Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

There was something about Lexa's lips the way they moved against her own, how they had the ability to make Clarke forget everything going on around her and melt deeper in to the kiss with more desire than she had ever felt before. Her lungs called desperately for oxygen countless times only for it to go unheard as they both settled for singled breaths at every change of angle. Then everything became nothing more than a blur as Lexa's lips clung desperately to hers with her fingers laced threw her hair gripping it in the gentles of ways. The quiet music was replaced by the sound of kissing, whimpering and shifting in the bed as Clarke's whole body came to life at the sounds leaving Lexa's mouth and vibrating in to her own. Her body throbbed with want and need as her body pressed tightly in to Lexa's feeling every curve beneath her and she found herself moaning at the small contact with way to many obstacles between skin to skin. She hated how her body was losing control, how it refused to listen to her anymore as it only pushed harder against Lexa's while running a hand down her side until she found the end of her top before quickly pushing it underneath and resting on her bare hip. She needed her. Her tongue pushed harder against Lexa's as she gripped at her hip, rocking her body in to her once more, she felt the gentle grip in her hair tighten with another breathless moan vibrating in to her mouth, her centre was already wet and sensitive threw her jeans and that's when it quickly ended. Clarke pulled her lips away quickly resting her forehead on Lexa's without once opening her eyes, she knew if she did, if she opened her eyes and looked at the brunette her body would cave completely and she would dive right back in and become lost.

"You have no idea how much I want you" Clarke whispered pressing her forehead a little harder against Lexa's as she brings her hand around her neck with heavy breaths. "I've missed this so much"

"Me to" Lexa confesses causing the blonde to open her eyes with a soft smile filling her lips. The sight beneath her was even more beautiful than she imagined with Lexa's rosy cheeks, moist swollen kissed lips and her hair splayed messily across the pillow, she was a sight. "But your mum" Lexa said sadly looking to the door and back, fear more evident than before, Clarke couldn't blame her especially not after the first time.

"I just spoken with her" Clarke admits soothing her thumb over Lexa's cheek. "She apologised, she was just surprised"

"She's not mad?" Lexa questioned after a moment of silence thinking things threw.

"She's not mad" Clarke confirms with a grin in place, before dropping beside Lexa and pulling at her hip to face her. "Infact your allowed to sleep back in the room" Clarke beams as she pulls her closer that little bit more watching Lexa's own smile grow.

"Really?" Lexa questioned.

"Really, really!" Clarke grins nuzzling her nose against Lexa's. "You're stuck with me" Clarke whispers her eyes flickering down to wet moist lips then back to beautiful green eyes, but before Clarke could close the gap with a quick kiss like she intended, Lexa's lips nervously pressed in to hers in the gentlest of ways before feeling her hand grip on to her shirt. The blonde struggled to keep her smile down as she kissed Lexa back, snuggling in to her body even tighter as Lexa's nervously asked for entrance with her tongue, which only made Clarke smile more.

"have I told you I love your confident side?" Clarke whispers quickly reattaching her lips back to Lexa's who now was smiling in to the kiss and Clarke couldn't help but bite the brunettes Bottom lip with a gentle tug. "Are you trying to kill me?" Clarke husked feeling her body losing itself to Lexa once again as she straddled her once again.

"Shut up and kiss me" Lexa whispered with a smirk.

So Clarke did.

---


There was something about the night that kept Lexa awake to watch Clarke sleep and it wasn't the cute snoring Lexa was unable to stop smiling at. Her nose would crinkle when the snore became to deep causing her to change position until the gentle snoring started again. She knew she shouldn't be staring, shouldn't be tracing her green eyes over Clarke's beautiful features, but she couldn't stop herself. A smile was on her lips as she watched in silence clutching on to the blondes top already feeling her grip loosen at the urge to trace Clarke's pale skin. They had remain wrapped up in one another's arms all-night, like those few days were to long, far to long and now they were just scared to let go. She envied Clarke for being able to express what she felt so easily and wanted to do the same so many times but the words struggled to form in her mouth, and before she knew it there was a lump in her throat stopping her completely. She wanted to tell Clarke how she feels her heart stop when she looks at her the way  she does, she wants to tell her how she scares her more than anyone because she see's security, she see's a home and more importantly she feels every emotion just looking in those blue eyes, she wants to tell her how she's already scared of losing her like she lost everyone else. Giving in to her urge's her fingers tips trace down Clarke's jaw bone only smiling in awe as Clarke lets out a sleepy moan as she turns to snuggle in to Lexa's embrace tighter, her gentle snoring now being breathed in to her neck. She never thought she would find someone to care for her, to hold and kiss her like Clarke does so carefully, so tenderly and it warms her heart every time. A few months ago she daren't unpack as she expected to be leaving this place not long after arriving, only now she was scared to pack, she was scared to say her goodbyes and she hoped that day would never come.

"I think I'm falling in love with you Clarke" Lexa whispered before her throat could close up. She struggled saying it, and she knew Clarke couldn't hear her but it felt so good to say, to get her biggest fear of her chest but it felt so overwhelming at the same time. For the first time, she was glad the blonde slept like she was dead to the world as the room continued to echo with her snoring and Lexa found herself tracing the outline of the Clarke's side until it rest on her hip. Everything about it felt right, everything felt like it was suppose to be this way. She kissed Clarke's forehead careful not to wake her as her girlfriend stirred and turned around to face the wall snuggling in to the quilt. The smile just would not leave her lip's admiring how Clarke's hair splayed out against the pillow, she was smitten, even if she couldn't quite voice it yet.
When sleep still refused to come, she headed downstairs in hunt of a drink.

"Sorry, I didn't no anyone was awake" Lexa apologised on seeing Abby on her computer at the kitchen table.

"That's ok love" Abby smiled looking over her reading glasses "Can't sleep?" She questioned before watching Lexa shake her head no.

