Lost And Insecure!

Lost and Insecure!

After spending three long days lying in a hospital bed Lexa was a little more than excited to be finally going home. She still felt sore and severely bruised and every time her stomach angled in a certain way she felt like her skin tightened around the stitches attempting to pull it free but she managed. Lexa struggled to care about her injuries as she finally slipped in to the comfort of her own clothes and took of her hospital wrist band. She paused for a moment, a moment where she traced over her name written across the band and her smile came to life as she looked around the hospital room before focusing back on her neatly written name. It wasn't the first time she had been in hospital, yet somehow it felt that way. After Titus caused severe injuries to Lexa she had ended up in a similar looking hospital, only she never had a visitor, she never had someone that cared enough to stay with her everyday as they ate the gruesome hospital food together, she never had someone who you could just look at and see pure fear at the possibility of losing her. She smiled so wide because it mattered to someone that her name was on that wristband, someone who truly cared and someone she knew that loved her.

"For you madam" Clarke beamed slipping back in to the room causing Lexa to turn and face her. She watched her girlfriends blue eyes twinkle with excitement as she tilted her head slightly to the side in challenge.

"What's that?" Lexa questioned unable to stop her grin from growing. She really didn't expect any less from the blonde, ever since she had woken, Clarke had been making sure she was constantly ok while ordering her not to move and doing everything for her instead.

"Your transport" Clarke smirked pushing the chair closer to her injured girlfriend.

"I'm not getting in that" Lexa explained shaking her head at the wheelchair before letting out a quiet laugh.

"Oh yes you are" Clarke smirked resting her elbow against the handle of the chair. "Get in"

"I'm not crippled"

"Get in the chair" Clarke ordered.

"No" Lexa smirked placing her feet on the ground till she was standing her hand instantly went across her covered stitches as she felt her skin tighten as she stood straight.

"Chair. Now" Clarke smirked as she walked around the wheelchair until she was directly infront of the brunette "Doctor's orders is to rest. So in. Or else!"

"Or else what?" Lexa challenged eager to know what the blonde would threaten as she clearly couldn't take her down, not that she would anyway.

"Or else" Clarke hummed wrapping her arms around the brunette with the smile that Lexa had become addicted too. "I won't kiss you" she whispered placing a tender kiss on pink delicate lips teasingly. "all week" she added with a winning smile. Lexa could only shake her head knowing her girlfriends threat was empty as she was sure she couldn't last that long anyway, however Lexa wasn't willing to risk it so without another word her eyes never leaving Clarke's she stepped in the wheelchair awaiting for her girlfriend to push her.

"Thought so" Clarke added placing Lexa's bag over her shoulder as she began their journey home, with one quick stop on the way.

--

"Beep! Beep!" Clarke honked pulling the wheelchair to a stop as she entered her dads hospital room.

"there she is!" Jake beamed slowly sitting up right as he eyes the brunette who saved his life. "My own personal knight" He announced proudly causing Lexa to instantly go a shade of red.

"How are you?" Lexa questioned nervously as Clarke pushed her closer to the bed. The two had been whining for the past three days to see one another, however Jake wasn't fit to move due to his loss of blood and his recent tear in a main artery, and Lexa. Well she had a bossy girlfriend that wouldn't even let her puff her own pillow out so she had no chance until she was officially released.

"I'm good" Jake admitted nodding as he squeezed Abby's hand. "Thanks to you"

"Please" Lexa said shyly ducking her head as she shook it "I didn't do anything" Lexa explained as she slowly raised her game to see a gentle smile on her foster parents lips.

"Lexa" Jake said softly reaching his hand out to the brunette who hesitantly took it, physical contact was still not something Lexa was comfortable with. "If you didn't think quickly and ring a ambulance, I wouldn't be here. If you didn't stop me pulling that thing out my leg, I wouldn't be here." He said softly shaking his head knowingly. "If you didn't keep me awake, I may not be here either, but you did all those things. So please do not tell me you did nothing" He pleaded with a gentle squeeze of the hand as the room fell quiet listening to the pair. Lexa only nodded shyly in agreement not to argue with the man, the man who cared about her throughout the accident instead of only caring for himself.

