling a soaking Lexa in to her chest while she pouted lovingly. "You remind me of a cat" She purred unable to stop herself from catching the rain drop threatening to drop from Lexa's plump bottom lip.

"So you've said" Lexa says while her bottom lip shivers catching Clarke's lips once more.

"When I was younger I use to watch two rain droplets on the window and pretend it was a race" Clarke says shyly which made lexa laugh "My mum and dad never let me outside when it would rain" she admitted clutching Lexa even tighter with the widest of smile. Despite everything, the shiver that ran down her spine, her numb toes and fingertips, her soaked hair and drenched Clothes, Lexa found it all worth it for that simple smile and she would do it over and over again.

"I'll blame you when we catch pneumonia" Lexa says cheekily with her lips turning purple.

"I promise I will take care of you"

"What if you have it as well?" Lexa questioned pulling Clarke in the direction back to their home.

"Then I guess we have Noah and his ark" Clarke shrugged turning to Lexa with a wink making Lexa laugh once again. "Besides, if you didn't get all cold and wet, then I guess we wouldn't need a hot shower together when we get home" Clarke teased edging closer until she was trapping Lexa between a parked car and her body. "Would you like that, Lexa?" Clarke questioned leaning painfully close until Lexa's arse was pressed firmly against the car door. Lexa could only freeze her eyes unfocused as they struggle to fixate on a singular part of Clarke's face. Instead she blinked taking in a sharp breath as Clarke's finger tips threaded around her hip to her arse gripping it gently, she loved how Clarke would say her name in a seductive kind of way and Clarke took advantage in knowing it aswel. "I couldn't hear you over all the rain, what was it you said?" Clarke questioned teasingly pressing her chest tighter against Lexa's as her purple lips inched even closer to Lexa's. Lexa could see it, the teasing glint in blue eyes, the smirk that was slowly appearing as her girlfriend knew she had Lexa exactly where she wanted her, rendered speechless yet ready to crumble to her knees with what ever demand Clarke wanted. With Clarke's wet fuzzy hair, bright blue eyes and teasing voice Lexa nodded with eyes still unfocused all she could see was lips, eyes and water droplets shaping Clarke's beautiful face. She wanted a taste.

"Words" Clarke voiced pulling slightly back as Lexa's lips leant in to capture hers.

"Yes" Lexa breathed already picturing showering with Clarke, hands wondering and kisses devouring every inch of milky skin. She's not even sure she wants to wait, numb finger tips and toes long forgotten along with the shiver that only moments ago ran down her spine.

"Good girl" Clarke whispered gaze looking deep in to green before dropping it to Lexa's lips. "babe" Clarke husked pushing her gentle fingers in to Lexa's tangled mess. "You can kiss me now" she says through another smirk. Yes she certainly had her exactly where she wanted her, but Lexa tells herself its because she wanted to be there anyway. As lips are about to meet both girls jump as the alarm of the car goes off making them jump apart with a startle.

"Shit" Lexa jumps looking at the vehicle with anger. Stupid thing. Clarke was unable to control her laughter as it come tumbling out her lips. "What?" Lexa says blushing feeling her body having withdrawals from the effects of seconds ago. One minute she was cold, next minute she was almost on fire, now.. Now her hearts pounding from a almost heart attack.

"I don't think I will ever get use to you swearing" Clarke laughed pulling Lexa closer once more "its adorable" she hummed capturing Lexa's lips in a simple kiss. Stupid car. "Come on you" She laughed pulling Lexa back home to warm up.

As they finally reached the porch to the house Clarke pulled Lexa against her till she was trapped against the door and Lexa. The rain had slowed but still continued to trickle around the roof protecting them and Clarke finally took the time to take Lexa in. Her cold finger tips against her own, her green eyes with mascara messily around them, her purple lips and frizzy hair. She was drenched and Clarke fell in love with her a little more, because not only did Lexa hate being in the rain, she was one of those people that Clarke had watched earlier, the kind that would scrabble to safety while falling in to a bigger mood because the rain had got them wet, or ruined their plans. Yet Lexa being Lexa pushed her dislike to one side for Clarke because she simply knew how much Clarke loves it.

"Lexa woods" Clarke hummed pulling at the collar of Lexa's coat to bring her even closer. "Have I told you how much I love you?" She questioned nuzzling her nose against the brunettes.

"Everyday" Lexa admits proudly resting her forehead against Clarkes and breathing her in. Three and a half years later and they still fell like they were swimming in one another's love.

"Lets get you warmed up" Clarke whispers capturing Lexa's lips in a kiss that she had waited for, a kiss that should of happened earlier if it wasn't for that silly car alarm going of. Lexa's freezing cold hands immediately come up to cup Clarke's cheek as she smiles in to the kiss excitedly unable to stop herself from moaning and falling in to the kiss even deeper. God, she really does love her. Clarke pulls the door open without breaking the kiss instantly falling in to the heat of their home only stumbling a little as they try removing their coats without taking a moment to breath. Tounge's clash and moans are released as their coats quickly fall to the floor.

"Don't stop on my account" Raven says loud and Clear making both girl jump apart abruptly. "No really, you don't have to stop" Raven says continuing her game on the TV. For a moment both girls stare at Raven shouting at the TV as she was shot dead again before Clarke eventually gives up shrugs at nothing and goes to continue exactly what she had planned and reached for a extremely blushing flushed Lexa.

"Clarke" Lexa says widening her eyes as she steps out of her reach "We can't" She protests bowing her head regrettably back to her normal shy self.

