Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!
6th October.

I feel like I write this sentence more than any other, but again I have a new home.I think I've come to accept that maybe I was designed to be alone, that maybe my life was always meant to be this way so I can't bring myself to unpack because
not only do they always send me back anyway, but this family already have a daughter who looks like they can't wait to see me gone, as much as I cant wait to go.
Her name is Clarke and although I've only spoken to her briefly she already looks at me like a freak and she thinks I'm a mute.
She's not like me, and now she is stuck with me with no choice as I invade her privacy and share her room.
I think I would hate me to.
She told me i have beautiful eyes. It was random really like she just blurted it out, but I'm not sure why.

For as long as I can remember I've always acted like I have no heart to break, because it would hurt less right? If you shield yourself from the harsh world
then I would be ok, but I think the thing that hurts the most and always will is that out off billions of people not one of them cares about me nor love me.
I cant bring myself to sleep because I start everything new again tomorrow, new life, new home, new school, but it always ends the same.

I just really wish my mum was still here.
Alexandria!

She wasn't sure what she was expecting to read or what she expected Lexa to actually write about her but what ever it was it wasn't that. Even after the entry came to a end her eyes kept seeking for something within the empty lines, as she processed what she had just read. It was only then that she realised this book would allow her to see more things about Lexa than she could imagine, this book represented her heart. Clarke didn't realise how much she gripped both sides of the book, she didn't notice her knuckles turning white as she scanned through the empty lines at the bottom but she did notice the shift in bed, the warmth of Lexa's body move against her own beside her and that's what tore her eyes away from Lexa's broken written words. When her eyes met with Lexa's she felt her grip loosen on the book as Lexa's eyes scanned her own nervously, waiting on something as she nervously played with the quilt between her fingers, she wanted to say something she could tell the blonde have come to notice when Lexa searched for the right words so Clarke waited despite being desperate to voice her own words as the words just kept sinking lower and lower.

"I needed you to read this, to be able to see the change" Lexa admits quietly pressing her head to Clarke's shoulder once more as she faces the book infront of her. There was silence for a moment, only a short moment but it felt like forever. Clarke closed the book and pushed it aside before gripping Lexa and pulling her above her.

"I want you" Clarke whispered cupping her cheek as she sits straighter bringing her closer to the brunette. Lexa melted in the palm of Clarke's hand, pushing herself more in to it to keep such comfort, such gentleness. "I care." Clarke continued.

"I believe you" Lexa smiles softly feeling Clarke bring her forehead to rest on her own.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way" Clarke confessed pushing brown hair behind Lexa's ear while her eyes struggled to decide where they wanted to stay darting from one feature to the next until she was unable to stop herself capturing Lexa's lips in a sweet lingerie kiss that was desperate. It wasn't desperate for passion, or desperate with need but more of a desperation for Lexa to believe her, to apologise for ever making her feel that way as she is far from all of those, it was a kiss that desperately needed Lexa to know that she was sorry she ever made her feel this way, or felt this this way at all.

"Are you going to kiss me after every entry?" Lex questioned after parting the kiss but having Clarke still hold her close, she couldn't deny the smile that lit her face.

"More than likely" Clarke admits pecking Lexa's lips once more, which only made Lexa bite back a giggle as she placed herself beside Clarke once more.

"You should read the next one" Lexa instructed resting her head against Clarke's shoulder again as Clarke grabbed the book.

"Just because you want another kiss" Clarke teased nuzzling her head in to the side of Lexa's as her smile dropped rethinking Lexa's words. She hated her feeling that way, she hated Lexa feeling alone and unloved when all Clarke had been aching to scream is how much she loves her. She regained herself as she pulled away and looked at the book flipping a few pages forward until she came to the one that was left folded over for her. She couldn't help but wonder what was written in the pages she had passed as she did a time jump."20th November" Clarke read as her brain quickly struggled to think of what had happened in them few days.