"Where's that daughter of mine?" Abby smiled before flipping threw some pages laid across the table.

"She fell asleep" Lexa admitted feeling slightly awkward as she hadn't spoken to Abby yet.

"She snoring?" Abby questioned causing Lexa to relax and break in to a grin before nodding. "You will have to get use to that, she gets it from her dad, eventually you will need ear plugs" Lexa laughed as she leaned against the kitchen counter, she loved how Abby could always put her at ease, much like her daughter.

"Can I talk to you about something for a minute?" Abby questioned removing her glasses and closing her computer.

"Of course" Lexa said nervously taking a seat opposite Abby.

"I want you to know that no matter what happens in this family you're not going anywhere" Abby says after a moment of silence. "I don't want you to ever fear doing something out of fear I will send you packing ok" Abby says softly looking at the nervous brunette infront of her. "You're apart of this family now, like me, like Jake and like Clarke. I may not always be happy with what you do, and I may express it but that will never change the fact that this is your home for as long as you want it to be" It might have been stupid to everyone else, but Lexa was unable to stop her eyes from filling with tears. For Eleven years Lexa has had no one, she had to care for herself, move place to place and learn to just keep on living without actually living at all. She was overwhelmed with the woman infront of her, offering her everything she could only dream of, everything she had always wanted and imagined what it would have been like if her mother had been alive today, finally she felt like she had a home, someone to care and someone to love.

"Oh sweetheart" Abby smiled moving of her chair as she wrapped her arm around the brunette securely. "I didn't mean to make you cry" Abby smiled knowing that these were not sad tears.

"Thank you" Lexa could only say as the grin only grew on Mrs Griffins face. 

"You have nothing to thank me for" Abby smiled placing back in her own seat as Lexa did the same. "Now for the motherly girlfriend talk" Abby teases lightening the mood. "Although after I've said you and Clarke will be treated equally I suppose I will have to have this chat with her to" Abby laughed and so did Lexa it felt weird, but a good weird.

"So you and Clarke" Abby said more seriously. "Just out of curiosity how did that happen?" Abby questioned "Clarke gave little if nothing away" 

"I'm not sure" Lexa admitted honestly before looking in to thin air, wondering at what point they fell for one another. "She was just always there" Lexa finally said her cheeks going a little red "I don't know" Lexa said even more embarrassed.

"Like it just jumped out of nowhere?"

"Yeah" Lexa said softly. "Something like that" 

---



"If you don't tell me I will tickle you" Clarke threatened already climbing over Lexa's body seductively and a mischievous smile.

"You wouldn't" Lexa squirms.

"Oh I would" Clarke smirks "Tell me! What is it you want for Christmas or suffer the consequences.

"I'm on the naughty list" Lexa says proudly with a smirk causing Clarke to laugh before gripping her wrist above her head.

"Smarty pants" Clarke hummed placing a tender kiss on Lexa's lips. "But not accepted... Now list" Clarke smirk's preparing her fingers to tickle under Lexa's arms. "Last warning"

"You" Lexa answers with no hesitation.

"You already have me" Clarke whispers pecking Lexa's lips once more "Smarty pants and cute" Clarke grins "my fingers are getting awfully close" She warns wiggling her fingers for Lexa to see who only raised her eye brows in daring. Clarke loved a challenge and quickly tickled Lexa's arm pits as she pinned her down while her body jolted beneath her with fits of laughter and Clarke couldn't help but kiss her laughter away as she finally let lose of Lexa's wrist and cupped her cheek instead

"Surprise me" Lexa finally whispered biting her lip.

"If that's what you want" Clarke whispered back gliding her thump over Lexa's bottom lip already craving to taste her again.

"It is" Lexa admitted

"I HAVE ARRIVED!!" Anya shouted barging the door open as Clarke and Lexa jump apart with Clarke landing on the floor with a thump. "Porky, we seriously have to stop meeting like this, get of the dam floor" Anya laughed "Lexa are you ever a top?" She questioned teasingly as she placed her bum on the edge of the bed.

"I hate you" Clarke announced before getting to her feet.

"Yeah.. yeah.. I love you two, anyway! Let's go your sexy cousin is in town"

"We’re kind of doing something" Clarke says annoyed before pushing Anya of the bed.

"Yeah dry humping can be finished up later! Lets go!"

"Anya we're not..."

"Sorry is this you getting ready?" Anya questioned confused

"We’re not comi..."

"I Can hear something" Anya held up her hand silencing the room looking around the room confused.. "Oh it's just you getting ready" Anya smiled "See you downstairs, hurry up Ravens waiting" Anya shouts already disappearing.

"I hate her sometimes" Clarke declares slouching back on the bed as Lexa laughs 

"You said that last time" Lexa laughed getting to her feet before pulling the blonde with her "Maybe we could Christmas shop together" Lexa grins feeling Clarke's hands snake around her waist

"Come on!!!" Anya shouts disturbing the girls again.

"Shut up!!!" Clarke shouts "We seriously need to change the locks to the house" Clarke suggest entangling her fingers with Lexa as they begin to head out.

----

"So lets split up!" Anya announced after stepping in the entrance.

"What?" Clarke questioned furrowing her brows "why?" she questioned squeezing Lexa's hand gently.

"Because you need to get Lexa something" Anya stated the obvious "and its not Christmas yet so she isn't allowed to see" She grinned pulling at Clarke's arm "Say goodbye to your girlfriend" she orders. "Raven you’re with Lexa. Meet at 2 for lunch at the big old clock"

"Gotcha!" Raven nodded, turning to the two other girls.

"Sure you want a surprise?" Clarke questioned with a smirk still holding firmly on to Lexa's hand. "last chance?"

"I trust you" Lexa admits her smile already forming.

"I trust you two" Clarke whispers before placing a lingering kiss on Lexa's lips.