"Why not?" Clarke pouts pulling at Lexa's soaked jumper anyway just to bring her closer. "She lives here" she says regrettably who ever suggested Raven should live with them was a idiot. It certainly was not her idea Clarke thinks, no defiantly not her. She would just want Lexa all to herself so she would never suggest such a absurd idea.

Only she did.

"She will know what we're doing" Lexa says shyly in barely a whisper.

"I think the whole street know what we're doing when we're bonking Lex" Clarke says not in the slightest bit embarrassed but rather with a proud smirk.

"Clarke" Lexa whines bowing her head as her cheeks glow with a new shade of pink. "Don't say bonking" she cringed which only made Clarke laugh.

"Come on you nerd" Clarke laughed rolling her eyes as she begins pulling her girlfriend upstairs towards the bathroom.

The sound of the toilet flushing had both of them standing still frowning at one another. The three people that lived in the house were most defiantly not in the toilet but as Clarke shot Lexa a questioning look Lexa only shrugged in response. The sound of a laugh echoed through the door and the next thing they knew the door was swinging open to a very proud looking Anya.

"Oh my god guess what!" Anya started very excitedly looking at one girl to the other.

"Do I want to even know?" Clarke questioned with a annoyed frown looking in to the bathroom like Anya had hexed it or something.

"Probably not but I'm going to tell you anyway" Anya says completely uninterested in what they have to say. "I was sitting on the toilet you know googling on my phone as people do" she says waving her hands around.

"People don't google" Clarke says shaking her head.

"I don't" Lexa adds.

"Whatever. No one cares about your life story, god." Anya waves them of. "anyway. I dropped my phone. Never have I been so happy I didn't have a thigh gap" she says excitedly tapping at her thighs "These bad boys saved my phone and had my back the whole way" Anya says proudly weirdly trying to tense her thighs. "Saved my phone from the toilet and my life from ending" 

"How far back do you sit?" Clarke questioned after looking at Anya with a 'are you serious look' that she refused to notice while Lexa laughed.

"all the way, a girls got to relax" Anya says waving her hand while rolling her eyes at her cousin and turning to Lexa instead. "They were like we got you girl" She explains to the brunette who she assumed was more interested than her boring cousin.

"Hello Anya" Lexa beams after rolling her eyes. "We've missed you" she admits wrapping her arms around Anya to embrace in a hug.

"No we haven- uff" Clarke muttered earning her a nudge from Lexa. 

"Speaking of toilet" Anya cringes pulling away from a soaked Lexa. "Did you fall down one?" she questioned. "You look like shit" 

"Why thank you Anya. Lovely to see You Anya. Don't let the door hit you on your way out Anya" Clarke says sarcastically while her cousin just stares at her.

"Is she broke?" Anya questioned looking at Lexa seriously with a pointed finger to Clarke. "She keeps saying my name"

"Will you get lost!" Clarke orders shoving Anya away and down the stairs. "Lets move out" Clarke suggest with a hopfull smile making Lexa laugh again.

"We just moved in"

"Well we can just move out"

"No Clarke"

"But.."

"No" Lexa says shaking her head while pulling her girlfriend in to the bathroom and locking the door. "this was your idea so I don't know why you're pouting" Lexa grins before turning around to adjust the shower temperature.

"What! No it wasn't, I would never suggest such things" Clarke denied crossing her arms over her chest like a pouty child.

"Clarke" Lexa breathed with a raised brow.

"Fine, but you could have said no"

"You know you love it" Lexa says rolling her eyes as she starts to peel of her soaked through top before Clarke bats her hands away to continue doing it herself.

"but I didn't want a buy one get one free deal" Clarke argues talking about Anya. "She is a huge cock block and she loves to annoy me" She explains unbuttoning Lexa's jeans before struggling to pull them off "God, you're sexy" Clarke admits standing up straight to admire Lexa in her underwear which only made Lexa laugh more. Clarke's hands bashfully wondered over the body she claimed was hers forever. "as I was saying, I voted Raven. Not Raven and Anya"

"There in a relationship, with one you get the other" Lexa argues through an adoring smile while pulling her girlfriend in to the warmth of the shower, wrapping their arms snuggly around one another to bring each other closer. "lets talk about this later" Lexa tries to reason squeezing Clarke even tighter.

"fine" Clarke huffs bringing her arms securely around Lexa's neck. "but only because you're naked right now" she hummed in delight digging her fingers in Lexa's mane. "So, sex?" she husks excitedly.

"No" Lexa laughs

"BUT" Clarke tries to argue only stopping as soon as Lexa gives her the look. "Fine. But don't come begging to me when you want it" she warns reaching for the soap.

---

"Where's my bag!" Clarke stressed pushing her fingers through her hair as she scanned over the living room for the second time. "Who's touched my bag?" she snaps looking at all three girls sitting on the couch eating breakfast.

"Why would anyone want to touch your bag?" Anya questioned with her hair all frazzled. "I mean you're poor as fuck" Anya laughed. "Lexa's maybe. Yours, worth more to pick up dog shit of the ground, at least that way I save myself a fine"  Anya digs making Raven laugh.

"That's it" Clarke snaps after a moment of giving Anya the death glare. Without thinking she charged forward toward her cousin ready to hit her really dam hard.

"Clarke" Lexa says softly standing up to stop her girlfriend. "Where did you last see it?" she questions trying to sooth her erratic girlfriend.

"I don't know" she huffs eyes wondering everywhere she could possibly see. "I normally put it on the kitchen counter. Niylah is going to be here any minute, I'm going to be late!" she whines brushing away from Lexa's calming hands and running up the stairs two at a time.

"Niylah is picking you up?" Lexa questions shouting at the stairs to Clarke while she could hear things being thrown about.