20th November

I feel different and I'm not even sure if I can explain it. I know I write about her almost every time i write in this book, but no matter how much i write I always feel like their is so much more to say. I can't explain it.. How can i explain that for as long as I can remember even when I'm not necessarily sad I've always felt empty
but somehow Clarke replaces it with something else, something that scares me but makes me smile all at once..
How can i make sense of something that doesn't really make sense?
I've never had a problem writing my feelings before, never needed to think about what to write or why i feel that way but with Clarke, Clarke has me tapping my pen against my book with no clue where to start..
Ever since i was six years old I've learnt to be alone because I had no choice. Everyone stopped looking at me like they use to, and it was quickly
replaced with a new look, a look I wasn't use to nor understood until I grew some more, but all their eyes held were pity, sympathy or disgust as they discover I don't have a home or family so they paint their own picture of a troubled child.
but Clarke doesn't, she looks at me for me.
She scares me more than anything ever has yet I love it when she calls me her girlfriend, I think she knows.. she always smirks when she calls me it so I think she defiantly knows!
For the first time i actually feel like I'm alive and not just living and despite my fears of the way she makes me feel, i think I'm more scared
that it will just stop and all this would have just been a dream, and that scares me more because..
because i think about her every minute of everyday and for the first time in my life i want to be selfish..
She's beautiful..so beautiful and has these eyes that are just.. i can't even put a word to them.. but what I'm saying is,
i don't want to share her even if i know she can do so much better than me..
I'm scared of the feelings she makes me feel, but I'm scared of losing her even more already..
She makes me feel like my cells are dancing..
She makes me feel like I'm drunk but sober..
She makes me feel like I'm someone important..

There was no pause of silence or gripping tightly to the book, there was no hoping of more words to appear in the empty lines beneath the writing already written like only moments before. Instead Clarke couldn't have pushed the book aside quick enough with the cutest of smiles spread perfectly across her lips as she quickly moved position pulling at Lexa's hips dragging her down in a laying position causing Lexa to yelp in surprise. The smile only grew as she climbed over the brunette slowly biting on her bottom lip. She could see the blush in Lexa's cheeks knowing Clarke just read her most personal thoughts but her nerves were almost non existent as Clarke's naked body hovered over her clothed one.
"Can i be selfish to?" Clarke questioned looking deep in to beautiful green eyes not even waiting on a response as she pressed her lips to Lexa's. She would be lying if she said she didn't intend to deepen the kiss and hope to hear Lexa whimper in her mouth, and when she did she couldn't help but smile at how easy it was as her tounge pushed against Lexa's. Clarke's hand quickly traced down Lexa's body pushing under the material until she was gripping her hip tightly before pushing her naked body tighter against Lexa's.
"Why do you have clothes on again?" Clarke whined with a extra moan of complaint before resting her forehead against Lexa's with a heaving chest but smile still perfectly painted across her lips as her eyes flickered open to see green. "Hi girlfriend" She whispered in the softest of ways before cupping her cheek and gliding her thumb back and forth.

"Hi" Lexa grinned cheeks reddening as Clarke remembers her confession.

"i don't think I've ever smiled at a gift like this before" Clarke admits biting her bottom lip as she supressed her smile forming a full grown grin.  "And just so you know" Clarke whispered pecking Lexa's delicate lips. "I can not do better than you" Clarke admits letting her eyes flicker to vulnerable green "I'm the lucky one. Trust me"
She could feel Lexa's eyes soften at her words only causing her to snuggle closer in to the body beneath her, she would do what ever it took for Lexa to believe she meant those words from the bottom of her heart.

"Clarke" Lexa whispered bringing her hand up to pale skin gliding her finger across her cheek and through her hair line, the furrow between her brows let Clarke know she was thinking of how to say something as her brain wrapped around the right way to say it she watched Lexa swallow hard as she continued to look in to blue, and before Clarke had time to say or think anything else she found her back against the bed as Lexa now hovers above her nervously. "There is one more that i wrote that i want you to read" Lexa admitted her eyes scanning blue eyes nervously before biting her bottom lip. "But I think I want to, I think I should say it" Lexa confessed.

"Ok" Clarke hummed reaching up and pushing her lips to Lexa's feeling her eyes close on instinct, but before the kiss could deepen she pulled away before quickly pecking her lips once more "When ever you're ready" Clarke says softly pushing her fingers through brown locks and massaging Lexa's scalp until she relaxed.

"i wrote the one you read over a month ago" Lexa points out as she nervously bites her lip while her eyes continuing to scan Clarke's "I'm a little nervous" Lexa admits before reaching for the book.

"don't be" Clarke says softly as both girls reposition themselves till they are laying side by side once more.

"23rd December" Lexa reads from the book before turning to face Clarke once more only continuing when Lexa give's her an encouraging smile while snaking her arm around her waist and holding her tight.

"23rd of Dece.." Lexa repeats only pausing when she hears the heavy banging of a door coming from downstairs. 

"For god sake" Clarke huffs burying her face in the pillow with a whine.