"Alright, alright come on before you get your tinsel in a tangle" Anya laughs pulling the blonde away in the opposite direction.

"Look after her Raven" Clarke shouts with a smile before finally turning around to find her girlfriend the perfect gift.

"Come on" Raven laughed turning around in the opposite direction from the Griffins.

Lexa found herself watching everyone around her more than she found herself searching for gifts, she was enchanted with the Christmas spirit, how everyone smiled and talked louder as they rushed around with more bags than they could carry yet somehow managed. She watched as parents handed their kids the wrapping paper rolls only for the children to have sword fights with them causing their parents even more stress as they told them off. She noticed the husbands following their wife's with bored and annoyed expressions as they find yet another something to buy earning themselves another bag on their arm. Lexa couldn't help but smile as she heard yet another man say to their partner 'this is just a waste of money!' Everything about the mall was cheerful and exciting from the sword fights, the eye rolling and Christmas songs played throughout.

"You have never done this before have you?" Raven questioned smiling at the brunette as she shook her head.

"Everyone's really happy" Lexa says after a moment of looking around again.

"yeah.. till they get their credit card bills" Raven smirked. "What are you getting Clarke?" Raven questioned while looking through a glass cabinet at some bracelets.

"I don't know" Lexa admitted shrugging, is it silly that she thought it wasn't a big deal? The question made her a little nervous having not really thought about it until now, but now finding herself drawing a blank. Clarke had asked her non stop for days but she had never thought about what the blonde wanted in return, she never even asked. "She needs a new alarm clock?" Lexa shrugged. "Do you think she would like that?" Lexa questioned.

"An alarm Clock?" Raven questioned stopping what she was doing as she turned around to face the brunette. "Really? An Alarm clock?"

"hers broke" Lexa fidgeted playing with the end of her sleeves as Raven began laughing until she covered her mouth with her hand stopping herself.

"Sorry.. Yeah.. get her an alarm clock" Raven grinned turning around. "She will love it"

"You think?" Lexa questioned looking around at all the people buying gifts.

"Yeah. Course. Her's broke right?" Raven questioned turning back around with a straight face as Lexa nodded.

"Lets go then" Raven grinned linking arms with Lexa as she swallowed her laugher down.

--


"If you were a potato, you would be a good potato" Anya admits winking at Raven as they approach one another.

"Really? That's the pick up line you use?" Clarke questioned quickly before Raven or Lexa could say anything.

"What I'm hungry?" Anya shrugs turning back to the two girls just able to Catch Ravens eye roll.

"Lost your game Griffin?" Raven questions smugly with her arms crossed.

"Hardly, hungry is all" Anya grins stepping forward "You totally think I'm hot, admit it"

"Please" Raven laughed. "The only thing you can turn on is a microwave"

"is that a challenge?"

"More like a fact" Raven smirks not backing down.

"Challenge accepted" Anya grins both eyeing one another before turning to face the two other girls. "They’re so gross" Anya cringes at the two girls to lost in one another to care, or even hear anything Raven or Anya have just said, much like themselves.

"Hi" Clarke smiles instantly reaching out both her arms and sliding her fingers between Lexa's.

"Hi" Lexa says more shyly, no matter how many times Clarke approaches her in this kind of way, she doesn't think she will ever get use to it.

"Find anything?" Clarke questions before leaning up on her toes to peck Lexa's lips.

"I think so" Lexa shrugs nervously "Did you?" Lexa questioned.

"I did" Clarke smiles softly, in the ways her eyes sparkle and her body warms. "I kind of want to give it to you already" Clarke admits "but I cant pick it up till tomorrow so I suppose that's a good thing"

"What is it?" Lexa questioned confused.

"It's a surprise" Clarke teased. "Remember."

"Alright love birds! Let's move" Anya interrupted rolling her eyes teasingly as they all walk together.

"You are going to absolutely love the present that Lexa got you!" Raven announced with a grin on her face. "You picked it all on your own didn't you Lex?" Raven questioned stifling her giggle.

"Urh yeah.. I.. yeah" Lexa said nervously her cheeks turning pink as the blonde remains focused on her.

"I'm sure ill love it" Clarke tried to reassure squeezing Lexa's hand in her own.

"Look!!" Anya snaps stopping everyone in their tracks as she points to a small group of people in the corner of the shopping mall. "Oh I love this!" Anya announced as she moved forward with the three in tow until they were standing watching a man and woman talking through a mic.

"What is it?" Lexa questioned looking to the girl who never let go of her hand.

"they come every year, they just entertain really and sing, a lot of people move closer on to the big space and dance to the songs, some people join in with the songs as they happily share the mic, and some people just watch" Clarke informs. "Look" So she did as the man sang along to Maroon 5 sugar. He was entertaining, and extremely funny as he danced around with confidence, the crowd would cheer and laugh until some finally moved forward joining in sometimes singing the odd few words in to the mic as placed it infront of their lips with no choice!

"Come on don't be shy!" He announced "Lets turn it up a bit shall we" he grinned pulling his sunglasses down from his head to his eyes. "Hit it!" As the beat hit Lexa recognised the song straight away as Shakira, hips don't lie started playing the volume increasing so you could no longer hear one another talk normally beside you.

"I cant turn anything on ay?" Anya smirked turning to Raven, before gripping Clarke's arm and pulling her away from Lexa with a laugh and apologetic look.

"What are we doing?" Clarke whined as she was pulled on to the free dance space.

"Dancing!" Anya announced "We dance best together" She grins "Now help a girl out"

"The things you make me do" Clarke rolls her eyes finally coming to a holt as other people soon join, having unable to resist moving your hips to this song.

"Is that all you got ladies!!" The man's voice echoed through the mic "Come on now, I think we can do better than that" He laughed getting ready for the chorus to start up again. With Anya giving Clarke the look as if telling her to bring it on, she did. Clarke popped her hip from one side to the other holding her hands above her head giving Anya the challenge she desperately wanted ready to prove she was infact the better dancer of the Griffins. Then Anya brought it right back as she mirrored Clarke's actions along side her with a smug grin.