"Jheez you wouldn't think you were a Doctor's husband" Anya piped up cutting through the comfortable silence earning herself a slap on the back of the head from Clarke. "Ouch!" she whined over exaggerating "What the hell was that for!"

"You!" Clarke snapped. "You always ruin the moment!"

"and your breath always stinks but you don't see me hitting you on the head do you!" Anya barks back.

"Why are you still here again?" Clarke questioned

"I see them two haven't changed one bit" Jake grins looking to Lexa before focusing back on his daughter and niece beginning their regular bicker.

"I've had them for three days" Lexa admits with a wide smile as she remembers the countless bickers the two had exchanged within three days, she's just surprised they still speak at all.

"Welcome to the Griffin family" Jake laughs as Anya nudges her shoulder against Clarke's harder than necessary.

---

"How's it feel being home?" Clarke questioned pulling a blanket over their legs as they sit back on the couch. The word home struck something in Lexa, something that had her looking around the room as she traced picture after picture she couldn't remember the last time she had a place she could call home. Yet this felt exactly that, the familiar smell of the house that she hadn't realised she missed, the familiar warmth that always hit you as you entered. The small things that she hadn't previously noticed that had become a normal was now standing out like a sore thumb, it was only then that she realised everything about this house meant home to her. She didn't even realise she was smiling till Clarke kissed it with her own smile. "Why so smiley?" Clarke whispered tracing Lexa's jaw line tenderly. Lexa swore that was one of her favourite things to do.

"no reason" Lexa hummed. "Just really happy to be home" Lexa admitted feeling a warmth spread through her using the word.

"Me too" Clarke grinned leaning forward to capture Lexa's lips once more. It was a kiss that spoke volumes as Clarke's tender touches never faltered. "I'll get some snacks" Clarke whispered pecking Lexa's lips one final time before heading towards the kitchen with a bounce.

Even though she was gone Lexa stared after her with a genuine smile on her lips, she even wanted to laugh at the idea of how she ended up here, how she ended up with Clarke and everything else she would normally just watch from afar. Yet here she was sitting on a couch in a place she called home with more than just one person who cared about her health or just her in general. She almost does laugh aloud only stopping herself as she bites her lip shaking her head as she thinks of Clarke once again, it was strange really how just the thought of the blonde made her feel a over powering kind of love flood through her till her throat tightened because she wanted to smile, but cry proudly at the same time. Sometimes just having Clarke around feels so crazy and insane because there are no words that can begin to explain what the blonde has done for her, how she has changed the way she see's things for the better and how she makes the brunette feel proud about her past because she got through it because she fort and she is still killing it. She hates the possibility of being miles apart next year as they go of to college and she's scared more that it seem Clarke doesn't seems to be worried in the slightest. She's not silly she knows people grow apart, college becomes to time consuming to be bothered with a relationship and then they just grow apart. Her smile had vanished before she could even realise as she thinks about the upcoming possibility's of losing the one person she knows she just can't. Yet as Clarke's enters the room with her gorgeous smile and gentle blue eyes throwing popcorn in her mouth before she even takes a seat Lexa feels a little to overwhelmed.

"I'm in love with you" Lexa says staring at the blonde who came to a halt at the confession.

"I'm in love with you" Clarke repeats back as she take's a seat beside the brunette instantly cupping her cheek "I don't think i'll ever get bored of you being vocal" Clarke whispers as she bites her own bottom lip while her eyes trail to Lexa's delicate wet lips.

"No" Lexa says shaking her head gently like that wasn't what she was trying to say. She wanted to say she was scared, that she was petrified of this ever ending, that she would follow Clarke to the end of the earth because that's what she felt. The way the blonde cared for her, the way Clarke looked and touched her, the way she whispered I love you like it was nothing, but it was, it was everything and Lexa knew she would never want to hear it said by anyone else ever again because having Clarke was having everything. Yet Lexa couldn't say any of that so instead she replaced her frown quickly with a gentle smile and covered it up because she wasn't use to relying on someone like that, she had never needed someone like this and Lexa was to scared to confess her deepest worries because maybe, just maybe this was way more to Lexa than it was for Clarke. Maybe.

