Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

She willed herself to just ignore and not react but as she closed her eyes and bit her tongue she did it again. She knew she was trying to get a reaction but despite her trying to ignore Anya blowing small balls of tissue at her face threw a straw, had Clarke just about ready to kill her. She kept telling herself this was not the place or the time as she played with her girlfriends fingers but as another hit her face she lost all control of biting her tongue as her teeth clenched so tight she was worried they would break. She dared herself to raise her angry gaze to her cousin only to be met with Anya smugly grinning back at her while reloading the straw. She watched Anya's brows raise in challenge as she brought the tip of the straw to her lips daring her to say anything as she waited patiently, but as Clarke willed her mouth closed another small ball hit her in the head.

"Come here" Clarke ordered  pointing to the ground beside her

"What for?" Anya laughs

"Just come here" Clarke encourages like she had a top secret she wanted to share.

"Screw that" Anya smirked "You're going to hit me"

"Hit you?" Clarke shook her head in disbelief with a chuckle. "I'm going to hit you so hard even google won't find you"  she says seriously with a glare to her cousin.

"Huh?" Anya nods amused. "Lucky we have Bing and yahoo then huh?" Her smirk growing even wider as she blows yet another ball of tissue at her cousin.

"Why are you here again?" 

"Do you have your period?" Anya questioned while rolling the small ball between her fingers.

"What?" Clarke questioned furrowing her brows. "No. Are you kidding me right now? You are the rea-"

"You seem annoyed?"

"I am annoyed!" Clarke snaps.

"Why?" Anya grins pushing her feet under her bum as she shifts to get comfortable in the terrible chair the hospital provide.

"Don't even say another word" Clarke ordered shaking her head angry at herself for letting her cousin get the rise she wanted. Clarke breathed a heavy breath when no other words were followed as she squeezed Lexa's hand once more willing, begging her to open her eyes again, she had been asleep for another six hours and Clarke's eyes lids were beginning to feel the heaviness pulling them down but fort repeatedly against it until Lexa's eyes opened once more.

"You should try anger management" Anya suggested after a moment in to the silenced room her eyes still teasing with the arrogant smirk tattooed to her face.

"You seriously inspire my inner serial killer" Clarke scrolls

"Ohh Do tell!" Anya grinned leaning forward "Give me details"

"You're sick"

"You said it" Anya Laughs.

"Do you have a mute button?" Clarke questioned scanning her eyes across her cousin in hope.

"Hmm. I think I do" Anya smirks standing up searching her body before looking at her own behind. "It's on my arse" She grins pushing it out further "Press it if you like"

"How are we related?" Clarke questioned pushing back in her chair causing her to let go of her girlfriends hand. She was exhausted beyond belief and despite knowing Anya was just trying to distract her from overthinking she still felt sick to the stomach at the thought of the crash. She came so close to losing two very important people to her she knew she didn't, and that was beyond any relief she had ever felt but it scared Clarke at how quickly things could change, how quickly she could have lost her dad, how quickly she could have lost the woman she is deeply in love with. It scared her that she was still petrified despite knowing they were now in the healing process.

"I need a coffee. Want one?" Clarke questioned already pushing herself to her feet.

"Sure. Two sugars." Anya said to occupied with making paper balls to lift her gaze to see the blonde leave making her miss the way Clarke leant against the closed door for a few seconds in the hall in exhaustion and worry. 


It felt like only seconds since Clarke left the room to fetch coffee but as Anya lined each ball neatly in a line against her hospital chair she didn't notice Lexa shift in bed. She was oblivious to everything until suddenly Lexa bolted up right in bed shouting Clarke's name until her body panted for oxygen as sweat trickled down her forehead.