"Come on Porky!" Anya laughed "Got to try harder than that"

"I Didn't want to show you up while you were trying to get in Ravens pants!" Clarke shouted smirking "But I suppose I can make you look like a fool" Clarke heightened her game, moving her hips like she was born to, like she had been a belly dancer for years controlling every muscle in her body as her body moved much like Shakira. She smirked smugly as she watched her cousin try doing the same with not quite as good rhythm, nor passion.

"Ohh ladies!!" Was heard through the mic again as the big man rounded the two girls trying to copy their movements earning laughter from the crowd "No? ill leave it to these two then" He laughed clapping his hands as the crowd fell in to the same beat all eyes on Anya and Clarke.

"Keep up An" Clarke mocked moving her hips more aggressively getting lost in the atmosphere.

Lexa on the other hand watched proudly from the crowd clapping along with Raven. She knew her girlfriend could dance of course she did, Clarke was the one to make her dance, to move her hips for the first time and guide her with patience, but Clarke had been holding back a lot. Her hips were born to move and Lexa couldn't take her eyes of her, she couldn't stop the proud smile appear on her lips as if she had been doing it her whole life, she felt her belly drop in the warmest of ways like it always did as Clarke smiled completely unphazed by the amount of people focused on what she was doing right now, she boomed with confidence and Lexa wished she could do that.
"woahhh" The crowd cheered as the song came to a swift end and changed instantly to a different one.

"Thank you ladies!" The man cheered "Now for a oldie!" he grinned.

Lexa expected Clarke to head of the dance area immediately, mainly because that's what she would do, make the escape as quickly as possible, but Clarke was different. She stayed and got excited as the next song started playing and Lexa knew Clarke knew it immediately by the smile that radiated from her lips. Of course she knew it, all the girls did judging by how everyone started singing along to Justin Bieber, baby. The was when Clarke finally looked over to Lexa with a wink, singing along to the music even if Lexa couldn't hear her she could still see her moving her lips. Without needing to even step on to the free space Lexa's cheeks blushed pink as she fiddled with the end of her sleeves. She couldn't even explain why she was becoming nervous, or why her cheeks were pink but she was sure it was the way Clarke always found her and looked at her the way she did.

"Is my girlfriend going to dance with me?" Clarke questioned as she approached the brunette snaking her arms around her neck ignoring everyone around.

"No" Lexa shook her head instantly looking between them as her cheeks became more pink. "I cant." she admitted shyly not having the confidence Clarke does.

"Hey, its ok You don't have too" Clarke said softly noticing the fear appear in Lexa's eyes and the shy timid Lexa was back.

"He will dance with you!" Clarke heard from her side where a group of lads stood as one of them pushed his friends forward making him stumble a little bit.

"Shut up" The boy snapped turning to Clarke with red cheeks making his friends laugh but Clarke just ignored them turning back to her girlfriend who had her eyes glued down.

"Where's that smile gone?" Clarke questioned with a playful warning look causing the brunette to slowly look up pushing a smile back to her lips.

"Do you trust me?" Clarke questioned.

"Yes" Lexa said after a moment.

"Close your eyes" 

The furrow in Lexa's brows must have gave her away as Clarke laughed, but after a moment of hesitation she Closed her eyes and waited on what Clarke wanted her to do. Her arms dropped from Lexa's entangling her fingers with Lexa's. 

"Keep them closed until I say ok" Clarke ordered before pecking Lexa's lips. "God I love those lips" Clarke whispered playing with Lexa's fingers as Lexa's smile grew bigger till you could see her pearly whites. "Do you remember what I said to you the first time we met?" Clarke questioned her fingers still fiddling with Lexa's allowing her breath to be felt on Lexa's face assuring Lexa she was close.

"Stay on your side of the room?" Lexa laughed with her eyes still closed.

"I did didn't I?" Clarke laughed "How are you mine?" Clarke questioned taking her hands away from Lexa's and placing them around her waist as she held her close. "Do you remember what else I said?" Lexa thought for a moment, but not because she couldn't remember but because she realised how quickly Clarke complimented her.

"Your eyes are incredible" Lexa finally says Causing Clarke to smile.

"They really are" Clarke confesses "Open your eyes so I can see them" Clarke says softly gripping Lexa's waist tighter as green eyes flicker open connecting with blue staring back.
"I guess I was right" Clarke grins placing a tender kiss on Lexa's lips as Clarke begins to sway them side to side.

"Look's like you’re dancing after all" Clarke whispers with a proud smile as Lexa furrows her brows looking around finding herself on the edge of the dance area swaying with Clarke to the music amongst other people.

"how did you do that?" Lexa questioned leaning in to Clarke's embrace a little more as she holds her girlfriend back feeling surprisingly content.

"You just needed a distraction" Clarke admits "Besides, there is no one I would rather dance with" 

They danced and they swayed, smiled and laughed song after song until Lexa finally forgot about the people around her and more on the one that held her tightly with that look in her eyes she would fall asleep thinking about, and the smile that seemed to be contagious, it was then that Lexa decided maybe she could love Christmas after all.

---

"What you doing?" Anya questioned walking in to bedroom. 

"Nothing" Lexa said quickly closing her book and pushing it under her pillow.

"Nothing looks a whole lot like writing" Anya smirked placing her bum on the end of the bed. "What is it?"

"Uh.. nothing, just..my diary"

"You have a diary?" Anya questioned shocked she didn't no anyone who now kept a diary. "You actually write in it?"

"Yeah" Lexa said beginning to shift in her bed while twitching her lip to the side and pulling her sleeves over her hands.

"What do you write about? Do you write in it everyday?"