"I just" Lexa smiles no evidence of her deepest feelings on the surface "I missed this" Lexa lies, kind of.

"Me too" Clarke smiles resting her forehead against Lexa's. "Lex" Clarke whispers.

"Hmm"

"Thank you for saving my dad" Clarke confesses genuinely as she places her other hand in brunette locks massaging the scalp. "I wanted to tell you properly" Clarke admits blue eyes bright as they stare in to beautiful green.

"I told you, he saved me" Lexa says just as quietly her eye dropping between them at her confession.

"He couldn't move" Clarke points out.

"It's not what he did, its what he said" Lexa admits and despite her life not being in a serious position like Jake's she would have give in the second she opened her eyes if it wasn't for him.

"What did he say?" Clarke questioned pulling Lexa to lay back against the armchair with her.

"I felt dizzy and heavy" Lexa said after a moment remembering the accident. "I didn't want to move, my body refused it as I couldn't see clearly" She furrows her brows in concentration as her memory take's her back step by step. "He was worried for me, and didn't care about himself. I noticed him getting tired, yet he was telling me to stay awake." Lexa turns around to face Clarke to see understanding eyes listening to each and every word. "I was ready to give in to sleep, ready to give up to what my body ached for me to do and then he told me a memory" Lexa smiled. "He spoke about you being born, and it was the best moment in his life" Lexa confesses taking her girlfriends hand in her own. "He kept me awake too because he spoke of you" Lexa admitted. "and then I just needed to see you" The silence lingered for a moment but honestly Lexa didn't need words, she could tell how Clarke felt in that very moment by the smile on her face, the way blue eyes traced Lexa asking the question Lexa so often asked about Clarke. Is this real?

"I love you" Clarke confesses capturing Lexa's lips in a beat. She felt the sheer amount of love Clarke wanted her to feel in that moment as their lips moulded together so urgent and sensual while Clarke held her close like she was her lifeline. The moan that vibrated against her lips was something that instantly sent goose bumps across Lexa's arms as she held the blonde just as close and in truth be told she never wanted to let her go.
 
---

There was always a song out there for Lexa, a song that defined a part in her life that could explain how she felt and why she felt it a lot better than she ever could. She found it fascinating that someone else out there could feel what you were feeling, had been through a similar experience and how someone wrote it down and created art, created magic as her mother would correct. Before Clarke entered her life her songs were somewhat heavy and maybe a little dark the more common word people would use would be depressing. Yet each word to every depressing song she listened to struck something in the brunette, she had felt heartbroken despite never falling in love before, she felt lost and insecure, she felt alone and like nothing would ever get better so it would have been rather odd to listen to songs like 'we're walking on sunshine' because she felt the exact opposite.

Until Clarke that is.

Lexa brought her eyes away from her iPod to look over to the blonde who was laying on her stomach chewing on the tip of a pen as her legs swayed side to side while she began copying notes from her computer. It was impossible not to smile as the blonde frowned at something before scribbling it out and writing something else. She watched the blonde's lips move as she spoke but heard nothing past the music in her ears. She had done it four times already but Lexa did it just as eagerly as the times before.

"What?" Lexa questioned pulling her head phones from her ears as Clarke looked over her shoulder at the brunette.

"Oh nothing" Clarke smiled "Was just talking to myself again"

"Oh. ok" Lexa said before placing her headphones back in her ears. Four times she had pulled the headphones from her ears, and each time Clarke had been speaking to herself, it was a new habit Lexa was quickly leaning about the blonde and it made her smile every time. Being home with Clarke was exactly how you would expect it to have been, Clarke still refused Lexa to do anything for herself despite many protests from the brunette only eventually obliging when Clarke would pull out a very mean threat like sleeping in their own beds. Everything was exactly how it should be.

Only it wasn't.