"Found it!" Clarke declares after a few moments before appearing on the stairs once again "Yes she-" Before Clarke could explain anymore the sound of a car horn outside cut her off. "That will be her. Got to go" she rushes stealing a bite from Lexa's toast that was in her hand "Love you, see you tonight" she mumbles through a full mouth with a sloppy kiss to Lexa's lips. "Bye" she waves and before Lexa even has time to say goodbye herself the door is slammed closed. 

"What?" Lexa questions finding her spot back on the couch while Anya and Raven eye her carefully. 

"Nothing" Raven says shaking her head and diverting her eyes back to her milky cereal while her girlfriend takes a completely different approach all together.

"Want me to slash her tyres?" Anya questioned before taking a bite of her cereal. "I can- tot slash she devi-tyres" She mumbled crunching away while milk drips aimlessly down her chin.

"What?" Lexa laughs unable to stop her amused grin. "Why would you want to slash her tyres?"

"I don't like her" Anya shrugs giving Lexa the knowingly look. "So, tyre slashing? You in?"

"no" Lexa laughs despite thinking the idea wasn't all that bad.

"Oh come on" Anya whines "She deserves so much more" she screeches "She is totally checking your girlfriends arse out every time she turns around. She is hitting on her discreetly enough to the point where its not discreet enough but discreet enough to get Clarke to think you are imagining things"

"Clarke says they are just friends" Lexa shrugs looking to the door like she couldn't do much else. She had already spoke to Clarke about her suspicions after the hospital hosted a charity event. She had watched Niylah eye her all night and look at her in away that was unsettling in Lexa's stomach to the point Lexa held Clarke that little bit closer to try and send a quiet messages, however it didn't seem to work as Niylah seemed to find it her mission to spend majority or the night talking with Clarke, like she was purposely trying to make Lexa jealous because they spend most of their days together. After telling Clarke in a not so jealous way, Clarke had snuggled down and told her their was seriously nothing their for either of them and maybe Lexa was just feeling Jealous, it wasn't the case and she knew it but she just nodded and told Clarke that she might be right. "I trust her" Lexa says defeated but honest.

"Yeah well, I Don't trust Niylah one bit the deluded freak" Anya says more angrily the more she speaks. "I mean come on, You are like a fricking Celebrity why would Clarke want her" She says like it absolutely ridiculous.

"Well she does the same as Clarke and I want Clarke" Lexa reasons shrugging her shoulders. "Why not?"

"Lexa. Shut up" Anya scrolls shaking her head. "As I was saying you're a fricking celebrity" She says looking down to her cereal and twirling the milk with her spoon.

"Babe what are you doing?" Raven questions after a moment of silence snapping her out her trance from milk.

"Ah sorry" she laughs at herself "Was just wondering if I've ever had milk from the same cow before" she laughs before brushing it of like it wasn't the weirdest randomise thing to say. "So when I don't like someone. Slash tyres" she explains. "Looks at me funny, slash tyres. Try to ruin fricking Clexa, fuck your car is about to explode" she says seriously pointing her spoon at a laughing Lexa.

"Got it" she laughs while crossing her legs beneath her. Anya has always had the protective edge for their relationship, if she didn't say something she would be watching carefully from the corner of her eye, and in a strange way Lexa loved her more for it because it wasn't only Clarke and Lexa fighting for their relationship, their was Anya too and she always seemed to be the brunettes savour when things were going wrong or she didn't entirely understand something. "so are we slashing?" Anya grins excitedly thinking she had won both girls over only to earn her a smack on the head from Raven and a roll of the eyes from Lexa.

"So celebrity, when are you releasing your first official single?" Anya questioned placing her bowl on the table infront of her.

"Wait what? when did this happen?" Raven questions confused.

"Last week" Anya says shaking her head at her girlfriend shamefully wondering where she had came from. "god how are you my girlfriend when you are rubbish at being nosey in your own home. God" she breaths turning to face Lexa "She had a huge meeting with a record label two weeks ago ain't that right Celebrity"

"Are you ever going to stop calling me that?" Lexa questions holding a pillow to her chest.

"Probably not. Now tell the story"

"I had a meeting with FOS recording studios, apparently they have been watching me grow for sometime and kept a close eye on me. They want me to sign with them and have my first single released within the next three months while I still have a lot of attention on me" Lexa says like its absolutely nothing and bowing her head.

"Oh my god" Raven screeches "FOS!" Raven barks looking to her own girlfriend in disbelief "That is like a dream contract!"

"I know" Anya says nodding her head proudly while turning back to Lexa. "Have you decided what song yet?"

"Not yet" she says shaking her head but I have a interview in three weeks to talk about the upcoming release so I need to decide"

"Oh my god" Raven says more excited than Lexa has ever seen her. "You are going to be like a proper celebrity"

"Sorry about her" Anya says shaking her head. "She's always been a little slow. So what you doing today?"

"I'm going to the gym then have to meet my manager at the studio fancy coming gym?"

"Food? Hell yes" Anya says with a lot of enthusiasm.

"No gym" Lexa says more clearly incase Anya didn't hear properly.

"Nandos it is" She says getting ready to stand up and get ready.

"I'm going to work out not eat?" Lexa says confused. "You know exercise, did you want to come?"

"Are you on crack?!" Anya says disgusted. "We're going nandos"

"It's 10am. We just ate breakfast"

"Don't worry it opens at 9:30 duh. Won't be long" she says running up the stairs to get changed.

"I worry about her" Raven explains nodding her head.

"me to" she grins supressing her amused laugh ready to burst. Typical Anya, to lazy to work out but never doesn't have food on her brain.

