Lost And Insecure!

Lost and Insecure!!

The silence was deafening in the seconds Abby disappeared back down the stairs. Clarke hadn't removed her eyes from the spot her mum was previously standing, to in shock for anything to sink in. The feeling of Lexa was still fresh on her skin, the dampness between her legs still soaking her underwear and her finger tips burning with desire to climb Lexa's chest. Her body was on fire, burning with every touch, every graze every kiss and every whimper, so what just happened?  She wasn't expecting that, wasn't expecting that at all. She was froze to the spot, her eyes, her body, everything, she felt like someone just switched a light on and threw ice cold water over her, changing her body from on fire to shockingly freezing. Now she was filled with fear.
How could her mum walk in on them? She was out? How could they not hear her coming up the stairs? How did she not notice the door wide open? She never wanted them to find out this way, it why she waited till last to tell them. Her relationship with her parents was good, strong even and they had the kind of friendly banter and teasing between them that just made the whole relationship so easy, yet this was something more delicate, more important to the blonde than she could ever explain. She feared her parents reaction, she really did. Only when she seen slight movement to her side she snapped back to reality, the reality being Lexa sitting on the bed holding the same fear, the same confusion accept she had been watching the blonde, she had watched Clarke's fears ripple threw silently. Clarke could already see Lexa's hands fiddling with her jean pocket more quickly than usual.

"It's going to be ok" Clarke breathed running her hand threw her blonde hair as she made her way closer to Lexa. There could have been a hundred things to say to Lexa right now, to reassure her, to make her feel that their really was nothing to fear, but if there was Clarke couldn't think of any of it right now, as she grew more nervous thinking of her mother downstairs. She knelt down infront of the brunette running her hands along the brunette's thighs in attempt to comfort her before looking in to green eyes. She fear she held made Clarke more anxious causing her to cup Lexa's face in her hand pressing their foreheads together.

"We will be fine" Clarke tried once more. "I Promise" she whispered forgetting her mum pacing, forgetting the talk they were going to have, forgetting everything other than taking that fear from Lexa's eyes, she truly hated it.

"how can you know" Lexa questioned her voice low with eyes drawn down.

"Because you make me happy" Clarke said softly. "They will see that. We will show them" Clarke tried pushing a tiny smile to her lips as she guided her thumb back and forth across Lexa's cheek. "We should go downstairs" Clarke said after a moment of taking the brunette in, for seeing her beauty for what it truly is. Pure. What ever was about to come, what ever words would be exchanged would be worth it, Lexa is worth all of it.

"Yeah" Lexa agreed her eyes shifty and unfocused as they stood, Clarke took her hand in reassurance squeezing it one last time as they headed down stairs.

--

When Clarke entered the kitchen she should have been fully focused on how her mother was resting both her hands on the kitchen counter facing the wall with her head bowed down slightly as if looking at the kitchen side, but she couldn't focus on that, the second they had entered the kitchen she had felt Lexa's release her fierce grip on her hand quickly crossing her arms across her chest as if to protect herself from anything about to come. She wanted to hold her hand again, to rip it away from the shield she was creating for herself but as she struggled to catch Lexa's gaze in question as her eyes remind on the ground, she could see how truly scared she was, like she was preparing for something as a small mask was pulled down. She was ready to forget her mum was even in the room, she was ready to turn around and take Lexa in her arms whispering anything and everything to make her feel safe again, to make her feel like there is nothing to fear when it comes to her, but that all came to a holt when she heard her mum speak, her voice dry angry and confused.

"What is going on here?" She questioned shaking her head in confusion but still never turning around to face both girls. The silence fell for a moment as Clarke just stared at her mum, she hadn't prepared for this conversation with her parents yet, she wasn't sure what to say or how to say it and before she knew it her arms were crossing over her chest also searching for the right thing to say.

"We were going to tell you" Clarke says softly.

"Tell me what?" Abby's voice more demanding as she turned around staring Clarke down before turning her gaze to Lexa. Clarke stood infront of Lexa on instinct protecting the girl she had fell so heavy for from her mums angry stare, and what ever words were about to come. Clarke could take it, she would take all of it, but Lexa couldn't.