"What's that?" Lexa questioned confused as the banging continued.

"Anya and her family, we all open our presents together so they come around at the crack of dawn" Clarke whined again burying herself in Lexa's neck. "The one time I don't want to move she forgets her key" Clarke complains "This is why I hate her" Causing Lexa to laugh

"Shouldn't we go open the door?" Lexa questioned noticing no sign of movement.

"Or we could just hope she goes away and you continue to read" Clarke pouts.

"I can read it later"

"I want you to read it now" Clarke whines only making Lexa grin wider.

"Clarke.."

"Fine! Fine" Clarke whines climbing over the brunette to find her clothes from the floor with a pout. "But just so you know, you voted to let them in not me" Clarke points out before leaning down and capturing Lexa's lips softly and slowly. "hmm" Clarke hums against the brunettes lips "I vote we stay in bed" Clarke whispered. "It's not to late?" Clarke proposes causing Lexa to kiss her lips again with a shake of the head as the banging got louder. "Fine" Clarke admitted defeat pulling her girlfriend by the hand with her out her room as the excitement for Christmas day slowly began to build as she banged on her parents door announcing Anya's arrival.

--

There was many things that normally would happen Christmas morning, many things that Clarke did every year as she buzzed with excitement, but this year was different. She would always rush her parents, uncle and aunt in to the living room ready to tear every shred of paper apart until she discovered the present hidden beneath to excited to wait for them to play catch up in the kitchen. She would always have to shove and pull her dad and uncle Gustus with them laughing at her efforts, they relented every year just for those few extra minutes till Clarke would huff in annoyance. This year was different, so very different.
Instead she found her back pressed against the kitchen counter holding her mug to her lips hiding the growing smile as she watched her family chatter in excitement all still dressed in their pyjamas. Her uncle Gus was laughing along to something her dad said, while Anya, Indra and Abby spoke with Lexa who was sat nervously at the breakfast table looking from one woman to the next. She looked nervous, there was no hiding it but Clarke loved the sight, the sight of her family enjoying Christmas morning and somehow she was unable to tear her eyes away from her girlfriend. She couldn't stop her mind wondering to the events of last night, how Lexa's body reacted to her own, how Lexa's delicate lips formed around her breathless moans, how every time Lexa moaned she wanted to hear it again and again.

"Think we should make a move to the other room" Abby announced standing from her chair gripping at her mug as she turned to Clarke "I'm surprised you're not shoving us in there already" Abby laughed already heading towards the front room as Indra followed. Clarke didn't respond she only smiled knowing her usual routine, but she was to focused, to hypnotised by the brunette now starring back at her, and for the first time she was glad of the mug hiding her biting her bottom lip as she bowed her head shyly before catching green eyes once more.

"No way!" Anya gasped wide eyed as she looked to her cousin then Lexa.

"What?" Clarke questioned finally walking closer towards her girlfriend.

"You two so had sex last night!" Anya grinned with a pointed finger.

"Anya!!" Clarke snapped her head to her cousin immediately before turning to her dad and uncle who still stood in the room.

"That's my que to leave" Jake stated holding back a laugh.

"Papa G!" Anya laughed watching Jake head for the door "It’s nothing you and auntie Abby haven't done you filthy animal" Anya laughed having Jake shake his head.

"Anya!!" Clarke snapped.

"Living room" Jake questioned Gustus before he quickly nodded both making a run for it.

"As if you just said that!!" Clarke snapped turning her attention to Lexa who had a now bright shade of pink covering her cheeks.

"What?" Anya questioned obliviously. "its natural"

"Discussing my sex life with my dad in the room is so not natural!"

"Yeah.. yeah...stop changing the topic" Anya waved of turning to Lexa before looking back to her cousin with a questioning look.  "So I'm right?" She questioned with a raised brow "You bonked?"

"Anya!" Clarke snapped once more whacking her cousins arm.

"Look I know my name ok? Stop saying it you will wear it out, seriously" she teased rolling her eyes before speaking again. "So How was it?" Anya questioned turning to one girl to the other.

"We are not talking about this" Clarke announced softly before sliding her hand down to meet Lexa's entangling them together, as green eyes connected with blue a soft smile painted their lips, if there was any other person Lexa felt comfortable with other than Clarke it was Anya.

"Awhh" Anya cooed after watching their exchange. "You two are so cute I could just steal you away and store you in a remote desolate area!" Anya grinning clapping her hands together.

"shut up" Clarke pleaded rolling her own eyes.