---

It rare for Clarke to get home earlier than Lexa. Most night she worked late shifts at the hospital and on the other days she would be at university studying in the library until her brain struggled to string a single sentence together never mind work out what can be the main side effects to a tumour and treatments to help. One night she had lost track of time somewhere between her books and the laptop screen infront of her, she was to tired to think, to stressed to know she was to tired to think and all in all completely and utterly exhausted because she was struggling to find the balance between her generous internship, finishing her studies and spending much needed time with her girlfriend. Lexa however had shown up at the library with a gentle smile and worried eyes. She had closed the laptop infront of her before pulling Clarke in to her chest and telling her its time to go home. Only when Clarke hopped in Lexa's car did she read the time 11:30. She had been in the library longer than twelve hours and didn't even realise it. Lexa however remained worried all night, she could see it buried in green eyes but not wanting to push Clarke in saying so, so she held her, made her food, drink and ran her a hot bath before snuggling beneath the sheets. Only when Lexa whispered 'i'm worried about you' when she thought Clarke was asleep did Clarke finally pull a proper healthy schedule together and made sure she was home at a suitable time unless doing late shifts at the hospital.
On a normal day she would be happy to be home before Lexa so she could wine and dine her in their own home. Clarke knew Lexa loved it simply by the way her eyes would sometimes stare at Clarke in disbelief, how sometimes her eyes would glaze over not from crying but from pure adoration and gentleness, but today was different. Today she wasn't sure if she wanted Lexa to have found the letter before her because that way she would know what to do or even say but instead she stood in the kitchen staring at the perfectly laid out letter with state prison printed at the top, knowing instantly who this letter was from.

"Shit" she muttered gripping the letter even tighter before looking to the front door knowing it wouldn't be long till her beautiful girlfriend walked through that door with a smile on her face only for Clarke to watch it fall. Only a handful of times they had spoken about Lexa's dad and that was only because Clarke had encouraged the conversation herself, pushing a little bit more each time, yet Lexa always remained tight lipped on the subject. She knew Mike was the one to kill her mother, she knew he was a alcoholic maybe even a drug addict too and that he was serving life in prison. She knew the ins and outs on mikes crimes and what Lexa remembers of him, but she could never get her girlfriend to talk about how she feels about him now, after his actions and how he had changed her life forever. She had tried so hard one night when they were both at college, it was nearing time for bed and after talking about more of Clarke's childhood memories, Clarke had been unable to stop herself asking about Lexa's and what she remembered. Lexa's jaw had tightened almost immediately shrugging like she didn't care or couldn't remember until Clarke had asked if she had ever thought about going to visit mike to ask him any questions she needed answered. In the four and a half years she had been with Lexa, she had never seen her reaction quite like that before. The conversation came to a abrupt stop when Lexa bolted up straight in bed with a clenched jaw tighter than Clarke had ever seen it her eyes narrowed on the wall infront of her before zeroing on Clarke before Lexa had snapped 'I don't want to talk about it. Why do you always have to push!?"
The reaction alone had Clarke shocked and scared as Lexa looked ready to bolt out the room and head back to her own dorm, so she quickly apologised and dropped the subject, ever since Clarke just waited for Lexa to talk herself, only she never choose to talk about Mike. 

The sound of the key turning in the lock had Clarke instantly hiding the letter behind her back, and she wasn't even sure why.

"Oh my god that was fucking amazing!" Anya explains stepping in the house closely followed by Lexa. "I even got asked for my autograph" she beams with her step turning in to more of a bounce while Lexa laughs behind her.

"that wouldn't have happened if you didn't tweet where we were" Lexa explains rolling her eyes before they fall on Clarke in the kitchen "Hi babe" Lexa says smoothly her smile already glowing as she drops a bag on the ground.

"Hey"

"I know fucking awesome right" Anya says completely amazed "Clarke! Seriously your girlfriend is like Miss Celebrity" She explains sitting at the breakfast table with amused eyes and a excited smile. "I Tweeted this photo on fricking twitter with Lexa saying what we're doing and BOOM! She had like a fricking gig waiting for her out the studio!" She explains turning to Lexa for support incase Clarke thought she was lying. "They even asked me for my autograph and to join in with photos. Felt fricking famous myself and dude was it awesome, I could totally rock that world"

If Clarke wasn't thinking to much about the letter she was hiding behind her back for no apparent reason at all, she would have laughed at her enthusiastic cousin. Yet she was so she only smiled arkwardly while turning to face Lexa still not sure how to present her with something she was sure she never wanted to receive in her life. "I know, I've been around her when it happens" Clarke admits trying to act as normal as possible while she slipped the letter in her back pocket. "She's kind of a rock star" Clarke admits with a genuine smile towards her Lexa. She really was she had been out with Lexa on many occasions and had more than a few people come up to the brunette asking for a autograph before nervously bombarding her with a few questions. The thing that amused Clarke the most was how they all looked at Lexa star struck and amazed while Lexa simply just didn't get it. It was the cutest most innocent thing but Clarke couldn't help but always feel smug that she was the one who lived with her, the one who kissed her when she was happy or sad, the one who got to see her naked despite how hard the boys and girls would try. She loved how Lexa was still always completely oblivious to everything leaving no competition what so ever.

"Dude I could totally write a book about my life with Lexa" Anya explains deep in though like she was serious. Lexa and Clarke could do nothing but Laugh as they approached one another giving each other a gentle loving kiss like they always did.  "actually i'm totally awesome on my own I could just do it about myself what do you think?"

"Sure, go for it" Clarke says sarcastically that apparently Anya never seems to catch on to.