"Holy shit" Anya screeched jumping in her seat as she clutched her hand to her chest knocking the neat line of balls to the ground. "fuck" She breathed as she quickly stood to her feet eyes never leaving Lexa as she continued to pant out heavy breaths in a panic with green eyes scattering across the room. "Lexa" She said softly while trying to calm her own heart, she pushed her bum on the edge of Lexa's bed trying to get her to focus by placing each hand on Lexa's face. "Breathe" She ordered firmly as she inhaled her own breath slowly as she searched petrified green eyes. "That's is" She encouraged as Lexa began to inhale her eyes still struggling to stay still as she searched for something. Anya allowed her own eyes to trail down Lexa's body quickly noticing the blood seeping threw her gown on her stomach. "That's it" Anya continued her eyes coming back to green. "Keep doing that ok?" She questioned. "I'm just going to shout for a doctor" Only when Lexa's breathing regulated and her grip loosened on the hospital bed sheet did Anya quickly move over to the door and fling it open.

"Doctor!" She shouted popping her head out not caring how dramatic she sounded or how loud she was being she was in a little bit of a panic having never watched someone wake like that before. Before any doctor could respond Anya quickly made herself back over to Lexa scared that her breathing would change again, but despite her breathing a lot calmer she couldn't help but notice her green eyes full of fear and confusion as she continued searching for something. "The doctors coming ok?" Anya questioned not waiting for a answer "I think you should lay back down though yeah? I think you tore your stitches moving so fast"

Within seconds harper was walking back in the room as Anya was helping Lexa lay back down comfortably. The second she noticed harper how ever she was speaking her words quicker than she could get them out.

"She just woke up. She was struggling to breath properly. I don't know what happened, she was fine one minute. Now she is bleeding" She rushed

"Ok" Harper said moving around to her patients side to look at the bloody gown. "How are You feeling Lexa?" Harper said softly  as she began her examination while Anya stood awkwardly.

"Sore" Lexa admitted after a moment as she looked out the glass window in her room in to the hospital halls. "Where's Clarke?" Lexa questioned looking over to Anya.

"Oh Clarke! Yeah! I'll just go get her!" Anya said shaking her own head at her stupidity of course she was searching for Clarke. "I'll be right back" Anya said quickly excusing herself.

--

The decision was made. Anya was going to kill Clarke when she finally found her. She had searched the cafeteria in a rush to find nothing, she had roamed the halls to find nothing, she pushed each cubicle door open in the toilets and found nothing. She even barged in to Jake's room causing a panic as Abby made it her mission to go and check on Lexa herself with the new information. Anya was planning Clarke's death as she paced outside Lexa's room waiting on her to be stitched back up. She unconsciously shook her head a number of times as she paced the halls arms tightly crossed against her chest as her head looked to the doors every time someone came threw.
"Where the hell are you!" she mumbled to herself before hastily sitting down and shaking her leg while closing her eyes to calm her self down. She knew she was over reacting, she knew that Lexa would be ok but she had never watched someone have a nightmare like that, she had never watched someone wake up to the point she needed guidance in breathing, she had never seen so much fear in someone eyes. So when Lexa asked for Clarke, she just wanted to give her that.


"Anya?" Clarke questioned furrowing her brows as she pushed threw the doors. "Why are you outside?" She questioned looking to her panicked cousin before looking to the hospital room which now had the curtains closed. 

"Where the hell were you!" Anya snapped standing to her feet and marching up to the blonde. 

"What's going on?" Clarke questioned her eyes unable to focus on anything than the room Lexa was in.

"She woke up" Anya said quickly shaking her head. "I think she had a nightmare, she couldn't breathe and then I noticed her bleeding" 

"what?" Clarke questioned shakily quickly pushing past Anya before feeling a arm holding her back.

"Wait" Anya said calmly. "She tore her stitches as she woke" Anya explained. "She looked really scared Clarke" Anya rarely showed emotions but for some reason when it came to Lexa she melted like butter. "Your moms in there right now, she insisted stitching her back up and Lexa asked for you when she woke" The blonde only nodded wanting to get to Lexa as quickly as possible as she handed over both cups of coffee before heading back in to Lexa's room with a gentle knock on the door but before she had time to open the door her mom was pulling it from the other side.

