Lost And Insecure!

Lost and Insecure!

 
"I'm going to be fine" Clarke paced up and down the school hall as Lexa watched on.

"You will do great" Lexa reassured for the tenth time.

"I will do great" Clarke repeated seeming out of breath as she couldn't focus on anything. "I will do great" She repeated and Lexa couldn't help but smile, never had she watched her girlfriend be so nervous, infact she almost wanted to laugh as Clarke had always said Griffins don't do nervous. Yet here Clarke was, pacing the hallway in a panic as she stood outside the exam room, even the man standing by the door ready to tick Clarke of the list as attended was looking at her sympathetically.

"Clar-"

"what if I fail?" Clarke questioned taking a deep breath.

"Clarke, you will be fine"

"I feel like I need to be sick"

"You can do this"  Lexa tries again only this time taking Clarke's nervous clammy hands in hers. She smiled softly at the blonde who looked more stressed than Lexa had ever seen her, anyone would think Clarke would have restricted herself from sleep the night before instead of infact going to bed early out of fear of not hearing her alarm and missing the exam completely. Lexa was torn between feeling sorry for Clarke and enjoying how cute her girlfriend looked all nervous and clammy, it was a new side to her girlfriend she hadn't seen yet and she couldn't help but enjoy it, and enjoy being the one to be able to try and help it disappear.

"I cant remember anything" Clarke confessed with a whine to her tone before looking to the exam doors and back again.

"That's because you're nervous" Lexa admitted squeezing Clarke's hands once more. "You know it, you just need to breath, OK?"

"Ok" Clarke nodded "Ok" she repeated not calming in the slightest while inhaling a breath, Lexa found it impossible to not to smile. "Nope, still not coming to me. My brains melted" she breathed giving up the will to live, and Lexa really struggled not to laugh at how over dramatic Clarke could be.

"You're brain has not melted" Lexa laughs shaking her head while Clarke gives her the evil eye.

"This is not funny" Clarke huffs pulling her hands away before she continued to pace "This is my future. If I fail, god if I fail..What if I fail?" Clarke questioned panicked "What will I do?"

"Do you trust me?" Lexa questioned trying a different strategy.

"Yeah"

"Then trust me" Lexa pleaded looking towards the man by the door knowing Clarke doesn't have much time left to enter. "I believe in you, and I know you can do it." Lexa said shyly starring in to blue eyes, the same blue eyes she watched slowly close every night until she was a mumbling mess to tired to form any kind of sentence together. "You will do great, I promise" Lexa took Clarke one last time both melting in to a reassuring cuddle that Clarke quickly accepted with a breath of relief.

"Thank you" Clarke said after a moment of silence. "What times your exam?"

"three"

"I'll walk you to it?"

"ok I'll be in the library"

"Ok"

"Good luck" Lexa says one final time placing a kiss on the tip of Clarke's nose"

"Thank you" Clarke says the sincerity in her voice more evident than before. "I love you"

"I love you two" Lexa says watching her now calmer girlfriend open the doors she was dreading, Clarke turned over her shoulder one last time with a nervous smile just before disappearing for the next hour and forty five minutes.

--

When Lexa sat in the library she had every intention on revising, no really she did so She wasn't really sure how she ended up smiling to herself in the library as she thought of the new side she saw to Clarke. Sometimes she thinks its impossible to fall in love any harder than she already was, but Clarke seemed to have a life goal to help Lexa fail, because again and again she fell in a new way over and over again for the blonde and seeing her with her nerves, and fear made Lexa heart warm and flutter in away that made her feel she that they wasn't that different. The only word she could think of describe it was adorable. Clarke was adorable all jittery and nervous, and Lexa hoped she would see it again.

"What's up stud?" Luna beamed placing in the seat opposite Lexa.

"Stud?" Lexa questioned confused as she looked at her student.

"You haven't heard that yet?" Luna questioned amazed "Dude its been around the school, first you land miss hot blonde, then you go all superman at a crash scene" Luna points out resting her feet up on the table. "You're like wonder woman or something" she shrugs

"why are you not in lesson?" Lexa questioned ignoring the compliments. She did notice the whispers in the hallway as she returned back to school, and she did get a number of people approach her asking if what they heard was true, a few were just so absurd it was ridiculous but unfortunately for her Clarke was nearly always with her around school so Clarke would proudly pull Lexa forward and tell them she had indeed saved her Jake's life.