"Hmm. Actually I'm to lazy for that" she says a little tired of even thinking about typing all those words.

"You know you pay people to type for you" Lexa explain grabbing a apple from the basket while Clarke nudges her not to encourage such stupid ideas.

"Oh. Oh" Anya says a little to excited as her eyes go wide. "I know! that middle button thingy on your phone is like a voice!" she says nodding her head like it the best idea in the world "I could command that bitch"

"Please tell me you're jok-"

"Oh siri!" Anya interrupts holding her hand up while she talks to her phone.

----

"ok just give it to her" Clarke mutters to herself pacing the bedroom with the letter in her hand. She wasn't sure she was nervous, she wasn't even sure why she hadn't just given the letter to Lexa the moment she walked in but the longer she seemed to wait, the harder it seemed to be. Plonking herself on the bed she admitted defeat. There was no right or wrong way to do this, no matter how much she thought it over, Lexa's reaction was inevitable it always would be because deep down Clarke knew by her refusal to talk about him, refusal to see him and just generally never wanting the mention of him ever again meant the pain and hurt she felt was deeper than she could ever imagine and their was no room for forgiveness.

"What are you doing?" Lexa questioned furrowing her brows with that smile Clarke loved so much as she entered the bedroom. "What's that?" she questioned eyes drifting to the letter Clarke held.

"Sit down" Clarke asks softly only making Lexa frown more but doing exactly as instructed. "This came for you today" Clarke admits still keeping a hold of the letter while she reaches her hand out to enwind with Lexa's. "I didn't want to just give it to you with Anya in the room because I'm not entirely sure how you are going to react"

"What is it?" Lexa questioned squeezing your hand before narrowing her eyes down on the latter.

"It's a letter from your dad" Clarke explains twitching her lip to the side as she focuses completely on Lexa while Lexa's gaze turns to the ground. It was weird to watch but in that very moment she watched the very first Lexa woods come back. The shy nervous girl that daren't say boo to anyone, it was like she was young again and hadn't grown from the young girl she was to the incredible strong woman she is now. Clarke hated it instantly and wanted to rip the letter to shreds almost immediately.

"I won't tell you what to do with it babe, but what ever you decide ill suppo-"

"Throw it away" Lexa said sternly her eyes unable to look up.

"Lexa"

"I said throw it away Clarke. I don't want that" She says full of anger as her eyes snap up along with her body from the bed. 

Clarke could all but nod as Lexa just leaves the room with her mood turned sour. 

Despite her plea for it to be thrown out, as Clarke looked at the letter once more she was unable to. She believed Lexa needed to read what ever was written on the paper that was sealed so instead tucked it safely in her draw with a heavy sigh.

---

Things were different and Clarke hated it. It had been a week since a letter had come through the post and six days since Lexa started writing in her journal again. She had always kept a journal anyway so this wasn't out of the ordinary but she had spent less and less time writing in it as the years went on, only turning to the empty pages when she was feeling or going through something she struggled to explain or put in to words. It had become rare to see but each time Clarke would catch her she would find her just as cute as she use to, she would always bite her lip while scribbling things down but somehow that had changed too. She had started writing in it more often than not and Clarke would watch her from afar as she got angry at the empty pages with a deep frown, sometimes Clarke would catch her ripping the paper from the book and scrunching it up before throwing it in the bin and slamming her book closed.

The worst part was it didn't end there.

Most nights Clarke had turned around in bed to find Lexa's space cold and empty. Each time it happened Clarke would wrap her gown around herself and go in search for her girlfriend until she would just know where she is, the basement. They had decided to change it in to a studio one afternoon as no one was using it and Lexa was getting fed up of having cushions thrown at her every time she was trying to write a new song while Raven wanted to watch TV. As Clarke tip toed down the stairs she pulled the door open a little wider so she could see Lexa sitting on a chair playing the piano. She did this every night, as she played with her instruments but struggled to come up with any words to how she was feeling or what she really wanted to say eventually ending up getting more and more frustrated until her hands would slam down hard on the keys like she was broken. Each night Clarke listened and allowed her the space she needed but would stand guard incase she really needed her.

"Don't think you-" Lexa tried it falling flat with a huff. "You don't know what-"

Clarke closed her eyes and lent against the door feeling for her girlfriend. She wasn't sure if to tell Lexa she kept the letter and hand it over again or to wait until she asks about it herself but with each night that passed Clarke found she wanted to give her it even more. She shook her head and breathed outa heavy breath as she heard Lexa get frustrated once again the chair scooting back with a screeched as she whined out. In that very moment Clarke made her choice and before she knew it she was back in the basement with the letter in her dressing gown pocket. She knocked gently on the door careful not to startle the brunette as she walked in.

"Hey" Clarke says with a soft smile. "Can't sleep again?" she questions because that's the only excuse Lexa gave her, but she knew better.

"No" She says slouching back on her chair. "Did I wake you?" she questions regrettably.

"No" Clarke says wrapping her arms around the brunette as she sits on her lap. "You know I can't sleep without you" she breathes placing a soft kiss on Lexa's lips. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I don't know" she says honestly bringing her arms around Clarke's back. "I can't write anything. I just-"

"do you think it because of the letter?" Clarke questions cautiously which instantly has Lexa's head snapping up with a frown.

"No" she says instantly. "I just- why would he write me?" she finally questions keeping her gaze down.