"Clarke" Abby said a little surprised before relaxing in to a gentle smile "make sure she rest!" Abby said before looking over her shoulder with a smirk knowing Lexa heard exactly what she had said but Clarke was already transfixed with Lexa's green eyes watching her carefully. "I'll be back to check on you later" Abby grins shaking her head while rolling her eyes as she shut the door.

"Hey you" Clarke said so softly her feet still froze to the spot.

"Hi" Lexa spoke just as soft her eyes fluttering close as she finally relaxed against the pillow behind her giving Clarke the shake she needed to move closer. They were like magnets, destined to attach to one another as Clarke quickly slid her bum on the bed cupping Lexa's cheek as she found Lexa's hand with her other resting their forehead against each others.

"Hi" Clarke repeated threw the widest grin she ever felt feeling her eyes water in happiness, fear and the warm fuzzy feeling Lexa always seemed to shoot threw every nerve of her body.

"Hi" Lexa echoed her smile now growing just as wide as green eyes regain their sparkle. "You look tired" Lexa admitted as she began playing with blonde locks hanging past her shoulder keeping the blonde's forehead against hers.

"I am" Clarke admits "You look sore"

"Just a little" Lexa says shyly dropping her eyes between them before bringing them back to blue. Clarke loved that, she loved that Lexa never lost her shyness, the way her eyes dropped so innocently and so gentle as her big heart showed the person she was. Beautiful, truly inside and out.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke" Clarke said gently squeezing the brunettes hand regretting ever going to get coffee or for answering her phone and stepping outside the hospital for a few minutes.  "Anya said you couldn't breath" Clarke said hesitantly while green eyes continued to watch her lovingly before dropping between them once more. "What happened?" Clarke questioned moving her forehead from Lexa's to look at her more clearly.

"I Dreamt about the accident" Lexa admitted after a moment of silence deciding to take up her constant habit as she reached out and fiddled with the hem of Clarke's top between her fingers keeping her eyes contact on that instead of looking at Clarke. "You was there instead of Jake" Lexa admitted nervously grinding the material more roughly against her thumb. "It was different" the harsh swallow Lexa did caught Clarke's attention even more.

"How?" Clarke soothed pushing Lexa's hair away from her pale face.

"I couldn't think" Lexa shook her head. "Not properly." Lexa breathed closing her eyes like she was reliving the dream. "You were hurt. You couldn't move" Lexa stuttered. "Like Jake"

"You saved his life" Clarke admitted softly with a proud smile not understanding Lexa's point.

"I didn't save you" Lexa said after a moment "I couldn't think clearly" Lexa breathed shaking her head once more before finally Looking in to Clarke's eye for the first time as she told the story. "I couldn't think properly because it was you, so I didn't think" Lexa admitted. When Clarke looked in to Lexa's eyes for the first time since entering the room she understood what Anya meant when she said she was scared, because behind the green eyes she had fell so in love with, was the fear of her actions, the fear or what could have happened and the fear of what the outcome would have been if it was the blonde instead of Jake.

"It's just a nightmare" Clarke tried to sooth but she understood it, she understood the hidden confession that was, Lexa couldn't think properly when it came to Clarke, and she was scared more than anything to hurt her. "That won't happen" Clarke breathed placing a gentle lingering kiss to the brunettes lips in reassurance, in pleading for her not to pull back out of fear.

"Clarke" Lexa whispered pressing their foreheads together once more. "I want you in everyway there is to want a person" Lexa admits "You scare me more than anyone or anything ever has" The whispered confession made Clarke smile in a way she couldn't explain. Yes they had confessed their love and Lexa had read from her diary her true feelings but she had never confessed them how she just did.

"hmm" Clarke hummed with the dopiest grin on her face, she wasn't even sure how she was going to successfully kiss Lexa right now but she would be dammed if she wouldn't try. "Can I kiss you?" She questioned eyes flickering to green eyes before looking at Lexa's delicate plump lips already licking her own lips in anticipation as she leans in in the slightest.

