Lost And Insecure!

Lost and Insecure!

Love is weakness. You would think Lexa would strongly believe that, and maybe at some point she did, even if it was just a little bit. She grew up knowing her Father had killed her mother in a jealous rage, one simple moment that changed everything, leaving her to fend for herself with no one that truly wanted to take the responsibility of taking care of her like a child needed. Years had passed and Lexa would find herself thinking about her parents, she would try and remember the memories they had where they would smile and laugh, where they would look at one another like you would see in movies. She would wonder how loving someone could drive you to cause their death but no matter how much she tried to understand it she drew a blank. Now was no different, accept the fact she was experiencing love for herself instead of basing it of a movie. The thought of hurting Clarke in anyway sickened her, it made her stomach drop in away she never wanted to feel again.  As Lexa rocked gently in the hammock looking up in to the night sky, her mind wondered further in to her parents relationship trying to work out where it all went wrong when she was only six years old, only all she could see was her dad drunk and her mother rolling her eyes playfully at her. She now knows that this was a disguise, a protection for Lexa so she wouldn't understand the full extend of what was happening, instead Lexa would just laugh at her mum like she was being naughty when her daddy couldn't see. She loved her dad of course she did, what child didn't? She remembers little of him before drink took over but she remembers wrapping her arms around his neck in a cuddle her hands to small to reach one another as they held on to him, she remembers he always nuzzled his nose against hers instead of a kiss goodnight and he always called her Alexandria as it was his mothers name to.

"Hey kiddo" Jake smiles wheeling himself near Lexa's hammock. "Beautiful night ay?"

"Yeah" Lexa breaths with her own smile looking back up to the stars. It really was, her eyes flickered across the night sky from one star to the next until it landed on the full moon, she remembers doing this with her mum, it was a few weeks before she died and she remembers being really cold until Hannah threw a blanket over her and snuggled closer in to her side. She remembers playing with her mum to find the biggest star as they pointed from one to the next, she remembers her mum kissing her head and saying she loves her, and like always her mother would say something wise, something magical, she wasn't sure why she remembers all the things she would say but she was glad she did, she said 'Only in the darkness can you see the stars' then a little later she also said 'Even the smallest star shines in the darkness'  At the time being six years old Lexa had no idea what she was on about, and it barely made much sense but like always they had deeper meanings that Lexa slowly came to understand.

"What are you thinking about?" Jake questioned after a moment of silence and when Lexa turns to face him, he is already watching her curiously but his smile just as warm and gentle as always. There was something about Jake, something that reminded him of Clarke, he was always warm and welcoming and despite his lack of seriousness when he did it was a moment where you would just listen.

"My mum" Lexa says hesitantly her eyes dropping to Jake's wheel chair which he had been bound to for weeks now.

"Arh" He say soothingly looking back up to the sky, the silence settling in which for some reason would never become awkward with him. For a moment all that you could hear was the occasional tweet from a owl and the popping sound of Jake's lips coming of the tip of his beer bottle.

"I've listened to my wife talk about her time in the system" Jake says softly not bothering to look at Lexa, instead he takes another sip of his beer while continuing to look up to the stars. "I wasn't raised that way so I could never possibly understand it, but I admire it" he explains "She got dealt a bad hand, but she never looked back or felt sorry for herself" he breathed his head resting Lazily against the back of his chair. "When we fostered you, I wasn't sure but she was determined if she could help one person it would be worth it, so I believed in her, like she always believes in me" he says finally turning to face Lexa for the first time, his eyes just as blue as Clarke's. "She was right" he says nodding proudly "I'm not your father and Abby's not your mother but I want you to know, I'm proud of you, Abby and I both are" he confesses before turning to look back to the stars. "and I'm sure where ever your mum is, I bet she is two"