"No.. just.. when I feel I have something to say"

"Oh right.." Anya nodded in understanding "Where's Clarke"

"Shower"

"Good, so what did you get? For a Christmas present?" Anya said excitedly biting her lip as she tried to cover her childish grin.

"Um.. nothing big, just.. an Alarm clock" Lexa said nervously. "Raven thought it was a good idea" 

"Sorry... a what now?" Anya questioned dropping her lip as she looked at Lexa confused. "Did you just say you got your girlfriend an Alarm clock for Christmas?"

"I guess" Lexa shifts.

"Sorry.. hold on. What for?" Anya questioned still waiting for the punch line.

"I didn't no what to get" Lexa shrugged "I’ve never brought presents before, and I forgot to ask her" Lexa mumbled nervously. "She broke hers"

"Right" Anya said not sure what else to say. "Lex.. Raven was messing with you" Anya said softly "You will come to see friends can be arses, and never to listen to them" Anya said looking to the door and back to Lexa. "Clarke loves personal presents, like something you have thought about with a meaning" Anya admits "We will find something"

"Not you again" Clarke moans as she walks in to her bedroom in a towel

"funny I was just saying the same thing" Anya bites with a sarcastic laugh before leaving the bedroom closing the door behind her.


----

Normally people would struggle sleeping when they are arguing with their partner having their mind consumed by their problems or disagreements and how to fix things and make them right, but not Lexa. Everything with Clarke seemed to be blossoming more beautifully than the day before, the way Clarke couldn't go to sleep until Lexa gripped her top tightly before, the way Clarke would wake with green eyes already watching her to have her smile radiate from wall to wall. Everything about Clarke made her feel like her feelings were under a microscope and everything was being analysed, the more days that passed the harder it got and Lexa found herself wanting to scream out to Clarke how much she makes her belly flutter, how much her jaw aches everyday from smiling, or how much no matter what songs she plays they all make her think of her, even the sad ones. She was becoming overwhelmed by the blonde with each passing day even as Clarke made them go bed early tonight with a kind of childs excitement for Christmas morning. She knew the blonde was excited to give Lexa her gift she had been non stop talking about it for two days, but Lexa had struggled finding anything for Clarke, so she only had the alarm clock to give, which now she regrets deeply because she deserved the world.

"Clarke" Lexa whispered "Are you awake?"

"Umm.." Clarke whined nuzzling in to Lexa's neck deeper. "Just" she whispered placing a small kiss on Lexa's neck.

She battled with her thoughts for a moment as the room fell silence, she needed to say something, anything just to get this heaviness of her chest, but when it come to speaking, confessing her deepest emotions, her throat would just close of leaving her silent. So instead of confessing her feeling, she said what her mouth would allow her without feeling scared.

"I wish I could express how I feel" Lexa whispered enjoying the feeling of Clarke's gentle breathing against her neck. "You do it so easily" Lexa mumbled looking in to their darkened bedroom as she felt the blonde shift beside her until she felt a hand on her cheek turning her face to face the blonde, with noses nearly touching.

"is that why you can't sleep?" Clarke whispered before seeing Lexa nod slightly brushing her nose against Clarke's.

"I just cant say it" Lexa said sadly nudging Clarke's nose again with her tummy fluttering like crazy. 

"You will" Clarke whispered reassuringly "When you're ready" feeling Lexa's nose against her own nuzzling her own again as if she is searching for something, something she is unable to speak, or to scared to ask for, but as Clarke leans forward to capture her lips in hope to relax the girl, she finds herself in a deeper kiss than she planned with Lexa's lips surprisingly guiding it and it made Clarke weak all over, if she was standing she would have undoubtable fell to the ground by the feeling of every single nerve coming to life in her body as Lexa's tongue pushed against her own desperately. As the kiss barely just started it was quickly over as Lexa pulled away with pink cheeks and wide eyes shocked at her own actions.
"Sorry" she quickly said ready to ramble again but before she could Clarke's lips were attaching hers with the same eagerness Lexa had seconds ago. Lexa's moan vibrated against Clarke's lip as she climbed above the brunette already forcing her tongue against Lexa's with a throaty whine of pleasure. Their make out sessions had become more heated as the days passed and Clarke was struggling to contain herself, as she struggled to pull away with soaking wet underwear her body begging and pleading for more, while her head told her to stop and wait for when Lexa would be ready. When long slender finger's curl in her blonde locks gripping it tightly while Lexa bites gently on her bottom lip, the loud moan pushed up her throat and out her mouth embarrassingly loud as she flickered her eyes open to the brunette beneath her. Many times she had been in this situation, above Lexa with her body begging for one thing and her head telling her the other, but Clarke would always be the lead then, she would always be the one doing the things Lexa is doing, yet having the brunette doing it to her with the same eagerness set her skin on fire. She was sure if she looked at herself her pupils would be blown wide with how much she wants Lexa, with how much she Loves seeing this confident Lexa which was rare.

"Can I see you?" Clarke whispered with heavy breaths. "I need to see you" Clarke pleaded huskily resting her forehead on Lexa's. When she realised what she said, she regretted it quickly ready to take it back, and only go at Lexa's pace when she wanted it, but all that stopped when she felt the gentle nod of Lexa's head against hers.

"Can I see you two?" Lexa questioned her voice back to shy and nervous, but Clarke found herself nodding with a smile before she climbed of Lexa resting her knee's on the bed as Lexa copied her actions, she could see the nerves building in Lexa's eyes as the seconds ticked, she could see the confidence vanish as quick as it appeared, so Clarke brought their lips together once more as she reached down at her own top slowly pulling it over her head leaning back so Lexa could look at her as both girls remain on their knees. She watched green eyes trail the length of her pale chest with only a bra now covering her breast, she watched Lexa swallow hard as she struggled to bring her eyes back up to meet blue.