"You're his daughter" Clarke explains like its answer enough. She stares in to green eyes for a moment and Clarke can't help but cup her cheek while she pulls the letter from her pocket. She watches as green eyes frown for a moment before focusing back on blue eyes with a questioning look. "Don't hate me" Clarke pleads. "i couldn't throw it away, i didn't want you to regret your immediate decision" she says holding the Letter out for her with the neat handwriting of Alexandria woods written on the envelope. "I think you need to read it" Clarke says softly pressing their foreheads together. "It's your choice though, if you want me to put it in the bin again, i will but don't decided on the pain he has caused you" Clarke says climbing of Lexa's lap.

"I'll give you your space" she whispers.

"Clarke" Lexa says as Clarke reaches the door.

"Yeah"

"Can you just, be here?" She questions nervously as she takes the envelope in both hands. Clarke doesn't say anything, she just nods and quietly takes her seat by Lexa's side as she watches the brunette take a nervous hesitant breathe before peeling the envelope open.

Alexandria my darling daughter,

I'm not even sure if you will even read this letter and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't but i have contemplated with myself over and over again whether i should write this or leave it be, however i have decided there are somethings i need to say and need to get out and seen as this is my only option I'm left with no choice.
You're not a little girl anymore and I'm sure you aware of everything i have done, everything i have taken away from you so cruelly without a second thought.
I loved your mum very much and there are no excuses for my actions, but i was in such a bad place, money had became a huge issue, then when we had you it only got worse and i just felt like i was caged in a corner so i drank my time away.
I became a alcoholic fairly quickly and regrettably.
No apologises will ever be enough i know that, it will never bring your mother back or the childhood you deserved but i want to apologise anyway.
I'm so sorry.
I never meant for any of this for you, i remember holding you in my arms for the first time and you were just so small, so perfect and i knew i would never love anything like i loved you in that very moment.
I'm a different man now, and it seems you have grew in to a beautiful young woman, I've read your name in the papers and I couldn't believe my eyes, you are the splitting image of your mother and she would be extremely proud of you, like I am.
I know it's a long shot but, i hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, because i would really love to get to know you again.
I lost that right along time ago i know but i just wanted you to know, not a single day goes by where i don't regret what I've done, what I've caused but unfortunately i have been struck with a terminal illness which has caused me to reach out sooner rather than later.
I hope to hear back from you, but i won't reach out again if you don't want me to.
Take care of yourself Alexandria
With so much love,
dad
x

"You ok?" Clarke questions and scoots closer after noticing Lexa's eyes repeatedly trailing over the same words. When Lexa doesn't respond Clarke carefully peels the envelope from her hands and puts it aside as she focuses on her girlfriend more worried than only seconds ago. "What did he say?" you question.

"He said he's sorry" Lexa says shyly back to her old four year self. "and he's dying" She adds and Clarke can do all but wrap her arms around the brunette who seems to be frozen to the spot. Despite never having met Lexa's dad she hated how he could turn her back to the small lost girl she use to be instead of the strong independent one she blossomed to be.

"Let's get you to bed" Clarke whispers kissing the side of Lexa's face as she guides her out the studio and to there bedroom.

"Thank you" Lexa whispers quietly gripping Clarke's fingers as she buries her face in her neck.

"For what?"

"Not throwing it away" she confesses and Clarke can all but hold her tighter feeling better that she made the right decision.

"Are you going to write back?" Clarke questions after a moment in to the darkness she had no idea what is said and was yet to read it but right now Lexa was her priority and getting her to sleep because quietly honestly she was worried.

"No" Lexa finally said with a heavy breath. "Can we just, not talk about it and go sleep?" Lexa questions and you just nod with a kiss to her forehead.

--

"Where's Lexa?" Clarke questions as she enters the kitchen and pulls a apple from the basket.

"Gone for a run!" Raven cringes. "I Swear the girl is crazy"

"Why?"

"Who runs at seven in the morning?" Raven questions. "It's weird!"

"Well she want's to keep in shape" Clarke shrugs trying not to think of her girlfriends body in all its heavenly glory, she couldn't deny it had done nothing but get better and better of the years aswel as there sex lives, it seems the fitter Lexa got the more the blonde couldn't keep her hands of her.

"Ew" Raven cringes throwing a honey hoop at Clarke's head. "You are not thinking of her naked right now!"

"Kind of hard not to" Clarke shrugs with a smirk. No one was more proud of Lexa than Clarke whether it was her body, her singing, how far she's come or how she just scrunches up her nose when she's reading.

"Hard not to what?" Lexa questions pulling her last head phone from her ear as she strides straight to the fridge for a bottle of water.

"Think of you naked" Raven says which earns her a deep frown from Lexa and a pink blush. "God, not me. Her!" 

"Nearly have a panic attack there huh?" Clarke questions with a smirk as she wraps her arms around Lexa. "You ok?" Clarke questions more seriously looking in to green eyes in hope she understands the silent question.

"Better" Lexa admits planting her lips on Clarkes. "You ready for work?"

"Pretty much"

"Want me to drive you?"

"i wish" Clarke pouts "Niylah's picking me up any minute now"

"Oh right" Lexa says chewing the inside of her lip which makes Clarke laugh.

"Don't worry" she hums "i only have eyes for you. Such a jealous little thing"

"I'm not jealous" 

Just like that the sound of a repeated horn is sounded from outside and Clarke is flying out of Lexa's hands in a rush while biting through her apple.

"Don't forget fundraiser tonight!" she shouts as she opens the door.

"I'll be ready!" Lexa just about gets in before the doors slammed closed. "Love you two" she laughs rolling her eyes at how so unorganised her girlfriend is.

----

"I'm so late" Clarke whines coming through the door and placing her work bag down. She looks up with a frown expecting the stare from Lexa only to see Raven looking at her while biting through pizza. "Where's Lexa?" she frowns, she should be ready by now.