"Mum" Clarke breathed taking a step closer to her mother. "It kind of just happened" She said nervously trying to search her mums eyes, hoping she would search her own back and find what she is begging her mum not to do. Clarke watched the crease form between her mother's eyes as her gaze shifted to Clarke and Lexa standing nervously behind her.

"What just sort of happened?" Abby questioned standing straighter as she pushed of the counter

"Me and Lexa" she admitted. "I didn't want you to find out this way" Clarke explained. "we was going to tell you"

Abby's face wasn't weakening, if anything it was hardening as she began pacing the kitchen, her brow furrowing as she wrapped her head around it.

"And what do you have to say for yourself?" Abby questioned looking around Clarke to Lexa.

"Mum!" Clarke argued

"No" her mum silenced her, her tone angrier than before. "I trusted you in my home" Abby says staring down the brunette "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Lexa stood nervously barely lifting her gaze from the ground to look at Abby while her arms tightened around herself till it hurt. She had no idea what to say, what could she say? She could feel the hard stare burning her down, she could see and hear the betrayal Abby felt at catching the girls kissing after welcoming her so easily in to their home. It hurt her, truly hurt her to have the woman who had shown a interest in her, shown such care and tenderness and treated her as a equal like no other foster home had.

"I'm..sor- sorry" Lexa muttered gripping each of her forearms tighter and tighter feeling each finger tip digging in to her flesh. It was all she could say, but before she could attempt to speak, or try to explain anything Clarke had already spoken.  

"No!" Clarke snapped standing infront of Lexa once more as her shield with a much harder stare than before. Her anger had risen, rocketed infact she had tried calm and collective and that clearly hadn't worked. "She has nothing to apologise for! We have nothing to apologise for. We haven't done anything wrong" Clarke snapped, her back straighter as she continued to block her mothers stare going anywhere near Lexa. "I hate that you found out this way, I do. I'm sorry for that, but I cant help what I am!"

"What you are?!"Abby questioned as her voice raised. "You're a child Clarke"

"A child?" Clarke questioned in disbelief. "Me?" She questioned pointing to herself. "Look at yourself!" she snapped looking her mum up and down in disgust. "You caught us kissing, and you're acting like the worlds ending. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't you have a niece that is gay?" she questioned thinking of Anya. "What's the different with me!?" she questioned angry and slightly hurt by her mothers reaction.

"Clarke. That is not the same and you know it"

"Yes it is" Clarke stated. "You always raised me with confidence, to go after the things I want, you and dad always told me that nothing matters unless I'm happy didn't you?" Clarke questioned "Didn't you?" she snapped.

"Clarke" Abby tried only stopping as Jake walked threw the door.

"Hi girls" he smiled throwing the Letters on the kitchen side still oblivious to the atmosphere surrounding them. "Next door have invited us around for tea love.." he smiled finally looking up and noticing all three women looking angry, or uncomfortable. "Am I missing something?" he questioned looking to his wife.

"I caught Lexa and Clarke kissing in their bedroom" Abby said hesitantly after a moment.

"What?" he questioned looking to his daughter then to a nervous shifty Lexa, a smile crept on his lips unknowingly. "How did that come about?" he questioned a lot more carefree than Abby not noticing the glare his wife was giving him.

"It just soft of happened" Clarke shrugged. "I like her a lot dad" Clarke admitted her tone softer to her dad than her mum. He nodded his head listening to his daughters words before shifting his gaze to Lexa who was shifting her eye contact to all three of them before the floor once more, it reminded him of the first time he met Lexa and introduced his self, she had grown so much from then that he hadn't really had time to notice until she was infront of him shifty all over again.

"Lexa you will sleep on the couch until I know what to do with this" Abby stated. "No door is to be closed when on your own either" Clarke and Jake looked to Abby where Lexa just nodded never lifting her gaze.

"You're being ridiculous" Clarke snapped.

"I don't want to hear another word!" Abby snapped back raising her voice. "Do as I say!" she snapped storming out of the kitchen.

"Dad!" Clarke pleaded he held his hands up to stop her already knowing what his daughter ask of him.