"Girls!" Abby shouted "Are you coming?" She questioned from the living room.

"Lexa did" Anya laughed quickly making a run for it before her cousin could hit her once more.

"I hate her" Clarke whined wrapping her arms firmly around Lexa as she stood up feeling Lexa's own arms snake around her neck.

"What were you smiling at?" Lexa questioned after a second flickering her eyes to Clarke's lips and back to her eyes. "When your mum was speaking to me?"

"You" Clarke admitted resting her forehead on the brunette.

"What about me?"

"How beautiful you are" Clarke admits pushing brunette locks over Lexa's shoulder revealing her long slender neck. "Last night" Clarke whispered placing a kiss on Lexa's pulse point. "the words you wrote in your journal, and how much I just want to go back upstairs and read the last one" Clarke admits finally resting her forehead against Lexa's. "But I can't wait till you open your present" the blonde grins pecking Lexa's eager lips as she kisses her back.

"Girls!" Abby shouted once again.

"Stop eating each others face!" Anya shouted with a laugh making Clarke huff and Lexa laugh.

"I Can't wait to read it to you" Lexa said nervously biting her bottom lip as she ignores the calls before placing one more kiss on Clarke's lips.

"God I love your lips" Clarke breathed with eyes closed. "I hate Christmas"

"You love Christmas"

"I hate it now that it made us leave bed" She pouted, tightening her hold on Lexa as she steps forward making Lexa's bum hit the kitchen table but Clarke doesn't stop as she steps that little bit closer till Lexa's bum is firmly on the table and Clarke stands between her legs.

"Maybe we can return to it later" Lexa suggested innocently with a soft smile, while playing with the hairs on Clarkes neck. "we should probably go in there"

"In a minute" Clarke whispers eyes already lost on Lexa's lips as she leans forward and connects them for what always feels like the first time. Her eyes clamp shut tightly at the first touch as her belly drowns in butterflies, forgetting the day, where they are and her normal bodily functions while all she can feel is the heat pushing through her skin, her legs weak and Lexa's lips moving perfectly against hers. Her moans are irrevocable as her mind swims with Lexa, Lexa's lips, Lexa's body, Lexa's tongue. She pushes her hand roughly in to Lexa's hair gripping it tightly keeping her as close as possible before pushing her body further against Lexa's needing to feel it all, needing to feel what she felt last night. Only when Clarke felt the gentle palm of her girlfriends hand placed across her cheek did the kiss become more slow, soft and loving, at the realization Lexa was lost with her, lost in the kiss, lost in Clarke. It took everything in the blonde to not ruin the kiss and smile, but the gentle moan Lexa gave that vibrated against Clarke's bottom lip had her pulling away barely opening her eyes to see the beautiful mess Lexa had become.

"There having sex on the table!" Anya shouted making both girls snap out of it and turn their heads towards the door. "Told you they were getting freaky aunt Abbs" Anya laughed half looking through the kitchen door and back in to the living room.

"We are not!" Clarke shouted wishing looks could kill. "Have I ever told you how much I hate your timing?" Clarke questioned as Lexa placed her feet back on the ground.

"Many times darling!" Anya smirked. "She must have been good if you can't keep your hands of" Anya teased wiggling her eye brows as she leant on the doorframe. "Come on Lex give us the gossip"

"Anya!" Clarke pleaded.

"Clarke" Anya acknowledged.

"Maybe we should go sit" Lexa interrupted with a smile fixing her pyjamas properly.

"Listen to your girlfriend blondie" Anya laughed disappearing in to the living room once more with the girls following behind.

"How does she know?" Lexa questioned nervously fearing she gave something away with something she did.

"Never underestimate Anya's ability to find out things" Clarke smiled quickly placing a soft kiss on the brunettes cheek to sooth out her fears.

--

Clarke was unable to stop herself rolling her eyes at her cousin but found it even more impossible to stop the smile forming her lips as her cousin began her normal Christmas routine, with silly comments or puns.

"Please stop" Clarke laughed while trying to focus on her dad picking up a present from under the tree.

"What?" Anya grinned. "I'm just saying that trees got a lot of balls coming in here dressed like that" Anya grinned speaking to the tree as Clarke continued to laugh and ignore her cousin at the same time.

"Who's that from?" Abby questioned smiling as she turned to her husband.

"Anya" Jake read "I'm not sure if I should open it" He teased shaking it warily

"Trust me uncle Jake!" Anya beamed "You will thank me later" she admits nudging Abby. "and you!" She nodded eagerly waiting for him to unwrap the mystery gift.