"Can I take this of?" Clarke questioned resting her hands on the bottom of Lexa's vest. She wanted to give Lexa every opportunity possible to stop her, to tell her she wasn't ready just incase she wasn't.

"yes" Lexa croaked like her mouth had gone dry and Clarke smiled as she pulled the vest over her head while Lexa raised her arms. It was Clarkes mouth that had now gone dry as she trailed her eye from Lexa's jaw down her neck across her collar bone down to her breast that were also still covered, her skin darker than her own pale skin, with her chest breathing more rapidly than Clarke's only when their eyes connected once more Clarke could see the fear Lexa held as her arms fidgeted nervously stopping themselves from wrapping around her body to cover up.

"You're beautiful" Clarke admitted honestly hoping her confession would ease the girl she had fell in love with. She wanted to reach out to touch, to feel every inch and never come back up for air as long as Lexa remained this way, but they was not done, they both had their bottoms to go And if Clarke touches her now she won't be able to stop.

"So are you" Lexa pushes out, and Clarke can see it was a struggle but the way Lexa's eyes continue to trail unable to keep her eyes connected for very long, she knew it was true. She hooked her finger underneath both sides of her shorts and never took her eyes of Lexa as she did so. This would be the most they have seen of one another, and Lexa's eyes shot down to Clarke's hands immediately swallowing hard again as Clarke pulled them down to her knees before moving around to get them completely of her legs Leaving her kneeling in her black bra and black underwear giving her skin a more paler effect. She didn't say anything, she just watched and waited for Lexa's eyes to divert back up letting her know she was ready, but they just kept trailing along every inch of skin Lexa could see more than once, when Lexa returned her eyes to Clarke her pupils were darker and Clarke's breathing quickly increased as her underwear got that little bit more wet.

"Clarke" Lexa said shakily. As her eyes trailed the length of Clarke body again shamefully as her cheeks went a shade of pink. "Can I touch you?" she questioned dropping her gaze to Clarke's body once again as she swallowed yet another lump in her throat.

Her chest pounded as she found herself nodding more eagerly than she would like to admit, not only did she not expect them words to leave her mouth, but she didn't expect the oxygen to gush out from her lungs at the question, not really truly knowing how much she wanted, needed it till Lexa asked.

"Please" Clarke whispered. She felt Lexa move closer before feeling the tips of her finger tips touch her first until she felt her full gentle hand trace her collar bone and down the curve of her chest. She wanted to moan aloud, she wanted to close her eyes and lean further in to it but she couldn't seem to close her eyes as she watched Lexa touch her for the first time like this. As she traced her fingers down the length of her body till it got to the hem of her underwear.

"Kiss me" Clarke ordered out of no where. Her voice heavier and huskier than ever before as her lips collided with Lexa's not giving the brunette much of a choice as she became desperate to feel her, the moment their chest pressed together Clarke moaned in to Lexa's mouth pausing the kiss momentarily at the burning sensation that prickled through her entire body before roughly pushing her tongue against Lexa's once more and pushing her back until her head was back on the pillow. Her body and mind was going crazy and all that was now driving her was Lexa, Lexa's body, Lexa's skin, Lexa's kisses. She pushed her body further in to the brunette's feeling the curve of her breast against her own. She had to find and grip at Lexa's hand to keep her grounded, from keeping her hands wondering over Lexa's body carelessly. When she pulled from the kiss she was happy to feel Lexa object from it following her lips with her own till she could no longer lift her head any higher.

"Can I take these off?" Clarke questioned resting a hand on Lexa's shorts.

"Yes" She breathed keeping green eyes locked with blue.

She sat up straight hooking her fingers under the waist line before slowly pulling them down with the help of Lexa raising her hips. When she tossed them to the floor she froze, unable to bring herself to rest above Lexa just yet. She trailed her eyes down the long length of Lexa's brown legs, until they landed on the blue underwear she was wearing. Clarke's breath hitched when she could see how wet Lexa was through her underwear. She bit her lip unconsciously and despite always being nervous when ever she thought of being with Lexa like this, they had vanished as everything about this felt right. Her eyes continued their journey across Lexa's panting chest until they were fixed on her darkened eyes.

"You're sexy" Clarke admitted lowering her body over the brunettes. Her eyes closed at the warm contact feeling the goose bumps appear but before she could even open her eyes or say another word she felt gentle lips on her own this time asking for permission with her tongue as Lexa's fingers buried themselves in her blonde hair scratching at the scalp while their tongues moved together in sync like they were made for each other.

"Can I kiss you?" Clarke questioned parting the kiss as Clarke placed the tip of her finger on Lexa's stomach "Here?" she questioned. A moment passed as Lexa's fingers stayed buried in blonde locks while looking in to blue eyes before she nodded slowly. She kissed Lexa's lips once more before lowering her body to Lexa's stomach looking up as she placed a lingering kiss just above Lexa's belly button, she watched Lexa's eyes flutter closed as she placed another kiss a little higher, Lexa’s body responded on it’s own, pushing her body impatiently for Clarke's next kiss. Only when she kissed the top of Lexa's rib under her bra line Lexa let out a moan that encouraged Clarke even more as she kissed it again before sucking on the soft skin. Lexa gripped the pillow beneath her head as she moaned out, feeling her body lose control and ache for more, she could feel her body change like it never had before, moving on its own accord as it was desperate to feel a sensation like that again, with every kiss Clarke left her body wanted more until she found it near impossible to open her eyes, especially as Clarke's hand nervously trailed Lexa's body gently caressing Lexa's breast over her bra until she wished there was no bra at all.

"Can I kiss you here?" Clarke questioned trailing her finger on Lexa's leg.