Silently Lexa's eyes had filled with tears only coming to realise it herself when she blinked at her blurry vision. She wasn't much of a emotion person but Jake's words seemed to pass every barrier Lexa ever had very willingly. She tried to wipe her tears before they could fall discreetly in the silent night but Jake noticed. He didn't need to lean forward and cuddle Lexa, he didn't need to apologise or comfort her that he didn't mean that, instead he smiled, the softest smile he could possibly give.
"I've never really lost anyone but one thing I do know is, You're lucky even if you don't know it" he confesses gently. "Hannah may have only had a short time with you, but you miss her, love her and you think about her from time to time" he says his eyes connecting with green. "that just means you were lucky" he says. "You were luck because she was special enough to miss, you were lucky because despite the short amount of time she was here with you, she made every second count" he says softly. "and you my dear" he says proudly "are one amazing young lady, and I'm glad my daughter has you on her standing by her" he says honestly his chest puffing out subconsciously as he speaks about the protection of his daughter. The silence fell amongst them and Lexa would be lying if she said her tears weren't flowing freely down her cheek to fast for her to catch, her jaw ached from the fierce grip she held trying her best not to break out in a full on sob.
"Good night Lexa" Jake said after a moment of silence squeezing Lexa's knee one last time before wheeling his way back in to the house.

It wasn't the first time words failed Lexa and she was sure it wasn't the last but as she was left in the garden alone once more with nothing but the night sky shinning down on her she released the tense grip she held on her jaw and for once allowed herself to cry, she allowed herself to feel her mums death, her mums memories and Jake's beautiful words that made her smile threw out her tears, her heart tightened before it fluttered open and she let the puddles form upon her cheeks. She cried until she smiled, and then she smiled until she was grinning almost laughing as she memorised the moments that changed from bad to worse to one of the best things that ever happened to her, there wasn't only Clarke that had a special place in her heart. Abby, Jake and Anya held a special place too, her new family. It was like being on a rollercoaster as she wiped her tears from her cheek with the widest of smiles, she wasn't sure what really just happened, but something changed something that maybe she was always looking for.

"Shoot for the stars" Lexa whispered in to the night sky hoping somewhere her mum could hear. She laid there for only a few moments longer replaying Jake's words before she had to go and pick Clarke up from the hospital. 

---

"My feet hurt" Clarke whined as she began tidying up the children's ward for burn victims.

"You volunteered" George laughed as he began helping Clarke pick up reading books. "Probably don't help that your mums a doctor" 

"Actually I do it for myself" Clarke admits "I would do this even if my mum wasn't a doctor. I love it"

"Well I haven't seen you around here lately, where you been?" George questioned shrugging his shoulder like he causally only just noticed the blonde missing. 

Clarke bit her lip as she picked up pillows from the floor before placing them back on the bed, she had been absent recently and really there was no valid excuse. Only there really was, and god was it the best excuse in the world. Lexa. Their relationship had just kind of blew out of the water until they were spending every spare second with one another until they closed and reopened their eyes. She had only been at the hospital for eight hours but that eight hours left her feeling excited and giddy to see Lexa, was it sad that she felt withdrawn? because that's what it felt like, not that Clarke ever felt withdrawn from anything, other than sleep, defiantly sleep since Lexa, but that was certainly a better addiction she would stay withdrawn from sleep forever happily.

"Just been busy" Clarke shrugged. "why you missed me?" Clarke teased with a laugh while she tugged a teddy bear back under the quilt cover.

"Hardly" he says scrunching up his face in disgust at the possible idea.

"Whatever you say" Clarke laughs pulling on her jacket as George does the same.

"I just prefer you here so the girls don't put make up on my face" he says seriously.

"So on mine is ok?" She questioned beginning to walk down the hall.

"Obviously, this face isn't made for make up" he smiles like it was moulded for perfection. "Oi oi" he elbows. "Look at that" he says elbowing Clarke once more as he nods down the hallway just as she see's Lexa enter the automatic doors. 