"That makes me want to not open it more" Jake laughed turning to his brother Before pealing the wrapper apart until a box was left on his lap. "A sweet thong" Jake laughed raising his gaze to his niece at this point not surprised in the slightest.

"For you and Aunt abbs!" She grinned proudly "You can bite it of ab.."

"Ok!" Clarke interrupted putting her hands in the air. "To much information! Next!" Clarke pleaded with a disgusted look as the image of her mum and dad filled her mind. "Gross" She announced causing everyone to laugh including Lexa beside her.

"She isn't funny" Clarke whispered nudging her nose against the brunettes hair slightly before she pulled away.

"I cant believe she got them that" Lexa admitted quietly her smile never leaving her face as her eyes scanned the family sitting in a circle.

"Clarke this one's for you" Abby announced handing over the gift that was wrapped perfectly under the tree.

"It's from you" Clarke beamed looking to her girlfriend.

"Open it!" Anya grinned her smile already to wide ready to laugh.

"Should I be worried?" Clarke questioned with a nervous laugh shaking the box much like her dad.

"No" Lexa admitted biting her lip nervously. "It's just something little" Lexa admitted honestly already fiddling with the hem of her top as her eyes drop nervously. From the second she see Lexa become nervous she wanted to take it away, she wanted to see the glimmer in her eyes as she watched everyone take turns unwrapping their gifts, she wanted to see her sip her hot chocolate as she admired the Christmas tree and fiddle with her socks as she laughs along to Gustus and Anya winding one another up.

"I'm sure I'll love it" Clarke tried to reassure reaching her hand out to the brunettes and tangling them together with a gentle squeeze.

"Oh I'm sure you will" Anya interrupted grin still firmly in position. "Open it already!" She ordered as all curious eyes focus on Clarke's wrapped present.

She tore the paper apart without a second thought before turning the box around in her lap to see what it was.

"Alarm clock" Clarke said aloud admiring the box her own smile forming as her Uncle Gustus, Jake Abby and Anya started laughing.

"Yeah like that will work" Gustus laughed "She don't know how to get out of bed"

"Yes I do!" Clarke defended.

"She once told me her Alarm clock was a jealous whore because it was constantly trying to pull her away from her bed" Anya admitted causing the whole family to laugh including Lexa.

"Well it is" Clarke shrugged turning to her girlfriend "I love it, thank you" Clarke smiled leaning forward to capture her girlfriends lips.

"It's terrible I'm sorry" Lexa admitted biting her bottom lip once more. "I've never brought gifts for people before, and you broke yours"

"It's perfect" Clarke reassured taking her girlfriends hand in her own wishing there wasn't all these prying eyes around so she could kiss her girlfriend for being so cute and nervous, she just hopped the gentle squeeze would send her the same message for now.

"Liar" Anya coughed patting her chest. "Sorry bad throat"

"Seriously who gave this nerd a key?" Clarke questioned looking to her parents.

"You did" Anya added. "You would be bored without me admit it"

"Hmm so my messages about me hating you aren't quite sinking in?" Clarke questioned.

"You're just pissed because I disturbed Lexa time" Anya smirked.

"Bite me"

"I believe Lexa already did that"

"I hope your next periods in a shark tank" Clarke bites.


--

It was like no one else was in the room as Clarke and Anya made remarks to one another, but the smirks and roll of eyes gave their seriousness away. Lexa found it more fascinating that the family just watched and listened, like it was something they did every year, like this was something they had grew use to for years and Lexa already believed that to be true. They looked more like sisters than cousins with their hate love relationship and constantly doing everything they can to annoy the other, almost like they were children all over again and Lexa admired that even more as Clarke's inner child came out.

"Please don't get like them" Gustus spoke beside Lexa.  "Total nightmare" He admits shaking his head but the smile showed something different.

"Are they always like this?" Lex questioned the nervousness back in her voice as she fiddled with the hem of her top while looking at her girlfriend throwing a ball of wrapping paper at Anya.

"All the time. They fell out once lasted one hour" Gustus grinned. "They came in screaming and shouting declaring they hate one another, they never wanted to see one another again, didn't want to even look at one another" Gustus laughed at the memory.

"What happened?" Lexa questioned curiously watching Anya stick her tongue out at Clarke before throwing the wrapping paper back.