"Ill speak to her" He says softly "But until then Clarke, please play along" he pleaded, knowing his wife can be difficult. She nodded her head biting on her bottom lip as he disappeared out the room in search for his wife.

"I'm so sorry" Clarke apologised stepping Closer to the brunette. "she is such a idiot" Clarke declared snaking her arms around Lexa needing to feel her close.

If it didn't happen to the blonde herself she wouldn't believe that less than twenty minutes ago, her mind was racing and burning with everything Lexa. How she could feel the struggle of her breathing as her fingers climbed Lexa's stomach needing to feel her skin under her own as she rocked in to her. Twenty minutes ago she would never have thought their would be a show down with her mother in the kitchen after catching them making out. Twenty minutes ago she wouldn't have Lexa stiffening in her arms as she tried to cuddle her. Twenty minutes ago Clarke wouldn't expected Lexa like this at all.

"we should listen to your mum" Lexa's voice remained low as her body stayed stiff till Clarke pulled her arms away looking at Lexa confused.

"What?" Clarke questioned confused. "No. We shouldn't" Clarke pleaded gripping Lexa's hand pleadingly. "My dad will speak to her. Everything will be fine" She squeezed Lexa's hand in reassurance but no squeeze came back. Lexa remained looking withdrawn with a mask still pulled down, but no matter what mask that covered her face, you could always see the fear, the pain, there way to much in her history to make it possible to hide. Clarke just stood there looking, hoping Lexa wouldn't pull back, wouldn't pull away because everything would be ok, everything would just be fine. Her mum would just realise she is being a child, I stupid immature child and Lexa and herself could just carry on right? "Lex" Clarke tried again softer stepping that little bit closer till their eyes meet. "Everything will be fine" Clarke whispered placing a kiss on Lexa's forehead.

--

Clarke wasn't even sure how she was feeling anymore, her feelings had become such a mess all moulding in to one another that she felt numb, numb with sadness desperation and confusion. For the past two days Clarke was unable to sleep threw a full night with Lexa on the couch, she had shouted at her mum the second Lexa came to collect her pillow and blanket causing another blazing row, it only stopped when Lexa's pleading eyes deemed her to stop. She bit down on her lip that night stopping herself saying anymore as she stood still to the spot watching Lexa leave the room to sleep downstairs. She tossed and she turned and as pathetic as it sounds, she wiped tears from her cheeks that night. The following morning Clarke missed waking up to green eyes and a shy smile, but when Clarke tried to interact with her downstairs she was cut short by Lexa's bluntness and lack of conversation and it hurt Clarke that little bit more that Lexa couldn't keep eye contact. The blonde felt torn her heart beating rapidly as she watched Lexa enter Costia's car and head to school missing the warm buzz in her stomach that Lexa always filled. Yet she marched threw it, she held her head high ignoring her mother, despite small chit chat she tried to have to lighten the atmosphere. When she got to school she thought it would be better, not having the watchful eyes of her mother staring them down, but Lexa remained fidgety when the blonde placed in the spot beside Lexa that was always reserved for her. She threaded her hand with Lexa's squeezing it gently as she had still yet to catch Lexa's gaze, but Lexa just smiled, she smiled so softly, so innocently that Clarke missed it more when it disappeared, it didn't meet her eyes instead it still held fear. She wanted to ask if she was ok, and reassure her once more that things will be fine, but she never did instead she sat trying to engage in conversation with her friends taking in the comfort that Lexa's hand provided. Of course the bell rang and Lexa's hand was removed and Clarke craved for Lexa once more.

Only when they got home that night nothing got better. Abby still kept her eye on the girls threw out movie night. Clarke threw the blanket over herself and Lexa like she always did giving them the privacy to hold one another's hand, only Lexa removed her hand when Clarke reached for it before tucking it between her legs. It caused a drop in Clarke's stomach, a drop that wasn't like its giddy happy normal drop, it was the kind that made her feel weak in seconds, draining all her strength. Clarke could only look at Lexa her eyes dropping with sadness yet still she ached to reach for her hand again. When she turned her gaze once more back to the tv, she caught her mum watching them and Clarke just stared her down, wanting nothing more than to scream in her face. If it wasn't for Lexa she would have, so instead she turned to the tv and watched the film tugging her hands between her legs.