"What?" she questions not sure what he's on about, but struggling to listen enough to actually care while Lexa was only a few feet away looking as innocent and as beautiful as always. Clarke smiled, god did she smile. She couldn't help it as she watched from afar Lexa ask reception shyly with pure confusion on her face not sure which way to go or where to wait for Clarke.
 
"Her." he says like it's obvious. "Brunette with long legs" he says "Are you blind?" he questioned "She's gorgeous!" he announced. Clarke suddenly snapped out of her trance and eyes George carefully with a frown.

"Lexa?" Clarke questioned.

"What?" George eyes widened "You know her and you haven't introduced me?" he questioned. "Come on" he says pulling Clarke closer to Lexa before she could say another word, not that she was going to, she was about ready to either punch him or burst out laughing.

"Hi" George quickly says confidently holding out his hand "I'm George" in his charming voice. 

"Hello" Lexa says a little startled but quickly relaxing when her eyes land on Clarke, but before either girls had time to speak George spoke again.

"I was just asking Clarke how she hasn't introduced us yet" He says still keeping his eyes on Lexa. "Didn't I Clarke"

"You was" Clarke confesses her eyes shooting daggers but her smile betraying her as Lexa's eyes remained on her. "Lexa this is George" She says softly rolling her eyes "And George, this is Lexa" she says leaning forward with out hesitation, her eyes unable to remove from that heavenly green. God she had missed those. "My girlfriend" she added before placing a soft lingering kiss on Lexa's lips with a smug smile. 

"Hi" Lexa whispers shyly as Clarke's lips pulls away and just that look, that fucking look had Clarke enwinding her fingers with Lexa and forgetting all about dickhead George, because she knew Lexa had missed her just as much and suddenly felt less pathetic, but she was kept intrigued even more the longer she stared in to beautiful green, there was something there, something different and Clarke held on to Lexa that little bit more.

"Hi" Clarke says squeezing Lexa's hand like she would never let go again because a whole day without her was just the worst thing in the world. 

"Okay.. well that was unexpected" George interrupts holding his hands up "are you kidding?" he questioned awkwardly looking between the two girls, as if they were playing a prank. "You really don't look gay" he says confused.

"Are gay people suppose to look like something?" Clarke questioned furrowing her brows.

"Well normally one is more"

"More?" She pushes frowning even deeper while keeping grip of Lexa's hand.

"I Don't know" he says shrugging like this is the worst topic in the world. "More boyish"

"Do you seriously want a slap?" Clarke questioned

"NO. no. no." he says holding his hands up in surrender "It's not what I meant" he rushes his face red with embarrassment knowing his only digging a deeper hole. "I'm just going to go" he says with a smile of apology. "Sorry, and nice to meet you leg- Lexa" he corrects quickly before darting of.

"So that was George" Lexa says after a moment of silence.

"He is suck a dick" Clarke says turning fully to face Lexa. "Hello" Clarke says almost instantly forgetting everything that happened as she slowly wraps her arms around Lexa "You have absolutely no idea how much I've missed you today" she whispers placing soft kisses on Lexa's lips and tip of her nose.

"I missed you two" 

"What have you been doing with out me?" Clarke questions cheekily.

"Dancing in the rain alone" Lexa lies keeping her hold around Clarke's waist.

"I'm jealous"

"I knew you would be" Lexa whispers pushing her lips to Clarke's once more.

---


"What's she doing?" Lexa laughed looking at her girlfriend who had dropped to her knee's.

"Praying" Anya smirks watching her cousin from behind with Lexa.

"Please god, please just let me come home and she not be here! I mean she don't even live here, its not like I'm asking for her to be homeless! Just some peace and quiet!" she pleads her hands clasped together looking to the ceiling. "please! I beg you, Amen!"

"You're so over dramatic" Anya says the second she was done.