"Yes" Lexa whispered causing another wave of warmth to flow threw her body right before connecting her lips with Lexa's. When their lips met it was all kinds of gentle, a gentleness in fear of hurting Lexa, a gentleness in sending a message showing how much they love one another, and as Clarke shifted position angling their heads in the other direction before capturing Lexa's lips once more to send one final message, a message that they both feared. Only when Lexa let out a gentle moan that vibrated against Clarke's lips did their lips separate allowing their smiles to grow.

"If you scare me like that again I will kill you" Clarke warned causing Lexa to laugh before smacking Clarke's arm gently.


---


"Where the hell are my balls!" Anya groaned searching around the hospital floor doing anything and everything to avoid looking at the two women making her nauseas with their constant I love yous, kisses and never ending touches of affection.

"Who touched my balls?" Anya scoffed placing her hands on her hips "What the hell am I going to blow now?" She huffed slouching back in her chair clamping her eyes shut in fear of looking at the gross people in front of her.

"Your balls?" Lexa questioned unable to not laugh, thinking it was just another Anya moment as she placed her hands over her mouth Looking to her girlfriend who was just smirking devilishly as she played with Lexa's fingers.

"I need them to entertain myself!" Anya admitted peeking one of her eyes open to see if it was clear to look, when it was she opened her other before continuing. "Tell her Clarke"

"She had been annoying me all morning with them" Clarke smirked shaking her head very aware of how the conversation sounds unlike her cousin.

"Oh please you loved it when they smack you in the face" Anya admits making both girls laugh, Lexa a little bit more confused but still equally as funny as Anya certainly did not have balls. "Why are you both laughing?" Anya questioned confused looking from one girl to the other.

"Because you just told them you have balls and now you can't entertain yourself, oh and you like hitting Clarke in the face with them" Raven Pointed out upon entering the room.

"Ray!" Clarke announced standing to her feet to hug her friend. "How did you know we were here?" She questioned confused as she moved back to her original seat that just so happened to be as close to Lexa as possible.

"Oh" Raven stuttered looking to Anya before diverting her eyes else where. "The school" She lied "Lexa didn't make it to the airport and you wasn't in school today" She shrugged "Your mom must have called them and they informed us" Ok so she didn't completely lie, the school had infact announced the horrible accident at school the next morning as Abby had informed them of the events and that Clarke would not be in for a few days which the school fully understood, however Raven knew before, she just wasn't about to tell her one of her best friends that her cousin rang her a little distressed after Lexa woke.

"Oh. That's good of them" Clarke nodded turning back to face Lexa as she snuggled closer to her on the bed before placing a gentle kiss to Lexa's temple.

"I swear I will rip my eyes out and stamp on them if you carry on!" Anya whined covering her eyes before turning to raven thankful of a excuse to stare instead of being discreet.

"Anya" Clarke said causing her to look back, she wished she didn't as Clarke planted dozens of kisses across Lexa's entire face making her giggle and Anya look for the sick bag as she cringed looking back to Raven.

"How are you even looking?" Anya questioned grossed out.

"She could have died" Raven shook her shoulders "Besides it's cute" Raven admitted before getting lost in their own conversation.

"You should sleep" Lexa said softly toying with Clarke's index finger between her own.

"I'm fine" Clarke defended wanting to be awake. "You know you're so beautiful" Clarke says honestly making Lexa smile wider.

"You must be tired" Lexa teased very aware of her bruised, cut up face. "I look terrible"

"No such thing" Clarke breathed pecking her girlfriends lips once more as she snuggled more closely in to her.

"Close your eyes" Lexa tries once more knowing she wouldn't have to try to hard with how Clarke's eye lids had been halfway closed threw out majority of the day.

"No" Clarke yawns placing her hand around Lexa's waist like her body was obliging to everything Lexa asked although vocally she refused.