"That is a very good question" Luna says nodding her head before falling silent to look around the library.

"Are..are you going to answer it?" Lexa questioned her smile forming. Luna was known as a bit or a rebel and a funny one at that. She was the kind of girl to talk in Lesson and when a teacher would ask why she was talking in their lesson her simple responds would be 'urh hello why are you interrupting my conversation?" Like it was the worst thing that could have happened.

"Sorry? answer what?"

"Why you're not in lesson"

"sorry are you the lesson police?" Luna questioned raising her eye brows making Lexa shake her head with a laugh. She reminded her of Anya and so she considered Luna a friend despite being the year beneath.

"Thought I was wonder woman?" Lexa responded cheekily quickly returning to her shy self as Luna looked at her with a shit eating grin.

"I love it when you get all sassy on me!" Luna laughed always trying to bring Lexa's confident side out.

"You love who's sassy side?" Came a voice that wasn't sitting around the table

"Oh hi blondie" Luna says not at all bothered. "Your girlfriend actually.. little sass machine, she totally just asked for my number"

"No I didn't" Lexa quickly said looking to her girlfriend with wide eyes before turning to Luna with a glare.

"Oh yes you did, don't lie Lexa... I turned her down though" she says smugly "Not in to teachers pets"

"I'm not a teachers pet" Lexa defended furrowing her brows.

"anyway, Clarke you should totally put a leash on this one" she says standing shaking her head with a smirk "No boundaries" She tuts before walking off.

"I did not ask for her number" Lexa defends.

"Don't you already have her number?" Clarke questioned sitting down with her own smirk.

"Well.. yeah..but.."

"Lexa" Clarke laughs "breath. I know she's only messing" She laughs "She does it every time"

"Yeah" Lexa breaths knowingly, she did love to get Lexa going. "How was your exam?" Lexa questioned taking Clarke's hand in her own.

"Surprisingly good I think" Clarke beams not a trace of nerves in sight and Lexa couldn't help but copy Clarke's smile.

"I told you"

"You did. Shouldn't we get going, or you will miss yours"

--

"you can do this Lex" Clarke encouraged pacing the hall way again. "I know you can. ok?" She paces even faster turning to look at Lexa with determination, fear and nerves and Lexa couldn't help but release a chuckle which felt a lot like de ja vu from only a couple of hours ago. "Don't panic ok. You have this in the bag, we revised together remember? Your like super smart" Clarke commented still pacing before looking to the exam door and back to Lexa. "Don't worry ok?" Clarke questioned finally taking Lexa's hands in her own.

"ok" Lexa says with a adoring smile. "I can do this" Lexa repeats feeling no fear for the exam at all, she was feeling extremely confident but couldn't help but watch on as her girlfriend got the nerves not only for herself but for her too.

"You can" Clarke squeezed Lexa's hands "You're going to pass this with flying colours" Clarke confessed nodding rapidly like this was just meant to be, it was a fact and nothing could ever change that because Clarke was nervously sure and looking a little on the pale side.

"Babe" Lexa says soothingly "I'll be fine" she whispers kissing Clarke's worried smile from her lips. Lexa was never much the dominant one in the relationship, Clarke always led and Lexa happily followed  slowly gaining more confidence as time passed but right now, right here Lexa's chest fluttered with happiness because for once she felt like maybe she could take care of Clarke just as much as Clarke always takes care of her.

"Sorry" Clarke mutters burying her face in Lexa's neck. "I hate exams" she confesses.

"I noticed" Lexa grins snaking her arms around the blonde. "Wait for me?"

"Always"

---

"Clarke, what are you doing?" Lexa shouts after sliding the patio doors open her smile already appearing despite her head shaking. The rain fell from the sky like a thunder storm was forming, Clarke however didn't run back inside, she didn't scream because it would mess up her hair or ruin her make up, Instead she looked up to the dark cloudly skies watching the rain fall as it hits her pale skin with a smile that could light up the world.