"You couldn't have told me she was here?" Clarke questions turning to Lexa ignoring her cousin, "I would have slept in the car"

"I'm here" Anya laughs. "Feel free to sleep in the car"

"She told me she wanted to surprise you" Lexa shrugs "You haven't seen her in a month"

"and the month was the best surprise Lexa, like the absolute best. Today, terrible, a very very bad, bad day" She explains her hands flying here there and every where during her very passionate argument. "

"I missed you two porky" Anya smirks wrapping her arms tightly around Clarke making it impossible to get of.

"Get of me" she huffs trying to push her way free but failing miserable "You absolutely reek" she gags holding her hand over her nose 

"oh yeah I went for a run" she says like she had long forgotten "but for some reason I couldn't wait to hug you any longer, awh" she continues squeezing Clarke like she was waiting for her to pop.

"You are such a freak" Clarke huffs. "Now I need a shower"

"Err wasn't you going to shower anyway?" Anya questions releasing the blonde with a disgusted look.

"Yeah I wa-"

"Clarke that is really disgusting, god Lexa how do you share a bed?" she questions seriously.

"I do sho-"

"You are disgusting! I'm going to tell everyone that!" 

"Anya!"

"Actually I will text them it, who would have thought porky got her name for actually stinking like a pig" Anya says with wide eyes.

"See!" Clarke huffs like a child who lost her rattle. "This is a surprise" she says knowingly looking to Lexa before storming of upstairs, the second the bathroom door slammed shut Anya burst out laughing.

"You can't resist winding her up can you" Lexa says shaking her head.

"Like fuck I can" She laughs. "She makes it far to easy, I swear she welcomes it. Come on legs"

Like earlier that night Lexa found herself sitting in the garden only this time not on her own, or with Jake, but with Anya who didn't find star gazing all that amazing and instead took it upon herself to sit in the hammock swinging herself side to side rather quickly like she was on a real swing.

"Strange" Anya says allowed looking at her hands wiggling her fingers before turning them around and doing the same thing.

"What is?" Clarke says dropping down beside Lexa and placing a kiss on her cheek. "You ok?" Clarke whispers softly her hands finding Lexa's almost instantly under the blanket.

"Yeah" Lexa smiled.

"Yeah?" Clarke asked unconvinced.

"Yeah" Lexa says more confidently this time. 

"Good" Clarke says lovingly resting her head on Lexa's shoulder.

"Our hands are so strange" Anya continues staring at her hand like they were aliens. 

"What?" Clarke questioned a laugh pulling at her throat. "What are you on about now?" she questioned shaking her head.

"Well one hand is perfect, has the ability to write, paint, Clean, fuck someone good" She says seriously while turning her gaze to the disappointing one "and well the other, load of shit really I mean what's the point?" she questioned genuinely.

"If your asking me to cut one of for you, ill do it" Clarke says with a smirk with nothing but Idiot running threw her mind.

"Well if you did would it make a difference? I mean last night I really tried to fuck raven With this hand" she says raising her left hand "It was dreadful, like seriously Raven was looking at me like my hand wasn't even in their, or even questioning if I'm ok" Anya says with disbelief.

"Never touch me" Clarke says seriously. "Or cook my food, Better yet do you want me to cut of that hand?"

"Clarke" Lexa nudges shaking her head while laughing at Anya.

"I'm totally serious" she says turning to Lexa. "As if she just sat their telling me she Fucked Raven with that hand"

"Tried" Anya corrects not at all ashamed "it seems any ability in this hand is gone" she says flapping it around like it was a bendy ruler. "Maybe its broke"

"Maybe your just terrible in bed" Clarke says with a cringe before turning her gaze to Lexa and looking in to green eyes, green eyes that always told her to place nice with Anya, green eyes that would forever roll when Anya and her got in to a bicker that seemed to happen every time they even looked one another's way.

"Yeah" Anya barks out a laughter that even makes Lexa jump. "Doubt that. I'm a Griffin"

"What does that mean?"

"We are excellent at sex" She says which instantly made Lexa laugh aloud before covering her mouth with two frowning Griffins staring at her.