"Yes" Lexa whimpered practically begged. Her body desperate to feel Clarke's lips on her body again, it was like she was someone else completely. Normally quite and shy and reserved and self conscious her body now was on fire with how Clarke touched her she was pretty sure she would beg for more if Clarke stopped. Only when Clarke placed her lips on Lexa's inner thigh did Lexa's train of thoughts come to a stop as her centre began to throb as she moaned out at the sensation of her kiss. She felt Clarke pause for a second as she traced something on her inner thigh. It made Lexa stop and think for a moment at what it was until she remembered, but Clarke didn't ask the question she expected to come, instead she placed soft gentle kisses along the scar before bringing her lips back to Lexa's in a sensual kiss that earned that many moans, they wasn't sure who's mouth they were leaving anymore.

"We can stop" Clarke whispered as she trailed Lexa's neck with wet kisses and gentle sucks, She didn't want to stop she wasn't even sure if she could but she needed Lexa to be sure.

"I want you" Lexa admitted after a moment, a moment where Clarke paused her movement and hovered above the brunette to look in to green eyes to make sure she wasn't hearing things.

"Really?" Clarke questioned Making Lexa smile "I mean, are you sure?" She whispered.

"yes" Lexa said softly

"Can I take this of?" Clarke questioned playing with Lexa's bra strap until she nodded nervously.

"I'm nervous" The brunette admits returning to her shyness once again, and Clarke secretly hopes she will never lose it.

"Me too" Clarke smiles.

When Clarke sat up, Lexa followed unhooking her bra from behind as Clarke did the same, Clarke pulled hers of confidently having being naked infront of someone, but Lex hesitated nervously biting on her bottom lip as she dropped her gaze slowly pulling it from her skin and to the ground, Clarke's eyes felt paralysed to Lexa's bare chest without thinking of asking she moved closer pushing the brunette back down allowing their chest to collide for the first time in all it's glory.

"I've never wanted someone how I want you" Clarke whispered trailing kisses down Lexa's neck. "God I want you" She continued before biting on Lexa's collar bone drawing out a gasp. As her kisses continued down Lexa's body till she got to her bare chest. She had never been with a woman before, never caressed anyone like she had Lexa, never touched another naked woman’s body, and never took a nipple in her mouth until right now. She did it gently at first while she caressed Lexa's other keeping her eyes open as she watched Lexa whimper for more, yet to quiet to beg or ask.

"Are you sure?" Clarke questioned one last time as she kissed Lexa's chest placing her finger tips under Lexa's underwear.

"I want you" Lexa confirmed again breathlessly knocking Clarke's breath out her at her quiet confession it paused Clarke in her movement and she knew she shouldn't push it as Lexa struggled with words and emotions but she couldn't help herself.

"Say that again?" Clarke pleads softly the smile on her lips making it obvious that she heard it the first time.

"I want you"

She pulled Lexa's underwear of quickly before throwing them to the floor, as she needed, wanted to connect their lips together again after Lexa's confession she knew it, but it was different from hearing it leave the girls mouth, she kissed her like it was her first and last, like she wanted to savour it in her memory until the end of time as her fingers slid between her folds feeling Lexa's wetness.

So was soaked.

"Oh my god" Clarke mumbled between kisses as Lexa moaned at the contact, unable to part the kiss with so much want, so much need their tongues dominated one another as Clarke allowed her fingers to be covered with Lexa's wetness knowing that her first time will hurt.

"You ready?" Clarke questioned positioning her body properly as she held herself up. The quick nod encouraged her to carry on, as her fingers slid through the folds again before slowly beginning to push in. She did it ever so slow watching Lexa's face scrunch as her walls stretched around her fingers. Slowly pushing deeper until she was knuckle deep kissing Lexa's lips as she waited for her body to adjust to the new change.

"You ok?" Clarke questioned peppering small kisses along Lexa's neck as her body pushed in to Lexa's naked one.

"Yeah" Lexa said after a moment "Just sore"

"It will be for a while" Clarke admits "I'm going to start moving ok"

"Ok" Lexa  buried her hands in blonde locks' before she felt the slow movements of Clarke's hand feeling Clarke hitting something in her that made her feel a weird feeling in her stomach pushing the pain away slightly as she began letting small moans out. When moans left her mouth Clarke started kissing her, until she could feel heavy breaths panted against her lips making it a struggle for Lexa to continue kissing as her eyes closed in pleasure. The pain and pleasure mixed as one making it bearable but she could feel the build growing inside until she was pushing her head back eyes clamping close as she moaned out more and more, gripping in Clarke's hair tighter than she ever had as she brought her lips to a searing kiss making Clarke rock her body in to Lexa's as she too struggled to control her moans without even being touched. She never wanted this to end, she never wanted to stop watching Lexa let go and moan freely, to confess things she wanted as she kissed her with more aggression and passion then she ever had. She was mesmerized by her beauty, by her whimpers and the way her face scrunched up tighter when Clarke curled her fingers as her thumb circled her clit pushing her to the edge.

"Babe" Clarke whispered feeling Lexa's walls closing in. "Let go" Clarke hummed licking the length of Lexa's neck as she gritted her jaw at how much she wanted to sink her teeth in to Lexa's skin "Cum for me" She pleaded pushing Lexa over the edge as she felt the final clench and a throaty moan echo through the room.
The blonde let her ride it out continuing her movement until it became to sensitive. The heavy pants of Lexa's breaths had Clarke pulling her finger's out slowly while watching Lexa's face scrunch in pain.
"Sorry" Clarke whispered peppering kisses along Lexa's body until her breathing calmed. As she moved to lay beside Lexa she couldn't help but lean on her elbow as she looked down at the beautiful brunette.

It was on the tip of Clarke's tongue, the confession, the four Letter word that she was scared to confess to incase it freaked Lexa out. So close to the edge but she bit it back, swallowed it down and tried to ignore it as green eyes flicker open and catch blue. She leant down and captured her lips smiling at her sleepy eyes.