She smiled to herself as Clarke gripped her gently but tightly as she fort against her eye lids repeatedly denying them the desire they craved. Only when Lexa kissed the tip of Clarke's nose lovingly did Clarke's eyes close at the tender touch, but she struggled opening them once more eventually giving in and allowing her body to rest exactly where she wanted to be. Right beside Lexa.

"Costia texted me" Raven said snapping herself out of Anya's and her own conversation. "actually she has been filling up my phone since I told her i'll be coming to see you today" Raven laughed pulling her phone out to scroll threw the messages. "She said.. tell her I love her and I'm thinking of her!"  Raven smiled looking up. "That's just the start of it by the way" she laughed looking back down to her phone. "She said she is going to seriously kill you when she gets home for almost dying when she was stuck on a plane unable to get to you!" Raven laughed before handing the phone over to Lexa to read the last message. "You can read this one to yourself"

Costia: Hey Lex, I just wanted to say I'm really worried. I know your ok because you're you but I'm so angry at you for doing this while  it is impossible for me to come see you. I hear you're like a superhero now huh? Saving lives! I leave you for what 5 minutes and you're already getting the whole school talking about you. I'm not really sure how good of a connection I will have out here, but when you get a minute and only when you feel up to it I want you to face time me. That's a order btw! Take care Lex, and if you don't I'm sure Clarke will! Lots of love! xx p.s : it won't be the same here without you.

She smiled threw out the duration of the text before handing Ravens phone back to her.

"Nope still don't trust her" Anya said after a brief moment of silence while shaking her head.

"Why?" Lexa questioned quietly careful not to wake her Clarke.

"She want's to get in your pants!" Anya stated like it was the most obvious thing "She is just biding her time. Trust me I know what I'm talking about"

"She's my best friend" Lexa said carefully

"Yeah and all best friends fall in love. Well known fact" Anya pointed out slouching in her chair like she was worried

"Sure they do" Raven laughed patting Anya on the back "found your balls yet?" Raven mocked rolling her eyes at Lexa as she shook her head silently telling the brunette to ignore the idiot and her balls.  "Besides a birdy told me that Sex bot has a thing for finny boy!"

"Sex bot?" Lexa questioned

"Oh that's Costia. I mean got to admit she is sexy as hell" Anya quickly cleared her throat shooting a look towards Raven with raised eye brows.

"Sex bot!" Anya snapped. "pfft please she would have to eat her make up just to be pretty on the inside" Anya scrolled "i'd give up hope on the outside" she says casually shrugging her shoulders as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"Are you jealous?" Raven teased forgetting Lexa sitting quiet in the bed.

"God!" Anya laughed. "Jealous. Jealous of what?" Anya snapped turning to face Raven fully. Lexa just looked from one girl to the other completely confused at what was going on, and why they were arguing all of a sudden.

"That she's sexy" Raven smirked. The simple scoff Anya did as she narrowed her eyes had Raven about ready to laugh.

"She look's like a buffalo" Anya said calmly taking a deep breath.

"I like her"

"Well you didn't like her that much when you begged me to kiss you now did you" Anya said without thinking only realising when Raven looked to a confused and shocked looking Lexa before back to Anya.

"Shit" Anya muttered "Hmm in my dreams" she said awkwardly shaking it of "Because that never happened" she shook her head laughing it of as she began scanning the floor once more in distraction "Where the hell are my balls!" she whined.

Lexa still had no idea what balls Anya was on about.