"Why is that funny?" Clarke questions pointing her finger in Lexa's thigh playfully beneath the blanket.

"Awwh Baby Griff" Anya mocks "Lexa's trying to tell you something" Anya laughs. "It probably because you never shower"

------

God why did Lexa's skin always have to smell so good and feel so soft? Clarke's fingers were itching to go lower as she glided her fingers across Lexa's stomach feeling the goose bumps appear almost instantly, she loved how Lexa always closed her eyes when ever she would start soothing her skin with soft hums leaving her lips when she would dip her fingers beneath the waist line of her shorts before bringing them back out again.

"You know that you are unbelievably attractive right?" Clarke questioned looking down at the brunette.

"So you say" Lexa says innocently.

"I don't just say" Clarke says with a cheeky smile. "Dickhead George seemed to think so two" she says a hint of jealousy evident in her voice and without even knowing what she was doing Clarke gripped on to Lexa's hip as she said it, almost like it was territorial like she was scared she wasn't actually their to be hers.

"He only said hello" Lexa says with a laugh but turning fully to face Clarke.

"He eye fucked you" Clarke says looking Lexa up and down "I hate that people can do that"

Lexa watched her girlfriend tenderly, it wasn't the first time she had seen Clarke jealous, and she was certain it wasn't the last and despite her loving her protective side, she also hated it for her too, she hated having Clarke worry someone else would have her, because she hated thinking about the possibility herself about Clarke. Lexa didn't say anything simply because their was nothing really to say, she hated it two but their was simply nothing she could do to change it.

"What was wrong earlier?" Clarke questioned moving posision till she was hovering above Lexa while holding her weight up with her arms.

"When?"

"the hospital" Clarke whispers like their were cameras in the room.

"Nothing" Lexa says confused.

"there was something" Clarke whispers her fingers playing with loose curls of hair splayed out across Lexa's shoulder. "you seemed different, in thought maybe? did something happen today?" Clarke soothed placing kisses along Lexa's jawline. God it was to irresistible.

"Hmm" Lexa hummed her eyes falling close while stretching her neck unable to answer Clarke's question.

It really wasn't Clarke's plan at all, she just wanted to question Lexa about earlier, but after placing the first feather like kiss she couldn't stop herself and so she did another, and then another until her hand was gripping the opposite side of Lexa's jaw in position while her kisses became more demanding and urgent with the occasional bite to her jaw. God she just missed her, she had missed her all day to the point she found herself shamelessly thinking about Lexa's whimpering face while she was knuckle deep inside, even Lexa's moans echoed in her ears and now she was desperate to hear it for real as the memory quickly came to light once more.

"Lexa" Clarke husked before pushing her lips fiercely against Lexa's again, mouth opening instantly to taste Lexa's tounge, to feel the vibration of her moans, to taste her. God to taste her. "I need you" Clarke demanded. Her lips more desperate than ever as she pinned Lexa to the bed her hands growing more bolder and less gentle, this wasn't about romance, or making love. This was about need, want and lust.

"Clarke" Lexa breathed breathlessly their lips parting, Lexa just as confused and surprised at how quickly things changed in to something a lot more heated. She didn't have time to think, god she didn't even have time to breath before Clarke's hungry lips were ravishing hers again biting and sucking while her hands caressed Lexa's breast with more roughness than ever before. "Clarke" Lexa breathed once more trying and failing to be able to speak when Clarke seemed incapable of listening. So instead Lexa gripping on to Clarke and tossed them over her breathing just as heavy as Clarke's.

"Fuck" Clarke moaned this only egging Clarke on with eager lips which only seemed to cause a smile to spread across Lexa's lips before pulling them apart once more.

"I'm on my period" Lexa says shyly.

"What?" Clarke says like it was impossible to understand any English in this state but body still vibrating with sexual energy.