"basement" Ravens says like its obvious. Clarke doesn't waste anymore time asking silly questions, instead she walks down the steps she had walked down every night for the last week and could already hear Lexa's beautiful singing voice through the small crack of the door.

"yeah, I'm running away, I'm running away"

Clarke forgets all about the fundraised at just the sound of her girlfriends voice with the keys of the piano being gently played. It's the first time she has sang properly in a week, the first time she has been able to scrape up some words and pull them together to make a sound and Clarke silently feels her chest flutter as her smile grows with proudness at how much strength her girlfriend had. For the first time Lexa doesn't end her few words she pulled together with frustration, instead you hear the piano come to a gentle end until it stops, only then does Clarke open the door with a warmed heart and loving smile.

"Hey you" Clarke finds herself saying hand on the door knob as her head rest a little on the doorframe looking her girlfriend up and down. "You look absolutely beautiful"

"Thank you" Lexa smiles shyly standing from her seat as Clarke's stomach does summersaults as she takes Lexa's dress in. It's a beautiful purple strapless elegant dress while her hair is clipped in a bun showing her strong slender neck. "So do you" she breathes reaching forward to captures the blonde's lips in a lingering kiss.

"Hardly" Clarke shrugs. "I Had to get ready at the hospital" she cringes but Lexa all but smiles because she knew she would have to, Clarke would be late for her own funeral, Lexa was sure of it.

"Are you Calling me a liar Clarke Griffin?" Lexa teases linking there hands together as she pulls Clarke even closer.

"I'm calling you bias" Clarke grins pecking Lexa's lips once more because she can't resist. "You love me, you have to think I'm beautiful"

"Hmm" Lexa hums a little distracted to reply with Clarke's lips, which only makes Clarke a little more smug while proving her point. 

"we're going to be late" Clarke says showing no signs of rushing out of this embrace.

"use to it" Lexa mutters her hand resting on Clarke's teasingly tempting thigh.

"Stop" Clarke laughs smacking her chest gently. "Come on"

---

Fundraisers are meant to be all about raising money for a good cause while having fun in the process. It's about giving back instead of taking because that's all the human race seems to be doing as we get more greedy. Yet Lexa was seething throwing back another glass of champagne while she stood by the bar on her own. She kept telling herself not to turn around, to not look or listen then it won't bother her, but she couldn't help it, Niylah was just standing by her girlfriend side every where she went and it was beginning to get on her nerves. 

"What's up kiddo?" Jake questions appearing by your side at the bar and you can't help but smile at the man you have grew to love as your own father. You turn around and look at Clarke before turning back to look at the man who gave you a permanent roof over your head wondering when you got so terrible at hiding how you felt.

"Is it that obvious?" You question shyly while biting your lip as you look in to your fourth empty glass.

"Just a smudge" he grins looking over to his daughter and Niylah who seems to constantly be trying to engage Clarke in conversation and keeping her away from Lexa as much as possible. "You have no worries, you know that right?" he questions as he leans his elbow on the bar while tucking his other hand in his pocket.

"I know" you say but deep down you know you can never rid yourself of the insecurities you have always carried. Clarke is by far the best thing to ever happen to you, and to say that you are more than scared to lose Clarke is a understatement, because honestly you have no idea what you would do.

"I don't think you do" Jake says looking to his daughter once more with a proud smile before turning back to you. "We see you and Clarke what? Once a week?" he questions and you nod because you visit every Sunday with no excuse. "She still non stop talks about you, Lexa's doing this, Lexa's done this" he says through a smile. "Sometimes i want to gag her i admit but the happiness she shows while saying it is so worth it" he breathes and you cant help but smile to as you place your wine glass down and stop drinking your fears down.

"Thank you" You breathe because you didn't realise how lost in your own thought you had become only to be reminded by a few simple words that you're being ridiculously silly again.

"For what?" He frowns. "I did nothing" he says holding his hands up "Didn't even hear from you tonight" he says backing away and you cant help but smile and laugh as you turn around with a new mind set. You stare for a while at your girlfriends posture, the way she holds herself as she speaks to people higher than herself, the way she pays no extra attention to Niylah no matter how much she follows her around and tries to wiggle her way in to every conversation, you shake your head as your smile grows more and you generally wonder when you got so lucky to deserve her, you think you will never find the answer because you will never deserve someone like her, but you never stop fighting to keep her.

"Would you like another?" the bartender questions.

"No thank you" You say sliding your glass across the bar before turning around and heading towards Clarke.

"there you are" Clarke says as she watches you approach and you watch her focus on you alone, you smile because you've been together four and a half years and still you love how she looks at you, you love how she missed you when you're not there, how she know's how you are feeling before you can even conjure up any words to even begin to explain yourself.

"Dance with me" You say and you know you have not only Clarke's eyes on you but Niylahs aswel, but you don't care about her.

"What?" Clarke frowns. "There's no music"

"Dance with me" You say just as softly with a gentle smile as you hold your hand out.

Not a second later she's frowning at you but placing her hand in yours as you guide her to the centre of the room. You turn wrapping your arms around her waist as hers falls around your neck and she looks at you baffled but her smiling growing anyway.

"You ok?" she questions.

"Perfect" you admit squeezing her tighter to bring her even closer.

"Why are we dancing to no music?" Clarke nearly laughs looking around the room to see people looking at them amused but you don't focus on that, if you focus on that you will get nervous and shy and just stop instead you focus on the one thing that makes you feel like you can dance anywhere, like when you're in the rain.