"You should sleep" Clarke whispered placing her head on the pillow as she snaked her arm around Lexa holding her closer as the brunette naturally snuggled in to Clarke's neck ready to grip at her chest, with a shake of her head saying no. They lay their holding on another with gentle strokes and gentle grazes until Clare could feel the flutter of the brunettes lashes against her skin.

"Nothing to hold" Lexa mumbled placing a sleepy kiss on Clarke's neck as she pushed her hand in to Clarke's hair gripping on making Clarke giggle. "Clarke" Lexa hummed

"Yeah"

"Please don't leave" Lexa said timidly burying her face even more.

"I wont" Clarke tightens her grip around Lexa "I promise"

She felt Lexa go limp in her arms after a short while, but the blonde who was eager to sleep to excited for morning tomorrow, could do nothing but smile in the darkened room as her fingers glide up and down the length of Lexa's naked back. She knew words was her struggling point, she knew that she struggled with her emotions due to her past and Clarke hated hearing her vulnerability in such a few words. She may not express everything in to words but she would wait forever till Lexa could find them. She closed her eyes massarging Lexa's scalp ignoring the ache between her legs while shifting uncomfortably, only to feel Lexa's hold tighten. She smiled at the brunette hugging her closer before kissing her forehead knowing she would wait for ever for Lexa to be ready. For now she was glad her dad snores and her mum wears ear plugs. 

----

Lexa woke the next morning with a humming leaving her throat, her green eye's opened and adjusted to the room while feeling gentle kisses trailing her spine as Last night come flashing back.

"Morning beautiful" Clarke whispered against her skin giving her no time to panic and tense up. "Sorry If I woke you" Clarke hummed continuing her trail of kisses up Lexa's spine till she reaches the back of her neck.

"Morning babe" Lexa smiled before realising what she had said and quickly going a shade of red. It wasn't that she didn't like 'babe' or any other name for that matter, its just it never fell of her tongue naturally so she never used it unlike Clarke, she was still struggling with being comfortable with things where she had never done any of it before, and never had much of a relationship with anyone even so much as a friend to have comfortable talks, honestly she didn't understand why Clarke was even with her.

"Umm babe?" Clarke giggled laying beside the brunette from behind. "I like the sound of that" Clarke admits trailing Lexa's back with her fingers until Lexa turned around to face her clutching the quilt over her chest feeling self conscious, Clarke noticed immediately.

"Happy Christmas Clarke" Lexa said softly still holding the quilt between their bodies as she bit her lip.

"Happy Christmas Lexa" Clarke whispered leaning forward to capture Lexa's lips in a lingering kiss as She took Lexa's hand in her own to stop herself gripping the quilt around herself. "How are you feeling?" Clarke questioned

"A little sore"

"You will for abit" Clarke admits "It will hurt less next time. Do you regret it?" Clarke regretfully asks, but is relieved when she see's the scrunch in Lexa's face.

"No" Lexa admits "Do you?"

"Not one bit" Clarke confesses "I’ve never wanted someone like I do you" Clarke confesses "I was scared you would regret it"

"Is that why you're awake before me?" Lexa questioned.

"Maybe" Clarke fiddled nervously. She didn't want to wake up to Lexa freaking out, or Lexa dressed and gone. Maybe the lack of words set fear and doubt in Clarkes mind without really knowing.

"Can I give you a present now?" Lexa questioned nervously sitting up "I was going to give you it at night instead, but.. well.. can I?" Lexa questioned biting on her inner lip nipping at the skin.

"Ok" Clarke replied

"Um.. Can you.. can you get my clothes?" Lexa questioned still not entirely comfortable with the new day making all her confidence vanish.

"course" Clarke smiled pecking Lexa's lips before turning around and reaching Lexa's clothes off the floor and handing them to her. Lexa shifted under the quilt putting her clothes on as Clarke found it highly amusing considering she was just kissing her naked back, and she had her fingers deep in to her last night while sucking her nipple. But this Lexa was not confident Lexa, this was Lexa not lost in a moment and instead was shy.

She watched Lexa climb out her bed and reach under her pillow before coming back to sit beside Clarke nervously biting on her lip as she clutched her diary.

"I'm not good with words, but I can write them" Lexa admits. "Since I moved here I've wrote in this from the beginning and there are bits about you, um well.. a lot about you" Lexa blushed and Clarke smiled reaching her hand to brush her thumb across her cheek.

"You write about me?" she questioned grin in place.

"A lot" Lexa admits looking in to blue, "I folded the corners of the pages you can read, the pages I want you to read"

"Do you want me to read them now?" Clarke questioned.

"Yeah.. " Lexa said nervously. "It.. I think then you will understand"

Clarke hesitated for a moment staring at the cover of the book turning it to the side to see the pages folded at the edges. She nervously finds the first fold of paper which was already halfway through the book. She spread the book open, seeing Lexa's handwriting filling a whole page before nervously looking up to Lexa. She Remembered waking through the night seeing Lexa writing in this book in the darkened room, and now Lexa was letting her read it. Before reading, before finding out Lexa's feeling and thoughts she leant forward cupping Lexa's cheek before kissing her softly letting it linger before pulling away with a reassuring smile. She had always tried to reassure the brunette of her feelings she was always soft and caring and it warmed her heart that Lexa was doing the same back just buy handing her the book.

"You are beautiful you know that?" Clarke says softly. "Get back in bed with me" Clarke smiled pulling the quilt back. She watched the spark come to life in green eyes as she climbed back in bed both with their backs resting against the headboard. Clarke pulled the book forward "6th october" Clarke reads Turning to the blonde with a intrigued smile knowing it was the first night she met Lexa and Lexa smiled even more nervously before resting her head against the blonde's shoulder ready to listen to her read her own words.


Terrible at writing this! Anyhow let me know what you thought! Apologises for such a long wait, but it was a struggle of a chapter to be honest even from the first paragraph, which was annoying! Read NOTES!