When night came for the second night Clarke hit a new stage, a stage where she watched Lexa lay her pillow down on the couch before pulling her blanket down from the top, she felt withdrawn, she felt lost. She desperately wanted to lay down with the brunette, to cuddle her and kiss her and whisper all those little things that made Lexa's cheeks blush. She wanted to feel Lexa's freezing cold feet playing with her own as she warmed them up, she wanted to be held and gripped by the top like Lexa did every night.

"Clarke" Lexa said softly ready to lay on the couch and sleep.

"No" Clarke pleaded stepping forward quickly in to Lexa's personal space. "I don't want to sleep without you" she admitted taking Lexa's hand in her own before Lexa could pull it away. For the first time in what felt like forever Blue caught with Green and Clarke's heart felt like it pounded back to life. "I cant sleep without you" Clarke whispered placing her other hand on Lexa's hip. "You still need to tell me what you want for Christmas remember?" Clarke questioned pushing a small smile to her lips as she pushed her head forward to rest her forehead on Lexa's. When Lexa's eyes fluttered closed at the gesture Clarke traced her finger's along Lexa's jaw bone feeling the warmth of her skin. 

"I told you I didn't want anything" Lexa whispered finally flickering her eyes open as a smile crept her lips. Her warm Lexa had returned, the Lexa that felt comfortable in Clarke's embrace like they were hidden upstairs in their room and Clarke wasn't ready for it to fade back away just yet.  

"And I told you I'm getting you something anyway" Clarke smirked her eyes unable to tear themselves away from the green eyes she had craved all day, as she swung her arms around Lexa's neck holding her close. "I hope you're ready for the Christmas Film marathon"

"Film marathon?" Lexa questioned confused.

"Oh yeah" Clarke grinned "Christmas eve. Pyjama day and Christmas film's snuggled on the couch while eating junk" Clarke grinned making Lexa smile two. "I suppose I wouldn't object to some hand holding, cuddling.. maybe even kissing" Clarke teased biting her lower lip as Lexa watches the action.

"Girls" Abby said softly. Watching as Lexa quickly pulled away from the embrace with a nervous bowed head. "I think it's time we all went to bed" Abby said Looking to both girls. Clarke glared at her mum, and if she wasn't so angry, so infuriated she would see the softness that had appeared on her mothers face. Abby had watched the two girls from the hall, she had heard their whispers and exchanges of looks and once again both girls were to lost in one another to notice anyone else.

"Night Lex" Clarke said softly biting her tongue once more when she looked at her mother.

"Night" Lexa mumbled barely looking up with her arms no protecting herself.

"Night girls" Abby smiled apologetically, a smile that went unnoticed by the blonde as she scooted past her mother in the doorway and up the stairs.

"Night Abby" Lexa smile's pulling back her blanket before climbing on the couch. Abby switched the light off as she watched the brunette snuggle down ready for bed. She watched in the dark for a few more seconds in the dark with a apologetic look forming her lips before heading to bed.

Like the night before Clarke tossed and turned unable to keep her eyes closed no matter how much they pulled their way down. Her mind was racing with everything, racing with how much she hated her mum, how her mum had reacted, how her mum had the nerve to act normal like nothing had changed. She couldn't understand how her mother could be so accepting and welcoming to Anya, yet so cold when it came to her own daughter. Her mother had always been so good at reading her, so good at reading how she thinks, how she feels every facial expression and every tone, so she couldn't understand why she wasn't reading her now. Their relationship had always been so close so she couldn't understand why she was acting this way. When sleep was seeming impossible to Clarke and nuzzling into the pillow her and Lexa had come to share wasn't quite enough she did something she knew she shouldn't.