"It's beautiful" was all Clarke said pushing her damp locks away from her face before stretching out her hands feeling the gentle splat against her palms.

"It's freezing" Lexa laughed running her hands up and down her forearms in hope to warm up, thankful for the protection of a roof over her head. Her better judgement told her to order Clarke inside before she caught her death, to stop smiling as she continued to watch the blondes bare feet take fearless steps further in the garden while the rain only got heavier, yet she couldn't bring herself to do it and it wasn't because she knew Clarke wouldn't listen anyway. Instead Lexa just smiled brighter as she leant against the door frame watching her girlfriend twirl in the rain without a care in the world. "You're crazy" Lexa shouts while shaking her head again as the blonde quickly became soaked threw  while thriving in it, as for Lexa when a few rain drops hit her she quickly took a step further in the house like it was acid rain. 

"You're crazy" Clarke laughed playfully.

"Come inside"

"You come outside" Clarke beamed her smile brighter than before with blonde hair now slightly darker and blue eyes that seemed to glow. Never had Lexa looked at the rain and thought it was magical, not like Clarke did anyway but in some way right here right now as Lexa looked out in the garden with rain hammering down with the cloudiest of skies and heavy winds while the girl she fell in love with radiated from the dreadful weather, Lexa could see the magic and in that moment her heart felt lighter even if she was still shaking her head with the most powerful smile across her full lips.

"You're crazy" Lexa repeated watching the rain only get heavier the thought of standing in the rain always made her shiver and want to bury herself under blankets all safe and snug, and it reminded her so much of a pussy cat, maybe that was the reason she preferred them to dogs.

"Be crazy with me" Clarke grinned curling her finger to the brunette to join her in her heat of craziness. 

Again, despite Lexa's better judgement telling her to stay inside with her blanket and protective roof over her head keeping her dry and warm, she bit her lip hesitantly looking at the dreadful rain once more, more than anything she didn't want to be standing in the rain all cold and wet but before she looked at Clarke again she already knew she would join Clarke, hell she knew she would join Clarke the moment she saw her dancing in the rain if Clarke asked her too. Lexa yelped as the cold rain splattered against her skin as she took big, quick steps towards the waiting blonde and Clarke could only laugh as she wrapped her soaked arms around Lexa.

"Who's crazy now?" Clarke questioned her smile growing wider and softer as she brings their forehead together.

"Still you" Lexa confessed watching the droplets of water trickle down Clarke's nose, off her chin and across her lips. She was soaking and Lexa was quickly becoming so too.

"You know rain is a little like love" Clarke hums watching Lexa's straight hair become the curly wild mane she adores.

"How so?" Lexa questioned pushing blonde hair away from Clarke's round face.

"It's unpredictable" Clarke says gently looking deep in to green eye "but their are always signs before it completely falls"

"Did you have signs?" Lexa questions her lips turning up before tenderly placing a gentle rain dropped kiss on Clarke's purple lips.

"I did" Clarke confesses "I love you, more than anything" Clarke says with such gentleness as she traces her finger tips along Lexa's jawline. Lexa believed her, she believed her the first time she said it, and continued to believe Clarke loves her but if she doubted it in anyway the way blue eyes were looking at her, and the way the words left her mouth she was sure this would have confirmed it.

"I love you two" Lexa confessed forgetting the rain, forgetting the shiver she felt building threw her body, forgetting the fact her feet were numb due to no shoes, instead she stood their holding Clarke tighter forgetting about the horrid weather around her as she watched water droplet after water droplet splatter across Clarke's face and her heart fluttered for the millionth time. It fluttered because she was a normal teenage girl in love, standing in the rain in the garden she called home while having Clarke tell her she loved her back, despite her faults, despite her past, despite everything, Clarke loved her deeply and fully back.

"You're right" Lexa confesses pressing her forehead to Clarke's "The rain is magical" She whispers before catching Clarke's lips in a searing kiss. She could taste the rain between their lips as Clarke's finger became lost in her hair pulling her closer with a tug. She could lose herself forever she was sure of it, the way Clarke could smile but keep the kiss going, the way her moans vibrated in Lexa's mouth, the way Clarke soaked clothes stuck to her body while rain drops continued to pour from the sky. Lexa suddenly hoped it would never stop raining.