"Because i love you" You confess. "I'm proud of you, you know that right?" you question because maybe you don't tell her enough. She makes it to everyone of your gigs with no complaints while she's balancing her studies and her intern duties at the hospital, honestly you admire her more than you could ever explain.

"i love you too" she breathes and its refreshing to see how serious she quickly becomes as she looks at you with her soft blue eyes trying to work out what's wondering through your head.

"plus I'm jealous" you breathe feeling your cheeks pinker as Clarke's smile grows.

"Niylah?" Clarke questions because this isn't the first time "babe, trust me when i say i really don't look at her that way"

"I know" you say honestly. "i just don't like that she tries"

"I don't even notice" Clarke admits bringing her forehead to rest on yours forgetting everyone else herself. "i'm either thinking of you, what my next essay will be about, who my next patient will be and what i need to remember or reminding myself i need to eat!" she smirks and you can't help but smile with her.

"I actually do that last one for you"

"See, i can't even think of all those things on my own, never mind a woman who isn't my type, i don't find attractive, never mind love" She explains holding you closer as she soothes your cheek with her thumb. "Plus i don't know if you know this but when i said I'd marry you one day i really meant it"

"I hope so" You breathe feeling so light you could evaporate.

"Do you want to go?" Clarke questions.

"No" you shake your head with a wider smile. "You're up for auction i would like a challenge" you grin and Clarke can't help but laugh along.

"You get to take me for dinner every night" Clarke says like you're being silly. "You don't need to pay for it"

"i would rather have nothing than see you on a date with another" You say honestly with a smile "Plus it's for charity"

---

"Next we have Clarke Griffin. She's a intern at the hospital, she loves the rain and she gets grouchy when she's hungry" The presenter reads from a card as Clarke walks on stage with a nervous smile, you can't help but smile  proudly at her before looking around to see who looks interested.

"The bidding will start at Twenty five dollars"

"$25" a man shouts from the far right corner in the room and you instantly hate how he's looking at her.

"$50"

"$100"

Your head barely has time to land on the person to each bid before the next one is called.

"$150"

"$300"

Apparently Clarke is popular in the room.

"500 dollars" Jake shouts from the top of his lungs earning a few stares which instantly makes you smile until the girl behind you, the girl who's voice you know shouts a higher big.

"$600" You turn and look at Niylah with narrowed eyes for her to only shrug at you "It's for charity" she says quietly to you like that's the only reason she's doing it.

"$800" the dirty man from the corner shouts again and you've had enough, Jake you could lose to quite happily but all the bids are making you nervous and anxious and you blur out for just a second as you raise your hand with your own bid.

"$5000" You shout as people applause your bid and turn to look at you, either for being a idiot or very generous. Clarke widens her eyes at you warning you to stop with a amused smile on her lips.

"$5500" the old man tries once more.

You turn around with a smug smile as you look at Niylah telling her she's yours, telling her you will always win, no matter what and with that you shout out another effortless bid well worth the money.

"$10000"

"ten thousand pounds, going once, going twice, gone" The man says tapping his little hammer on his desk like his a professional you smile proudly a little smug as your prize approaches you.

"Lexa!" Clarke says with widened eyes.

"Worth every penny" you say quickly letting your lips fall on her's to shut her up. Money is not a issue for you, you know that and so does Clarke and this is possibly the best thing you have ever used it for. "Now we can go home, we've done our bit i think" You whisper pulling your girlfriend and your date for tomorrow night out the door.

---

"You" Clarke breathes panting against your lips as her arms reach around your back to unzip your dress. "Are a" her tongue is gentle yet demanding as she brushes it against yours pushing you backwards till you hit the couch and fall back. "Idiot" she finally says before attacking your neck. You smile because you know she loves that you bid for her,
you know that you have turned her on, because you are so jealous, possessive and protective of her in the best of ways.

"I would have paid 20" You breathe as you toss her beneath you, your hair falling around your face as it falls out the neat bun you spent a lot of time on earlier. Your lips are on hers immediately as your hands wonder down her body finally pushing that little black dress of her thigh until it's around her stomach. "you're so beautiful" you breathe nipping her bottom lip as your heart race speeds up at the sounds of her sinful moans.

"I would have killed you" she lies. "and you would be sleeping on the couch"

"Hm" You smirk pulling your own dress down so Clarke can finally touch you in places you need her to. "Worth it" you stand by your decision, honestly you would have paid every last penny in your bank including the rent due next week just so no one could get that luxury with  your girlfriend. "Do you think we should go upstairs?" You mumble between sloppy kisses.

"Why?"

"Raven?"

"We should be good. It's Friday" Clarke says quickly pulling your lips back on hers just as eagerly to shut you up. "Now take your pants of, you've been naughty!"


___

"Hey you" Clarke breathes tickling your neck as you lay naked beneath the blanket infront of the fire.

"hi" you say sweetly.

"Can i ask you something?"

"Anything" you sat turning in your embrace to face her.

"What are you going to do about your dad?" she questions with blue eyes aimlessly studying you.

"Nothing" you shrug. You have thought about it, about his letter, everything he has done. "He took the one person away from me who meant everything, i don't care for his reasoning, i can't forgive him and i wont. He's not my father, he's nothing, he's just a piece of my past i wont to erase"

"I heard you singing again?" Clarke questions

"Yeah" you say swallowing hard, you don't know if its wrong for that letter to give you inspiration but it did. "i guess it inspired me" You say sheepishly.

"I look forward to hearing it one day" She says softly like she always does.

"Me to" you admit nuzzling your noses together before giving her a slow tender kiss. $10000 didn't do Clarke justice, no amount of money ever would.