She focused back on her iPod once more skipping from one song to the next. None of them were right, none of them spoke the words that had unsettled the brunette for days. She tried ignoring it she really did but the horrible pit in her stomach turned when ever she thought about it, when ever she would snuggle down with Clarke at night and whisper 'I love you' When ever Clarke would sooth her and comfort her if she had a nightmare with were now rare. Even when ever Clarke would just be laying on her bed swinging her legs innocently. Even when she was six years old being led by the hand to a unfamiliar place she still never felt as scared as she was at the thought of Clarke being miles away from her because Lexa knew this was already the beginning of the end. Clarke never spoke about the colleges she was applying for and Lexa just wished she would. Maybe that was the first sign, the first sign of Clarke not being in this quite like Lexa. As each song played after the next Lexa closed her eyes willing her brain to stop over thinking because that's all it had been doing for the last week, its all it could do as Clarke and Lexa never spoke about being apart. She tried blaming her thoughts on being overwhelmed, overwhelmed with the accident, overwhelmed with her new found emotions for the blonde which only seemed to keep intensifying with every passing day barely giving her time to process the quick change. When she opened her eyes once more they fell immediately on the relaxed blonde still chewing on the edge of her pen oblivious to Lexa's turmoil. Oblivious to the fact that Lexa was slowly shielding herself from the world and returning back in to her shell as her continued thoughts echoed in her brain, Oblivious to the fact that Lexa's feeling had become so overwhelming in the last few days that she was struggling to take them in. This wasn't something she was use to, it wasn't something she had felt before so finally after having years of being alone and feeling nothing but empty and disappointment  falling in love with someone was a big jump. A gigantic jump.
Before she had time to process her feelings, time to write them down with pen to paper, before she had time to get her head around falling in love with the blonde and after finally accepting it when she eventually confessed it she thought that would be the overwhelming stage over with.

She was wrong.

So very wrong.

With every smile, every laugh, every new little thing Lexa learnt about Clarke with every passing day her heart would beat with a pounding to the ribs, she would smile beyond the stage you could even call it a smile anymore, it was only then that she realised the most overwhelming stage isn't the moment you realise you love someone, it was each day she fell in love more and more for the most stupidest of reasons like Clarke talking to herself. 

She was grateful of the disturbance as her phone vibrated in her pocket stopping her from skipping from song to song, stopping her from watching Clarke write notes down as she spoke to herself, stopping her from overthinking.

Costia: I've just unpacked. You want me to come over or do you want me to pick you up? x

As she reread the message her eyes drifted over to her girlfriend who was more than occupied. She hesitated for a moment before writing a reply knowing Clarke would not be happy about her moving to much, but she needed to get out the house she needed to breathe, she needed to talk to her best friend.

Lexa : Pick me up please x

As she sent the message Lexa knew she needed to go downstairs and put her shoes on knowing it take's her a little longer to now put her shoes on thanks to the stitches being across her stomach. When she swung her legs of the bed and walked carefully over to the door she stopped only at the sound of Clarke's voice.

"Where are you going?" Clarke questioned standing up quickly like she would fetch anything Lexa needed.

"Costia got home a few hours ago" Lexa said gently turning around. "I'm going to see her."

"oh" Clarke said a little surprised not expecting that to come out her mouth. "Well maybe she should come here, you shouldn't really move to much" Clarke offered taking a few steps forward.

"We're going to hers actually" Lexa admitted  "I'm fine, really."

"You shouldn't really over work" Clarke tried again not wanting Lexa to leave.

"I just need to get out" Lexa confessed

"Oh" Clarke nodded dropping her gaze between them as her nodding continued. "I understand" She offered a smile but Lexa knew it didn't quite meet blue eyes.

When Lexa got downstairs she sat on the bottom step bending down to place her shoe on her foot flinching as her stitches felt tighter than ever.

"I can do it" Clarke offered already bending down to help.

"I've got it" Lexa snapped out in frustration making Clarke take a step back with a frown before crossing her arms over her chest. She regretted it the second she said it knowing this wasn't Clarke's fault. She was just in pain, and fed up of not being able to do things for herself and constantly having Clarke do things for her, and maybe a little bit of her deeper thoughts seeming out. "Sorry" Lexa said gently standing up. "I didn- " she stuttered her nervous self back in play. "I didn't mean that" Lexa said softly placing her arms around her girlfriend. Only when She felt Clarke hug her back did she let out a heavy breath.