The household may hold a little uncomfortableness now, it may hold awkward silences, unanswered questions and a lot of confusion, but one thing that felt so right was walking in the living room and seeing Lexa sleeping while gripping the corner of the blanket. A smile was brought to Clarke's lips instantly as she knelt on the floor beside her girlfriend. Her blue eyes traced Lexa's features and her steady breathing and her smile only grew as she bit her lip. How was it possible to look at someone and feel like you had a million things to say, a million confessions and explanations to help them understand exactly how they make you feel, yet when it comes to saying them, none of them come close to what your truly trying to express. It's a frustration, having the urge to express something that is inexpressible, but we all keep trying anyway hoping one day they will understand. Despite not wanting to wake Lexa the longer she lay their watching the brunette, the more her emotions were becoming overwhelming. Everything about Lexa made her flutter and smile and just generally turn to mush and want nothing more than to hold her, kiss her and whisper silly things to one another.
Without thinking Clarke lent forward and pressed her lips to Lexa's unable to resist them any longer, only as she pressed their lips together green eyes shot open jolting up and away from Clarke. The fear and confusion was in Lexa's eyes immediately as her body drew tighter together before fixating her eyes around the room then to the blonde infront of her.

"Hey" Clarke whispered raising from the floor before sliding next to Lexa placing her palm on her cheek. "It's ok. Sorry I didn't mean to scare you" She whispered once more watching green eyes scan her own before her body relaxed just that little bit more.

"Clarke" Lexa croaked her shoulders dropping from the stiffened form they had become.

"Hi" the blonde smiled trailing her finger down Lexa's strong jaw bone in a soothing stroke "You look beautiful when you sleep" Clarke admits her eyes following her gliding finger before flicking to the lips she couldn't resist. "I couldn't help myself" she smiled lost in a daze on the brunettes full lips. She had never seen lips quite like it before, so appealing, captivating even. She didn't realise her finger had even moved to trace the outline of Lexa's bottom lip till she spoke.

"you watched me sleep?" she questioned knocking Clarke from the world that is Lexa's lips.

"I did" she smiled capturing Lexa's beautiful green eyes. "I realised you always wake before me"

"That's because you're lazy" Lexa smiles sleepily.

"True" Clarke laughs looking down at Lexa's hand before entangling them together playing with Lexa's finger's between her own. "Sleep is my drug. My bed is my dealer. My alarm is the police" Clarke smirks placing a tender kiss on the back of Lexa's hand as Lexa laughs.

"You smashed your alarm on one of the first nights I came here" Lexa remembered.

"In my defence the interrogation was excoriating" Clarke smirked which only made Lexa's sleepy smile grow more. When the silence settled amongst them, neither felt the need to fill it with unneeded words instead subconsciously Clarke had moved closer to Lexa settling the blanket over the both of them until they were shoulder to shoulder.

"Clarke" Lexa hesitated shifting her gaze to their hands before to blue eyes once more. "You should go to bed" Lexa said softly before beginning to untangle their hands and allow the moment come to a end. 

"Why?" Clarke questioned feeling her hand beginning to grip Lexa's floppy hand tighter. 

"Abby" Lexa spoke softly finally pulling her hands away not daring to meet blue eyes once more.

"Don't do that" Clarke pleaded equally as soft, and if the brunette would just look at Clarke she would see the desperation and fear. Since Abby found out Lexa had been cold and distant barely speaking or acknowledging Clarke in anyway like if she dared to look at the blonde she would be committing a sin. "Don't push me away" Clarke pleaded. "She just needs time to accept it" Clarke tried again but failing to get Lexa to lift her gaze from their torn apart hands. She hated how her hand already felt cold, how she could plead for the brunette to not keep her at a distance, and more than anything she resented her mother more with every passing minute Lexa looked at her with fear instead of safety. She hated how moments ago she had the kind of smile on her face that felt like it belonged, the kind of smile that set her body alive despite it being early hours in the morning, but she hated it more how quickly it vanished with her eye lids drawn down while her brain tried to process of what was actually happened, where she stood or even if Lexa even wanted them anymore. Her mind was bubbling with everything, with how much she wanted to tell the brunette just how frustrating it felt to feel all these rushes of emotions and not be able to explain them despite her best efforts, and how much she just wanted to barge in to her parents room shouting and screaming at her mother for causing Lexa to withdraw her hand and her smile, she even wanted to just lay down and cuddle Lexa, she wanted to confess how much she missed her freezing cold feet despite it only being two nights they had spent apart she felt like she needed Lexa to grip her top as she slept for own security now not only Lexa's, she needed her more than ever to hold on to Clarke and not leg go, but her body went limb as Lexa said nothing. She eyes the brunette carefully who had began fiddling with the blanket over her legs.

"Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling in to place" Clarke said softly before pulling the blanket from her body until she was standing looking down at Lexa, still Lexa said nothing but her hand did stop fiddling enough to take in Clarke's soothing words, the words that Clarke was only left with to say as she hoped Lexa would just ignore Abby as she headed of upstairs to her bed. 


When Lexa's head hit the pillow her eyes were more open than ever, refusing sleep, refusing her racing mind to think of anything other than Clarkes last words. She pulled the blanket to her chin fiddling with it between her fingers from beneath staring at the door Clarke had came from. Where her stomach always fluttered much like when it had when she had woken to blue eyes watching her sleeping, now all she felt was guilt. Lexa was never good at judging people, separating their feelings and emotions from one to the other, but she knew Clarke had remained soft and caring towards her throughout everything despite her eyes betraying her and showing anything but calm and soft. The guilt felt like it was eating its way through her bones as she continued to blink in the darkness of the room. She was scared. She saw the way Abby directed her gaze to her, she saw the disappointment, the disgust and like everyone else the way Abby looked down at her, it made her stomach instantly sink along with her eyes as she stood froze starring at the floor. She was scared Abby would sent her back like the rest all had, as if she was a disease now floating around the house. She grew to accept this was the way it will always be, the way her path was already set so every time she had packed with not so much as a frown upon her face. Lexa never had any attachments to care before, only this time she did she had felt her wall crumble before her for the Griffin family, they had came in and made her feel good, happy things for the first time in a long time. They cared, they worried and more importantly they always treated her like a equal, Lexa had come to respect and love them more. Then there was Clarke. The blonde who she craved more from than anybody in her life, the blonde who made her feel like she was more than she could possibly know. Clarke was the person that made her start smiling again, and she was petrified of losing that even more. So when Abby didn't instantly tell her to pack, and she didn't instantly send her on her way Lexa would accept anything Abby threw her way, anything to stay here, Close to Clarke and the Griffin family as they were now her family too.

---

When Clarke got ready the next morning she didn't see Lexa collect her clothes ready for school, she didn't see her passing through the bathroom and she didn't see her when she came downstairs it must have been clear to what she was doing as her dad informed her Lexa had already left for school. Instantly that left Clarke cranky, not only had she not woke with Lexa for the last two days but just that little bit of time in the morning she craved and Lexa had even avoided that taking advantage of Clarke being lazy. The second her mum entered the kitchen Clarke had quickly exited finding it more appealing to be early to school than spending anymore time looking at her mothers face, she ignored her mothers calls from the kitchen slamming the door with a huff. As the days passed Clarke could feel her temper boiling in her blood, she could feel the frustration erupting through her body and all she needed to do was explode. She wondered how this happened. At what point did Lexa enter her life and fry her normal brain and make it all about her? At what point did Lexa stop Clarke thinking about everything else in the world? At what point did Clarke fall in love to the point she couldn't go through a normal conversation without feeling the frustration snapping it to a stop all because everything was not ok with her and the brunette?

"No need to take it out on the grass" Raven chimed in nodding her head to Clarke hands pulling at the grass beneath her.

"Not today Raven" Clarke snapped, trying not to notice how Lexa wasn't sitting with them during lunch break. She just felt like she needed to see her.

Only when Clarke did see her it infuriated her more. Clarke was walking down the corridors as students scattered around collecting their books from lockers or heading to their next lesson, only Clarke stopped when she could see Lexa at the end leaning against her locker, a small smile gracing her lips at just seeing the brunette, feeling her scattered emotions and anger all replace into its correct positions. That was until she seen the brunette talking next to her reach out and curl one of Lexa's strands of hairs around her finger with a smirk. If Clarke was thinking normal, if she wasn't so paranoid and scared at the possibility of Lexa not being interested in her anymore she wouldn't have gave that a second thought, but today everything felt heightened, today was not the day to fuck with Clarke. She had no idea what they were talking about or what they could possibly be doing right now, but it still infuriated Clarke more and she felt ready to pop. Only she didn't, and she wouldn't not to Lexa. So she bit her tounge and strode past not looking up and not saying a word. She just walked right past until she was sitting in her chair for her next lesson.