"Anya let go of Clarke's bike" Indra informed joining in the conversation as she swigged her hot drink. "Clarke fell of and grazed her knee"

"She started shouting I trusted you, I hate you" Gustus added looking to the two girls still talking to one another. Lexa found her smile growing across her lips as she looked to her blonde girlfriend picturing her as a child learning to ride a bike.

"How did they make up?" Lexa questioned

"They got bored playing on their own and missed one another" Gustus grinned "They ran and hugged one another and declared from that moment on they would never fall out"

"Did they?"

"No" Indra admitted. "Still to this day there inseparable, but like this instead I'm not sure what's worse" Indra joked rolling her eyes at her daughter.

"Ok girls" Jake interrupted "lets continue shall we?" He questioned reaching out for another present not needing to read the label to know who's it is as he placed it on Lexa's lap. "That's from Clarke" Jake smiled softly before moving back and placing his arm back around his wife.

"Thank you" Lexa said softly looking towards the present, she knew immediately what it was by the shape and she was sure everyone else did too judging by the way all their eyes fell on her in such a soft way.

"I wanted to get you something that would mean something" Clarke admitted now being the one slightly nervous as she bit her lip. "I wanted you to have something that was yours" Green eyes connected with blue and it was like it was only them two in the room, like nothing else mattered with that one single look, and Lexa knew she was falling in love with Clarke even more. She watched as Clarke gestured for her to unwrap it, and so she did. She slowly pulled the wrapping paper off, her heart beating faster as the black leather case comes in to view. She connected her eyes with Clarke's once more who was watching her with a soft smile.

"Open it" Clarke encouraged. So she did, she unclipped the black case revealing the mahogany acoustic guitar. Unable to take her eyes of the instrument her finger tips glided down the strings and across the wood until her breath hitched at something else her eyes fell on.

"You once told me your mum use to sing to you and sometimes play guitar" Clarke admitted softly facing the brunette who still was unable to take her eyes of the instrument as her finger tips trailed over the inscription carved perfectly in to the wood. "Your mum use to tell you that singing was the strongest form of magic" Clarke smiled moving closer to her girlfriend taking her other hand in her own until green eyes finally met blue and Clarke's heart melted when she seen the water pools coating her eyes. "Your voice is amazing, and your mum would be so proud" Clarke admitting cupping her girlfriends cheek and wiping the single tear that fell. "It's to remind you that your mum is with you, always" Clarke whispered pecking her girlfriends trembling lip. "and you can carry her magic on"

'H.W... The strongest form of magic..'


"Clar-" Lexa breathed placing her hand over Clarke's cheek with a trembling lip and watery eyes. She's not good with words, she knows this but she has to say something, every ounce of her feels like its pounding, like she's struggling to breathe but with all the oxygen in the world, like everything feels overwhelming in the best way possible with those blue eyes looking at her with such understanding, such care and gentleness and Lexa feels like its to much but never enough.

"You remembered" Lexa whispered.

"I remembered" Clarke confirms forehead still pressed firmly against Lexa's.

"Thank you" Lexa breathes her watery eyes never Leaving Clarkes.

"You're more than welcome" Clarke whispers placing a soft kiss on her lips, and somehow it becomes a lingering kiss, a kiss that Lexa wishes would make Clarke understand everything she had been juggling with for the past few weeks that simply  says it all with three words on the tip of her tongue.

"Awhh" Abby says quietly as both girls separate finally noticing all the family watching them with tears in Abby's eyes.

"Mom" Clarke whines her cheeks going red as her hand quickly connects with Lexa's leaning her body against the brunettes wanting to be as close as possible.

"Sorry" Abby tries to brush it of feeling silly wiping at her own eyes as she reached for a different present trying to distract herself. "You're just growing up" she says digging under presents.

"Clarke" Lexa whispers after noticing the family focusing on other things now.

"Yeah?" Clarke questioned turning her gaze to face the brunette.

There was a moment of silence. A moment where Lexa's eyes trailed her girlfriends features, a moment where she smiled thinking of how this girl had her acting foreign on a beach, a moment where she remembered Clarke coaxing her out of a panic attack with those same beautiful eyes and gentle touches, a moment where everything about this girl infront of her screamed at her to speak, to voice her emotion pushing the lump down from her throat as she was certain. She could wait to read the last part of the journal or say it now because for the first time Clarke's pushed that fear past everything and all she feels is safety, security and certainty.

"I love you" Lexa says nervously dropping her gaze to Clarke's lips at her confession before nervously raising them once more to blue. "I love you Clarke" she confesses with more confident.