The girls were to lost in one another to notice Abby now standing where Lexa once stood. She watched the girls talk and hold one another tenderly, she watched them kiss while whispering little things to one another. Abby couldn't help herself so she stood their for a few moments longer with a proud smile upon her lips at the girl who made her daughter smile, who made her fall in love so easily and quickly, who was a fighter even if she didn't think so.

"Do they remind you of anyone?" Abby turned around to see her husband standing behind her looking out to the girls.

"Us" Abby smiles turning back to the girls as she watches Clarke push Lexa away playfully while backing away in to the garden in challenge. She didn't only feel proud of her daughter but for Lexa too, how far she had came in half a year, how her smile seemed to now almost be permanent and how despite her past she continued to march on.

"Should we tell them we're here?" Jake questioned placing one arm around his wife while the other clung to his crutch.

"In a minute" Abby says after a moment her smile turning in to a laugh as Lexa tries catch Clarke in the rain and for some reason Abby couldn't imagine life without Lexa in it anymore.

--

She wasn't sure if she yelped or laughed as Clarke tugged her playfully on her back, the grass instantly soaking her right threw if she wasn't already. Yet Lexa didn't notice or she just failed to care as Clarke hovered above her with that smile Lexa could never quite get enough of, it was only then Lexa noticed how much Clarke was truly smiling, the brightness of it reaching her eyes in a way that took a hold of Lexa's heart with a rapid beat. Clarke's hair fell around Lexa's face shielding her from any rain waiting to fall only then did Lexa zone back in.

"You're soaked" Lexa hummed watching the water trickle down Clarke's face and form a tiny droplet on the end of her nose.

"That's what happens in the rain" Clarke says smugly entangling her fingers with Lexa as she presses it gently in to the grass. "There is something I need to tell you" Clarke grins placing feather like kisses as long Lexa's jaw line, a place Clarke would happily bury herself and hide.

"What?" Lexa questioned her eyes closing automatically as she turns her neck slightly to the side.

 "You" Clarke whispers continuing her trail of kisses with a smirk before placing a gentle nibble to Lexa's jaw line. "Look" continuing her assault down Lexa's neck till she reached the bottom. She flattens her tongue out  licking up Lexa's pulse point all the way back to her jaw line earning her extremely sexy moan "so sexy in the rain" Clarke finishes bringing her lips to hover above Lexa's.

"You're crazy" Lexa just about manages to say before she presses her lips to Clarke's with the widest of smiles.

"Crazy for you" Clarke hums between kisses cheekily before capturing Lexa's lips in a proper kiss. The kiss wasn't intended to become so heated in such a place but like always Clarke couldn't hold back, she couldn't resist Lexa when she was across the room studying all hidden under a blanket never mind while she's laying soaking wet on her back on the grass with every piece of clothing clinging to her body. She kissed her and she kissed her till the air in her lungs burned, she kissed her till her body automatically started pressing tighter in to Lexa catching every gasp and every vibration in her mouth with more want than she thought existed. "Fuck" Clarke moaned breaking the kiss for less than a second as she changed the angle of the kiss before diving right back in tasting the water droplets amongst their tongues while Clarke's hand roughly pushed Lexa's vest up so she could feel Lexa's bare skin against hers.

"Girls!!! Get inside before you catch your death" Abby shouted knocking the girls instantly from one another as they jumped apart.

---

"I haven't forgotten you know" Clarke says breathing in Lexa's new scent while circling her sweaty hip.

"Forgotten what?" Lexa questioned her green eyes tracing every inch of Clarke's face. They had found a new routine when ever they made love they never just fell straight to sleep holding one another till morning would come, instead the snuggled, they kissed and they talked about things that would never matter and things that meant everything. Which ever way the conversation went Lexa always had a glowing smile as she finally fell to sleep, one night they spoke about fingers and toes and why they have five and not six or even four? It was a real mystery and apparently bothering Clarke's crazy little mind.

"About colleges" Clarke says gently her eyes meeting green which suddenly help a small panic. "We have just been so busy with exams, and school and chitty chitty bang bang"

"Chitty chitty bang bang?" Lexa questions confused.