Clarke didn't go straight home from school that night, instead she found it best to avoid Abby and went to Octavia's house instead until the party started. The party all her friends had been so excited to go to, the conversation she had blocked out a dozen times as her eyes wondered to Lexa. None of her friends knew of the situation at home, not yet anyway and Clarke wanted it kept that way not wanting anymore stress for Lexa at school with all her friends discussing it. So she partied the night away with her friends, well she tried for the first hour all while hoping Lexa would walk through the door. She never did and Clarke ended up unable to find her rhythm to any song, she found drink not being her friend and rather than slide down her throat with ease she was swallowing harshly at the taste as she continued to flick a coin between her hands while leaning on the kitchen counter watching everyone else have fun while getting extremely drunk While wondering When life got so hard?  Is this what its like to be in love? completely consumed by one person? She couldn't even go to the toilet without thinking about her and Lexa's first kiss by the sink before the brunette ran away while Clarke soon followed. Unknowingly Clarke was smiling as she thought of Lexa and her first kiss, the coin flipping over in her hand as she pictured Lexa's lips and beautiful green eyes that had no words created yet to describe them before Clarke could even process what she was doing her phone was already in her hand ready to write a message to Lexa.
She wasn't sure what to say as she rest her elbows on the kitchen counter gripping her phone infront of her, she wasn't entirely sure if there was anything to say at all, but she felt like there was, like there was a million things Clarke wanted Lexa to know. 

Clarke: Tu me manques x

There was many things Clarke could have wrote, yet her fingers had typed this out by what felt like their own free will. Yet Clarke smiled, she smiled as she reread the sent message it was something she always found cute, something she always loved and found incredible in the French language. When her phone vibrated in her hand quicker than she expected she smiled again, despite her shit day.

Lexa : What?

Clarke : I Wanted to tell you I missed you, but When you say it In French it says You are missing from me x

Clarke: You consume me.

When Clarke sent the final message, she watched the small read appear beneath her message and smiled knowing Lexa was just as eager to read her messages as she was. It was a risk, her words that is but they were true. She missed everything about Lexa, and in the last three days Clarke had felt like she had lost her which had resulted in her anger and frustrations build yet still her mind could not absorb anything else, the school days were pointless, this party was pointless. She just wanted to snuggle, to kiss and feel Lexa's cold feet and her top gripped as they laid against one another. She didn't wait for a reply, she didn't want to. She pushed her phone in the back pocket of her jeans before heading towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" Bellamy questioned gripping her arm before exiting.

"To Lexa" She said simply turning on her heel and exiting the house.

Her mood was terrible, her day was awful and if she was honest. family life wasn't the best either all while her mind could do nothing that she wanted or needed it to, so why was she smiling when she started the engine to her car?

---

When she entered the house she quickly entered the kitchen and living room first in search for the brunette only to find her mother leaning against the kitchen side sipping coffee, her eyes didn't stay on her mother for long as she quickly turned around ready to head upstairs to her bedroom for Lexa until her mother stopped her.

"Would you come in here for a minute please" Abby questioned steeping in to the hallway behind her daughter. Clarke paused in her footsteps she looked to the front door while thinking of her options, she wasn't in the mood to hear her mums crap today especially after all she had done.

"I have nothing to say to you" Clarke said bitterly turning to face her mother.

"Then listen" Abby tried again urging her to enter the kitchen. For a minute or two Clarke still wasn't sure if she should or shouldn’t finding it just about manageable to look at Abby from her reaction, yet her feet found themselves moving until she was leaning against the kitchen counter with her hands in her leather jacket as she watched her mum shut the door before placing a seat on a stall there was a few moments of silence for a moment while Abby watched her daughter shift uncomfortably.

"You love her" Abby said simply. Shocked by Her mothers words Clarke snapped her head up and furrowed her brows, but there was no good denying it, she knew her mum had always been able to read her, always been able to tell a lie from a truth, so she didn't even try, she didn't want to.

"Yeah" Clarke said her hands fiddling in her pockets.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Abby questioned. "Before I mean?"