---


It had been hours since the blonde first closed her eyes, Anya and Raven had been and gone, Abby had popped in to check to see how she was doing and shook her head at her sleeping daughter as it looked like she owned majority of the bed while snoring in the crock of Lexa's neck. She knew she should sleep as well and restore her energy as she was still in the healing process but honestly, she couldn't take her eyes of Clarke. She trailed her lips, her long lashes and tiny nose until she was looking at the greasy pony tail Clarke had threw her hair in, she wasn't sure how many times she had done that exact thing but she knew she couldn't stop. Her nightmare had stirred something in her, something that was stopping her from closing her eyes as she pictured Clarke's blonde hair all bloody like her dream, the tears in her eyes as she yelped in pain that 'it hurts'  causing Lexa to panic and want to do everything she could anything to help stop the pain, which resulted in not thinking correctly, doing the wrong thing instead of the right until Clarke's pale skin was paler, her eyes heavier until she just didn't move. It scared her way past any nightmare ever had, it scared her more that maybe the meaning behind it was Clarke made her careless, Clarke made her do the one think she didn't want to do, all because she loved her to much to think responsibly. She squeezed Clarke unconsciously tighter to her repeating Clarke's words. 'It's just a nightmare' repeatedly.

"You're so snuggly" Clarke croaked burying her face further in to Lexa's neck. It was strange what a single voice could do, a single simple sound. God Lexa wasn't sure she would ever get use to it as she turned to face her girlfriend pulling away slightly to see her buried face making her smile as this was the exact reason Lexa loved waking up first. Clarke all sleepy and refusing to wake up was the best part of her day with all her adorableness and childlike behaviour. "You smell so good" Clarke hummed breathing Lexa in more.

"I stink" Lexa confessed with a smirk as Clarke refused to open her eyes and accept that she was now awake.

"Nice" Clarke added wiggling her eyebrows as if they were dancing while her eyes never opened. "What are you thinking about?" Clarke questioned after a moment bringing her hand to rest over Lexa's chest as she fights to flutter her lids open.

"How do you know I'm thinking about something?" Lexa whispered with a gentle smile before placing her hand over Clarke's.

"Because" Clarke grinned cockily. "I am deeply in love with you Lexa woods" She admitted "Causing me to pay a stupid amount of attention Learning everything about you" She says proudly without a doubt in her mind Lexa was in deep thought.

"I like that" Lexa whispered her confession fiddling with Clarke's hand as her shyness shone through.

"Like what?" Clarke questioned lifting herself to rest her head on her hand looking down at Lexa. "That I love you? Or that I care?"

"Both" Lexa admits her eyes dropping between them shyly "You make me feel like I have everything" She admits never making eye contact and Clarke smiles that little bit more at her brave confessions.

"So do you" Clarke admits leaning down slightly to capture Lexa's lips in a soft lingering kiss and Clarke resisted the urge to nip Lexa's lower lip gently.

"Your mom came in" Lexa confessed worriedly

"She did?"

"Yeah" Lexa breathed fiddling with Clarke's fingers nervously. "She brought college books in" she says quietly it was a topic Clarke and Lexa had avoided.

"Ok" Clarke said resting against Lexa's once more. "Have you had a look?" Clarke questioned.

"Have you?" Lexa questioned biting her own bottom lip when Clarke nodded. Of course Clarke would have looked they had already prolonged it long enough. She knew they had only been together 5 months but she loved Clarke, she leaned on Clarke and somewhere Clarke had became her everything. She was scared it would be over before they could really start. How dumb was that? The girl that had knew nothing but to be alone her entire life was now more scared than ever to going back to that.

"I'm not scared" Clarke breathed cupping Lexa's cheek as she glided her thumb back and forth soothingly. "I love you. It's that simple. Nothing will change for us ok" Clarke reassured, although it did little despite Lexa nodding in agreement she just hoped it really wouldn't.

"Clarke" 

"Yeah?"

"I think Raven and Anya are like" Lexa's green eyes connected with blue unsure of what they were actually doing. "Kissing and stuff" She settled with causing Clarke to sit up straight with wide eyes and jaw wide.

"What makes you think that?" Clarke questioned like it was a rumour.

"Anya said Raven begged her to kiss her" 

At that Clarke shot up straight in bed eyes wide stopping herself from laughing instead settling for a smirk.

"No fucking way!" 


(on't want the girls becoming distant! Thank you for you're patients and I hope you enjoy the chapter! Sorry it's not that long, but like I said that stupid part where she woke up was annoying as I wanted it slightly different but hey, have some fluff!)