"It's ok" Clarke said soothingly nuzzling her nose in Lexa's neck. "Be careful ok" Clarke said shakily her voice filled with worry at letting Lexa out of her sight.

"I will" Lexa whispers while feeling Clarke's finger tips push under the hem of her top to sooth her hip. It was little things like this, such small little things that Lexa had become addicted to, her finger tips tracing patterns across her hips, her nose nuzzling in the crook of Lexa's neck before she placed a tender kiss to her pulse point. She had only minutes ago decided to leave and Clarke took mere second to make her wish she wasn't going anywhere at all.
That's one of the worst but best parts of being in Love Lexa concluded.
One minute she would be worried sick, thinking about everything negative that could happen everything that she feared and everything that overwhelmed her. Yet one look, one touch from Clarke removed all of it and all that was left was want, love and pure bliss until she released her again.

"Let's put your shoes on" Clarke offered pulling away from the embrace to bend down and place Lexa's shoes on.

"Thank you" Lexa said sincerely

"What are girlfriends for?" Clarke questioned as she came back up to meet Lexa. "Just remember if my eyes ever roll out, you have to take care of me to" Clarke said jokingly lightening the mood.

"Eyes fall out?" Lexa laughed as they held one another once more.

"Could happen" Clarke shrugs as if peoples eyes just drop out on a normal day to day. "I could sneeze"

"I love you" Lexa confesses while shaking her head at her girlfriend.

"Even if I had no eyes?" Clarke questioned already leaning towards Lexa's lips.

"I'll get you a patch" Lexa hummed her eyes struggling to focus on blue eyes as they continued to drop to her favourite lips.

"And a parrot?" Clarke teases inching that little bit closer with a teasing smile.

"You have one of those already" Lexa whispers unable to focus on blue eyes any longer as they stay transfixed on the lips she needs to taste. "Anya" she breathes

"True" Clarke hums no longer caring about their conversation as she feels Lexa's heavy breath against her wet lips. Clarke closes the space between them, causing Lexa's breath to vanish from her lungs as her senses come to life with Clarke's tasteful lips chasing her own. The second they kiss, they never want to part, their breathing mingles in with one another as they keep it slow and steady, like they had never tasted one another before and they desperately needed too.

The sound of a car honking is what pulls them apart, slowly and reluctantly.

"That's Costia" Lexa breaths her eyes still closed as she sucks in her bottom lip to reveal in the taste of Clarke.

"Yeah" Clarke breaths. "You should.."

"Yeah" Lexa whispers back her eyes finally opening to catch those beautiful blue eyes mapping out Lexa's healing cuts and bruises with worry.

"Come back to me?" Clarke questioned with a hidden message to please be careful.

"I will"

As she entered Costia's Car she was greeted with the most excited warm welcome she had ever received from her best friend. When she hugged her it lingered and Lexa smiled as she held her back just as tight knowing the silent words that didn't need spoken.
"I will kill you if you ever do anything like this again" Costia pointed out warningly with a smile while tracing Lexa's healing face.

"never again" Lexa assured with a laugh like she had a choice the first time.

As the car began to pull away she took one more look at the house, noticing Clarke was standing at the front door watching them off. She smiled to herself, she smiled until the house was no longer in view only for it to slowly fade out as the car got further and further away. Her dreadful thoughts slowly crept in to her mind once again, the worst one yet as the realisation hit her. This is what it will be like one day, one day soon as she drives away from Clarke and Clarke drives away from her, hoping with everything they have they will come back to one another, but what if they don't?

"What's going on?" Costia questioned studding her best friend with concern.

That was the question wasn't it. What was going on? One minute she was upstairs worrying, the next minute Clarke took all that away in seconds like Lexa was never in turmoil, and fear and now she was back to feeling sick at losing the woman she loved because of distance.

"I'm so confused" Lexa quietly confessed starring out the window.

"Is it Clarke?" Costia questioned after a moment.

It was. It was always Clarke.