Clarke thought for a moment, she wasn't sure why she didn't tell her mum really, she never feared her parents as they always believed to do what makes you happy, which made Abby's reaction all the more shocking.

"I guess I wasn't ready" Clarke admitted out of nowhere, her body slightly swaying nervously side to side as she bent her leg up to lean against the kitchen cupboard while the other remained straight. "I'm glad I didn't" Clarke snapped "Look how you reacted" She was angry and her eyes were on fire as she looked at her mother thinking about the last few days.

"I'm sorry" Abby said sincerely. "I was in shock at first" she admitted looking to the table top before she continued. "I Shouldn't have said those things, and I shouldn't have acted that way."

"Then why did you?" Clarke pushed "Lexa won't even look at me"

"I was just in shock, and I don't know. I wasn't expecting that, and I blamed Lexa and I shouldn't have" Abby admitted standing to her feet. "but then I saw the way you looked at one another yesterday" Abby confessed with a soft sad smile on her lips. "it was a look I know to well" Abby admitted stepping closer to her daughter.

"What look?" Clarke questioned confused.

"You have your dads eyes Clarke" Abby smiled "You looked at her the way he looks at me" She admitted. The silence fell amongst them once against as Clarke stares at her mother not expecting her to admit her faults so quickly.

"She makes me smile without me even being aware of it" Clarke confesses in a timid voice, like her confession held a million secrets her Mum could read.

"That's all I want for you" Abby admitted "I'm sorry it took me a few days" Abby wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter who looked smaller by the second as she opened up about the girl that came in like a wrecking ball destroying everything she thought was right until she realised it actually wasn't. Clarke's arms clamped to her mothers back in comfort, in happiness, relief and a million other emotions that just kept stirring today.

"Does this mean Lexa can sleep upstairs again?" Clarke questioned in to her mothers neck.

"Yes" Abby said softly a slight giggle. "Separate beds though" She smiled.

"Good enough for me" Clarke smiled pulling away from her mum feeling a new sense of happiness and relief that she hadn't felt before.

"She's upstairs" Abby grinned "She was singing when I last walked past the room" abby smiled which made Clarke let out a small laugh with a beaming smile.

"She's always singing" Clarke admitted. "Good though right?" she questioned her mother about her new love.

"Incredible" Abby admitted. "Let her know from me" Abby smiled releasing her daughter completely.

"I will" Clarke said heading towards the door. "Mum" Clarke said quickly turning back around.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. Even if you did take a few days" The blonde smiled before disappearing quickly.

--


Clarke pretty much sprinted up the stairs with a happy bounce to her step, her legs didn't stop moving until she found herself standing outside her bedroom, and like Abby had said Lexa was indeed singing. Clarke's face continued to grow with happiness as if the terrible day never happened, she was excited and giddy standing outside her bedroom door, for the simple fact that Lexa was behind it. She found it crazy how love can make you literally mental to bouncing from one heel to the other, but Clarke wanted nothing more than to learn more of the new emotion. So she did just that, pushing the door open and stepping in confidently before pushing the door shut.

"Clarke" Lexa said softly pulling her head phones from her ears as she pushes her reading glasses back up her nose, and of course like everything else Clarke found it cute and before she could contemplate it in her head Clarke was smiling and quickly climbing over the bed to Lexa she didn't miss the way Lexa's brow creased, she didn't miss the way Lexa became instantly nervous but never pushed her away, she didn't miss how Lexa's eyes flickered nervously to Clarke's lips as she relaxed once more on the bed beneath Clarke.

"Clarke.." Lexa stuttered her green eyes confused yet soft at the same time "Your mu-" 

"Shut up and kiss me" Clarke interrupted her smile impossible to tame as she latched her lips on Lexa's. It was the first time Clarke had ever been demanding to the timid brunette everything was always patient and careful, but it had been three long days, three long days of having the fear coat Lexa's eyes, three long days of having Lexa one minute hot then cold, and three days of not one proper make out session which Clarke had thoroughly missed. Lexa kissed her back willingly but the crease never left her brows. When Clarke ran her tongue over Lexa's bottom lip, the brunette quickly granted her access and there tongues danced together like they were meant to be, like they had done it their entire lives.