"I tried to say" Lexa say innocently "but you didn't really let me..talk"

"Oh" Clarke deadpans. "Can we still kiss?" Clarke questioned with a soft smile.

"Ye-" Lexa didn't get to finish her sentence before Clarke's desperate lips smashed in to hers clinging to her neck while pushing her body further up in to Lexa's for any friction she could get. They tossed and turned fighting one another for their lips and bodies until they were breathless and even then they didn't stop.

"Such a tease" Clarke smirks biting down on Lexa lip before pushing her tounge in Lexa's mouth. "God you're sexy" Lexa wanted to laugh but she also couldn't as she soon discovered the hornier Clarke got without being satisfied the more she spoke and Lexa found this whole thing a turn on. "I'm so wet" Clarke confessed grinding her centre in to Lexa. Like Lexa said she wanted to laugh but found it impossible as her lips started eagerly fighting back just as much as Clarke's, until they were past desperate for one another and Lexa found herself rocking in to Clarke.

"Oh fuck" Clarke moaned her eyes falling close "Do that again" she pleaded and so Lexa did grinding in to Clarke until her eyes clenched tighter closed.

"Girls" Came Abbys voice with a knock on the door pulling the girls apart abruptly.

"What?" Clarke snapped pulling the quilt over her naked body. "What is it?" she questioned her breathing more erratic at the close call.

"Could you come downstairs for a second Your father and I would like to discuss something with the both of you"

The girls look at one another confused for a moment wondering what they could possibly need to speak to them about right now.

"Ok, be down in a minute"

--

They walked in the living room silently but hand in hand and Clarke couldn't take her eyes of Lexa, not because she wanted to throw her against a wall and finish what they started, but because she was making her heart swell even more. The shy Lexa returned, the Lexa that prepared for bad things to happen or anything to happen at all as she walked in to the living room, she was silent but the way her bottom lip turned over with nerves gave her away, the way she was playing with Clarke thumb just confirmed Clarke's suspicions.

"Sorry girls I know its late" Abby says cuddling up to Jake "but with my schedule and your dad due to go back to work soon its hard to find a time where we are all in the house at the same time" she says apologetically.

"it's ok" Clarke says knowing Lexa is to nervous to say a word. "What is it?

"Well me and your dad have been thinking for a few weeks now" she says taking Jake hand in her own before looking to both girls with a reassuring smile. "Lexa, its your birthday coming up soon" Abby reminds her, not that she could possibly forget Clarke drawn on the calendar a bit over the top.

"What Abbys trying to say is" Jake starts his eyes on Lexa completely "You didn't get a change to go Thailand and we know how much you were looking forward to it, so what me and Abby have done is booked you two a trip"

"a trip?" Lexa says confused but shocked her thumb moving more rapidly against Clarke's and Clarke was unable to supress her smile no longer focusing on anything but Lexa.

"Yes a trip" Abby laughs at Lexa's wide eyes. "It's for the both of you its kind of a birthday present slash graduate present because its for three weeks"

"Three weeks!" Clarke interrupts her eyes wide

"Yes" Jake confirms laughing "You start of in Thailand" he explains "You will be their for 5 days, and then you will be getting on another flight to New York, and then to LA" He says excitedly "and you will be back right in time for college"

"What?" Clarke says shocked turning to Lexa who seemed to be wearing the same expression.

"You're sending us on holiday?" Lexa questioned nervously.

"We are sending you on holiday" he smirks.

"Alone?"

"Well together" Abby smiles just as wide as her husband.

"No way!" Clarke can't even find words, and its seems neither can Lexa.

"Yes way!" Jake laughs standing carefully on both legs. "It's also a thank you for saving my life, and taking care of my daughter" He adds wrapping Lexa in his parental bear hug, and just like that Jake had Lexa with tears in her eyes for the second time that day, so she wrapped her arms around the father man who was a father figure in her life and held on for dear life with her own kind of thanks, that meant everything.