"Sex Lexa. Sex" Clarke says like its the most obvious thing in the world but all Lexa can do is frown and laugh. "I wanted to show you something"

"I remember"

"I still do" Clarke says bringing her hand up to settle against Lexa's neck with a soothing thumb "Can I ask you something?"

"anything"

"What are you afraid of most?"

It was a simple question, a question that could mean many things and have a large variety of options for someone who isn't Lexa.

"losing you" Lexa confesses her eyes drifting away from Clarke's eyes nervously like they always did, but it was the truth she was scared they would leave school go of to college and forget this love story, forget it ever happened and call it a phase, only Lexa knew it would never be that for her and despite Lexa knew deep dark Clarke loved her just as much as she loves Clarke, she still couldn't rid the fear of it happening. She never thought her mother would die but she did, she never expected to lose her mother and father in one night but she did, she never expected to be almost alone for the ten years of her life until she found Clarke, but that happened two. "I'm scared you will go of to college and forget about me" Lexa says sheepishly playing with blonde locks nervously between her fingers.

"Lex" Clarke says softly sitting up to rest on her elbow. "I couldn't do that even if I wanted to" She says softly tracing Lexa's jaw line. "Wait there" Clarke says suddenly jumping out of bed and very nakedly walked over to her draws pulling out a book that looks more than worn down.

"This is what I wanted to show you" Clarke says pulling the sheet back over her body as she cuddles up beside Lexa. "I know we haven't discussed where we choose to go for college and maybe that's my fault because I want us to be able to choose the best schools suited for us." Clarke says shyly. "But as I choose I started thinking of you, and well.. here" Clarke says handing the book over to Lexa to look for herself.

She wasn't sure why she was nervous but as she pulled a few pages open her belly was fluttering with nerves. She furrowed her brows as she read a list of colleges what looked to be like a spider diagram. As Lexa continued to read and study the page she realised all the colleges Clarke had wrote down were her choices and then with arrows coming out of them that pointed to Lexa's name which was in the middle, which worked out to be colleges that Lexa could also possibly attend. The next page were a list of colleges with a arrow to a time duration on how far apart they were from one another the furthest going up to three hours.

"What is this?" Lexa questioned although she kind of already knew judging by the smile that started to form, but she didn't want to assume, she didn't want to hope for it to crash down, she didn't want to look silly because this was really all she had thought about for a little over six weeks. She needed Clarke to tell her.

"I found all the colleges we could both attend with good programs for the both of us, some are the same and some are a little further apart" Clarke says shyly pointing to the colleges and following the arrows with her fingers. "These are only the colleges in the same country, but I worked out how far away some were here two just incase" Clarke says looking at a lit up Lexa. "I could never forget about you" Clarke says softly her hand  pushing itself in Lexa's hair. "I love you silly" she says playfully pressing her nose to Lexa's.

"What if I had picked somewhere in another country"

"Turn the page" Clarke grins. So Lexa does and there in black and white is another graph of different colleges in different country where they could both go. "and if you turn to the back of the book you will see how much I really, really could never get bored of you" Clarke says proudly. Lexa quickly turns to the back of the book and she freezes.

"Clarke" Lexa says amazed her eyes tracing the paper. A whole piece of paper covered by a sketch of Lexa's hands curled up in to half balls, the next page were focused on her eyes and her lashes and it seemed never ending as she flicked threw page after page all of her one page just a entire shadow of her form.

"I can never get you out of my head" Clarke confesses.

"I love you" Lexa blurts out her eyes darting from one place to the next blue eyes, to beauty spot, to wet lips. "I love you" Lexa repeats her smile making it impossible to kiss in a way she wants but would never stop trying as she pulled Clarke above her.

"I take it that makes you happy?" Clarke questioned threw kisses with a giggle.

"So, So happy" Lexa whispers biting on Clarke's smiling lips while giggling to one another.

"Shut up and kiss me then" Clarke says playfully pushing her already naked body in to Lexa's.

"I'm trying" She grins kissing Clarke's lips once more, god its hard to kiss when you cant remove your smile.



I have good news, next chapter will not be the last, I actually have a idea! So bare with me! :D
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